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Sunlight shone through the partially opened blinds, brightening the room considerably. This never used to be a problem when he was in the old room. His old window was facing the south, being blocked from any natural sunlight by the house adjacent to theirs. But now, the sun brightly lit up his room, making him seriously consider getting black out curtains for his window. Kaz shoved his head under the pillow, doing his best to get any more sleep that he could.
It had been a rough couple of months, and the night before, the Crows had pulled off their heist almost flawlessly. Of course, almost flawless meant that Jesper had shot his pistols a few times, someone would wake up this morning with a knife wound going straight through their hand, pinning them to the wall, and someone else lay in their underclothes, hands and feet tied behind their backs with the very clothes they wore the night prior. It was supposed to be a stealth mission, get in, get the money, and get out.
Nonetheless, they had gotten the loot they’d been after, and one of the large bags of money sat on his floor, behaving as a doorstop. He promised himself he would deal with it when he woke up, that all of the paperwork would be completed quickly, and they would have no issues proving the legality of their attained monetary increase. The Dregs, of course, owned several legitimate businesses in the casino and adult entertainment variety, though there was a nice profit in the sidelines with their other methods of operation. He would just need to get out of bed and complete the required paperwork.
When it became clear to him that he would not be getting any more sleep that morning, Kaz tore the pillow away from his head, hearing it thump lightly on the floor. His leg was throbbing, and he used a hand to lightly massage the muscles in his upper thigh, and sat up with a groan. Immediately catching his gaze was a silver tray that sat atop his desk with a glass of orange juice, a bowl of oatmeal, and a piece of peanut butter toast. Kaz grabbed his watch from the side table, and realized it was ten in the morning.
He’d slept much longer than he’d intended to. Of course he’d been trying to sleep in, but that usually meant waking up at seven as opposed to four thirty in the morning. Unease crept into his chest as he wondered how Inej had been able to sneak the food into his room without him waking up. After being in foster care for five years, going into the criminal world at thirteen, and being on edge at almost every minute of the day, he was a very light sleeper, always on edge, rarely actually getting any sleep. He didn’t like the idea that he’d been so vulnerable that he didn’t hear someone coming into his room without his knowledge, even if it was only Inej.
His head ached slightly, and his throat was more sore than normal, but he did his best to ignore it. Sickness had been plaguing Ketterdam for the better part of the month, and he had taken every precaution to avoid catching anything. His Crows had been instructed to take the same precautions, taking vitamins, washing their hands, and they’d been considerably restrained from most of their usual activities. He’d made the excuse that they couldn’t afford anyone to get sick before this heist, and that was partly true.
In all honesty though, Kaz couldn’t stand the idea of getting sick. His gloves had obviously helped with the touch aversion, however it was also a necessary item for him to feel safer in terms of sickness and germs. After he’d been taken out of Mr. Hertzoon’s custody, Kaz had been sick for months. The doctors had said it was a mix of being in the freezing water for several days, the twenty other victims of his floating in the same water, bloating and decomposing, and the intensity of the formaldehyde that he’d inhaled and partially swallowed when Hertzoon was preparing to burn him and his brother had immensely weakened his immune system. Kaz would always be more susceptible to becoming ill, but he took every precaution imaginable to avoid it.
His chest felt heavy, his breathing coming in quicker suspension than normal. He decided it was because he had just woken up, and not because it didn’t feel like he was getting enough air into his lungs. He’d been feeling off for the past week, but today it seemed to be worse. Perhaps he would not be getting the paperwork done today after all. He took another look at the tray of food and felt his stomach clench at the thought of eating any of it. He usually didn’t eat much for breakfast, perhaps just a piece of toast or some strange smoothie Jesper wanted to try out.
Kaz threw his legs off the side of his bed, and tried to gauge how necessary his cane and gloves were going to be today. His knee twinged unhappily as he’d gotten into an upright position, but he didn’t feel like his sudden weight on his legs would cause him to collapse into a pile on the ground. He closed his hands into a fist a few times, then ran a hand over the opposite arm and then on his cheek. Bile started rising up his throat, so he quickly removed his hand from his own skin and felt disgust with himself.
He’d gotten so much better with touch, being able to hold hands with Inej for long periods of time (even after their hands began sweating through the long periods of touch) and he’d even gotten as good as being able to have her lay against him or have his body pressed against hers for the better part of an hour. He’d been doing so much better. The only reason he’d needed his gloves recently was due to he sickness spreading through their island. Today, however, he couldn’t even stomach the feel of his own hands.
Kaz took a few deep breaths (or he tried to, coming up short with a few shallower breaths) and swallowed the bile back down his throat. He grabbed his gloves from the nightstand table and quickly slipped them into place, feeling at home with the familiar feel of leather encompassing his skin. Finally, he got up, and limped to his closet where he found a pair of black jeans and a dark red button up shirt.
He looked at himself in the little mirror Inej had left on his desk when she’d been doing her make up the day prior, and fixed his hair. He went to the bathroom and quickly brushed his teeth and splashed a bit of water on his hair to try to get it to comply. He wasn’t planning on using any hair gel or spray today, seeing as though he doubted he would be able to stomach a shower with the harshness of his skin sensitivity. Seeing as though he was at least somewhat presentable, ignoring the large bags over his eyes, he slowly made his way to the common parts of the house.
Inej and Nina sat quietly talking together at the kitchen island, a cup of coffee in each woman’s hand, a large piece of paper between the two of them. The closer he got, he was able to see they were working on a giant coloring book page with a cat and frog having a picnic on a mushroom. Inej had been carefully coloring in the frog, using shading techniques she’d learned from Wylan, making it look very realistic, while Nina had made the cat a very bright blue with red stripes and a pink underbelly.
