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She could hear her heart beating in her ears, that was all she could hear, like she had plunged underwater. She knew people were talking to her, their voices were garbled, as if she really had dived into a swimming pool headfirst. Her chest was so tight she unconsciously rubbed her hand against it over and over, as though it would help.
It was making things worse.
No, maybe not worse… that might have been the feeling of the rough glove against her jumpsuit.
All she wanted to do was climb out of this cave and get to Grey Sloan because she might not have heard exactly what that radio call said, but she had heard enough of it to know that doctors had been intentionally run down by a vehicle outside the clinic where Carina was working.
Her hearing might not have normalized, but she was suddenly aware of Travis' hand landing on her shoulder, snapping her out of her daze as she tried to use his eyes as a focal point, to remember how to breathe. He nodded to her in question, his eyebrows was raised, and she could see his mouth moving but she still couldn't quite hear properly. But she nodded her head anyway, as if to assure him she was absolutely fine when he had two eyes trained on her face.
She was clearly not fine.
She could hear Andy and the Chief shouting, some words of encouragement probably. Maybe a threat. Either way, she kept her focus on Travis, watching his mouth move as her hearing returned with a whoosh. "Okay?" he shouted.
She nodded again.
It wasn't a great time to not know what he'd said, but she figured she'd pick it up as they repelled into the cave. "I'm okay," she said, it was aimed at Travis, but she really needed to hear it.
"Yeah," Travis agreed, "You're okay," he nodded, quietly repeating his previous instructions. He could see the way she'd dipped back in, anything that was said before was obviously lost to the cave. But, she was here now.
Mostly.
She kept it together anyway.
They got the job done and that was the main thing, Maya had stayed quiet, happy to let Travis take the lead as she tried her best to focus on the task at hand rather than thinking about Carina.
Maya had tried.
She had tried hard.
The problem was… her efforts might have just been too late to make any real difference because Carina hadn't been receptive to many of her attempts.
Carina had asked for space and had tried so hard to give her that, but the request had been open-ended and Maya was a goal-setter, she needed timelines. The lack of clarity left her feeling uneasy about the future of their relationship. She was now convinced that the marriage was over, believing Carina was just waiting to file for divorce because she wasn't sure whether Maya was mentally well.
Maya was mentally well, something Carina would know if she had just let Maya show her.
Not that she could blame her, she couldn't.
Though Maya had been unwell, she understood the damage she had done on her spiral. That's why she was so desperate to make up for it.
The flowers she had sent to the hotel had been rejected, well presumably. They were sent back with the delivery driver because… well, the flower shop called her because they weren't going to refund the cost, but they wanted her to know they had tried to deliver the product. The flowers weren't even the point, she just wanted Carina to read her note. She didn't really know if Carina had refused them or the hotel wouldn't accept them on her behalf.
That was not giving her space, though.
Neither was the dish of lasagna she delivered to Carina's office in the middle of her chat with Miranda Bailey. No, that wasn't space, but it was progress because she sent Maya a text to thank her for the dish, even though she reminded her she'd asked for space. She said thank you and that filled her with hope because not only had Carina reached out, she was obviously grateful. For the food or for the effort? She didn't really know, but she was glad they had taken a step toward each other.
That's what it felt like.
But even with the thank you, she had to remember Carina asked for space.
It wasn't space when she took off on a panicked run to the hospital after hearing about a car running down doctors outside Grey Sloan either.
But that was what she did.
Turning up at Carina's work was not giving her space, but Maya didn't know whether Carina was one of the doctors who had been hit or… or anything. She didn't know anything and with the hospital in total chaos, there was no way for her to find out.
Well, there was one way and that was… well, it was not giving Carina space and that's precisely what Maya had chosen to do.
~~~
Maya's hand shook as she held the match to the wick, swearing lightly when she burned her finger. "Fuck," she muttered. "Er, sorry," she looked up. She didn't believe in god, not really anyway, but she didn't want to take any chances. Especially not when everything in her life felt so precarious.
She took another match, striking it and lighting the candle quickly.
This is where Carina would escape for comfort, Maya thought maybe… well, maybe.
Maybe the chapel could be of comfort to her too.
