Chapter Text
Step Four: Keep yourself busy. The more you do, the less time you have to think about it.
“Just lay down, you don’t need to get up,” Mina’s voice was soothing and a stark difference from the pounding in Sana’s head. She tried to sit up in bed, her eyes barely open, the sunlight streaming into the room feeling as if she was getting stabbed. A groan left her lips as she let her body fall back down onto the mattress. Mina smoothed down her hair, pulling Sana into her lap to hold her close.
Mina’s body was warm, comforting in the haze of pain radiating through her head. She couldn’t remember the last time she drank that much. The last time was probably in college, feeling as if nothing in the world was truly that big to her. She didn’t drink often, mostly giving it up after graduation, and the nausea she felt every time she moved was a huge reminder of why she gave it up.
Something had set her off, the phone call she had gotten definitely did. It was an annual thing, usually around the holidays, and every year it was the same. When are you going to leave that woman? Have you gotten over it yet? I don’t want to see you if you’re still with her. It made the ring she had on her finger feel almost as if the metal was burning her skin. It hurt like the first time every single time she heard it. It didn’t get to her much anymore, Mina’s family loved her as if they were her own and her friends were family enough. It made her feel bitter every time, that part never went away. There was something close to guilt that haunted her. She loved Mina more than she could ever find the words to express, every language in the world combined still wouldn’t have enough words to describe it. But every year she wondered what it would be like if her family did accept her.
Mina laid down on the bed next to her, pulling Sana closer to lay on her. They were quiet, the room still except for their breathing and the pain in her skull. It hit her again as Mina’s fingers ran through her hair. That wave of shame that she could never shake. It made her wrap her arms around Mina as if she was scared that the younger woman would somehow slip away. She was almost saintly, somehow understanding how Sana was feeling and pulling her closer in response. It was unspoken, but it was a feeling so intense that it made a lump form in her throat. I’m right here, I’m never leaving. I’ll always be here.
–
Momo woke up feeling clammy, a groan leaving her lips as she squeezed her eyes closed. She felt as if she had slept with the heater directly on her with all the blankets piled up on top of her. There was a thin layer of sweat covering her skin, her body feeling far too hot for her to get comfortable again. She wanted to go back to sleep even just for a couple of hours to chase away the ache in her head. Every time she moved there was a new bolt of pain that shot through her head, white-hot like lightning.
Thankfully, she remembered just about all of the night. With her eyes closed she tried to go through it all. There was Sana, who she needed to check on later, talking about how every party was something that she planned to make herself feel less alone. There were a lot of tears spilled over that one, Momo knew that the holidays were tough for Sana, but she didn't know the full extent. She and Nayeon had listened, sipping their drinks as Sana cried into her's. Eventually, there was nothing left to say, leaving them all feeling heavy on the living room floor. Momo understood it, it was never going to be a feeling that truly went away, but their friends helped ease it. It was a bandage on a gash that would never close, but they kept it from hurting too much.
Momo remembered bringing up Jihyo. The young woman’s name had been on the tip of her tongue since she got to the lodge, constantly seeing her making it hard for feelings not to resurface. Ideally, she would have kicked Mina from their bedroom, affectionately of course, and taken it as her time to have Sana alone. She wanted to get her friend alone and have her help dissect her feelings. Jihyo was almost like a tidal wave, crashing over her only to pull her under, leaving her as the only thing Momo could grasp. She drowned in Jihyo, the burn in her lungs turning pleasant leaving her without the urge to break the surface again.
That feeling was back again, she wanted Jihyo to at least acknowledge her. She wanted her touch, she wanted to hear the way her name rolled off her tongue. She missed it, more than she’s ever fully understood until she saw her again. Momo wasn’t sure if she wanted closure or to be with her again, but she knew it always ended with Jihyo.
She remembered the younger woman taking her into what was supposed to be their shared room. That’s where it started to get blurry, there were only bits and pieces floating in her memory. Something rang clear though, the feeling of Jihyo’s hands on her skin. That’s where things started to get the fuzziest, but her touch was vivid in her memory. It made her not want to open her eyes, clinging to the familiar warmth of her fingertips.
