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The future has brought many innovations. Among them, there’s one Roman always scoffed at. Technology to erase memories. It was something dangerous and stupid. If unregulated it could go horribly wrong.
He always has thought that he’d be the type to rather live with all of his memories, no matter what they were. He would never use that kind of thing, he even thought that its users were pitiful beings that had nothing else to turn to.
But as he contemplates the letter of acceptance that he has just received, he realizes how wrong he has been about all of this. Rather than feeling a bottomless unsolvable despair, it’s a chance to forget all about his pain and what keeps him awake at night.
He made the ask when he was drunk and reckless. Thierry has tried to dissuade him, telling him how it’s probably a very bad idea. Does he want to have this hole inside of him that he can’t fix and he can’t be really aware of?
But does he want to be the only one stuck in the past when his partner has clearly moved on, away from him?
He could move on, he should be able to move on. Many people did it before him. He still has a lot to live, he isn’t done with his career. He can fall in love again and he will fall in love again. This grief is just something he should learn to live with.
But then he sits on a bench, in a beautiful setting, and watches Benni say yes to a woman. He can’t say anything, he doesn’t have the right to say anything so he swallows all of his regrets. It’s not him who wanted to end the relationship anyway.
Roman still remembers the look on Benni’s face when he told him they should break up. He had honestly asked him if he was joking at first, but then Benni had talked about how he wanted to settle and he couldn’t do that with him.
He had told him that they could get married, but that was not what Benni meant. He meant a normal life, with a wife that could bring him kids. He had no idea what suddenly made him change his mind when they were basically promised to each other, but no matter what he said, how much he begged, nothing changed his mind.
And now he stands here, watching Benni get married to his perfect wife, who is already pregnant with their first child, and bitterness grips his heart as he has to address his congratulations.
Benni asked him not to disturb his wedding. Roman doesn’t even know why he invited him, if not to rub in his face that they are no longer together. That he chose normalcy in their stead and that he will never be as happy as he was with him.
His parents look so glad for him. It’s another point that makes Roman sad, because Benni never told them about their relationship, he always said that he’d do it later, and that he was scared they wouldn’t accept them. Here he had no problem at all, how fantastic.
Well, there is nothing to lose from trying. Roman doesn’t know how his situation could be any worse. He can take the trial tests and decide after that. Leaving as soon as he can from that happy day for his ex, tearing up in his car and then in his bedroom that has kept too many memories of them, despite the fact he took the pictures off the walls, makes him desperate.
It makes him hope he would’ve never met Benni and fall in love with him. He wasted so many years with him, for him, when he was discarded so easily. He can’t help thinking that he would be better off forgetting.
Roman expects to be nervous as he gets into a sort of pretty formal office. The walls are decorated with abstract paintings and mostly white, there are wide windows that make the room sunny. At first, it disturbs him and he can’t see the face of his interlocutor, until she closes the blind. She looks professional, her smile is polite but not warm.
“The process is simple. You’re gonna have a few evaluation sessions, where we’ll determine if you can access the technology. Don’t worry too much about it, if you’re determined about your motives, it should be pretty successful.”
It’s nothing particularly new from the information he looked up before he came here. He chose a center that was close from home but that also had a good reputation. More importantly, he chose a place that would not disclose his identity.
“We just instituted this to make sure people were aware of what they were doing because on some occasions, they didn’t manage to survive the loss and had to be given back their memories, which is an entire waste of money, effort and of your time of course.”
The place is still almost an hour away by car, but it’s worth it. He announced his decision to Thierry, that he would take the trial, and Thierry looked to be disapproving but he didn’t say anything. He just told him he’d do his best to support him and to make sure everything goes well. He’s been postponing the moment he’ll reveal his teammates his choice.
“Be as truthful as you can with the specialist, it will be recorded, in case you would need your memories back, it acts as a trigger. The procedure in itself is harmless and then may it be the sadness, the pain, the anger, the love… there will be nothing more than oblivion where a person once was in your brain.”
