Chapter Text

8. Loona

The first few days of her new life had been... well... strange. She had trouble sleeping at night and lived in constant anxiety about what might happen. The feeling of a lump in her throat never really went away and for some strange reason she constantly wanted to talk to Blitzø and have him around. The excessive displays of affection that she had always found annoying had started to please her, like a lot. She had started calling Blitzø 'dad' and to her surprise the word seemed natural. And seeing her father's happy face made her feel a pleasant warmth in her chest.

The next few days had been even worse, as their new routine took shape: in the morning she and Blitzø make breakfast, her father wakes Stolas and practically force him to eat, then with a smile he wish her a good day and she goes to the office. Sometimes during the day they had phone meetings, she, the M&Ms and Blitzø, because work had started up again at a triple pace and Blitzø couldn't leave Stolas alone yet. Some days Loona would go home for lunch, taking advantage of the glass to come and go quickly.

They had cleaned out the office and covered the hole in the wall outside their door with a giant plastic sheet. The requests for new clients had doubled and the M&Ms couldn't keep up, while she had to stay in the office and deal with the clients who showed up there. The interns they had hired on the day of the trial had miraculously shown up at the office a couple of days later excited about working for the I.M.P., but they were completely useless at combat and not very smart when it came to math. They mostly read and answered emails and made coffee.

That particular day things hadn't gone well at all; Moxxie had returned from the mission with a wound on his arm, and one of the interns had freaked out when he saw the blood.

Millie had managed to calm him down, and Blitzø had surely invented new insults during their afternoon phone meeting.

Also, when she had tried to get a response on Sinstagram chat from Octavia, she had noticed that the princess had blocked her.

"I'm going home," she tells Moxxie, who is still in the office even though everyone else left hours ago and it’s basically night. He often sits in Blitzø's chair, trying to get the company's accounts in order, even though he shouldn't.

The imp barely lifts his head and smiles shyly at her before waving goodbye and going back to his math.

She drives the van - also refurbished - all the way home and drags herself up the stairs to her front door.

When she opens it, she thinks she's in the wrong apartment.

Not the usual Blitzø greeting her with a welcome back Loonie, no loud TV, no chaos in the kitchen. The room is silent and dim and the only person in sight is Stolas, sitting at the table - he always seems out of place, so high among their furniture not suitable for a Goetia - intent on staring intensely at the cup of tea he holds in his hands. When he sees her enter he raises his head and looks at her, then greets her in a low voice.

"Welcome back, Loona."

The only light in the room is the one on the stove, bright enough not to make it difficult to move but not so much as to also illuminate the area of ​​the couch.

"Hi Stolas. How... er... how are you feeling?"

The former prince shrugs slightly and sighs, taking a sip of tea.

"Like this," he replies and there really is nothing else to add. He's been in their house for over a week and getting him off the sofa is always a difficult task. Seeing him there, standing—well, sitting—with his cup in his hand without being forced seems promising.

"Mmhp-olas..."

The humming noise coming from the couch tells her that her father is sleeping there. She can't help but think that it's strange, that her father usually stays up late at night. She glances over as she sits down at the table across from Stolas and sees him curled up under a blanket, his horns sticking out over the armrest, his tail twitching slightly in time with whatever he's dreaming about. A feeling of tenderness wells up inside her and she can't help but smile.

"There's more tea here if you want it, dear," Stolas says, pointing to a teapot.

Loona raises an eyebrow. The owl has not only willingly gotten up from the couch, but has also made tea.

Impressive.

Loona stands up to get a cup, then pulls a flask from her jacket and uses it to dilute the tea.

"Do you want some?" he offers, but Stolas declines.

"I'd like to try to quit," he says.

Loona shrugs and puts another drop of whiskey in the cup.

She never thought such a thing was possible, but she feels comfortable with Stolas. The owl is quiet and gentle, and on the rare occasion where she found herself alone with him, he seemed more present, less disconnected from reality. His gaze is sad and anxious, but at least she is sure that he is there with her.

He is looking toward the couch, as if he could see the sleeping imp through the backrest. Loona can see, or rather feel, as tangible, the love and sadness. They almost scare her.

"I'm worried about Blitzø," he says suddenly, turning to look at her. And the look he gives her is that of the old Stolas, the one she remembers from that time they went to Los Angeles to look for Via. It lasts only a moment, then it fades and there is nothing left but the new sad Stolas, with his hunched shoulders and his four eyes - now with pupils, something she finds so disturbing - red and shiny.

