Chapter Text
the first month that passed without caitlyn feels like a god damn year.
there isn't a single text or phone call and its good for a while. it makes things easier on violet who’s -since caitlyn- developed a nasty fixation on those private voicemails she would leave even long before their fight. for a while she listens back to them to sooth herself. she listens to caitlyn laugh and cry and tell her how much she missed violet while she does her laundry and showers and eats.
it hurts too much to fall asleep to her voice though. she will always always prefer the taller girls physical presence in bed and after a while she begins to forget what caitlyn's hands feel like between her own. it makes her die a little bit realizing this is only the start of the end for them.
she stops listening to the voicemails all together when she’s reminded by friends and family that she wasnt an active addict or depressed or anything she was just in love. she has to move on and get better they tell her still.
but it doesn't hurt any less everytime she steps into her room and it feels like shes living in a memory. one second shes there and the next caitlyns laid down just beside her on the bed, caressing her face and telling her over and over to just close her eyes and sleep . when she blinks shes back and cant help laughing at herself for crying so hysterically.
at first she’d done her very best not to see caitlyn in person. vander had picked her up from school about a dozen times when she’d insisted she’d be alright to go only to catch a glimpse of navy blue hair- whether it was caitlyns or not-and have a meltdown in the bathroom. she would only call him at the end of them having been reduced to a few tears and short sniffles when he’d pick up and tell her it was alright. it was the obvious choice to simply allow violet some time and space, switching her over to homeschooling for another two months before she starts going a little stir crazy being home so long.
somehow she’d managed to avoid her own room outside the basic need for clothes and a shower. she picks up new hobbies that exhaust her physically. working out and such. vander insists she learn to spar with jinx since she’d been boxing for so long in her own space and her younger sister had learned to fight in closer combat with vander. she does just that-she learns how to fight outside her boxing bag and occasionally jinx will allow her to indulge in being beat to the ground before she taps out.
jinx realizes after a while that violet is worse off than she thought, begging to spar over and over even if she can hardly stand. violet finds slight relief-a sick sort of comfort in being kicked and punched again and again because shes less likely to think with splitting pain to the face. her sister stops fighting her then, insisting to take up more curious hobbies like ishas gadgets or even ekkos plants and science projects that grow in jinx and their youngest sisters windowsill as the time passes.
violet doesn't drink or smoke like she used to. she’d already guessed that her sneaky ass sister would be the first to take her things from under the bed after the fight and she’d been right but too sad and too mentally exhausted to ask for them back. even when she has long days and longer nights she doesn't want to forget the things that she feels in the moment. they serve as a reminder that her choices had lead her here.
her family only let her use every room besides her own to sleep in for another two months before its been five and winter break is nearly over in a couple days.
christmas comes and goes and shes happy for a while- still she cant help imagining caitlyn there in an ugly sweater and a red santa hat beside their janky little tree downstairs. strung up with vintage pink and blue lights and reminding her oddly of a certain stoplight she’s long since forgotten about (she hasn't).
her birthday passes and she requests that they all just give her a big hug and blow out the candle wishes for her since she has none anymore. its the same day that she sits down in her room for the first time in a long time. theres dust everywhere on the shelves and even her bedside nightstand. in caitlyns mug that she’d refused to touch and so she asks jinx to find her a box.
violet rips off her old bedsheets and sleeps on the bare mattress for a few days before vander insists she gets new ones. it takes her some time but she just closes her eyes and picks a new set when they go and eventually sleeping on her own bed again isn't so hard. the oversized empty boot box that jinx gives her fits the mug and a couple other things. caitlyns pink fuzzy socks that she’d left at the foot of violets bed.
its such a silly memory now that caitlyn had been so adamant about the pair of socks to fall asleep and she wonders how the taller girl rests without them. or violet -who tosses all of caitlyns favorite shirts and sweaters left on the back of violets desk chair into the box. she holds her breath the entire time-too afraid to catch a whiff of the girl and forget how to breathe properly.
theres enough room after the couple pieces of clothing to hide the collection of books and knick knacks caitlyn had just left around her room over time. her spare red school council cuff in violets bathroom. her spare purple toothbrush. her lavender body lotion at violets sink. the stupid fucking silver ring she’d won caitlyn after a night out with jinx and ekko at an arcade and when she’d given it to the girl it’d fit perfectly around her pinkie finger but she refused to wear it anywhere outside of violets room.
