deep breath (hold on 'til you can't let go)

Lucy Chen wasn't one to dwell on the past. Usually. Not unless it had a major influence on her future. She never wanted this day to impact her so much, and yet it did. How she deals with it, is probably what makes it so hard to let go. Maybe she dwells more than she is willing to admit.
OR
Lucy dealing with every December 9th since the events of D.O.D.

Notes:

Hi hello happy DOD day!! Since it's been five years I decided to post a little oneshot / character study of how Lucy dealt with her 'day of death' every year since it happened!
Hope you enjoy <3

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

December 9^th 2020

“Okay, seriously, where are you taking me,” Lucy giggled as Jackson steered her around the hallways of her apartment, his hands covering her eyes. All he said was that he had a surprise planned for her today and had even called in sick just to take care of it for her. And she was so happy to have a friend as good as him.

“That is for me to know and for you to figure out. Just be patient, hold on a little longer.” Jackson said, continuing to steer Lucy towards their apartment until he was in front of the door. He pushed it open and signaled for Tamara to switch off the lights. She immediately did and duck behind the counter to surprise her.

When Jackson lifted his hands from Lucy’s eyes, he could hear her gasp in surprise. “You guys…” she said, clearly at a loss for words. Their entire apartment had been decorated with fairy lights and candles, several blankets and pillows splayed out on the floor to make a makeshift fortress.

Lucy genuinely felt emotional, so incredibly lucky to have the two of them in her life. Jackson and Tamara both jumped up to wrap her into a tight hug. And if they felt Lucy sob into their shoulders, as soft as it was, neither of them said anything about it.

“We wanted to remind you of how awesome you are today with a good old dose of, and I will never say this again, food porn. Heard Top Chef has a rerun happening right now and Tam and I figured it’d be a nice way to distract you from everything.” Jackson explained happily, clearly very proud of himself for thinking of this. And it indeed was incredibly thoughtful. Lucy was lucky to have him. Have them. Have people that care.

“Thank you,” Lucy whispered as she settled into the pillows, leaning her head against Jackson’s chest. Tamara settled on the other side of her and displayed her head on Lucy’s lap, smiling up at the woman she had been seeing as a sister more and more every day.

“Of course. Least we could do after I stole your car and he defiled your couch with his boyfriend,” Tamara said teasingly, grinning when doing so.

And Lucy laughed, genuinely and carelessly, for the first time since a really long time.

That sure made her forget, even if just for a little.

“Thanks, guys, this really means a lot to me,” Lucy whispered softly, her hand still combing through Tamara’s hair. The younger girl didn’t reply, and when Lucy looked down, she saw that she had fallen asleep on her lap. She smiled fondly and turned to look at Jackson instead.

“Thanks for doing this,” she said, leaning her head against his shoulder once more. He tightened his arm around her and pulled her closer, smiling.

“Of course, Luce. That’s what friends are for. We’ll always be here, you know. For everything.”

It felt good to know she had someone in her corner. Someone looking out for her.

December 9^th 2021

Isolation. Giving up. Quitting

Lucy Chen was no quitter. That was all she had known her whole life. Never quit pushing yourself to be great, never quit doing whatever you can to make your parents proud, never quit proving yourself every chance you get. Never quit fighting to make it out on top. Never quit trying to get out of that damn barrel. It had gotten her exactly where she was now.

And yet, today she felt like quitting. Her whole support system was gone. Her parents didn’t want to talk to her because of what she did for a living, she didn’t want to bother Nolan or anyone else from work with her bullshit, despite the fact that she knew they would be there for her. Tamara had some party at school which would have her be out of the house all day and Jackson.

Well. Jackson was dead. And part of her selfishly wished he wasn’t – so she wouldn’t have to carry the burdening weight of today on her own shoulders. Because he would offer to be a shoulder to cry on, the way he always did that. And right now, she felt like she had nobody else to turn to. The others had enough on their plates, and most importantly, were working.

So instead, she grabbed her coat, locked up her apartment and went for a walk. At first, she had intended for that walk to clear her head, but when her feet had carried her to the damn cemetery where Jackson was buried, she knew it was no use to ‘just’ be on that walk anymore. Maybe it was time to face things head on, no matter how much she wanted to ignore them.

