Work Text:
For you
A few days ago, I was picking up that book you pointed out to me to solve the infestation of Shax demons, and this photo fell out. It reminded me of when we first met, probably because I saw you dressed like that.
I can't stop thinking about our first meetings and how you didn't give in to my no's.
" You'll be lonely all your life, and so will she. Neither of you deserve it. And I don't either,” you told me.
With that ‘I don't either' you had already understood that I was not just someone to help accept himself, maybe you had already guessed that I could be your someone.
I understood what you meant, but I could not really understand what it could mean for my life, but now I know. Looking back, if I had married Lydia, I would have had a friend next to me who was certainly loyal, but I would have felt alone all my life, as you told me. But not only that, when you really love, you are attentive to the needs, to the moods of the person next to you because his well-being is your well-being. Being there, understanding each other, supporting each other when you love makes us better people. This made me a better person.
Again, on the day of my wedding with Lydia, you made an excuse to get me to go to your apartment, and when I accused you of confusing me, you threw the truth in my face:
" Confusion is part of it. That's how you find out if something's there. Emotions are never black and white. They're more like symptoms. You lose your breath every time they enter a room. Your heart beats faster when they walk by. Your skin tingles when they stand close enough to feel their breath. I know you feel what I feel, Alec."
'I know you feel what I feel Alec' you were never afraid to show what you felt for me, what you desired, wanted, what I desired.
I wanted you so much that it was almost painful. If I got to the point of marrying the wrong person instead of giving in to my feelings for you it is only because I grew up as a soldier with traditions and obligations.
I was determined to do what I thought was right, but every time you were next to me, it was as if everyone else disappeared, only you existed, the way you moved, your voice, your scent. You took my breath away, and you still do. My thoughts and words got tangled up.
Then you showed up at my wedding without saying a word, standing in the middle of the aisle.
You looked at me as if you were daring me to ignore you, to ignore what I felt.
You were so beautiful, I could not breathe.
And I gave in to my desires. There were also some representatives of the Clave, but in that moment, I only wanted your lips on mine.
You were my first kiss and you will be my last.
As you will be the only one with whom I shared my nights (and mornings, afternoons, evenings). Now I cannot imagine myself without you, without the physical pleasure I feel in your arms.
I do not know how to finish these lines that I am writing to you because an ‘I love you’ does not contain everything I feel.
Happy Birthday Magnus Lightwood-Bane.
Yours, Alec