“i don't want to lose it. its safe here.” caitlyn had told her, holding it to her chest with eyes bright enough to light up the dark room. and there it was just under the last sketchbook of violets she had been looking through before their final fight. violet heaves a sigh when she takes a seat at her desk-breathing evenly to prevent any sort of breakdown she fears may occur being here after so long.
everything looks the same as caitlyn had left it- neatly aligning the past journals by year along the wall where it met the edge of violets desk. all her pens and pencils collected in one big mason jar on the other end. she’d been forced into buying a tiny bulletin board by caitlyn to hang pictures of them she’d since ripped off and hidden. stickers and forgotten hair ties of caitlyns that she’d considered burning before breaking down in sobs at the thought of getting rid of a single trace of the girl, truly.
like a bag of rocks poured into the contents of her empty stomach she’d realized there was a single blue pen besides her most current open moleskin on the desk.
the one she’d insisted caitlyn not to read.
maybe the taller girl had just assumed it was finished based on the three remaining unfilled pages before violet. except they werent exactly empty no-there was writing on the last one.
she’d refused to read it then-flipping through the previous pages to check for any other writing and stilling in her seat when she’d realized caitlyn had marked up the journal entirely.
there are notes littered along her writing from the day they met up until the days before things had gone wrong as caitlyn had said-that they weren't meant to go that way and she feels a little like she should be angry that having seen all of violets thoughts caitlyn still chose to act the way she had. except violet doesn't have it in her to be anything but fond for the navy haired girl when she begins looking through the journal.
“i think caitlyns kinda into me. i dunno. maybe i just have a big head.” violet had written the night they met, just underneath it caitlyn had written back, “i am. hopelessly so.”
every single page had embarrassing reactions to the things violet had written about the girl. angry faced doodles and exposing material from caitlyn like, “you snored that night very loudly.” or “you looked sexy in that jacket, vi. wear it more.” before she realized it she’d been crying all over the journal, inky blue drops created by her own tears seeping through the pages beneath them.
violet quickly closed the journal and tossed it somewhere on her desk-completely unaware of the words scrawled on the very last page. it never got any easier hearing caitlyns honest thoughts. they felt like a rarity-she wasn't exactly sure how she should react considering she hadnt know caitlyn had been writing back to violet in her own way.
she didn't have very much time to reflect on it when there’d been a gentle knock and a quick crack of her door-isha peaking in at her.
violet didn't bother shooing the child away, allowing isha to drag her downstairs and onto the sofa before looking for the remote while sat in her sisters lap. she seemed to be doing her best to distract violet, tapping her cheeks and clicking her tongue when the older girl would stare off occasionally or sniffle like she might start crying again.
it worked well enough. they watched tv and sat together till her phone read 12:23am and her sadness was long past. still, isha sleepily insisted on showing violet the last of her newest scap metal gadgets in hopes of making her feel better. violet thanked isha for her efforts, scooping her up and hauling her off to bed where jinx waited patiently for the oldest girl to tuck isha in and stand at the bed to have a much needed talk.
“vander said not to bother you guys.” jinx said with a sniff, brushing ishas bangs out of her face from where she slept not long after her head touched the pillow, dab smack in the middle of the bed with jinx just beside her.
“it’s whatever. shes too nice to be ignored, ya know? she doesn't deserve that.”
“neither do you, sis. all this emotional constipation aint good for ya.”
“so you don't hate her?” violet asks, unsure of whether or not she should be mentioning caitlyn for the sake of her own well being or even defending her and it definitely hurts thats for sure-all her breaths coming a little quicker.
“i don't really know what happened but no. i don't. i….see her around school sometimes. she looks awful.”
“shut up.” violet scolds her, reaching over isha to smack at jinxs shoulder before the blue haired girl rolls her eyes with a laugh.
“not awful like that idiot i mean she just looks so-sad. or something i don't know she wasnt my friend or anything. i just know ya loved her.”
