Chapter Text
What do you know about anger?
Chuuya had asked Dazai once.
Nothing. You know nothing.
I know anger.
He had said to him.
A storm raged inside him, roared and burned his flesh. In his subconscious used to lay the angry entity called God by many –him included. An entity that didn't have logic or reasoning only desired to destroy.
Do you know the desire to destroy? The itching one gets when the blood rushes through the veins, burning the outside flesh in an outburst of rage and violence?
Something one does not just stop?
Who knows how to stop a fire once out?
Fire that kept spilling over and over and over .
Chuuya knew anger like the back of his hand. He knew anger like breathing. He knew anger like no one could know anger.
And…
The question was, is and will be.
What happens to one whom God abandons them?
What happens to one whom the entity of destruction who gifted this horrendous anger is gone?
What now?
The redhead scratched his neck. Something he had been doing a lot lately according to Yuan. “You can talk to me about them, you know?” Chuuya sat down on the training floor, frustrated he gave up on the itch and started wrapping a bandage around his bruised knuckles. He grabbed the fabric with his teeth and pulled forcefully until it hurt, these days pain helped him. The bandage neatly covered his hands.
Dazai turned his head, pupil dilated, and gave him an ugly –to some charming- smile. “Don’t grow sweet on me, love.”
Chuuya rolled his eyes. “As if I ever fuckin’ would.”
A pregnant silence fell between them as they warmed up.
Chuuya’s sharp gaze fell on Dazai, as the brunette stretched his arms, flexed and released the tension on his shoulders. His nape was exposed, Dazai hadn’t even worn his bandages. There, circling his neck, stood a not-so-very-thin line– a line Chuuya knew to well, a suicidal attempt from long, long ago. The shade of skin there was tones lighter than the rest of Dazai’s, and sweat, in forms of crystals that came from the root of his hair, dropped down, passing through the scar, the rest of their pathway hidden by Dazai’s uniform.
The redhead felt a tug on his stomach. Not liking the idea that in such deadly room, Dazai’s nape was exposed, an urge to get a hold of it, and hide it from everyone grazed his thoughts, but he shook his head. Aggressively he ran a hand over his face, cursing himself for having such ridiculous thoughts.
Chuuya scanned the room. Ann -the ex-assassin- and Yumei -the daughter of the yakuza- were talking. Q, for once, wasn’t paying attention to them, they’re looking through the weapons together with the other tribute from District 2. Gabriel and Dane -ex-military men- were working out with the equipments. Nesta was nowhere to be seen, but that was Nesta to you- there was something wrong if you could spot Nesta , while her brother Arzhel was with Kaida -a woman who knew her way on martial arts- and Sumi - a thirteen year old girl who shouldn’t be here- both tributes of district 10.
Chuuya turned his attention to Dazai again, this time they met eyes.
Chuuya felt another lamb on his throat, something he has been feeling a lot recently, especially when the topic in his mind was Dazai fuckin’ Osamu . Once his partner, then his enemy, and now ..again his partner .
He didn’t know what to think– not when before every mission, there had always been an unspoken rule, an unspoken challenge , that both of them had to come alive from wherever black hole Mori had sent them. Dazai’s suicidal tendencies, or Chuuya’s sacrificial lamb itching -if you asked Dazai- or repulsive heroism -if again you asked Dazai- didn’t matter much. What mattered was the survival of both because if one died during the mission, the other would live with the consequences of loss in their endless rivalry.
However, this new mission that wasn’t assigned by Mori, but life itself now, required the survival of only one of them. And Chuuya did not know how to feel about that. He didn’t know how to grasp the situation and how to handle the man that stood in front of him; a tall beanpole, shaded olive, with endless curls and waves of brunette hair that now have white on them. Something that unusually so makes Chuuya feel triumphed. It seemed as if he finally won their absurd game of existentialism scraps, because Dazai was here . He still had no meaning, he still had no passion -so much so that he couldn’t feel anymore-, he still had lost more, which seemed impossible because Dazai had already lost everything his heart ever desired, so how could one lose more?- and yet that didn’t matter.
Because there is no such thing as having nothing to lose. As long as you breathe, you have something to lose.
