Chapter Text
Volume 3:
My Life Living with Shizun
🥒: “He’ll be over you by Volume 3.”
🥒: “Trust me, bro”
🥒: →_→
✈️: !!
✈️: I said maybe!!
✈️: Anyway, I don’t see how this is my fault. I’m not the one who seduced a teenager
🥒: I DID NOT SEDUCE ANYONE
✈️: …
✈️: Seriously??
✈️: How are Liu Qingge and Yue Qingyuan doing lately?
🥒: ??? what do they have to do with anything??
✈️: You’re fucking hopeless, dude.
🥒: ?????
I have been living in shizun’s house for four months. It still feels too good to be true!! I get to see shizun all the time! All. The. Time. He’s the first person I see after I get up and the last one before I go to bed. It’s almost like we’re married!!!
✈️: *laughs until I cry*
🥒: *stabs until you die*
I’ve started experimenting a little more with breakfast and trying new recipes. Shizun likes them all!!! Of course I always try them out a few times first to make sure they’re good enough for shizun and that they’ll match his taste, but it’s always a bit terrifying the first time he tries a new dish. What if he doesn’t like it? What if he hates it so much he doesn’t want me to cook for him anymore? Or, even worse, what if he gets someone else to do the cooking?!? The responsibility for shizun’s meals is mine!!! Ming Fan might still be the head disciple, but he doesn’t get to watch shizun eat his cooking or sleep in shizun’s house. Even if he tries to come after me again, it doesn’t matter, I’ve already won.
🥒: … are we sure this is the future demon emperor we’re talking about here?
✈️: … pretty sure.
✈️: Listen to how domineering he sounds here. Definitely emperor material!
🥒: He’s getting into an imaginary fight over who gets to cook me lunch
✈️: Yeah, but he’s winning!
✈️: And it’s only like a year or so until you do heartlessly steal Ming Fan’s head disciple status and give it to Binghe.
🥒: It wasn’t heartless. Binghe was more qualified. Anyone could see that.
🥒: Even Ming Fan agreed.
✈️: Breaking hearts left, right and center. That’s the Cucumber we know and love
🥒: I have no idea what you’re talking about
✈️: Yup, that’s also on brand for you.
✈️: Never change, bro.
Liu Qingge came by today to flush shizun’s meridians. I hate when he does that. It isn’t as though I can tell him not to come—shizun’s health is most important!!!—but why does it always have to be him?? Mu-shishu is the medical expert, shouldn’t he be the one giving shizun check-ups? Do they not take shizun’s wellbeing seriously?! Mu-shishu is also better because he leaves the door open while he’s clearing shizun’s meridians. But Liu Qingge, that scoundrel, always shuts the door with a sketchy look on his face. Why does he always demand on privacy?? What is he thinking about doing to shizun when no one’s looking?! If he tried to attack, shizun could easily outsmart him—Bai Zhan is full of nothing but dumb brutes!!—but if he’s in the middle of a Without-a-Cure flareup, shizun couldn’t fight back against him!
Plus what if shizun doesn’t realize he’s being attacked until it’s too late? Shizun doesn’t seem to realize how wonderful he is or how many eyes trail after him everywhere he goes. He would probably welcome dangerous people—like Liu Qingge!!—into his home and serve them tea without a second thought! If I’m not there to protect him, who knows how much danger shizun would be in?! Liu Qingge and others probably won’t be so bold as to attack shizun on Qing Jing Peak… but I still need to keep my eyes open.
🥒: … did you switch genres?
🥒: This is supposed to be a stallion revenge cultivation fantasy
🥒: How come this sounds more like a trashy romance with some defenseless white lotus female lead??
✈️: idk, maybe you should ask the white lotus in question
🥒: →_→
🥒: I’m a cultivator!!! I’m the leader of the second strongest peak!! Have you seen me fight? I’m a certified badass!! What kind of white lotus is that?!
🥒: Plus, I’m a man!!!!
✈️: There are tons of white lotus male leads.
✈️: Haven’t you ever explored the danmei page while searching up webnovels?
🥒: Of course not! I’m a straight man!
✈️: 👀Whatever you say 👀
✈️: And straight men totally read danmei!
🥒: But not me. I’d rather read revenge themed xanxia novels.
✈️: And fall in love with the male protagonists.
✈️: Very, very straight behavior
🥒: …
🥒: No one asked you!