Matthias and Wylan were sitting in the living room playing a racing game on Nina’s switch, and it looked like Matthias was losing badly. Jesper was sitting at the kitchen table, playing a game of solitaire with himself.
None of the group were speaking very loudly, other than the occasional swear from Matthias, and the victory cry Wylan made anytime someone hit his banana or when he passed the finish line first. The curtains were all pulled open, letting in a lot of natural lighting, making Kaz want to curl up into a ball and slink back into his room. Before he could do that though, Jesper looked up from his game. “Morning boss. Sleep well?”
No, no he had not. He felt more restless and exhausted than he was before he’d gone to bed. He probably would have felt better just drinking an energy drink and staying up the entire night. The back of his throat still felt rough, so he elected to give Jesper a curt nod of the head. Inej turned to look at him from her seat. Kaz felt a small amount of pressure be released from his chest as she looked at him. Their eyes met, and he was captured by her beautiful brown eyes.
Kaz Brekker was not a soft man. He’d done many things in his short twenty two years of life that many men in Hellgate penitentiary would cower away from. He’d cut out a man’s eye and thrown him to the sharks. He’d picked up the Dregs from the streets and turned it into a very profitable business and the most feared gang in all of Kerch. He’d threatened a little girl, making her believe that he was a boogey man and would kill her and her entire family if she told anyone she saw him. He’d tracked down and tortured, maimed, and killed almost all of the known associates of Jakob Hertzoon who had gotten out of any type of punishment from the courts and justice system. Kaz Brekker, Dirtyhands himself, the Bastard of the Barrel, the Demjin, had done things that would make the Devil himself cower in fear, and he was nowhere close to done with the plans he had for the world. Kaz Brekker was not a soft man, but Inej had a way of making him want nothing more than to hold her in his arms (or vice versa) and forget about anything and everything. To just feel her pressed against him, just to know that they were both safe, and there was nothing that could change that.
At this moment, Kaz wanted nothing more than for her to walk over to him, wrap her arms around him, and just be held. To smell her strawberry scented shampoo, feel her hands around his back, playing with his hair, whispering soothing nothingness to him. He wanted to be the boy he never got to be.
Her eyes drifted down to his hands, and seeing them covered in his signature black gloves, her shoulders drooped almost imperceptibly so. The weight and pressure that had left his chest when she first looked at him suddenly dropped back down tenfold. He knew she tried to hide it, but her disappointment any time he kept his armor up, wore his gloves around any of them, always made him feel worse about himself. He had promised himself he would become the man she needed, the person who was good enough, strong enough for her. He’d promised himself. He knew that he was twisted, crooked, wrong, but not so broken that he couldn’t pull himself together into some semblance of a man for her. So far, he’d been failing. He hadn’t become that man yet.
Kaz limped his way into the kitchen and poured himself a cup of coffee. His hands shook slightly, and he knew it took much more effort to breathe. There was a sharp pain in his chest, something that he did his best to ignore. Kaz was used to pain, a little extra wasn’t the end of the world, he would push through and no one needs to know that he might be dying, might be sick, might be drowning, might be burning, might be-
Coffee splashed on the countertop. He gently placed the cup on the counter and used a paper towel to clean the mess. His hands were shaking too much for this nonsense. He was excellent at sleight of hand, a master of picking locks. He had a steady hand. So why wouldn’t his hands stop shaking? And why did it feel like it was halfway to freezing in their house, and why was he sweating. Perhaps he shouldn’t have actually left his room today.
But he knew that wasn’t an option. Since he’d switched rooms with Matthias and Nina to the first floor, he felt as though he should spend more time in the common areas. They’d switched with him so he wouldn’t need to brave the stairs everyday, would be able to hang out with them more often, even if it was just answering the correspondence at the kitchen table rather than up in his room. “Kaz lovely? Are you alright?”
Kaz bristled slightly at the pet name, still not used to Nina or anyone else using any term of endearment toward him. With Inej it was different. He and Inej were together, and they’d used nicknames and endearment long before they actually confessed their feelings for one another. Their weird “found family” as Jesper and Nina had so eloquently put it when they’d all moved in with Kaz still felt strange to the boy who had spent so many years building walls around his heart. He’d forgotten the language of love and kindness, replacing it with the language of vengeance, spite, greed, and angles. Everyone always had a reason for what they did, how they did things. It seemed improbable that someone would treat another nicely for the sole purpose of being nice. Of caring about the other. Kaz swallowed painfully before nodding his head again. “Perfect.”
He took a steadying breath (too much effort, he was getting slightly light headed) and picked up his mug with steady hands this time. He limped his way toward the dining table and sat at his usual seat. “Are you sure? You look a bit pale. Well, more so than usual.”
”I said I’m fine.” Kaz hadn’t meant to snap. He usually had a much better handle on his emotions while he was around his Crows, doing his best not to let Kaz Brekker loose around them. They didn’t deserve to be on the receiving side of Dirtyhands, and he immediately regretted it. He heard the game Matthias and Wylan were playing get paused, and he felt all of their eyes gazing at him now. He never should have left his room this morning. He probably shouldn’t be around them either, in case he was sick (he wasn’t, he couldn’t be) he shouldn’t be around them to make them sick.
The collar of his button up shirt suddenly felt too tight, as if he were being choked (he knew what that felt like, the many fights he’d been in teaching him well). He knew sweat had started beading on his forehead. He needed to get away from them, needed to get out of this constricting shirt. He stood suddenly, nearly collapsing when his knee gave out on him, but he caught himself on the table. He limped heavily back toward his room, using the walls and various furniture to keep him up. With his hand on the doorknob, he turned his head slightly toward Nina. “Sorry.”
