Archive of Our Own ^beta

^~^~^~^ Tommy ^~^~^~^

Watching the sky fly by as his social worker drove, Tommy laid his head against the window.

He didn’t want to go to another stupid foster home. All he wanted was to grow up and get a job.

For a while, he was hopeful. The first house he went to was good. But he wasn’t what they wanted.

Tommy couldn’t focus or be obedient. He wasn’t good at many things and he didn’t want to socialize much.

The parents were nice, they were nothing like his dad. His dad used to yell at him. Eventually, one day he drank so much, he dropped dead.

Tommy didn’t cry, he didn’t even blink. His mom had left when he was little. She was kind but she didn’t love his dad anymore. And he was too much like the man he swore not to become.

The windows were fogged up from the cooler air. It was around early fall but the autumn weather came sooner this year.

Tommy liked the cold. It made him feel detached. He didn’t want to be in reality sometimes. So, he’d zone out for the sake of escaping this living nightmare.

Tommy exhaled heavily and fidgeted with his fingers. His nails were short because he was always chewing on them nervously.

Tommy played it off as being bored. The neighborhoods flew past. He leaned his head against the cold glass. It felt nice.

The car ride was over very fast. They reached the house. It was larger. ‘Great, a bunch of rich pricks.’ He thought to himself.

Sure, Niki said not to judge anyone by first glance. Tommy didn’t care much anymore. Everything felt too taxing for him to try.

Soon, they were up at the front door and Niki was giving him that stupid reassuring smile. She always did that and every time he had walked away with her.

No one had ever actually hit him. That was all the positivity he could muster up. Other people had it worse anyways.

He watched Niki knock on the door loudly. She was more excited about this than him. Tommy watched the door open and saw a teen that looked a couple years older than him.

He had pink hair and glasses. ‘Why the fuck I am here?’ He wondered staring at the other boy.

Then, another man showed up. Blonde hair, green bucket hat, and blue eyes. Tommy looked over at Niki. “Hello, sir. You must be Phil. This is Tommy.” She gave shook his hand.

The man who Tommy assumed was Phil, grinned and invited them inside. The house was very clean but also colorful.

Tommy took in every detail. There were photos on the walls of Phil and the other teen.

“This is the house, and that’s my son Technoblade.” Phil motioned to the pink haired teen. Tommy raised an eyebrow at the name.

He stayed quiet, most people appreciated it. Technoblade then spoke up. “Just call me Techno.”

Niki nodded and shot Tommy a glance. “Alright, well I have Tommy’s file for you then I’ll head out!” She pulled out that horrible little light orange colored folder. He hated it. All those papers just told everyone how fucked up he was.

After a couple years in foster care he got the title of a flight risk. Tommy didn’t like running but sometimes he got scared and then his feet just moved. At some point he stopped.

Of course, that wasn’t all that was wrong with him. He had gotten into fights at school before.

Most parents blamed it on him grieving but Tommy didn’t give a shit about grief. He didn’t miss that bastard. He didn’t. Tommy moved on a long time ago.

Phil took the file and set it on the table. He looked over to Techno who turned to Tommy. “I’ll give you a house tour.”

Tommy felt his throat close up. ‘Say something. Please say something.’ He swallowed harshly and blurted out a question. “Uhm.. what are the rules?”

Tommy internally cringed at how scared he sounded. ‘Nice going, idiot.’ He shrunk back a bit at the thought.

Phil smiled gently. “We can wait for Niki to leave before that.” Tommy just stood up straighter and gave a sharp nod. The house felt too big.

Techno led him around showing him all the rooms. “That’s the bathroom, my room, dad’s room, and yours.” He eyed the decently sized room.

The blankets were blueish colored, he had a desk, and a lamp. It was a dim light and wasn’t overwhelming.

Tommy followed Techno around for the rest of the tour which was just downstairs. He felt like a lost puppy. ‘You don’t belong here.’ The thought rang throughout his head.

He curled in on himself a bit. ‘Don’t take up too much space. You’re wasting enough.’

They made it back to the kitchen. Niki was just about to leave. Tommy assumed they had talked about his file. ‘Damn excuses to make me distracted.’

He sighed. She did this for his own good he supposed. Didn’t make things feel better. He was going to miss her. Niki was the only one who actually listened to him.

Tommy was silenced by everyone else. Told to quiet down and listen. Tommy wasn’t good at that.

He wanted to be excited about things and not constantly zone out because he was anxious. So, when he did speak up loudly he was happy. But people didn’t like that.

Tommy became quiet. He became a nobody. Tommy wouldn’t be a burden. He’d try to be good for Niki.

The look on her face after he had to walk away from another house was enough for him to try. Tommy would try not to be a problem for once.

Niki waved at him. “Bye, Tommy. Be good. I’ll see you in a week!” He smiled a bit and waved back. “Bye, Niki!” He shouted a bit loudly. ‘Why am I so annoying?’

Tommy watched her leave and felt his smile fade. He turned back to Phil and Techno. They both were staring at him. ‘What did I do? Why are they looking at me like that?’

Phil promptly stated. “We’re gonna go over rules now, if that’s okay.” Tommy just blinked and forced himself to answer. “Okay.” It started with basics like don’t be a jerk and shit. Try not screw up. Blah blah blah.

If he was being honest, he hadn’t been paying any attention. “Lastly, tell us if you need or want anything.” Tommy perked up.

‘What? They don’t care. They won’t. It’s a trick.’ He realized. Immediately, he drooped like a wilting flower and shook his head agreeing.

No way he’d say anything. Phil looked over at Techno and lightly joked. “Same for you.” Techno smirked a bit and Tommy thought he might cry.

‘They seem so happy. They don’t need me to screw that up.’ Phil laughed at the rebuttal Techno gave. “I practically make the rules here.”

Tommy just shrank back into his chair waiting for somebody to tell him what to do with himself.

Techno seemed to notice. “You can go upstairs if you’d like.” Tommy studied his expression. The way his glasses were tilted down and his eye brows creased. He seemed a bit tired and possibly annoyed.

‘I annoyed him. I messed up. I need to leave’ Tommy just quickly stood up wincing at the screech his chair made. “Sure. Yeah- I’m gonna go do that!”

He awkwardly turned around and rushed off upstairs. Shutting the door behind him, Tommy leaned against it, sinking to the floor.

He had a small crappy off brand iPod and some earbuds that were fraying. It was fine, they still worked.

Music played through his ears and he sighed. ‘Calm down. It’s only been an hour.’ He shivered a bit and watched the sun start to set out the window across from him.

Eventually, he heard footsteps. They were lighter but firm. ‘That’s Techno.’ Tommy confirmed. Phil’s walk was too confident. He exhaled.

There was a knock on the door. He opened it hesitantly. Staring at the other teen, Tommy internally smiled a bit. He was right.

Techno muttered. “Dinner’s ready.” Tommy’s shoulders slumped. He didn’t feel like eating. But he responded anyway.

“Okay- thanks-I uh- thank you.” Tommy sputtered a bit. ‘Fucking worthless.’ He grimaced shoving that thought away.

Techno narrowed his eyes and walked away. Tommy took his earbuds out. He followed after him.

He fiddled with his hands wiping the sweat off them. He slowly lumbered down the stairs. His feet felt heavy.

Tommy felt his head spin. The lights were really bright. The world was closing in on him. His hands were shaking. They reached the dinner table.

He tried to calm down and he sat in the chair farthest from the other two. Tommy zoned out halfway through whatever conversation they were having until Phil pondered.

“Are you going to get any food, Tommy?” His heart started beating in his chest far too loud for his liking. “Uhm….yeah..yeah…I’ll eat.” Tommy grabbed the smallest spoonful and ignored the look Techno was giving him.

Tommy felt his hands trembling. ‘Please stop.’ The nervous energy slowly receded as Techno and Phil went back to talking.

He picked at his food feeling sick just looking at it. Tommy didn’t have much of an appetite lately. He wasn’t sure why. Well maybe he had a guess but he didn’t like it.

Tommy let his blonde bangs fall into his face. His blue eyes were glassy from crying a lot. He thought he might cry but swallowed back whatever tears had welled up in his eyes.

Tommy glared at the table. He wanted to be angry. It made him feel less scared. Then, he was in control.

Everything that had happened was someone else’s choice. His mom left because she wanted to. His dad died because he chose to drink. The foster system sent him to a ton of different houses and he didn’t control any of it.

Tommy felt helpless to all of this. So, he was angry. He got into fights and caused trouble because that was his choice. Tommy finally got to make one.

Dinner ended quickly. Tommy picked up his dish and the pathetic amount of food on it stared back at him mockingly.

He bit his lip anxiously chewing on it. “Where do I put the dishes?” Phil looked up at Tommy. “Oh, it just goes in the dishwasher.” Tommy set the dishes in the dishwasher.

The guilt settled back in. He stood in the middle of the kitchen wondering what to do. It wasn’t really his house so he felt out of place no matter where he went.

Techno noticed Tommy and huffed. “You can go to your room but if you want to stay here, you can.” Tommy didn’t like the options he was given. He needed orders. Those he could do. They weren’t giving him a chance to mess up.

Tommy just rubbed the back of his neck and forced a smile. “What are you going to do?” Techno grumbled and rolled his eyes. “Do what you want to. But I’m going to my room.”

Tommy felt his cheeks redden with embarrassment. “I- uhm-…I was-..I just wanted to know what you were gonna do.” He stammered looking anyway but Techno.

The pink haired teen just walked away shaking his head. Tommy gulped and turned to go upstairs.

Phil had apparently already gone to his office because Tommy didn’t see him. He swiftly walked upstairs still feeling heavy but he forced himself to move faster.

Reaching the room, Tommy sat on the floor again. He listened to music, hugging his knees.

Tommy shut his eyes feeling himself frown. It’s not like he’d be able to sleep tonight anyways. Tommy felt the hurt swell around him yet again.

He tightened his grip on his knees. Tommy dug his nails into them. He jumped a bit when he heard footsteps. Relaxing slightly after realizing they were less organized.

Techno kinda scared him. ‘Must be Phil.’ There was a knock on the door and Tommy opened it.

Sure enough, it was Phil. “Hey, Tommy. I just wanted to talk to you before I go to bed.” Tommy replied quietly. “Okay.” Phil responded. “Can I come in?”

Tommy quickly nodded. Phil sat down at the desk. “I wanted to ask when you were comfortable with starting school.” Tommy mumbled. “I can start whenever.”

Phil questioned him. “Okay. Do you have anything you need right now?” Tommy shook his head. Phil gave him a light smile.

“Alright, I’m gonna go to my room then. If you need anything just knock.” Tommy nodded. Phil walked away and Tommy shut the door. He should shower.

Tommy took his earbuds out. He crept to the bathroom and locked the door behind him. The water was warmer than he was used to. He put on his other set of clothes.

Tommy left the bathroom and went to the room. It still didn’t feel right to call it his. Tommy curled up in the corner and listened to music until his iPod died.

The last time he had checked the time, it was around two in the morning. He rested his head on the floor. A couple hours passed and Tommy fell asleep at some point.

Light shown through the window making Tommy stir. He blinked blearily and sat up.

The floor was uncomfortable but he didn’t want to get attached or do something wrong so he avoided the bed.

Tommy tip-toed out of his room. He timidly walked into the kitchen. Phil was flipping pancakes. Techno was scrolling through his phone.

Tommy didn’t have a phone and didn’t really expect to get one for a long time. He slid into a chair keeping his arms glued to his sides.

The silence spoke louder than Tommy thought anyone ever could. It wasn’t tense but he still felt dread pool in his stomach.

He’d probably have to actually try to eat something today. Tommy didn’t think he had an eating disorder or anything.

His appetite just wasn’t really there anymore and he felt like there were butterflies swirling around in his stomach all the time. The tightness in his chest didn’t help.

Tommy licked his lips, they were dry. He hadn’t had water for a little while. That probably wasn’t good.

Tommy only came to the conclusion he had zoned out when Phil was waving a hand in front of his face. “-ommy? Tommy? You okay?” His eyes focused back in and he met Phil’s.

The concern was present in the older’s expression. Tommy blinked a couple times and choked out a reply.

His mouth felt like it was coated in chalk. It was hard to talk. “I’m fine.” Techno apparently disagreed because he retorted. “Didn’t look that way.”

Tommy felt anger rise up and make his head feel all hot. “Stop fucking looking then.” He snapped bitterly.

Phil’s eyes widened and he calmly spoke. “Tommy, you could’ve said that a bit more nicely. Let’s calm down.” If he could possibly get anymore upset, Tommy did. ‘Yell at him. Scare him off. Run. Hide. Do something!’

“No! I’m not going to calm down!” He stood up feeling his face heat up and his hands clench.

Tommy stormed off back to his room. It’s not like he really wanted to eat anyway.

He sat on the ground feeling quite stupid. Tommy wasn’t a child, he didn’t need to throw stupid tantrums. To be fair, he wasn’t angry at Techno.

He felt a little bit trapped and got scared. So, he chose fight. Which wasn’t always smart but Tommy didn’t know what else to do.

When he felt threatened and someone had pried too far into his life, Tommy panicked. He felt overdramatic for it.

A couple minutes later, there was a knock on his door. He opened it begrudgingly. It was Phil, of course. “Hey, I know you aren’t feeling too good today. But you still need to eat.”

Tommy rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. Phil smiled a bit. “Don’t be like that. I promise my pancakes are good. Also, since you said you would start school whenever I thought tomorrow would be good. If that’s okay with you of course!”

Tommy dug his nails into his palms. “That’s fine.” He could feel the anxiety radiate around him. Tommy hoped no one else could. Phil handed him a backpack. “Here.” Tommy thanked him. It was mostly plain but he felt grateful.

Phil had kept his word. The pancakes were delicious. Tommy didn’t eat much of one but he tried.

He was getting somewhat better about eating. Cleaning up his plate, he set it in the dishwasher.

Techno came up behind him. “Hi, uhm…I wanted to know if you’d be interested in going on a walk?”

Tommy observed the way Techno shifted his weight from foot to foot. “Sure.” He said without even thinking. ‘Fuck. shit. No. I don’t know how to do this.’ Tommy grit his teeth a bit.

Phil informed them, he’d be in his office working. Techno just nodded and led Tommy out the front door. He shyly walked trying not to trip over his own feet.

Techno chuckled a bit when Tommy stumbled. He spoke up. “Watch your step. So, I uhm…I’m not the best at talking but I just wanted to learn more about you.”

Tommy tilted his head. That was unusual. Usually people didn’t care what he had to say. “I like listening to music.” He offered looking up subtly.

Techno seemed to like that answer because he nodded along. “That’s cool. I like music too.” It was quiet for a minute before Techno asked another question. “Are you nervous for school?”

Tommy didn’t really know how to feel about school. He usually got into to trouble and got bad grades.

Tommy was the perfect example of a delinquent and a problem child. That was no surprise to anyone who read his file.

It wasn’t that he tried to get into to trouble. People were just mean and Tommy let his anger out for once. The poor grades were mostly because he was too nervous to focus on the class.

Tommy murmured. “Sorta.” Techno closed his eyes as a breeze blew through his hair. It was longer and the pink shined in the sunlight.

“It’ll be fine.” He whispered to Tommy. Eventually, they went back home and he felt less terrified of Techno. It was a start. Tommy looked up to him a lot. But it was partially out of fear.

Lunchtime rolled around and Phil decided that they should go out so Tommy could get used to things. Which he completely disagreed with but it didn’t matter.

He complied with the plans despite that. The restaurant wasn’t too big. It had little red hanging lights sort of like an Applebee’s.

The theme was a movie theater sort of vibe. Tommy liked it. The people there weren’t loud and it wasn’t overwhelming.