Today shizun asked me about my plans for the future. He always has this strange look in his eye when he asks about that. It’s like he has some private joke that I don’t understand. What does shizun mean by that?! Or when he makes those soft little hums when he listens to me talk about the future. Almost as if he already knows something I don’t!
Of course, shizun knows a lot of things I don’t. Shizun is the most wise and knowledgeable person in the world!! He tells me that I’m going to get everything I want in the future… but why does he look so sad when he says it?! Does the idea of me growing up make him sad? But I just want to grow up faster!!
I told shizun that I want to be stronger—to be the strongest. Shizun smiled at me and patted my head, but he still looked vaguely sad. I don’t understand. I didn’t tell him that someday I plan to be a Cang Qiong Peak Lord. After all, shizun is the strongest person, so the position of Qing Jing Peak Lord must be the strongest!
✈️: You can say a lot of things about the guy, but there’s no denying Bingmei is just as ambitious as Bingge.
🥒: Ambitious enough to crawl over his teacher’s head
✈️: Nah man. More like “into his teacher’s bed”
🥒: i hate you
✈️: luv u 2
The other peak lords come by shizun’s house a lot. They come to Qing Jing Peak whenever they please and talk to shizun as an equal. If I was a peak lord, could I do the same? Would shizun look at me and see a man instead of a kid? Taking charge of a peak can’t be that hard. If Shang-shishu does it, anyone can.
✈️: … my son is so mean to me!!!
✈️: (˃̣̣̥ᯅ˂̣̣̥)
🥒: Binghe makes me so proud
Today I asked shizun his favorite type of flower. Not only did he tell me, but shizun also poured me tea as he gave me an entire lesson on the Wandering Night Blooming Lily. Shizun knows so much!!! I love listening to shizun’s lectures!
🥒: And now you’ll get to hear all about my skills as a teacher
🥒: It wasn’t something I’d ever considered doing in my last life, but I really think this is my true calling.
🥒: My students are so diligent! So polite! They can only become so from having a capable teacher
✈️: Saying all that before you finish reading the entry.
✈️: You’re a brave man, Cucumber Bro.
🥒: →_→
Whenever he’s talking about some kind of beast or plant, shizun’s eyes sparkle like the stars in the sky. But even prettier! So much prettier! He normally looks so untouchable, but when he gets excited, shizun seems so… touchable. I bet his hair is so soft. And his skin is as smooth as jade. It must feel nice to touch. Oh! And his fingers! Shizun has the most beautiful fingers. What would it feel like to lace those fingers together with mine? Would they be warm? Soft? Or slightly rough from handling his sword?
What would it feel like to have those hands touching other places?
[After this point, the handwriting becomes so shaky that it’s illegible for several paragraphs.]
Note to self: Search for information about the Wandering Night Blooming Lily in the library in case shizun asks about it later.
🥒: … my pride as a teacher has fallen
🥒: NO! Binghe doesn’t count as a normal student.
🥒: Let’s read Ming Fan’s diary!! I demand to see it
✈️: are you sure?
🥒: yes
✈️: Super sure?
🥒: YES!
✈️: Super, super sure?
Due to excessive profanity, user Shen Qingqiu has been muted for five minutes.
✈️: (☛´∀｀*)☛
✈️: Want to hear the title first?
✈️: Guess you can’t say no, can you?
✈️: Must suck being muted
✈️: Wouldn’t know, can’t relate
✈️: Anyway, here’s the title:
✈️: “From Head Disciple to Husband: A Guide”
🥒: …
🥒: kill me
✈️: Kidding!!
🥒: … are you saying you MADE THAT UP????!
✈️: Of course not
✈️: Am I that creative?
🥒: no
✈️: Rude
✈️: But I didn’t write that title. Binghe did. It’s his 6th volume.
🥒: 6th?!?!
🥒: You said he was fickle, but now you’re saying 6 out of 9 diaries are about me??!
✈️: Of course not
🥒: *relief.jpg*
✈️: Based on everything we’ve seen, there’s no way it’s not 9 out of 9, right?
Due to excessive profanity, user Shen Qingqiu has been muted for ten minutes.
✈️: AHAHAHAHA
✈️: bro, you’re so cooked
✈️: Ready for the next volume?
✈️: Silence means yes
✈️: Perfect! Onward we go!
✈️: …
✈️: I feel a sudden chill. Either you’re cursing me or my king has come to visit
✈️: Whatever!!
✈️: This is the most fun I’ve had since I got to this place, I’m not going to let anything ruin it!