It’s what he aspires to. It hurts to realize that. It’s weird to think that he could treat Benni as nothing else but a stranger, but isn’t that what he also wished, given that he tore their relationship apart?
“If you have no questions, Mr. Rees, then I’ll let you proceed with your first session. You will plan the rest of them with the specialist that has your file.”
“Thank you.”
The person he has been associated with is a man who doesn’t seem that much older than him, maybe in his forties, with brown curls and eyes. He isn’t very talkative, which is probably logical, given that he’s here to listen to him.
They schedule him to come back every monday and thursday for a month in the first place. Then they will see if they still have work or if they can directly proceed with the memory manipulation.
(...) When I met him, I didn’t fall for him right away. I think there was something similar to that but I didn’t want to acknowledge it anyway. The sport we were in wasn’t kind enough about this for me to even contemplate it (...)
(...) There was some sort of radiance around him. He’s always been a pretty solar person. I was charmed because we were pretty different. He was older than me but it didn’t seem like it, and he helped me integrate the team so easily (...)
(...) When I realized I had feelings for him, it was a mess. I was panicked, but I wanted to keep my composure. I thought there was no way he’d share the same feelings. After all, what were the odds? We surely were friendly but there was nothing to indicate it could become more (...)
(...) I think one of the instances that marked me so deeply is that on our first date, he brought me to eat my favorite food. I probably had mentioned it once in the whole time we had known each other, but he had remembered exactly that. At that moment, I knew I wanted to keep him by my side, as much as possible (...)
(...) but it was not like it was bad. The relationship was not lacking in any part. It had become oddly domestic so easily. We had shared rooms before, so it was not surprising to the team that we’d want to be roommates again. But no one knew that we were pushing the beds together, and sleeping together (...)
(...) when the topic of sex came on the table, it wasn’t that easy. I already had been with other men, but he hadn’t. So there was a lot to explore and a lot to learn for him. I could sense that he was getting frustrated whenever I was trying to calm things down because I was scared of hurting him. The first time, he kept telling me how he was fine, but the very next day he barely could sit. After that, he got more reasonable but also a lot better… we learned about each other’s bodies, what we liked and what we didn’t, it was refreshing in so many ways, and I trusted him more than anything (...)
(...) Yes. We didn’t fight a lot. We usually were mature enough to de-escalate any situation that could have turned sour. We would sometimes get upset of course, but we’d always give each other space and take time to properly communicate. It sounds silly like this but it saved us (...)
(...) One of the major thematics of our dispute was the fact that he wouldn’t tell his parents about us. Mine knew, and although it had been a shocking reveal, they had learned to live with it. But he thought that they would make it difficult for us. I couldn’t help but feel like he was ashamed of us, whenever things like that happened. It hurt, but he would apologize profusely and try so hard to make it up to me that I knew it wasn’t an easy matter for him either (...)
(...) After two years, we’d mostly spend time at my house, as it was the easiest in terms of access and space, and so he jokingly asked me when he was expected to move in. I was so happy back then… It meant he was considering us so seriously that he wanted to move to the next step. I probably had blurted something like whenever you want, and the smile on his face had been worth every moment (...)
(...) Things were different than what I expected, because he didn’t totally abandon his apartment. He moved to my house for sure, he had all of his stuff here, but for some reason he didn’t sell it. He’d go there whenever we were fighting about something, to calm down (...)
(...) he would cook so often. I’m not a bad cook by any means but he really liked it. He liked to make warm meals for me, and he’d somehow always pick one of my favorites whenever he was stressed out or after a fight. It became natural at some point, he’d cook and I’d clean, except on some rare occasions where he would ask me to eat something I would do. Even now, the taste of his meals are fading no matter how much I hold onto them and I miss them (...)