He limped the rest of the way, closing the door harsher than he meant to and began furiously undoing the buttons of his shirt. He didn’t feel as though he could breathe until the shirt was thrown to the corner of the room. He grabbed his cane and went into the bathroom. He took one of the hand towels that hung on the ring and wiped his face with it. He then used it to wipe the back of his neck and anywhere else that might be getting drenched in sweat. He shivered violently, and had to catch himself on the countertop. How was he sweating and freezing at the same time?
He’d made it back to his bed, lying down on it unceremoniously, wrapping himself up in the large duvet. He hadn’t bothered removing his gloves or jeans, suddenly not having any energy to, just needing to warm up.
~~~~~~
The five of them just stared at the door Kaz had just slammed shut. Nina’s eyes felt impossibly big as she tried to register what had just happened. Kaz Brekker had just apologized to her. This was absolutely going on her imaginary blog. She placed her red colored pencil down on the countertop, and swiveled her chair to see the rest of the Crows. “Doth mine ears deceive me?”
”No, no they doth not.” Jesper responded, standing up from his chair, walking over to where Kaz had left his coffee. In any other circumstance, the look on Jesper’s face would have caused Nina to laugh, but she felt just as flabbergasted as Jesper looked. Jesper used a napkin and wiped the table, revealing there were droplets of coffee on the table next to the cup. “Mine eyes don’t deceive me either. Kaz was shaking.”
Inej was on her feet immediately, standing next to Jesper to look at the napkin. Nina continued to sit where she’d been, unsure as to what she should do. She and Matthias shared a look. She knew he’d been angry when he first heard Kaz snap, pausing the game quickly to look at the other man. It wasn’t that they weren’t used to the occasional harsh words and tone coming from the man, but it was becoming far less frequent. The anger lines on Matthias’s forehead had shifted into more of a concerned look.
Wylan turned off the switch and tv, before the two of them walked to the kitchen. “He hasn’t been looking too great for the past week. A lot paler than normal. And just from what I’ve seen, I think he’s been struggling to breathe.”
”So what, you think he’s sick?” Jesper asked, resting his elbow on Wylan’s shoulder. It was a plausible explanation, Nina thought. She knew she got cranky when sick. Or hungry. Or too cold. Okay, perhaps she shouldn’t be comparing her own mood swings with Kaz’s.
Nina thought back over the last few weeks, realizing there was definitely something wrong with the man. They’d been paired up for a part of the heist the night before, and even with his limp, she’d never seen him need to stop as frequently as he had. He also would never complain about it, but she could have sworn she’d seen sweat beading on his forehead while they stood in the 60 degree courtyard. “There has been a cold sweeping the city. If he’s caught it, and not taken care of himself with the simple cold, it could easily evolve into something much more sinister.”
Inej nodded her head once. “He’s not gotten sick very often since I’ve known him, but he also takes immense steps to prevent it. But that doesn’t mean he does everything he needs to to keep from getting sick.”
A muffled noise could be heard through the room Kaz had escaped to, and Nina recognized it as a cough. From the sound of it, she knew it was a painful one. They listened as their boss, their roommate, their friend coughed for who knows how long, and tried to come up with a game plan for what to do. Kaz had never been good at expressing how he was feeling, or what he needed. Nina watched Jesper pull out his phone and begin calling someone.
“Anika darling! Hello, how are you? I am doing fantastic as always, thank you so much for asking. Might I ask for a favor from you? I need you to cancel any and all of Kaz’s meetings for about the next week. Something’s come up. He will never know it was you. You are a brilliant and wonderful woman, as always. Alright, bye-bye.” Nina couldn’t help but laugh at the way he casually flipped his phone in the air to punctuate that the call was over. He easily caught it and put it back in his pocket. “Alright, well our dear friend will not be going into work any time soon, now we need to figure out how to make him feel better.”
“Depending on how bad it is, we might need to take him to see a doctor, or call a doctor here.” Matthias said. They all looked at one another with the same look in their eyes. Kaz hated going to the doctor almost as much as he hated getting arrested. He never explained why, but none of them ever tried to push him, making it clear that he was free to air his thoughts on his own timeline.
“I could call one of my old instructors from when I was nursing. Genya only works with children now, but she still knows her stuff. Maybe that would help, someone who knows how to keep kids calm should be able to manage to refrain from getting stabbed.” Nina offered. Inej squeezed her hand quickly. “We will definitely keep that in mind. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that.”
The group of five quickly made their plan for how they would aid Kaz as he was clearly sick. Nina and Matthias started moving the furniture in the living room so that there was nothing blocking the path to the couch. They pushed the ottoman against the couch to make it look like a very large bed. They quickly pulled out all of the throw blankets and made a very plush place for Kaz to be able to lay if he felt like coming out into the living room. Wylan came into the room and placed a serving tray next to the spot with a bowl of cough drops, medicine, water, and a mug in case he wanted any tea. On the floor he sat a large bowl with a bag lining it. Always best to be prepared for the worst case scenario.
~~~~~~
Jordie was supposed to be holding him up, but Kaz felt his head slip under the water. It was getting harder and harder to stay awake. Jordie had snot dripping down his nose, and every few moments a cough would wreak through his body making the water around them ripple in a sickening way. The bodies surrounding the two boys kept sliding and brushing up against Kaz, and several times he almost threw up from the smell or the feel of it. He’d only been able to refrain from vomiting in the pool because he knew it would end up touching him too.