No quitting.

She couldn’t, especially not since this was Jackson. No matter how much it scared her, she couldn’t let him down.

“Damn it,” she muttered softly, swinging her scarf over her shoulder before walking on further, watching as her heeled boots left soft dents in the grass leading up to his headstone. Just a little bit further ahead of Jackson’s headstone was Captain Andersen’s. With a shaky breath, Lucy walked over to that one first.

She wasn’t one to usually dwell on people dying. Mostly because she felt her emotions so strongly, that thinking about the ones she lost too much would actually drag her down. It was better to pretend that they just moved away instead of dying. Or at least pretend it never happened. Because she was always forced to talk about her emotions as a kid, she learned to feel them too strongly, and that was becoming the death of her.

“Hi, ma’am,” Lucy said softly, crouching down in front of Zoe’s headstone. It was crazy to think it had been almost three years since their Captain had died. And not once had she actually taken the time to deal with her grief.

“It’s been crazy few years without you. The station was a mess, people were a mess. You really left an imprint on people.” She sighed, barely able to keep her voice from faltering.

“I felt honored to be able to ride with you before your passing, and I’m very sorry I didn’t get to do it more often. I hope I impressed you at least a little bit. Nolan’s doing great, too, Jackson…” her voice trailed off, her eyes darting over to where his headstone was, her throat tightening with emotion.

“I’m thinking of going into UC work permanently, but that’ll take some time. I need to figure out who I am as a cop before I do that.”

With a shaky hand, she brushed some dust off the top of her headstone, sighing softly.

“I hope you can look down on us with a smile and that you’re proud.” Lucy pushed herself to stand. “Thank you for teaching me everything you did, ma’am, I’ll carry it with me forever.”

Lucy wiped the tears from her cheeks with the sleeve of her sweater, placed a final soft hand on the headstone before walking further ahead, towards Jackson’s. This was the first time since the burial she had been there. Angela had asked her to come a few times, but Lucy had always said she simply wasn’t ready to face that part just yet. Wasn’t ready to really admit that Jackson was gone.

“Hey,” she whispered, her throat already tightening with emotion. “Been a little while, hasn’t it.” Suddenly, nothing seemed right. Not a single word on the planet seemed to be enough to tell him how much she missed him, how much she needed him.

“It’s been two years since you guys found me. And a year since you did everything you could to distract me from… well… remembering that.” Lucy took a deep breath before continuing. “There’s so much that I want to tell you, but I really don’t know where to start.”

There wasn’t a proper place to start. Not with everything that was going on. “I miss you. A lot. It’s been really hard without you, you know.” She wiped at her eyes in frustration and let out a wet chuckle. “Angela named her kid after you, and he’s so sweet. Cutest little baby.” She smiled, crouching down a little further.

“Today’s been hard. Harder than I thought it would be. I guess with the trial coming up soon everything’s just hitting a little bit harder than I thought it would.” Nervously, she fiddled with her ring, trying to ground herself. “And you were right, you know.”

About what wasn’t he right? Jackson seemed to always know her situation a lot better than she did. And it felt stupid to only tell him that now, but better late than never.

“About Tim, you know,” she exhaled shakily, “I wasn’t lying that day in the shop. When I told him I had feelings for him to trick him. I was lying when I said I was only telling him that to prove I had the guts for UC work, but I wasn’t lying about having feelings for him.”

God, it felt terrifying to say that out loud. To actually admit to someone other than herself that she had feelings for Timothy Bradford.

“So, you were right. I do have feelings for him. God, I know some psychologist is rolling over in his grave now watching me fall for the guy who spent over a year yelling at me and trying to trick me every single day.” The joke was an attempt to lighten the mood, but she knew very well that it was true.

“The night you died, I think we almost kissed. I think. I’m not sure. There was just this vibe. He told me not to be alone that night and offered for me to sleep on his couch. And then I asked for a hug and there was just a moment.” She shrugged, continuing. “And when he pulled back, I really thought he was going to kiss me. Maybe he didn’t because he didn’t want to take advantage of my vulnerable state.” She sighed softly, pursing her lips. “But I don’t think that’ll ever happen. Pretty sure he’s dating someone anyway, so, there goes whatever slim chance I did have.”

