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Kaiman couldn’t sleep.
Getting to sleep wasn’t the problem; he’d never had trouble with that. The problem was staying asleep. Ever since he’d gotten his face back several weeks ago, his nightmares had gotten worse. A lot worse. He was lucky when he could manage more than a couple hours before inevitably waking up in a cold sweat with his heart pounding and stomach churning.
They weren’t his old nightmares; those he knew had been from Curse, and he’d been able to get used to those, even if they sucked. These nightmares were from him - his own memories. Those were worse than anything Risu’s magic had been able to conjure up. They were real. He knew, because the blood of his friends and allies still felt fresh on his hands and made him sick with horror and disgust.
Well. Whatever. It was better not to think about it, and if sleeping brought those memories to the surface, it was better to sleep as little as possible. Nikaido was starting to notice something was wrong, though. It hadn’t escaped him that she’d been sending him home from work early, or that she’d been letting him steal food without comment. She hadn’t said anything yet, which he was grateful for, but he could see that she was waiting for him to confess his problems to her. He would, honestly, except there really wasn’t anything she could do to help and it would only make her worry. Better not to say anything.
On the other hand, Kasukabe had made some very pointed remarks about the dark circles under his eyes and sluggishness about the hospital. He couldn’t even deny it; he’d been damned the moment he forgot to complain when the professor called him Ai. He forgot how well he knew him sometimes, and while Kaiman had managed to avoid all of his attempts to drug him with sleeping pills, it was only a matter of time before he slipped up.
As it turned out, Kasukabe hadn’t even needed the sleeping pills to get Kaiman to admit defeat.
It was shortly after the lunch rush. He’d gone into the store room to get something for Nikaido. It was hard to walk for some reason, and when he looked down, he saw the room had been flooded with black sludge up to his knees and was quickly rising. Soon it was past his neck and he was drowning in the stuff. It burned like acid as it seeped into his skin and filled his lungs and he reached out desperately for something, anything to hold onto. Finally, he grasped something roundish and pulled it close.
A head. It was a head. He was surrounded by hundreds of severed heads, faces distorted by mutilation and death. Risu’s head was in his hands.
Why? It said. Why, Aikawa? I thought we were friends.
Aikawa awoke with a gasp. No, not Aikawa, he thought as he struggled to remember to breathe. Who was he, again? Right, he was Kaiman now, wasn’t he? It was getting harder to remember these days.
He slipped out of bed. Wait. This wasn’t his bed. This… wasn’t this Nikaido’s room? How had he…?
He groaned, dragging his hands over his face. How had he gotten into this mess?
His shoes were beside the bed. He slipped them on and padded down the stairs. Pushing open the door to the restaurant, he hesitated before stepping inside. Luckily, the only occupants were Nikaido, Kasukabe, Dokuga, and Tetsujo, the former nursing beers at the bar, apparently deep in conversation while the two cross-eyes cleaned tables. That was odd. He’d clearly been out for a few hours, but the Hungry Bug wasn’t supposed to close for a while yet. He’d had the schedule memorized for years and Nikaido rarely wavered.
The sorceress in question raised her head when he entered, face brightening when she saw him upright.
“Hey, Kaiman!” She said, coming to meet him, her voice thick with relief. “How’re you doing? Are you feeling okay?”
“Fine,” he lied, avoiding her gaze and kicking himself internally for making her worry. “What, uh… what happened, exactly? Last I remember I was working around the shop like usual.”
“You passed out!” Kasukabe chirped, far too satisfied for Kaiman’s liking. He glowered at the professor, who only sipped his beer smugly in response.
“It’s true,” Nikaido said. “We were all worried.”
All of them? Kaiman kind of doubted that. Nikaido, sure; maybe the professor, too, with his unusual way of showing it. But the boys? Not a chance. Yet, as Kaiman spared a glance at them, he noticed that they were eyeing him with something other than distrust. It wasn’t concern, but perhaps a distant cousin to it.
“Kaiman, are you sure you’re alright?” Nikaido asked, her brows furrowed as she stared up at him.
Oh no. He couldn’t lie to her when she was looking at him like that. He wanted to smooth those worry lines away with a gentle hand and hold her until her perfect blue eyes were no longer clouded with worry. In his exhaustion, he almost did it. Now that would be damning, now wouldn’t it?
“I’m fine,” he said again. “I just haven’t been sleeping very well.”
“I kinda figured,” she said, hands on her hips. “How long has this been going on?”
“Uh…” he faltered. “Since, uh, since I got my face back, I think.”
“What?” She exclaimed. “Kaiman, that was over two months ago! Have you really not been sleeping all this time?”
