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“Do you have any clue what “acks” might mean?” Sam asks, phone wedged between his ear and his shoulder.
“I do not.” Cas says through the phone. “In what context is he saying it?”
“Usually right before he loses his shit.”
Sam pulls the phone away briefly and listens, thinking he heard Dean. He realizes Cas is saying something now that he’s missing and sits down at the kitchen table.
“Sorry, Cas, I wasn’t listening.” Sam sighs.
It’s been a difficult week. After Dean’s bout with the stomach bug, things seemed to take an emotional turn for the worse. Sam made up extra hours at work since he had been missing so much to take care of Dean at the same time that Michael and Gabriel were in a car accident. Although relatively unscathed, Cas decided to fly out and help them for a few days. This meant Sam had to use the adult daycare, who are great with Dean but who Dean isn’t a big fan of. Not having Cas or Sam as much as he’s used to seemed to trigger an entirely new set of behaviors that Sam feels ill-equipped to handle. Dean keeps trying to ask him things and communicate, but Sam can’t seem to get it fast enough and it’s been a never ending cycle of frustrated outbursts.
“I will be back in two days.” Cas says. “Did you tell him this was his last day at the daycare center?”
“Yeah, but when I picked him up he was already having a tantrum.” Sam rubs his face. “I’ll try again later. I miss you. And not just because you help with Dean.”
“Things are difficult right now. We will be fine.”
Their schedules haven’t been lining up. Dean has been taking up almost a hundred percent of both their free time. Work has been stressful. Sam suddenly feels like he might start crying.
“Sam?” Cas says on the phone. “I will come home early.”
“No, Cas.” Sam sniffs. “Your family needs you.”
“You are my family.” Cas insists. “I will see if I can move my flight. Besides, Michael has just about had enough of Gabe and I and our antics.”
“Thank you.” Sam takes a deep breath. “I’m really overwhelmed with him right now. I’ve never felt like this. Like overwhelmed with how much care he needs, sure, but never because of behavioral issues. He’s never…. He’s never made me mad like this.”
“I know this is a difficult topic for you but there are resources available. You can utilize the daycare center, there are respite care options, and you have medication. I would never tell you to do that regularly but just until I come back.” Cas says.
“I know.” Sam nods along. “He’s taking a nap now. I'm hoping he feels a little better after that.”
“Call me if you need anything.” Cas says.
“I will. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Cas hangs up with a promise to call Sam back when he’s adjusted his flight information. Sam leans forward on the table and rests his head on his arms. The house is a mess and he’s had to be hypervigilant with Dean so has neglected cleaning it. He’s contemplating trying to get through some dishes when the sound of crying comes from Dean’s room.
“Never ends.” Sam says to no one, pushing up from the table and walking to Dean’s room. “Hi buddy.”
Dean sits up, rubbing his face.
“Are you feeling a little better?” Sam asks.
Dean huffs and doesn’t answer. Sam doesn’t force him to, and helps him put his leg braces back on and go to the bathroom. Dean remains largely silent, which Sam will take over the screaming and crying that has dominated their recent life.
“You want something to eat, Dean?” Sam asks.
“No.” Dean curls up in the corner of the former dining room that has most of his things.
“Come on, Dean, you can’t just sit in a corner all day.” Sam sighs. “You want to read books? Watch a movie?”
“No.” Dean frowns, then babbles.
“Okay.” Sam tries to problem-solve. “I don’t know what you want. Can you try to tell me a little more?”
“No.” Dean says a little louder.
“Dean, I can’t help you if you don’t try.” Sam says. “Are you hurt? Sick?”
“No!”
“Okay fine.” Sam shakes his head. “Sit and sulk all day then.”
Sam turns away to retreat to the kitchen, hoping that Dean will eventually work himself out of the funk that he’s in. As he turns, Dean shrieks and throws something, hitting him in the back of the leg.
“Ow, Dean, that hurt!” Sam turns back. “What is wrong with you?”
Dean yells back at Sam and grabs another one of the blocks nearby, this time launching it with surprising accuracy toward Sam’s head. The memory of Cas losing his temper with Dean flashes through Sam’s mind, but it’s too late to prevent him from losing his own temper. Sam grabs Dean and hauls him up, dragging him back to his bedroom.
