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Soobin and Yeonjun started their relationship in the beggining of High School. Now, close to the end of school, they were still together. They both loved each other intensely, despite bing judge too young for this serious feeling. Yeonjun said that the first thing he was going todo when school is over is marrying with his lover.
All of their firsts was together, with eachother, even the simpler this, since before being boyfriends, they were bestfriends.
It was in Yeonjun's house where Soobin stayed the first night out, and in that same night was the first time he spent the dawn awake playing games and eating junk food. At the sunrise, they were tired and slept all day, hugged.
It was with Soobin that Yeonjun went for the first time at the roller coaster, with much insistence from the younger, since the other was terified of heights. But all the fear was worth it at the end for being able to feel a different kind of butterflies in the stomach when he saw his friend smiling ear to ear, with his dimples showing, and his laughter resounding.
It was with Yeonjun that Soobin ditch classes for the first time, while the older said that he needed a little of adrenaline in his monotonous adolescence. They ran happilly through the streets, with their backpags emptys while laughing. Yeonjun insisted that Soobin needed to rebel himself, be a true teenage. They kicked trash scans and broke windows of abandoned houses. Pressed the bell of some houses and runned away. Went to a big supermarket and stole candys. It was on that day that Soobin drinked for the first time, and on that same day they whispered drunk sweet confessions to each other, that would be ignored on the next day.
And after, was with Soobin that Yeonjun confessed for the first time. He had already received a bunch of love letters from girls during the last school years, but was with his best friend that he put his love in words for the first time, directly to whom these were designated. And Yeonjun's confession was the first that Soobin ever received. The first time someone liked him more than a friend, and told to him, beautiful words worthy of a teenage disney movie.
It was together that for the first time they held hands of another person romantically. Together that they found out that girls wasn't that interesting as boys, more specifically each other. Together they had their first kiss, and real kiss. Together that they had their first boyfriend, and together that they made love for the first time.
Even with all the love they both felt for each other, Soobin still was a sensible and insecure boy. He had always been fragile and fearful, like a scared puppy. The couple had a lot of fights because of his scared feelings, and still Yeonjun never leave his side, he still tried to understand him. His love for the younger gives him the biggest patience in the world to chase after him, even when Soobin seemed to runway from him. Yeonjun makes him believe on himself all those times, he makes him comeback.
But it didn't mean was easy. And the problem it wasn't lack of love from Soobin's side, quite the opposite. The younger loved his boyfriend so much that hurt. He felt like he could explode everytime that he sees Yeonjun. Every little detail of the older was loved by him. At his eyes, he was perfect, and maybe that was the problem.
Yeonjun was too perfect for Soobin.
A lot of times he catches himself thinking about what does Yeonjun saw on him. Yeonjun was amazing. He's beautiful, good at sports, smart, funny, popular, had a good sense of fashion, an amazing musical taste, he was wanted from everyone.
And Soobin? Oh, he was just himself. Another someone in school. He was nothing close to Yeonjun.
Sometimes he thinks that the blonde doesn't really knows him, even with the friendship of years. He thinks that if Yeonjun knew Soobin, the true Soobin, he would have never asked him to be his boyfriend, or even felt thoosw feelings. Maybe Yeonjun has a distorced view of Soobin, and that's why he keeps with him. It was easier to think that the older one liked the fake Soobin than the true Soobin, the second didn't have any things to like about.
And also, he was a man.
Yeonjun could've all the girls he wanted, and still he chooses him. Even if Yeonjun insisted that he didn't have interest in girls, Soobin couldn't control the doubtsp on his thoughts. "What if?".
Soobin often felt depressed, and would desapear for a whole day, only staying alone in his room while his thoughts echoed as loud as his own voice, filling up the room with insecuritys. He was stuck with himself while his brain spilled harsh words on him. On the true Soobin, the one he hoped Yeonjun would never know. In theese days, he was able to only breath, even with some difficulty, while thick tears insisted on draining. But only when he felt that nobody could see him, when the fake Soobin was well hidden in its entrails. He couldn't let the broken and fragile part of him have contact with anything that came into contact with Yeonjun. So it was easier to run away. Run far away and hide in the dark, without giving Yeonjun any satisfaction.
And still, Yeonjun wouldn't leave his side.
The younger just didn't understand.
And maybe all the difficulties the true Soobin faced when alone wrapped in the blankets was affecting their relationship. Even that Soobin tried so much, trully, so that nothing, not even a single hair escaped from the closet of his unconscious, where he hid it. His ugly and disgusting side was increasingly bigger, feeding on every "what if" that his little head projected.
With each uncertainty that arose in his thoughts, it was a sliver of the closet — of the prision he had put his ugly feelings — that fell apart. As if it were an aquarium that was continually being filled with water, to its limit, and began to crack and leak when the water no longer had space to occupy. His aquarium with liters and liters of insecurities overflowed incessantly through the cracks, and Soobin could not turn off the tap.
As the days passed, the number of disagreements between the two had increased. Amidst another imbalance of his feelings that lasted for days, Soobin again argued with Yeonjun.
The reason was relatively silly, if seen from the surface.
Yeonjun was about to go out with his friends, people intimidating according to Soobin. The younger felt unconfortable around his boyfriend's friends. Don't take it the wrong way, it wasn't jealousy or something alike, but Yeonjun's friends are the complete opposite of the type of person Soobin is.They are that type of boys who care a little top much about their hair, muscles and girls. Soobin felt judged, hyper conscious of all his body when around them, as if they were mocking his every breath, at every second.