“I’ve slept!” He protested weakly. “Look, I’m still able to work.”
“Not if you pass out in the middle of your shift, you can’t,” Kasukabe said.
At this, Kaiman pointed an accusing finger at him. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed you trying to drug me for weeks now.”
“I have. And if you hadn’t been avoiding my attempts you would’ve had a nice twelve hour nap by now and we wouldn’t be having this problem.”
“I wouldn’t be able to avoid it if I was sleep deprived, would I?”
“Oh, so you normally pass out at work?”
“Guys!” Nikaido butted in. “Kaiman, Professor Kasukabe is right. You’re going to work yourself to death if you keep going like this!”
Good, he thought spitefully. But that wasn’t fair. He didn’t actually want to die, not anymore. Not after all the trouble Nikaido went through to bring him back (though that was out of necessity, he wasn’t kidding himself about that). Besides, it would piss off a bunch of people if he kicked the bucket again. They’d probably find a way to bring him back - again - if only to yell at him for being stupid enough to die. So really, there was no point.
He sighed, defeated.
“So, what? You got any bright ideas? It’s not like I haven’t tried sleeping.”
Nikaido looked at him for a moment.
“You boys can go on home for the day,” she said, turning to the cross-eyes. “I expect to see you both back bright and early tomorrow, got it?”
They echoed back a polite “Yes ma’am,” and left.
“I’ll let you handle this this time, Nikaido,” Kasukabe said, standing as well. “but Ai, if this keeps up, I will drug you. That’s a promise, not a threat.”
“Yeah, sure,” Kaiman said, though he didn’t doubt it. Kasukabe would do anything he decided to put his mind to. They were similar in that way.
Soon, it was just him and Nikaido in the restaurant. Nikaido went behind the bar while Kaiman slipped into his usual seat. It was a quiet, companionable atmosphere as she cooked, and Kaiman felt himself relaxing for the first time in a while. Before long, she was placing a plate of dumplings in front of him. Somehow, it always seemed to come back to this: Kaiman, Nikaido, and a steaming plate of oba gyoza between them.
“I’m glad to see you haven’t lost your appetite, at least,” she commented, smiling.
“For your gyoza? Never.” His face was already stuffed.
“So,” she ventured, “what’s eating you?”
He snorted at the pun.
“I dunno, just nightmares, I guess.”
“Nightmares? I thought those would go away since Risu’s Curse isn’t on you anymore.”
“Yeah, those are gone. But this isn’t that.” He hesitated. “They’re memories, really.”
“Memories?”
“Yeah. I had ‘em before, too, but it’s worse since I got my face back. Before I could at least pretend like the guy that did all that shit was someone else, but now I see him in the mirror every day.”
“It’s harder to compartmentalize,” she said, nodding. Kaiman shrugged.
“Yeah, I guess.”
“Hmm.”
She was silent for a while as she waited for him to finish eating. As soon as he did, she grabbed his hand and pulled him in the direction of the stairs to her apartment.
“Come on, I have an idea.”
“O-oh okay,” he stuttered, surprised by the contact. It wasn’t like she’d never held his hand before, it just wasn’t a common occurrence. Her hand was warm and calloused and so much smaller than his. Kaiman felt his cheeks warm.
All too soon, they reached her room where she slipped out of his grasp to dig for something in a drawer. Kaiman tried not to mourn the contact. It was so much better to focus on her than his own chaotic thoughts.
“Here,” she said tossing a towel and a pair of sweatpants at him, which promptly smacked him in the face. “Go take a shower, you look like shit.”
“What, here? Wait,” he said, holding up the pants, “these are mine! I’ve been looking for these!”
“I’m gonna go clean up downstairs,” she said quickly, making for the door.
“Nikaido! Why do you have these?”
She was already gone.
—————
Yeah, these were definitely his sweatpants, Kaiman thought as he stepped out of the bathroom. They still fit just fine, and the only other person he knew who was remotely his size was Risu and… wait, Risu had stayed with Nikaido for a time, hadn’t he? Had Risu even owned sweatpants?
How was Risu, anyway? Kaiman’s mind wandered. He hadn’t seen him in a couple months, since Risu was busy with devil training. A part of him wished Risu was here; his former partner had always been a good distraction from the shittier parts of his life. At least, that was before their relationship had been tainted by a blade to the neck and a vengeful death curse. Now he could hardly look at his old friend without feeling that guilt. He had no right to impose on Risu anymore. He deserved every bit of his curse…
“Hey, Kaiman?” Nikaido waved a hand in front of his face. “You okay? Looks like you spaced out there for a minute.”
“Yeah, sorry,” he said, embarrassed. He hadn’t even noticed her come back upstairs, which if anything was a testament to his exhaustion. “Just tired.”
