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"Do you have any regrets?"
It was a sudden question Reo had asked Nagi right before they fell asleep. Nagi languidly turns over in his bed so that he could face Reo properly, whom was lying on his back and staring absent-mindedly at the ceiling.
Nagi doesn't answer back.
He's sure that if Reo had asked the Nagi he met for the first time this, he'd immediately say no. He'd then drawl on, to regret something you did means feeling bad over something you did, which requires you to think back on it, and thinking's a hassle. And to some degree, he still agrees with that mentality.
But, recently, he's come to learn that some things are worth the hassle— some people— one person. Yes, that's right, one person.
"Yes," is all that Nagi answers back with.
Reo fidgets in place. The hand that was atop his chest clenches into a fist. Did he not like Nagi's answer?
"I thought you'd say that," Reo says with a small scoff to his words.
Nagi doesn't know what to say back. So, instead, he questions Reo. "What do you mean?"
Reo shifts over so that he's also facing Nagi, but they were both at an awkward angle, since their beds were placed in a triangular formation. Neither of the two mind how they talk in a room shared with Chigiri. "Well..." Reo starts, and his small, neat brows are furrowed together, and there's a frown on Reo's lips.
So Reo isn't happy, Nagi finally comes to. Seeing Reo without a smile was a pretty uncommon sight to Nagi, and he doesn't like it. He much prefers when Reo smiles. Not only because it was easy to read for Nagi— a smile meant that Reo was currently happy— but he simply liked it when Reo smiled. He had a pretty smile.
But right now he's frowning, and Nagi doesn't know how to read that.
"I know I'm the reason why you have some regrets," Reo finally continues, and Nagi's eyes widen. Did he realize that Nagi regrets what he said to him before, and that he's sorry he hurt Reo and didn't understand him completely then?
Nagi feels relieved. He knew the two of them would soon enough get back onto the same page again, just as they were back in Hakuho Academy. He just had to listen to Reo, to wait for him, because Reo knows him best. "You know?" He breathes out. Of course Reo does, why does he even ask? He's so glad Reo's giving him the space to apologize properly.
Reo, however, almost shrinks into himself. He curls his legs just a small fraction closer to his stomach, and his arms sort of tighten around himself. "I realized after... after Second Selection..." Reo murmurs.
Nagi feels a weight lift off his chest. He feels lighter, knowing that this was exactly what the two of them needed now.
"And I'm sorry."
But then the weight comes crashing back down onto Nagi at that. Reo's sorry? For what? The fact that Nagi doesn't know means that he's wrong, they're not on the same page right now. Why not?
At Nagi's stunned silence, though, Reo sees it as a sign to continue. "I know that I've forced lots of regrets onto you, and I'm sorry," Reo says more clearly, but it has the opposite effect and confuses Nagi even more. "I shouldn't have dragged you alongside my dream and pushed my ideals onto you this whole journey—"
What? Sure, that's how it felt at first, but surely you don't think it's still that way, Reo? This has always been our dream. You know that, don't you?
Even despite Nagi's thundering thoughts, Reo kept speaking, leaving them unheard.
"Worse than that, I also... tried to weigh you down with my emotions, let them get in the way of everything, and I'm sorry for that—"
No, Reo, that never happened. What are you talking about? I'm the one who let my anger get in the way. I'm the one who should be apologizing right now.
"I see how you've changed so much, and I want the same for me. But, we can't do that if we have regrets hanging over our heads, you know—?"
Reo, what kind of regret do you think you are to me? I regret not being able to understand you better, not any of this...
"In order for you to achieve your dream and for me my own, I thought I'd apologize. So... again, I'm sorry."
Nagi feels breathless despite the fact that he didn't utter a single thought whirring around in his mind. His head thrums with how quickly it works, and yet his lips are frozen in place.
Reo— just like every other time, Nagi's barely realizing, as they really weren't in tune with one another, not in the way he always believed— hears nothing. His bottom lip slightly quivers at Nagi's loud silence. "No good?" He tries to joke, not being able to meet Nagi's eyes for a second longer.
"Is that what you really think, Reo?" Nagi slowly asks. And there's a pang in his chest that he has to, because he truly does need this confirmation to come directly from Reo, as he isn't feeling what Reo is. It's a pain, he realizes easily enough, because calling things as the pain they were was always easy to Nagi. This was a different type of pain, though, it hurt.
"'Think'?" Reo parrots with an incredulous tone. "I know that's why you abandoned me. But, it's okay, because I wanted tha—"
Nagi can't bear to hear another word wrongly spill out of Reo's mouth, and for the first time in Nagi's life, he jumps out of bed. It's clearly a miraculous sight, because Reo immediately shoots up to sit straight a second after Nagi stands, whisper-yelling, "Nagi, did you fall out of bed!?"