"I really messed you up," she sighed as she sank into the first pew, eyes focused on the candle she'd just lit, as though it was a meditative tool. "And now look at us, I just wanted to make us better and I don't know how because you won't let me. If I can't see you and talk to you, I can't… I can't show you how sorry I am."
She fidgeted, her fingers picking at the hangnail that had been plaguing her all day at work.
"and god- I get it, I do… I know I hurt you so bad, but-" she tried to take a deep breath, but the tears were falling too hard, they had pushed her into a dramatic hiccup as her confession came tumbling out of her mouth quicker than her brain could process it. "I wasn't myself and I can't stand the thought of that being how you remember me and," she rubbed her face and shook her head. She shouldn't have come here. It was making everything worse. "I should have said it a million years ago and I understand why you didn't want to see me, everyone told me to leave you alone," she sighed. "That you seem happier."
That had been the hardest thing. She wasn't sure what they were trying to say, whether it was that Carina was doing okay or that Carina was happier without her, it sure felt like the latter. It sure felt like she would be doing more damage by reaching out again. But to her, it felt like she was giving up on the best thing that had ever happened to her.
"I know I really messed you up, I- god, it must have been like a sucker punch all those nights I stayed longer at work. It was never you," she whispered. "It was all me and I should have listened to you, but it's so-" she groaned as felt the tears start again. "The voice in my head told me I didn't deserve you, that you were better off without me and if I could just- If I had another shot, I would scream it from the mountain tops, I would because I have so much to apologize for and if you ever wanted to hear it, I would scream that from the mountain tops, too. I just.. I need you to tell me you want to hear it. I have no idea where your head is, but I know I'd never let you go again," she sniffled.
She sat in the quiet for a moment, wishing she carried a handkerchief because her nose was leaking just as much as her eyes were and it was a little embarrassing.
"I am still in love with you," her voice was barely more than a whisper. "No question. And it's been fucking with my head holding that in when I feel like we have to start healing somewhere. I wish you-" what did she wish? She was begging for something she wanted, but she didn't know where Carina's head was. More importantly, she didn't know where Carina's body was… she could be-
Don't finish that thought.
Don't.
Carina would be okay.
As long as Carina was okay.
The thought of any other outcome had stolen the breath from her lungs and it took the wind out of her sails as she slumped further down the pew.
She didn't know what to do.
Everyone told her Carina should come to her.
Diane wouldn't offer firm advice on what steps to take to make things right with her wife.
She didn't feel comfortable reaching out to Carina's friends because it felt unfair to try and put them in the middle, but god, did she wish someone would give her a fucking hint. Just a tiny clue of what she was supposed to be doing to show Carina she was serious about healing.
"I wish I was sure you knew how much I love you and it breaks my heart knowing you ever doubted that. What kind of wife am I?" she questioned, tilting her head back so she could look up to the heavens. Or… cloud-ward anyway. She let her eyes fall shut, the tears would fall either way.
"Maya?"
She stiffened, gulping as she sat up straight, opening her eyes only to immediately narrow them… she was still alone, the candle she lit was still burning, along with the rest. She wiped her face, shaking her head. Obviously spending time in a chapel when you're non-religious leads to delusional thinking.
"Maya."
Okay, that wasn't delusional thinking.
She turned to look behind her, jaw dropping as she realized she wasn't alone. She hadn't heard the door open, but- "Carina," she said standing, wiping her face on her sleeve, certain her tear streaked face also had traces of… nasal excess.
"What are you doing here?" Carina questioned.
"I-" she licked her lips because it briefly occurred to her that she could still be hallucinating or… well, this could be a ghost. She didn't know how these things worked. "I heard about the hit and run over the radio while we were on a call," she hoped that would be a sufficient explanation. "I heard a doctor was hit at the clinic," she paused as she tried to get a grip of her emotions. They didn't suddenly switch off just because Carina was right in front of her. "I needed to make sure you were okay, I couldn't find anybody to- to find out."
She'd tried Carina's office, but the door was locked and though she'd wandered the halls, she didn't see a single familiar face in the hustle and bustle.
