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The cold apartment mocked Marvin. It wasn't as warm as it used to be. Nothing was as warm as it used to be, not even his birthday. Traditionally, it'd be a happy day. One where everyone celebrates your life, but today, it felt like no one was there to celebrate. It was a day to mourn, a day to grieve. Nothing seemed to be worth celebrating when Marvin lost the brightest light in his life. The cold air continued to blow against Marvin's limp body, a body that yearned for sleep, a body that yearned for someone's loving touch. A love that he'll never get to experience again, oh how Marvin wished he could hold him for one hour more.
Then Marvin's alarm started ringing, and a groan escaped his lips as he desperately reached towards it to turn it off. He used to be so grateful to wake up in the morning to see a face that was so familiar and somehow so comforting to look at. It was gone now, no point to reminisce. It pained Marvin to get up out of bed, but he knew he had to. It was gonna happen eventually, so he might as well do it now.
His bare feet against the cold wooden floor wasn't the most comfortable feeling in the world. It was bugging him. Every part of his body was cold. It was a terrible morning, but when is it not? His heavy body managed to walk himself to the bathroom. How long has it been since he shaved? Marvin couldn't recall the last time he even thought about shaving. He had a full-on beard now. His eye bags were more visible than they used to be. How would Whizzer think of him now? Marvin didn't feel as good as he used to. Maybe it was because he was gone. Marvin's eyes went to look down at his razor. It was rusting. He sighed and threw it out, shaving would have to wait for a little longer. He looked at his toothbrush next. He had been meaning to replace it for a while. It's been longer than ‘a while’, he was supposed to replace it the day his life fell apart. Marvin needed to be strong, not just for himself but for everyone around him.
The bristles were hard against his teeth. They were so old. If he had Whizzer here, these would've been replaced ages ago. He was helpless without him. Has he always been this worthless? Marvin's gums were bleeding. He was brushing too hard. He spat out the excess toothpaste and turned on the sink. He watched as the red liquid went down the drain. Happy birthday to Marvin.
The air was still cold, he was cold. Marvin longed for the warmth of Whizzer, a warmth that was unknown and forgotten at this point. Marvin wished he remembered how warm Whizzer was, but he could barely remember how he smelled. He doesn't dare touch the half empty bottle of cologne Whizzer bought. He can't bring himself to bring back so many memories. The brunette looked at the mirror again. He couldn't recognize himself anymore. He was so far gone. His eyes started getting glossy, Marvin let out a little chuckle as tears started welling in his eyes. Who was he without his Whizzer Brown? Maybe one day he'll figure that out.
The kitchen was no different, except it was missing something, no. It was missing someone. The handsome figure was replaced with grief. It was no longer the place where Marvin could relax. He felt a sense of stress just looking at the kitchen. Speaking of the kitchen; it was a mess. Usually, he would've never let it get this bad, but he couldn't bring himself to clean it. He couldn't clean how he liked. Whizzer always complained that Marvin didn't clean like how he did and how he should watch him clean so he could get the hang of it. Marvin always complained about how nit-picky he was, but right now, he wished for nothing more to have him complain about how he cleaned.
The brunette stared at the fridge. When was the last time he cleaned it out? It was probably a few months ago. Since then, he's gained a few, and he's only eaten take out. Sure, Marvin's been to the gym a few times since Whizzer died, but no more than 30 minutes. It was hard to take care of himself. Marvin is simply a shell of the man he used to be. How he so badly wished his lover was next to him to get him through this. He desperately wanted him to hold him and say it's gonna be okay, but he's just a figment of his imagination now. Whizzer was never gonna be able to tell him it was okay ever again, and that thought alone was enough to make Marvin panic.
Marvin just wanted to hear Whizzer say his name one more time, just one more time. One more kiss, one more hug, one more meaningless conversation.
Maybe that would be his birthday wish when he blew out the candles. That would be the one thing in his mind. Have his Whizzer back.
He just wanted to hear him breathe. Was that too much to ask? He felt pathetic asking, no, begging for something that he knew would never come back. No one could replicate that. Not even a robot, Marvin would be able to tell the difference. He longed for something that could make him feel better. He didn't know what to do without him. No matter how much he tried to get over him, nothing ever worked. No one could ever be him. Was it because Whizzer was his first gay relationship? Was that the problem? Even when they weren't together, he longed to be in his arms. Marvin was a better person because of Whizzer, and he was ripped away from him.
Marvin was always told things happened for a reason, so why'd the man he was ready to marry die? Why him out of all people? What was the reason for this? Why did it have to be the person whose smile lit up every room he walked in? Marvin questioned everything since that day. It was never fair. How could God take the love of his life, the only person his son ever liked.
The only person his son liked, that's what drew Marvin to him. All he's ever wanted was a tight-knit family, and when he got it, he thought everything was finally okay. He could finally relax and love without consequence. It was a horrible feeling to remember all of this. Was this a punishment by god?
Marvin put his head in his hands and tried to pull himself back to reality and finally do something useful. He walked towards the fridge and opened it, a rotten smell lingered behind it. He couldn't help but start tearing up, he let himself go, he let everything go. The cold air from the fridge wafted in his face as he tried not to throw up. The only thing keeping him going is his son. Jason was his everything. If he left him behind, then what? What would happen to his boy? Marvin couldn't make him go through that again. He had already lost someone so dear to him.
Marvin just cried as he cleaned out the fridge. He was never an emotional man, but something about this was just so bitter. It wasn't in the way Whizzer wanted. He would've organized it beforehand and then decided what he wanted gone. The smell never faded, and the fridge smelled horrible. He just threw everything away. It was all contaminated with his lover’s touch. Today is a bad day.
Hours of unsatisfied cleaning passed, and it was suddenly the afternoon. Jason would be coming over soon. Trina told him there would be a surprise waiting for him. It made him feel a bit better about this day, a day that should be celebrated. He unconsciously hummed a melody, a familiar one at that. It gave him great comfort, a song that once played all the time. Whizzer loved it. Jesus, did everything have to be connected to Whizzer? He stopped humming, and he sat in silence.
The silence was almost piercing, something that used to be so foreign in this home that it was now so normal. It was almost like he was waiting for someone's voice to break the barrier, to have something to listen to. He knew deep down that no one was there, no one would be able to break this sort of silence. A silence that was filled with such grief, something that was so strong no one could break it. Grief came in all different shapes and sizes, Marvin's happened to be shaped like a fire truck that was speeding towards him at 150 miles per hour. He wished it was an actual fire truck, then he'd get to see Whizzer again. He'd do anything to see him, anything to see the light of his life.
he stared at his watch, 1:43 pm, Jason was supposed to arrive at 4:30 pm. Marvin sighed. Maybe he should pull himself together before his son arrives.