Maybe there was a small chance, if only she gathered the confidence to actually tell Tim how she felt without turning it into some joke to try and protect herself from rejection. Lucy needed Jackson by her side now more than ever, but there was no way to actually do that. And for now, there wasn’t much more she could say. He had already helped her tremendously by just being there, listening. Even if he had very little choice in the matter.

“Well, thanks for listening. Still managing to distract me even when you’re not with me.” Her hand left his headstone to clutch at the necklace he had gotten her at the end of their rookie year. “I miss you and thank you.”

She stood up and walked back to her apartment, vowing to never quit again. Because that’s not what the people around her would have wanted. And she didn’t want to let them down. She was stronger than that.

Maybe next year would be better.

December 9^th 2022

Her alarm shook her from her sleep. With a groan, Lucy turned over, rolling out of Tim’s warm embrace, and blindly thrashed around her nightstand to shut off her phone.

Lucy knew damn well what day it was. Usually, she would have asked the day off and sulked, all alone with a tub of ice cream on the couch, but today, against her better judgement, she decided to go into work anyway.

She was brushing her teeth when Tim walked into the bathroom. He had insisted on spending the night, to keep her company, because he figured she would benefit from some company. He walked up behind her and pressed a kiss to the top of her head, reaching over her shoulder to grab the toothbrush she had gotten for him.

Lucy shook her head and laughed softly, looking at Tim through the mirror. “Morning,” she mused, turning around to stand on her tippy toes to give him a quick kiss, wrapping her arms around his neck.

“You kept it,” he said, and Lucy turned to look at him almost hesitantly, raising her eyebrows in question. “What?” She asked, her voice soft.

“You kept it. The… you know… the tattoo,” Tim motioned over to where her shirt had ridden up just enough to reveal the inked mark on her ribs.

Right. The tattoo.

She had gotten so used to seeing it every single day, she had kind of forgotten it was there. Even on days like this. Even on this day. Three years ago, exactly.

“Yeah, well, someone taught me that I shouldn’t see this tattoo as a reminder of my potential day of death, but as the first day of the rest of my life,” she said with a small grin.

“Sounds like a smart guy. You should listen to him more often, you know, he might have some valuable lessons,” Tim teased right back, placing his hands on her hips. Lucy knew exactly where this was going and ducked out of his grip, moving towards the door instead.

“I’m sure he has a lot of valuable lessons, alright,” this was easy. The teasing. It made today seem like any other day. Made it a little easier to forget what happened.

Tim shook his head fondly and followed suit, closing the door to the bathroom behind him. “Tease,” he muttered.

“Ass,” she retorted, pressing another quick kiss to his lips.

“I’m glad you’re still here.” His voice was thick with emotion suddenly, his hands reaching up to carefully cup her face into his hands – as if he was cradling the whole world in them (maybe he was).

Lucy smiled sweetly, turning her face to press a hand to his palm. She wrapped her fingers around his wrist and pressed a kiss right below her thumb, against the pulse in his wrist.

“Me too,” she breathed out shakily, “Thank you for finding me.” With tears in her eyes, she looked up at him, feeling vulnerable as ever.

“That was all you, Lucy you need to give yourself the proper credit for it.”

“You’re the one that found me.”

“You’re the one that tossed your ring.”

Lucy nodded with a smile, reaching behind Tim to grab her shirt off the bed.

“Wait,” Tim said, bending his knees slightly until his lips were leveled at her ribcage. Gentle as ever, he pressed his lips to the inked skin, letting them linger there.

“Come on, get up,” Lucy whispered, hiding the emotion in her voice with a wet chuckle, “before you make me cry.” She pulled Tim to his feet by the lapels of his jacket.

Lucy made sure she finished getting dressed, really trying her hardest not to let her eyes drift over to Tim. Really. She really did try (and failed). Instead, she was watching, her blouse half buttoned up, fingers still paused against the fabric, as Tim pulled his shirt over his ridiculously toned abs.

“You are staring, Officer Chen,” he noted, because of course he did. Blame those damn cop eyes of his. He always managed to catch her staring.