"You are worried about Blitzø?" She almost laughs. "Stolas, in case you hadn't noticed, we are all worried ABOUT YOU here."

"I know." He grips his cup tighter and sighs, wiping away a tear. “But what’s the point? Nothing you can do will make me feel better, or get Via back. I honestly don’t care about my title or my powers. Sure…” he hesitates slightly, “losing my magic was a hard blow and adjusting is hard, but I’m getting used to it. I miss my things, and my bed, and my bathtub… and my plants. But I can get over it. Via, on the other hand… and I don’t know…” he gives her a strange look, and runs a hand over his eyes. "Don't get me wrong, my dear, I have never, not for a moment, regretted what I did. I had to save him, I had to... you are a smart girl, Loona, you know very well that I didn't do it for you, but for myself, even if now I realize that others would have suffered perhaps more than me. And I feel guilty for..." he stops and Loona wonders if by chance he was about to say that he felt guilty for having chosen Blitzø, for having put him before Via in his thoughts. In her opinion, things weren't like that, she would like to tell him that often everything is more complicated and that guilt is an asshole that distorts reality and makes you see everything in a black light. She knows something about it.

"And Blitzø is so kind to me, he tries so hard to shake me, he seems to want to keep me alive with his willpower alone. He seems to think that if he stops for just a few minutes I could slip through his fingers. And maybe that's true and I'm having a hard time trying to get better and I do it for him, only for him. But it scares me, Loona. I look at him and I see this person getting more and more desperate, more and more on the edge, and I don't know how to help him because I don't even know how to help myself."

Loona listens to Stolas blurt out all those words in silence.

She understands him.

She understands what a force Blitzø's will can be.

For months, maybe years, her father's stubbornness was the only thing that kept her afloat, the deep desire to get better, for him, because he didn't want her to suffer. Because Blitzø desperately needed to take care of her and she desperately needed that feeling to be real.

"I think he's going to explode," Stolas says and looks back at the couch.

Now Loona can hear Blitzø stirring, hear him muttering in his sleep, moaning. And suddenly she hears him screaming and it's always those words, the ones that have stirred so many nights.

I'm sorry

Stolas gets up and the movement seems to cost him every little spark of energy. He goes to the couch and crouches on the floor, caresses Blitzø's face, whispers things that Loona can't hear, but that have a calming effect on the imp because he stops stirring and goes back to sleep.

"This has been happening for many nights," Stolas says, louder so she can hear him. "There's nothing I can do, because I'm too weak and because no magical snap of the fingers will heal me in a moment. And I'll keep doing this to him, because I can't give him what he's looking for."

"It's not your fault, Stolas," she says, getting up from the table and putting her empty cup in the sink. She sighs.

"I mean, it's obvious that Blitzø is worried about you and wants to help you, you saved all of our lives and besides," she sneers, "that dickhead is completely in love with you."

Stolas flinches and straightens slightly.

"But ever since I've known him, he's always had terrible nightmares, and he's always been a mess. Listen," she decides to be direct, because it's late and she's sleepy and honestly she's starting to feel like the one in the mix now that Blitzø has unconsciously wrapped his tail around Stolas's arm, who in turn continues to stroke his cheek while sitting on the floor next to the couch. "Listen, dad has a lot of unresolved shit, in case you didn't also notice those fucking pictures on the wall by the way, that we all pretend not to see. And the nightmares, the pathological need to be on top of me at all times and spy on M&Ms and who knows what else that I can't think of right now. So yeah, it's probably all making him fall apart but I feel like we're all feeling a little shit these days."

Stolas looks at her and his expression makes her feel a little guilty for throwing all this at him like that.

"Okay, I'll talk to the M&Ms about it and keep an eye on him, okay?" she says finally, with a shrug. She's dead tired and doesn't have the energy to have a discussion about trauma and depression and who knows what other shitty thoughts are going through Stolas's head.

She goes to her room and goes in, but just before she closes the door behind her Stolas calls her back.

"Loona?"

"Yes?"

"Thanks."

"Anytime."

When she's finally alone she throws herself face down on the bed.

Actually, she had also noticed that Blitz seemed more... on edge... than usual.

It had been a tough few days, for all of them, and Blitzø isn’t the type to stop and think about his feelings.

And since when YOU are, instead?

She didn't tell Stolas that Via blocked her on every social network and from every number.