Despite everything, looking at this man now, in which when he was a boy, he used to be Chuuya’s nightmare, what he ought not to become , what he fought not to become– this Dazai now, still representing to Chuuya the person he loathed to be one day, was alive after all.
He lived.
If this wasn’t a win, Chuuya didn’t know what else it was.
Dazai, after what felt like an eternal exchange of gaze, raised his eyebrow at him in confusion. Chuuya needed to cool off now . “Come on, let’s sparr,” he called Dazai.
That is the only thing they have been doing these days. The only thing Alaric had allowed them to do.
Dazai joined him in the arena with a grin, Chuuya smirked at him.
The redhead was the first to attack –a flying kick– aiming at Dazai’s head. The brunette arms were immediately raised and crossed, not having time to dodge, he tried to minimize the impact.
“Oh, someone's angry!” Dazai called.
The moment Dazai lost his footing, it became brutal.
“Shut up. Fight!”
The brunette immediately was on the defensive while the ex-mafiose barely even touched the ground, following his rhythm as if he were to dance, attack after attack.
“Chuu-”
“That’s all you got?!” Chuuya yelled. “Fight! Fuckin’ fight back!”
Dazai cursed under his breath, as the next hit sent him flying on the other side of the arena, and before he could catch his breath Chuuya was already on him.
The brunette rolled on the floor. “You little shit!”
“Come on, get the fuck up, asshole!”
“I will get up–if you fucking let me!” Dazai rolled on the ground, while Chuuya chased him in each roll. “Fuck this–”
Before Chuuya could lend the other kick –he was getting repetitive, a bad habit when you’re used to being too good at something– Dazai got a hold of his ankle and yanked Chuuya down with a strong grip.
Chuuya’s head slammed hard on the arena, and his body crashed with a loud noise enough for him to moan loudly.
Dazai was already on him, locking his thighs around the redhead's torso, and punching him square in the face- turning Chuuya’s dancing show , in a raw fight.
Chuuya was so surprised by the punch on the face, that he didn’t register the next one.
“You fuckin-”
With all his strength– Chuuya raised up, and slammed Dazai on the other side, as it occurred to him that Dazai was now heavier than he predicted and his muscles started to shake from the weight, but he paid no mind— and was the one to punch him now.
Dazai responded with holding a grip in his hair and pulling down hard enough to bite his shoulder–
To—
Bite?
He bit him?!
…
Chuuya chased after Dazai as they entered their apartment. Viatrix and Alaric right behind them, both having the worst headache one could possibly have. The fight got so ugly that even the tributes interfered, and right after the Angels separated them. Both Chuuya and Dazai had bruises all over their faces. Viatrix and Alaric were called in, Chuuya and Dazai were prohibited to enter the training grounds until they had their personal test. There were three days in which all the tributes practiced together. On the last afternoon, they would each get a chance to perform in private in front of the Gamemakers.
“You son of a bitch! I fucking hate your guts! There was one fucking thing! The only thing I liked in this shithole was the training room!” Chuuya yelled.
Dazai turned around facing him. “Chuuya, like sex–if you haven’t forgotten I want to remind you, fighting doesn't happen on its own!” Dazai yelled more, and Chuuya fuckin knew that he was fuckin yelling to piss him off more!
“Stop with the sexual bullshit you have going on! I don’t care that your dick ain’t wet! Don’t make it my fuckin’ issue!” Dazai opened his mouth, but Chuuya was faster. “Hear me out you little– I wasn't the one that fucking started to pull hair–!” Chuuya pointed at Dazai's hand– which still indeed had strings of red locks tangled in his fingers. Dazai disgustedly looked at his hand. Then Chuuya pulled off his uniform, showing his shoulder. “I'm bleeding from my shoulder! You asshole!”
Dazai rolled his eyes. “And I'm bleeding on my arms! Cut your nails will you-”
“Why you-”
“Okay, that's enough!” Alaric stepped between them.
“No! That's not enough! That's fuckin not enough! You're an arrogant, egocentric, coward bastard that has been pissing me off with your fucking attitude since the moment I woke up! Can you for once make me forget why I fucking hate you?! Huh?! Is it so hard for you to actually think what other people would feel from your fucking actions?! Do you even stop indulging your fucking self?! Not only did we embarrass ourselves, and I fucking can't even go to the training ground, but now our enemies think of us as weak!” Chuuya spat down.