“I should have you arrested for public indecency,” she retorted, smirking, walking closer to him and catching both of his wrists into her hands.

“That would indicate there’s an offended party in the matter, and I don’t think that is the case right now,” Tim said smoothly, leaning in even closer and easily letting her hold onto his wrists. Well, only for a little, anyway. His hands broke free and slipped under her shirt effortlessly as he drew her in for another kiss.

Lucy chuckled happily, a sound he swallowed easily, parting her lips with his tongue. If he didn’t stop any time soon, Lucy was going to call in sick and spend all day with him, curled up in bed instead.

“Tim,” she muttered in complaint, “work.” That reminder seemed to shake him awake, but not before he pulled back from the kiss, taking her bottom lip along with him. He let go of it with a soft plop and kissed the sting away quickly.

After that, it was getting even harder to focus on getting dressed, but somehow, she managed.

She walked into the kitchen, now fully dressed, and grabbed both his and her bags for work, swinging them over her shoulder. Tim, however, wouldn’t have that and immediately stole both bags away from her, nodding towards the door to hurry her up.

“Let’s go, we have work to get to. After you, Sergeant,” Lucy said pressing one final kiss to his lips before locking her apartment door behind her, dropping her keys in her jacket to free her hand – interlinking it with his.

Maybe, for once, today wouldn’t be as bad.

December 9^th 2023

Tim rolled over and pressed a soft kiss to the top of her head, then her shoulder in attempt to wake her up. All Lucy did was stir in her sleep and press her head further into his chest, muttering a muffled complaint about how she didn’t want to be up and out of bed today.

“I know, Luce, but we have lunch planned with Genny and the boys, we can’t let them down. Apparently they have been dying to see you again.”

“Fine, only because I love the kids,” Lucy pushed herself up and forced herself into the shower, after very explicitly telling Tim not to get into the shower with her. He, however, did not seem to plan to listen to anything she said.

Well, not until they were in the shower, because then he was very happy to listen.

It took two hours and a lot of time wasted on making out for them to make it to Genny’s house. The moment they got there, both kids ran over to envelope Lucy into a hug.

“Clearly I’m the fun one now,” Lucy teased, grinning at Tim. “Guess the kids have good taste, don’t they?”

Lucy ruffled their hair and sent them off to go help their mother in the kitchen. Tim, being the gentleman he was, took Lucy’s coat from her and hung it on the coat rack.

“After you,” he said, holding the door open with that same lovestruck smile he always had when looking at her.

Lunch went by pretty fast, Tyler kept telling them about how his baseball team was doing and how happy he was with his new life in LA. Tim, in his turn, told Genny about how work was nowadays, how happy he was to be moving on the job soon and how excited he was to finally get rid of all the trouble that came with dating someone in your chain of command.

After lunch, Lucy went over to play with both of Tim’s nephews, although at this point, with how well their relationship was doing, she might as well start considering them her own.

“So,” Genny sang-song, turning to look at Tim with a knowing smile. He looked absolutely head over heels in love with her, watching her interact so easily with his nephews. “You thinking about asking her soon? Come on, Tim you talked about grandkids on your second? first? date. You look at her like she’s your whole world.”

Tim just gave his sister a knowing smile. Truth be told, he had thought about asking her, but it just never seemed to be the right time to do it. And he didn’t exactly want to rush things either, he didn’t want to spring this on her and have her bail because she was far from ready for it.

“We both have a lot going on right now, and with Nolan and Bailey just tying the knot, I think it’s better to just wait a little bit, you know. I think she’d want a June wedding anyway, so I was thinking about proposing somewhere in July. So, we have a whole year to plan everything.” He really had been thinking about it more than he was willing to admit.

“Wow,” Genny said, and it was all that needed to be said, really. She knew just as well as Tim did that this was huge for him – making plans that far ahead and making sure they were actually considerate with a potential further timeline. “You really are in love. I’m glad, Timmy, you deserve that. She makes you happy. It just took you too long to figure it out.”

A chuckle left Tim’s lips, so loud that it caused Lucy to look up from where she was with the boys and flash a warm smile his way. Tim could feel his cheeks brighten in response and bit out a quick “don’t” before Genny could even think about making a comment.

