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Hueningkai came to practice extra early that day.
He liked being early, that's true, but he just needed time alone. Time to breathe and collect his thoughts, and a head start.
He'd been disassociating all the time lately. Maybe it was the tiredness from album promotions catching up to him, or the thoughts about himself that he kept buried down, trying to resurface again.
He stared at the large mirror, eyeing his figure accentuated by his clothing choice.
He sported a tight black t-shirt, a baseball cap, and sweats.
He came early to practice, so why couldn't he couldn't move his attention away from the mirror?
His fingers traveled from the dips of his hips, to his shoulders and broadness of his chest, the thickness of his arms.
He spent the last two years trying to build a stronger physique but he still wasn't satisfied.
He hit his goals, and many people around him, including MOA had noticed the change and praised him for it. So much so that he started to become one of the most popular members for a long time.
He couldn't help but think about how many more eyes were on his looks. So many posts and comments were praising how much better he looks.
He never wanted to lose that. That feeling of satisfaction, seeing people talk not only positively talk about his talents, but also his looks.
He craved that feeling so much, but as his hands reached down to his stomach, he noticed something.
He gained weight.
He was still muscular and fit. He wasn’t fat at all. Maybe only he noticed the change, but it was significant enough for him.
He stepped closer to the mirror and started to analyze his body. Sucking his stomach in and exhaling, disappointed with the little bit of extra fat on his body.
He started eating a little better since live schedules started to calm down. Maybe it was a mistake.
He didn't want to be so focused on his looks, but how couldn't he be? All his members were smaller than him, and there were millions of people that would notice a difference.
He didn't want to get so tucked up into his insecurity, but it hurt, watching his pathetic reflection staring back at him.
“Hey.”
Kai still stood in the same position, seemingly frozen, with his hand still on his stomach.
“Hellooo?”
This was a problem for later. He'll deal with it later.
“Yo Kai!”
He snapped out of his trance after he saw Yeonjun in the reflection holding his gym bag over his shoulder with a change of clothes, waving trying to get Kai’s attention.
“Oh sorry, hi” Kai said quietly while blinking rapidly.
“Are you okay? I tried saying hi to you a couple of times but you seem out of it” Yeonjun said, placing his bag in the corner, walking towards the center, preparing to stretch.
“Yeah I’m fine, I just zoned out. Didn't get enough sleep.”
“Ah okay. We should get some coffee after, it'll help.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
☆
Dance practice just as expected. They all needed to brush up on their skills for some upcoming ceremonies and events.
After practice they left pretty quickly, since they had to do some filming later.
“Hey, you coming?” Taehyun asked, about to leave.
“I just wanna practice a move or two, I'll be back soon!”
“Ok, see you.”
Kai sat on the cold floor and turned on his phone and went on Twitter.
He liked seeing what others had to say about him, his performances, and seeing funny posts and fanart.
He scrolled for a little bit until he saw a post, which made his heart sink.
‘When did Hueningkai gain so much weight? It's embarrassing that he just gave up taking care of his looks’
There was a picture attached, a screenshot of their recent stage, zoomed onto Kai, where his shirt went a little up.
He checked the comments, hoping they would be defending him, but many agreed.
‘Exactly! I'm not the only one who thought that. It's embarrassing af how fat he's gotten’
‘He finally started getting attractive, but he just gave up on himself lol’
‘These are the types of people who should starve themselves on go on crazy diets’
‘Fr, like what does he have to offer now? His singing sucks, his dancing's sloppy, now he's ugly again’
He turned off his phone before he got the chance to check the people defending it. But what was the use of checking those?
He hated that he agreed with those comments and thought the same way about himself.
He had been insecure about his looks at many points in his life. Sometimes it bothered him for a long time.
He finally found some confidence recently. Those thoughts came around a lot less.
But now, maybe, just maybe he thought that it was just in his head, but now it's all there.
He had to do something.
☆
Their days were all pretty much the same, 1-3 schedules every day.
He made a plan. He would eat a lighter breakfast, skip lunch and have coffee instead, and a normal dinner.
Seemed healthy enough to him.
He stuck to his plan and the members didn't question it. They went on diets often. Beomgyu had asked if he was dieting when Kai didn’t have his usual breakfast of eggs and toast. It was pretty casual for them.
Two weeks of effort went by and he still looked the same.
He went to the bathroom, reached under the counter and pulled out his scale to check his weight.