Maybe it was because he had heard once or twice these same boys laughing and making comments about him as he walked through the halls, whispering to each other, loud enough to make sure Soobin heard, how weird he was, how he moved and talked in a weird way, and that the only reason Yeonjun hung out with him was to get his schoolwork done. They were the definition of asshole teenage boys who picked on anyone who didn't see soccer as the best sport in the world or didn't like cheating on pretty girls just to fuck and then hurt them.
Soobin argued with Yeonjun, saying that he didn't like his friends and wouldn't hang out with them, not even for his boyfriend. Yeonjun thought Soobin was throwing some kind of jealous tantrum and he retaliated with the same intensity.
The day after the fight, Soobin ignored Yeonjun. At the end of classes, the dark-haired boy was organizing his material slowly and leaving the classroom almost crawling, afraid of running into his boyfriend around school and having to face him. He almost strolled through the halls, walking as slowly as a sloth.
“Did you see how Yeonjun talked to me?” a shrill, feminine voice echoed in the next room. “Oh, he was such a gentleman! Don’t you think we’re a good match?”
Soobin slowed his steps even more as he listened to the conversation.
“You two are a good match, but haven’t you noticed how he and that tall quiet boy are always stuck together? He’s definitely gay!” another boy in the room joked.
Their relationship was a secret, by the younger boy’s will. He didn’t want to ruin Yeonjun’s reputation. What would people think of him if he showed up at school dating a man? Especially one like him. He didn’t want to mess up his life. He still wanted the silly girls to dream of having a chance with the blond, and for his friends to continue treating him as an equal.
“So what? I could definitely turn him straight! Look at me!” the girl answers between laughs, heavy words that turn Soobin's stomach “I'm much prettier than that boy, and I'm a woman! A real man would obviously choose me! And you didn't even see how he looked at me! He was definitely flirting!”
Soobin felt his blood boil. He was known for being a calm and quiet boy, but everything related to Yeonjun made his feelings surface. He felt everything in excess.
Hearing the girl's words irritated him deeply. He continued on his way to the school exit in a hurry, meeting Yeonjun in the process.
“Soobin! I was looking for you-”
The brunette just continued, as if the other wasn't there.
The next day, he didn't go to school and ignored all of Yeonjun's attempts to get in touch. He spent the day in his dark room staring at the ceiling, with the girl's words and some intrusive thoughts echoing in his head.
In the next morning, his mother forced him to leave his room and go to school, saying that he was missing important classes and couldn't affect his grade by doing stupid things. Walking through the hallways, his ears were bombarded with chatter and gossip from his classmates.
“Did you hear? Yeonjun and the girl from class B are definitely dating!
“Maybe they're not dating, but just hooking up!”
“Did you see them leaving yesterday? She was hugging his arm! Regardless of which one it was, they definitely have something!”
Ah. Soobin was going to explode.
Deep down, he knew that this would happen someday. He even thought he deserved it. But he didn't think it would hurt so much. Obviously, he trusted Yeonjun with his eyes closed. He would never have imagined that his sweet lover would cheat on him, it wasn't like him. He just believed that his boyfriend deserves someone better, and that if Yeonjun eventually left him for that someone, it would be okay. After all, it was for the best.
But obviously, the real thing was much more painful than the theory. He couldn't be happy with the glimpse of Yeonjun having found the someone better that Soobin forced himself to wish for him. The real Soobin wanted to punch the fake Soobin in the nose for all these thoughts of letting Yeonjun go. His ugly side is selfish and wants Yeonjun all to himself.
He feels a little dizzy, with his stomach twisting and his eyes burning. Around him, it seemed like everyone was looking at him as if they knew. They knew the humiliating position he was in of having been left for someone better.
Seriously, how could Yeonjun do this? As soon as he disappeared for a day, the older boy was already looking for girls to replace him. Were all his spontaneous declarations nothing more than lies? Were all the words bathed in love whispered in the comfort of their intertwined bodies empty?
Was he as replaceable as he thought?
Did the blonde want to end things but didn't know how?
Was he only with Soobin out of pity?
At the end of the hallway, through his vision blurred by tears, he could see Yeonjun, his face contorted. He tried to approach the younger boy with quick steps, but the younger boy ran away as fast as he could.
“Soobin!” he shouted as he ran after the boy, bumping into a few people in the process.
The taller boy was breathing with great difficulty, his heart felt like it could come out of his mouth, his ears felt blocked, he was disoriented and his mind projected horrible thoughts to himself.
The last thing Soobin wanted to see right now was his boyfriend's beautiful face, or hear his sweet voice. He ran towards the bathroom and locked himself in a stall. Soobin mentally thanked that the bathroom was empty at the moment, so he could cry out loud without worrying about others hearing and bothering him. The boy leaned against the door, feeling his legs weak. His throat made uncontrollable noises as he tried to breathe, choking in the process, as if he were drowning in his own saliva and phlegm. He clutched his chest with the pain and shortness of breath he felt and pulled his hair. He wanted to hit his head against the wall to try to relieve everything he felt and thought. He wanted to kick everything around him to vent his frustration. He felt wronged.
"Soobin! Honey, are you here?”
A flood of thick tears he had been holding back fell from his eyes. He hated crying away from the comfort of his room, under the covers, in the only place where the real Soobin could come out of his imaginary closet. But when he heard that sweet worried voice, gloved in affection, that he could recognize with his eyes closed, it was as if the closet, which was already fragile and patched up, had been broken open and everything ugly about Soobin had come out all at once.
Soobin lets out a strangled sob.
“Oh, my love, what happened? Let’s talk, darling, let me help you.”