He enjoyed the food since he could get chicken tenders without bones. Which felt easier to eat.

Techno got a salad which Tommy expected since he seemed like a healthy type of person. Phil got some kind of burger.

They enjoyed a nice meal and talked some. Tommy opened up a little more but never completely.

It was pretty basic stuff like how his day was and what he liked doing. Nothing about his past or mental health. Which Tommy avoided talking about at all costs.

That probably wasn’t helping anymore but he didn’t care. Anything to protect himself.

Tommy still hadn’t considered the thought of running away yet. The second he slipped up, Tommy knew he get out of there. As usual. But why not enjoy what he had now.

School started tomorrow and Tommy hoped he wouldn’t get into any fights yet. Usually, families gave up on him the second he started a fight.

Then, he was back to being worth nothing again. Tommy shook the thought out of his head as they left.

The car was clean and smelled good. Like ocean breeze since they had one of those scent things. He liked them.

The back of the car was a safe option. The front scared him. Tommy’s dad always wanted him to sit in the front even though it probably wasn’t safe for a six year old.

That was fine. It was that Tommy was avoiding anything. He was perfectly okay. No feelings here. None at all.

Tommy took a break in his room which he had gotten a bit comfortable in. After the restaurant, he decided to relax and draw a bit.

There was paper on the desk and he hoped he was allowed to use it. So, he took the risk.

The doodles weren’t exceptional or anything but it helped him relax. He giggled at the little cow he drew. It looked a bit wonky but it was cute. Tommy named the cow Henry.

That would be his friend. If he didn’t make any at school. He shuddered at the thought of being bullied again. Plenty of times, people had made fun of Tommy but being bullied was different.

They never stopped. The torment never ended and by the time he left, Tommy had all the names they called him imprinted into his head.

Hopefully, he wouldn’t be pathetic enough to let himself get bullied again. Tommy fought back instead sometimes but he tried to be good.

‘I’ll be good. Niki needs me to be good.’ He huffed and thought to himself. It would all work out. It had to. Tommy was counting on it.

The sun started to fall lower in the sky and it was dinner time. He ignored the way his mouth tugged itself into a frown.

School was making him way too antsy. Tommy was fidgety again and he knew it was annoying.

Techno and Phil were discussing something about an article Techno found on ancient literature.

He couldn’t bring himself to pay attention. Tommy tried to take a few bites but his stomach did flip flops. He trembled at the feeling with disgust.

Phil seemed to notice this. “Not feeling well?” Tommy just nodded wrapping his arms around his waist.

Phil’s expression became a bit worried. “Are you sick?” He asked quietly. Tommy immediately shook his head. “No! No- I’m not sick. Just uhm…nauseous.”

Techno sighed and turned to Phil. “He’s nervous.” Tommy felt his heart drop. He didn’t like people talking about his feelings especially if they weren’t good ones.

“I’m not.” Phil realized Techno was right. He examined Tommy’s expression. “It’s okay if you are.”

Tommy just shook his head repeatedly. “I’m not!” He yelled defensively ignoring the way his voice cracked. Phil set a hand on his arm. “Hey, calm down. No need to get worked up about it.”

Tommy inhaled sharply and stuttered. “I’m- I’m gonna go to the-my room.” He stood up on wobbling legs. Tommy managed to get to his room.

The day had been exhausting and long. It wasn’t bad. Just tiring. Within an hour

Tommy felt his conscious waning. There was a knock on the door. He opened it. ‘Techno and Phil. Huh.’ Techno mumbled something that sounded like goodnight and walked away.

Phil just looked at Tommy kindly. “Goodnight, Tommy. Sleep well.” He felt his heart brighten at the glance. It was so kind. Tommy had never felt so appreciated.

“Goodnight. Thank you.” Phil walked away and Tommy actually decided to sleep on the bed this time. He drifted off into a peaceful slumber.

Tommy was shaken awake. He met eyes with Techno. “School starts in an hour.” Tommy heard Techno inform him.

Sitting up, Tommy mumbled a response. “I’m up- I’m up.” Techno nodded a walked away. Tommy groaned and ran a hand down his face.

He had to shower and find something to wear. Getting out of bed was harder today. Tommy could feel his joints crack.

Sometimes he hoped when he went to sleep, he wouldn’t wake up. Which was maybe not the best mentality but since when did Tommy care.

He showered pretty quickly. As usual, he wore the same outfit. A white t-shirt with red sleeves, jeans, and dirty converse.

It wasn’t exactly ideal but it was all he currently had. Tommy stared at himself in the mirror trying not to start picking out every single insecurity.

He sighed heavily and brushed his teeth. Techno was tying up his hair next to Tommy. The other teen had apparently skipped school yesterday because Tommy wasn’t going.

Techno loved school but he wanted to hang out with Tommy. He finished

brushing his teeth and headed downstairs.

Tommy didn’t feel like eating breakfast so he took a granola and said he’d eat it later. Of course, that wasn’t true but it wouldn’t do any harm.

The car ride to school was quiet. Techno was tapping his foot and staring out the window. Tommy just hugged himself stared at the seat in front of him. Phil was focused on the road.

Eventually, they made it to the high school. Tommy had recently turned fifteen but he didn’t really celebrate. He went to high school for the first time at his last house.

Tommy got out of the car and tried not to pay attention to the way his hands were shaking. Phil told them both goodbye and Techno walked away leaving Tommy by the front office.

The receptionist was nice. She had a bright smile and gold hoop earrings.

Handing him a schedule, she pointed him in the direction of the first class.

Tommy made his way through the hallway. Soon, he was standing in front of an entire class of teenagers. Tommy turned to the teacher. “Excuse me, sir?” The man turned to look at Tommy.

He had brown hair and blue eyes. “You must be Tommy, I’m Mr. Jacobs” Tommy nodded and hoped he wouldn’t have to say anything else.

“You can go sit over there.” Mr. Jacobs pointed at a chair between two other kids. Tommy made his way to the back avoiding eye contact with anyone.

About a second after he sat down the kid next to him spoke up. “Hi! I’m Tubbo.” Tommy scrunched his face up a bit. ‘What the hell is a Tubbo?’ The brown haired boy motioned to another kid who had blue eyes. “This is Ranboo.” Tommy forced a smile. “Uhm hello, I’m Tommy.” The two just blinked.

“Yeah that’s what Mr. Jacobs said.” Tommy cringed realizing they already knew that. “Yeah sorry.” Tubbo just waved him off.

Ranboo looked pretty shy. “Nice to meet you. Me and Tubbo are best friends. Would you like to sit with us?” Tommy agreed to sit with them even though he felt sort of uncomfortable having friends.

He always messed stuff like this up. Mr. Jacobs started the class up and taught them something about history. Tommy couldn’t focus much. He was busy picking at his finger nails.

Apparently, he should’ve paid attention because they had a short quiz. It wasn’t like a big deal, Mr. Jacobs was nice. But Tommy felt his anxiety spike.

He was going to fail and then, he’d have to run away. For some reason, he didn’t want to leave. Niki would be disappointed. So, Tommy swallowed back his fears. The test wasn’t super hard but they had to grade each other’s work. Ranboo got Tommy’s. By the end of class he thought he might cry. He got five questions right. Tubbo and Ranboo didn’t say anything about it.

They went to the next class and Tommy felt miserable. Hours passed and it was lunch time. Tommy decided that the granola bar was the only thing he’d be able to eat right now. So, he took small mechanical bites of it.

Tubbo and Ranboo talked a bit. They made jokes and talked about Minecraft. Tommy learned that Ranboo’s favorite animal was a cat and Tubbo’s was a bee.

Maybe he could draw pictures for them. ‘That’s stupid and silly.’ He felt his smile dim at the thought.

The rest of the day passed by pretty quickly. His science teacher was really cool. He let them call him by his first name. Tommy liked Skeppy. Then, they had English which Mr. Halo taught.

Eventually, the day was over. His teachers were really nice. The receptionist introduced herself to him on the way out. Her name was Mrs. Rose.

Tommy waved goodbye to Tubbo and Ranboo who walked home together. He felt slightly left out but he avoided causing any problems.

Tommy didn’t like talking about feelings anyways. For now, he’d avoid absolutely losing it. The car ride home was nice.

Tommy talked to Phil about his new friends and teachers. They had to wait a half hour to leave school anyway. Techno talked about his fencing practice after it was finished.

Tommy only realized how hungry he was when they made it home. Phil offered to make Tommy a snack. So, he ate ritz crackers while thinking about his new friends.

Tubbo was really cool and Ranboo was nice. But they didn’t need him. Clearly, they had their own thing going on and

Tommy was intruding. He finished his snack and ignored how he felt like throwing up. Thanking Phil, Tommy went upstairs.

Luckily, the teachers hadn’t burdened them with any homework today. He put his earbuds in and listened to music while drawing.

It was embarrassing but Tommy did draw a picture of a bee and a cat. He didn’t have names for them yet but he’d think of something.

Tommy doodled a bit more and drew pictures of himself and his friends going adventures. Hours passed and he was so invested in these fake little fantasies that he didn’t even hear the knock at his door.

Techno opened it and tapped Tommy on the shoulder. “It’s dinner time.” Tommy froze, had he spent that much time drawing.

Yes, yes he had. Tommy took his earbuds out and confirmed that he’d be downstairs soon.

Dinner tasted good. It was potato soup that Techno had made. Tommy didn’t know he could cook but it was delicious.

Phil complimented Techno on the soup. Tommy just enjoyed the meal and tried to live in the moment.

So far, everything hadn’t been that bad. Until he remembered that he had gotten a bad grade. Parents got emails about grades.

Tommy didn’t think of Phil as his parent but he still got the email. He panicked a bit and stood up very quickly. “I just remembered I have homework- I’m gonna go do that!” Phil cut him off. “Wait. I was gonna ask if you needed any help. History is pretty difficult and Techno’s good at it.”

Tommy passed. Could he ask for that? “Uhm-…it wasn’t really…the best, sure.” He agreed. Techno nodded and Tommy left to go upstairs again.

Red and orange filled the sky before the void of nighttime arrived. Tommy said goodnight to Phil and Techno before drawing for a while.

Time passed and it had gotten really late. He crawled into bed and practically passed out. Tommy had a good day.

Hopefully, things wouldn’t change. He didn’t want to let go of his perfect paradise just yet. Sleep finally pulled him under. Tommy dozed off.

He dreamed of past families, failures, new hopes, kindling friendships, and fear. The fear of losing everything he had now.

Tommy always lost. He always messed up. This time he hoped the perfection he was living in wouldn’t end so fast.

The day started off really good. Phil offered to let Tommy invite friends over if he’d made any. This time, he actually had names to say.

Phil managed to get their parents phone numbers from the phone book. Ranboo’s dad who apparently wasn’t his biological dad introduced himself.

His name was Sam and Phil smiled saying he was friendly. Tubbo’s parents didn’t pick up. But the house phone picked up.

Apparently, Tubbo was home alone which was strange. Phil told him about the plans and he agreed.

Tommy waved goodbye to Phil when he left for school. All the classes were as usual, pretty boring.

Tommy couldn’t seem to pay attention, the constant fear of something going wrong was overwhelming. He wasn’t going to tell anyone about this though because Tommy was fine.

Lunch was not terrible, he had fun talking to Tubbo and Ranboo. They seemed really close so he tried not get too attached.

Soon, it was over and Tommy had an English lesson review test. He bounced his leg staring at the exam.

Tommy gripped onto the desk. His breathing hitched. ‘Shit. Not now. Please.’

He quickly raised his hand feeling it tremble. Mr. Halo walked over. “Yes, Tommy?” He swallowed back fear and babbled out a response. “I- can I uh- use the bathroom?”

His voice shook and he blinked back the tears collecting in his eyes. Mr. Halo let him go thankfully.

Tommy barely made it to the bathroom before sliding against the wall. He grabbed at his shirt trying to breathe. Tommy shut his eyes ignoring the tears slipping down his cheeks.

Gritting his teeth, he curled up. ‘All this over a stupid test.’ Tommy was angry at himself. Why did he have to be so pathetic? The buzzing in his ears didn’t go away.

Tommy didn’t even notice that someone else had entered the bathroom. “Tommy?” He recognized the voice even with the ringing in his ears. ‘Oh shit. Fucking damnit!’

Tommy opened his eyes and he was upset to be right. Techno was standing in front of him. He shakily inhaled gripping at his shirt and bit more.

His chest hurt from not being able to breathe to well. Techno knelt down looking in his eyes. “Tommy, hey-hey- it’s okay. Just try to take a deep breath.”

Tommy watched as Techno took a breath, exaggerating it. He copied it and continued following Techno’s example. Eventually, Tommy could breathe again.

“T-Thanks…” He stuttered a bit letting go of his shirt. Techno had a concerned look on his face. That wouldn’t be good. “What happened?” Tommy honestly wanted to punch himself in the face. “Uh…test..a bit hard and uhh-I don’t know.”

Techno raised an eyebrow. ‘He doesn’t believe me.’ Tommy thought with a scowl. “Sorry about that- I’ve gotta go back to class.” Techno narrowed his eyes. “Okay. But can we talk about this later?”

Tommy internally cheered realizing he invited Tubbo and Ranboo over. “I have friends over later.” Techno sighed but nodded.

Tommy went back to class pushing back the anxious thoughts. He scribbled out answers on the test. ‘I failed. I suck at this. I’m not good at anything.’

Tommy turned in the test. He rested his head on his desk for the remainder of class paying no attention to the lecture.

Soon, the bell rang for the last class of the day and Tommy met up with his friends. Tubbo and Ranboo were both smiling when Tommy reached the exit. “Sorry I took a while.” Tubbo’s smile didn’t seem to reach his eyes and Tommy didn’t know why. ‘Weird.’

Phil drove the three of them and Techno home. Tommy brushed off Techno’s worried looks. Ranboo thanked Phil profusely. Tommy thought it was a bit much.

The trio decided to hang out in Tommy’s room. “So,  this is your room. Did you switch schools?” Tubbo asked looking around at everything. “Uh yeah….” Tommy felt bad for lying but he didn’t need people knowing his was stupid foster kid that no one needed.

Ranboo didn’t look like he believed it but Tommy didn’t notice. The hangout was super fun. Tommy showed them his drawings to which they gave him endless compliments and laughs.

They played outside and climbed a tree. Tubbo was practically squealing when Ranboo tackled him to the ground. “Fight me, bitch!” Tubbo screamed while Ranboo tried to keep himself from being kicked in the face.

Tommy snorted, grinning. They all were exhausted by the end of the day. Tubbo looked dizzy. Ranboo and Tommy were bickering playfully not paying much attention.

Then, randomly out of nowhere Tubbo face-planted into the ground. Ranboo looked surprisingly calm. “Tubbo- cmon dude- wake up….” A couple seconds passed. Tubbo finally sucked in a huge breath and sat up. He wiped the dirt off his face.

Tommy sighed with relief that Phil wasn’t here. Now, it was his turn to worry. “What the hell was that?” Tubbo turned to look at Tommy. “Sorry….i guess I forgot to eat much today.”

Tommy thought back to earlier at lunch and realized Tubbo didn’t bring anything. ‘What the fuck is going on?’

He shook off the concern. “Okay….try to eat more, man. That’s not good.” Tubbo just nodded and Ranboo ruffled his hair a bit. Tommy sat next to them. Tubbo stayed sitting down for a while.

The sun lowered in the sky as usual. Tonight, the moon rose higher into the sky. It started to get chilly.

Phil called them inside for dinner. Tommy joked with Ranboo. “And then- I said you don’t even have parents, they died!” Ranboo cringed went quiet. Tommy didn’t know why but he felt a bit hurt at being ignored.