He gained?
How was that possible? He was working so hard, but not hard enough.
He wanted to cry. All his hard work was going to waste, it made him heavier, bigger, less worthy.
His body shook, eyes filling with tears as he slowly stepped off the scale. Why couldn't he get one thing right?
He sucked it up and tried harder.
☆
He stopped eating breakfast.
He worked out more on top of practices and schedules. He made the time.
His stomach hurt, he felt dizzy, but he started to lose weight.
Slowly he started restricting more and more.
Sometimes replacing his breakfast with fruit, often only eating a meal a day.
Replacing his iced lattes with iced americanos.
Of course questions started to roll in.
“Hey are you okay?"
“I haven't seen you eat all day?”
But so did the excuses.
“I'm fine! I just couldn't sleep last night.”
“I ate earlier.”
And some a bit more harsh than others.
“I'm fine, just get off my back.”
“I'm tired, leave me alone.”
His plan was working out.
He would just do it until he lost enough weight. Maybe only a little while longer.
He took motivation from the negative comments and posts. He kept them saved and looked at them when he started to get tired of restricting.
He knew it was messed up, but he just needed to lose more.
He managed to keep this going for a couple of weeks. Sure he already lost weight, but he needed to be weightless and angelic.
Pretty and slim like Soobin and Beomgyu.
But although his plan was working out, it came with bad consequences.
☆
Kai walked out of the shower at night. He figured distracting himself from food would make it easy for him to skip dinner and sleep.
There was only one schedule that day, which left them with a mostly free day.
He walked into the living room, drying his hair with a towel, in his pajamas ready to sleep.
The members were sprawled on the couch, Beomgyu lazily slouched, on his phone scrolling, when he broke his attention to talk to him.
“Hey, we're getting fried chicken, do you want the garlic flavour?” Beomgyu asked sitting up.
“Oh I don't want any, not hungry.”
“You're joking right? Are you okay? You never turn down garlic chicken.” Beomgyu asked, laughing, a little confused, with a hint of concern.
Kai was pissed. Beomgyu didn't say anything wrong, but the thought of him being expected to eat unhealthy food filled him with anger and frustration. He couldn't stop himself from snapping.
“What the hell do you mean by that? Why is that so surprising to you that I don't want to eat?” Kai snapped at Beomgyu, raising his voice.
All the members looked at him shocked.
Kai was typically calm, they can't recall the last time Kai acted like this, it must've been years. They always worked out things by talking, he didn't like being loud.
“What? Are you serious? I'm just trying ask you what you want. We're all ordering, plus you didn't eat all day. I don't know why you took it like that” Beomgyu said, annoyed.
“I know what you meant. You know what, just forget it, I'm going to sleep” Kai said before storming to his room and slamming the door.
All the boys looked at each other confused. They were annoyed, confused, and concerned. Why was he acting up?
Kai slid down to sit against the door and started sobbing while covering his mouth, muffling the sound.
“What was that?” Beomgyu asked, looking at the rest of them. “Did I say anything wrong?”
“Nah I just think he's having a bad day.” Soobin responded.
“Yeah but he never acts like this. It's weird.” Beomgyu said, looking at Yeonjun waiting for his input.
“He's been acting weird lately, and he's not really eating. It could be that” Yeonjun said. “One of us should go talk to him. I hope he apologizes to you though, because that was kinda messed up.”
“Yeah, I'll talk to him tomorrow.”
Kai didn't know why he snapped. His hyung was being nice to him, but he felt so irritated and tired. He regretted it so bad, but he was too tired to go back and apologize.
He felt so light-headed. Maybe it was the lack of food making him feel this way. He stumbled to his bed, dizziness taking over him.
He just needed to sleep and ignore It.
Ignore his argument.
Ignore the hunger.
He stared at the ceiling, his eyelids fluttering, barely unable to stay open.
He didn't sleep that night, he fainted almost immediately after his head hit his pillow. For some reason he felt pride for that. For being in control.
For finally starting to become enough.
☆
He woke up with an awful headache.
His body was begging him for food, so he went to the kitchen and decided to cut up some strawberries. They wouldn't make him gain weight or ruin his progress.
Soobin was in the kitchen standing by the stove.
“How many pancakes do you want Kai?” He asked, evenly distributing some decent looking ones on five different plates.
“Oh that's all right. I'm not that hungry, just having fruit today.”
“Please! I worked hard on these, it'll make me happy.”
