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Olivia was trying to relax, trying to take a moment to enjoy the quiet, but was finding that she just couldn’t quite switch off. Noah was at a dance workshop, and instead of using the time to catch up on chores like she normally would, she’d decided to enjoy a coffee in the cafe that was situated in the lobby of the venue.
She took a sip and glanced around, the place was quiet, the majority of people grabbing a drink to go, only a few of the tables occupied. She was watching the small line at the counter, vaguely feeling like she recognised one of the customers waiting, when someone pulled out the other chair at her table.
She looked over at her new companion, and swore her heart stopped. She automatically stood up, a hand twitching to reach for her gun, while some part of her brain realised how insane that idea was.
“Kathy” she said, a breath rather than a word. She took a small step back, looking around, trying to ascertain if this was a dream or a hallucination. She’d hadn’t felt like she was too snowed under recently, no more stress and late nights than usual. Maybe her age was catching up with her? Maybe she was just finally losing it.
“Please sit down, can we talk? I don’t have another chance at this.”
Olivia looked around, no one near her was looking at her, no one acting as if anything was amiss. One person had looked up when she jumped up, a slight question in their gaze, but their focus was already back to their laptop, the moment forgotten.
Kathy was sat at the table, a simple white dress on and looking very much like how Olivia remembered her. She looked older maybe, how she imagined she looked under the strain and the marks that adorned her the last time she’d seen her, but unmistakably her.
Olivia slowly sat back down in her chair. She continued to glance around but no one was paying her any attention. She shook her head a few times, trying to shake away the image in front of her. She took a few long blinks but Kathy remained sat in the chair. She finally let what Kathy had said enter her mind.
“Another…” her voice cracked, she swallowed and tried to continue, her voice slightly louder. “Another chance?”
She took another quick glance to see if anyone thought she was crazy for talking to herself, but no eyes were on her apart from those of her new companion.
Kathy stared at her and then looked down. A memory flittered through Olivia’s head; Elliot with his ring on, his muttered “I saw her …Kathy” and his conviction that he wasn’t losing his mind even though she knew there was doubt there. She remembered her own conviction that it was all grief and survivor guilt.
“As soon as I saw him, saw his face, his eyes, I just couldn’t speak to him.” Kathy looked up when she spoke, but then back down at her hands, an almost guilty look on her face.
Olivia swallowed again, a slight nod of understanding, a reflex more than an active thought. She was still sure this was some kind of dream. She just didn’t quite know why. She’d had some phone calls with Elliot, but for the most part things had been quiet. They’d both been busy, or maybe they’d both been running away again, just a little. Still, they’d maintained a small connection. She felt they had their friendship again, a quiet understanding that they got each other, and it had been comfortable, nothing too scary, nothing like the ups and downs they’d had since his return, in the years since Kathy’s death.
Yes the necklace had felt like something, but the time apart since had softened it, lessened the fear that they were jumping into something dangerous. So of all the times for her brain to send Kathy to her, this didn’t feel like the most logical one.
“What … why …“ Olivia trailed off. Was this guilt, she wondered, had her subconcious really decided to bring Kathy to her to make her address the feelings she had about Elliot, just when she thought she’d closed that box again? To layer in some more guilt despite the fact she hadn’t acted on any feelings.
“We were friends once weren’t we? In a way.” Kathy said and that was unexpected, so unexpected Olivia coughed out a laugh.
“Were we?” Olivia stuttered out. If this was her subconscious then it wasn’t echoing her current feelings that was for sure. Ever since “We got in the way of being who and where we needed to be” and ever since “Kathy helped dictate” , she’d mentally reevaluated every interaction she’d had with the women who was now in front (or not) of her. “That letter…” she mumbled.
Kathy actually rolled her eyes which definitely didn’t feel like the reaction she’d have dreamt up either. “He wasn’t meant to give you the letter. Why would he do that?” She looked up briefly and sighed, her question clearly not expecting an answer. “Sometimes…” She shook her head with another almost frustrated sigh, not finishing the thought.
Olivia just stared at her. Shook her own head a few times again, willing away the sight in front of her, but it remained. None of this made sense.
“I thought we were over, me and him.” Kathy began. “Guess I was right actually, but I didn’t mean like this” she gave a small sad smile, gestured herself, then continued, more focused.
“Things had been good, we had some really great times. But he left part of himself back in New York. He left you… “
“Kathy we never… “ it was almost a reflex, one that hadn’t ever really left. Trying to convince this women that her husband cared about her, that he hadn’t cheated on her.