Meanwhile, Tubbo hadn’t eaten much of anything. Tommy had been getting better at eating for every meal. It seems like Tubbo wasn’t very good at that.

Phil had noticed that too. He made note to check on Tubbo at some point. Ranboo seemed a bit down too. Phil would talk to Sam about it.

Tommy was troubled. He didn’t know how to help his friends. Soon, it was time for them to leave.

Phil and Sam talked for a while. Tommy waved to Ranboo when they drove away. Tubbo smiled at Tommy. “Alright, big man. I’m gonna walk home.”

Tommy’s jaw dropped. It was fucking freezing outside by now. He couldn’t just let Tubbo walk alone in the cold, dark night all the way home.

Tommy asked Phil to drive Tubbo. He was understanding even though Tubbo looked guilty the whole ride to his house. It was dark inside.

Tubbo smiled and waved but Tommy couldn’t help the way he frowned when Tubbo went inside. Phil looked a bit confused too.

The ride home was quiet. Techno was reading when they got home. Tommy said goodnight to both of them. Techno still looked worried for him.

Tommy hated it. Phil felt the tension, wondering what happened. He’d ask Techno later. Tommy went upstairs to his room and tried to think of why his friends were acting like this.

Maybe they were struggling too. He didn’t know. It was really dark outside and Tommy yawned. His eyes started to slip closed.

Sleep came easy after his long, exciting day. His dreams made him toss and turn in his sleep. They weren’t very nice tonight. Tommy finally let the void take him out of dreams and everything faded away.

Tommy woke up and knew today was going to be a shit day. He was all jittery. The nightmares had plagued his sleep and now he was all off. Days like this, Tommy felt like crying every ten seconds.

Everything felt too scary and upsetting. Despite that, he went downstairs and ate breakfast. He had stopped struggling with eating since it became a routine. Before, he usually didn’t eat since foster parents forgot to get any food.

Tommy was grateful to be able to eat normally again. He had a bit of cereal that turned soggy when he zoned out for too long. Techno was staring at him practically the whole morning.

Tommy didn’t like being the center of attention even though he acted like it. Sometimes, he thought of himself as a theater kid.

He was so dramatic all the time. But he was constantly putting on a show. Hiding who he was and everything he felt. The world was his stage and he could never get off. Audience members were quite mean.

Tommy took a spoon full of cereal and ate it. He finished up and set the bowl in the dishwasher.

Phil drove him and Techno to school as usual. When they arrived he waved goodbye and went to his locker. Setting his wet raincoat inside out it, Tommy turned to see Tubbo and Ranboo.

Tubbo looked better than he did the other day but he was still super pale. Ranboo was the same as before but Tommy didn’t know how to feel about him. He seemed off.

They made small talk walking through the hallways to class. Ranboo mumbled something about losing his notebook. Tommy snickered and tried to joke with him.

The perfectly crafted persona worked without fail covering every single anxiety. Ranboo didn’t appreciate this thought because he retorted. “Tommy, you’ve literally never lost anything in your life. Don’t be selfish.”

Tommy snapped his head around to look at Ranboo now glaring. Tubbo tried to break it up but it didn’t help. “Guys, let’s just calm down.”

But Tommy wouldn’t take it. “How do you know that? And what have you lost that’s so important.” Ranboo was seething now.

It seems like they had both been ticked off that day. “I lost the only people that actually cared about me but you wouldn’t know what that’s like!”

Tommy felt his hands twitch. His head felt hot again. He knew all too well what this was. Tommy went still. No one had cared about him. But Tommy knew what it was like to lose.

He saw red. It was all red and it was screaming at him to fight. To take back control. Everyone kept telling him who he was and how he was supposed to feel.

Tommy didn’t even know that so how could they. He tackled Ranboo to the ground and slammed his fist into his friend’s face or at least he thought he did.

Tommy didn’t care about the screams he heard. Or the blood on his knuckles. All he cared about was control. He needed to take back everything that had been stolen from him.

Ever since he was little everyone left him behind. Not this time. He wouldn’t let them get close. They couldn’t want someone like Tommy.

Nobody could ever care about someone like him. He was a misfit. A freak. An idiot. A failure. A problem. Tommy was a problem. No one could ever figure out how to fix him.

He was thrown away like the broken thing he was. That’s what happens to broken things. If you can’t fix them, you throw them away. It hurts to be thrown away, over and over again. Like you are nothing. That all you were was an object and if you can’t do what you’re supposed to then you get abandoned.

Tommy felt someone grab his arms and haul him away from Ranboo. His hands hurt but all he could hear was the buzzing of a thousand bees all around him. Maybe even hornets. They were angry and loud. It made his ears hurt but they wouldn’t be quiet. So, he’d be loud too.

Finally, he recognized the voice telling him to stop was Mr. Jacobs. Tubbo was staring at Tommy. With that look, the one he hated so much. When people realized he was a monster. That he was a bad person.

Ranboo had sat up, he wasn’t actually hurt that bad. It looked like Tommy had hit the ground more than Ranboo. The sides of Ranboo’s face were lightly bruised but the floor beside him was covered in blood.

‘Oh….’ Tommy realized that he had basically hurt himself and know everyone probably thought he was crazy. Tommy stared at the floor with shame. This was going to suck.

The principals office wasn’t fun. Mrs. Rose gave him a sad look before he walked in there. The principal wasn’t mean but it was terrifying having Phil called. Ranboo was there too. Sam got called.

The principal explained what he saw. Which was that Tommy had attacked Ranboo but also supposedly injured himself worse. That they didn’t know his intent or the full story. But that the principal suggested something was done to fix his problematic behavior and gave him a week of detention.

Tommy didn’t have problematic behaviors. He just was problem. Tommy was a broken screw up stupid kid. Phil nodded along to all of this. Tommy left school early.

He whispered an apology to Ranboo before he left. Luckily, Ranboo seemed to understand why he was upset because he smiled and said that they’d talk later.

Tommy had avoided talking to Phil the second they got home. He hid in his room under the blankets trying not cry. Curling up into a ball pathetically, Tommy let his thoughts take over.

It wasn’t good for him to overthink but he didn’t know what else to do. He felt bad for Ranboo, Tommy didn’t mean to snap and hurt him. His hands itched from the bandages the school nurse put on.

Techno got off of school and heard what happened from Phil so of course now he was worried too. Tommy wanted to run away. For the first time since he had arrived at this house, he wanted to get out.

He couldn’t drag them down with in. Tommy hurt someone, one of his only friends. Ranboo didn’t deserve that. He scared Tubbo too! Tommy was a manipulative, selfish, terrible, horrible person. He didn’t deserve to live. But he didn’t deserve the peace of death either. So, he’d run away.

Tommy would keep everyone else safe from his disgusting messed up mind. His anxious wired brain that caused problems. He’d keep it shoved in his thick scull. Tommy grabbed a piece of paper.

This wasn’t one of those notes but it was an apology and explanation. He’d tell them why he was leaving and he’d say sorry for hurting them. Telling Phil and Techno to pass the note on to Tubbo and Ranboo too.

Tommy was called to dinner but he refused to talk. He ate in silence, making sure to fill his stomach before tomorrow morning. That was when he’d make his escape.

Tommy said a quiet goodnight only thinking goodbye. He couldn’t sleep easier that night. When he drifted off, he was restless. Tommy was going to miss this. But he didn’t deserve that. He’d fix what he did. Tommy was going to make things right.

Whether that was true or not. It was what he thought would help. Or maybe it wasn’t. He didn’t know what to think.

Tommy was scared so he was going to run. It could be to protect himself or to protect the people he learned to care about. But sometimes it felt like he was punishing himself. He deserved it. Tommy wrapped his arms around his waist, crying in his sleep.

Light seeped through his window, it was not as gloomy as yesterday. Tommy was glad it wasn’t raining, he didn’t want to have to run away in pouring rain. His plan was to take all his stuff in his school backpack.

Phil had gotten it for him for school but he hadn’t used it yet. Tommy was scared of doing something wrong so he just set it the corner.

He shoved clothes and everything he’d ever owned into the small bag. Making sure to eat a lot for breakfast, Tommy acted smiley.

It was probably suspicious since he had basically beat up Ranboo yesterday. He wrote an apology in the letters though.

Hopefully, his plan would work smoothly. Breakfast was very quiet and ominous. Techno was staring at Tommy’s hands. Phil was sipping coffee, deep in thought. ‘This is all my fault.’ Tommy studied the floor. ‘Hmm those tiles look really nice.’

The floor was very interesting. He put his extremely heavy backpack on. It would not be fun to carry but it was worth it. This was for them. They didn’t need him. He didn’t deserve them. Tommy would do the only thing he knew how to do, run.

The car ride to school was not very eventful. He made sure to say a very kind goodbye. Techno went inside the building and Tommy waited for Phil to drive away.

Looking around to check for anyone watching, he made his route leaving the school. Things were working out so far. Tommy had walked for a while and he made it to a small alleyway. It wasn’t too dirty and he had felt like he walked three miles.

Probably more. Sitting down, Tommy took a tiny bite of the sandwich Phil packed him for lunch. It was pretty good. He sighed, pulling out his IPod. Shoving earbuds in, he played more music. Tommy sunk down against the wall.

The day was still young but school would be getting out in a matter of hours. Tommy had to keep moving. He started walking again. Trees, roads, rocks, houses, and businesses. Tommy saw them all pass by, he felt he was going in circles.

Finally, he reached a clearing. It wasn’t ideal especially not for being found but he so tired. School had definitely ended by now. The teachers had marked him as absent.

Tubbo and Ranboo were probably concerned. They all would know within minutes that Tommy had run away. He watched the clouds pass over the blue sky above him. Grass swishing around him as the wind rushed by. It was quiet, it was lonely.

Tommy was used to being alone but this hurt. Because he had let go when he should’ve held on. The sun lowered in the sky. It wasn’t dark yet but it would be in a few hours.

Tommy stood up brushing himself off. He had to keep moving. Niki would be disappointed. His heart constricted with guilt. But he had to get moving. Moving. Moving. Moving.

His vision was swimming. Tommy didn’t know when his face started feeling cold but when he touched it, it was wet. He was crying.

The realization made Tommy fall to his knees. He choked on a sob. ‘What is wrong with me?’ For years, Tommy wished somebody would tell him why he was so…terrible.

How could anyone EVER like him? The idea was so foreign. Everyone always left. Everyone always left and he deserved it!

Tommy screamed and cried. The cruel world had hurt too much and finally he slipped off the ledge. He broke. Everything that had happened all piled up and came crashing down.

He wailed for his mother who left and his father who died, for his friends who slipped away too fast, for his family who he hurt, for the people he destroyed, for the things he did. Tommy let his laments echo across the empty grassland.

The sun slipped beneath the sky and darkness fell. He looked back at the stars listening to them. They called out to him.

The stars wanted him to come home. Tommy knew in his heart where home was. He had found a place to call home. But he always messed it up.

They wouldn’t want him back. But the stars told him otherwise. They told him to let it out. All the tears. To let them fall and let someone pick him back up.

Tommy sniffled and curled up. It was chilly. His eyes closed and he let the void of space eat him up. Sometimes that’s all he wanted.

Today he wondered if there could be something more. Maybe someday he’d know what he wanted. Tommy whimpered in his sleep.

The nightmares hadn’t let up. They were worse than usually. It was dark and cold. Images of his past haunted him as memories whirled around in his head.

Tommy woke up with a shout. He was sobbing again. Breathing irregularly, he begged the stars to help him. But they only murmured. They couldn’t talk anyway, Tommy was just delirious.

Light poured over the horizon. The sun hadn’t risen yet though. Four beams from headlights. Tommy knew those cars. Niki….and Phil. He stood up.

Tommy needed to run. Niki would be mad and Phil already hated him. The stars pulled him back. They took their sharp edges and dragged him against the ground grinding his bones into the earth.

His eyes flashed with bright blue fear. The stars all came falling down, bursting colors through the sky and burning up. His brain was filled with fireworks of emotion and intensity. Hands shaking, heart pounding, feet slamming into the grass.

Tommy slipped on a star and fell into the sky. He touched the moon and plummeted back to earth. Everything came back to him them.

There were no stars or fireworks. No burning or falling. Just Tommy, sitting on the ground. He was absolutely hysterical. Crying and apologizing, spilling out apologies. Niki had been trying to calm him down but it wasn’t working.

Phil and Techno were there too. Watching with sadness and pain. Tommy caused it. He did this. Finally, after wails and cries of all the anguish he’d been feeling, he mumbled out another sorry. “I…I’m sorry.”

He saw Phil’s expression drop. Niki scooted to the side and Phil knelt in front of Tommy. “Tommy…the letters…is that really how you feel?” He suddenly remembered what was on those pages.

‘Oh shit.’ Tommy sucked in a breath. “…yeah.” This time, he’d be honest. Phil made a hurt sound and Techno looked devastated.

“You don’t deserve that, you know. Whatever convinced you that you aren’t worth anything is wrong. You are not a bad person, you make mistakes but that is not you.” Tommy swallowed hard trying not to start sobbing all over again. “You are not your mistakes. You are a person with feelings, Tommy. No matter what they are.” He looked up at Phil and smiled a bit. For real this time. Tommy hugged him and he trusted him for once.

Techno joined them and Niki silently awed. Tommy would have to explain everything to Tubbo and Ranboo when he apologized once again but that was a different conversation. For now, he let himself fall apart.

Tommy woke up to the sun peaking through his window. It was warm under the blankets. The frost was covering the windows.

He hummed sinking into the warmth. It had been a year since Tommy’s great escape. After many uncomfortable conversations and paperwork, Tommy was adopted.

He also talked with Ranboo and learned a lot about their past. Ranboo had talked about his identity to Tommy and Tubbo.

They were both supportive to Ranboo who was a bit insecure about who they were. They made up and helped each other through things.

Phil and Techno were his family now. Tommy was proud to call Phil his dad and Techno his brother. He had found about what Tubbo was going through too. Tommy had been a good friend and made sure things got better.

Niki was excited for him. Of course, Tommy got a therapist because apparently his mental health wasn’t exactly ideal. He did get grounded for a month after running away. But no one was mad just worried.

For a while, he was upset and angry. Things got better. Puffy helped him work through difficult emotions without ignoring them. Which was not healthy, Tommy learned.

He had definitely grown as a person and found out things about himself. Tommy had found home and he was part of a family.

Everything that had happened the past year was a lot but Tommy had people there for him. He was there for people too when they needed him.

Things weren’t perfect, sometimes Tommy still had days where his throat felt like it was filled with black goop. His chest would feel tight or like a black hole was eating him alive.

Puffy said that was anxiety, Tommy wasn’t exactly someone you’d expect to be an anxious person. If you looked close enough, you would realize he was actually just an insecure mess.

Puffy disagreed and told him that everyone struggles. Tommy knew that but he still felt like an idiot. They were working on his self esteem. Phil was helping him too, making sure to tell Tommy he was proud of him.

Ranboo and Tubbo had always been supportive even when they were hurting. Techno was practically his idol, Tommy strived to be just like him. Music had become a huge part of his life.

Tommy eventually got a phone and some AirPods. He thanked Phil endlessly for it. When things got hard, he knew he wasn’t alone. Life wasn’t easy. No one said it would be. Tommy felt really shitty a lot and that was okay.

He still talked to the stars sometimes. They didn’t talk back but he knew they listened. Somewhere out there a star twinkled back. Tommy smiled.

He texted Tubbo and Ranboo a lot. Their friendship had grown. Three broken people’s lives were all connected through a web of pain, love, and hope. But if one thing was for sure, they wouldn’t be giving up on each other or themselves anytime soon.