Kai sighed, Soobin unable to hear it because of the sizzling of the stove.
“Okay, sure. Thank you” Kai said. Soobin handed a plate of a couple of pancakes. He added less on Kai's since he said he wasn't hungry. It was decorated with bananas and a drizzle of syrup, in the shape of a smile.
Kai smiled slightly, in awe of Soobin’s cuteness.
He sat down and stared at the plate. All the calories. He took a couple of bites and threw the rest out when he wasn't looking. He couldn't mess up his progress.
☆
He knows that the thoughts were starting to take over him. The thought of food made him panicked and upset. It didn't feel like his normal diets.
It was more extreme, it took over his thoughts. He thought about it everywhere. Dance practice, filming, photoshoots.
They had a dance practice that day.
Kai came early again. He figured he'd have some alone time again.
He analyzed his figure again. It was different from a month ago, when he started.
He was slimmer. He lost some muscle, the fat was practically melting off of him.
He pulled up his shirt to look more carefully. Maybe a couple more pounds wouldn't hurt.
Yeonjun walked in first.
Why did he always catch Kai in the middle of his body checks?
“Hey!” Yeonjun said.
“Hey” Kai responded with very little enthusiasm. He cut off the conversation and went to the corner to use his phone. He was too tired to make light-hearted conversation.
Beomgyu walked in shortly with Soobin and Taehyun.
Kai jogged up to him. He needed to apologize.
“Hey hyung. I'm sorry for last night. You weren't wrong and I snapped for no reason.”
“Oh it’s okay! Don't worry about it. Are you doing okay though? You just seem like you have a lot on your mind. Yeonjun hyung seemed pretty worried for you too.”
“Yeah, I'm alright, I do have a lot on my mind, but I don't really feel like talking about it yet.”
“Ok, but don't hesitate to talk to any of us, okay?” He said, smiling slightly and patting him on the shoulder.
“Of course.”
This time dance practice was kind of hectic. Mainly because of Kai messing up.
He tripped.
“Sorry!”
He got dizzy and messed up a move.
“My bad.”
The dance instructor and the members were starting to get frustrated.
“Okay um, take 5. We need to take this seriously. We're getting closer to the performance.” The instructor said, pinching in between his eyebrows, frustrated over the disturbances.
They all moved to the side, drinking their water, sitting down to stretch, but Kai was frozen. He knew he was messing up his dancing. He could barely keep up, but he didn't want to sacrifice his progress by eating more.
“Kai? What's going on?” Yeonjun asked, looking at Kai while stretching.
“Hm?” He mumbled out. He didn't realize he was shaking, and holding onto his head.
“I don't kn-” his voice faded out as his vision went black and he fell to the floor.
“Kai!” Yeonjun yelled as he ran to the center.
He rubbed his hand to try and get him to wake up.
“Oh God. He's not getting up” Yeonjun said.
“Are you serious? Ok um let me try” Taehyun walked up and shook Kai’s shoulders lightly.
Kai opened his eyes and tried adjusting to the light. He groaned and didn't respond to the members trying to talk to him. He grabbed onto his head, his head hurting even more.
“Kai, what was that?” Beomgyu asked, helping him sit up.
“I don't know. I've been dizzy all day. Sorry for messing up the choreo.”
“It's okay. Don't worry about it. Did you eat though?” Yeonjun asked.
“Um-” his question was answered by the loud grumbling sound coming from his stomach.
“Jeez, you need to get some food in you.” Yeonjun said before looking around trying to figure out what to give him.
“Wait, I have lunch with me. You can have it. I wanted to go to a cafe later either way” Taehyun said, grabbing his lunch box and handing it to him.
Kai accepted it with shaky hands. He looked down and saw some rice with chicken breast. Taehyun packed bigger portions of chicken since he was trying to build more muscle lately.
He could figure out the amount of calories. It was too much, but he couldn't let the members know he was starving himself, or else it would derail his entire plan.
He stared for a bit longer until Yeonjun broke the silence.
“Let me feed you.”
“It's okay, hyung.”
“Please let me, you can barely sit up. I want to do this.”
The dance instructor walked back in and saw the scene. Soobin walked up to him and briefly explained the situation. He was understanding and gave them a bit more time to rest.
The other members moved aside to get the attention off of him.
Yeonjun opened the container and loaded the spoon with big bites. His eyes were filled with so much love taking care of his little brother.
