Work Text:
Matthew: 19
Addison: 1
Hi Addison, it’s me, your dad, which is still really weird to say. By the time I let you see this, it won’t be. You already know I’m your dad, and that’s wild. Your eyes can find me really quick and I’m the only one who can hold you when they put an IV line in. We tried with your grandma, but you only wanted me. I felt kinda cool about it, because my life changed a whole lot this year and you being into me makes it worth it.
On screen, Matthew runs his hands through his hair, which is clearly unbrushed and badly in need of a wash. He looks wrung out. He’s wearing a London Knights hoodie with a ‘v’ cut into the front and he’s fidgeting like normal.
I read on Reddit, which you’re absolutely never seeing ever until maybe you go to college, I really need to figure out what boundaries I’m setting for you at some point, I read on Reddit that making a video diary for you would be a cool thing. Like tiny time capsules. So here’s some stuff from your first year. Or half year, since I didn’t get to meet you until later.
First of all, even though you’re stuck in the hospital a lot, you have a lot of people who love you. The only reason Grandma and Grandpa and Auntie Taryn and Uncle Brady aren’t here is because there was a big storm that closed the airports. But my friends Auston and Mitch bought a bunch of their friends over since they live here to surprise us and sing happy birthday. Kadri and Hyms made a cake, so I didn’t eat it but the nurses said it didn’t kill anyone, and Freddie and Connor told me they asked their moms what they should get you, so you have so many stuffed animals, Addie. And a lot of Maple Leaf stuff I’ll be donating, because absolutely not.
I guess what I’m saying is that you’re already really, really loved.
What else…your favorite nurse is Patience, which is a great name for her. You’re really good for Dr. Stanford and Dr. Jamison, but you get really crabby whenever Dr. Maxwell tries to examine you, which I love because he’s an asshole. I hope by the time you watch this, we don’t remember their names, though. You have another surgery tomorrow and the doctors all say this will fix everything. So then we’ll move to St. Louis so my mom can help, and I’ll look for a job, I guess. Maybe when you watch this, we’ve been in St Louis for years and years and we have season tickets to the Cards and we’ve taught you how to skate. I really hope you like hockey.
Okay, so I think this is okay. I loved you from the minute I met you, and I only love you more every day. Happy birthday, Addison Grace, thanks for letting me be your dad.
Matthew: 25
Addison: 7
Hey Bug, time for another video. I hope you’re not watching these back to back, I get really long winded sometimes.
So, we still live in Austin. You like all of your doctors except you’re not sure about this new one who trained at Baylor over the summer and is trying to be friends with you. You are very, very skeptical of doctors trying to be your friend. Speaking of friends, your best ones are Caden, Dylan, Annabeth, and Mary Mac. I hate literally all of them, and I hope as you watch this, you don’t remember them. They make fun of you a lot for being small and the clothes I buy you, and the fact that you love hockey. I have tried everything I can think of to make you break up with them – I’ve even joked with Uncle Brady that I’m going to move you to another school.
Matthew takes a deep breath. He’s in an Ottawa Senators shirt, neckline in tact, with the beginnings of a beard. He looks exhausted and like he could use a haircut.
Speaking of hockey, your last procedure went really, really well. Better than any before it, and so Dr. Santos is positive your new heart can handle physical activity and also I’m not supposed to call it your ‘new heart’ anymore, but I know I’ll screw up. Dr. Edison wants some more tests for your lungs, because this is the year we found out those are kinda fucked. As I always say, I hope that buy the time you watch this, you haven’t used an inhaler in a decade.
Matthew chews his lip for a few seconds and then looks back at the camera with a sheen over his eyes. He does not, however, fidget.
I’m 25 today, I never planned for you. When I imagined my twenties, I thought maybe I’d be a dad. I wanted to be one, yeah, but I didn’t imagine getting you so early, or doing it by myself. I hope when you watch this that you’ll think I did an okay job.
Matthew takes a deep breath and plasters on a smile.
So, as is tradition, what small and funny things happened last year? You went through a phase where you would only eat foods with peanut butter in them. And since you can’t actually live on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, we had to get really creative. Now you’re back to just really loving it, but you’ll eat other foods. You got a stuffed penguin named Percival when we went to the aquarium in Chicago once when we went to se Uncle Brady and you love him more than anything.
Mr Tyler had a big fancy party for an award he won, so I rented a tuxedo and we bought you a fancy dress and we had a really good time in Dallas. We have a lot of pictures of that night, so if you don’t remember just ask me.
I’m really glad you love hockey enough to want to play it, Bug. It’s been really fun skating with you; I can’t wait to play with you.
Happy 7th birthday, Addison Grace. I love you, and thanks for letting me be your dad.