A year had passed and things changed. They all found a want to live. Finding home was never easy but Tommy would say he was lucky. For a while, he was say that he was unlucky to be aware of pain but he wouldn’t have it any other way. To grow and to heal, we must know what needs to change.

Tommy didn’t always like his brain but it was his. He couldn’t change who he was. That didn’t matter. Tommy didn’t want to anyway. Accepting help is hard. It had to be done and no matter how scary things got, Tommy had love. He had hope.

That’s all he ever wanted and needed. Even with all the hurt and pain, Tommy would say it had been a pretty good year.

Sitting on the porch with Tubbo and Ranboo, Tommy grinned. They were bickering about pineapple on pizza for about the fifth time that day.

The sun was setting. Phil was talking with Sam. They had became great friends. Techno was reading a book nearby. Tubbo made eye contact with Tommy. “What do you think?” Tommy paused and tilted his head.

“About what?” Ranboo snickered. “Pineapple on pizza, dumbass!” Tubbo yelled exasperated. Tommy giggled and swatted at Tubbo. “Shut up! But uhh…hmm pineapple is okay on pizza….”

Tubbo’s jaw dropped and Ranboo started cackling. “I win! Pineapple is better on pizza!” Tubbo groaned. “It makes the pizza taste wet and sweet.”

Tommy snorted and smiled. He loved his friends, no matter how stupid they were sometimes. “Ughh I don’t want summer to end.” Ranboo mumbled sadly. Tubbo hugged his arm. “Me neither.”

Tommy tried to hold back his laughter. Tubbo shot him a glare. “I’m trying to be sad here.” Ranboo rolled their eyes and stared at the sky.

Exhaling, Tommy leaned his head on Tubbo’s shoulder. Tubbo shivered a bit as usual. Ranboo yawned.

The three of them watched the sun disappear under the horizon. Phil led them inside and waved goodbye to Sam.

Ranboo gave Sam a hug before going inside. He was having a sleepover with them.

The trio sat in the couch and watched movies. Tommy was the first to fall asleep. Ranboo smiled and Tubbo looked at them, confused.

Ranboo pointed at Tommy. Tubbo awed. Eventually, Ranboo and Tubbo dozed off too. Tommy had good dreams that night. He wasn’t feeling the best but that was okay. It was enough.

Every morning when he woke up, the light would be there. Shining through his window, so Tommy got up. He got up for the friends he’d made. For the family he’d found. For the people he loved and the people who hated him. For the music he liked. For the teachers he joked with. For the blue in his eyes. For the stars in the sky. Tommy would get up.

Maybe he wouldn’t smile. Sometimes he’d cry. But Tommy would live. He would go out in the world and make his mark. Because after everything, it had to be worth something. Tommy would get up for the hope. He would live for the hope. That’s all we can do. And that is enough.

[*][*][*] Ranboo [*][*][*]

Ranboo was an anxious person. This was a well known fact. The day he got diagnosed with severe social anxiety was surprisingly good. His parents were so kind.

A few months later, everything he had ever known was taken away within seconds. He remembers it all. The teachers called him to the principals office. The hospital, the police, and his parents.

Ranboo’s life turned upside down within a day. His parents got into an accident and didn’t make it. The drunk driver had survived. Ranboo was so upset but he didn’t dare speak up.

They were wonderful parents. His mom made cookies for him every weekend. His dad would play computer games with him.

They were the most amazing people he’d ever met. Ranboo loved the life he had. It was all taken from him too quickly.

Foster care was unforgiving and hard. People were mean and scary. The other kids bullied him and the foster parents ignored him. The other kids would hit him and tell him how worthless he was.

Ranboo felt so numb. He was moved from house to house. Always feeling out of place.

Eventually, Sam came along. Ranboo liked Sam. They immediately grew close. Sam was kind and friendly. He always supported Ranboo.

Everything seemed like it fell into place. But Ranboo was falling apart too fast to put himself back together.

The first domino to fall was when Tubbo started struggling. Ranboo hadn’t met Tommy yet. Tubbo wasn’t eating anymore. At all.

Ranboo didn’t like it one bit. No matter what he did, Tubbo still couldn’t eat. Ranboo wanted to tell an adult but he didn’t want to snitch.

It all got too real one day. “Tubbo, please just take one bite.” Lunch time had always been a struggle. Ranboo was trying to coax Tubbo into eating a sandwich or a bite of it.

That just wasn’t working though. “No! I can’t do it! Please don’t make me do it.” Tubbo always got so worked up about it. Ranboo felt guilty.

Helping Tubbo was hard especially since he was juggling a lot too. He had been zoning out a lot. But it was more like he would just not exist. Reality would float away.

It was nice sometimes but Ranboo couldn’t control it. Tubbo pushed the sandwich away. Ranboo sighed and gently wrapped his arm around Tubbo.

The poor teen was so skinny. It was worrying. Tubbo frowned at Ranboo. “You’re doing it again. The thing- where you zone out and just-…are all vacant.” Tubbo stressed as Ranboo tried to snap himself back to reality.

It was weird. Sam had been trying to contact a therapist for Ranboo. He had been struggling with anxiety for his entire life and all this other…stuff had piled up.

Ranboo didn’t even know what his problems were. It wasn’t uncommon for foster kids to have mental illness.

He still wasn’t happy about feeling so messed up all the time. Ranboo was anxious and sad a lot. He sometimes struggled with simple tasks.

All the stress seemed to add up until he couldn’t take it anymore. This led to some unhealthy and bad decisions.

Ranboo had gotten into harmful habits. Sam hadn’t found out but Tubbo knew.

They had a sleepover and his sleeve rolled up too far. Tubbo hugged him and comforted him. Ranboo felt a bit better after that.

He still couldn’t quit. Despite the many attempts to stop, sometimes he zoned out and lost control.

The floaty feeling was nice sometimes. Ranboo could let it all go.

Sam wasn’t too happy about it. They had talked at dinner. “You can’t keep losing your sense of reality. That’s not normal, Ranboo.” Sam had tried to explain but Ranboo was overwhelmed. “I don’t- I’m trying! I can’t fix it!”

Ranboo would get very nervous especially when criticized. Sam was always supportive and gentle. “Hey, it’s okay. I’m not mad. You just need some help.” Ranboo nodded.

He could understand that. Sam wasn’t mad. So, therefore he could stop worrying. That night was a difficult one.

Ranboo couldn’t sleep, he was so worried. Things had been pretty rocky when he first moved in with Sam. He would have anxiety attacks weekly and couldn’t stand to be in a public place. Ranboo was so terrified of everything.

Sam got him put on medication which helped but didn’t erase his issues. The first year had been good but difficult, Ranboo said yes to being adopted. He trusted Sam. That was enough for Ranboo to want him as family.

Tubbo and Ranboo were very close friends. They met after Ranboo moved. He had left his old house and all the memories behind a while ago.

There were blanks of time in his memory. He didn’t remember everything. Sometimes Ranboo didn’t even know if he was remembering things right or wrong.

Everything was all blotchy and messed up. It was all so confusing. Ranboo wanted it all to stop sometimes. Staring at the ceiling, wishing he wouldn’t wake up the next day.

Sam was really worried about Ranboo. He never really felt suicidal but he didn’t really want to live either. If a car came at him, he wouldn’t run or dive away from it. Which probably wasn’t good.

That was why Sam got him into a therapy program. Ranboo went to a therapist named Aimsey. He thought they were very cool.

Sometimes, Ranboo didn’t like his identity. It felt wrong. He didn’t relate to who he presented himself as. But Ranboo didn’t dare talk about that.

Overall, he was trying and things had to get better. He hoped.

Then, Tommy came around. He was a excited, funny, and interesting person. Ranboo looked up to him. Everything Ranboo had tried to be, Tommy was.

Tommy’s grades weren’t perfect but Tommy could at least fit in with the other kids. Ranboo had some of it right but he kept zoning out. Tommy looked like he was paying attention. Sort of.

They graded each other’s work. Tommy had down okay, Ranboo did better. He still felt like a failure.

Sometimes, Ranboo was a bit jealous of Tommy and Tubbo’s friendship. But he wasn’t going to say anything.

Ranboo respected his friends. Tubbo hadn’t gotten much better about eating. It was worth a shot. Ranboo figured out that Tubbo’s parents hadn’t been around that much.

Tubbo said they were on a work trip. Tommy was using the restroom then. He didn’t know about Tubbo’s issues. But Tubbo never really opened up either. He was a closed book.

That was okay. Ranboo didn’t feel rejected. Not at all. Overall, things weren’t too bad. Ranboo had been having a good week so far.

Tommy had gotten to school about two days ago. They had gone over to his house to hang out yesterday. Hopefully, everything would be okay. Ranboo was holding on to that hope.

When he woke up, Ranboo knew it would be a shit day. He had been feeling paranoid and it made him irritable.

Ranboo wasn’t going to take his medication. He had stopped a couple weeks ago. Sam didn’t know yet.

Even though it was potentially life changing to stop taking medication, Ranboo had to make it stop.

Staring into the mirror at his reflection, he grimaced. ‘Why am I so ugly?’ Sometimes Ranboo thought he looked wrong. Everything was wrong a lot.

He brushed his hair out of his face. Ranboo found an acceptable shirt to wear and jeans. He hadn’t ever really liked the texture of jeans but everyone else wore them.

Ranboo liked fitting in. People didn’t understand him usually so he decided to become like them.

Grabbing a breakfast bar, Ranboo ate it. He decided to grab Tubbo something to eat too. Shoving it into his backpack, he grit his teeth.

The lights felt like they were stabbing into his eyeballs. It was absolutely miserable. Ranboo didn’t want to seem dramatic though.

He brushed his teeth before looking into the mirror one last time. His face looked so wrong. Everything looked so wrong. This wasn’t Ranboo. Then what was?

Ranboo got into Sam’s car. The drive to school was awkward and quiet. He forced a smile and waved to Sam.

He spotted Tubbo. Ranboo hesitated but walked over to the shorter teen. “Hey, Tubbo. How are you?” Tubbo smiled lightly and nodded. “I’m okay, you?”

Ranboo paused. He didn’t really know but Tubbo didn’t need to worry about him. “I’m fine. I brought you some breakfast.” Ranboo handed Tubbo breakfast bar.

He watched Tubbo frown and look at the label. “I don’t know…” Ranboo sighed and unwrapped the top of the packaging. “Just eat it. A little bit. For me?”

Tubbo ended up eating half of it and throwing away the rest. Ranboo was proud anyway. They saw Tommy at his locker.

Ranboo really didn’t want to go anywhere near Tommy today. Not because he didn’t like Tommy. No, he was going to get upset. Ranboo knew he would say soemthing and it would come off wrong.

For a second, the facade of normality fell. That’s when people hated Ranboo. Because he wasn’t being like them.

He didn’t want that to happen. They went over to Tommy anyway. Ranboo started mumbling anxiously about losing his notebook. He just realized he misplaced it.

Losing things ruined Ranboo’s day. When things didn’t go to plan it ruined his day. Things were about to get messy. Tommy kept laughing.

He was laughing at Ranboo. ‘He’s laughing at you. He thinks you’re stupid.’ Ranboo felt his head get hot. He felt his throat close up.

Ranboo spoke angerily. “Tommy, you’ve literally never lost anything in your life. Don’t be selfish.” It wasn’t a kind thing to say for sure. But Ranboo was hurting bad.

Tubbo tried to make them stop.  “Guys, let’s just calm down.” Ranboo couldn’t do it today. He was sick of feeling like this. He was sick of missing his parents. He was sick of hurting.

Tommy sneered at him. “How do you know that? And what have you lost that’s so important.” Ranboo felt his hand get all clammy. He felt his eyes fill with tears.

“I lost the only people that actually cared about me but you wouldn’t know what that’s like!” Ranboo waved his hands moving them back in forth.

The energy in his chest had to get out somehow. He flapped his hands with distress. Tommy was still. Ranboo felt time stop.

He was tackled to the ground by a certain blonde haired teen. Tommy slammed his hands into the floor. Ranboo blinked.

‘Why isn’t he hitting me?’ Ranboo felt his cheeks get punched but it was nothing compared to Tommy’s fists.

They were all beaten up. Ranboo shut his eyes. It was all too much. Tommy was dragged away by Mr. Jacobs. Tubbo looked at him then at Tommy.

Ranboo sat up to look at Tommy. Eventually, Tommy was taken to the nurses office. Tubbo had to go to class. Ranboo couldn’t take it anymore.

He was taken to the counselor’s office. Ranboo flapped his hands anxiously and paced around. The counselor tried to get him to explain but he was freaking out.

The lights were too bright. His face hurt. It was too loud everywhere. Ranboo’s jeans were itchy. The that in his shirt was scratching him. He felt like screaming.

Ranboo sat on the ground crying but refused to say anything to the counselor. Eventually, he had to go to the principals. Ranboo managed to pull himself together for ten minutes.

Sam came to the principals. Tommy and Phil were there too. The principal explained everything. Tommy and Phil talked with the principal alone for a second. Then, it was Sam and Ranboo’s turn.

He nervously picked at his finger nails. Sam was saying something but Ranboo couldn’t pay attention. The principal started talking louder. Now, Ranboo was listening.

“Our counselor here recommended you get Ranboo tested. He shows many symptoms of being autistic.” Ranboo almost started choking. Maybe he should’ve been listening better. ‘Autistic? I’m not autistic.’

He shook his head and frowned. Sam just smiled lightly and nodded confirming they would leave soon.

Ranboo left the school with Sam. Tommy had apologized quietly to him. Ranboo just smiled hoping Tommy would understand. He wasn’t mad at Tommy.

The ride home was dead silent. Ranboo had left school early. Sam didn’t look upset. He timidly spoke up. “Are you upset?”

Sam shook his head and chuckled. “Why would I be upset? You didn’t throw any punches. Sure, you have detention for a week but it’s no big deal.” Ranboo blinked and raised an eye brow.

‘That doesn’t make sense.’ Nothing made sense to Ranboo anymore. He sighed and looked out the window.

It was sunny and clear outside. ‘Should have been a good day.’ Ranboo thought. He went home and ignored Sam basically the rest of the day.

Ranboo felt guilty but he needed to be alone. Finally, night fell and he ate dinner with Sam.

They didn’t talk at all. Ranboo felt terribly bad now. Eventually, he got to go upstairs and after a terrible horrible long day, Ranboo indulged.

Tubbo would be disappointed. Ranboo had been trying to quit. It wasn’t going very well.

He cleaned everything up and went to sleep. Ranboo was sad. Very sad. But things had to get better from here. That wasn’t the case for poor Ranboo.

He got up quickly when the alarm started beeping. Ranboo shut it off with a sigh. Another day of stupid school.

Sam greeted him downstairs. “Hey, Ranboo…can I talk to you?” Ranboo hesitated. “Okay.” He knew what this was probably about but he didn’t like it. Ranboo sat at the table.

“So…about what your principal said.” Ranboo shook his head and stood up. “The counselor’s wrong!” He shouted clenching his fists. Sam frowned.

“I’m not saying this to hurt you. Nobody is mad. Ranboo, it’s okay if you are autistic-“ Ranboo stomped his foot. “I’m not! Stop saying that!” Sam put his hands up trying to calm Ranboo down.

“Hey hey, just take a breath here…” Ranboo only realized he was crying now. ‘Fucking worthless.’ Sam gently put his hands on Ranboo’s shoulders and knelt in front of him.

“I’m sorry for triggering you. I just wanted to know if you would be willing to get tested.” Ranboo sharply inhaled. “I don’t- do you really think I might be autistic?” Sam smiled gently and nodded. “Yeah, I’ve  been considering talking to you about it lately.” Ranboo paused. “Okay, fine…” Sam ruffled his hair.