“ love her.”
“still?” jinx asks, unaware of her words sparking a memory behind violets eyes. suddenly shes at the blue stoplight sat just beside caitlyn, admitting that she’d waited around for the taller girl to come see her and caitlyn is blushing when she turns away from her. picking flowers under her hands that shake just a bit, pink at the knuckles. and then shes gone from violets mind-just a distant memory and it hurts so much violet wished she hadn't corrected jinx at all.
“still.” violet sighs, letting her head fall to avoid her sisters all knowing stare.
“vander says you’re going back to school after christmas break?” jinx asks, genuine curiosity in her eyes when violet feels brave enough to face her again after her previous confession.
the information is true much to her sister’s surprise and bout of silence when violet nods her head yes. vander had given her an ultimatum the day before her birthday-that she go back to school to finish the rest of her senior year with her head held high or he’d personally go and speak with caitlyns dad to work out a solution for their daughters.
violet had been furious at first, bolting up the stairs and slamming her door shut in a crying fit before coming back down all but five minutes later, an apology at the ready. vander had been more than supportive about her being home for so long but he was tired of seeing her so down he’d told her, teary eyed and helpless.
violet had spent so long upset at caitlyn and herself that she’d forgotten her father loved her more than he could control. this affected him too. all of them. he could only wait around so patiently with each passing day assuming violet would feel better but eventually it had to end-all the waiting and hoping and hiding.
so she’d hugged him hard and said she appreciated him-more than he could ever know and that he could switch her back over to school. she would be alright, she’d reassured him patting his big fallen shoulders and kissing his cheek like she’d done since she was younger.
“i’ll be fine. i’ve been told plenty that im great at ignoring people . ” violet laughs nervously, reaching a hand toward the gold lamp at their bedside and flicking it off before jinx can say anything more. “time for bed, pow pow.” violet sing songs.
“im not a kid ya know?”
“yeah but you’ll always be one in my eyes.”
“you’re a real piece of work.” jinx yawns, curling up into ishas side as she watches violet go quietly.
the oldest girl has no better answer than to stick her tongue out before shutting the door.
the days leading up to school are, for better words: very harsh.
she doesn't bother reading through the rest of the journal, tossing it into the caitlyn collection and hiding it far far away under her bed. its sort of symbolic to her seeing how the previous substances under there had been real world problems and addictions and now it just feels like she’s stuffed all her love for caitlyn kiramman down there in a big boot box.
violet does what shes always been best at-busying herself with useless things. laundry and cooking and playing with isha. avoiding jinxs demands to be her personal bodyguard at school in case she may run into the kiramman girl.
she considers it at first because she doesnt exactly have the best track record when it comes to standing up to caitlyn and resisting her wishes when she recalls the last time they were together. it sends her spiraling for one guilty moment but this is really the sort of thing she has to be able to deal with on her own she tells jinx who groans and throws her head against the closest wall within reach.
its only hard because she’s pretty sure she will see caitlyn at some point and violet is truly terrified she will break and beg to be close again. she’s desperate to be with her like before their break, an unholy desire to have any sort of contact with caitlyn be it a friendship or sexual benefit-whatever she has to offer up just to be in caitlyns good graces. shes long past being angry and though everything hurts-its worse than death she’d imagine, being without her for forever.
or maybe shes just a god damn teenage girl-dramatic as all hell.
the night before the end of christmas break shes shaking and sweating just packing her school bag. she’d bought new moleskins to bring and hopefully discard some of the thoughts that jumble around in her head throughout passing classes. shes busy finding her uniform and still refusing jinxs persistence until the last hour of the day and she has to physically shove the girl out of her room with a, “i’ll have your ass if you ask again.” its meant to be a threat but of course it isn't taken that way.
“ew.” jinx scrunches her nose, turning on her heel and gasping when violet grabs the knob and slams her door in the girls face with an exasperated,“shut the fuck up! ”
thankfully vander doesn't mention the shouting in the morning. hes half awake but somehow full of nerves when violet steps past the car doors as they arrive before she turns back around and leans through the open window to say goodbye. jinx is long gone, just a tad upset from the night before and since she’s probably missed ekko over the break.