“Oh, so that’s your fucking problem?!” Dazai continued. “The fact that they think you’re weak?! What Chuuya?! Now you’re aware that you’re touchable and it’s starting to feel fucking scary? Welcome back to a normal fucking life, our deity !”
“I’m not fucking scared!” Chuuya pushed Alaric and stood right in front of Dazai. “I’m not a coward like you! I don’t go fucking run when problems are around! Same goes for not having a fucking ability! You hear me! However, excuse-moi, connard when I don’t want to fucking draw attention, seem fucking weak, be wounded when I’m about to enter a fucking death arena in days by my partner ! Don’t compare me with your shitty self which pisses himself off every chance you get!”
“Chuuya I don’t want the fuck –” Dazai cursed out with clenched teeth, as he usual did because curses didn’t come to Dazai as they did to Chuuya, so when he did curse, it was rough and spiteful, and if Chuuya would be an idiot he would have believed the sincerity of anger, but he was not. “-it’s up in your ass, and frankly I do not care . However, you’re taking this too far for no reason–”
“I think I gave you fuckin’ enough reasons!” Chuuya yelled back. “We’re working together on this. We’re going to be the two people left standing in that fucking death trap! If we want to do that we’re not fucking showing weakness!”
“Your insecurity in weakness is not my goddamn fucking problem !”
The punch that Chuuya threw made Viatrix gasp loudly enough for it to echo through the room.
“That’s enough!” Alaric got between them again. This time neither of them pushed him.
Chuuya glared at him, teeth gritted, jaw clenched, fists tight. Dazai didn’t even show a remorse of emotion, he just stared down at Chuuya.
The door flew open before anyone could breathe any other word. It was Yuan . She was out of breath, clearly must have ran here. “I heard what happened! Is everyone alright?!”
She said everyone , however when she hurried inside, she didn’t pay much attention to anyone but Chuuya . She got a hold of his chin and inspected his face. Chuuya slapped her hand away, grumbling an ‘I'm fine. ’
Yuan looked around the room for any sign, waiting for someone to talk.
The silence was broken by Dazai’s steps, as he retreated to his room.
…
Chuuya locked himself in his chamber after that. He didn’t want to talk to Dazai. He didn’t want to see Dazai. He didn’t want to hear Dazai. He didn’t want anything that had Dazai fuckin Osamu in it.
So, he retreated to his room. Yuan and Viatrix came by to check on him, or give him food here and there, while Alaric just let him be.
He spent most of his time doing push ups, not thinking about Dazai, mumbling Nyx’s songs -God he missed her so much-, not thinking about Dazai, watching the Capitol news and learning whatever information he could, not thinking about Dazai, and so on.
Then finally the day they had to do a private performance in front of the Gamemakers came.
Chuuya ignored Dazai and Dazai ignored Chuuya.
“Alright, boys.” Alaric took a sip of his…milk, definitely Viatrix doing, but Chuuya didn’t want to find out how it came to be. “You remember what I told you on the train?” Alaric gazed at both of them. “These people want to fuck with your mind,” he tapped at his own forehead. “They want to fuck your mind so bad, so you could give them entertainment! That’s what they want from you. Never forget that.”
“The more showmen we are, the more we are loved. I got that,” Dazai stated.
“Exactly!” Alaric raised the fork from the cupcake and pointed at him.
“Being a showmen in a middle of killing game, fuckin’ great,” Chuuya grumbled. “Dois-je danser pendant que je tue et peut-être chanter?”
“No,” Viatrix gave Chuuya a sad smile, she was the only person at the table that knew french. “You shall not sing and dance when you kill. You should show you, Chuuya.”
I don’t think I want to show my face at all while I kill, Viatrix.
Chuuya gave her a nod.
“I need you to understand that these scores will serve two ways. You either want attention to yourself or not. If you don’t want attention to yourself, hide your skill, get a low score, surprise in the arena.” Chuuya was definitely not doing that. “Or you do the opposite.”
“Give it your best,” Dazai continued. “It can go three ways, the strong once will either want you by their side, in which in the stud we pulled I’m already eliminating that option, they’ll either fear you, or–”
“-or make you their first primary to kill.” Chuuya finished for him.