“Wasn’t going to. I just wanted to say I have known since she helped us take down dad’s house, you know. You had that one look in your eyes, can’t put my finger on it, but I just knew right there and then.” Genny grabbed his hand and smiled warmly. “I’m happy for you. She makes you happy.”

Tim nodded in response, still unable to take his eyes away from the girl that had captured his heart way before his sister thinks she did. “Yeah, she really does.”

Lucy eventually walked back to the table and sat down next to Tim. “You two okay? You seem awfully smiley. Oh, god, don’t tell me you two planned anything.”

“We didn’t, don’t worry, just talking about some stuff,” Genny said, standing up with a wink. “As much as I would love to keep you two here, I need to get the boys to their birthday party, so you two should probably head back.”

And they did, without question, hands linked together tightly as they approached his truck.

Lucy turned to look at him with a soft smile, pressing a quick kiss to his lips, brushing her hand softly over the stubble of his beard. “Thank you for today, I really appreciate you taking my mind off everything, you know.”

Tim pressed another kiss to her lips in return and smiled. “Of course, glad I could help. Wanna head home and distract you some more?” He asked, raising his eyebrows suggestively in a way that made her brighten up with a fit of laughter.

She, however, would be the very last to say no to that.

“Yeah, yeah, you just drive home and try not to crash the car. Let’s just say I got you something special to show you how much I appreciate you.” Lucy whispered.

Tim broke several speed limits trying to make it home.

But who could blame him?

December 9^th 2024

Lucy sat on the couch of her apartment, legs curled up tightly to her chest. The past two years she had Tim to rely on when it came to dealing with this. The year before that, she had sought solace with Jackson, but even that seemed a little silly. So instead, she was on the couch, by herself, with no better way to cope than a tub of ice cream, a bottle of red wine and a whole lineup of true crime documentaries to binge.

Because avoiding it was easier than actually dealing with it. And what better way to avoid your own trauma than to watch other people go through even more horrible stuff? That made sense, right? Right?

Well, until it all went south.

Because the first episode she turned on just so happened to be about a kidnapping. At a bar. Of a girl in her late twenties. Well, so much for watching tv. She turned off the screen with a sigh and reached for the bottle of wine to fill herself another glass. Maybe she would just drift off to sleep instead.

She propped a pillow up on the armrest of her couch and her head down against it, shuffling around on the couch until she was as comfortable as she was going to get. It didn’t take long for her to drift off.

When she heard a knock at her door, she blinked awake. Once she had finally managed to get herself up off the couch, she walked towards it. Upon opening it, she didn’t see anything but a card on the ground. She would recognize that handwriting anywhere, though.

Tim.

She looked into the hallway, trying to figure out where he had gone. Part of her wanted to call out to him and ask him to come inside, but she knew that wouldn’t be smart. Small doses, she reminded herself. Small doses in order to heal what he had broken.

With shaky hands, she closed the door behind her again and walked over to her couch, opening up the letter he had gotten her. She wasn’t sure she was ready to read this, but she had to. She really, really had to.

Lucy,

I know I said I would only pay you your kindness back in small doses, but I need to get this off my chest. I know how traumatic today is for you and I’m sorry I can’t be around to help you through it. I just want you to know you have my unconditional support, no matter what. If here is anything you need me to do, just let me know. It’s the least I could do, after everything.

Thank you for saving my life that day. And know I will do whatever it takes to get you to trust me again. To get you to …

She couldn’t quite read the next word, but she assumed he had written ‘love’ there and then crossed it out.

… believe in me again.

Thank you.

Yours,

Tim

Well, damn it, now she was definitely crying. It was so touching that he remembered, despite everything, to reach out to her. She wanted to thank him, but she had no idea how to. She missed him more than anything, so inviting him over would probably lead to her doing something stupid, but not telling him might actually destroy her, knowing he put so much effort into it only for her not to thank him.

Despite knowing it might not be the best thing to do right now, she reached for her phone and texted Tim. It seemed like the least she could do – and the smartest move she could make – to thank him for getting her this card to get her through today. Despite everything, he still cared so incredibly much.