Kaz dragged the back of his hand across his nose, trying to get rid of the snot that dripped down his own face. It was a fruitless effort of course, more snot immediately replacing the old, but he hated the way it felt when snot got onto his lips. His fingers were permanently pruned up, and the feel of them against Jordie’s arms felt weird and he didn’t like it. He really hoped Jakob Hertzoon would let them out of the pool first. His head slipped under the water again, and he hadn’t realized he’d started to go unconscious again. He quickly picked Jordie up as well.
His brother was breathing really shallowly, and his eyes were closed. “W-w-we’re going to b-be okay J-j-jordie.”
His brother only nodded shallowly, another big cough escaping him, making the water ripple again. A hand fell onto Kaz’s shoulder and he screamed before he could stop himself. This hand was incredibly wrinkled, even more than Kaz’s was, and there were parts of it that seemed to no longer have skin on it. It was bloated and water logged. Kaz could tell the nails had previously been painted red, but the paint was chipped and barely on the nails any more. Kaz felt his throat get sore, and he did his best to suppress the cough. He didn’t want to keep moving. He didn’t want to stay in the water, he didn’t want to be here. He missed his dad. He missed the farm. It wasn’t fair.
Something touched his face. He lashed out, arms and legs flailing to get whatever it was away from him. He’d woken up in the pool with someone’s fingers in his mouth and he wasn’t keen on letting anything else enter his mouth without his permission. He settled again, and waited. Nothing else seemed to try to touch him, and he relaxed as much as anyone could in a large pool of dead bodies. His ears were ringing and he began coughing again and again, suddenly unable to catch a breath. It felt like water had gotten into his lungs, but he knew he’d kept his head above water. He heard someone saying something to him, but he didn’t know who or what. He didn’t recognize the voice. It wasn’t Jordie.
His hand shot down to his leg, a searing pain in his thigh that was so familiar to him, but he didn’t know why. His legs had been sore since they got into the pool, not having a break from treading the water, but it never felt like this. He heard the voice again. It was a girl’s voice. She sounded like she knew him, but he couldn’t focus on her. He needed to keep swimming, to keep him and Jordie alive. Jordie was unconscious, and Kaz couldn’t let his head slip under the water.
It was hard though. He kept coughing, a sharp pain in his chest every time he took a breath, his leg wasn’t faring any better. He half wished it would just fall off, at least then he wouldn’t feel the pain. The water was freezing, and everything was sore from how hard he was shivering.
A cold compress was suddenly placed on his forehead, and Kaz shot up in the bed, ignoring the ache in his leg, chest, and head as he did so. He snatched the wet rag from whoever was next to him and threw it blindly away from him. His leg protested badly as he altered his position, and it helped bring him back into the room he was in now. He wiped his forehead on the blanket he had wrapped himself in. “No wet.”
He knew it didn’t make much sense, but it was all he could manage to say before another round of coughs tore through his body. He watched as someone picked up the rag and placed it in a bowl of water. Jesper. Movement to his left caught his attention, and he saw Inej sitting on the bed, carefully maintaining a distance from him, although he knew she was the one that had just been touching him with the rag. “Sweetheart, you have a fever. We need to cool you down.”
A fever. That made sense. That would explain why he was sweating and also freezing. But he was not going to let anything wet like that touch him again. Not right now. He started to shake his head, but stopped as a wave of nausea overtook him. He closed his eyes and thankfully the bile that started to rise stayed below the surface. He knew Jesper and Inej were saying something, but he couldn’t hear what. He couldn’t tell if they were talking to him or to each other, but at the moment he didn’t have the patience or care to figure out which.
When the nausea finally subsided enough, he opened his eyes again and tried to position himself so that his leg wasn’t screaming at him any more. He’d been laying on the bed strangely and he already knew he was going to be having issues with it for days. “Boss, there’s not enough circulation in here. If we can’t get your fever down with a bath or the compress, we should move you out of the heat.”
He spoke slowly so Kaz could understand what he was saying. Kaz wished it was that simple, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to make the short walk from his bed to the living room even with his cane. That along with the fact that he was in a pair of jeans, his shoes, and gloves, he wasn’t in a position where he could move out of the room. “If Jes and I wear gloves, would we be able to touch you? Help you get into something more comfortable?”
With how his socks were bunched in his shoes and his belt was digging into his hips, Kaz wanted nothing more than to be in something more comfortable. He’d just been brought out of his head though, and he wasn’t sure if even gloved touch would be okay. He raised a shaky hand to his forehead and brushed the hair away from his face. “Maybe. Try.”
He wanted to say more, to get more than two fucking words out of his throat, but he knew that the next thing that would leave his lips was more than either of them bargained for, so he snapped his lips shut. Jesper left the room and came back shortly with two pairs of fuzzy gloves. Inej riffled through his dresser and found a set of green pajamas. Just a simple checkered pattern on the pants and a solid green long sleeve shirt. They were a very soft fabric, a texture that didn’t set off any triggers for him.
Before either of them moved toward Kaz, he stared at the gloves on his own hands. He knew they would need to come off before they could get the pajamas on, but the mere thought of revealing his own fingers, allowing the possibility of skin on skin contact made him shake. His palms were clammy and sweating, and he hated that he was getting worked up over a pair of gloves. After taking a steadying breath (that was interrupted by a concerningly long coughing fit that made his chest feel as if it were on fire and his lungs burn as if he were drowning and his throat scream as if he were cutting fine lines down the entire length of his throat) he took off the gloves, feeling the panic rise in his chest.