Soobin could faint. From hate, from love, from sadness, from exhaustion. He wouldn’t be able to answer him without sounding extremely pathetic, not that he wasn’t normally like that already. Maybe he really wanted to faint, to get out of this situation as quickly as possible, without having to explain himself.
“Soo, honey, come out of there, please, tell me what made you feel like this, I swear I'll help you solve it.”
Solve it how if everything was already done? And honestly, there was nothing to solve. Yeonjun had cheated on him and that was it. It would be better if he just admitted right away that things weren't the same anymore and went on his way while Soobin still had a thread of control over his ugly side.
“Binnie, talk to me, hm? I'm here. I'll always be here for you.”
Ah.
Hatred now took over every cell in his body.
How could he tell such a blatant lie (according to his own thoughts)?
Soobin wanted to scream at him, curse him so loudly until his lungs emptied.
The younger opened the cabin door with so much force that he could have ripped it off. He was on the verge of going for Yeonjun's neck.
“Get out of my sight! I never want to see you again!” he screamed, while tears still ran down his cheeks and sobs interrupted his speech.
“My love, please talk to me. What made you feel like this?”
“You still ask!? Are you really asking!? Did you think I wouldn't find out? You must think I'm an imbecile, that's all.”
“Please Soo, don't talk about yourself like that. Tell me what happened, I don't understand you.”
The serenity with which the older man spoke was only annoying him even more.
How could he be so calm while Soobin felt like his eyes could pop out of his head from the anger that was pulsing through his veins?
Why did it seem like only Soobin felt too much while Yeonjun seemed so unaffected?
Yeonjun tries to reach the younger but he just slaps the other's hands away.
“Soobin, please, don't treat me like this. Talk to me. What happened?”
“I don't want to talk to you! Didn't you notice? Leave me alone!”
Go over there with your new girlfriend!
He wanted to say that, but he didn't think he had the right.
Yeonjun sighed. He was extremely patient with his boyfriend, but Soobin seemed to be testing him at the moment.
“Soobin, seriously, let's talk. I don't know what I did, I don't understand you. Talk.”
“I don't want to! I don't want to! I don't want to! Get out of here!” he pushes the older man while sobbing and crying, stumbling a little over his words, as if he was tired of all this. And he really was. It was too much.
“Soobin, damn it, I swear I'm trying to solve whatever your problem is, I'm really trying, but it seems like you're the one who doesn't want to solve it! Why do you always make everything so difficult?” the last sentence was said without thinking, Yeonjun was already getting irritated with the whole situation.
“I make everything difficult? So I'm a problem for you, is that it?”
“No, Soobin, it's not that, it's just that-” Yeonjun was interrupted by the younger.
“What else are you going to say now? That our relationship is just a problem for you?”
“Soobin-”
“Why the fuck are you dating me then?! Do you feel sorry, is that it? I don't need your pity.”
“Holy shit Soobin, are you serious? Stop talking shit.”
“Break up with me right now, damn it! You didn't have to cheat on me the first chance you got when I wasn't around! You just had to break up with me!”
Those words were like Yeonjun's heart was shattering into a million pieces. That whole argument was hurting deeply in his chest.
How could the younger think that Yeonjun saw him that way? Why did he think all that about the older one, while Yeonjun just wanted to make Soobin happy?
“Break up? Cheat on you? What the hell are you talking about?” The shorter one spoke almost in a whisper.
“Did you really think I wouldn't find out? The girl from class B, who all the boys are drooling over! I've heard her talking about you before, about how you flirted with her, and today the only topic of conversation in the hallways was how you two walked home together making out yesterday!”
What? What was Soobin talking about? Flirting? Making out?
Ah.
“Soo, let me explain.”
“No need, I already imagined this would happen. She's much prettier than me, she's a woman, all the boys would die for a chance with her, you couldn't help it. I shouldn't even be feeling this way, sorry. I just messed up every opportunity you had to be with some girl here at school, they're all crazy about you.” Soobin spoke faster than his thoughts, just vomiting everything that the self-deprecating voice inside his own head said “Anyway, it would be better if you could have a normal relationship with someone better, you deserve the best and I-”
“Damn it Soobin, shut up! What the hell are you talking about? Don’t you think, dammit?”
Yeonjun interrupted him. He was pissed. He yelled so angrily that it scared the younger boy.
But how could he not scream while listening to the boy he loved talking as if Yeonjun was with him out of pity and would easily discard him?
Hearing his beloved belittling himself like that made his eyes burn. All those words were like knives in the older boy’s chest. He was sad, hurt, but above all, he was angry.
“What are you talking all that shit for? It seems like you’re asking me to break up with you, damn it! I love you!”
“Do you love me?! Do you really love me, Yeonjun?! Because it doesn’t seem like it!”
“Holy shit, why are you acting like this?!”
“Why, Yeonjun? Why?! You still ask!”
“Of course, damn it! You just don't talk to me properly, you just disappear out of nowhere from my life and reappear days later, and you still come and talk a bunch of shit to me as if you had the right to do that! And it's not the first time! Do you know how I feel about this? I bet you don't, because you only think about yourself!”
Soobin cringed as the older one yelled at him. It was all true. Every word that was said was true.
The taller one was still crying — he hadn't stopped at any point — he couldn't control it. And the way Yeonjun was looking didn't help. It was the first time he saw the older one this mad, especially about him.
Maybe Soobin's thoughts were right.
Yeonjun was tired of him.
The older one sighed loudly, running his hand through his blond hair as he tried to compose himself.
“It's hard to deal with you, you know…”
Ah. It was true.
The words were just another stimulus for Soobin to explode again.
“Then break up with me already! Just end it all!”
