Work Text:
Jake Peralta woke with an intense feeling of sadness. A heartache so strong that if his youngest son wasn’t screaming his head off in desperate need of a diaper change, his eldest son didn’t need to go to school, and he hadn’t promised his middle child and only daughter a hot chocolate date. He would have stayed in bed all day. For a moment he considered calling Amy and asking her to come home but that wouldn’t be fair. Besides, she would ask him what was wrong and for the life of him he couldn’t figure out what was making him feel this way. He prayed his depression was not returning. He had been stable for so long. Mac and MaryAnne were old enough to be aware now. He did not want them to see him like that.
He forced himself out of bed and scooped Raymond out of the crib. After four years he had become an expert in diaper changes. He had his baby fresh as a daisy in no time. He dressed Raymond in the outfit Amy had laid out before she left. He placed the baby in the playpen while he got dressed himself. Once he was ready, he carried Raymond down the hall to the room Mac and MaryAnne shared. MaryAnne’s things were precariously placed. Soon she would be moving to the smaller room down the hall and Raymond would move in with his brother. MaryAnne dozed peacefully on her bed. At first glance he thought Mac was asleep as well. Until he heard soft whimpers coming from his mouth.
“Mac? What’s wrong bud? Bad dream?” Jake asked.
“I’m sad.” Mac sniffed.
“Why’s that?” Jake asked.
“Because tomorrow is Raymond’s birthday!” Mac cried.
The words hit Jake like a ton of bricks and suddenly he knew why he felt so awful. He wished his son was simply experiencing petty jealousy. Knowing the next day his baby brother would be showered with gifts and attention. While he was seemingly left out. Unfortunately, it was not so simple. If Raymond was turning one tomorrow. That meant that it had been a year since Captain Holt. Since his surrogate father. Died. It still seemed unreal. As childish as it was, Jake did not think Captain Raymond Holt could die. That if he did it would be in a blaze of glory, but lung cancer? No that was not how a hero was supposed to die. Fuck it was hard to watch. At least it was quick. He was diagnosed in September but after only a month it was clear the treatments were not working. He decided to stop them and enjoy what time he had left. Jake would never forget the phone call from Kevin.
It was two weeks until Christmas. Amy had been on bedrest for months. Her doctor had finally cleared her, but she was pretty weak and still couldn’t do much. On that night two days before he scheduled C-Section she had a little strength and was sitting on the couch reading to MaryAnne. Mac was down the hall singing off key, practicing for his school’s Christmas Pageant. Jake sat beside his wife and daughter enjoying the life he had been given. His peace was shattered by the sound of his phone ringing. It wasn’t super late but later than he was expecting any calls. It was Kevin calling and he knew instantly the tragedy that awaited on the other line.
Jake: Hello Kevin.
Kevin: Hello Jacob, I am afraid I have some tragic news.
Jake: Captain….
Kevin: Hospice was just here. They say he has less than twenty-four hours. He is asleep now and I am not prepared for company, but I strongly advise you to come over tomorrow.
Jake: Yes of course, I have to take Mac to school and Amy has an appointment, but I will drop MaryAnne at my mother’s and be over as early as possible.
“What’s going on?” Amy asked after Jake hung up.
“Holt’s dying.” Jake whispered.
“No. No! He wanted to meet the baby! Maybe I can move up my C-Section?” Amy sobbed.
“It would still be too late. Hospice said less than a day and Kevin sounded like he didn’t think he was going to make it through the night.” Jake explained.
“No this isn’t fair.” Amy whimpered.
“I know” Jake agreed.
The next morning after Mac was at school, Amy had her checkup, and MaryAnne was with his mother. Jake and Amy made their way to the captain’s house. The former 99 had all come to say goodbye. Scully and Hitchcock were taking advantage of the casseroles brought by friends, neighbors, and colleagues. Gina was typing away on her phone, Boyle was cooking something questionable, Terry was jogging in place. It was almost normal. Until they spotted Rosa crying on the couch. Amy went first but emerged after just a couple of minutes. Jake knew he was the last to say goodbye. He slowly entered the captain’s room. God, he hated seeing him like this. He walked over to the bed and took his bony hand. God, he wished this weren’t happening.
“Goodbye Ca… Dad. I hated you when we first met. You just rubbed me the wrong way. Title of your sextape! Sorry, that was bad timing. But now I see. You knew I could be better and I grateful. Everything I have is because of you. I love you.” Jake whispered.
Two hours later Kevin called again and informed them that Raymond died fifteen minutes after everybody left. Twenty-one hours later Amy delivered Raymond Atlas Santiago-Peralta. He was perfect in every way, and it killed Jake he would never meet his namesake in this life.
“I know bud, I miss him too.” Jake whispered.
“He was so excited about Baby Raymond, and he never got to meet him.” Mac sniffed.
“I grew up Jewish. So, I have a different understanding of the afterlife but sometimes when my mom worked on weekends. I would go to Sunday School with your Aunt Gina. They would talk about heaven and how that’s where the souls of good people went but babies stayed there until they were born too. So maybe if that is true. Grandpa Holt got to hold Raymond before he came here.” Jake suggested.
“Maybe” Mac replied.
“But the big thing is that he is never truly gone. As long as we talk about him and remember him. As long as you do your best and work to be a good person who stands up for what is right. Because that was what he believed in the most. Then he will never leave you.” Jake explained.
“I just wish Raymond could have met him for real and MaryAnne could remember him.” Mac sighed.
“They will because we will talk about him all the time.” Jake assured.
“Can I tell a story about him for Raymond’s birthday tomorrow?" Mac asked.
“I think he would have loved that.” Jake replied with a smile. He looked down on the children who never would have existed without Captain Holt and knew it was impossible for him to ever be gone or forgotten.