The memory replayed in her mind, the warmth enveloping her and lulling her back to being between sleeping and waking. Then the warmth moved. The soft, plush warmth underneath her shifted, and it pulled her closer. Momo’s eyes shot open, hazy as they registered where she was. Jihyo was underneath her, still asleep with her arm wrapped around Momo keeping her close to her.
It felt as if Momo’s heart was trying to break out of her ribs, making her jolt up in bed scrambling to move away. The speed behind her movements made her wince, cursing as she raised her hands to hold her face. There was a soft groan from the other woman, stirring at the feeling of Momo moving. Jihyo looked up at her sleepily, blinking away the sleep from her eyes. Her eyes opened fully, gaze quickly becoming bewildered.
Jihyo’s mind seemed to be scrambling to apologize, “Oh my god, I’m so sorry.” She sat up in bed, moving away from Momo to put as much space between them as possible. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep here, I’m sorry.”
Momo was still holding her face in her hands, eyes closed behind her palms. She let out a groan as she peeked through the gaps between her fingers. “Just tell me we didn’t…”
There was too much silence for Momo to feel comfortable after asking that. She took her hands off her face, looking at Jihyo while she waited for an answer. Jihyo looked confused, brows furrowed until her eyes widened in realization. Her cheeks turned pink and she waved her hands, “Oh no, god no.” Momo’s reaction must have been one of pure horror, leaving Jihyo to scramble for something else to say. “I mean like, that wouldn’t have been bad. We have before and it was,” Momo raised an eyebrow at her words, “It was good, definitely good. But like, you were drunk. You just wanted me to stay.”
There it was, that little fact that was enough for Momo’s cheeks to start burning too. She had asked for Jihyo to stay. That was the best she had slept for months. She could probably chalk it up to the alcohol making her more sleepy than usual, but she knew that it was because Jihyo had held her. There was too much honesty to be found at the bottom of a bottle, too much for Momo to face with the hangover she had. Momo's eyes found Jihyo's hesitantly, warm pools of amber that seemed to be looking farther into Momo than someone who was barely a friend should.
There was an intimacy in her gaze that scared her, it made her want to shrink back and try to hide from it. There was something, whether she wanted to admit it or not. There were so many things left unsaid between them, more than they could probably ever talk about. But there was fear too, Jihyo had run away the first time and nothing was stopping her from doing it again.
"Can we talk about it?" Jihyo's voice was delicate, wavering in a way that almost felt fearful. They both knew that there was no running from it anymore. They were stuck together for the time being and their actions both showed that there was something between them still.
Momo sighed, it felt too big for her to process right now. There was still that lingering feeling of nausea every time she moved her head and the gross feeling of dried sweat on her skin. Fear was bubbling up inside her, enough to make her stomach hurt more than it already did. But Jihyo was laying it in her hands. She was the one who had left, she knew that Jihyo was hurt by it all too, but she wasn't the one who was left shattered. Momo wanted to have the conversation, she wanted Jihyo and last night proved it. Being sober made the fear more obvious, Jihyo had run one time and she was more than capable of doing it again. She took a deep breath and avoided Jihyo's gaze as she spoke, "Later? Everything hurts right now, honestly."
The younger woman nodded in reply. There was a soft smile dancing on her lips and a tenderness in her eyes that Momo wasn't sure was still her's to see. She got out of the bed and straightened her clothes. "I understand, you should probably try to sleep." Momo's eyes followed her as Jihyo started to rummage through her suitcase. She stood up again and walked towards the door. The hinges squeaked slightly as she opened it and stepped out. Jihyo looked back before she left, "Rest if you can, take care of yourself, please."
Momo hoped the finality in her words was only in her head.