“Olivia I know.” Kathy reassured and it seemed so genuine, so real. “Sometimes I think you put more effort into our relationship than we did. But it didn’t stop how he felt. Elliot loved me, I know he did, and he loves our family. But he also loves you. And I know he thought about you a lot.” Kathy took a deep breath and Olivia took one too, shaking her head but not saying anything. “He tried to hide it but I know him. Sometimes I was sure you were still in touch, then other times I realised if you were then maybe he wouldn’t be by my side at all still.”
Olivia fought herself not to interrupt, to not disagree and just listen.
“When we were asked to return, when we booked the flights to come back, when Finn told him you’d made Captain, it all just built up and started spilling out. He was a mess about it, almost broken. And I…” Kathy sighed once more. “I was angry. I think probably for the same reason you may be angry with him.”
“I’m sorry I don’t follow you” Olivia said. This wasn’t what she’d thought had happened, wasn’t one of the possibilities she’d floated and she didn’t quite get what Kathy was saying.
“Aren’t you angry that he couldn’t say goodbye to you? Couldn’t just let you go with a ‘we’ll talk soon’ knowing you never would, just like most coworkers do when someone quits.” Kathy asked, and Olivia could admit inside she did have that anger, she knew it was in there in one of those boxes she kept locked up.
Then Kathy continued without a pause. “Aren’t you angry that he loved you so much he couldn’t even be on the same continent as you?” She said and it felt like a stab to the chest, maybe a bullet to the hip. Olivia felt tears start to hit her eyes but they didn’t fall. She felt like she couldn’t breathe.
Kathy appeared oblivious, just powering on through her own thoughts. “I was angry, that that’s what it took to save our marriage. And angry that even with that break, even ten years apart and half the world between you it wasn’t enough to sever that connection. Even with Elliot being so loyal, so desperate to not be like his father, so desperate to make our family work, he still couldn’t switch the feelings off. He was angry with himself for it too, I know. So I thought he just needed to say it, admit it finally. I didn’t expect him to just dutifully write down what I said, I waited for him to jump in, to say what you had was real. Waited for our relationship to shatter once he said it aloud, but of course he didn’t, he wouldn’t. Loyal to the end.” Kathy seemed quieter, sadder, then took another breath and then continued on, stronger and louder. “I was angry at him, not you. For not being able to be fully with me. For not admitting part of him was somewhere else.” She sounded so sure, so clear in her understanding of this.
“And I did think you deserved someone faithful and loyal to you. And I really hoped you’d found them. And if you hadn’t… well I guess I just wanted to warn him that neither of us deserved what I thought might happen when you saw each other again.”
Olivia wasn’t sure if time had stopped. She shook her head again, tried to shake the tears away before they fell, glanced around. The world was still ticking along, the small hum of noise, drinks orders being called. And Kathy was still just sat calmly in front of her like she wasn’t scattering little parts of a bullet in her.
“Of course then the explosion happened and none of that really mattered.” Kathy shrugged and she sounded resigned, the voice of a woman who had accepted her reality.
“I’m sorry” Olivia said, and she wasn’t sure what she was apologising for, whether it was for Elliot’s feelings or for the way Kathy died, but she felt it, truly, in so many ways.
Kathy sighed. “Elliot needs to be on solid ground. I’ve always said you give him stability”
Olivia then barked out another shocked laugh, a strange sound to her own ears. “You’re not here to give me your blessing?” The idea felt incredulous. Maybe someone spiked her coffee, she thought, maybe she should be calling it in.
Kathy shook her head. “That’s not what this is.” A pause that felt long and Kathy added “Although rather you than some of the choices he’d made when we were separated.” She added bluntly.
Olivia just stared at her. She definitely should call it in, she thought. This wasn’t happening and she’d definitely lost her mind. Maybe a break in a psych ward would be good for her, a vacation of sorts.
“I don’t think it’s ever going to happen Kathy, me and Elliot” Olivia felt she needed to say although why she felt she had to and whether she believed her own words, she wasn’t really sure.
Kathy shrugged. “I won’t know either way, and I don’t want to, this is it for me. We had a good life, Olivia, and now I get to rest. Do what makes you happy for your life. Maybe it’ll be a waste if you don’t get together, after all this time. Maybe…” She shrugged a second time, looked down and shook her head. “I just need to know that he’ll be ok.”
“He seemed better, he’s not… he’s not running like he was, doesn’t seem to be… sinking” Olivia hoped that was true. He had sounded well, when she last spoke to him, calm.
“Maybe. There’s some things that are going to happen. More loss. More pain. My children need … “ And suddenly Kathy looked desperately sad and Olivia felt like her heart was breaking with empathy.
“Kathy “ she whispered quietly.
“They need him to be there. To be present. To be standing on solid ground. They have their own lives I know, but they’ve struggled. I don’t want them to lose him yet too. Especially Eli. Just remind him … “ Kathy looked devastated at the thought of her children and Olivia understood what it was like to imagine your child without you no matter their age, knew what it was like to feel their pain as your own.