“you’ll call me. if you feel sick or upset or-”
“i’ll be fine. im a big girl.” violet sighs, anxious energy doing nothing to help her case but neither is her dads.
“im serious violet.”
“trust me i know .”
“i can just go through the office and they’ll let me follow you around for the day.” vander threatens, falling on deaf ears since violet can see his pupils shaking, stern voice cracking at the end.
“i love you.” she says, effectively ending the conversation and walking towards the gates without looking back. she night just cry if she looks at vanders worried face any longer.
its sort of embarrassing how quickly she walks to her first period, hoping to prevent any sort of chance that she might actually see caitlyn. violets standing around and waiting to head in to her first period before the door even opens, practically bolting inside when the bell finally rings and her teacher lets her inside noting its nice to see her after so long.
violet wishes she could say the same.
the fates are far more than kind when the first week back passes and shes yet to see caitlyn kiramman once. of course she was scared half to death every day that passed thinking it might just be the day they run into each other but eventually she easied back into her schedule without any mishaps.
in all her anxious worrying about seeing caitlyn around campus she’d completely forgotten the stalky cause of their fight in the first place. this had unfortunately ended her lucky streak on the friday of her second week back.
violet had just been leaving her last period at the sound of the bell, waiting around for the larger mass of people to pass down the halls before making an attempt to leave school grounds.
without paying much attention violet had been sat at a bench outside the building she’d just left- head down, phone out to text her sister that she’d meet with her soon enough.
distracted as she was she did not miss the familiar head of bright orange from her peripheral, head snapping to her side the instant she watched maddie descend on her and take the empty seat to her right.
“first day back?” maddie asked, voice even and nonchalant like violet wasn't turning red in the face just before her.
the pink haired could girl not fathom maddies choice to sit this close knowing violet would not hesitate to punch her dead in the face. violet had every right to. she was the reason violet had lost everything.
well, one of the reasons anyway.
the short, ugly, freckled faced, ginger headed fucking reason.
“did you slip and hit your head somewhere?” violet asks out of breath, looking around at the ground near the bench they sat at in search of blood.
“im sorry?” maddie asks, confused at what violet could possibly mean by that before she laughs in the gingers face, the sound forced out of her in sheer shock at the audacity.
“well are you concussed? why else would you be here talking to me.” violet says with a hard glare, her lungs filling and failing to work properly shes just so angry.
“oh aren't you a funny one.” maddie snaps, heaving an annoyed sigh and turning away before muttering under her breath, “this was a mistake.”
“well don't stop on my account.” violet protests, standing from the bench and staring down at maddie since she refuses to face her now. “you came to talk so say whatever it is you thought was so important you’d risk losing your god damn head -”
“its caitlyn.”
violet is almost sure that before, if the navy haired girl were mentioned to her she might just stop breathing all together and ask what was wrong with her. where she could find the taller girl and how she could fix whatever it was that was hurting her but now that she’s had time away shes just pissed that this is the best maddie can manage to get her attention.
“i dont care.” violet seethes, taking a big step away from the ginger haired girl to create some distance from the physical power that the name has over her. “you wanted her so bad you can have her.”
“no-i-i’ll admit i did what i had to hurt you. setting that up and kissing her but-i thought that if you were gone she would choose me.” maddie says in one long hopeless breath, ears red and head hung down in shame from where shes sat. “i tried the best i could but you were there at every turn and i really truly hoped if you werent and i made a move she could want me like she wanted you. i was wrong.” maddie begins, sniffling and bringing a quick hand over her cheek to swipe away a stray tear all while avoiding violets gaze.
if the pink haired girl didn't hate maddie-hell if she didn't know her she might feel bad for the girl because she knows how it feels to love caitlyn. the painful pining and hoping for more just to be let down despite your very best efforts. although the situation is somewhat different for both of them they’ve got paddles in the same spinning boat and she hates that deep down she feels worse for maddie than she does for herself when she confesses to violet. “she doesnt like me. she told me so.”
“you dont know that for sure.” violet starts with a reluctant sigh before maddie shakes her head in refusal and cuts her off.
