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"Hi, there, sugar. You know what to do, do it with style."
"Oh- Hi! Hello. Good evening. How do you do?"
"First time, sweetheart?"
"I'm sorry, are you enquiring as to whether I have used a phone before?"
"First time calling a phone sex line, actually."
"Oh, oh, right. Yes, um. Yes, I suppose so."
"No need to fret, darling. I don't bite... Not unless you want me to."
"No, there will be no need for that- that sort of behaviour. This is purely a business venture, you see."
"Mmm, sure it is. Tell me, then, what sort of business are you into?"
"Well, you see, I'm the proprietor of a lovely little bookshop, right in the heart of-"
"Mmm, d'you want to do horrible things to me in that bookshop of yours, then? Press me against the shelves, get your hands on my-"
"Not now, dear fellow. Let me finish."
"I'll let you finish, alright, let you finish all over-"
"No, I- Please, just-"
"Fine, alright then. Tell me about this bookshop of yours."
"Right, yes. Thank you. As I was saying, I have a bookshop. It is quite lovely, right on the corner of the street. I have rows upon rows of books and armchairs, tartan ones, and-"
"Darling..."
"Yes, quite right, apologies. I deal with books, you see."
"I gathered."
"Yes. Although, to be perfectly candid, I am not too keen on selling the books. I much prefer the restoration and preservation part of the process, there is nothing more rewarding than seeing the progress you have made, with your own two hands. I received this book, quite re-"
"It's just, you pay by the minute. You do know that, yeah?"
"Ah. Yes, yes, of course. I do apologise."
"Nah, don't worry about it. You like what you do, it's cute."
"..."
"Are you... blushing?"
"I beg your- Of course not!"
"You are, you totally are. I can feel it. Bet your cheeks are all flushed and everything."
"Preposterous."
"Bet you look so adorable right now. Like a little angel, from one of those renaissance paintings."
"An- an angel?"
"Well, seeing as you haven't actually given me a name, or the reason for your business call, I guess angel is as good a name as any."
"Oh, yes. Where are my manners? I do apologise."
"And you apologise too much."
"My name is Aziraphale, it's a pleasure to meet you. Well, speak to you."
"..."
"It is customary for one to offer their name when introductions are made. Or, at the very least, offer some pleasantries."
"A-Aziraphale?"
"Y-yes. Is something the matter?"
"Not at all. No worries, angel."
"Well, now I cannot help but worry. Seeing as you are sounding terribly strangled there, old chap."
"Name's Crowley."
"And am I to assume this is the name you use for these purposes only?"
"All mine, I'm afraid. Mama knew what she was raising."
"Oh, dear Lord."
"Now, She had nothing to do with that."
"Well, nonetheless, it is a pleasure."
"Sure. What did you want to talk about, Aziraphale?"
"Certainly. You see-"
"Short version. Please."
"..."
"..."
"It has recently come to my attention that the phone number your business operates under and my business line are dreadfully similar. It has also been pointed out to me that if one were to simply switch the last two digits of my number, they will instead end up speaking to yourself."
"Holy shit, angel, how did you not run out of brea- Wait, hold on one minute. Are you asking me to change my phone number?"
"No, no, I-"
"'Cause it's not like you can own phone numbers-"
"Well, I am certain than you can, dear fellow. Otherwise, I wouldn't have called it my number."
"So what? You think just cause you had it first, I need to change mine?"
"I will have you know my family has had this phone number ever since it was first made available in London."
"I, on the other hand, have had this phone number for exactly 3 months. And guess what, I have just as much right to use it as you do yours."
"Now, I am not saying-"
"What, you want me to share profits with you, too?"
"Crowley-"
"Give you a percentage for every moron who doesn't know how to dial a number and ends up calling me and not you?"
"My dear fellow-"
"Cause it's not my fault if someone is hopeless with technology."
"No, of course-"
"And I have to work damn hard to turn them into paying customers sometimes, you know."
"..."
"What?"
"I'm sorry? Turn them into paying customers?"
"Oh, so you don't think it's hard, do you? Bet you think it's just running your mouth and getting paid, huh?"
"No, no, I can imagine it's quite hard. Not that talking to you is hard, it's lovely. I would certainly pay for the privilege."
"Well, you are so..."
"Rather. I only meant, were you aware of the issue? Have there been people phoning your line, looking for me?"
"Um. Ngk."
"..."
"..."
"Well?"
"Yeah, well, it might so happen that every once in a while some posh snob- Not you, you sound fine- might call asking to speak to Aziraphale. Doesn't take long to get them to pay for it."
"Ah."
"'s how I recognised the name. Not many Aziraphales around, you know?"
"I... see."
"You sound mad. Are you mad? Cause I do give them the correct number."
"You... do?"
"Well, yeah, course I do. Don't want to get in the way of your business, now, do I?"
"That's awfully kind. Thank you, Crowley."
"Not kind. Just... Don't want you to report me! Yeah, that's right! Just protecting my own arse, is all."