(...) I remember the gift he gave me for our fourth anniversary. He had spent a lot of time on it. It was just a book that he had assembled with his own hands. Pictures were on each page with notes and dates. He had retraced our entire history within it. I teared up right after I started reading because I knew. I knew that it was proof of how much he loved me (...)
(...) I kept pondering on when the next step would happen. I felt selfish, when he seemed perfectly happy with how things were. But I wanted commitment, I wanted his name next to mine. I thought, maybe… in the future we could adopt some kids. After our careers would be over maybe (...)
(...) another tough subject between us was about when he’d retire. He seemed to have determined plans for the future but whenever I asked, he would say nothing was decided yet. I should have seen it coming, I should have seen the sign, but I wanted to stay blind to them, because it hurt too much (...)
(...) we had a big fight one day. Huge. We were talking about the future and I evoked the idea of getting married. He had a full meltdown on me, I had never seen him so… I don’t know if I can say angry, it didn’t seem to be the case. It was more about despair, something he couldn’t give me (...)
(...) some days he would act distant and would get lost in his thoughts a lot. It wasn’t that our last years were unhappy or anything, it was the opposite. We were happy so often, so blissful in our married couple life, without marriage, that my brain couldn’t retain all of it. It slipped through my fingers and I can only retain what impacted me the most. But I know we have been happy. We truly have been (...)
(...) we had to tell our friends at some point. Some of them. It wasn’t like we necessarily wanted to hide it or to come out, but it could be a weight. So eventually we just settled on a few people. Thierry was one of them. I was relieved to have someone I could vent to and have an opinion about things. Benni could be complicated and I felt lost (...)
(...) we often trained together whenever we were back home. One evening as we went out, Benni had been in a sour mood for several days and he didn’t want to talk to me about it. I went to have a drink with Thierry, Benni didn’t want to go out. We were having a great time, even if people were insistent. About two hours in, Benni appeared, pretty frantic, and settled by my side. He was flirty and affectionate, and the sour mood vanished for the rest of the time we spent home. I think he was scared someone would steal me away. Ironic when he was the one who got away. (...)
(...) he started to talk about retirement two or three years before he did it. I didn’t like that talk. Because if he retired, then it meant we’d have to take the next step, which he didn’t seem to consider (...)
(...) he was distant the season before he decided to retire and that’s how we broke up. He told me, eyes in mine, that we couldn’t keep going. That he couldn’t bring me the commitment I needed. It was so sudden. Like I saw how he had trouble thinking about it, but the fact he was ditching me so easily, I knew something had to have happen, but I never got the answer as of what it was (...)
(...) when I saw him with that woman I thought how funny it was. She seemed strangely fitting for him, he could take her out in public and he could present her to his parents. It was convenient, I didn’t know if he liked her, I didn’t want to know. It fucking hurt so damn bad, I wanted him, I was still dreaming of him, there was a hole in my house, in my bed, in my heart. He was my future and I was dying without him. I still am partially. I can’t deal with having lost a man that was so much to me, I wish I had never known him (...)
(...) The last year of his career was awkward. Suddenly we couldn’t be in the same room, we couldn’t be paired up or not quite, and he was trying to make it as if everything was fine, but I couldn’t. Not when he so quickly announced he was thinking of marrying her and that she was pregnant. He had replaced me so quickly and easily, giving everything I had ever wanted to a stranger, it was infuriating. I had no time to grieve (...)
(...) Thierry kept telling me how I had to move on and how he was an asshole, he would regret me, but I had no certainty. He seemed so ready to leave me behind. He left me behind. He even extended an invite to me. And I went. I dreaded it. The dream I had two years ago had become someone else’s (...)
(...) I want the years I wasted back. I want to be able to fall in love and be loved. I want to be able to get married and adopt kids. I want everything I wanted to do with him, without them being tainted by the memory of him. I’m tired and I want to be free.