“I will, I promise I will” Olivia suddenly felt the need to reassure as much as she could, but then she realised what she might be promising and added “But I’m not sure he’ll listen to me.”
“He will. Maybe not straight away. But he values your opinion. Always in sync.” Kathy smiled another sad smile. “You’re not responsible for him Olivia, I guess I just wanted to see you, remind myself that I do trust you, to watch his back. You always made sure he came home safe, made sure he stayed sane, as much as you could”
“I tried.” Olivia agreed. “I will try.” She began to wonder where Elliot even was, how easy it even would be to actually look out for him. He wasn’t known for staying out of harms way. But it wasn’t anything she hadn’t done before, wasn’t anything she didn’t do on instinct.
Kathy nodded, and Olivia felt some kind of odd relief. This was the understanding she thought they’d had before, this was how she remembered the relationship; civil with a silent acknowledgment that they both cared about the same person.
“One more thing. Before I go, I need to apologise.” Kathy took a deep breath, like she knew she was about to shoot another bullet and Olivia’s relief morphed into dread. “The kids … they tried to tell me, when you … when you got hurt. When it was in the news.” Olivia’s stomach dropped, she felt her heart rate increase.
“I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t let them give me the details, and I didn’t … I didn’t tell him. He used to switch the news off, used to avoid anything about New York, got a bit annoyed even when Eli wanted to start watching some American police show. It was one of those signs; that he hadn’t let go. So he wouldn’t have seen on his own and I didn’t tell him. I told the kids if you were alive we didn’t need to know the details. And I guess by the time they’d built up the courage to push me, people did know you were alive and I just confirmed that and wouldn’t let them go on. Wouldn’t let them tell me something I didn’t want to hear. I’m sorry. I should have. I should have asked more and I should have told him.”
“It’s okay” Olivia said, another reflex when really it wasn’t. She felt sick.
“It was just easier, for me, to assume you were better off without him. Don’t hold it against them, they tried. They did.”
“I won’t. I don’t. It was a long time ago” And it was, but then it also wasn’t. The scars still burned. Olivia could feel them now.
“I have to go now, your beautiful son is coming. Thank you, Olivia. Please remind my children how much I love them, how I proud I am of them.” Olivia’s empathy returned and the pain started to fade again.
“I will. Kathy… “ She began, not even sure what she was going to say, and then there was a voice shouting “Mom” and she turned and saw Noah walking across the lobby into the cafe, a slightly frustrated looking dance teacher at his side.
“Goodbye Olivia” Kathy said and she stood up. Olivia stood up too and then Noah was in front of her.
“Mum are you ok? It finished 10 minutes ago. Alexa came out with me, she was worried.”
“I’m sorry sweet boy, I don’t know what happened, I must’ve lost track of time” Olivia was proud of how solid her voice sounded. Trained to be calm in a crisis.
“Are you sure you’re ok?” Alexa asked, studying her, the frustrated expression replaced by a caring one as clearly Olivia wasn’t hiding how unsettled she felt as well as she’d hoped.
“I’m fine, I must’ve lost track of time. I’m sorry to have worried you.” Olivia smiled, shields fully up.
Alexa nodded, seemed to be convinced and waved goodbye to Noah before heading back to the studio.
Olivia shook her head, gave one more glance around the cafe, grabbed her cup to take to trash and then gave Noah a reassuring smile.
She didn’t know what that had been. It already felt like it hadn’t happened, like maybe she really had falllen asleep, had some elaborate dream. Just unlike any dreams she normally had.
Maybe she would call Elliot, maybe it was her subconscious telling her she should check in, make sure he wasn’t in a bad place, mentally or physically.
Maybe she had just had too much caffeine and not enough sleep. Maybe she would talk about it in therapy, pick it apart a bit more. Was it what she had wanted to hear? Is that what she was hoping for, from Kathy? To alleviate her own guilt? To answer some of the questions that had plagued her.
Olivia sighed at her own thoughts. Or maybe she’d never mention it to anyone. She wasn’t sure.
“Come on Noah, let’s get some lunch” she gave him another reassuring smile and they began to walk out onto the sidewalk.
“You sure you’re ok mum? Who was that blonde lady?” Olivia’s stomach dropped and she stopped walking, Noah stopped too, a step ahead and looking at her expectantly.
“Sorry Noah what did you say?”
“The blonde lady, you were talking to at the cafe? She left as we came over.”
Olivia mumbled out an answer and Noah nodded, curiosity sated and immediately began to walk again, sparing a glance to check Olivia fell into step beside him, and chattering about the workshop.
“Just an old friend” she’d managed to say.