Matthew: 28
Addison: 10
Double digits, kiddo! You have been so excited all week that you’ve needed your inhaler every single day. We had a party today with your school friends from Cedar Park and a couple of teammates. You’re better than everyone on the team, though, and it’s making some of them jealous. But, like me and Grandpa keep trying to remind you, being really really good doesn’t guarantee anything will happen, so I hope when you watch this, you are proud of how hard you work and that you’re a good teammate – whatever you’re doing.
You had a hard year, and some of it was my fault. I am sorry that Dustin was around for your 9th birthday and for Christmas. He was pretty shitty to you, and that bothers me a lot. I’ve told you I’m sorry a ton, but let me tell you again. I promise that the next time I call a man my boyfriend, he is going to treat you kindly. He’s going to treat you with respect, he’s going to believe in you, and he’s not going to try to make me choose. I will never choose anyone over you, and he made it seem to you like I would.
I do hope I’m married when you watch these. I hope that I’ve found another dad for you who can give you some things I can’t. I hope we find one who trusts people a little more – I’m not good at that with people we’re not related to or our small hockey family. Everyone who loves you fucking hated Dustin…I should have listened to them.
Matthew sighs and wipes his face with his non-descript hoodie. He has a fresh haircut, and a clean jaw, and a super sad look in his eyes.
It was hard, too, because you did have a few setbacks. Seems we’re not getting rid of your inhalers and breathing treatments as quickly as we both wanted to. You broke your leg, too, which is the first time you had an injury that didn’t have anything to do your lungs or heart and, sweetheart, you had no idea how to handle that.
Matthew laughs.
You are obsessed with Taylor Swift, Frozen, baseball, Mykala’s dog – she lives next door, and hockey. Always, always hockey. You started keeping track of all the games you watch, like we track scores in baseball. We went to four stores and you finally found the one you wanted at an arts and crafts store. I’m going to make sure to keep them, so if you’re not still doing it, let me know and we can walk down memory lane.
What I’m most proud of you for this year is that you are a favorite person of a lot of people who know you. You’re kind, and joyful, and funny, and a really hard worker. You make me so…Bug, being your dad is just the best thing I could ever imagine. I am proud to be connected to you every single minute of every single dad, even when I’m mad at you. Even when you’re grounded or in time-out, I am proud to be your dad.
When we’re with hockey people, a lot of them still identify you by me, or Uncle Brady, or Grandpa. One of my dreams is that someday, I’ll get introduced as Addison Tkachuk’s dad.
Happy 10th birthday, Addison Grace. I love you, and thanks for letting me be your dad.
Matthew: 29
Addison: 11
Well, kiddo, some pretty big shit happened this year.
Matthew laughs.
I have a feeling you won’t forget a single thing about the last few months, so let me tell you some stuff you don’t know.
I decided tonight to ask Leon to make a video for you. I’ve never asked anyone else, not even our family, but I think he’s sticking around, Bug. I think when you watch this, he’ll still be in your life, but if he’s not, he was probably around for a long time. I don’t know what he said, because he said it in German, but once I get better I’m going translate it.
But here’s what I do know – it’ll be so heartfelt. It’ll say that he loves you, it’ll say that he’s proud of you. Because he fits the promise I made you last year that you didn’t even know about – he will never, ever ask me to choose between him and you. I think he’d actually be furious if someone asked him to separate us. He says we come together, and he loves both of us together and individually.
I’ll tell you what I told Uncle Brady. I’ve never met someone like him, and I knew that from the first week. I’ve never met someone who loved you like I do, or who would rather skin himself alive than intentionally hut you.
Matthew chews his lip and fidgets a little. He’s wearing a Oilers hoodie with 29 visible and a toque that’s covering the majority of his hair - curls are peeking out, however.
You’ve come alive in a new way with him and Davo, Bug. I didn’t know you could hit the gear you’re in now. Honestly, you surprise me all the time. You are fighting so hard for every single inch of improvement you want to make, and I just watch you in awe. You can do things instinctually that I couldn’t do when I trained. I thought I loved watching you play in Texas, but Addison. Addison. That pales compared to what I feel now. We untied the skate we’d forced you to have behind your back and now…
You are incredible, Bug. But when Leon and Connor and Uncle Brady talk about why you’ll explode onto the international hockey stage as soon as I let you is that you’re good. As a person. A good person. You’re coachable and kind and funny and you don’t believe you are a better person than anyone just because you can play hockey better than any other child on the planet.
They say I put that all in you, and I don’t know about that. I did my best, and you’ve been a really easy kid to raise, but either way, I’m so fucking proud of you. If you’re watching this and hockey isn’t a part of your life anymore, I hope this one hasn’t been painful. I hope you know that I will feel this way no matter what you do. You love animals a lot, so maybe you’re a veterinarian. History is your favorite class in school, so maybe you’re doing something with that. Maybe you’re living in Honduras and digging wells. I don’t care. You’ll still be the best girl in the world, and I’ll still be your biggest fan.
Happy 11th birthday, Addison Grace. I love you, and thanks for letting me be your dad.