"I was in surgery," Carina offered. Despite overhearing Maya's confession, she still held herself at a distance. She wanted to run into her arms and wipe her face, she wanted to pepper kisses over her jaw and run her fingers through her hair, but then Maya would know she'd overheard her confession.
Maya nodded. That was exactly what Teddy had said when she first arrived, but she rushed off so quickly there had been no time to clarify whether she was the patient or the doctor. So, when she found Carina's office door locked she made her way to the chapel.
She'd visited with Carina before, so she thought it would make her feel closer… she hadn't quite factored in her emotions bubbling up and overflowing the moment she lit a candle. Despite the therapy with Diane, it was obvious she was still prone to catastrophizing because she really thought Carina was somewhere in this hospital on an operating table fighting for her life and now that she was standing in front of her, she wasn't quite sure what to say. All the promises she had just made seemed… insignificant. Like maybe it wasn't appropriate to pour her feelings out all over Carina when she'd quite specifically asked for space.
This wasn't space.
What we she even doing?
Why the hell did she think this was a good idea?
Carina just nodded, biting her lip. She wasn't sure whether to confess just how much she'd overheard. When she first stepped into the chapel, well, she was there to light a candle but when she realized someone was having a breakdown in the front pew she held off, giving them space to work through their emotions. With their head dipped between their knees in a heart-wrenching sob, she hadn't even realized it was Maya until she started pouring her heart out.
It had plucked at her heart strings, she would have to be a cold, emotionless asshole to be anything other than emotional at Maya's outpouring. She had no idea whether Maya was talking to god or had retreated to the chapel because it was one of the few places to find quiet in a big, busy hospital.
But, knowing she had raced to the hospital to make sure she was okay was… a relief.
"I guess I'll head out," Maya said, suddenly feeling overwhelmed with a flood of fresh emotions. She had fooled herself into thinking things would go differently when she finally set eyes on Carina, but none of that happened. There was no dramatic falling into each other's arms, there wasn't even… a spark of… no, she didn't know what she was looking for, but it was stupid of her to to think she could project the weight of her emotions onto Carina. Carina had her own emotions to work through. "I just needed to make sure you were okay and you are."
She chewed on the inside of her cheek, realizing her path to escape was being blocked by Carina and she was worried how it would look for her to shuffle around her to leave. "I'm glad," she added, hoping it would serve as some kind of open sesame.
It didn't.
"I'm not trying to push you," Maya hoped that would assure her. She wasn't really sure whether Carina would be pissed at her turning up at her workplace outside of her official capacity as a firefighter. She had asked for space and this was… decidedly not that.
Carina nodded, stepping to one side to let Maya pass, recognizing the cornered look on her face. There was no point trapping her in a chapel that Carina very much wanted to visit on her own. The confession she had overheard had given her a lot to think about and though she was willing to do that, she needed to decompress after the day she'd had and she wanted to do that in the chapel.
She did her best not to watch Maya walk away, she had seen the slump in her shoulders as she left and as bad as she felt, she didn't have the capacity to deal with that right now. Maya did deserve a conversation, but it had to be when Carina was in her right mind.
Right now, she wasn't. So, she set it aside and focused on lighting a candle.
Maya wasn't sure where to go now that she knew Carina was okay. It was all she'd turned up for, but, with all her emotions so close to the surface, it felt wrong just walking away.
"Bishop!"
Maya's head lifted in surprise. She didn't know Ben was here.
"You okay?" he asked, putting his arm around her shoulder before she had a chance to answer.
"Uh yeah," she nodded. "I just- um."
She knew Ben knew stuff- hell, he probably knew more than she did considering he saw her at work and Miranda saw Carina. He had a bigger picture. "Wanted to make sure Carina was okay," he finished for her, giving her a light squeeze.
"Yeah," she agreed, trying to blink away the tears she felt threatening. God, that was annoying, but that's what therapy had done to her. Diane said it was normal – that when you heal old wounds you have to process a lot of different emotions and in the process of doing that, you will probably cry a lot because all those emotions are just under the surface waiting to leap out.
She hated that part of therapy.
It was one thing to break down, cry, and sob during a therapy session, it was another thing entirely for that to burst out of her outside of a safe space.
"Didn't go well?" he asked. She knew he was trying to help and really, he had been the most supportive member of the team throughout her healing journey so, she should feel safe enough to open up to him.