“I'm sorry, let's talk later, when you're calmer.” Yeonjun said tiredly, his shoulders almost hunched.
“I don't want to talk.”
“But we'll go, we'll solve it.”
“I don't want to solve it.”
It was a lie.
Deep down, Soobin just wanted Yeonjun to comfort him, to tell him that everything he thought was a lie, that everything he heard was a lie.
It was selfish of him to want Yeonjun to keep giving in to Soobin whenever he freaked out.
And Soobin knew it.
But he wanted so badly for Yeonjun to love him as much as he did. The older man was everything to Soobin, and he wanted to be the same for him. He wanted so badly for Yeonjun to keep fighting, and fighting, and fighting until all of Soobin's insecurities were destroyed. He wanted him to tape the cracks in his aquarium, turn off the incessant faucet and help him empty it little by little.
He wanted Yeonjun to help him, even though he didn't want to help himself.
"That's it then." Yeonjun said, breaking the silence that Soobin hadn't noticed had settled in while he was lost in his selfish thoughts again.
Yeonjun spoke as if he had been defeated.
He had given up on trying to keep something that couldn't happen without both sides wanting it. In the end, maybe he was fighting alone. It was a losing battle.
Yeonjun sighs and no longer looks into Soobin's eyes. He keeps his gaze fixed on the floor.
And Soobin doesn't say anything. He is in complete shock. Yeonjun had finally given up. The younger had demanded so much from him until there was nothing left to give.
He had ruined everything.
After a few minutes, just in silence, the older leaves the bathroom, without saying a single word, leaving Soobin with his heart broken behind.
What Soobin didn't expect was that, as soon as the bell indicating the end of classes rang, Yeonjun would appear at the door of his classroom, immediately passing by and grabbing his arm, dragging him out, without even waiting for the younger to collect all his materials, with some things left behind.
“Yeonjun, wait! My pens-”
“I'll buy you more. As many as you want.”
The older man held Soobin's wrist tightly as he practically dragged him through the school hallways to the exit. His fast pace continued regardless of the dark-haired boy's protests. Yeonjun was going to settle matters with the younger man, whether he wanted to or not.
“Yeonjun! Let go of me!”
“No.”
“Let go of me! I want to go home!” Soobin continued to complain to his boyfriend, still pulling him through the streets. Yeonjun only increased his speed, stomping his feet firmly on the ground with some anger.
The pace at which they walked – practically running – made Soobin start to stumble every now and then.
“Yeonjun, you're hurting me! Let go of me!”
As if he was taken out of a trance, Yeonjun stopped abruptly when he heard what the younger man said. He was angry, and couldn't think straight.
“I'm sorry…” he says with a sigh, loosening his grip on Soobin's wrist, walking again, calmly now.
The blond's expression suddenly changes, as if he hadn't been almost violently dragging his boyfriend through the streets, his eyebrows furrowed in anger. Now he's walking slowly, hunched over, with his face directed toward his feet, looking wilted. Soobin feels his heart tighten at the scene, and stops resisting whatever his boyfriend is doing.
After a 15-minute walk, silent and tense, the two finally arrive at Yeonjun's house. His mother works late at night, so when they enter the room, it's dark and silent, with only a soft light coming from the windows. They both stand still in the room, Soobin in front of the closed front door and Yeonjun in the center of the small room, avoiding looking at each other for long minutes, which seemed like hours to the brunette.
Soobin doesn't want to face the result of his actions. He freaked out in front of his boyfriend, the last thing he wanted to happen. He had tried so hard, really tried so hard, so that Yeonjun wouldn't have to witness any sadness in their relationship, and now that Soobin's ugly feelings were practically vomited into Yeonjun's lap, he was ashamed. He wanted to disappear, pretend he never even knew the older man. Maybe he could change schools, change cities, or states, even countries. He felt shame eating away at his gut, his most primitive instincts warning him as if he were in danger, screaming for him to hide from everyone.
The room was so silent that Soobin could only hear his heartbeat racing, he felt every drop of his blood pulsing through his large body. He was leaning against the door, he felt that if he tried to stand without support, he would collapse like a house of cards with the slightest breath. Yeonjun was in front of him, with his back to him. Maybe it was the perfect cue for Soobin, in a rush of adrenaline, to run out the door and run until he felt safe, or until his body simply gave up from exhaustion. He cautiously places his hand on the doorknob. It would be easy, he just had to quickly open the door and leave. Easy. Yes, easy.
“Soobin.”
The owner of the name freezes. His hand firmly gripping the doorknob. The simple sound of the older man's melodious voice made all his muscles stiffen in place. Maybe it wouldn't be that easy.
The almost deafening silence settles in again. The brunette felt like he was about to beg Yeonjun to keep talking, at the same time he wanted him to not say anything and let him run away. The older man slowly turns and looks at Soobin's face. The lighting in the room didn't help, the younger man couldn't see any expression on Yeonjun's face, which scared him. He fixes his gaze on the floor, afraid of whatever his face is showing.
“Soobin, let's talk.”
Soobin just wanted to leave.
“Soobin.” The older man approaches slowly, as if Soobin were a scared kitten and any sudden movement would make him run away.
Soobin pretends not to hear, again. Maybe if he ignored him, Yeonjun would get tired of talking to himself and let him go.
“Honey... please…” Yeonjun finds himself inches away from Soobin.
He bites his lips, refusing to answer him, directing his gaze away from Yeonjun's eyes, which stared at him, as if any corner of the room was more interesting than his boyfriend's face.
Yeonjun cups the younger man's cheeks with his hands and brings their foreheads together. The brunette squeezes his eyes with the action, he felt weak and tired, but refused to talk to the other.