“Thank you, I know it’s scary but it’s better we know.” Ranboo forced himself to smile. “I should get ready for school…” Sam nodded. Ranboo walked upstairs to brush his hair. He had already gotten dressed.

The jeans were itching constantly. Finally, Ranboo couldn’t take it anymore. He took them off and threw them across the room. Taking a pair of sweatpants, he put them on.

‘Everyone else wears jeans. Fucking freak.’ Ranboo stared at his reflection. He swallowed hard. It looked so wrong. It felt so wrong.

He trudged downstairs. Sam handed him a bagel. Ranboo loved bagels. They were his breakfast everyday. He happily ate it at the table. Soon, it was time to go.

They piled into the car. The dreaded high school finally came into view. Ranboo stepped out of the car. He already felt like crying. Sam was looking at him in concern. “Bye, bye!” Ranboo waved.

Sam laughed at Ranboo’s goodbye. He waved back and said goodbye. The car drove away leaving Ranboo alone. Tubbo ran up to Ranboo. “Hey, Boo! Have you seen Tommy?”

Ranboo crossed his arms uncomfortably. “No, I just got here.” Tubbo grinned. “That’s okay! Are you okay?” Ranboo snickered at the repetitive words. “Yes, I’m fine.” Tubbo looked skeptical but started walking inside.

Ranboo followed behind him. There was no way he was saying that he was suspected to be autistic. Tubbo went to his locker. Ranboo’s was thankfully nearby. He grabbed his books.

Tommy was no where to be found at first class. Ranboo and Tubbo went to lunch worried. ‘It’s all my fault!’ Ranboo thought to himself. Eventually, Techno came over to them.

“Have you seen Tommy?” Ranboo shook his head. Tubbo started nervous ranting. “No- have you? Is he okay? Did he skip? What if he ran away-“ Ranboo placed a hand on Tubbo’s. The shorter teen flinched. “Hey- it’s okay. I’m sure he’s fine.” Techno looked distressed now. “Thanks guys.”

Tubbo was freaking out now. “But what if he never comes back!” Ranboo carefully turned Tubbo to face him. “Calm down. Just take a deep breath.” Tubbo shut his eyes.

“What if he leaves me too?!” Ranboo let go of Tubbo. “What? Too?” Tubbo opened his eyes and laughed anxiously. “Didn’t mean to say that!” Ranboo firmly questioned. “You did. Explain please?” Tubbo’s expression softened.

“My parents…they’ve been gone for…a while.” Ranboo pulled Tubbo into a hug. “You didn’t deserve that. I promise they’ll find Tommy. But for now, I’m worried about you.” Tubbo shivered at the hug.

The bell rang. Ranboo pat Tubbo on the back. “Class is gonna start. We’re talking about this later though.” Tubbo nodded begrudgingly. “Fine.”

Classes went by fast. Ranboo felt exhausted and overwhelmed. Tubbo walked to his locker. “You okay?” Ranboo shook his head.

“Too much.” Tubbo’s eyes widened. “You-…oooh.” Ranboo felt himself get led outside to a secluded area. “Is that better?” Tubbo asked. Ranboo exhaled. “Yeah, thank you so much.”

“What was that though?” Ranboo shrunk back a bit. “Uhm I just-…I really don’t know.” Tubbo huffed. “Okay. I think Sam’s here. Should I go get him?” Ranboo quickly denied. “No! Don’t-“ Tubbo froze. “Alright, I won’t.”

Ranboo managed to calm himself down. Tubbo stayed sitting next to him. “Okay, okay. I’m good now I think.” Ranboo stood up and offered Tubbo a hand. The two started walking to Sam’s car.

Ranboo waved to Tubbo. “Be safe. And text me later.” Tubbo rolled his eyes but nodded. Ranboo smiled. Sam drove away from the school.

“So, how was school?” Ranboo frowned remembering Tommy’s absence. “Tommy wasn’t there.” Sam’s eyebrows creased with concern. “Oh?” Ranboo cringed. “Yeah, I think he ran away…do you..think it might’ve been my fault?”

Sam immediately spoke up. “No. Of course not. Tommy definitely seems like he’s struggling a lot. He’s a foster kid. That stuff’s hard.” Ranboo perked up.

“He’s-what?!” Sam repeated the sentence. “He’s a foster kid.” Ranboo mumbled sadly. “Oh…poor Tommy.” Sam sighed. “Yeah..yeah. It’s tough. I’m sure they’ll find him.” Ranboo felt guilty

He should’ve known. It all made sense now. Ranboo went to his room. When he was stressed, Ranboo liked to write.

Stories were his home. Sometimes he zoned out too much and lost reality. That was a problem…another one to add to the list of things wrong with Ranboo.

He picked up a pencil and started to write down a new chapter of his story. Smiling, he let reality slip away. Ranboo only snapped back when his phone started ringing. ‘Tubbo? Oh I was supposed to text him.’

Ranboo answered the phone. “Hey! Sorry I was writing-“ Tubbo chuckled. “It’s all good!” Ranboo scowled. “Mhm…can we talk about you know?” Tubbo sighed through the phone. “Do we have to?”

Ranboo loudly responded. “Yes!” Tubbo groaned. “Fine. What do you want to know?” Ranboo thought to himself. “How long have they been gone?” Tubbo mumbled. “Three weeks.” Ranboo had to keep himself from yelling.

“That’s almost a month!” Tubbo confirmed. “Yes I know. Sorry…” Ranboo shook his head. “Don’t apologize. Just…ugh. I need to tell someone about this.” Tubbo started panicking. “No! No! Do not!”

Ranboo paused. “..but I have to! You can’t be alone for that long!” Tubbo denied. “No. I’m handling it! Just-..trust me please.” Ranboo frowned. He knew what he should do but Tubbo would be so upset.

He agreed. “Fine. I won’t tell. Not yet. But if this goes too far I will!” Tubbo cheered. “Thank you!” Ranboo still felt the sadness pool in his stomach.

“I have to go for dinner now! Please eat, Tubbo.” Ranboo pleaded. “I’ll try.” Tubbo replied. They said their goodbyes and Ranboo went downstairs.

Sam and him ate dinner. They were having grilled cheese sandwiches. Ranboo was very picky about food textures, smells, and appearances. It was a safe option.

Ranboo talked to Sam about his story. It was about a kid who got stuck on the moon. He was lonely so the boy on the stars and the boy on the sun kept him company. Ranboo didn’t specify who these people were. But Sam probably knew.

Dinner finished up and Ranboo helped Sam wash dishes. He hated washing dishes but he wanted to be helpful. Sam didn’t know this. Ranboo felt too guilty about petty things already so he lied a lot.

Once they were done, Ranboo took a shower. The warm water made him tired. Sam said goodnight to Ranboo who had blearily climbed into bed after getting into pajamas.

Ranboo drifted off. He was exhausted after today. So many emotions had been thrown around in his head, it was aching. Tomorrow was another day. Ranboo would figure things out.

He woke up with a slight headache. Ranboo felt chills run down his spine. It was the weekend and he really didn’t know what to do.

Deciding to stay in bed and scroll through videos mindlessly, Ranboo yawned. His eyes slipped closed.

It was dark and he could hear whispers. There was a mirror sitting on the concrete floor. He picked it up. His reflection was distorted.

No! This was all wrong. Ranboo looked at his arms and they were covered with blood. What did you do? He shut his eyes and screamed.

Ranboo wanted it all to stop. He felt himself get shaken awake. Tears coated his cheeks. Sam was trying to talk to him but Ranboo just pushed him away.

He choked out a response. “What..?” Sam stared for a moment. “You had a pretty bad nightmare there, bud.” Ranboo sighed and wiped the sweat off his forehead.

Why did everything feel so wrong lately? Sometimes, he wondered if he stepped on crack or broke a mirror, maybe he crossed a black cat’s path. Whatever it was, Ranboo hadn’t felt too lucky lately.

The day droned on and he could feel reality slipping away into illusion. His alarm blared through the room.

Ranboo picked up his phone, confused. It was Monday? But how? It was just Saturday. He didn’t even remember anything that had helped the past few days.

Putting on a sweater, he felt his conscious shift out of control again. Ranboo was at school now. He was sitting in study hall. That was fifth period. But how?

Tubbo gave him a worried look. “Are you okay, Boo? You seem off today.” Tommy was there too. Ranboo didn’t even notice. He hadn’t talked things out yet! No!

‘Shit! I was supposed to talk to Tommy and-‘ His anxious spiraling was cut off by Tommy waving a hand in front of his face. “What’s going on with you today?”

Ranboo just shook his head and stared at his hands. They were cold and detached feeling. He was floating out of what was here and what was his little fantasy. Nothing.

The peace of feeling and experiencing nothing. Remembering nothing. Being nothing. Ranboo was not here. He’d shut it all out. Tubbo took his hand and squeezed.

“Hey, cmon. You have to come back to us.” Ranboo didn’t know completely what Tubbo wanted. He didn’t like it. No, he wouldn’t go back.

Tommy turned to Tubbo. “Should I get a teacher?” Tubbo hesitated. “Not yet.” Ranboo felt his hand get squeezed some more. He started to come back.

“I don’t-…” Tubbo smiled. “Good job…that’s it. Do you know where you are, Ranboo?” Looking around the room, Ranboo nodded. “School.”

Tommy sighed with relief. “That’s a problem, man. You can’t be dissociating all the time.” Ranboo tilted his head. “Dissawhatwhat?” Tubbo stifled a laugh.

“Dissociating, my therapist taught me about it. It’s where you basically disconnect from reality to avoid intense stress and pain. Sometimes it becomes a habit.” Tommy recited. Ranboo blinked and bit his nails. “Oh uhm…okay?”

Tommy rolled his eyes. “You should talk about it with Sam. I’m sure he’d help you.” Ranboo huffed. “Fine.”

He struggled throughout the day. Still zoning out a lot or dissociating, as Tommy would say. Ranboo got home feeling like absolute garbage.

Sam frowned and gently led Ranboo over to talk. “You have therapy today. Remember? With Aimsey…” Ranboo shook his head agreeing. “Yeah yeah, sorry I- uhm yeah.”

He fidgeted with his hands. Sam knelt down in front of the fairly tall teen. “Hey, are you floaty today?” Ranboo lowered his head in shame.

“I’m sorry! I don’t know why it’s been happening- I tried to make it go away!” He sputtered. Sam shushed him. “Ranboo, I’m not mad at you. It’s okay. We just need to get you some help for this. Okay?”

Ranboo hummed still feeling skittish. He slinked upstairs the second Sam stopped talking to him. Hopping on his bed, he stuffed his face into his pillow.

Sam called him downstairs around an hour later. “Ready for therapy?” Ranboo replied with a yes. They drove to the office.

He picked at the sleeves of his sweater nervously. Ranboo liked Aimsey. They were nice and helpful. He sat down on the small couch. It was a dark sapphire color. The walls were a pale blue.

Aimsey had set up lots of inspiring quotes on the walls and a couple memes. Ranboo liked that. He watched them get their clipboard out. “Hello, Ranboo. How are you today?”

Ranboo thought for a moment. “I don’t know, I feel all…you know- floaty.” Aimsey nodded and scribbled something on their clipboard. Clicking the pen, they looked back up at Ranboo.

“It seems like you are dissociating a lot. I would like to figure out why. Anxiety and depression can cause these things. It’s highly possible you struggle a lot with this.”

He glanced at the carpet. There was a fluffy rug and a desk. Aimsey sat at a chair in front of it. They provided fidget toys but Ranboo was too scared to use one.

Not wanting to break any rules. Ranboo loved rules. They were easy to understand. It was the one thing he could get right or wrong if he so chose.

He liked having choices sometimes. Other times, he didn’t. It all depended on the day. Ranboo talked with Aimsey for awhile.

They discussed his feelings about recent situations and relationships. Ranboo felt tired after all of this. His throat hurt and he wanted to cry.

Waving at Aimsey, Sam and Ranboo left the office. They drove home and Ranboo barely made it to his bed before collapsing on it.

No more nightmares plagued his rest. He fell asleep quickly. Day turned to night and Ranboo skipped dinner. He needed the sleep more.

The week had a difficult start and things were about to change. Ranboo didn’t like change. But maybe it was for the best. That was until things got messy.

Ranboo had been stressing a bit. Okay, maybe that was an understatement. It was midterms and he always took grades extremely seriously.

Sure, he had to juggle mental illness, an existential crisis, and….gender. Ranboo hadn’t mentioned it to anyone yet but it just- felt like salt in a wound when people always called him a boy.

There was something more. He felt like a boy but that just wasn’t it. Things were missing and he felt different. But he could handle all that and grades. Tests, homework, projects, and essays.

At midterms, Ranboo had to try and remember everything he shoved into his brain the past couple months. He could barely remember anything most of the time because of what Aimsey called, dissociation.

Tommy had mentioned it a few times too. Speaking of his friends, Tubbo had recently been getting quieter. Ranboo was worried he’d disappear one day. It was like he wasn’t even there.

These were all trivial issues though. He could figure it out all by himself. Sam, Tommy, and Tubbo had their own problems. Ranboo didn’t want to be one of them. He was already enough of a burden.

Sometimes, he felt rejected over literally nothing. Ranboo would be near crying when someone gave him any criticism or told him they were busy. That was fine. He wasn’t important or the top priority. It didn’t hurt his feelings. Not at all.

Ranboo knew he was a liability to people. They didn’t need him weighing them down. So, he started getting quieter too. They were better off without him. This led him down a bad path. Midterms approached and he started to throw himself into work.

Although, he did spend hours staring at the mirror wondering why he looked and felt wrong. Everything was wrong. Ranboo just wanted everything to go away. One fateful day, it all came crashing down.

Sam had come home in a bad mood. Work was difficult lately with Sam’s new boss. Ranboo knew he needed to stay out of it. Mind his own business and suck it up. Of course, Sam wasn’t mad at him. Just stressed. Ranboo could handle things.

Apparently, he couldn’t. Sam had just asked him to do the dishes. Ranboo hated it. All the mushy food. The soap suds splashing him. He hated it so much. So, he did it but eventually, Ranboo had to take a break. It was all too much.

But Sam didn’t understand that he wasn’t leaving the dishes uncleaned forever. “Ranboo Beloved! Come here right now!” He hurried down the stairs. “Yeah?” Sam sighed. “I told you to do the dishes.” Ranboo tried to explain that he was just taking a break.

Sam wouldn’t take it. “Stop making up excuses. You need to take some responsibility for your actions, Ranboo. You have to try.” And if that didn’t make Ranboo’s heart shatter then what would. He just nodded trying not to start crying. Sam motioned to the dishes.

“Finish the rest of them. Please.” The color seemed to drain from Ranboo’s face. ‘No I can’t! I can’t do it.’ He stepped back. “Ranboo! What did I just say?” Sam scolded. Ranboo just shook his head. He backed up against the wall.

The buzzing in his ears grew as the walls closed in on him. He covered his ears and gripped at his hair. “No! No! I can’t!” Sam’s expression immediately softened. Ranboo had clearly been pushed over the edge into a complete meltdown.

Sam sat next to Ranboo. “I’m so sorry. I won’t make you do that. You-you were just overwhelmed and I was having a bad day. But that’s not your fault. I’m sorry. Can I make it up to you?” This sort of response was quite foreign to Ranboo but he nodded. He took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry too. I’ve- I’ve been really upset lately and-and I want this all to be over- I don’t want to be here anymore!” Ranboo blurted out before realizing what he said. Sam frowned with concern. “Oh Ranboo….that’s not good. You need to talk to Aimsey about that. Also, we might have to talk about safety precautions. But not now.”