He rubbed the palms of his hands on his jeans, doing his best to dry them, though it was a fruitless effort as his nerves just caused him to sweat more. He nodded his head, hoping Inej and Jesper would get this over with quickly. He knew they were just doing this to help him (he shouldn’t need help, he was weak, he was pathetic, he was-) but he wasn’t sure how much help his body would allow him to take. The two of them quickly set about helping him change into the pajamas. His entire body ached, and even lifting his arms required immense effort. Jesper helped get the shirt over his head, and pulled it over his torso, the gloves brushing against his skin, causing a jolt from Kaz. His head almost went under the water, but he heard Jesper’s voice.
It was so much older than Jordie’s had been when they’d been keeping each other afloat in the water. He was only 13, still going through puberty, his voice cracking more often than he would ever dare to admit. Jesper’s voice wasn’t as deep or raspy as Kaz’s own voice, but he definitely didn’t sound like a 13 year old boy. And the dead didn’t talk (well Jordie did, but Kaz knew well enough that it was just a hallucination and that corpses didn’t talk). “Talk.”
He needed them to keep talking, say anything. It would help him. He knew it was selfish, telling them to do things for him, but he couldn’t help it. He didn’t want to be back in the metal pool, surrounded by corpses, holding his brother in his arms.
Kaz was too busy keeping the waters at bay to notice the look Jesper and Inej had shared with one another. It was not very often that Kaz was in precarious situations such as this one, but Inej felt a small glimmer of pride at hearing Kaz tell them what he needed. It may have just been one word, one raspy word, but it was enough. He was getting better at making requests (even if they sounded like orders). She nodded at Jesper to begin speaking as she started unlacing Kaz’s shoes.
“Alright Boss. We got the shirt on, and we just need to get you out of these Saints forsaken jeans. Why would anyone purposefully put jeans on when there’s no reason to leave the house? You should take after me and live in either sweats or a skirt.” He started ranting about the types of skirts that he thought Kaz would be able to rock, and Inej managed to remove the second shoe. She pulled off the bunched up socks and tossed them into Kaz’s dirty clothes basket.
If he felt like he was able to, Kaz would have shook his head at the absurdity of the idea of him in a skirt. He hadn’t realized how much his socks were bothering him, the seams digging into his feet at odd angles, the material bunched up in strange ways, feeling them off was almost heavenly. However, the relief didn’t stay long as he realized that the next step was to remove his jeans. Kaz wasn’t a modest man, he’d been in several situations throughout his twenty two years where people had seen him partially, if not completely unclothed. The heist the Crows had pulled when he was seventeen at the Ice Court in Fjerda had left him naked in front of most of the people living in the house.
He didn’t care that he was going to be undressed, and wasn't embarrassed about that. What he was concerned about was Inej. She’d arrived in Ketterdam when she was fourteen, sold here to work at the House of Exotics known as the Menagerie. It was absolutely despicable, the things Tante Heleen had forced her to do. He wished he’d had business with the Peacock earlier, wished he’d met Inej earlier. Perhaps he could have gotten her out of that house earlier. Unfortunately, he hadn’t been able to pay off her “indenture” until closer to her sixteenth birthday. She hardly talked about it, but he knew there were still many things that stayed with her from her time there.
He didn’t want her doing anything that would cause unwanted memories to make themselves known, and he was worried this would do that. He opened his eyes and stared at the woman he’d fallen in love with. His breathing had picked up as he worried for her wellbeing. He didn’t want to be the reason for her panic, of her own flashbacks. “Kaz, darling, you’re okay. Everything is okay. I promise. We’re going to work you out of your jeans now, I need you to lean back alright?”
Kaz felt himself lay against the sheets, tears had started to sting in his eyes, but he refused to let them fall. He wished so badly that he could do literally anything right, that he could get out of his own damned jeans on his own, without needing help, but his stupid hands were shaking too badly to be able to undo his belt and zipper, his leg was in too much pain to stand on or lift himself up to remove the cursed fabric. He felt someone’s weight on the bed next to him, and another at the foot of the bed where his legs rested. He let out a sharp cry as pain shot from his heel up to his hip as his leg was lifted. He knew that Inej and Jesper were still talking, but all he heard were their voices and a ringing in his ears. He couldn’t figure out what they were saying.
Usually when his pain was bad, Kaz was able to breathe through the pain, inhale vengeance, exhale spite. He couldn’t do that now. Breathing was too painful. He couldn’t breathe through his nose, congestion making it impossible, and his throat felt raw with each breath he took.
It took much longer than he would have cared to admit for him to realize that Inej and Jesper were no longer touching him, that his body was now clad in pajamas and a fresh pair of socks. Ones without the stupid toe seam. They were both talking to him, but when he finally opened his eyes, he saw they were both hovering a few feet away from the bed. The invisible barrier back in place, keeping them from touching him. He appreciated it. He hated it. He missed the pressure of their touch, missed the heat they emitted. He hated the reminder that he craved the very thing he couldn’t stand.
The ringing in his ears stopped, and his leg was now a very dull roar as opposed to the deafening scream it had been. “Whenever you’re ready, we can move you out to the living room, get you situated there. Do you want to try with your cane, or can we help you to the couch?”
He knew very well that his leg would give out on him the moment he tried to put any pressure on it. He tried to speak, but no words came out. He cleared his throat, coughed a few times and tried again ignoring the way it felt like a blowtorch was setting fire to his esophagus. “Can’t walk. Help.”
He knew that he should say please, that he should say thank you. He knew that was what he should do, they were helping him after all, but saying help already felt like it was too much. He was Kaz Brekker, Dirtyhands, the Bastard of the Barrel. He shouldn’t need help from anyone for anything.