“It's all a lie, love, everything you heard.” the older whispered sweetly “I would never cheat on you, from the bottom of my heart, you are everything to me.”
Soobin squeezed his eyes so tightly that he began to see fireworks on his eyelids. He let out a sigh, which he didn't even know he was holding, when he felt Yeonjun's voice so close to his face. His body was tense. Still, he refused to answer him, he remained still, with his left hand holding the doorknob firmly, not to open it, but to stabilize himself. He felt like his body would fall apart with the slightest touch from the blond. His other hand was glued to his side, closed in a fist, pressing his nails tightly into his palm.
Yeonjun slowly rubbed his nose against the younger's, then ran the tip over his chubby, soft cheeks, in a caress. He caressed the brunette's face with his own face.
Soobin caught his breath again.
“Yesterday, she asked to go out with me.”
Soobin's stomach churns and he lets out a shaky sigh.
“Do you know what I said?”
Soobin remains rigid as a statue, without moving an inch, while Yeonjun whispers, continuing to caress his face.
“I said I was in a relationship with the most beautiful, perfect, sweet, kind, intelligent, funny and cute person I know. A very handsome boy.”
Soobin feels a violent shiver down his spine, his cheeks turning red. Yeonjun loves how easily Soobin blushes thanks to his white skin.
“I love you so much.” Yeonjun finishes, putting their foreheads together again, staring at the younger's face.
Soobin's eyelids remain wrinkled with how hard he squeezes them to keep them closed. He takes a deep breath.
A thick silence settles in the room, the last words he uttered being ignored in the air, forgotten.
Obviously Soobin had heard them perfectly well, and they had had an effect on him. But he firmly refused to react. He didn't understand why he wanted to continue with this tantrum. He simply couldn't respond and move without feeling pathetic. Embarrassment prevented him from taking any action.
Yeonjun starts to leave soft kisses on Soobin's face. On his nose, forehead, temples, cheeks, chin, jaw. He kisses down the older man's neck, now with his mouth open, to the junction between his shoulders, and rests his forehead there.
“Honey, please talk to me.”
The brunette felt the older man's trembling hands gripping his shoulders tightly, his voice sounding choked.
“Binnie…” he mumbled.
Silence.
Yeonjun raises his head and loosens his grip on the younger man. It's over, finally. That's what Soobin thought.
“Soobin, answer me, please, talk to me, please honey…” Yeonjun trembled as he brought his hands to the other's cheeks again, his voice broken.
Soobin could hear the pain in his voice.
He opened his eyes wide to see Yeonjun with his eyebrows furrowed, all the muscles in his face contorted, his eyes filled with unshed tears.
"I'm sorry, okay, I'm sorry, I love you so, so much, I don't know what to do to make you believe me." The blond said almost desperately, holding back the tears.
Soobin couldn't continue with the cruel silent treatment like that. He never wanted to hurt the person he loved most in the world. How did it get to that point? Yeonjun had never been in that state in front of Soobin. He looked so sad and it was all his fault.
The brunette hugged him tightly, burying his face between the older man's neck and shoulder, inhaling the scent of his cologne mixed with the natural aroma of his skin. He was shaking and breathing irregularly. He still wanted to run away.
Yeonjun runs one hand through his hair and the other down his back, moving back and forth to comfort him and murmuring affirmations that everything was fine, which should have been the other way around. Soobin was the one who made him almost cry, so he should have been the one comforting his boyfriend and apologizing. But he didn't even realize that he was sobbing and saying broken and loud apologies. The older man rocked him in his arms while Soobin cried and sniffled into his chest, reassuring him.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Yeonjun!" he said between desperate sobs, holding on to the older man tighter and tighter.
"I know, Binnie, I'm the one who should apologize, my love. It's okay."
The calm and tenderness with which the older man spoke burned Soobin's skin, it hurt.
He doesn't deserve it.
"No! It's not okay! I'm sorry, please! I, I-”
“Honey, please breathe. Calm down and let's talk, okay? I already told you it's okay, I forgive you.”
It was a lie. Yeonjun was lying. He wanted to leave Soobin, he didn't love him anymore, not after all his attitude in the last few days, not after the peak of his paranoia - at least that's what they told him.
“I, I can't! I” he cried more desperately “I need you!”
“Soo, I'm here, now I need you to calm down, okay? I'm not going anywhere, I just need you to breathe, can you try?”
Soobin nods in response. He didn't want to upset his boyfriend even more. The brunette breathes slowly, just like the boy in front of him indicated, until he regulates his breathing and stops shedding tears.
“That's it, my love, can you talk to me now?”
No, I can't.
That's what he wanted to say. But really, he didn't want to make things any harder, he knew there was no point in acting like a brat now.
Soobin had to face this. Break the barrier between his desired scenario and the real scenario. His feelings could no longer be ignored.
If not for himself, then for Yeonjun. He deserves to understand, even if the brunette doesn't understand himself.
"I don't want to lose you," he begins, very quietly.
“What makes you think that?”
“I- I don't think…” oh my god, saying that out loud was embarrassing” I don't think I'm good enough... for you.”
A silence falls, while Yeonjun's face contorted in pain again. Soobin despairs slightly.
“But! But I still want... to be your boyfriend, it's just that I thought... I think that maybe you might find someone better, you know?” the brunette starts talking quickly, trying to give some reason for that bad feeling that was no longer a secret “I think you're amazing, Yeonjun. I just don't understand why you want someone like me, when you could have literally any girl in that school.”
“I already told you that I don't like girls.” he answers somewhat harshly.
“I know, it's just-”
“I like you, Soobin.”