Ranboo curled up a bit more. “Okay…. I’m really tired so I might go to bed now…” Sam smiled and nodded. “Of course, sorry about earlier. Really. I promise we’ll get you help, kiddo.” Ranboo exhaled heavily and stood up.

“Goodnight…see you in the morning.” He mumbled with a yawn. Sam ruffled his hair and replied. “Goodnight, Ranboo. Sleep well.” Ranboo trudged upstairs and flopped onto his bed. They’d figure this out later. Maybe then, he’d talk about the gender questioning.

Ranboo stared at the ceiling blinking as the world slowly faded to darkness. He could handle things. Just maybe not always alone. That was okay. Ranboo could make things work. It would all go well in the end. He hoped.

Birds chirped through his window. Ranboo’s alarm had gone off a couple hours ago. Sam didn’t make Ranboo go to school that day. It was clear that it wasn’t a good idea. Especially after what Ranboo had said the previous night.

Rolling over to stare at the clock, Ranboo sighed. He felt like throwing up. A disgusting sluggish feeling crept through his skin. It made everything too hard. Sometimes people doubted Ranboo’s abilities. They thought he was weak for setting boundaries for himself.

Ranboo agreed with them. Sam didn’t like that very much and tried to encourage Ranboo to take breaks when needed. He buried his face in his hands. Frustrated tears welling up in his eyes. Looking in the mirror was a chore, he wasn’t….he wasn’t fully himself.

This needed to change. He had to fix things himself. Ranboo was going to be brave and stand up for his opinion. For his identity. He opened up his laptop and typed a question into the search engine. Results popped up. This…This made so much sense. He had always known in the back of his head but this confirmed it.

No longer would Ranboo be a boy. He would go by he/they pronouns. Because that was who they wanted to be. It was who he was. No one could change that. Not even Ranboo themself. This was the truth of how he felt. But now, they were going to have to come out to people. Which is very stressful.

Ranboo made a plan. He would tell Aimsey and ask them what they thought. Which they had experience with because Aimsey was nonbinary. Ranboo would have to play the waiting game though. They were nervous about coming out especially to Tommy and Tubbo. He worried they wouldn’t be as accepting to their gender identity.

Grappling with lots of issues all by himself was difficult. Ranboo had struggled with opening up in the past but had improved. Tubbo on the other hand never seemed to let up his ‘okay’ facade. Tommy had been very good about talking about his feelings. Especially after he ran away. But they had been trying to talk things out more.

Ranboo went to school the next day feeling much more relaxed. Their anxiety had simmered down to a more manageable level. Thankfully, there weren’t any tests or quizzes about yesterday’s lectures. Ranboo was grateful for that. He would have liked to fail just because they missed class.

Tubbo and Tommy discussed his absence. Ranboo told them about feeling not so good mentally. The two reacted with honey-coated, comforting reassurances. Ranboo appreciated their friendship greatly. Tommy was always understanding and there to make them laugh when the skies got grey. Tubbo was always taking care of him and making sure they were feeling okay.

Ranboo loved having wonderful friends. Sometimes, he felt that they didn’t deserve them. They were so sappy. But he secretly liked it. The day came to a close quickly. Last bells ringing, last notes, and last to be outside loses! Ranboo wasn’t the best at rushing. It made them feel warm inside to see Tommy light up when he when. And the way Tubbo beamed with pride at being second.

It was honestly endearing. Ranboo went home, talked to Sam about their day, and went to bed. The past couple days had sped by and Ranboo was anxious thinking about taking to Aimsey. He just knew something would go wrong. Maybe they’d laugh in his face saying that he was confused.

Ranboo hoped not. They stared at the mirror one last time. Picking apart insecurities and inner anxieties. He sighed and fixed their hair. It was a bit messy after the day. With a yawn, Ranboo slinked into bed. His eyes began to feel heavy and they eventually slipped shut. Sleep washed over him comfortingly. It had been a good couple days. Maybe things were looking up.

It was Wednesday. Ranboo had been getting more anxious about talking to Aimsey. He knew they’d probably support them. But still, he was nervous. Each class was a blur to Ranboo. They zoned out of reality, instead focusing on the worries. He needed to figure this all out.

This made them very jumpy all day. Tommy and Tubbo met him at their locker. He flinched and yelped when Tommy greeted them. Of course, his friends noticed. How could they not? Ranboo had tried to hide their behavior. Though he should’ve been trying to open up more.

Science was by far the worst class. Ranboo was irritated by the teacher. His sarcasm was horrid. It wasn’t that Ranboo disliked Skeppy. In fact, he was a very laid back teacher. But he kept making jokes that Ranboo thought were insults. It made their head spin in too many directions. This made things overwhelming.

Ranboo hated that he couldn’t understand it. He felt stupid. Sam had talked to them several times about this. Apparently, it was to do with autism. Which, Ranboo still didn’t think he had. Sam wanted to get them tested though. So, Ranboo complied. He didn’t want to have something wrong with them. It was too late for that though.

The next couple classes weren’t the worst. Tubbo was always quieter in English. Ranboo worried about Tubbo a lot. He knew that Tubbo had dyslexia. It was harder for him to read words and spell. Of course, English wasn’t his favorite. Tommy had his bad classes too. History was difficult to memorize for Tommy.

But the one class that they could agree was hell…Math. It had tortured generations of students. Giving headaches, anxiety, and sadness. The math teacher was some really old guy. He barely talked or taught them. Instead, sleeping through their class. Tommy and Tubbo would get super upset about it. Ranboo could tell it stressed them out a lot.

It stressed him out too. The trio all worked together using the textbook to learn. This wasn’t the most effective method but it worked. Finally, the bell rang. It signaled that it was lunch time. Sitting at the table in the corner, Ranboo waited for Tommy and Tubbo.

They talked about lots of things. Today’s topic was if Tommy was stronger than most kids. Of course, he wasn’t. Ranboo wouldn’t say that out loud though. Tubbo did. “Tommy, shut up. We can see your non existent muscles. But that’s it.” Tommy’s jaw dropped.

“How dare you?! I thought you were on my side. Now, I’m stuck with Ranboob!” Ranboo rolled his eyes. That joke had sadly stuck. “Don’t call me that-“ Tubbo giggled and started discussing peanut butter on different foods. “Hear me out. Gram crackers.”

Tommy screeched in response. “That is a crime! Peanut butter only belongs on bread!” Ranboo picked at their fingers. Tommy took a bite of his peanut butter sandwich just to spite Tubbo. Tubbo crossed his arms, scowling. Ranboo glanced at Tubbo. He didn’t have a lunch. Yet again.

Ranboo sighed. He pushed a granola bar from their lunch to Tubbo. Tommy shot him a look of appreciation. He had noticed too. Ranboo smiled in response. Tubbo just sighed. “I’m not hungry but thanks.” Tommy gave him a flat look. “You never are. Please, just a couple bites. It’s like you never eat anymore.”

Tubbo frowned and examined the packaging. The second Ranboo saw a this, he snatched it back. “Don’t. It doesn’t matter. Just eat it.” Tubbo shrunk back. Tommy put a hand on his shoulder. Ranboo opened the granola bar so Tubbo wouldn’t look a nutrition facts. They knew it wouldn’t do him any good.

Tubbo slowly but surely ate throughout lunch. Ranboo had never been more proud of Tubbo. They knew it hard for him. The lunch bell rang. Everyone poured into the hallways going to the next classes. The day droned on. Eventually, it was time to leave. Ranboo waved to Tubbo and Tommy. He walked to Sam’s car.

Breathing in and out, Ranboo composed themself. He was going to talk to Aimsey today. Their weekly session was on Wednesdays. Sam smiled when he saw Ranboo. “How was your day?” Ranboo brushed his hair out of their face. “It was good….I helped Tubbo.” Sam tilted his head. “How so?” Ranboo drooped a bit realizing that maybe it wouldn’t be good to tell Sam. Not yet.

Sam seemed to get the message. “Well, that’s good that you helped him. Down the streets, they went. As they pulled up the office, Ranboo felt his heart beat faster. ‘I can do this. I need to.’ They went inside the office. Checking in at the front desk, Ranboo followed Aimsey to the back.

“How are you, Ranboo?” He fidgeted with their hands. “I’m good. Can-Can I ask you something- or tell you something?” Aimsey nodded. “Of course!” He inhaled shakily. “I think I want to go by he/they pronouns.” Aimsey smiled warmly. “We’ve talked about your identity before. I sort of expected this.” Ranboo was suprised but they beamed.

“Thank you…for supporting me- I mean.” Aimsey just shook their head. “Why wouldn’t I? I’m nonbinary myself. It would be hypocritical.” Ranboo laughed at himself. They really had been a bit silly there. He chatted with Aimsey about Tubbo and Tommy. Their worries and his friend’s worries. How to come out to their family and friends. Aimsey gave him some helpful tips.

Ranboo went home feeling hopeful. This could work. Tucking themself into bed after dinner, Ranboo yawned. He wrapped the blankets around themself tighter. A smile feet across his face. This had been a good day. Hopefully, tomorrow would be just a pleasant. It wasn’t perfect. But it was enough for Ranboo to be okay. The warmth surrounded him. Sleep tugged their eyelids down until it won him over. Ranboo dozed off, dreaming off happy moments with friends. A content expression was plastered across their  face the whole night.

Today was the day! It was a big one. Today, Ranboo was going to come out to his friends and Sam. They were jittery from excitement and anxious energy. Ranboo fidgeted with his hands. Slipping downstairs, they went to the table. Sam was making waffles. Ranboo really liked waffles. They were one of his favorite foods. Outside the window, trees blew in the wind. It had gotten chilly again. Ranboo missed the summer sunsets with Tommy and Tubbo.

Munching on the waffles, they yawned. It had been a bit of a restless night. Excitement combined with fear of rejection made him toss and turn. Ranboo had planned out a little speech. Well, it wasn’t the best speech but it was good enough. He’d been getting better at positive self talk. Tommy had been nagging at Tubbo for being so negative. Ranboo genuinely worried for Tubbo a lot. Tommy had been getting better but Tubbo only seemed to get worse.

Ranboo thanked Sam for the pancakes and went upstairs to brush their hair. It was usually very tangled. He got ready for the day and put on their favorite outfit. Ranboo tolerated jeans sometimes. Today had to be a good day. It needed to be perfect. Okay, maybe he had gotten a bit ahead of themself. That was fine. Ranboo grabbed a purple sweater and jeans. It had been his favorite for a while.

They got his school stuff. Ranboo hopped down the stairs. It was time. They took a deep breath. “Can-…Can I tell you something?” Sam turned around and nodded. “Of course. What’s up?” Ranboo sighed. He fidgeted with their fingers. “I’m…I go by he/they.” Sam blinked and smiled. “Thank you for telling me. I’m proud of you.” Ranboo beamed. Sam supported him. They hugged Sam.

Sam drove Ranboo be to school. Things were going good so far. Ranboo could feel his hands twitch. It must just be from the excitement. They felt a bit…dizzy. Everything was fine though. It had to be perfect. Ranboo had created this whole idea of how the day should go. It could go either good or bad and any in between was foreign.

He waved to Sam and started towards the front door. School was loud and the lights were bright. The popular girls applied lip gloss together and drank coffee. The emo kids scrolled through their phones. Jocks messed around and play fought each other. In the middle of this mess, Ranboo stood looking around for Tubbo and Tommy. Eventually, they spotted the two by the lockers. Tommy was smiling and Tubbo looked…well not the best but he was still talkative.

Ranboo crept over to them hoping to avoid unwanted attention. Tubbo lightened up when he saw Ranboo. Tommy snickered. “You two are so sappy,” he deadpanned “it’s gross.” Tubbo elbowed him in the stomach. “Ignore him, anyways- Hello, Ran.” Ranboo lightly smiled. “Guys, I uhm…can I tell you something…serious?” Tommy and Tubbo both nodded. Taking a moment to compose himself. “I…I go by he/they pronouns.” The duo visibly relaxed.

Tommy spoke up. “Jeez- I thought it was something bad like you were moving away-“ Ranboo paused. “So-…do you uhm..support me?” Tubbo nodded profusely. Tommy agreed. “Of course! That’s fucking- awesome and I’m so glad you told us- pretty pog if you ask me-” Tubbo giggled into his hand. Ranboo rolled his eyes. “Thank you.” Tommy had a bad habit of rambling when he was nervous. Ranboo and Tubbo almost always noticed.

The trio went to their first classes. Ranboo’s heart was filled with warmth. Things were looking up. That’s what they thought at least. He started feeling very anxious. It was loud and overwhelming. Today was supposed to be perfect though. That meant Ranboo was too. They had been trying to sit still more often. Trying not fidget or say things without thinking. Tommy often said he felt impulsive. Ranboo did too. For some reason, it was hard to act ‘right’ in social situations. Sam had explained that it was a common trait of autistic people.

He really didn’t want to get tested but Sam knew what was best. Ranboo secretly knew it was for their own good. His heart was beating rapidly. This was worrying, Ranboo really didn’t want to start crying. They raised their hand. The teacher let him go to the counselors office. This was supposed to be the perfect day. It hadn’t been though. Their jeans felt itchy. The sweaters color was too bright. Okay, maybe he’d lied. Ranboo’s favorite outfit was black sweat pants and a grey hoodie. But that wasn’t what everyone else wore! Today had to be perfect.

That meant Ranboo had to be normal. They talked to the counselor about it. The counselor was kind and supportive of all this. They did end up calling Sam. Ranboo explained his feelings to him. It was a long and emotional conversation. Sam decided that Ranboo needed to have a backup plan. If things got too overwhelming then they needed to know what to do. Sam was proud of Ranboo for talking to the counselor. Tommy and Tubbo texted him later.

They all talked about how to help Ranboo feel more comfortable. This was a difficult talk. Ranboo didn’t know how to set healthy boundaries. Sam told them to ask Aimsey about where to start. They usually good advice about this short of stuff. Ranboo ate dinner with Sam. It was his favorite food, spagetti. And they wore his favorite outfit. Not the other one. Ranboo didn’t have to be perfect. Or have perfect days. Things would be messy and scary.

At least, this time they’d know what to do. Ranboo could focus on healing. He didn’t need to impress anyone. It was okay to be not okay. Sam told them that. Ranboo had to himself that a lot. They struggled to realize that negative emotions weren’t bad to feel. It was better to express them than bottle it all up. Staring at the ceiling, he sighed. Ranboo let their eyes slip shut. Sleep came easily. It had been a long day with lots of lessons to learn. Tomorrow would be better. Ranboo knew it would this time.

Things were changing. Ranboo had come out to everyone and he was comfortable with their own identity. Recently, he had finally gotten tested for ADHD and Autism. Ranboo ended up having both. Sam was supportive and got Ranboo the help they needed. He had a 504 plan at school and Aimsey was helping them few comfortable in social situations.

Tommy and Ranboo had become closer now. They had lots of common interests. Ranboo became friends with Tommy’s brother, Technoblade. He was feeling more in touch with reality. Sure, they still had bad days. Ranboo would struggle to get up and would feel out of place. But he had people that would support them.

Tubbo was still quite a mess. Ranboo didn’t know how to help him. It would be okay. Ranboo was sure that Tubbo would get help eventually. He hoped. Thankfully, Tommy had been nagging Ranboo and Tubbo to sleep over. Ranboo was grateful for it, because Tubbo usually wouldn’t eat.

Sam had been a great dad. Ranboo had finally been able to accept him as such. It was difficult since Ranboo missed their parents. Sometimes, he’d visit the cemetery and talk to them. It was hard to move on but Ranboo hoped it would be what they would’ve wanted. Aimsey had talked to them about that a lot. Ranboo still blamed himself for lots of things including their parent’s death. But he was working through it.

