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Tommy sat on the couch, staring at the door of the bedroom, where Buck had just gone. His heart was still pounding from what had just happened. They were so close, so close to being intimate, but as always, Buck had pulled away. Tommy could still feel the coolness of Buck’s body as he stepped back from the kiss, the hesitation in his touch. Buck had smiled nervously and muttered something about being tired, then excused himself.
Tommy pulled his phone from his pocket and dialed Eddie's number, his finger hovering over the call button. Eddie--the one person who might get it. After all, Eddie had been through a lot with Buck, and Tommy trusted him. So, when Eddie picked up on the second ring, Tommy didn't waste time.
"Hey, man, can you talk?" Tommy asked, his voice quiet but tense.
"Yeah, what's up?" Eddie replied, his tone warm but distracted, probably working on something at the firehouse.
"Look, something's going on with Buck. Something I don't get, and I need your help," Tommy started, pacing around the living room. "I thought it was just because I'm his first guy but I'm starting to think it may be more than that.
Eddie paused, his voice immediately more alert. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, every time we get close to being intimate, he pulls away. It's like he panics, Eddie. He'll make up excuses, say he's too tired or not in the mood, but it's different. I can see it in his face, the way he looks at me, like he's... scared. It's like he doesn't trust it." Tommy ran a hand through his hair, frustration lining his voice. "I thought it was just him being new to this, but now I'm thinking it's something more. And I don't know what it is. I don't know how to help him."
Eddie's silence on the other end of the line stretched for a few moments. When he spoke again, his voice was measured, but Tommy could hear the sadness in it. "Tommy, I... I think it's more than just being new to being with a guy. Something's happened to him, something he's not talking about."
Tommy's heart skipped a beat. "What do you mean? You think he's...just not ready or something?"
"No," Eddie said quietly. "I think it's something deeper. Something, that's made him think intimacy, closeness, is supposed to be painful. That it's supposed to hurt. But it shouldn't. And that's why he's pulling away. It's not about you or your relationship with him--it's about something he's carrying with him."
Tommy's breath caught in his throat."What are you saying, Eddie? Do you know what's going on?"
There was another long pause on the other end of the line, and when Eddie spoke again, his voice was low,
almost like he was choosing his words carefully. "I think you should talk to Buck about it. He's the only one who can tell you, but... just know it's something that's been haunting him for a long time." Eddie let out breath, his voice laced with quiet regret. "I wish I could do more, but that's something he has to share with you when he's ready."
Tommy's mind was spinning. He wasn't blind to the fact that Buck had been through a lot in his past. But hearing it out loud, hearing the weight of what Eddie was implying sent a chill down his spine. He needed to talk to Buck, needed to understand.
"Alright, I'll talk to him," Tommy said, his voice soft but determined, "Thanks, Eddie."
Tommy rubbed his face in frustration. He didn’t want to make Buck feel uncomfortable, but he couldn’t ignore it any longer. There was something more to it, something Buck wasn’t saying.
Tommy and Buck had been sitting on the couch for a while now, the silence hanging heavy between them. Tommy had noticed the way Buck tensed whenever things got too intimate, how he pulled away almost instinctively, like he was bracing for something terrible. It was something Tommy had been trying to understand for weeks now, but he couldn’t get through to Buck. Tonight, though, Tommy was determined to get to the bottom of it.
“Evan,” Tommy said softly, breaking the silence. “We need to talk.”
Buck stiffened, his eyes flickering nervously. “About what?” His voice was tight, like he was already preparing to shut down.
Tommy took a deep breath, trying to keep his voice steady. “About why you keep pulling away. Every time we get close, you... you pull back. I just need to understand, man. I can’t keep guessing.”
Bucks’s body shifted uneasily on the couch, and Tommy could see him struggle internally with the words. “It’s not... it’s not you, Tommy. It’s just... I don’t know how to do this.”
Tommy gently placed a hand on Buck's shoulder, trying to convey all the reassurance he could through the touch. “Then tell me what it is. I can’t help you if I don’t know.”
