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For the first time in his life, Zane could feel the chill from the first snowfall deep in his heart.
Sensei had told them, as their connection to their elements grew, that they would learn to love their element in nature; Cole would learn to appreciate the earth under his feet; Kai, the fire that often raged in forests around Ninjago (though, Kai would always help contain it); Nya, the rain and ocean that surrounded them, and Jay, the lightning that shot through the clouds.
Zane used to feel joy and happiness when he saw snow fall from the grey sky above him. He used to feel a connection to it, one that made him feel warm inside, like he wasn’t alone. Some days, it was as if the snowflakes and ice spoke to him, telling him of their journeys through the sky, and responded with stories of his own.
But now, as he watched the snowflakes outside from inside the Monastery, he could feel nothing but cold and despair.
It reminded him of the years of pain his snow and ice had caused, the suffering too many men and women had to endure, the love he held of his element fracturing into a million pieces as he destroyed homes with the ice he used to treasure.
So he wasn’t surprised to find himself hiding inside of the Monastery, watching the news about the major snowfall that had come over Ninjago, instead of being outside and witnessing it himself. He sat rigidly on the couch, watching as news anchor after news anchor spoke about the road closures, the closed businesses, and the terrible driving conditions that the snow was causing.
Not for the first time in his life, Zane felt guilty. So, so guilty, and he didn’t know how to stop it.
It was the guilt that weighed him down. He knew that what happened in the Never-Realm was his fault. He knew that, now, as the first snowfall hit harder than ever before in Ninjago, that it was his fault, too.
“Zane? Why are you watching that? I thought that the Christmas Baking show was on.”
Zane turned briefly to see Jay walk into the room, wearing a thick blue sweater. His hair was tousled, and his eyes were on the television, his brows furrowed in confusion.
“As much as I enjoy watching baking shows, this caught my attention as I was looking through the channels.”
He wasn’t about to tell Jay that he couldn’t turn it off now. That the guilt that weighed him down kept his eyes glued to the screen, always watching, never turning away from the destruction that he caused.
“No.”
That one word felt like a slap in the face, and Zane turned back to Jay, shocked,
“Pardon?”
Jay reached over to the television remote, shutting the television off quickly. “No. You’re not watching that.”
Zane tried to chuckle, but the sound came out strained. “It’s just the news, Jay一”
“Liar. You’re blaming yourself. And you’re watching that to make yourself feel worse!” Jay moved over to him, pulled Zane up from the couch, and yanked him across the room. Zane, after a moment’s thought, followed reluctantly. He knew that if Jay had his mind set on something, he wasn’t going to rest until it was complete. There was no stopping him now.
But a part of Zane was worried. What was Jay doing? Was there any way Zane could do the impossible and get out of whatever Jay was planning?
“Where are we going?”
“Outside.” Jay replied shortly, grabbing Zane’s hat and tossing it to him. Zane caught it easily. “Because someone has to show you the truth.”
Outside. Where the snow was. Where the proof of his evil nature was going to surround him like an inescapable storm. He felt numb at the thought, frozen, but forced himself to move forward to grab his coat. He couldn’t refuse; Jay would instantly know that something was wrong. He didn’t want his little brother worrying about him even more.
Zane watched as Jay fumbled while putting on his own blue gloves, swiftly putting on his jacket when he was done. Then, he opened the door, a flurry of snowflakes entering from outside as he did so, giving Zane a pointed look before stepping outside. Zane quickly put on his winter boots, and followed him out.
The cold hit him suddenly, and although he was well aware of how cold it was, he found himself reeling back from how quickly it came upon him. Not for the first time, he wondered if his titanium form wasn’t as thermally protected as his old body, yet deep down he knew that it was his own mental turmoil that caused the cold to bite so harshly.
“Jay, I do not advise you to be out here for so long, especially without a hat.” Zane said, trying to get out of this if he could, but also noticing how Jay’s ears were already tinged pink. “But you insist to be out here, take my hat and一”
Jay shook his head rapidly. “No. You don’t get to distract me like that.”
Zane fell silent after that. He half expected Jay to blurt out why they were out there quickly and loudly like he always did, to tell Zane the “truth” that he dragged him out here for, yet Jay didn’t. Instead he stood contently on the stairs of the Monastery. Even though the Monastery stood above most clouds, some cloud coverage was thick above them, causing some snow to fall on them, too. Zane could see the snowflakes land on his white gi, soon melting and becoming a dark spot on his clothes, while the snow stood out sharply on Jay’s coat.
The snowflakes were getting caught in Jay’s hair, and Jay looked up with a smile, more snowflakes falling on his cheeks. As if he was enjoying the nature around them. As if he was finding something to do before Zane spoke up himself.