“Stop it!” Sam shouts and shoves Dean down on his bed. “I don’t know what you want and I’m tired of listening to you cry all day! I haven’t slept, I haven’t eaten, all I do all day long is take care of you! You’re not a baby and I’m not your fucking parent! I’m-”
Sam is suddenly aware of the volume of his voice. Dean is silent now, and stunned, green eyes wide. Sam can hear his heart pounding in his ears and how fast his breath is going. The couple of seconds of anger is already draining away.
“I need you to stay here for a few minutes.” Sam says calmly, and closes the door behind him.
Sam goes outside and sits on the porch, looking at his shaking hands. He’s never yelled at Dean like that. Then again, Dean has never thrown anything at him either. His own reaction to that scares him, and his own words to Dean. His whole life has revolved around Dean and he wouldn’t change it for all the money in the world. Sam takes a few deep breaths to calm himself down. He waits a few more minutes to make sure he’s fully regulated himself before getting up and quietly opening Dean’s door.
“Dean?” Sam calls softly. “Can I come in?”
“No.” Dean says, so softly Sam almost can’t hear.
“Okay.” Sam nods. “I know I scared you and I said some things that I shouldn’t have. When you’re ready will you come and talk to me?”
“Yeh.” Dean replies, a little louder.
Sam goes to the living room and waits. He can see Dean on the monitor and he’s talking softly to his stuffed cat, as if consulting it. It almost makes Sam smile, it would have if he didn’t feel so guilty about what just happened.
After a few minutes Dean comes out, holding his stuffed animal and looking worried.
“Sammy, ow.” Dean says sadly.
“I know honey.” Sam feels his throat tighten. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that. I was really frustrated and I took it out of you. That was wrong and I’m so sorry.”
“Yeh.” Dean nods, then sits down next to Sam and leans against him.
Sam wraps his arms around Dean and feels tears spring to his eyes. Dean is so trusting and forgiving.
“One thing I said was true. I am not your parent and you’re not a baby. You’re older than me actually, did you know that?” Sam asks and Dean shrugs. “But you know what else? Even though you’re older than me and I’m not your parent, I did raise you and I do take care of you now. I love that and I love you. I am honored to have the privilege of being your parent now, it’s the best part of my life. I wouldn’t trade you for anything.”
“Cas?” Dean asks.
“Not even for Cas.” Sam shakes his head. “I love Cas too but Cas can take care of himself. You are my responsibility and I will always keep that responsibility. ”
He lets Dean think for a few moments. Dean is relaxed now and fidgeting with the cuff of Sam’s shirt.
“Acks.” Dean says softly.
“That’s a new word.” Sam says carefully. “Sammy still has to figure out what that means. You’ve been saying it a lot this week.”
“Yeh.” Dean nods. “Acks.”
“Will you forgive me, Dean?” Sam asks.
“Yeh.” Dean nods again.
“Sammy will never yell at you like that again, okay?” Sam moves so he can look at Dean’s face. “That was not okay and no one should ever talk to you like that, especially me.”
Dean nods, then wraps his arms loosely around Sam’s neck.
“Love, Sammy.”
“I love you too.” Sam gives him a squeeze. “You are my favorite person in the whole world.”
“Yeh.” Dean agrees, pulling back and finally smiling a little bit for the first time in several days. “Sammy, acks, no, no.”
“Acks.” Sam repeats. “Do you want me to try and figure that word out now? It might take us a little while. It’s okay if you get frustrated, I won’t get mad like I did before.”
“Yeh.” Dean nods. “Acks, Sammy.”
“Sammy is acks?” Sam asks. Dean hesitates. “Okay, let’s start over. Is acks a person?” Dean shakes his head. “Is it somewhere we go? Something we eat? Is it something we do?” Dean shakes his head to all of them. “Okay. So it’s not a noun I don’t think, or an action. Is it a feeling?”
Dean hesitates again.
“A feeling? You feel acks?” Sam repeats.
“Yeh.” Dean claps.
“You feel acks. Is it a good feeling?”
“No!” Dean frowns.
“Bad feeling.” Sam nods. “Okay, I see. And Sammy feels it too?”
“Yeh.” Dean nods, then babbles.
“Is it scared? A scared feeling?”
Dean hesitates.
“Scared, sad, angry.” Sam says and Dean nods along to all of them. “This is a word I’ve said to you before?”
“Yeh.” Dean points to himself and takes a deep breath in like Sam has shown him how to do when he needs to calm down.
“Anxiety?”
“Acks!” Dean claps and grins.
“You’re feeling anxiety?” Sam feels his heart twist. “Sweetheart, come here.”