She sighed heavily. "She hasn't been receptive to my previous attempts at-" at what? Making an apology? Discussion? She wasn't sure really, she understood Carina's need for time, she did. Her memory was hazy when it came to the aftermath of her 72-hour hold. After the sedation, she didn't really know much, but she understood how bad it had been when Teddy told her why Carina hadn't visited. That kind of brought some of it back, just enough for her to know she'd inflicted deep hurt. "I think coming here was a mistake," she said sadly. "I don't think I should have."
Ben paused their walk, stopping to turn Maya to face him. "Did she tell you that?"
Maya furrowed her brows as she tried to think back on what Carina had said. She hadn't said much of anything beyond asking why she was there. "She said she was in surgery," Maya said, remembering those had been the last words Carina had said to her. "Um, Teddy told me that, but I thought- I thought Carina was-"
Ben didn't need to hear any more, he just took a step closer and wrapped her in a hug. "It'll be okay." They jokingly called him dad and the age gap wasn't close to being wide enough, unless he was a teen dad… still, she did kind of feel like he had the right energy to play that role in this instance. "I know it doesn't feel like it, but all the best couples hit a rough patch," he promised. "Remember when Miranda asked for a separation? We came back from that better than ever," he reminded her.
Maya nodded.
She did remember that, she'd offered him the guest room.
"So will you and Carina, healing takes time."
~~~
Carina had spent time praying in the chapel.
Praying.
Crying.
She had been crying in the chapel.
Crying for Tia, crying for the baby, for their entire family. She would likely recover, but it was such a traumatic event. Even if she healed physically, she would carry emotional scars.
Carina knew she would carry emotional scars from seeing a vehicle run two of her colleagues down. That she wouldn't forget the panic that consumed the group of doctors as they jumped in to help.
By the time she got back to the hotel, she was feeling… a little more herself. But now she'd had time to process Maya's confession and she couldn't just put Maya to one side anymore. She had done it for her own sanity, she'd restored her sanity, and now she needed to give her wife hope. It hadn't occurred to her that her request for space would send Maya spiraling the way it had. Though, that was obviously foolish, she knew Maya well enough to know that's what would happen…
...but then, Maya hadn't been herself for so long, there was still a part of Carina that worried she was the problem. That Maya didn't want her, that Maya didn't want children, that Maya… would change her mind about settling down. So, putting distance between them protected her, but every time Maya chased her, she felt a little more hopeful it would work out. She was using that to keep going, she hadn't considered what chasing without any hope would do to Maya.
She just hoped it wasn't too late.
Maya's face showed clear surprise when she opened the door and found Carina on her doorstep. She took a step back, but she wasn't sure if it was to welcome Carina in or out of worry Carina was going to yell at her for turning up at her workplace.
"Hi," she offered tentatively when Carina didn't make a move one way or the other.
Carina waved, but she stepped inside. That was… progress… she hoped. Then again, maybe she wanted to close the front door before she started yelling. "I was wondering if you were free to go for a drive," Carina asked, wrapping her coat tighter.
"Uh," Maya glanced at the television. That was her only plan for the night, so yeah, she was free to go for a drive. "Yeah, let me," she gestured at the fact she was wearing pajamas.
She hadn't even had dinner yet, but she was already in pajamas.
Big night.
"Where are we going?" Maya asked curiously as Carina set off. She realized she had agreed without any further information, and that could have been a terrible idea.
"Volunteer Park."
Maya frowned.
Why would they go to Volunteer Park?
"Thought it was a good night to visit the Water Tower."
Maya's brows lifted in surprise.
Was she going to push her off the water tower?
"A scenic spot for an overdue conversation," Carina offered as she parked the car. She thought about filling the time confessing that though she had thanked Maya for her lasagna, she hadn't eaten it. The balance between them was already precarious, she didn't exactly want to tell Maya her lasagna looked and smelled suspiciously bad. She didn't want to tell her that she'd chosen to stop by her favorite Italian place for a lasagna to-go either.
Instead, Carina tangled their fingers together as they left the car, she needed Maya to know it wasn't bad news. It would have been a bit cruel to take her to the top of a water tower to deliver bad news.