Currently, it was Christmas Eve. Ranboo was sitting next to the fireplace at Tommy’s house. Phil and Sam were whispering about something. Technoblade was sitting near them. They seemed a bit concerned about something. Ranboo ignored it though. Tommy and Tubbo were sipping hot cocoa. They were watching Hallmark movies. Tommy liked to make fun of the sappy plot lines. Ranboo knew he secretly enjoyed them though.

When Tubbo stared at the hot cocoa for too long Tommy elbowed him. Ranboo smiled. They had great friends. Tubbo looked very to Ranboo noticing the smile. “What?” Ranboo just shook his head. “Oh nothing.” Tommy was looking at them now too. “Why’d you say it like that then?” Ranboo snickered and Tommy scowled. “Tell us, asshole.”

Ranboo sighed and gave in. “Fine, I just think you guys are cute.” Tommy looked like he was about to start screaming and Tubbo scrunched up his face. Ranboo stifled a laugh. Tommy punched him in the arm lightly. Soon, Tommy and Ranboo had gotten into a full on pillow fight. Tubbo just watched. Tommy ended up winning because Ranboo couldn’t stop laughing.

Tommy ran over to Technoblade. “Did you see? I won!” Techno rolled his eyes with a smile. Ranboo timidly waved from behind Tommy. “Good job, Theseus.” Techno waved back to Ranboo. Tommy took Ranboo’s wrist pulling him back to the couch. Tubbo giggled at their antics. The trio cuddled up on the couch.

They were worn out from the long day of holiday adventures. Tomorrow would be filled with more smiles and gifts. Ranboo fell asleep resting their head on Tommy’s shoulder, who had Tubbo asleep on his other shoulder. The movie ended but none of them were awake to see it. Snow covered the ground outside.

It was chilly out there but warm inside. Ranboo had peaceful dreams of drawing and writing stories. He loved doing that. Ranboo had gotten good grades and joined the fencing team. Things were truly looking up. They were going to be the next big thing. Maybe this year wasn’t so bad.

:-:-:-: Tubbo :-:-:-:

Tubbo was an average kid. He didn’t have any tragic backstory like Tommy or Ranboo. He had normal parents. In theory, he had no reason to be upset. But for some reason, he couldn’t stop being so selfish. He always wanted more than he got, than he needed…than he deserved.

It was a mystery to Tubbo how Ranboo and Tommy could put up with him. The trio had been friends through everything. It was inevitable that one day, Tubbo would pay his toll. That he’d need to ask for help. Of course, he’d avoid this situation as much as possible. In the end, he needed it though.

The situation had started a while ago. Long before Tubbo met Tommy and Ranboo. He had been the first to go to this high school.

The first to live in this horrid town. The first to start falling. But the last to break down. Tubbo couldn’t eat. It started when his parents started leaving him alone all the time.

His mom was always busy with work and her drinking friends. His dad went on excessive work trips and Tubbo was left to fend for himself. It was fine. He was twelve. That was plenty old enough to be home alone.

Except, Tubbo was constantly alone. He started to forget to eat and sleep. It was obvious he was depressed.

Of course, his parents didn’t care. The day he got diagnosed with depression at the doctor’s office was a sad day. His parents shoved medications into his hands.

Tubbo spent his days trying to stay afloat with only pills. He lost weight and cried almost every night. But Tubbo couldn’t give up. He’d be selfish for that. His parents already thought he was pathetic enough.

Tubbo met Ranboo first. Ranboo was anxious and sad a lot. He didn’t hide it very well. But Tubbo was glad for Ranboo. They were his best friend at the time.

Tubbo was happy to be the therapist friend. He cared for everyone else so much. It was funny that he couldn’t return it towards himself. It was honestly hilarious how fucking useless he was.

Tommy was a mess of emotions. Tubbo remembered when Tommy ran away. It was a difficult week. Ranboo had been confirmed to be ADHD and autistic later on. The year passed by fast.

Tubbo tried to keep his issues buried. But things started to fall apart quickly. It mostly began with granola bars. Yea, granola bars. Tubbo knew it sounded stupid.

He hated those things. Tommy or Ranboo had become concerned about his eating habits. They were trying to encourage Tubbo to eat more.

He was trying not to cry every time they gave him one. Tubbo wasn’t used to people caring about him. He usually just took more antidepressants if people started to notice.

It all started in February. It was the bleak, cold winter. Tubbo found himself more tired and depressed then. He had thought about ending his life a couple times. It was okay though. Tubbo could hold on.

He woke up with his phone alarm. Sometimes, Tubbo wanted to just go back to sleep. There was no point. But Tommy and Ranboo would get worried. Tubbo had to take care of them.

He forced himself to get up. Every bone in his body felt old. Tubbo felt like gravity hated him. It was always pulling him down. He was sinking into the earth. Tubbo could handle it. He always did.

As usual, Tubbo wore a green long sleeve shirt. He hadn’t done it in a while but Tubbo had scars. It was a bad habit but sometimes it was all he had. Tubbo wore jeans. He didn’t have sensory issues, thankfully.

Tubbo brushed out his hair. His bangs were starting to cover his eyes. He sighed. The mirror was his worst enemy. It liked to make all his insecurities just pop out right at him. Tubbo wiped tears out of his eyes and walked away.

He was always crying lately. It was a problem. Hopefully, it wouldn’t happen at school again. Tubbo had failed a math test. It was on slope. He felt so stupid. Math was supposed to be his good subject. English sucked too.

He was dyslexic. This made that class a waking nightmare. Tubbo had started crying about the math test. He thought people might’ve noticed. But he went to the bathroom anyway.

Tommy and Ranboo asked about his red eyes later. He played it off as not getting a good nights sleep. Tubbo grabbed his backpack. It was heavy with study material which he never actually used.

Usually, Tubbo slept all the time he wasn’t at school. Unless he had a sleepover at Tommy’s or Ranboo’s house. Phil and Sam were both nice people.

Tubbo didn’t seem to understand their kindness towards him. He just nodded along and forced a smile. But it didn’t make any sense. Tubbo was unlovable. He didn’t understand how they could treat him so….nicely? It was weird.

The cold air nipped at his cheeks, turning them red. He walked to school everyday. No one was there to drive him. Tubbo anxiously scratched at his hands. He had a bad habit of scratching himself till he bled.

The doctors said it was anxiety related behavior but his parents didn’t want to get him tested. They did anyway. More medicine to shove down his throat. His parents never took him to a therapist though. Tubbo knew he’d cry if he saw one.

He walked into the school building relishing in the warmth. Tommy waved at him. Tubbo walked up to his locker which was nearby Tommy’s and Ranboo’s lockers. Ranboo gave a shy smile. “Hey, guys.” Tubbo mumbled shoving his books in his locker.

Tommy dug through his own backpack. He pulled out a granola bar. Tubbo couldn’t handle that today. He shook his head. Tommy and Ranboo shared a worried glance behind his back. “Tubbo, please. Just a little bit?” Ranboo requested.

Tubbo felt the guilt wash over him. But he couldn’t. “I’m sorry.” Tommy frowned and elbowed Ranboo. The two nodded and Tubbo started to get paranoid. They were talking about something and it was about Tubbo. Except, he wasn’t part of the conversation.

Gripping his science books, Tubbo forced a smile. “I’m gonna head to first class.” Ranboo gave a light smile and followed with him since they had the same first class. Tommy gave Ranboo one last look. Ranboo gave him the affirmative. Tubbo felt his anxiety strengthening.

Science class was boring. Tubbo felt exhausted since he barely slept at all. He took notes anyway. The classroom phone rang. Tubbo payed no mind to it, still copying the notes. That was until the teacher handed him a blue pass. “The counselor wants to see you.”

His heart was in his throat. Tubbo glanced at Ranboo who looked really guilty. He grabbed the pass and went to the hallway. His hands were trembling like crazy. The counselor had asked to see him? Tubbo felt like Tommy had something to do with that.

The counselor was a nice man. He had bright eyes and black hair. Tubbo knocked on the door. The man opened the door with a flashy smile. “Come in, Tubbo.” He sat down at the chair and tried not to start crying.

The counselor whose name tag said Mr. Quackity sat down across from him. Tubbo exhaled and began talking. “So, uhm am I in trouble?” Mr. Quackity shook his head. “Not at all. It had come to my attention that you may have a problem though.”

Tubbo felt like he was going to throw up. He fidgeted with his trying to keep them from shaking. Mr. Quackity seemed to be taking note of this. Tubbo wasn’t very reassured by what Mr. Quackity said either. He spoke up again. “And what would that be?” His voice wavered with a growing panic.

Mr. Quackity gave him a sad look. Tubbo wanted to scream and cry at the same time. “Someone has suspected that you may be dealing with an eating disorder.” Mr. Quackity said. Tubbo did exactly what he thought he would. He burst into tears.

If you told Tubbo that he’d be having a mental breakdown in the counselor’s office, he might not have been surprised. But he didn’t think it would happen so soon.

The truth has its ways of coming out though. So, here we are. Mr. Quackity had seen many kids cry in his office. Tubbo was probably the least expected though.

Originally, Mr. Quackity had been arranging some new posters for the walls. That was until he got a knock on the door. It was Tommy which he wasn’t really that shocked by. Tommy had a lot of things he needed help with. Thankfully, he had lots of people to do that. Mr. Quackity sat down and talked to Tommy. The conversation went something like this. “So what seems to be the problem today?” Tommy sighed like he had some really horrible news.

He then proceeded to confess the events of the past couple weeks. “I think Tubbo has an eating disorder. We try to make him eat at least something but lately it’s gotten worse. He avoids eating at all costs! But he just won’t talk to us about it.” Mr. Quackity nodded along. He hadn’t really expected Tubbo to have an eating disorder. That kid was always so cheery.

He was always eager to help others and be a good friend. Mr. Quackity had noticed that the kid was very skittish and apologetic a lot. But he didn’t think much of it. Tommy looked absolutely heart broken so Mr. Quackity agreed to talk to Tubbo. Which he could tell wasn’t going well considering Tubbo was sobbing. Mr. Quackity did his best to comfort Tubbo.

“You aren’t in trouble! I promise.” Tubbo sniffled and wiped his tears away. Mr. Quackity rubbed his temples. This was going to be a difficult conversation. Tubbo was gripping the chair to try to force his hands to stop shaking. He felt like he was going to pass out from fear. No one was supposed to find out. Tubbo was supposed to fix his problem himself. It wasn’t anyone else’s jobs.

Mr. Quackity took a deep breath. “Okay, so I’m assuming this allegation is true based on your reaction. Tubbo frowned but nodded. Mr. Quackity took a second to prepare himself. Kids really didn’t like it when he told them he had to tell their parents. “Tubbo, I know you probably don’t want to. But I’m going to have to calm your parents.” Tubbo his breathing halt.

His parents would never pick up. But also, they wouldn’t care. Tubbo felt his heart crumple up. “They wouldn’t pick up. They have work.” Mr. Quackity gave him a pitying glance. Tubbo wanted a hole to open in the ground and swallow him up. Mr. Quackity made a decision. “Okay. Okay. That’s fine but you need to tell some adult in your life about this.” Tubbo really didn’t want to. He didn’t know what to do.

“I can’t.” He blurted out instead. Mr. Quackity clicked his pen. “Tubbo, is there anyone taking care of you?” Ah, there it is. The big question. Tubbo didn’t want to answer it. He shook his head. The room was starting to fade into static. Tubbo had passed it before but this was different. He’d seen Tommy and Ranboo have anxiety attacks but Tubbo never had an anxiety attack in front of anyone before. His eyes felt like they were burning.

Mr. Quackity knew the signs from a mile away. He’d helped many students through anxiety attacks. “Tubbo, listen to me. You need to breathe. Can you tell me five things you can see?” Tubbo looked around the room and managed to mumbled a couple things. “You, the w-wall, posters, your desk, coffee cups….” Mr. Quackity sighed with relief. “That’s good. Now, can you name four things you can hear.”

“Your voice, my voice, t-the air conditioning, your pen.” Tubbo muttered nervously. Mr. Quackity noticed that he was clicking his pen still and he stopped. “Okay, three things you can feel?” Tubbo exhaled shakily. “This chair, my heart beating, my shirt.” Mr. Quackity nodded noticing Tubbo was slowly calming down. “Alright, two things you can smell?” Tubbo replied quietly. “The candles, and uhm…the cafeteria.”

Mr. Quackity smiled and went through the last question. “Good job. One thing you can taste?” Tubbo thought for a moment. “Blood…I think I bit my tongue.” Mr. Quackity let himself relax. ‘This poor kid.’ He thought. “It’ll be okay. But you do need  to see if you can find someone to talk to by the end of this week.” Tubbo sadly nodded. He didn’t want to tell someone. He didn’t want to tell anyone! Now, he had to worry about that and talking to his friends. Tommy and Ranboo had clearly been thinking about this for a while.

Tubbo was afraid so he did what he knew how to do. He’d avoid them. Mr. Quackity dismissed him. Apparently, he’d missed his first class almost completely. It was second period now. Tubbo could feel all his energy draining away. Considering he barely ate, that wasn’t a surprise. He got his other books from his locker and went through the rest of his classes. Thankfully, it was easy to ignore Tommy and Ranboo in class. They needed to take lots of notes or the lecture would be a blur later.

The lunch bell rang and Tubbo decided he’d sit in the library. It wasn’t like he’d eat anyway. Before he got the chance though, Tommy had already came over to him. ‘Shit! I’m cornered.’ Tubbo thought. Ranboo joined Tommy and the two of them made eye contact. Tubbo felt like he was about to get beat up. “Uh hey, guys. I was gonna go to the library for lunch.” Ranboo scowled at that idea. Apparently, it wasn’t believable.

It’s not like Tubbo could read the books without a certain formatting. He was really annoyed about that. But he’d gotten better at reading. Some words were really hard though. Tommy also didn’t like this because he did that disappointed sigh thing that Techno did. Tubbo had seen them both do it at the same time and it would honestly be hilarious if not the circumstances. Tommy spoke up finally. “I assume you know that talked to the counselor.”

Tubbo felt his knees quiver. If there was anyone Tubbo did not want to talk to about this, it was Tommy. Tubbo finally snapped. He was tired and afraid. This was the best he could do. “Why would you do that?!” His eyes were still teary from the counselor’s office and Tubbo thought he might cry again. Tommy looked taken aback. Ranboo shrunk back. Tubbo rarely got upset. They knew they’d struck a nerve.

“Because we’re scared! You won’t eat and it’s killing you!” Tommy yelled back, his voice cracking with concern. Tubbo pushed Tommy out of his way and ran past him. Ranboo and Tommy called after him but Tubbo was already gone. He could be a fast runner when he wanted to be. Tubbo burst through the library doors. The librarian shushed him. He whispered an apology and went to sit at one of the tables.

Lunch passed by quickly and Tubbo found himself zoning out the whole time. All his classes for the rest of the day felt like a blur. Tommy and Ranboo kept giving him sad looks. Tubbo ignored them. He felt bad about it but really didn’t feel like talking about his feelings. Tubbo was better at comforting other people. It was okay. He liked not having the spotlight on him. Sometimes, he’d complain about bullies or mean kids at school. But he never talked about any of his real issues without making it a joke or about someone else.

Finally, the last bell rang. Tubbo followed his usual routine. He went home through the cold, windy afternoon weather. The heater at his house worked very well, thankfully. Tubbo let himself cry the second he got home. He collapsed into his bed and hugged his pillow. Sometimes, he’d wished it was his friends but they only  hugged at sleepovers. Tubbo really wanted a hug right now. He was never a touchy person but to be fair, he’d never really been around that many people who he could just hug. Tubbo never really had many friends until Tommy and Ranboo. His eyes shut slowly and Tubbo let sleep take him away.