Soobin feels an aggressive shiver run through his entire body at the words.
“I like you too, Yeonjun.”
“I don't understand, really.” the older man sighs.
The brunette shivers again, but in a bad way, as if he was about to get a bucket of ice water.
“If I like you, and you like me, why don't you just accept it? I already told you that I don't want anyone else, much less a girl. I always try to show you that I love you, don't you feel that?” Yeonjun was serious with him, which scared him.
“I do! Of course I do, it's just that... I don't deserve it.”
“What do you mean you don't deserve it? Can't you see how perfect you are? Even with your flaws, you manage to be so... You. Kind. I don't know how anyone can know you and not love you. You're so sweet and worthy of all love, darling…”
Soobin couldn't hear those words, he was embarrassed.
“Yeonjun…” his cheeks burned with the beautiful words directed at him.
“Really, you're so sweet. Everything about you is so kind. The way you treat anyone with the greatest generosity I've ever seen, so patiently. The way you don't hold grudges inside you, believing that people can change. You're so kind to others, I don't understand why you don't leave a little kindness for yourself.”
“Yeonjun, please-”
“And it's not just about you with others, but you by yourself. Every detail of you is so cute. The way your eyes close and your dimples appear when you laugh, with that beautiful, cute dolphin-like laugh.” the older man lets out a nasal laugh as the scene flashes momentarily in his memory “Or when you get excited about something, and you jump for joy like a bunny. When you get sulky and make the cutest, most kissable pout I've ever seen. When I always make you take a little bit of my chocolate ice cream when we go to my favorite ice cream shop just to please me, and you make such a cute face that it makes me want to bite your nose.”
“Yeonjun, oh my God! I'm going to die of embarrassment.”
Soobin blushed intensely, while the older man laughed at his reaction.
“I love that too! How easily you get embarrassed, and you turn all red, looking like a strawberry! It makes me want to kiss your whole face!” the older man almost throws himself at his boyfriend to squeeze his round pink cheeks together, forcing a pout to form on his face.
“Yeonjun!”
The two laughed, the air now a little lighter. The blond was a professional at this, lightening up situations. Even though he knew the importance of the conversation, he didn't want Soobin to feel uncomfortable. He always made it clear how the brunette's well-being was his priority. Soobin found it charming.
“You're so amazing, Soobin, as amazing as you say I am. I still think you're so much more than me. I could name a million more reasons to love you, and there would still be many more. Every day I fall in love with you all over again.” he finishes with a slow kiss on his boyfriend's lips.
“I love you, Yeonjun.”
“I love you, Binnie.” he finishes by rubbing his nose against the younger's, returning to the caresses on his cheeks, which soon became small kisses.
The older one distributes kisses again all over his boyfriend's face, until he goes down to his neck and starts giving it light kitten licks. He loves kissing the taller one, touching his mouth to every inch of the other's skin. Soobin gasped shyly in reaction to the touches. The cute licks increased into bites, and the gasps into soft noises.
His neck was sensitive, and soon the brunette would be a shy, crying mess with only small hickeys and teasing. Yeonjun dragged his mouth over the white skin delicately, alternating between his teeth and tongue, only to catch his boyfriend by surprise with a strong bite, not enough to hurt him but that would certainly leave a mark.
His hands went up and down the taller one's waist, occasionally giving light squeezes to the thin circumference only to hear Soobin almost choke on the sensation.
He could already feel his body soft, large and heavy, with the older one's touches, sighing heavily trying to control the sensations and sounds that threatened to come out of his throat. His cheeks burned with the shyness of being so vulnerable, but he liked the feeling.
Soon Yeonjun's hands moved inside his boyfriend's shirt, dragging his fingers over the warm skin, causing goosebumps, until they went up his chest. He wrapped his thumbs around the already hardened pink nipples, the younger arched his back with the scraping of skin against skin. The blond knew that the blush on Soobin's cheeks was going down and coloring the region. Yeonjun wanted to see
.
"Up.” He didn't need to say much for Soobin to understand and comply with the request, raising both arms.
With a speed that reflected anxiety, the shorter one pulled the fabric over the other's head, leaving his hair in a cute mess in the process. He stroked the strands and placed a long kiss on the top of the head of the boy in front of him, causing him to giggle.
Soobin felt shame pulsing through his veins, even though it wasn't the first – or last – time the older boy had seen his bare torso, he couldn't control the embarrassment of being watched closely. Yeonjun had taken a step back and was blatantly staring at the older boy's bare skin. He raised his arms to his torso and hugged himself, trying to cover himself.
“Let me see you, darling.” The younger boy approached, placing his hands gently on his arms “You're so beautiful, you know that?”
Soobin had to control an embarrassing moan.
“Close your eyes.”
The brunette, even though confused, obeys. Thousands of seconds later, he feels a pair of strong arms lifting him off the ground, one under his knees and the other on his back.
Soobin would be lying if he said that his boyfriend's strength didn't give him butterflies in his stomach. It was exciting how, even though he was smaller, he was able to lift him with extreme ease. His arms with predominant muscles stood out next to Soobin's, which were thin — Yeonjun said they were cute. Even though the brunette was tall, his boyfriend's physique made him seem smaller next to him, with his broad shoulders and strong back. The time Yeonjun dedicated to sports really brought results — which drove Soobin crazy.
The blond carried him to his room, and laid the boy in his arms on the bed with a delicacy that did not match the haste present in his later actions, and fit himself between the bigger boy's legs. He runs his small hands over his boyfriend's abdomen in a teasing slowness, sending shivers through his body.
"Yeonjun..." he whispers with some impatience, the light dragging of his fingers on his torso feeling like torture.