When Roman wakes up, he knows that something is weird but he can’t quite place it. It’s a slight ache that fades with time. He somehow feels like he wants to go outside and meet new people, so he invites Thierry along.
“Are you sure of… that?”
It seems weird for Thierry to be this noisy about something. Especially when there isn’t much to say about it.
“Come on, let’s have fun.”
Not caring about things feels good. He wonders why he didn’t do that any sooner. It’s like something has been holding him back and that he’s finally free from it. He hooks up with a guy that night and brings him home, fucking him until he’s too tired to move.
There’s a weird feeling in the pit of his stomach that slowly fades. He doesn’t even try to analyze it. He feels great, it’s like he’s seeing life from a new perspective. He wants to have some fun before he thinks about settling. But he’s in his thirties, he’s confident he can find the right person for him.
That will be a concern for another day though, as he also has a biathlon season to prepare.
His house feels huge for some reason, he wonders if he should look up for an apartment or something. He doesn’t need that much space and it’s a bother when he’s not here as often. Dust settles everywhere.
In one of his closets he finds a few discarded sweaters and hoodies and he ponders on if they truly belong to him because he has no memories of wearing them. He puts them aside. Things need to change, and he needs to change as well.
The season starts, and there’s also an uncanny feeling around the team. Sometimes his teammates address startled looks to him, as if they were expecting something to happen. He’s rooming with Philipp, maybe the one who tends to do this less than the others.
“Is there something wrong?” He asks one evening, determined to get an answer.
“What? No.”
“Cut the crap, Phil.”
“Well it’s just, you know. You have been quite depressed lately, so it’s great to see you suddenly doing good. The change is sudden, that’s all.”
It’s not all but Roman doesn’t press him. He doesn’t think he would obtain answers anyway. He could get used to the looks, and after all, it would fade with time, just like everything does. He has to focus on biathlon rather.
The start of the season is pretty good for him. When the second step rolls around, something peculiar happens. He’s returning to the cottage after a race when he sees a man he’s positively certain of never having seen around.
It’s a man in his thirties, with beautiful eyes, light brownish hair, he’s shorter than him. It’s hard to say what he’s doing here, but it seems somehow natural of him to be in winter clothes.
“Hey, can I help you?”
The stranger turns toward him, surprise showing off his traits, then he raises an eyebrow in disbelief.
“Hi Roman.”
“Do we know each other? I don’t recall.”
“What do you mean? You don’t know who I am?”
There’s a bit of aggressiveness coming from the other man, and Roman takes a step back, slightly scared. It seems to click for the stranger as any animosity fades from his face to be replaced by confusion.
“No, I don’t. You must have mistaken me with someone else. You probably have the wrong place as well.”
People shouldn’t be able to access this cottage this easily. It’s a weird situation overall. He doesn’t seem like he just invited himself. He rather appears shocked, upset as well, but he doesn’t offer him anything other than a polite smile.
“My bad then. I’m Benedikt. Would you happen to know where Phil is?”
Benedikt… the name makes him uneasy even if he doesn’t know why. He’s been surprised by the softness of his tone, by the efforts he’s been pulling. He doesn’t know why he’s been this amicable when they don’t know each other.
“He should come back soon, you may want to wait inside though.”
“Oh. Yes, thank you.”
He hesitates for a moment to ask him why he’s here but then decides he doesn’t need to know and just goes back to his room, to put his stuff away and take a hot shower.
Benedikt, as it seems, is well-known by everyone in the team. Roman is puzzled by that part because how come he’s a complete stranger to him? Benedikt lingers around, staying for several weeks. He’s nice and lovable, making jokes, acting comfortable with the team. He’s especially kind to him and somehow it’s like he manages to guess about his tastes.
Roman doesn’t really understand why he’s paying attention to him in particular but it’s not a bad thing. Benedikt is good looking, and even if he doesn’t have an ideal type, he thinks he would be close to it.