When they reached the observation deck, Maya was more obvious in her long glances.
"You want to know why we're here," Carina said simply.
Maya nodded.
"I couldn't really get you to a mountaintop," she shrugged. "Though, I am not sure if you're allowed to scream here."
Maya's eyes widened, realizing that Carina must have overheard her chapel breakdown. At least some of it, she had no idea when she'd appeared, she was just there suddenly.
"You ran away before I could get a word out," she reminded her. "I couldn't quite take it in at the time, I had a bit of a day."
"I know," Maya did know. Well, she didn't quite know, at least.. not everything, but Ben had filled her in with as much as he knew, so Maya had a good idea.
"I got back to the hotel, I showered, I changed, and that's when I was finally able to think about everything I'd overheard. I am sorry about that," she looked genuine. "I was going to light a candle and I heard someone crying, so I took a seat at the back. I did not know it was you and I did not know what I would overhear."
Maya nodded.
"Maybe it was a good thing I heard it, though because it's what you wanted to say to me and you did."
That was a really good point and maybe she had an easier time letting it all out because she didn't have to look Carina in the face while she poured her heart out.
"You don't have to scream it from the mountain tops next time, you can just say it to my face. I'm sorry I didn't acknowledge your effort."
"I get it," Maya assured her. "You asked for space, that was clear and I knew that, I just have a hard time- doing nothing," she said honestly. "And therapy makes- it makes everything feel heightened. So, you asked for space," she repeated.
"I did," Carina agreed. "But I appreciated when you chased. It sounds sick now, but it did make me feel good to know you weren't giving up."
Maya frowned at that, slightly annoyed at mixed signals, but pushing that thought away because as frustrating as it was, she understood where Carina was coming from. After all, Carina had spent months chasing after her to no avail.
"So, that's why I brought you here," Carina explained. "That's why I Carina DeLuca-Bishop, climbed 107 steps. This is 75 feet tall," she gestured. "Did you know that?"
Maya laughed, shaking her head. It had never occurred to her to look it up.
"You can scream if you want," she offered.
Maya didn't really want to scream. Well, she did, but not anymore, the purpose of screaming from the mountain tops was so that Carina would listen, but Carina had listened. She had enjoyed the view though, but she didn't resist when Carina grabbed her hand and directed her to the steps.
Maybe her idea had been silly, but it felt like a lighter way to tell Maya she'd heard everything.
"I had a dream about you last night," Maya said quietly, following close behind.
"You did?" Carina asked with a raised eyebrow.
She just nodded. "I woke up missing what you feel like. Maybe it hasn't even been that long, but my body aches because it- sometimes, it feels like my body is forgetting-" Forgetting wasn't the right word, but that memory of who they were felt so distant from where they were now.
Carina frowned. Maya might have been in therapy, but it was clear she was still caught in a pattern of beating herself up. She could understand why, but she didn't love it.
"The first time we kissed," Carina started, glancing side long to make sure she had Maya's attention. "It almost knocked me out. It hit me like a sucker punch," she whispered, "The way it stole the breath from my lungs. It wasn't because it was a great kiss, it was because I knew. I sensed it before that, but when we kissed, I knew that how I felt about you was big enough to ruin my life. Or, make it even more beautiful."
"It wasn't a great kiss?" Maya asked, voice thick.
Carina smiled at that, sighing in relief once they made it to the bottom of the stairs.
"It was a great kiss," Carina assured her, her hand finding Maya's face to cup her cheek. "But it was more than that. A younger version of me would have turned tail and run at that feeling, but I trusted that it would be the latter because it was so worth taking the risk for. And after we got engaged, I really thought we were the type to keep fighting, that we would never throw the towel in and call time on our relationship. That's why I didn't even see it coming, it hit me from behind and I think that's why I've held you at a distance. Because I don't want to throw the towel in, but it's so scary to give in because I know that what I feel about you is big enough to ruin my life."
"Or make it even more beautiful," Maya finished Carina's sentence with a question in her voice.
"I want a beautiful life with you," Carina whispered, brushing her thumb across Maya's lip. "A beautiful life with you and me and babies. One, two… three little babies."