"Of course."
"Mhmmm."
"Wait. How do you have my phone number?"
"Um."
"I am only asking, seeing as there are so many ways one might bugger up a phone number. How did you have the right one to give away?"
"Ohhhh, you said a bad word there. Sounded very funny in that posh little accent of yours."
"You shan't distract me, dear fellow. Unless you would rather not discuss this?"
"..."
"..."
"Fine, okay. I might have- Might have come to your bookshop, after the first call. I live close by so it was no bother and I was curious. Sue me."
"I- I don't believe I have ever met you? I am quite certain I would have remembered your voice."
"Sounds almost like you just paid me a compliment, angel. And nah, you were closed. Which makes a lot more sense now that I know you aren't really in the business of selling books. You know, in a bookshop. But I took a picture of your number under those ridiculous work hours you keep and I've been giving it out to anyone who calls."
"After they finish with you?"
"Um, ye-yeah. After they finish."
"It is only, they never do get around to calling me after... their call with you."
"Ah. Want me to start with the phone number then? Might help them remember it?"
"Well. No."
"Huh?"
"You see, this is why I wished to speak with you today. I have had the most peaceful week ever since I opened the bookshop and I enquired as to why this might be happening. Which, inevitably, led me to your phone number and our merry mix-up."
"Merry mix- Wait, wait! But you were demanding I change my phone number!"
"You might recall I never said that, my dear."
"You were yelling at me!"
"You were yelling at me!"
"Fair point."
"Quite."
"So, you don't want me to change my phone number?"
"Oh, no, my dear fellow, I could never ask that of you. I imagine you have worked quite hard to expand and maintain your client list."
"Well, some things have been quite hard."
"I- I'm not sure I know what you mean."
"Oh, you are blushing again. I can hear it."
"...Ahem."
"I think I'll continue giving them your phone number at the end, though. You know, just to be seen doing something."
"That's very ki- Thank you."
"Don't mention it. And you sure you don't mind?"
"Mind? Oh, no, not at all. I was only calling to alert you of the possibility that some of my clients might bother you instead."
"..."
"Well, I better be going, I think. I have taken enough of your time."
"Again, Aziraphale, you are paying for it."
"Ah. Yes. Nevertheless, I hope you have a good night, Crowley, and-"
"Wait!"
"Yes?"
"Now that I think about it, I do mind, actually."
"You... mind getting new customers?"
"Yeah. Terribly annoying that, having people call you Aziraphale all the time. I mean, you must know."
"Now, my dear, there is simply no reason to be rude."
"No, but there is. You come here, with your curly little... and your neat white..."
"I thought you said we haven't met before!"
"We haven't! I was guessing, in all honesty! Did I get it right?"
"Well, it is more blue-ish today."
"Your hair?"
"My shirt! Why would I be talking about my hair?"
"Dunno, really. Just what I've been picturing."
"And you are sure we haven't met before?"
"I promise we haven't met before."
"That sounded awfully suspicious. Why did you sound suspicious?"
"Imighthavegivenyouagoogle."
"I- I beg your pardon? Slower, please."
"I might have googled you. A tiny bit. Name like that, it begs for a google."
"How does one google someone 'a tiny bit'?"
"Just like... the first page. Half the page even! Anyway! Forget about that."
"Very hard to, my dear chap. Here I am, having talked to you for the past half an hour, not having a lick of an idea of what you look like and you have my full government name and photograph, right there in front of you. Not to mention the fact you have already visited my bookshop!"
"I don't have it in front of me now. I am not some creep that just goes around- You know, stalking- Googling, I mean, googling people."
"..."
"This is bad, isn't it?"
"Yes. I am afraid it is, rather."
"Yeah. That wasn't how I meant- Sorry about that. Listen, how about-"
"Perhaps you could make it up to me?"
"Wut?"
"Well, you already know where I work and what I look like. Perhaps you can take me out for lunch? To make up for all the emotional distress you have caused me."
"All the- All the emotional distress? I will have you know I- Wait. Lunch?"
"Yes. There is a lovely cafe just across from my bookshop. They have amazing eccles cakes. Oh, and their tea is simply divine. The owner, Nina, she has this special method of making tea where she-"
"Aziraphale, are you asking me out?"
"No. I believe you are. If you are amenable."
"To make it up to you?"
"Yes."
"For borderline stalking you?"
"Yes."
"You do realise how unsafe all of this is, yeah? I could be an axe murderer!"
"You aren't, though, are you?"
"You could be an axe murderer."
"I imagine that would have come up during your extensive research on me, don't you agree?"
"Oh- Oh, you bastard!"
"Tomorrow? Shall we say 1pm?"
"Sure. I was trying to get you to ask me out, you know."
"I... did sense something of the sort, yes."
"Actual bastard! I'll be there."
"Thank you. And Crowley?"
"Yeah?"
"There are a number of photographs of you on your website, my dear."