“caitlyn pushed me away. said she was sorry and i tried to kiss her again but she very kindly… told me i wasn't the one she wanted. ‘it’ll always be violet.’ she’d said and i didnt want to believe her at first but she’s miserable now and i’m not sure how to help fix the mess i’ve made-”
“she didn't even try when it really came down to it so what difference does it make.” violet chokes, knees shaking and threatening to give out from under her. its only then when shes on the verge of tears that maddie spares her a glance, scoffing and shaking her head disappointedly.
“she likes you and you’re just going to stop trying?” maddie presses on, tugging at the black straps of her bag over her shoulders like she’s anxious violet will lash out at her.
maybe before but not now after what shes been told.
not when maddie is looking right at violet and they’re the heart broken mirrored image of one another.
“my love for her was unrequited…. i truly think you should give it another shot. you don't have any reason to stand there and listen or to try on my behalf-but for caitlyn i’d hoped you would. i’m sorry i hurt the both of you.” maddie says standing from her seat and hovering in front of violet like she has more to say. she opens her mouth once and shuts it visibly unsure of herself before admitting after a long pause, “i never said i loved her out loud but….. it wouldn't have meant much.”
she walks away without another word, passing by with an apologetic half smile before quickly looking away from violet.
her phone is buzzing.
she can feel it in her back pocket and she’s sure her sister must be wondering where she is now but she cant bring herself to move just yet. maddie nolen was the last person she’d expected to give her relationship advice and at first she’d been upset- now shes even more so but not because maddie hurt her personally when she’d confessed to violet what had happened or what had been said. violet can think of no other reason for maddie to come and talk besides her genuinely caring for caitlyn like she had mentioned and it has her absolutely floored.
she expects jinx to be annoyed when she finally finds violet, still as a statue. not a tear in sight just these whiny little gasps of air like she cant get enough of it. she doesn't want to explain what happened.
jinx doesnt make her.
she looks the pink haired girl over once, comes face to face with her before asking, “can ya walk?” violet blinks at her, nodding so forcefully after a minute that jinx can hear a couple cracks from her neck and she just makes a face at the sounds and goes, “alrighty vanders here then. lets go home.” before she takes her by the hand and hauls the hobbling older girl away.
“bad day.” jinx announces when they get to the car to silence vander and his immediate firing of questions at the sight of the pink haired girl. she still somehow withholds the tears but she cant exactly say anything either, scared she’ll lose it if she tries and she doesn't want to disappoint anyone. she’d been fine before maddie and she’d been better off without caitlyn kiramman she convinces herself.
“just give her time.” violet hears jinx say to their father quietly as they all make it past the doorway and she heads for the stairs out of habit.
she doesn't recall falling asleep after her head hit the pillows when she made it to her room and showered-violet stuck moving on autopilot. after some time passes she briefly registers jinx and vander both checkin in on her at separate times.
she finds that she just can't bring herself to cry now. violet wishes she could. she wishes she felt upset or heated or even jealous at the mental image of maddie and caitlyn together again but she’s just sort of floating around in thought, trapped in her own still body. nothing particularly hurts but its definitely hard bringing herself downstairs to eat and back up to her room to think some more.
its difficult to do anything besides think about caitlyn kiramman after having avoided it for so long. for her own sake she’d done her best to cast caitlyn off in her mind and make her out to be this selfish, unkind person, inconsiderate of violets efforts and feelings and that had been the reason they werent together.
it was shocking more than anything that caitlyn had managed to admit to maddie that she liked violet and not to the very girl herself. she replayed and replayed the scene from hours before in her head searching for any hint of a lie or another scheme on maddies behalf and found nothing but genuine honesty.
if maddie had really meant every word she’d said then caitlyn must still actively like violet.
this answer, no matter what way she turned it around in her head and came face to face with a countless amount times she could not comprehend for the life of her.
“are you alive?” jinx asks her later peaking past violets door with a knock and a timid glance at around 12am.
the blue haired girl moves like a shadow, shifting across the room to the foot of the bed where violet lays on her back, staring up at her ceiling without sparing her younger sister any attention during her current revelation.
theres no overlooking the cold hard truth of it all.
“i think…i might’ve fucked up.”