He holds Dean and pets his hair. No wonder Dean was having outbursts and tantrums, he had been trying to tell Sam he was having anxiety and Sam was ignoring him, thinking it was just a nonsense sound he was making.
“I’m so sorry Dean.” Sam says. “This has been a really bad week, huh?”
“Yeh.” Dean agrees.
“I bet a lot of things are making you anxious.” Sam kisses his forehead. “Sammy has a plan to help. You know how I give you medicine when we go to the doctor or the dentist?”
“Yeh.” Dean nods.
“That’s anxiety medicine. But it's a very, very big anxiety medicine so we don’t use it very often. I also used to give it to you when you had a seizure. You haven’t had one in a very long time.” Sam explains. “That’s called Ativan, the big anxiety medicine. We can take one now so you can relax a little, and then tomorrow we can find ways to try and help your anxiety without medicine, okay?”
“No.” Dean looks like he might cry.
“It’s okay honey.” Sam rubs his arm. “The big medicine will help you feel better. And if it’s really, really bad and Sammy can’t help we can get a little anxiety medicine from the doctor that you can take more often. I know that’s a lot of information to try and understand.”
“Yeh.” Dean replies sadly.
“Can you trust Sammy then?” Sam asks. “Trust me that I’m working on it and I’m going to help with your anxiety feeling?”
“Yeh.” Dean says confidently.
“Okay.” Sam stands up. “I’ll be right back.”
Dean recognizes the small injection and whimpers a little when Sam gives it to him, but it’s such a small amount and so brief that he doesn’t get particularly distressed about it. Sam wishes he could swallow pills, but he can really only take liquid or injected medications.
“There we go.” Sam smiles. “You’re so brave, Dean.”
“Yeh.” Dean smiles back.
Sam doesn’t like to give him such strong medication, but he thinks it’s probably worth it after the week they had. It makes Dean sleepy and they doze off on the couch together for a little while before getting up. Sam makes pasta for dinner and doesn’t say anything when Dean throws his fork on the ground and goes in with his hands. At least he’s eating and having a good time finally. His phone buzzes and he picks it up.
“Dean, look it’s Cas.” Sam says as he takes the facetime call. “Hi babe.”
“Hello.” Cas laughs. “Dean, you are covered in red sauce.”
“Cas!” Dean claps. “Cas, De, acks.”
“I figured it out.” Sam says. “I’ll call you later about it.”
“You can tell me in person. I will be home very late tonight. Michael sends you his thanks for getting me home early.” Cas gives Sam the flight information and they hang up the phone.
The rest of the night is much more restful, Dean still calm from the medication and from finally being understood. Sam is exhausted and looking forward to a night filled with sleep instead of crying.
“Sammy?” Dean says as Sam is tucking him in.
“Yeah buddy?” Sam smiles.
“Mama?” Dean asks. “Mama, Sammy.”
“You…. do you want to talk about mama?”
“Yeh.” Dean nods.
“Alright.” Sam nods. “Wait here for a minute.”
Sam gets the old photo album from his room and returns to Dean’s room. He sits on the bed next to Dean and opens the album.
“Mama!” Dean claps.
“You’re right.” Sam smiles. “That’s mama and Dean before Sammy was born.”
There aren’t very many pictures, but Dean seems thrilled to see them. Sam feels a little bad that he’s never talked about their mom with Dean before. He doesn’t want to upset Dean, but then again death is upsetting. Why shouldn’t he get a little upset when he thinks about her? Sam misses his mom terribly and Dean clearly remembers her a little bit so he might miss her even more.
“Mama.” Dean yawns. “Sammy, mama.”
“I miss her very much.” Sam agrees.
“No.” Dean pats Sam’s cheat. “Sammy, mama, dada.”
“Our family?” Sam guesses. Dean frowns. “What about all of us?”
“No, Sammy.” Dean sighs. “Sammy, De.”
“That’s right. It’s Sammy and Dean, forever.” Sam says.
“Yeh!” Dean smiles brightly and then snuggles down under his covers. “Sammy, mama, dada.”
“Are you saying that I’m like a mom and a dad to you? Sammy is like a mama and a dada for Dean?” Sam asks, throat tight.
“Yeh.” Dean nods and then coos softly.
“I think that’s the best thing anyone has ever told me.” Sam whispers.
When Dean falls asleep, he opens the photo album and finds the only photo there is of the two of them with their mother. It’s faded, but intact, and Sam gently pulls it out of the album. Maybe he’ll get it framed.
He hopes she would be proud of the both of them.