Buck looked at Tommy with a desperate expression, his eyes wide and panicked. “I can handle it, Tommy,” he said, his voice trembling. “I can handle the pain. I... I know it’ll hurt, but I can take it. I’ll be fine. Just... just do it, okay? Please.”
Tommy’s heart sank. Buck was panicking, and the desperation in his voice made it clear he wasn’t just offering himself out of desire—he was offering it because he thought it was the only way to make things feel right. Tommy immediately stopped him, his hand holding Buck’s arm to prevent him from going any further.
“No,” Tommy said firmly, his voice gentle but serious. “That’s not how this works, Evan. You don’t have to offer yourself like that. Not to me. Not like this.”
Buck froze, his breath coming in short, shallow gasps. “But I can handle it, Tommy. I’ve handled worse. I can do it. Just... just take me. I’ll be fine. It doesn’t have to be... perfect. I don’t care if it hurts, just... please, don’t leave me like this.”
Tommy’s heart ached, the rawness in Buck's voice cutting through him. He gently pulled Buck into his arms, holding him close as the tears began to fall from Buck’s eyes. “You don’t have to do this, Evan. I’m not going to hurt you. You’re not broken. You’re not damaged. I don’t want you to think this is something you have to give me, especially if it’s not what you want. I care about you. And I’ll wait, okay? We’ll take it slow.”
Buck pulled away just enough to look at Tommy, his eyes full of confusion and shame. “But why does it hurt? Why does it always hurt when it’s supposed to feel good?”
Tommy paused, his chest tight. He hadn’t expected the question, and it hit him harder than he anticipated. “Why do you think it hurts?” Tommy asked gently, trying to get him to open up.
Buck bit his lip, looking down at his hands. The words seemed stuck in his throat, like he wanted to explain but just couldn’t. “I don’t know... I don’t know how else it’s supposed to feel,” Evan muttered, his voice barely above a whisper. “All I know is... it was never good. It was never... right.”
Tommy’s heart shattered as he realized just how much pain Buck was holding in. He pulled Buck back into his arms, gently rocking him back and forth as he spoke. “It doesn’t have to feel like that. You don’t have to expect it to hurt, okay? It shouldn’t hurt.”
Buck shuddered, his breathing shaky as he continued. “When I was bartending in Peru... I got... I got drunk. They spiked my drinks. And then... they...” He trailed off, his voice breaking. Tommy could feel Buck’s entire body trembling, the weight of the memories flooding back.
Tommy didn’t say anything at first. He just held Buck tighter, giving him the time he needed. When Buck finally spoke again, it was like pulling teeth, each word coming slower and harder than the last.
“They... they... took me. And I couldn’t do anything,” Buck said, his voice cracking. “I thought it would stop, but it didn’t. It just kept happening. And after that, I... I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what was real anymore. I never... I never thought it could feel good with a guy.”
Tommy’s heart ached with every word Buck spoke. He kissed the top of his head, rubbing his back gently. “That wasn’t your fault, Evan,” he whispered, his voice thick with emotion. “That was not your fault. And I’m so sorry that you went through that.”
Buck shook his head, tears spilling freely now. “I didn’t want it, Tommy. I never wanted it. And every time I think about being with someone... I just... I just assume it’s going to hurt. That’s all I know.”
Tommy pressed a soft kiss to his forehead, speaking slowly, making sure Buck heard every word. “It doesn’t have to be like that, Evan. Being with someone you trust... being with me... it’s supposed to feel good. It’s supposed to make you feel safe. You don’t have to be afraid of it anymore.”
Buck's eyes searched Tommy’s, full of fear and uncertainty. “But what if I can’t... what if I can’t feel it? What if it’s always going to feel like that?”
Tommy cupped Buck’s face gently, making him look into his eyes. “It will take time. And I’m not going to push you. But when you’re ready, I’ll be here. And I won’t let it hurt. It’s not supposed to hurt.”
Buck nodded slowly, his body still shaking as he slowly began to relax in Tommy’s arms. “I want to believe that,” he whispered.
Tommy smiled softly, brushing the hair out of Buck's face. “You will, Evan. I’m not going anywhere. We’ll take it one step at a time, together.”