–
Jihyo sat downstairs by herself. Everyone was holed up in their rooms and probably would be for at least a few hours. When she found out that Momo was coming, she tried to set a few rules for herself. It was all centered around spending as little time with the older woman as possible, but god did it backfire. The pull she felt every time she saw Momo was something that she couldn't deny. It hurt every time Momo tried to avert her gaze away from her or sit as far from her as possible, but Jihyo still wanted to be around her. The way Momo was pulling away was killing her, but they had both let their fronts fall last night.
There was still something, she knew it in the way that Momo had looked at her. It could have been all the alcohol in the other woman's system or the low night of the lamp Jihyo had turned on, but her eyes had looked so soft. She looked the same way she had when they had shoved themselves into Momo's dorm room bed in college. She looked the same way she had when they spent their first night in their apartment together after Jihyo had graduated. Momo had looked at her the same way she had before the night she had left.
Jihyo made it a point to live a life full of things that she wouldn't regret, she wanted more than anything to have peace with all of the decisions and outcomes in her life. When she looked back on her life, there wasn't anything that stuck out to her in a way that burned with regret. There was nothing besides Momo.
Everything that they had done together, every moment, shone in her memory. Momo was the constant in her whirlwind of desires. She kept her grounded, kept her human, through all the stress of her studies. It almost feels silly when she looks back on it, there was no real reason for her to be stressing over exams the way she had, but Momo was the one that made her realize that. She kept her from burning herself out and hell Momo probably could become a nurse herself with how much they had studied together. Momo was the quiet and the peace that Jihyo craved, no needed , in her life.
In the past couple of months before the party, Jihyo could feel herself starting to get lost. She had gotten everything she wanted, she had a nice apartment in the city and the job she had dreamed of when she was a kid. The internship she took was a start toward the rest of what she wanted for herself. Eventually, she wanted to go further with her education and possibly become a physician's assistant, but there was some kind of empty feeling that kept her from making the jump. That and the cost of school, but that was more of an excuse than anything and she knew it.
She tried to make new friends, the group hadn’t iced her out by any means, but there was something different that she could feel. It was that and how loud Momo’s absence was, the nine of them hadn't all been together in years. They didn’t talk as much after she skipped out on Sana’s wedding. She knew that she should have gone, that tended to eat away at her, but Sana and Mina were more of Momo’s friends. She deserved to go and be comfortable. Jihyo knew that it would have worked, the ceremony would have been big enough for them to maybe never even run into each other, but Jihyo couldn’t stand seeing the sadness in Momo’s eyes even just in passing.
It was all heavier than she ever expected it to be, her work had effectively pushed it down, but having Momo so close made it all start to bubble up. There was no avoiding it at this point.
Jihyo looked up as she heard someone coming down the stairs. Mina stepped into the living room and flashed her a brief smile before going to rummage through the cabinets in the kitchen. She came back holding a cardboard box full of paint bottles and clear ornaments.
Mina sat down on the couch with her and started to take out the bottles and set them on the coffee table. Without looking up she started to talk, “What are you doing with her?”
The question made Jihyo’s brows furrow, looking at Mina in confusion as the other woman started to take out the paintbrushes. “What do you mean?”
“Well, Sana just left me in bed. She said she needs to talk to Momo, so there’s obviously something.”
Jihyo’s heart started beating faster in her chest. She and Momo had been close, but they were nowhere near how close Sana was to Momo. She used to be jealous of it, finding herself wondering if they were together before Mina came into the picture. It was more than enough to tell her that whatever conversation that was happening upstairs involved her.
Mina sat back on the couch once she finished taking out the supplies. “I’m not expecting you to have all the answers and honestly if you did I don’t know if I’d even want to hear it.” That part stung a bit, she knew that she had alienated herself from the married couple, but she wasn’t sure how far it ran. “Look, Sana would burn cities down for Momo. Whatever you’re doing, be careful.”
They were facing each other now, there was something burning in Mina’s eyes that made Jihyo feel small. They weren’t the closest, their personalities differed too much, but she knew that when Mina was serious it encompassed every definition of the word. Jihyo met her eyes again and swallowed hard, “I won’t hurt her again, I promise.”