The other hums in response, not really expecting him to say anything, starting to kiss, bite and lick his torso. He loved his boyfriend's body, his thin waist that fit perfectly in his hands, his thin breasts, his flat and soft belly, the mark of the bones in his hips, the predominant ribs when he arched his back. His cock hardened just thinking about coloring the soft paleness with shades of red and purple.
As he continued to caress his body, at the same time he simulated slow thrusts over his clothes. With each brush of their hips, both of them breathed more desperately. Soobin now kept his hands on his boyfriend's blond locks, pulling them, following the movements of his head. His hands run to the hem of the younger's sweatpants, pulling his face away slightly to look at the other in a silent request for permission, who nods eagerly.
The blond wastes no time and pulls the last two pieces of clothing on his slender body at once. Soobin sighs at the contact of his hard, wet member with the cold air.
Yeonjun pulls away more suddenly, sitting on his feet, staring at the taller's entire body. His face was in a beautiful mix of pleasured and embarrassed expressions. The black strands messed up on the pillow, drawing a halo above, with some stuck to his forehead from the sweat, his gaze cloudy and darker, his eyelids slightly closed, his mouth half-open, panting, his chest delicately arched rising and falling with each gasp, his arms falling beside his head. His legs were even wider open, as if inviting the older man, his body moved unconsciously in search of more contact, his rigid member was lying on his belly, colored in an angry red color. He could cum just by seeing the boy he loved writhing beneath him.
Soobin puts his hands on the other's hips, turning his face to the side as if trying to hide it in the pillow.
“Jjunie…”
“Hm?” he brought his hands to his knees beside him, moving them down in provocative caresses to his thighs, then back up.
Soobin pulls him anxiously.
“Take off your shirt, please…” he murmurs.
Only Soobin was completely naked, while the other hadn't removed a single piece of clothing. He felt exposed, like a defenseless prey, with an almost exciting shame pulsing through his body. The blond quickly pulls the fabric over his head, exposing his slightly more tanned skin with defined muscles. He continues to hover the older man in the same position as before, running his eyes over every inch of exposed skin for too long.
“Stop looking... do something…” he complains slyly.
Who was Yeonjun to deny anything to the beautiful boy lying on his bed?
He starts a hasty kiss bathed in passion. Lips and tongues danced in a passionate rhythm. The taste of their mixed saliva was almost sweet to his taste buds with all the love present in the gesture.
His hands separate — almost with difficulty — from the older man's body to reach the dresser drawer next to the bed, his hand rummaging through the things inside. He pulls away again, the sound of the lubricant bottle's cap revealing that he had found what he was looking for.
He squirts an exaggerated amount and warms the liquid with his palms. His hand goes to the rigid member in front of him, working it in provocative back and forth movements, getting the brunette used to the touches that were to come.
After a few caresses, his free hand goes up to Soobin's thigh, pushing it towards his chest, and the one he was working on goes down to his entrance, circling his middle finger in the region.
"Can I?" Yeonjun directs his attentive gaze to his boyfriend's face, asking permission to touch him.
“Please…”
He leaves a quick kiss on the brunette's lips and turns his attention to the finger circling the pink hole, slowly inserting it. The hot walls are quick to tremble with the intrusion, while his thighs impossibly open wider.
Soon, his index finger joins to help the stretching, alternating between back and forth and scissor movements.
Soobin could only squirm and breathe heavily. Even though the sensation was good, he felt it was not enough. He needed more.
“Jjunie…”
“So impatient.”Yeonjun says almost purring “Just a little more, dear, so I don't hurt you, okay?”
The brunette responds with a dissatisfied grunt, generating a nasal laugh from the other.
His fingers continued working, with the addition of a third, for what seemed like an eternity until the older one deemed it enough. Carefully, he removes his hand from the older man's entrance, eliciting a sigh of "finally" from him, and wipes the shiny layer of lubricant on his fingers on his own pants, which soon hit the floor along with his underwear.
No more fabric prevented the contact between the two bodies.
Yeonjun stretches again towards the dresser, but is stopped by Soobin, who had already understood what the smaller man was looking for.
“I want... without.”
The blond felt his throbbing cock twitch at the implication brought by the words. But he would not let himself be carried away by lust.
“Are you... sure, honey?” he searches for confirmation with some uncertainty “Won't it be bad later?”
“Jjunie, please... “ the brunette complains, pulling him closer “I want to feel you.”
Yeonjun moans loudly and advances on his boyfriend, taking his pink, heart-shaped lips with his own. He felt like Soobin was testing his self-control, his cock was going to explode.
During the kiss, he gropes the sheets for the lost bottle of lubricant. When he finds it, he pulls away from his boyfriend to squirt another considerable amount of the thick liquid and rub his rigid member.
He places the tip against the throbbing, wet entrance, presses it, threatening to enter, and then pulls away. The blond gently taps his member on the hole, rubs it slowly, and presses it again, pretending to enter, only to pull back.
Yeonjun is a natural born tease and Soobin wants to strangle him at those moments.
“Yeonjun!” he huffs irritably.
“Yes, my love?” the blond asks with false innocence, directing his gaze to the boy lying down, but not stopping the teasing.
“Yeonjun, please.”
“Please, what, darling?”
“Jjunie!” he complains slowly, his body writhing in search of friction.
“What do you want?” he jokes, smiling.
“You know.”
“Hmm, I don’t think so. If you don’t tell me, there’s no way I can know.”
Soobin groans eagerly, irritated.
“Yeonjunnie…” he writhed slyly.