Jesper came to his side and helped him sit up. Even the simple act of sitting up was almost too much for Kaz. He let his head droop forward for a moment, and he leaned against Jesper to keep him upright. He felt the younger man’s arms wrap around his shoulders after Kaz had caught his breath, and they painfully worked on getting Kaz standing upright. His head swam, the world felt like it was spinning. Nausea hit him again, and if he’d believed in them, Kaz would have thanked the Saints for Jesper’s grip keeping him steady.
Jesper wrapped Kaz’s arm around his shoulder and Inej sidled up against the other side of him, his arm wrapping around her shoulder as well. Kaz was putting all his weight on his good leg and the two beside him. He tried to take a step once he was less dizzy and as expected, his leg gave out from under him. Jesper took the brunt of the weight as they righted him again.
It took longer than he would have liked, and Kaz swore he blacked out for a moment due to the pain, because the next thing he remembered was sitting on the couch with a blanket wrapped around his legs. Kaz felt the lull of sleep pull at him again. He’d barely had enough time to take note of his surroundings before his eyes were sliding shut and he drifted back into unconsciousness.
~~~~~~
Inej turned the stove off as Nina picked the large pot of soup off the burner, placing it on one of the oven mitts. The two girls went about dishing up six servings of chicken noodle soup for the group, Inej adding more spices after dishing Kaz’s bowl. She loved him, but he could not handle the more exciting spices as well as the rest of them could during the best of times, and she didn’t want to risk upsetting his stomach with spices other than salt and pepper. There was a large chance this wasn’t going to sit well.
Wylan got up from the island where he’d been tinkering with some new technology he’d been putting together and began setting the tv trays for them to eat in the living room. Whenever all six of them were home, they tried to eat at the dining table together, but with Kaz feeling the way he was, they weren’t about to make him move from the couch, and Inej decided it would be best for them to be near him. Kaz liked to push people away when he felt anything less than perfect, but she knew he hated being alone. It was easier for him to ask for help when it seemed like it was what they were going to do anyway.
Kaz had been resting since her and Jesper got him to the couch. He’d given her quite a scare when he essentially fainted on the way to the couch. She might be a good dancer and acrobat, quick and light on her feet, but she stumbled as a lot of his weight suddenly transferred over to her. She hoped she hadn’t hurt his leg more than it was already bothering him as she struggled to keep him upright with Jesper’s help.
Jesper was sitting on the couch a cushion or so away from Kaz, giving him space but also close enough to help him if he needed anything. He was busy on his phone, playing a new Candy Crush knockoff that he’d already spent close to one hundred kruge on in two weeks. Someone really should delete that game off his phone. It was close to six in the evening, so they really should wake Kaz and get him to eat and drink something.
When all the tables were set up, Matthias and Nina started bringing the warm bowls to the living room, leaving Inej to wake Kaz. He looked to be having a much more relaxing sleep than he had been, his fever having gone down slightly in the cooler room. He still had sweat beading on his forehead, and coughs and uneven breaths still shook his form, but he was doing at least a little better. “Kaz, wake up my love. I need you to eat something for me.”
She continued to speak to him, sitting about a foot away from him to ensure he had space. After a while, Kaz opened his eyes and he used a hand to rub at his face. He looked confused, and it always seemed to amaze Inej how young he looked when just waking up. Before his mind is able to catch up with himself, remembering who he was, whatever he’d endured as a kid and teen, he looked almost like a bright eyed twenty two year old who had a bright future ahead of him. Of course, his future was very bright, just more aligned with breaking bones and picking locks, less aligned with an ordinary family and spotless record.
His brain caught up with him at some point, and the features on his face twisted to more of a frown, trying to conceal the pain and discomfort he must be feeling due to the headache. “Do you need anything before we eat? I have medicine ready for you to take as well.”
He shook his head slightly, not trusting his voice to come out correctly. She motioned for Wylan to bring the tray with Kaz’s food and he set it on the couch next to him. Kaz could choose to put the tray on his lap or change his position to whatever was most comfortable. He moved it onto his lap after shifting himself into a more upright position, his good leg bent underneath his bad one. She handed him a large glass of water along with several pills. He took them all quickly, only wincing slightly as they went down.
Matthias took a seat on one of the arm chairs, Nina following after him, plopping herself down on his lap before pulling the tray over to them. Wylan and Jesper sat on the opposite side of the couch, cuddled closely to one another, and Inej sat next to Kaz, far enough to not jostle the tray. After a lengthy discussion as to what they should watch, Nina finally got everyone (sans Kaz, he didn’t care) to agree to the first Harry Potter movie. They all ate their food, some more quickly than others, and made comments every now and again about the movie. Inej paid more attention to Kaz than she did the screen, watching the slow speed in which he ate, paying attention to the well concealed looks of discomfort he tried not to show.
Well into the movie, everyone else had finished their meal, and Kaz had eaten about half of the soup (it was more than Inej had expected of him, and she was very proud of him for trying). He pushed the bowl away from him slightly, and Jesper took the tray (he was already up getting himself a drink) and began cleaning it up. Kaz’s breathing was irregular, and his face was paler than previously, but she hoped whatever this was would pass quickly.
A large movement from the boy to her side brought her attention to him quickly. He’d lurched forward, his breathing hitching and a panicked look in his eyes. No sooner than she’d brought the bucket in front of his face, he took it and expelled most, if not all, of the soup he’d eaten. He heaved into it, his entire body shaking. She talked to him, trying to keep him in the present moment, and she rested a hesitant hand on his back. He leaned into the touch, not seeming to have any adverse reaction to the feeling, so she started rubbing his back gently as his heaving slowed down. When it was clear nothing else was going to be coming out, Nina handed him a bottle of water and a handkerchief to wipe his lips. Wylan took the container, replaced a new one by his feet, just in case, and then went to clean out the bucket.