Sometimes, he catches him looking at him with a deep sadness in his eyes, even if he tries to hide it, and he wonders what it’s about. There’s also an awkward edge in their teammates whenever they interact.
He feels like he doesn’t have the keys to solve the situation.
He gets used to having Benedikt around, in his daily routine. Sometimes, of course, the other man can’t come to a biathlon step, but most of the time, he tries to be here. It’s somewhat familiar. He feels happier whenever he’s here.
But there are too many things he ignores about him. The place where he has to return, the regrets in his eyes, the bitterness sometimes audible in his tone, and the trace of a faded ring around his finger.
He’s been trying to pass their first encounter as a coincidence, a misunderstanding. But deep down, he knows it’s not. But he prefers to ignore it rather than face the situation in its entirety.
It takes an evening where Benedikt has one too many drinks for everything to change. It’s just the two of them chatting, as everyone went to sleep. Benedikt’s speech has started to become slightly more incoherent, before he freezes.
Roman gets worried, and wants to ask him what’s wrong, but then Benedikt grabs his arm and looks at him with glassy and watery eyes.
“Please Roman, please. I was wrong, but I can’t take any more of that punishment. I’d do anything for you to look at me like before. Please.”
“What are you…”
It’s shocking how Benedikt gets on his knees, tears now rolling freely off his cheeks. He looks miserable, to put it mildly. Like a total wreck.
“I shouldn’t have tried to give up on you, I’m sorry. I’ve fucked my whole marriage up because I couldn’t bear the thought of you no longer remembering us. I still love you, I’ve never stopped. Please, remember me, please. How could you forget about me? I can’t… I can’t keep going like this, please.”
But all that he’s saying evokes nothing to him. It’s the baffling thing, if Benedikt wasn’t calling his name and looking at him like that, Roman would speculate that he has the wrong person. But it doesn’t seem to be the case.
Then how has he actually forgotten about all of this?
There’s a way, of course there’s one. He just has avoided it since the start because there’s no way he would have agreed to such a procedure. It’s stupid. He has always thought he would rather live with his feelings than to erase them. What could have made him change his mind? It scares him somehow.
The despair in Benedikt’s tone haunts him though. He can’t get it out of his head, even after a few days pass. He decides to investigate it properly. It’s easy to find information actually. So easy it leaves him bewildered.
Benedikt was part of the biathlon team, which explains the familiarity everyone seems to feel about him. He also got married more than a year ago and his wife was expecting a child. They most likely have one now.
But… he has seen no news about Benedikt’s divorce, although he definitely has taken his ring off. He also has been spending an awful lot of time with the team, with him. Nothing makes sense. If Benni got married then… does that mean they were together before that?
In the pictures he finds, they do seem close. His head hurts the more he looks at it. There’s no doubt, he totally forgot about Benni. He made the decision to forget. Should he really override it?
His heart aches for him. Somehow he didn’t even realize. It’s like there are feelings underneath the surface but he doesn’t know when they appeared. They don’t exactly feel new, but he could be stupid enough to fall in love with the same man twice. With the man who probably broke his heart.
He stands at a crossroad.
Yet, somehow, Benedikt’s words never leave his mind. Regrets, despair, bitterness. That’s probably all Roman felt when he took this decision. He can choose to give him a second chance, or he can choose to never see him again.
He bites his lips and starts to search through his mails to find which clinic he must have gone to. Where his tape must be.
Benni’s face is exactly the way Roman remembers it when he arrives at his house, after he asked him to come. He can’t believe he described him as his ideal type despite not having one, it’s like he never managed to truly move on.
“Roman?” Benni asks hesitantly after they settle on the sofa. “Do you…?”
“Yes. I think you need to watch it as well.”
Despite Benni’s visible hesitation, he says nothing and nods. Roman plays it on his TV. He already watched it. It’s a combination of all of his confessions, of his retelling of their whole history. It makes him shiver.