Even though Kai didn't want to eat, he hated to admit it felt good getting taken care of.
It felt nice to fill up his stomach with delicious food. He hadn't done that in so long. He didn't want to enjoy it, but he did.
Why couldn't he go back to the way it was?
☆
The rest of the day was pretty packed. Kai sat out for the rest of dance practice.
Thankfully it wasn't much physical stuff and Kai could relax. Plus he finally had enough food in his system for once.
He let that be his cheat day.
Later they had a photoshoot planned for a magazine.
They all got their makeup done and we're handed some outfits. It was a “sexy” vibe, having a more mature concept, a little more revealing, but Kai requested to get a full coverage outfit some time in advance.
Kai found it most comfortable to show less skin, but now the thoughts about his body made him want to cover even more.
They all changed into their outfits.
Yeonjun got a tank top and baggy jeans. Soobin got a t-shirt and low rise pants. Taehyun got a crop top and jeans, and Beomgyu got a lacy sheer top, with a tank top under and loose pants.
Kai was handed a normal length t- shirt and loose-fitted jeans. He hesitated to change into it for a bit, but they had to start shooting soon.
Kai walked into a room beside the main dressing room to get changed.
It was like a second dressing room, with a full length mirror, sunshine peeking through the frosted window.
He changed and looked in the mirror and something just felt so wrong.
The shirt was tight. It felt a little suffocating, but he had worn outfits like this before for content, and he used to wear clothes like this regularly. It was a while since he saw himself in something like this though.
His figure was so prominent in it. He could see every little curve and dip of his body. Everything was on display, he felt so raw and exposed.
Did he even lose weight or was that an illusion? No matter what he did he felt so fat.
He shouldn't have eaten so much earlier. It ruined his process. It ruined everything. He hugged his body, cringing at the feeling of his “huge” arms and “fat” stomach.
He flinched at the feeling and moved his hands away. He wasn't small enough. He didn't control himself enough.
Why did existing in his body make him feel so awful? He was taking up too much space. He couldn't do anything right.
He moved to the corner, sat down hugging his knees and cried. He cried so much that his head started pounding even more.
He cried because he felt too big. He cried because he ate too much. He cried because he couldn't think about anything else, the thoughts polluting his mind. He cried because of the comments. He cried of his constant self hatred. He cried because he knows he will never be enough.
He heard the door slowly open, but he was too stuck in his thoughts to even notice.
“Kai? Baby what's wrong?” Yeonjun asked, running up to him and crouching down to his level.
His tears were rolling down his face, his eye makeup smudging, and his hair all messed up. A teardrop fell onto that cursed shirt that made him spiral.
He didn't respond, he was crying too much to get into his senses and talk.
“It's okay. I'm here. Let it out” Yeonjun said, wrapping him in a tight and warm hug. He was tearing up himself, seeing his friend in so much pain, but he blinked quickly, leaving his eyes glassy.
Kai held onto him as if his life depended on the hug.
He gave him a moment to cry, rubbing his back in small soothing circular motions.
Kai pulled away and looked at Yeonjun, firmly holding onto his hyung's forearms. His face was red, and his eyes were puffy.
He looked at Yeonjun with desperation and hope. Wishing that his gentle stare, filled with warmth and comfort could somehow take away all of his suffering.
“I'm sorry.”
“For what baby?”
“For everything. I've been so terrible to all of you. I've been snapping at you guys but you didn't deserve it at all. I was just letting out my anger and frustration on you guys and I feel so guilty. I'm sorry for messing up all the time” Kai said hurriedly in one breath.
“Hey it's okay. We forgave you right after. The truth is... we have been more concerned than mad.” Yeonjun paused.
“Concerned?”
“Well, I don't know if it has to do with what's been upsetting you, but I noticed you've been eating a lot less for a while. Like not the normal dieting kind. We all noticed something was up. Am I right?”
“Um yeah. To be honest… I've been starving myself. Like I've been skipping my meals, lying about how much I ate, or if I even did at all. I've been feeling so sick and dizzy all the time. I hate it so much.” He cried into his hands.
Yeonjun gently moved Kai’s hands from his face. His eyebrows went up all concerned like a cartoon character. It's like Kai could see him completely break.
“I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry you've been dealing with all this alone. We should've been there for you. But why? Why would you hurt yourself like this?” Yeonjun pleaded.
