Chapter Text
Title: 常闇の夜明け (tokoyami no yoake)
Band: exist†trace
Pov: 猶人 (Naoto)
What are you up to right now?
Naoto put the smartphone back into the pocket of her hoodie jacket because she didn’t expect to receive an answer right away. Kazuko wasn’t one of those who recognized their messages soon, so it could take a while.
She already had asked Nanami the same as well as Misato. On the online platforms, Naoto usually spent her time at, nothing was happening at all today.
The notification sound from her smartphone jarred Naoto out of her thoughts. That was surprisingly fast. Hope built up inside her and Naoto tried to push it down.
I and Shun are going to watch a movie later on.
Alright. Have fun.
It hurt. Even though Naoto had tried not to hope, she was powerless against that feeling.
By now she actually should be used to this. For it was like this most of the times.
Once again Kazuko didn’t have time for her. Because she preferred spending it with her boyfriend.
This was a thought Naoto never expressed towards anyone. For they didn’t understand. At least not the people she knew in that so-called „real life“. Online there sometimes were people but she couldn’t connect on a deeper trusting level to any of them. She read their posts, she left comments, and she also gave some likes or received the same from them but it never resulted in more. By now Naoto had given up on that road.
It also actually wasn’t about these more or less unfamiliar people by whom she wanted to be understood, she couldn’t meet them in any case because they were living too far away.
Right, she wasn’t in a romantic relationship, because she simply didn’t want to be. The times she had tried had resulted in chaos and pain and Naoto didn’t want to burden herself any further. She didn’t know what she would do, if she came across someone who stirred up feelings in her but she wasn’t on the lookout for that.
What bugged her wasn’t Kazuto spending time with Shun but that he always came first. That also applied to the others and their relationships. Romantic relationships always got viewed as more important. Who wasn’t involved in one was left standing, always just being in the petty place friendly ones were compared to romantic ones. Friendships were important. But above this kinship came. Above this it were romantic relationships and one’s own little family.
That was a picture Naoto couldn’t relate to, in the end all of them were people.
Relationships naturally differed in regards of how intense they were, after all it wasn’t possible to relate to everyone by the same profundity. But this artificial classification simply wasn’t natural. Especially when all of them reached out to her when something in their relationships was off, at these times she was important all of a sudden. Then she was good for being their emotional trash can. Of course Naoto was there for them, because that’s what friendship meant to her. The others didn’t even have to say anything. Usually Naoto sensed already that something wasn’t right, weighted them down or made them sad.
She wished for the others to reach out to her on their own accord. Not only by saying the common set-phrase „how are you“ but by showing honest interest. That they sensed when she was having a bad day, when she was lonely.
That things weren’t as one-sided.
All this was leaving with Naoto was a feeling of solitude.
Insignificance.
Emptiness.
Naoto turned away from the street, followed the narrow path and finally got out of the undergrowth. Behind, there was the little river she favored as her retreat. As alone as she was used to be but without other people surrounding her. It didn’t matter whether she was there or here, the feeling was the same.
None of the others saw the wounds because they were covering her soul. But to Naoto it felt as if there wasn’t a single part of her body that wasn’t blotched by them. She was so endlessly lonely that not even now, sitting in the bright sun, she was becoming aware of any light. To her only darkness existed. Surrounding her as well as deep down inside her. It was what she knew best.
While everything Naoto was seeking was a tiny bit of warmth and gentleness, like a child starving for love.
But no matter what Naoto said or did, no one heard her. No one saw how much she was suffering. How the all-consuming loneliness engulfed her.
Tears ran down her face and she couldn’t stop them. Coming here sometimes helped but not so today. The pain of being utterly alone, entirely insignificant was just way too much to bear. At some point the tears would cease, then, when she even hadn’t any strength left for crying.
Everyone told her, she only had to reach out, but they didn’t listen. She had been indicating more than once that she couldn’t bear this anymore. Anything else the others expected from her she couldn’t give. She wouldn’t be herself anymore. She had to choose between changing who she was because she didn’t get accepted that way or to remain solitary and alone.
So she didn’t have a choice.
And let herself be consumed by solitude.