Mina got up with a sigh, starting to head back upstairs, “You said that last time, didn’t you? A promise doesn’t mean anything if you don’t do anything to prove it.” She paused and looked over her shoulder at Jihyo still sitting on the couch. Her gaze was lowered, staring down as if she was ashamed. It hurt, but it was true, leaving her unable to meet Mina’s gaze. “Sana wants to decorate ornaments, I’m gonna bring everyone down.”
There wasn’t a time when Jihyo wanted to disappear more than she did now.
–
Sana was a lot stronger than she looked. They had spent the past hour talking, the younger woman eventually wandering into her room and finding her glued to the bed. She had nearly jumped on top of Momo, clinging to her and begging her to get up citing it being Christmas Eve as the reason. Momo was nearing violently hungover, her friend's energy making her head more than it had been before she came into the room. She didn't understand how Sana had that much energy, but once Momo sat up and checked her phone the fact that it was nearly three in the afternoon made it make sense.
It was safe to assume that the three of them probably slept in, she hadn't seen Nayeon since last night, but she knew all three of them had drunk themselves stupid. Sana finally gave her the push she needed to get out of bed, she had just about dragged her out, sticking around to ensure that Momo was actually getting ready. It reminded her of when they were still in high school, there were a couple of months where Sana's parents had gone away on a trip in the middle of the school year and she had spent the time at Momo's house. They were inseparable before, but those months did nothing, but solidify it. They spent every moment together and never got tired of each other. Much to her mom's dismay the two of them had spent every night staying up and talking to the point where Momo knew Sana just as well as she knew herself. There was an intimacy between them that Momo treasured, it was something that she never wanted to let go of and she was reminded of it when Sana told her she was going to sit in the bathroom while she showered.
The sound of the water almost drowned out Sana's voice. Momo was standing under the showerhead, eyes closed as the warm water wet her hair and ran down her back. "What happened last night?" It made Momo's eyes open, cursing softly as water dripped into one of her eyes. She rolled the thought over in her mind, she did want to tell Sana eventually. Keeping it to herself made her feel almost crazy, talking about it out loud would mean that it really happened.
The sound of a shampoo bottle opening rang through the bathroom, echoing off of the walls. Momo poured some out and set it back down on the small shower shelf, rubbing it between her hands before starting to massage it into her scalp. Her eyes closed, scared to get soap in them, and it made the memory feel more vivid as she told Sana, "We slept in the same room. I woke up and she was holding me." Momo stepped under the stream of water, letting the shampoo rinse out, the stream muffling her voice slightly, "She said I asked her to. I liked it, more than I should have. I really thought that I got over her. I just keep thinking about her, I haven't been able to stop since I got here."
Her words hung heavy in the damp air, the buzz of the ventilating fan breaking the stillness. She couldn't see Sana, but she knew she was staring up at the ceiling in thought. Momo opened the conditioner, brushing it through the ends of her hair before picking up her washcloth and putting soap on it. As the conditioner sat, Momo started to wash her body. The soap was a gentle lavender borrowed from Sana, it was the one thing she had forgotten while packing.
"She obviously wanted it too if she stayed." The thought made Momo freeze, slowly standing up and stopping to listen to Sana. "I know she left, but I don't think it was to hurt you. It did though, and that's not fair to you, but I think it hurt her too." Soap washed off of her, circling the drain as it flowed down the shower floor. "Jihyo didn't seem the same after she left you," Sana laughed softly, something more bittersweet than happy. "She didn't even come to my wedding, I think she told Jeongyeon that you deserved to go more than she did."
It got quiet again, leaving Momo alone with her thoughts. "Jihyo isn't a bad person, she probably won't ever be. Sometimes I think she regrets it, you don't know how many times I've caught her looking at you.” The last of the soap washed off of Momo's body. She knew Sana was waiting for her to say something, maybe admit something out loud. But her words were lost in the steam filling the bathroom, floating higher and higher until they were completely out of reach.