He doesn't humor the question neither spare Reo another second to process before he very uncooly flops onto Reo, knocking the boy back with a small "oof!" His arms are tightly wrapped around Reo's neck and shoulders, clutching onto him like a lifeline, as Nagi buries his face into the crook of Reo's neck.
Reo blinks, startled from the sudden light tackling from Nagi. He tries to angle and tilt his head to see Nagi's expression, but the boy is too nuzzled into Reo's neck to peek. "Nagi?" Reo sputters out, his hands instinctively placing onto Nagi's back and holding him there. "What are you doing? Did you trip?"
"Why do you keep excusing everything I do?" Nagi immediately retorts, his voice a bit muffled and hot against Reo's skin.
Reo pauses at that. "What excuses, Nagi? I'm just—"
"No," Nagi interrupts Reo, and he thinks it's the first time he's ever done so outwardly with words. "You are. It's like... you came up with this whole scenario so you could put the blame on yourself. Why? I don't get it."
There's a small flicker that tightens at Reo's chest. "What's that supposed to mean?" He sharply asks. And while he's shocked at Nagi's outburst, he also means what he asks, because what is Nagi trying to say? "I'm saying it as it happened, Nagi. You don't leave someone behind if you didn't blame them for something." He adds on more defensively, his jaw tensing up just a bit.
Nagi holds Reo closer, almost like he didn't like how Reo responded. "I mean exactly what I say, unlike you, Reo," he says back, but it's meekly, not as if he were uncertain with what he says, but he just says it delicately. Reo spoke in riddles to Nagi, after all.
That only ticks Reo off more. "What do you want from me then?" He grits out through now clenched teeth. Doesn't Nagi realize that he's saying all of this for him— for them? And he has the audacity to hold attitude during such a time? "Are you doubting my apology now? Or, what, you think I should be blaming you instead? Last time I did that, Nagi, you made it painfully clear that you didn't care and just found me to be a hassle."
Nagi's stomach churns at that, because there was that mention again. You abandoned me, you said you didn't care, you called me a hassle— it all roots back to what Nagi told Reo then, to his true regret that Reo is allowing him a path consequence-free from. It's so obviously all his own fault, and yet Reo...
"Why did you let me say those things?" Nagi shakily asks.
Reo doesn't notice the tremble in his voice, though, instead his fingers grasp into the back of Nagi's pajama top as he tries to pull Nagi off. "How can you say I just let you? Do you know how hard it was for me to accept your words?"
For the first time, Reo tries to break off their hug, and also for the first time, Nagi doesn't let him. "That's not what I mean and you know it, Reo, you should. Why aren't you getting it?"
"Because you're not telling me!" Reo scoffs, finally being able to pry Nagi off of him, but he freezes with both his hands on Nagi's shoulders as he sees his expression.
Nagi always, always wore the same neutral expression with a permanent pout on his lips. Now, though, his frown was obviously noticeable, and his eyes lacked that lazy daze to them. They were wide with emotion swimmed in them, but Reo couldn't tell what exactly. "You're right," Nagi starts, and Reo's own eyes widen where he barely now hears how the other boy's words shake. "I didn't think that we'd ever come to the point where you wouldn't be able to understand me and I couldn't you unless we used words. I thought that if it was you, Reo, I wouldn't ever have to express myself with more than a few words. But... that was just me trying to take the simple way, the easy way, to assume you knew what I was thinking so I didn't have to say anything myself."
Reo's stunned. True to Nagi's words, Reo's never heard the boy speak so much before.
"And I'm serious, Reo, you did make up a scenario where you could blame yourself instead of me," Nagi continues. "Because if you didn't, why would you ever think that our dreams were seperate? Didn't you know my dream to crush Isagi was just a small step to us winning the World Cup together? Why are you calling it your own, why are you now trying to exclude me as if you're doing me a favor?"
Reo's mouth feels dry, as if Nagi stole all of his own words, as if they were a shared supply.
Nagi's lips thin, and he takes a moment to regain his breath and thoughts. "No... I know why," he says more softly now. "It's because we weren't in tune with each other. You were giving me hints this entire time, though, weren't you? Telling me to wait, to keep looking down at you, that we were rivals, you were trying to open up to me... unlike me, who would just accept it all without considering what you truly meant. It's true that I... I said you were a hassle and that I didn't care..." Then, almost hesitantly so— which was something that was never considered throughout their relationship, they were never hesitant with one another— he reaches out and holds Reo's hands. "But... saying that I abandoned you... that couldn't be farther from true, Reo. I never abandoned you. I never didn't think about you. I tried to move on alone, but you were always what kept me moving either way."