“Okay then!” She said, manhandling him towards the bed as much as she could without actually picking him up - something she was entirely capable of doing despite being half his size. “Sit here. I’m gonna go take a shower, and I expect you to still be here when I come out.”
“Yes ma’am,” he said with a mock salute and yawned. She rolled her eyes and grinned, disappearing into the bathroom.
By the time she came out, Kaiman was already asleep. Nikaido smiled, glad he was actually getting some rest. Unfortunately, she suspected that this was the easy part. She let her eyes sweep over his features from where he was sprawled on his back on her bed. His face was peaceful for now, at least.
She really did like his human face. She’d told him before that it was just so-so, but that had been the devil in her messing with him. She didn’t want to admit just how much it suited him. From the line of his jaw to the curve of his nose; his dark eyes and strong brow; it was all very him in a way that linked him intrinsically to the lizard man she’d initially come to know.
Almost without thinking, she let her fingers brush over his cheek. He sighed and leaned into her touch. She drew her hand back in a panic. The last thing she wanted was to wake him. But no, Kaiman was still sleeping. Thank goodness for that.
Well, it was still too early for her to be able to sleep. Nikaido grabbed a book from her nightstand - Asu had recommended it a few months back and she hadn’t gotten a chance to read it yet. She settled in beside her best friend, ready to be there for as long as he needed.
—————
It was comfortable here, despite the dilapidation of the building they had taken shelter in. Nikaido had settled in by his side, a warm weight against him. She was no longer under En’s mind control, and they had a diversion to keep him busy while they escaped far, far away. Everything was going to be okay.
Except… he could feel the handle of his knife in his hand. Why was he holding his knife? He looked down. Blood slicked the blade. Where… where had that blood come from?
Nikaido slumped beside him. He turned to her as her head slipped off the bloody stump of her neck into his lap. His heart froze in his chest, as his hands acted against his will and he picked up the head. Nikaido’s cold, dead eyes stared through him, accusingly.
You did this.
“Kaiman?”
Everyone’s dead, and it’s all your fault.
“Kaiman!”
He awoke with a jolt. Nikaido was looking down at him, concern filling her perfect, living blue eyes. Alive.
“Hey,” she said, “it’s okay. It was just a dream.”
“A dream,” he murmured, finding it hard to breathe for some reason.
“Yeah,” she said, as she pulled him in for a hug. “It’s not real. It’s okay.”
Kaiman swallowed hard. That’s right, it wasn’t real. He’d never actually killed Nikaido, had he? No, she was here, he thought as he wrapped his arms around her, resting his forehead on her shoulder. Nikaido was safe. He’d done everything he could to make sure of that. Right?
“You’re okay?” He asked, suddenly needing to hear it from her.
“Of course.” He could hear the smile in her voice. “I can take care of myself, you know.”
He hummed an agreement. Kaiman could feel his pulse slowing from its earlier panicked beat. Nikaido was safe. Everything was okay.
—————
When Nikaido woke in the morning, she found herself crushed by the weight of another, much larger body. It took her a moment to remember that Kaiman had slept over, and that the softly snoring mass on top of her was in fact not a threat but her incredibly sleep-deprived best friend who was finally getting some rest.
She’d been worried about him. Ever since he’d first begun to get his memory back almost two years ago - since the time she’d found him bleeding and eerily silent back at the school in Zagan - she’d been worried. Then they’d been separated, and he’d avoided her for months - to protect her from himself, she knew that now. Then there had been the events at the Central Department Store, where everything had come to a head. So many things had happened then. Terrible, terrible things.
On the surface it seemed like things had gone back to normal, but Nikaido knew better. She knew that the events of that year had affected Kaiman more than he liked to admit, and she knew that it had only gotten worse since Haru changed his face back. She was glad that she’d been able to help in some small way.
Unfortunately, now it created a small conundrum - she was pinned, and she needed to go down to start up the shop. She could throw him off, but that would undoubtedly wake Kaiman up and she couldn’t bring herself to do that. She couldn’t wiggle her way out from under him either…. What to do?
Nikaido resigned herself to staying put. Kaiman needed his sleep, and the shop could wait a few hours before opening. If she was honest, she was no stranger to nightmares and long nights staring at the ceiling, either. That long, awful year had affected her, too. But tonight had been some of the best sleep she’d had since En had first taken her captive, and she could guess why. She’d always felt safer with Kaiman by her side, even when evidence suggested the contrary. She could take care of herself, yes, but the two of them together? They could take on the world.
Nikaido closed her eyes. She deserved rest too. When they woke up, they could deal with what needed to be dealt with.
Together.