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Alex goes quiet, first. Then, Zeb watches the tension hunch his shoulders and notices the way his husband can’t quite look him in the eye. He waits for Alex to tell him, to let the walls down- but then it turns to anger. When Alex speaks to him, it's in a short, clipped tone. His fists clench whenever Zeb enters the room; the thunk of his cane on the floor seems to ring out louder.
Zeb is well-practiced at tolerating his husband’s bad days. Pain seizes his body or a dark cloud overtakes his mind, and Zeb knows he’ll have to pick up the pieces when Kallus finally manages to open up about it.
The anger is different though, especially with a kit in the mix. Their daughter is still in infancy, but surely Alex knows she’s old enough to pick up on the tension between her fathers. Alex flees the room as soon as Zeb enters; various feeble excuses have meant that the three of them have barely been in a room together for the past day. It’s that- not his lover’s coldness, but the way their daughter is put to the side so Alex can stay angry with Zeb- that irritates him too.
On the second day, Zeb decides to confront him. It’s been over a rotation of slammed doors and avoided glances, their child passed wordlessly between them. But the kit is sleeping, safe in her room, when Zeb finds Kallus in their living room. The other man pauses when he enters and moves to leave, but Zeb blocks the entryway.
“Alex. What did I do?”
“What? Nothing.”
Zeb watches Alex’s hand clench around the handle of his cane; his eyes flick to the hall behind Zeb.
“You’re upset with me,” Zeb says, trying to sound casual.
“I’m not, I assure you.”
“I think we’ve been together and married too long for you to lie to me like that, Alexsandr.”
There’s a heavy pause, and Kallus’ jaw twitches. “Fine. Garazeb, I cannot believe you married me.”
“What?!” Zeb sputters. “Are you angry because you- do you want- ?”
“I don’t think it matters what I want. I’ve been- reflecting- these past few days. On our marriage, on the person that I am- and I can’t quite parse out why you married me.”
“I love you,” Zeb says dumbly, like the floor didn’t just fall out from beneath his feet.
“But don’t you get it? That doesn’t make sense, Garazeb. Even if I have redeemed myself,” he scoffs, “in the eyes of the galaxy, I am still the person who devastated Lasan. And now I’m a pretender, living on Lira San, married to you- who am I kidding that I have the right to raise a Lasat? I am an awful person, who has done awful things. There was- there is this darkness inside of me, Zeb, and I’ve tried my best- I really have- to banish it. But it left an impression on me. You don’t have to pretend you don’t see it too.”
“I see you,” Zeb croaks, stepping closer to his lover. “You wouldn’t be here if I didn’t. Alex, if you were still the same person, I- I wouldn't've married you. I wouldn’t be raising a kit with you. And you wouldn’t’ve said yes to either one of those things.” He reaches out to cup Alex’s face, and the other man shudders at the touch.
“How many times do I hafta say it?” Zeb leans in and presses their foreheads together. “Alexsandr… I forgive you.”
Alex shakes his head. When he speaks, his voice is thick.
“I would never ask that of you.”
“But you want it.” Zeb paws at the back of Kallus’ head, fingers intertwining in his hair. His heart feels sharp and heavy in his chest. “Don’t you?”
“I don’t deserve it,” Alex whispers, barely audible.
“You don’t decide that,” Zeb says, shaking his head. “When will you learn,” he huffs. “That I love you more than you could ever hate yourself? I’ll do whatever it takes to help you see that, Sasha. I’ll tell you as many times as it takes. I love you. I forgive you.”
“I don’t-”
Zeb closes the remaining distance between them and kisses him, soft and slow. Alexsandr freezes at first, then his shoulders slump and he kisses back.
“As many times as it takes,” Zeb repeats. “Trust me, please, when I tell you that I love you.”
Alex closes his eyes, rocking in Zeb’s arms. His breathing is shaky; Zeb feels wetness on the fur of his shoulder where Alex’s head rests.
“I’ll try.”