Tubbo woke up the next morning feeling worse than he did yesterday. His stomach felt like nothing. He couldn’t really notice how hungry he was besides for the pounding headache and shaking hands. Tubbo swallowed hard, his throat was dry.

It felt like the Sahara desert but cold and empty. Tubbo knew what that felt like very well. It was Tuesday. His alarm had shaken him up a bit. Tubbo knew he had to find an adult to talk to by the end of the week. He really hated that thought. By the end of the week, Tubbo would be forced to eat. That was what happened when people got involved. They made his problems their own.

It was no one else’s business that Tubbo had eating issues. Not that he did. Definitely not. Tubbo was completely fine just the way he was. His friends didn’t agree though. Tubbo grit his teeth thinking about them. He loved his friends but sometimes they made him want to scream.

After getting ready, Tubbo grabbed his backpack and slung it over his shoulders. He let out a heavy sigh and opened the door. The cold air blew into his face. Tubbo could feel his lungs burning. Lately, that’s how everything felt. It was burning and falling apart right in front of him. Except, Tubbo couldn’t do anything to stop it.

He made his way to the highschool. Tubbo hesitated before opening the door. Gripping the handing and swinging it open, he forced a smile. It was dimmer than usual but Tubbo couldn’t manage any more. This was the best he could do. Tubbo went straight to his locker and tried not to cry.

He was so very tired. This was all so exhausting. Everyday, getting up and trying to pretend like everything was fine. Tubbo wondered if everyone felt the same way. He knew that Google always gave him links to suicide or eating disorder hotlines. That must’ve said something about his mental health.

Of course, Tubbo did have depression so maybe this was just another symptom. He didn’t care much to tell anyone else about all these questions. Tubbo just wanted to have a normal day at school and go back home to sleep. But no, why would Tubbo ever have a normal day? Why would he ever deserve that?

Tubbo slammed his locker shut and came face to face with his friends. ‘Lucky me.’ Tubbo thought. He clenched his books tightly to his chest. Tommy looked less angry but more worried. Ranboo’s eyes were red. He had been crying. Tubbo had made them cry. He felt like a horrible person.

Tommy huffed and grabbed Tubbo’s shoulders. “Please don’t push us away. I know you’re scared, Tubbo. I’ve been there! But you can’t try and make us leave because we won’t.” Ranboo nodded along solemnly. Tubbo could feel his eyes burning with tears. He blinked and turned away.

Tubbo felt the tears run down his cheeks. Taking his hand, he rubbed them away. Tommy pulled Tubbo into a hug. Ranboo joined too. It took all Tubbo’s might to stop crying. “I’m sorry.” He mumbled shakily. Tommy shushed him immediately. “Nope. No apologies necessary.” Slowly, the trio let go of each other.

The warning bell rang and Tubbo gave them a light smile. They returned it. Tubbo rushed off to his class. He really to find an adult to tell. Tubbo wrote down messy notes, trying to focus on the class. His hands were shaking a lot. Tubbo felt his head rushing. ‘Shit!’ He thought.

This had happened before but not in school. Tubbo had passed out three times. Twice at home and once at Tommy’s house. It had been really embarrassing. Tubbo could see the black spots dancing in his vision. He heard a voice, it sounded far away.  His breathing was slowing down. Tubbo’s head slammed into his desk.

The next thing he knew, Tubbo woke up in the infirmary. He sat upright quickly. The nurse turned around. She looked very worried. “Tubbo Underscore, you gave everyone quite a scare.” He frowned and muttered an apology. The nurse sighed. “From what we heard, you passed out due to lack of nutrition. We notified your parents but they have not replied. I will let you return to class after you rest for another half hour and eat something.” Tubbo felt himself start to feel sick. “No.” He retorted without thinking. The nurse looked confused. “What?” He thought for a moment. “I’m sick. I passed out because I didn’t eat, because I’m sick.” The nurse raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure?” Tubbo nodded.

The nurse scribbled down something on a sheet of paper. “Alright. I suppose since your parents won’t pick up any call, you will have to either go to class or stay here.” Tubbo immediately interrupted her. “Go to class!” She paused and Tubbo swore he saw her flinch. “Alright then. But you have to eat something first.” Tubbo gulped, he hadn’t prepared for this. Maybe, just maybe, Tubbo could eat a little bit. “Fine.” The nurse smiled and handed him a nutrition bar. “This should give you enough calories.” He force a smile and waited for her to turn around. Tubbo flipped the bar over to see the calorie count. It wasn’t too much but to Tubbo, it felt far too high. He decided to eat half and fold over the rest.

Tubbo took slow calculated bites. The nurse made calls and organized papers. He finished half of the nutrition bar and threw the rest away. “I’m done. May I go back to class please?” The nurse nodded. “Yea, of course. Be safe.” He exhaled and walked back to class. It was study hall now. Tubbo had study hall with Tommy and Ranboo. This would be interesting. He opened the door. All eyes pointed right at him. Tubbo thought he might faint again. He made his way to his desk. Tommy and Ranboo were concerned. The second he sat down, Tommy elbowed him. “What the hell is wrong with you?! You could’ve died!” Ranboo shot Tommy a glare. They took Tubbo’s hands in his. “Tubbo Underscore, you seriously need help. Please let us help you.”

Tubbo frowned and felt a wave of shame pash over him. He knew Ranboo was right. But now, Tubbo just felt broken. Everyone was so worried about him. They thought he was broken. Tubbo knew they were right. He was broken. Nobody could fix him! Tubbo was a horrible, terrible human being. He had been pushing himself where he didn’t belong.

Making everyone else pity him! Tubbo could feel his hands shaking. Tommy calmly spoke. “Hey, it’s okay. Sorry for yelling. Please don’t panic. You haven’t done anything wrong.” Tubbo knew he was lying. The rest of the class passed by quickly. He zoned out mostly. Finally, the last bell rang.

Tubbo started walking to his locker. Tommy followed him. “Hey, we have a sleepover tonight. Remember?” Tubbo paused. He really didn’t want to go to Tommy’s house. Ranboo was patiently waiting for them. They all usually walked to Tommy’s house together. Tubbo nodded. “Yeah.” Tommy smiled and the trio exited the school. Ranboo was talking to Tommy about sleepover plans. Tubbo was still trying to comprehend how the past two days had gone. He only three days left to find a solution.

His hands were shaking. Tubbo felt scared. He didn’t want to tell anyone. But Mr. Quackity would definitely call his parents. If that happened, Tubbo would be screwed. They already dealt with enough of his bullshit. He sighed and entered Tommy’s house. This was fine. Tubbo slipped his shoes off. He could handle this. Everything was fine. Tubbo could convince himself.

Tommy started excitedly talking to Techno. They got along pretty well. Tommy still felt inferior sometimes. Tubbo knew he wasn’t as strong as he seemed. Ranboo was happily listening along. They also were good friends with Techno. Tubbo never really talked to Tommy’s family besides thanking them or apologizing. He had a bad habit of doing that. Phil walked into the room. “Hey guys. What would you like for dinner?”

Tubbo thought his soul might leave his body. He had already eaten far too much today. Anything else felt impossible. Tommy spoke up. “Hmm pizza?” Ranboo smiled and agreed. Now, they were looking at him. Tubbo wanted to curl up and disappear. He nodded. Tommy frowned for a second but smiled again. Phil went off to make pizza. Tubbo fidgeted with his hands. The trio went to play truth or dare. Techno went back to ready some book about war. Tubbo slowly relaxed a bit as the attention shifted off of him.

He played truth or dare for a while. Nobody but Tommy picked dare. That was interesting to watch. Tubbo couldn’t help but laugh. Finally, the pizza was ready. Tubbo could feel his anxiety come back. He hadn’t taken much medication lately. Tubbo was sick of feeling numb. Even if there were some not so good side effects. He knew there were risks and Tubbo could feel himself slipping back into old habits. Sadly, this was how it was going to be.

Tubbo couldn’t handle the empty feelings. They were worse than anything. Plus no one else got hurt. Tubbo sat in between Tommy and Ranboo. He stared at the pizza. It glared back at him. Tubbo didn’t care about calories that much.

Sometimes, if things got really bad, he’d start counting. But Tubbo just generally struggled to eat because he forgot or felt too tired. His appetite rarely showed up. If it did, Tubbo felt horribly guilty when he ate. He avoided letting himself indulge. His hair was grown out so his bangs could cover his eyes a bit. Tubbo brushed his hair out of his face.

Tommy was giving him the look. Ranboo was too. They tended to copy each other. Tubbo knew they had the whole fake enemies thing going on but they were pretty close. He couldn’t help but feel like he was slowly fading out of their friend group. Tubbo felt like he was fading away in general. He continued to stare at the pizza. Of course, Tubbo didn’t want to be rude so he took a little bite. Tommy and Ranboo went back to talking. Tubbo felt too tired to talk anyway.

He was still wondering who he trusted enough to talk about this to. No one. Tubbo barely even trusted himself. There wasn’t a chance that anyone wanted to have to deal with him. He decided to make a mental list. Tubbo could tell Phil or Sam. They were some of the adults he knew. Besides his parents. Tubbo felt like crying just thinking about telling them. They already did too much for him. Tubbo was just some random kid. He didn’t matter! Why were they acting like he did then? Dinner finally ended.

Tubbo sighed and picked up his plate. He took about one bite in total. This was pathetic. Phil seemed to notice this. He had been talking to Sam about Tubbo lately. The kid never really seemed to eat and they’d never talked to his parents. It seemed like he didn’t really have anyone to rely on. Phil gently took Tubbo’s plate. “Why don’t we save this for later? Just incase you get hungry.” Tubbo nodded but didn’t look him in the eyes.

Phil frowned as Tubbo walked back over to Tommy and Ranboo. Something was up with that kid. Phil knew it wasn’t just a little problem. Tubbo went back to listening to Tommy and Ranboo playfully argue. They were talking about pineapple on pizza again. They had argued about it many times. He usually agreed that it was gross but Tubbo personally hated pizza either way. Tommy fought in favor of no pineapple. Ranboo loved pineapple on pizza. They were getting pretty worked up. Tubbo smiled a bit. He could forget about his problems for just a little while.

The sun set completely long ago. It was late into the night hours. Almost morning and they all still had school. The rules for sleepovers on school nights was none went past midnight. Tubbo had no problem with that considering he would usually be sleeping the second he got home. The three of them built a blanket fort and Tubbo started to doze off. He heard a couple voices talking in hushed tones but Tubbo couldn’t understand them. Finally, sleep pulled him under.

Tubbo had dreams that night. He was standing in the middle of an open field. The air was cool but warmer. Grass blew against his legs. Tubbo started to walk around. His parents were there. They were on a phone call. Tubbo felt his heart constrict. Tubbo could hear voices. He felt the ground start to shake. Cracks appeared in the ground and Tubbo fell through them. Letting out a scream, he jolted awake to Tommy shaking him.

There were tears across his face. Tubbo didn’t completely register what was happening. Tommy let go of him. It seemed like the whole house hold had woken up from Tubbo’s nightmare. He rubbed tears away and swallowed hard. “I am so sorry-“ Ranboo interrupted him. “Shush, Tubbo. No ones upset. But uhm…what happened?” Tubbo frowned and fidgeted with his hands. “Just a nightmare.” Phil spoke up. “Do you want to talk about it?” Tubbo shook his head quickly. Techno muttered something about going back to sleep. Tommy took Tubbo’s hand and gave it a light squeeze.

He felt so embarrassed. Tubbo shivered from the touch. “I’m sorry about that.” Ranboo shook their head. Tommy made eye contact with Tubbo. “It’s fine. Just try to get some sleep, big man.” Tubbo could hear the irritation in his voice. He felt horrible. Phil nodded at them and walked off. The blanket fort was still intact thankfully. Tubbo laid his head back on one of the pillows. He wouldn’t be sleeping again tonight. The thoughts came back. The angry ones that told him he wasn’t good enough. Tubbo shut his eyes trying not to cry.

Tommy and Ranboo fell back asleep soon after. Tubbo continued to stare at the wall with shame. The sun took forever to rise and Tubbo knew that he had to find someone to tell. He only had today and two more days. Tubbo really didn’t want to tell anyone. It would much easier to keep hiding. But he had to. Tubbo did not want Mr. Quackity to call his parents. That would be worse than anything. At least, if things went wrong. Tubbo could always lock himself in his house. It didn’t feel like much of a home. Just a building. Tubbo still had it as an option though. The sun lit up the sky.

School went as usual. Tubbo decided that it was time. He had to tell an adult. Things were getting too hard. Plus, Tommy and Ranboo had offered to help him. After the last bell rang, Tubbo walked to Tommy’s house. He had decided to tell Phil considering Tommy had said that Phil had helped Tommy with his mental health. Ranboo agreed with this knowing that Sam tended to get really anxious about things. It was a rough day when Ranboo told Sam about his bad thoughts. Tubbo took a deep breath. He wasn’t ready for this. Tommy said things types of conversations were never going to feel right. He explained that it would never be something Tubbo would be ready for.

Tubbo thought Tommy had gotten increasingly mature. Although, he still made inappropriate jokes. Tubbo could tell he had grown in the past year. So had Ranboo, they’d figured out lots of things. Mental health, Gender identity issues, and grief but Ranboo had powered through it. Tubbo was proud. His friends were truly strong and amazing people. He was lucky to have them. Even if he didn’t feel deserving. Tubbo knocked on the door. Tommy and Ranboo held his hands.

Phil opened the door. “Oh hello. I didn’t expect all of you?” He looked to Tommy. Tommy sighed. “Tubbo has to talk to you about something important. He can’t talk to his parents about it.” Tubbo nodded nervously. Phil glanced at Tubbo who was actually making eye contact. “Alright…come in, you three.” The trio went inside and Tubbo swallowed hard. This wasn’t going to be easy.

He sat on the couch in between Tommy and Ranboo. Phil sat across from them. “Alright. Well, an explanation would be nice.” Tubbo agreed. “Yeah. I uhm…sorry about this.” Tommy elbowed him. “It’s a long story.” Phil nodded encouraging him to explain. “Go on.” Tubbo proceeded to confess the events of the past couple days. Phil slowly began to look more concerned. Finally, he spoke up. “Okay, why y you tell your parents though?” Tubbo gripped his jeans with his hands.

“They aren’t around very often.” Tommy and Ranboo gasped quietly. Ranboo turned to him. “You should’ve said something.” Tubbo frowned. “They wouldn’t have left me alone if I didn’t deserve it.” He blurted regretting it immediately. Tommy grabbed his hands. “Nope. You do not get to say that. Tubbo, I don’t know where you got this bullshit from but it’s not true!” Phil didn’t even tell Tommy off for swearing. He finally looked back at Tubbo. “That isn’t okay. Your parents should not be leaving you alone. That’s neglect.” Tubbo felt his chest get tight and heavy.

“I don’t know what else to do.” Phil smiled lightly. “You can stay with us. I’m sure your parents won’t mind.” He seemed angry but not at Tubbo. “As for the eating problems, we can find you someone to talk to.” Tubbo nodded. He knew he’d be okay. For once, Tubbo trusted someone else. That they would take care of things for him. He said goodbye to Ranboo. They left to go home. Tommy decided that Tubbo was sharing a room with him. They apparently had extra mattresses. Tubbo said many thank you’s. The sun set but this time Tubbo didn’t feel so lonely. He’d get his stuff tomorrow. Tonight, he could rest well.