Kaz was shaking, his breathing coming out in sharp breaths. Inej looked at Nina and nodded. It was time to get some kind of medical professional involved. As Nina walked away to make a call, Inej continued to rub Kaz’s back, giving him soft words of encouragement. She did her best not to react when he slowly lowered himself so that he was half laying on her lap. She just kept rubbing his back and gently played with his hair. She was surprised that he was this okay with physical contact when earlier this morning it was an absolute no-go, but that was the way it was sometimes with trauma. Okay one minute, impossible the next.
He fell back asleep again, and Inej swore she heard him mutter an apology. For what, she had no clue, she just kept whispering nothings to him, quieting his whimpers. The doorbell rang a while later, and a beautiful woman with bright red hair followed Nina into the house. She had a large scar across her face, and she wore a patch over one eye. She walked over to where Kaz laid on the couch and knelt on the floor. “Wake him up for me, if you can. I’ll need to touch him, and will not do anything until he is conscious.”
Inej spoke softly to Kaz until his eyes opened, a haze covering the look he gave her. Inej helped him sit up, trying to help him wake up more. Genya gave him a small smile. “Kaz? My name is Genya, I’m a medik. Do you mind if I listen to your heart and lungs?”
She pulled out a stethoscope and pulled on a pair of beautiful red leather gloves. He nodded once, his eyes still slightly hazed. Genya slowly rolled Kaz’s shirt up, getting the stethoscope ready. “This will be cold, but I’ll try to be quick.”
Inej watched as the cold metal was placed on Kaz’s chest, causing him to jump slightly, clearly not expecting the touch even though he’d been told of it. She was getting really worried about him. He usually was never this out of it, hopefully it was a quick fix, something he could sleep off.
Genya listened to his heart, lungs, checked his ears, nose, mouth, and eyes, before getting his temperature. She did a very good job at only touching him when absolutely necessary and spoke through the process she was going through. After a while, she began packing up her belongings, Kaz leaning against Inej again, having troubles keeping himself upright. Inej helped him get more comfortable on the couch before getting up to speak with Genya and the rest of them in the kitchen. The open floor plan didn’t really leave room for privacy, but she knew Kaz was out of it to already have fallen asleep again.
”Good news, it doesn’t appear to be pneumonia. At least not yet. It sounds like there’s an infection in his lungs, but with the proper antibiotics, rest, and food he should be fine in a few days.” Genya pulled out a bottle from her satchel and handed it to Nina. “He should take one every six hours. You can pair it up with ibuprofen and DayQuil if needed. Make sure he gets his rest, or else the infection has the possibility of becoming worse. If that’s the case, he might need to make a visit to the hospital.”
She gave them some more instructions for what they should do should things get worse, if his fever doesn’t go down by the following morning. All of the worst case and best case scenarios. Nina walked the woman to the door, leaving the rest of them standing in the kitchen, looking at their sick friend on the couch. Inej was put on medicine duty, knowing she was the best of them to stick to a schedule. They would all take turns, making sure they were near in case the man needed something, and they hoped they would be able to help him throughout this.
~~~~~~
Three days. Three days Kaz was unable to do anything for himself. He was too weak to move from the couch by himself. His chest hurt so badly that he could barely breathe for himself, coughs interrupting most of his chances at a peaceful sleep. His nose was rubbed raw from how frequently he’d been forced to blow it or else risk being suffocated. In those three days, Kaz didn’t know what was happening to him. He saw Jordie sitting at the couch. Sometimes he was laughing, sometimes he was yelling at Kaz, saying he was the reason for all the bad that had happened to him. Sometimes he was a sobbing mess, apologizing to Kaz for leading them into the situation with Mr. Hertzoon.
Kaz tried to ignore him, but sometimes it was too much. He would respond to Jordie, sometimes crying along with his brother, sometimes yelling back at him. A few times Jordie had been trying to force him under the water.
Kaz yelled, threw pillows and anything else that was near him at his brother. Sometimes he begged for someone to touch him, hold him, make sure he wasn’t dead, that the water and the sickness hadn’t claimed him. Sometimes he thrashed away, not able to stand the feel of any pressure on his skin.
Three days he felt like he was being drowned minute after minute, watching his older brother berate him, beg him to save them, apologize to him, hate him, love him. Three days he didn’t remember his brother was dead. Three days he needed help to move from the couch, to get changed out of the sweat soaked pajamas, to hobble his way to the bathroom, to move to a position more suitable for his leg.
On the fourth day, Kaz woke up feeling different. He knew that he was on the couch, knew Wylan was dozing on one of the arm chairs, a sick bucket in his hands ready in case Kaz made any movement or noise indicating he was about to vomit. Kaz stretched his neck, feeling several pops and cracks. His chest still felt tight, but it was nowhere close to the previous week. His throat was still sore, but he expected nothing less after however many days of coughing his lungs out. Besides, his throat always felt sore, ever since his sickness from the vat of bodies he’d been submerged in at 10 years old. His head felt clearer than it had for a while, and he could actually breathe through both nostrils.
Kaz looked around him for something to do, but it seemed there was nothing around him. His phone was most likely still sitting on his desk in his room, the tv remote was on the media stand, far away from where he sat, and he knew that without his cane he wouldn’t be going anywhere. His leg still throbbed gently, not being helped by being on the couch for however long he had been there. They had a nice couch, but his bed had been made specifically to help mitigate any movements he made while in his sleep, giving his leg more rest.