“I'm disgusting. I'm fat, ugly, and completely unworthy. Only losing weight could make me enough as a person. I don't have anything else to offer.”
“No, that's completely wrong. You are so beautiful and so worthy.” Yeonjun said, holding Kai's hand.
Kai yanked it away and held his knees back to his chest.
“Then why does everyone think that? People say it, and it hurts even more because I can't even be mad at them. I agree with what they have to say. I know it's not just in my head.”
“Who's everyone? Who would be that cruel?”
Kai closed his eyes and paused. He exhaled before revealing it.
“Comments. All over Twitter. They kept on calling me fat and ugly, so I saved them on my phone.”
“Can you show me?”
Kai silently nodded and attempted to unlock his phone. It took him a couple of tries before he could enter his pin. His hands were too shaky and his tears were still clouding his vision.
He handed Yeonjun his phone, opened on a folder titled ‘Motivation’.
Yeonjun held the phone and scrolled through the comments and posts. It felt endless. He bit his lip, so upset with every single comment, getting worse as he scrolled by. He brought his hand to his mouth when he saw the most cruel one. Something he'd never imagine a person could say.
Why would anyone want to hurt his best friend?
“Kai… I'm so sorry you had to see all of these. You should've gotten them reported, they're disgusting.”
“I couldn't get myself to. I don't know why I just keep on listening.”
“These people. The ones saying all of this are pathetic. They do anything to entertain themselves, especially hurting people who did nothing wrong.”
“Then why do they all say the same thing? Why is it all about my looks, my weight? There's clearly something wrong with me.”
“No there isn't. You are beautiful, and you are definitely not fat at all. Kpop beauty standards are like…really messed up. People would see the skinniest person and call them fat. Not being dangerously underweight isn't being fat. Just because your body changed so slightly, which is not a bad thing at all, people picked up on that and applied their terrible standards. They have nothing better to do than monitor someone's weight loss and weight gain, and try to make problems. It's pathetic honestly.”
“So I'm not fat?”
“Hell no. It's objectively impossible to say that about you. Even if it ever happened, it doesn't matter, because you'll always be the most beautiful person ever. Honestly…I will never understand people like this. You are so breathtaking. We all think that, and all the people who actually care about you. Not only us members, but your family, other friends, and millions of people that cheer you on. We have no obligation to gas you up and to compliment you. We do it because we love you and we mean it.”
Kai pulled Yeonjun into a hug.
“Thank you hyung.”
“Anything for you.”
“You really think I'm attractive?”
“Obviously. When you came into the company, I was kinda shocked when I saw you. You were so little, and you've always been so pretty. I knew as time went on, you'd be…. Uhhhh attacking the ladies' hearts” He said laughing while teasing him.
“AHHH STOP IT! THAT INTERVIEW IS SO OLD, I WAS LIKE 16!” Kai said, playfully pushing Yeonjun's shoulder and laughing. He held onto the smile, seeing the fondness in his hyung's eyes as they scrunched up, giggling at Kai's reaction.
“Sorry! I had to. You were so cute in that” Yeonjun said laughing and turning pink, looking over at Kai who was still smiling.
He paused for a second to capture the moment, looking deep into his eyes.
“I wanna see you happy like this all the time. Well I guess all the time isn't possible, but I want your hard days to be more bearable.”
“I want that too.”
“It's possible. Is there anything you think I could do to help?”
“I don't know.” He stopped for a second.
“Well maybe, but I feel embarrassed asking.”
“Just tell me. You don't need to feel embarrassed with me.”
“Can we like eat together often? I think that seeing someone else eating with me would make me feel less guilty and bad.”
“Yeah of course! Can I cook for you too? Well maybe not everyday, but whenever we have the time.”
“You'd do that for me?”
“Duh. Plus I kinda wanna show off my cooking skills and rub it into Taehyun's face.”
“Yay okay!” Kai said, bending down and hugging Yeonjun's waist, making himself look tiny, a cute habit he started after he grew tall.
Yeonjun patted Kai on the back. “Alright, get up, we gotta go back to the photoshoot.”
“Okay. Thanks for helping me by the way hyung. I really don't want to be stuck like this forever.”
“I promise you won't.”
Kai tried getting up, stumbling a little, reaching his hand out for some help.
“I just hope I can feel like enough.”
Yeonjun pulled Kai back up to his feet and kissed his forehead. He looked at him and smiled.
“I hope so, because you already are, and you always will be."