He feels detached from the man on the screen, and yet the despair is all his. He feels it, beating in his chest, along with the pain, the sadness and the rage. His eyes fall on Benni, on the way he’s glued to the viewing, his hands are trembling and he shudders with every word, all kinds of emotions showing up on his face.
Sorrow, guiltiness, sadness, joy, love. There’s a lot of love there.
It seems almost ironic. When they went their separate ways, Roman was almost certain Benni didn’t love him anymore. It matched with how distant he had been the days before it happened and with how apathetic he looked when he said they should break up, that it was the best for everyone included.
Looking back on it, it was probably all an act. Something Benni had prepared himself to do for days, he had grieved their relationship, to make sure he wouldn’t collapse when it was time to end it.
When the video finishes, Benni keeps looking straight ahead, like he doesn’t dare to meet his glance. Because now he knows and has seen the edge of despair he has led him to. He probably feels equally.
“Benni.” He calls out, gently.
“I-I…” Benni’s voice breaks and he shakes his head. When he turns his head around, Roman realizes he has been tearing up.
Benni throws himself on his knees, grasping his hands. Roman is shocked, it’s not the first time he’s doing this, but before, he was drunk. Here, he’s totally sober and capable of deciding on his own actions.
“Roman… I’m sorry. I really am. Please forgive me, I just… I know. I can’t live without you, I know. I shouldn’t have tried, I just thought I couldn’t offer you what you wanted. My parents wouldn’t accept us and I know it’s a stupid thing to consider, but I’ve spent my life trying to make them proud. I couldn’t defy them…”
Of course he knew how important Benni’s parents’ opinion was to him. He didn’t think it was the cause for everything that had happened though. This leaves him a bit speechless, despair so raw and visible on Benni’s face that he wants to give in.
“But you’re… it’s still the same isn’t it? Even if you choose me now, your parents will still…”
“I don’t care, I’ve made that mistake once. You forgot about me. You looked at me like I was a stranger to you… and I know I’ve hurt you, I’m unforgivable, but please, don’t, don’t forget about me.”
“What do you mean that you’ve ruined your marriage for me?”
“She knows about you. We’re in the process of divorcing. I love my kid, I really do, but I want you. I love you. I know it’s late, you resent me for all I’ve done, we don’t have to get back together.”
Benni is holding his hands so tightly, clutching on it with all the hope he can have. Roman wanted to beg back then too. He should walk out without giving him any consideration. But it’s stupid when it’s not what he wants.
Does he want to make both of them suffer, just to be petty? Just to avenge himself? When they could be happy together? He’s been fighting this for so long. He’s tired of it. For many years, Benni has been the only future he could think of, and he doesn’t think it has changed.
“You left me behind, Benni. You didn’t even look back. Whenever I tried to talk about the life we could have, you shut me down. How am I supposed to trust that you’ll commit to this relationship?”
“I could do something. But … maybe you’ll find me to be an opportunist.”
“What do you…”
Benni gets up and rummages through his coat, then he comes back by his side. There’s a velvet box in his hand, and Roman’s heart stops in his chest.
“I’ve had it since before we broke up. I know it’s not a proof or anything. I did buy it on a whim, because I knew… you were the man I wanted to marry. As soon as I saw it, I knew I wanted to see it on you. It’s late, I know. You deserved to have it.”
His hands tremble as he reaches for the box and opens it. The ring here doesn’t even matter, it’s what it symbolizes. Roman takes a deep breath but it’s charged in emotions, with a bit of a sob in it.
“Benni, come here, please.”
Benni walks to him, he grabs his neck and kisses him. The kiss has a desperate edge to it. They’re far from done with the whole situation, nothing has been fixed and they’re still healing. But Roman meant what he said. If Benni is serious and proves it, he will be his future.
“I don’t forgive you. But… I don’t want to imagine my life without you. Don’t make me regret getting my memories back.”
“I’ll cherish you, I promise. I don’t even want to be separated from you.”