“Honey, you're so cute that I can't even really tease you.” he kissed his boyfriend several times. “I can't take it, I want to give you everything you ask for,” he got closer to whisper in his ear” and much more, the whole world.
Soobin let out such a greedy moan that Yeonjun could swear he had come just from his words. He was so sensitive to compliments and declarations.
And the blond was so sensitive to any sound coming from the taller.
Feeling desperate just like the other, Yeonjun didn't wait another second to start putting himself in the brunette's tight entrance. He moved delicately, as if Soobin were the most expensive and delicate porcelain in existence.
With his balls close to the bigger boy's skin, the blond let out a satisfied moan along with the brunette, who writhed and grabbed his boyfriend's shoulders for support.
The feeling of being fulfilled was always overwhelming. He felt so cared for and loved, it was too much.
“Are you okay, love?” Yeonjun asked when he saw the tense expression on the other’s face.
“Ah- Yes, yes,” he was breathing hard, he could feel Yeonjun’s cock in his throat, “just- can you wait a second, please?”
“Of course, honey.” he replied with a loving smile growing on his face.
To distract Soobin from the momentary discomfort, the older man traced his hands up and down the other’s waist, while carefully leaning in to kiss him.
The kiss was sweet, like all the others. The brunette had soft, full, delicate lips. Their mouths fit together as if they were made for each other, their tongues moving in a caress. Yeonjun always kissed him as if he could convey all his love in the act.
He loved him so much.
“You... can move, please.” – the tallest one mutters breathlessly.
“Let me know if it starts to hurt, okay?”
Yeonjun starts moving only after another confirmation from the younger, with short thrusts to test the waters. With a movement of Soobin's hips, Yeonjun understands that he could speed up the movements.
The boy lying on the sheets tried to contain his reactions to the stimuli, biting his lips and uselessly covering his mouth trying to muffle any noise.
“Ah, even all open like that for me you're always so shy, Soobinnie…” Yeonjun thrust precisely trying to get some reaction from the younger “You know I love the sounds you make, right? Always so cute... Ah, I love your moans, my love, moan for me, okay? Please.”
His hips accelerated, making it impossible for Soobin to remain still. The noises that escaped his lips managed to make the blond's member impossibly harder.
“So beautiful, my love, you're so beautiful.”
Soobin was just a crying mess on the mattress, moaning softly with each thrust, which served as an incentive for the older man to invest harder and harder.
“Does it… feel good? Hmm?"” the blond asks with some difficulty due to the growing pleasure.
“Ah- Yeonjunnie!" Soobin moans slowly, arching his back even more, grabbing his boyfriend's shoulders with difficulty to steady himself, he felt his brain melting along with his body, his tongue was heavy in his mouth with the intense pleasure.
"Hmm? Talk to me, honey."
"J-junnie! Ha! I-" all the sensations in his body were so good, he felt so good, that his brain couldn't keep up. All he could do was moan while he tried, without results, to answer the older man.
"Do you feel good? Hmm? Soobinnie..." he panted, albeit provocatively, the sweat sticking the blond strands to his forehead contrasting with the naughty smile on his face. “Tell hyung how good he makes you feel.” as he said the last word, Yeonjun accelerated his hip movements, thrusting almost impossibly harder.
“Ah! Y-yes!” Soobin sobbed, almost choking “Yes, it feels so good, I-I love it! I love you! Love you, love you, l-love you!” he repeated as if it were a mantra.
The sounds increased, his eyes closed tightly at the warm bundle present in his lower belly. He began to desperately grab the boy above him.
“Yeonjun! Yeonjun! Oh my God, Jjunie, I'm going! I'm going to cum!”
“Me too, Soobinnie, please, please!”
The brunette let out cries of “I love you” and sobs of relief as his orgasm hit him hard. Seconds later, the older man also reaches his peak with the vibrations around his member, they float together on the waves of loving pleasure with their bodies intertwined for minutes.
“Jun…” the younger man sighs.
The other man lifts his head from the space between Soobin's shoulder and neck where it rested, looking directly into his eyes.
“Thank you.” he continues.
“For what?”
xFor listening to me, understanding me... for loving me.” Soobin looked at him with his doe eyes with a shine that perhaps came from new tears.
Yeonjun returns the look with a comforting smile, then leans in to take his boyfriend's small, plump lips in a passionate kiss, without malice, just showing a fraction of the love between them.
“I love you, so much.”
“I love you too, dear. Please, I don't want you thinking those things about yourself anymore.” the blond straightens up, becoming serious again, but still looking at his boyfriend tenderly “I imagine how difficult it must be for you to change that from one day to the next, but I want to help you. I want you to start seeing yourself as you really are. I'm sorry I never did anything before, I just didn't imagine you would be so affected, you know. I honestly didn't know what to do. But now, please talk to me, whenever you feel bad, whenever something bothers you, I'll always try my best to make you better, okay?” he finishes by extending a hand to the older boy's face, starting to caress his cheek.
Soobin could only nod slowly, feeling that if he tried to say something, tears would run down his face, but not of sadness, but of happiness.
He felt relieved. Finally his worries were free and ceased, the pressure felt in his chest was gone.
Free. He felt free.
It doesn't mean that everything had been resolved, on the contrary. There were still many issues to resolve, many conversations to happen. But now, he could deal with it, he could patch up his large aquarium with small pieces of tape, empty it little by little, until the leak finally stopped, and the wet traces dried. Soobin allowed himself to ask for help, knew how to recognize that he couldn't clean up his mess alone. He wasn't alone anymore—he never had been, but now he knew. And he could let his imperfections show, since they made him Soobin, the real Soobin, the one Yeonjun fell in love with again and again every day.