Maya's eyes widened at that, shaking her head, "Two tops, I don't want to be outnumbered," she was still shaking her head.
Carina shrugged, "To be determined," she smirked.
"I want a beautiful life with you, Carina," she repeated back. She didn't want there to be even a single question. "You and me and babies."
Carina held three fingers up with her free hand, the other leaving Maya's jaw to take up residence at the back of her neck.
Maya held up two fingers, hooking them around Carina's middle finger in an awkward hand hold. "We had a beautiful life, and we had a hiccup, but I promise we are going to make it even more beautiful this time."
Carina nodded, choosing to finally kiss Maya, she'd been staring at her lips long enough, she was just waiting for a more appropriate moment in the conversation to finally make her move. She didn't want to leave it at a kiss and they weren't exactly in an ideal environment to do that.
"I know," she smiled, pressing another kiss to Maya's lips before pulling back to look her in the eyes, pressing her keys into Maya's hand. She started walking backwards towards her SUV, letting Maya pin her to the grill when they eventually ran out of space. "What I have in store for you isn't appropriate for a public place," there was a growl in Carina's voice and it made Maya shiver, gulping as she tried to battle the wave of arousal.
She still had to drive home.
That didn't stop her from connecting their lips and deepening the kiss, it didn't stop her from slipping her hands over Carina's ass, gripping tightly as pushed herself against her. It should have stopped her because escalating it was only going to make it worse on her.
She still had to drive home.
Still, she only pushed harder when Carina moaned, which was definitely a terrible idea considering their current position, how unbelievably aroused she was, and… she still had to drive home.
So, she forced herself to do the responsible thing, breaking the kiss to lean her forehead against Carina's. "You were trying to say this isn't a great kiss," she scoffed.
Carina rolled her eyes, shaking her head. "That's not what I said, but enough chat. Take me home, I have something else for that pretty mouth to do."
And Maya thought she was horny.
"We're not using sex to avoid conversations, are we?" Maya paused at the thought.
"No," Carina said firmly. "We had a pretty big conversation besides, isn't sex a language of sorts?"
Maya bit her lip at the look on Carina's face, she looked smug but she was right, so maybe she deserved to look as smug as she wanted. "Is sex a love language?"
Carina laughed, "Physical touch."
She nodded.
"Physical touch is not your love language," Carina teased. "It's words of affirmation. Andiamo, Bambina," she said patting her on the ass.
"I don't even believe in love languages," she grumbled, knowing that Carina was absolutely right once again. Still, she wasted no time hopping behind the wheel. After all, she was just as eager as Carina.
"You've been my hardest lesson," Maya said as she pulled onto the road. "Loving you has always been easy, but showing you has been my biggest downfall. I have my eyes on you now, though. On us."
Carina needed to hear that, even though she'd all but said it already, she needed to hear it. Maybe she needed words of affirmation just as much as Maya did.
"My feelings haven't faded," she said. "They never did, not even for a moment. I don't want you to doubt our love."
"Never," Maya assured her. "Can I make a confession?"
"Of course," Carina urged.
"I'm in love with you."
"I thought it was going to be something juicy!"
"That's not?"
"Bambina! I already know this, I thought you were going to tell me a secret."
"Fine," Maya shrugged. "I'll tell you a secret," she offered, glancing at Carina quickly before returning her eyes to the road. She took a deep breath before letting it out slowly, "I'm crazy about you."
Carina groaned, but the smile on her face gave her away. She did want a secret, of course, but she also loved hearing Maya share her feelings over and over again. It filled her with so much hope for their future, that Maya was the type of person to make her life much more beautiful.
Maya let out a sigh as she pulled into the driveway, waiting for Carina to realize.
"Uh, where are we?" she asked, pushing her head out of the window to look around.
"I figured it was time to leave the past in the past, sell the apartment, and buy a house together," she nodded at the house. It was probably rude to pull into the driveway given they didn't have a viewing scheduled, but her real estate agent had told her it was empty.
There was no harm in using the driveway for illustrative purposes… even if it was delaying the makeup sex. "Figured we could start the hunt right here. What do you think, could you live here? Are we home?"
"As long as I'm with you, I'm home."