Reo's breath hitches and his own emotions swim in his eyes, close to that of disbelief. "Wha... What?" He exhales, his fingers twitching intertwined with Nagi's.
Nagi's face pinches up. "You have to ask...? So you really thought..." he murmurs, so quietly that it was mainly to himself, as his words trail off. He then clears his throat and continues. "When I said those things, I was mad, Reo, but... I realized after that I was being unfair. You were hurt, which hurt me, but I shouldn't have said what I said. I should have just told you how I felt instead of lashing out at you. If I paid attention for just a moment longer, I could've realized that you were also scared of losing our dream. When I realized I was being cruel to you, I wanted— needed— to see you again and tell you, but— but I—" Nagi stops there.
The truth is, he didn't have a good reason for what he cuts off: but I never did end up apologizing. Why didn't he? It was always bothering him, shadowing over his thoughts, and yet he never expressed it. Was he scared to phrase it wrong, so he kept pushing it off until he'd get to the point where he'd just never mention it? Just like now, was he maybe waiting for Reo to give him an opening, to help guide him despite the fact that Nagi wanted to do it himself? Or did he just assume Reo would know, which he's now learned was him just taking advantage of their tranquility to be lazy again? Because that's really all it was to it, Nagi was lazy, so damn lazy.
It's selfish, but Nagi continues. "I want you to help me change, Reo, really change" Nagi's words stumble out, no longer pausing and considering what he says with heavy sentiment, but instead letting them hurriedly pour out from deep within, all without filter. "I don't want to feel like this ever again, I don't want you to be left alone with your thoughts, and I don't want us to misunderstand each other so badly. But I can't— I can't when you're always telling me that I'm perfect just the way I am—"
"So now it's my fault?" Reo cuts in for the first time since Nagi's babbling, his voice being so quiet that his quivering couldn't be heard, but having spoken so bitterly.
"No," Nagi immediately says back with a much firmer, and yet still worriedly tone. "Stop that, Reo. This is exactly what I mean, you can't blame me for even this, and I don't know why. How can you say it's your fault? It's me who's flawed. Be mad at me."
Reo's weak heart shatters in his chest when he sees the first second that Nagi's eyes begin to water. It's the most shocking thing to come from Nagi, more than his words and being the one who initiates touch, to see fresh tears leak from him. And even with how Nagi says that Reo shouldn't coddle him, when Reo places his hands onto Nagi's cheeks, Nagi can't help but place his own on top and press his face closer into Reo's palms, nuzzling into the small affection that he's offered. Nagi isn't outright sobbing, but he's quietly weeping, with more and more tears running down his face into Reo's skin.
"Don't ever let me talk to you like that again when you're hurting," Nagi chokes out. "I'm sorry, Reo, I'm so sorry, 'm sorry."
Reo has to hold himself back from immediately saying, no, it's not your fault, Nagi, you have nothing to apologize for, because no matter how emotions are running high right now, he'd never want his treasure to cry. He knows Nagi doesn't want to hear that, though, and quite frankly, it's not what Reo wants to say, either. While Reo wanted Nagi to move on without him so that he wouldn't hold the other back, he can't help but wonder how different everything would have turned out if Nagi had just reassured him, truly reassured him, even once. Where would they be right now if Nagi had let Reo inside of his mind for once and actually spoke what he thought, even just thirty seconds of a heart to heart conversation?
So, instead, Reo's thumbs gently caress the running tears that slip passed Nagi's eyes. "I forgive you, Nagi," he says, and his voice cracks with it, as his own tears start to water his eyes. Reo didn't realize it'd feel this relieving to hear an apology from Nagi. It's really all he needs, too, because this alone proves to Reo that he isn't as alone like he felt for the past few weeks. Sure, Reo got the words I need you from Nagi before, but now he truly felt it, that Nagi needed him.
Nagi, however, doesn't calm at that. His fingers tightly grasp Reo's own as he wetly mumbles out, "you're crying, Reo? I've never seen you cry before... What did I do wrong? How can you forgive me when you're crying?"
Reo can't help but let out a soft chuckle, his eyes crinkling from his small laugh which causes two of his own tears to run down his face. He should probably keep the fact that he cried when Nagi chose to leave him behind for another day, he doesn't know if the other would be able to handle that information right now. "It's not because of a bad reason or anything, Nagi," Reo weakly offers, pressing his forehead against Nagi's own. "I'm just glad I don't have to try and read your mind anymore."