–
The way her friends had sat down in the living room felt almost like a setup. Nayeon and Jeongyeon were almost on top of each other on the loveseat, Sana and Mina were squeezed onto a recliner, and the three of their youngest friends took up the big couch. That left Momo with the other recliner. She would have had no problem with it, but as she walked into the living room Jihyo came in from the kitchen.
The younger woman flashed her a small smile, shyly walking towards the seat. Momo could feel Sana’s eyes on her and with a quick glance she saw her friend whispering into her wife’s ear.
Momo rolled her eyes and looked at Jihyo. She was standing by the last empty seat, awkward and fidgeting with her fingers. Momo hadn’t seen her nervous like this since… since their first date. She chased the thought away and looked from Jihyo to the recliner, “Do you mind? My head is still killing me.”
Jihyo’s reaction was far bigger than it needed to be, gesturing almost wildly to the seat. “Of course, yeah.” As Momo sat down she shifted awkwardly, “Do you need anything before I sit down?”
From the big couch, she could hear Tzuyu snicker at Jihyo’s antics. Momo sighed and tried her best to give a smile, “No, thank you, I’m fine.”
The younger woman nodded in response and pointed at the ground in front of the chair. “Do you mind if I…”
It was clunky and awkward, making Momo wish she never let Sana drag her out of bed. “Just sit, it’s okay.”
Momo’s eyes found Sana’s, the younger woman laughing softly at the exchange. She stood up from Mina’s lap and gestured at the art supplies on the coffee table, “It’s Christmas Eve, so it’s time for our little tradition. Mina and I brought paints and some stickers, design your ornament however you want, but make it count there’s only enough for everyone to have one. The ones from last year are still in their box, so when we’re done we’re going to put them on the tree together.”
Sana sat down on Mina’s lap again and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. Her face lit up again, “Oh! And no phones, we all need to catch up, the year’s been crazy.”
If Momo wasn’t so close to Sana and if her wife wouldn’t kill her, she would have strangled her. The rest of the girls had eased into conversation, laughing between brush strokes on the plastic ornaments that Sana had brought. It was awkward again and Jihyo had no way to distract herself. She kept catching Jihyo glancing up at her. Their eyes kept missing each other, thank god, but Momo kept noticing her glances.
One of their younger friends finally pulled Jihyo’s attention away from Momo. Chaeyoung looked over at Nayeon and Jeongyeon. Jeongyeon looked up at her, Nayeon still focused on her ornament. “You guys took care of what Nayeon was yelling about?” Nayeon froze, her cheeks turning red while Jeongyeon stared at them frozen. The three of them burst into laughter, Chaeyoung smacking Dahyun’s back as she laughed. Between their laughter, Chaeyoung wiped at her eyes, “It sounded like you were trying to kill each other.”
Mina was trying to hold back her laughter as Sana clamped her hand over her mouth to muffle her own. Momo chuckled, looking down at her ornament. It was blank still, it felt as if she had spent half the year sleepwalking. She didn’t know how to design it.
Nayeon spoke up, quick to try to defend herself, “At least we talked about it, you can't avoid a problem forever.”
That felt slightly targeted, in the corner of her eye she could see Jihyo sneaking another glance at her. Must have stung a little to her too. Tzuyu scoffed at her answer, “I don’t think you guys did a lot of talking. I’d probably need a hazmat suit to go into that room.”
Nayeon stared at Tzuyu shocked, jaw slack as Jeongyeon’s ears started to turn red.
Sana piped in, “Trust me they definitely figured each other out.” She looked right at Momo as she spoke, raising her eyebrows slightly.
The change in attention made Momo start to feel more eyes on her than she wanted. She spoke more to the ground than the room full of her friends, “Some of us are still figuring it out.” Jihyo looked up at her again, eyes fixed as if she were trying to pick apart what she said. She could feel Sana’s gaze on her still, the rest of them growing quiet. She sighed and looked at them, “But whatever, it’s Christmas Eve.”
God, this was going to be a long night.