But Zane didn’t know what to say.
“You know, growing in the Sea of Sands, I never really got to experience snow. It was only when I became a ninja that I finally saw some.” Jay eventually said, softly, yet Zane could hear him, even above the brutal winds. “My mom always said that bad things could happen in snow storms, but that snow was one of the prettiest things to see. And she was right.”
It had been a while since Zane had considered snow and ice pretty. All he could see were the people frozen in his name, the villages covered in ice, the snow building higher and higher on hills that used to be green. He looked down to the steps they stood on, snow building higher and higher on the stone.
Was it his fault, too? Was he hurting Ninjago? Was he hurting the place he called home?
“I mean, come on Zane! Isn’t it pretty? I mean, look at how intricate the designs are! Look at how the snowflakes float through the sky!” Jay exclaimed, turning to him with a hopeful smile.
Zane shook his head, frowning. “Your mother was right in saying it was also dangerous. There have been many vehicle accidents in the city, and many people have lost power.”
“You’re right. Snow and ice can be bad in certain circumstances. But that doesn’t make you dangerous, Zane.”
And just like that, Jay saw right through him. Zane could never understand how Jay was so perceptive, how he always knew what was bothering his family before they could say it out loud. Right now, Zane didn’t know if he should be glad for it or not.
Zane was pretty sure he wasn’t too impressed by it right now.
“We control our elements, Jay.” Zane’s voice was short and cold, and he hated it. He hated being rude to his friend, but Jay didn’t understand. This was his own fault, why couldn’t Jay see that? “I might be the one doing this. My emotions may be making the storm worse. I’m dangerous. Didn’t you learn that in the Never-Realm?”
He snapped his mouth shut, stepping away from Jay, wrapping his arms around himself. It was as if he could hear the Ice Emperor in those words, clawing his way up Zane’s throat, taking control once again.
He expected Jay to run away, to run back into the house and get the others, because the Ice Emperor was back, and he was turning Ninjago into a wasteland of ice and snow. Instead, he felt a mitted hand grip his shoulder, gently, and Zane looked up.
Jay looked sad, and it was a look Zane hated to see on his little brother’s face.
“You’re not him.”
“But I am.”
Jay shook his head slowly. “It wasn’t you. You lost your memories. You were confused, and then manipulated. You aren't the Ice Emperor.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
Jay took a deep breath before speaking up once again. “Okay. How about this? If I lost my memories, then turned against you guys, would you blame me?”
Zane couldn’t help but be slightly confused. “Of course I wouldn’t. But, Jay, the likelihood of that happening is severely low.”
“So, you wouldn’t blame me, but you'd blame yourself?” Jay responded, ignoring Zane’s previous comment. “That doesn’t feel right.”
“Perhaps not. But I have no choice but to feel like this. The guilt won’t go away.”
Jay paused at that, more snow collecting in his curly locks. His eyes became distant, as if he was remembering something long past, but then refocused on Zane once again.
“I won’t go away either. I’ll fight your guilt with everything I’ve got until it decides to leave. But I’ll still stay, even after it leaves. Got it?”
Zane didn’t want to bring up that Jay couldn’t physically fight off guilt and win, however, he couldn’t help but smile at Jay’s determination. It made him feel warm, loved, like he wasn’t a monster his friends should run from. It was a welcome feeling.
“We didn’t give up on you in the Never-Realm, Zane. We’re not going to give up on you here. And you’re not the bad guy. Remember that, will you?”
Zane nodded, promising himself that he would try to remember those words. Jay pulled him into a hug. He let himself relax into Jay, closing his eyes as his younger brother held him. For the first time, Zane felt a bit of hope since they had left the Never-Realm, hope that maybe things would get better, that he was more than what the Ice Emperor made him into.
Jay eventually let go, and Zane watched as Jay gave him a small smile, looking back up to the sky once again. Zane followed his gaze, and watched as more snowflakes drifted down towards them.
It was then that Zane realised he wasn’t ready to go inside yet. Something in him had changed, and the snow didn't feel like a weapon of death like it had before. He didn’t mind being outside, didn’t mind the snow on his gi or under his feet. He still felt heavy with despair, but right now, in that moment, the snow seemed dull it enough so that he could smile.
He took his hat from his head, and handed it to Jay, who looked at him quizzically.
“Nya’s going to be upset with me if I let you get frostbite. Please take it.”
Jay laughed, shaking his head playfully, taking the white hat and tucking it over his head.
“I guess that you’re right about that.”
The two sat down on a step, and continued to watch the snow float lazily through the sky, and for the first time in too long, the sight was a beautiful one.