He wasn’t sure how long he sat there, just staring at the blank tv screen. He didn’t want to wake Wylan, the younger of the two looked like he’d slept like shit. Kaz figured it was due to sleeping on the arm chair, and a pang of guilt settled in his chest. He didn’t remember much after the day of the heist they’d pulled, just remembering that Inej and Jesper had helped him out to the living room the day after, and someone had been taking care of him? The Crows had been taking care of him. How pathetic could he possibly be? He couldn’t even handle a simple cold. No his body had to turn it into something much worse that he couldn’t deal with himself.
Matthias came down the stairs, his blond hair damp. He came into the living room and paused as he saw Kaz awake with a much more aware look on his face than he’d had the past few days. Kaz gave him a brief nod of acknowledgement. “Demjin.”
The larger man went into the kitchen and came back out with a bottle of water and the bottle of ibuprofen, and one of the antibiotics handing them over to Kaz. Without saying a word, Kaz took the medicine and drank more than half the bottle. It felt like it had been years since he’d drank anything. “Food?”
Kaz nodded once more, knowing it would be best to get some kind of substance in his body, knowing he’d probably thrown most of it up the past few days. He watched Matthias silently, with a sense of appreciation. He was glad it wasn’t Inej or Nina or even Jesper that had found him awake and coherent first. They would ask him a bunch of questions that he didn’t want to answer and didn’t think he could answer. Matthias helped make it feel like it truly wasn’t a big deal. Matthias looked like he was making enough food for everyone, so he didn’t feel like a burden being pampered. He didn’t think his pride could handle any more than what Matthias was giving him right now.
When he was done making breakfast, he’d set up the trays for everyone, then handed Kaz his own tray. It was just a simple breakfast of eggs, peanut butter toast, and bacon, but the scents almost overwhelmed Kaz. He nodded once more toward Matthias, hoping it portrayed his thanks, and started eating slowly.
It was funny watching Matthias wake Wylan, as the boy jumped and thrust the empty bucket into Matthias’s stomach. So much for being prepared if Kaz needed it. When Wylan realized there was no immediate vomit threat, he calmed down and gave the two a greeting. Kaz tried not to squirm in his seat as he saw a look of pure relief wash over Wylan’s features at Kaz’s cohearantness.
Within the next 30 minutes, the rest of the Crows had made their way down to the living room, all sharing a look of immense relief seeing him more coherent than he had been the past few days. Guilt bloomed in his stomach deeper than before. He hated that they’d spent the past few days taking care of them, but even worse, he hated that he'd made them worry about him. They all asked him variations of the same questions: how are you feeling, do you need anything, can I get you anything?
Kaz kept his answers short, his throat still not the greatest, but enough to appease their questions. Jesper gave him an eerily familiar look, a brotherly smile with concern etched deep in his eyes. “How much do you remember from the past few days? You were pretty out of it.”
Not expecting that question, Kaz’s eyebrows scrunched together. “Essentially nothing. Why? What is there to remember?”
He saw as the others all shared a look, one he’d seen a few times when they were trying to decide what was best for him. As if they were able to make that decision for him. Only Kaz knew what was best for him, and any information they were keeping from him was going to have a negative impact at some point in the future, he just hoped it wasn’t too big of a problem. Wylan was the one that eventually spoke up. “You just really weren’t in that great of shape. Slept most of the day, threw up a few times. Nothing we couldn’t handle.”
If he’d been feeling better, perhaps he would have been able to produce a better scowl. Of course Wylan was the one to speak up, he was the only one who could even half succeed in an attempt to lie to him. He wasn’t sure what really happened, but he knew he was not in a place just yet to interrogate it out of any of them. Perhaps he’d be able to get it out of Inej the next time he takes her out on a date.
Kaz removed the mostly empty tray from his lap and cleared his throat. He looked at each of them, various looks of hope across their features, hoping he believed the lie. His eyes slipped past Jesper for a brief moment, locking eyes with the ghost of his brother who nodded, and then he looked back down at his lap. “I realize I can be…” insufferable, pathetic, weak, “difficult while sick. Thank you for…” dealing with me, everything, caring for me, loving me, being there for me, helping me, “keeping me alive.”
He knew that was the worst way to send out his appreciation to anyone, but he couldn’t force himself to get any other words out of his throat. Perhaps he should just get them each some kind of gift, express his gratitude without needing to use words. He knew there was a necklace Nina had been looking at for a while, Wylan was wanting a new pair of headphones, Inej chipped her favorite knife on the previous heist. He could figure out what to get Jesper and Matthias for an appreciation gift. Of course he would never tell them he got the gifts for them, they would just appear in their lives, but he hoped they would like them.
Inej carefully reached a hand out, letting him decide if he could handle skin on skin contact, and he slowly extended his hand toward hers. “Thank you for staying alive.”
She slowly lowered her lips to the back of his hand, slow enough for him to pull away if need be, but he allowed her to kiss the back of his hand like he’d done to her many times since they’d become a couple. The group finished their meal, cleaning up quickly before settling back into the couch for a lazy day on the couch. As if he hadn’t had enough of those lately, but he could hardly leave to get his cane from his room, so he stayed put.
Inej sat next to him and gently pulled him onto her, his bad leg stretched out on the couch, Jesper placing it across his lap as he cuddled with Wylan. Inej’s hands combed through his hair, helping him to relax in the touch and noise. Nina and Wylan argued for a bit about what to watch “Obviously we are going to continue the Harry Potter marathon Wylan” before starting the second movie. Kaz felt himself be lulled into a gentle sleep as Inej combed his hands, Jesper massaged his bad leg, making the ache a dull throb, and the sound of his friends, his family arguing over which of them could possibly be the Heir of Slytherin. Even though his head hurt, his chest was tight, and his throat felt raw, he felt safe, cared for, and found a dreamless sleep waiting for him.