Alaric gave them a sad smile. “I will not tell you what to do. You both are cable young men.” The blonde said. “Your strategy will be what situation you can work with the best.”
Dazai and Chuuya nodded.
“-I just want you to keep in mind one thing. Whatever you do. Don’t–don’t I repeat- do not give the Gamemakers any reason to dislike you.”
“Well, that’s easy.”
That wasn’t easy.
…
District by district, first the first called then the other tribute entered the training room in row. As usual, District 12 is slated to go last. As the room emptied, the pressure grew. By the time they called Nesta, only Dazai and him set the metallic stupid stools.
Chuuya didn’t look at Dazai once. However he couldn’t stop his gaze from looking at his back when he was called.
The redhead clenched the cold handle, grounding himself.
Not too long, his name was called.
He was starting to hate his name being called.
The ex-mafiose met with his partner as the other walked away.
For the first time, they meet eyes. There was an acknowledgment there, Chuuya’s eyes scanned the room, seeing that Dazai had chosen the bow, and he had missed all his targets, so that’s the strategy he went in.
Chuuya nodded.
Dazai nodded back. Knowing that Chuuya would do the absolute opposite of his, and would try to leave an impression on this room as much as he could.
Now he stood in front of the Gamemakers. In the training room, above, to witness everything that happened below, was set a fancy dining with a bunch of people dressed in Viatrix and Yuan ways, but somehow they all looked so filthy in Chuuya’s opinion . They’ve been here too long, the Gamemakers. Sat through twenty-three other demonstrations. Had too much to wine, most of them. Chuuya could tell that they were not interested in him.
“Nakahara Chuuya. District 12.” He announced.
A few of them nodded.
He eagerly went where the weapons stood, he was so glad to finally be able to hold the dagger's weight in his hands. Chuuya got a hold of five of them, and walked in front of the dummies that were previously used for Dazai’s performance.
Chuuya took a position, and exhaled, but suddenly…suddenly…he kept looking at the places the arrows had penetrated the dummy…so messy…Chuuya frowned. He knew that Dazai had done badly on purpose, Alaric had explained to them the strategies one could use for the game not too long ago, but how long… for how had Dazai thought about this strategy…
Oh.
Oh.
Chuuya’s eyes widened when he realised. Their fight… that asshole…that asshole was setting his game since the beginning. He had done it on purpose! He had wanted to appear weak! He dragged Chuuya on his plan without him even noticing!
Chuuya wanted to-fuck he wanted to-
He threw the dagger at the puppet with such anger, it didn’t even graze it.
Fuck! He looked up immediately, embarrassed. Dazai had done this on purpose as well! He was forcing
Chuuya to go along with his strategy!
That fucking asshole–!
The Gamemakers attention immediately drifted when they saw he had missed.
Chuuya cursed under his breath. He got a hold of the other three daggers, and threw them at the same time with astonishing almost calculated precision– the daggers hitting the puppet, two of them in both eyes, the other in the head.
Chuuya grinned.
He looked up.
No one was looking at him.
All of them were eating and chatting with each other while they drank wine.
Chuuya cracked his neck. He looked at the two daggers left in his hand.
Oh, well.
Alaric said that the only thing he shouldn’t do is make the Gamemakers mad…
But, this didn’t count because Dazai started it first.
All fair in war and hate, right?
…
“Chuuya! Dazai!” Viatrix called as soon as she entered the penthouse. Alaric was right behind her.
“We’re here!” Dazai raised his hand from the couch.
Viatrix smiled. Alaric and her -while Chuuya and Dazai were doing their performance- had been around the Capitol, getting information on public’s opinion so far on the tributes, and having meetings with many sponsors.
Before Viatrix could join the young men, Alaric stopped her by putting his hand on her shoulder. He looked exhausted, he didn’t have an ounce of alcohol all day, and perhaps no one could notice, but Viatrix could see how his face had aged by a decade from the tiresome day.
Alaric threw in front of her feet a pair of slippers. “Wear them. I don’t know how you do it, sixteen hours wearing those platforms. You’re giving me the creeps.”
Viatrix raised her eyebrow, and looked at the red slippers. “But, they’re flat.”
Alaric groaned. “Why do I even try– don’t your feet hurt, Via?!”
“They certainly do,” Viatrix's lips stretched in a smile. Well, that was a first. “Thank you, Alaric.”
Alaric, who was probably waiting for her jab, was left speechless, his mouth agape. He gathered himself quickly, and nodded.
Viatrix took off her platforms, and wore the comfortable never worn slippers that she had bought once for herself and never worn.
She joined Alaric soon enough, a little taken back by the sudden height difference between them, being used to being as tall as him on her platforms.
Alaric must have noticed that as well because he looked strangely at her, but his gaze didn’t linger, attention going back to his tributes. “So?”
Chuuya and Dazai, both freshly showered as Viatrix could tell, and wearing their pajamas set on the couch comfortably. Chuuya had even grabbed some snacks and was enjoying himself, while Dazai. Viatrix tilted her head to look at him properly. Dazai looked weird.
Dazai never looked weird.
Dazai always looked uniform.
Viatrix chewed on her inner cheek, worried.
“Everything went fine with me,” Chuuya shrugged.
“With me as well,” Dazai followed.
Alaric looked between them. “I will grab a glass of whiskey,” he announced.
Somehow Viatrix didn’t feel like stopping him.
It was clear as day that something hadn’t gone fine.
While Alaric returned with his probable second glass, Viatrix was sure he must have taken a shot on one, and the scores began to be televised.
As usual, they showed a photo of the tribute, then flashed their score below it. The Districts 1, 2 and 4 got in the eight-to-ten range, which was something that was starting to be usual in the games. Most of the other players average a five. Surprisingly, Arzhel came up with an eight and Nesta with a seven.
District 12 came up last, as usual. Dazai pulled a four.
“You happy with that?” Alaric asked, not even looking at him.
“Very,” answered Dazai with not much emotion in his voice.
Before Viatrix could say something of her own to him, Chuuya’s score appeared. An eleven .
Chuuya grinned. “Well, I certainly am happy with mine.”
“An eleven!” Viatrix gasped. “Good job, Chuuya!”
“Thank you, Trix.” The redhead gave her a nod.
Viatrix's smile didn’t last long because when she met eyes with Alaric and Dazai, she immediately knew something was wrong.
“How did you pull that, son?” Alaric asked.
“I don’t know Alaric, how?” Chuuya turned at him. “Perhaps we want to ask Dazai, don’t we?”
“I did what I thought best for us.” Dazai answered coldly. “I clearly failed anyways, so what does it matter?”
Viatrix looked between the men. “What’s going on?”
“Let me tell you what’s going on, Trix,” Chuuya got up on his feet, and glared down at Dazai. The other met his gaze. “The stud Dazai pulled at the training ground was planned. He had realized how he wanted to be appeared in front of the tributes and the Gamemakers, and he knew I wouldn’t agree to his strategy, so he chose to play his fuckin’ mind games and embaress us in front of the tributes. Alaric, of course, had already understood all of this!”
“For your information he didn’t say jackshit to me,” Alaric raised his hands in the air. “I just got a hint of his idea. Everyone could if they looked too closely into it, you were just too angry.”
“Of course! He knew that!” Chuuya shouted, furious. “And he thought I would realize it once I was at my performance, he thought I would lose my cool, and he thought I would do badly at the performance!”
“That’s correct.” Dazai answered.
“Oh, Dazai… ” Viatrix put her hand on her mouth.
“You’re a fuckin asshole you know that? Even here you want to control how I do things?” Chuuya shouted at him.
“My strategy is better, you know that. We could use the element of surprise! He could let them deal with the rest-”
“What rest Dazai, huh?! What rest?! In total there are twenty four players, if we exclude ourselves, twenty two, if we remove Nesta and Arzhel from the equation, in which in my understanding they’re our allies– I don’t know if that has fuckin’ changed for you! There are twenty! Twenty! In which we already know the big alliance. District 1, 2 and 4! Six people! You know how many are left?! Fourteen! In which eight of them are children! Fuckin’ children and you know that the remaining rest are not as deadly as those six!”
“Because I know that they’re not as deadly, I know that we have a disadvantage in numbers Chuuya! Because we know they’re not deadly, if we appear weak we might have a chance to strike down at the best given time!” Dazai shouted back. “Those children are going to die anyway! You know that, right?!”
“And our humanity doesn’t come back if we lose it! Do you know that?! I need you to know that! I need you to fucking know that! Wasn’t this the reason why you switched to the light! Why you left the Port Mafia! I thought you had fucking changed! I thought you had become better-”
“I’m not better, Chuuya! I’m a survivor. I sink my teeth in the flesh and I don’t fucking let go!” Dazai stood tall, facing him now.
“Well, I’m a fucking fighter! I do not care! I’m as deadly as all six of them! I could handle them and survive! At least hopping that those children don’t die by fucking psychos, Dazai! I don’t fucking know! There is no fucking way to be right in this! I know that! But if I know shitty something is that you playing my game for me it’s wrong! It’s something I didn’t ask you to fuckin’ do!”
“So what are you going to do, are you going to pretend you still have a shield of gravity that protects you?! Because you fucking don’t have it Chuuya! You don’t! You’re thinking as if you’re as strong as you were, but you’re not! These people have learned how to be strong without their abilities! You don’t even pass the first grade in that! Why don’t you understand that that our best way-”
“Your best way! Your best fuckin’ way! Not mine! Not mine when you especially don’t walk me through it, and choose to make me play the role of the fool! I will play the Hunger Games my way and I will win!”
“Tell me your way then! Tell me your way! How did you get the eleven points?” The brunette lowered his head, face inches away from Chuuya’s. Blue met brown . “Because I know for a fact that you missed your first time.”
“You don’t know that–”
“I know that. I’m familiar with you inside and out, your timing, your thrusts, your moves, pacing, habits, your breathing pattern and your heartbeat. I know how to drive you crazy. I know how to handle you. I know how to make you lose your fucking shit and miss Chuuya.” Dazai’s gaze didn’t move. “How did you get eleven points?”
“I threw two daggers at the Gamemakers."
Dazai looked at him in disbelief, he drew back scanning his face.
“You what ?” Viatrix immediately turned to look at Alaric.
“You threw, a dagger–no, daggers at the Gamemakers?!” Alaric’s glass slipped through his hand. “Where?!”
“One in the cooked pig’s fucking apple, and the other next to the Gamemakers head,” Chuuya shrugged.
Viatrix looked horrified.
“You really did it,” Dazai’s eyes widened.
“Of course I did it! You set me up for failure! They weren’t paying attention, and it got me more riled up-”
“What are you five–”
“Well, if I gotta deal with a five year old, then I will act five!” Chuuya pointed at him. “Do you think it’s going to be a problem?” The redhead turned at Alaric, he knew he wasn’t asking for anyone in the room. His only worry had been Nyx.
Alaric inhaled sharply. “Well, that’s that.”
“How are you so calm about this?!” Viatrix snapped.
“I’m not!” Alaric snapped at her and was meant by a glare. “It would be a pain to replace Chuuya at this stage–he probably got a lot of public eyes on him with the score, something that can help with the sponsorship. No one outside of the game is in danger,” Alaric turned to answer the question. “They’d have to reveal what happened in the Training Center for it to have any worthwhile effect on the population. People would need to know what you did. But they can’t since it’s secret, so it’d be a waste of effort,” clarified Alaric. “What I’m worried about is that you just caused yourself and Dazai a lot of pain in the game. I can do nothing about that.” Alaric broke into a laugh. “But putting Dazai in such a situation was probably a part of your plan, so I guess you don’t even care about that.”
Chuuya shrugged.
Dazai said nothing.
“I told you two,” Alaric looked between them, “you’re good. You’re both good. You both have a chance to go home, and the only thing that can stop that is your own stupidity. You have to figure your shit out now! Before the game starts or you will be each other’s end. You will be each other’s death, are you hearing me? ”
Chuuya clenched his jaw looking away.
Dazai said nothing.
“They’re hopeless.” Viatrix massages her temples.
“Head at me! Oi!” Alaric told both of them, approaching them. “I need you two to tell me you understand! This is no game! Chuuya just made a horrible mistake that might cost one of you a limb! Tell me you understand. Talk to each other. Walk shit through. Dazai stop thinking for him –he has a brain of his own, and Chuuya don’t be impulsive just to have a reaction out of Daza-”
“Oi- I didn’t-”
“I don’t think-”
“Shut up! Do you understand?!”
The young men exhaled and nodded.
“Now Chuuya,” Alaric grinned. “What were their faces like?”