Archive of Our Own ^beta

glass child

adj.

a sibling who feels invisible because their sibling(s) take up a disproportionate amount of parental energy. generally the oldest sibling.

Changbin loved his family, he really did. His parents, Chan and Minho, were great. They had adopted him when he was 9, and he couldn’t be more grateful for what they had done for him. He hadn’t had it as bad as some foster kids, he knows that. He was never terribly abused, just mostly…ignored. He never had someone taking care of him, always focusing on their actual children before they even gave him a glance. 

So when Minho and Chan had taken him in, he couldn’t have been happier. They gave him love, they gave him affection, and what he most needed, attention. They never once strayed from hugging or cuddling him when he asked. They held him as he cried instead of scoffing and locking him in his room. They took him out to restaurants with his favorite food when he got a good grade, they praised him whenever he did something well. He loved them, and they loved him. 

And then they adopted Jisung. Which was great! Changbin loved Sungie, he was his brother through and through. And he wouldn’t give his younger brother up for the world. And he felt terrible at how jealous he got when the younger came to their home, how that jealousy still festered in him some days.

Jisung struggled with severe anxiety, which he guessed was reasonable for all the boy had been through in the past. His parents didn’t let him in on all the details, but they told him how Sungie might be a little bit more panicked if you approached him at a quick pace or made sudden movements. How the boy had a fear of tight spaces and of the dark because of one of the foster homes he was in previously. And Changbin is glad that his parents got Jisung out, he really is. But..sometimes it meant that most of their energy was focused on him instead. Which was fine! Really, it was fine. At least that’s what he keeps telling himself.

Jisung deserved to be loved, the boy was sweet, kind, funny, and overall amazing. All things Changbin felt like he couldn’t live up to most days. Changbin had always been considered brash and immature by most of his homes, and Chan and Minho had worked to undo all that was stuck in his head but sometimes…sometimes it just festered. Plaguing his mind until all he could think about was that he wasn’t good enough.

His parents still paid attention to him though, so it was fine. And Jisung was great, really great. So he was okay.

And then they had gotten Jeongin. 

Jeongin was young, really young, maybe 4 and a half when his parents had adopted him. The boy had gone through a lot, even for his young age, leading him to be mute. When the younger had first shown up at his house, Changbin was confused on why the boy was making no noise. He kept trying to get the boy to talk and was just met with wide, teary eyes. That was the first time his parents had ever truly scolded him, telling him that he knows better than to be pushy and that he needs to be understanding. He swore up and down he was trying to be, he was just confused! And his parents had later sat down and apologized to him for yelling, explaining why the boy wouldn’t make even a squeak. 

Jeongin had never been properly taught even how to talk, Jeongin had been raised by two people who did the bare minimum and that was it. They never taught him how to read, how to write, nothing. Chan and Minho had to teach Jeongin everything with the help of various tutors and teachers. And yet, they still couldn’t get the younger to say a word. It’s okay, Jeongin was still great. They all learned sign language to help, taking classes together. It was also good that Minho had already had an understanding of basic sign language from his friend when he was little. Changbin really loved his youngest brother. He was smiley, even if he didn’t talk you could always tell how he was feeling by his expressive eyes. 

Jeongin looked at Changbin like he was the answer to all questions of the universe, and Changbin was so happy about that. He helped to teach Jeongin simple things, like how to draw, and helped him to recite his ABC’s, giving him a high five and a large grin when his younger brother was able to do it. Changbin would do anything for him. Even if sometimes his parents would be so busy with praising Jeongin when he’s make progress with his writing or reading that they forgot to say anything to him when he came home with another A on a math test.

Then it was Hyunjin. Hyunjin was hard of hearing. The young boy had been adopted by his parents after he lost his own, looking just as confused and lost as Jisung did the first day he came in. From the vague details he had heard from his parents talking about in their room, Hyunjin’s dad had shot his mom, right next to Hyunjin. Which was also why Hyunjin couldn’t hear almost anything out of his left ear. 

It helped that the family was already able to speak sign language, so his parents took Hyunjin in without hesitation. 

Being hard of hearing meant a flurry of doctor’s appointments to make sure that everything was in check. Making sure his hearing aids were still okay, and that nothing had happened to further damage the little hearing he had left.

Minho and Chan had sat Jisung, Innie, and him down to talk about it. Telling them that sometimes Hyunjin wouldn’t be wearing his hearing aids, and that they’d have to be understanding if the boy wasn’t responsive the first time they said something. Changbin could do that! He was understanding. 

Minho and Chan even thanked him for being such an understanding brother, for helping to take care of the others and how great he was. That made him happy. Really happy. If his actions made his family happy, then he was satisfied. 

Hyunjin and Jisung didn’t get along at first, at all. Causing Changbin or his parents to have to intercept their fights more than once. Changbin had been caught in the middle and gotten bruised or scratched more than a couple times from having to stop the two from ripping each others throats out, but he never complained, not once. Both the boys were having trouble regulating their emotions, his parents would tell him and then kiss him on the top of his head for helping them out. Changbin would grin and bear it. The two figured out their problems soon enough anyway, and were like two peas in a pod in no time. 

Him and Hyunjin grew really close too. Hyunjin was the closest to Changbin’s age, even if the younger was around the same age as Jisung it still made him happy. The family had quickly realized, once Hyunjin had broken out of his shell after therapy appointments, that the younger was extremely talented in art for how young he was. When he had started going to school again after being adopted, Hyunjin’s teachers would always rave to Changbin’s parents about the youngers abilities, and how he had a bright future ahead of him.

Changbin agreed, obviously. Hyunjin was really talented, and deserved all of the compliments he received. Changbin was happy for him, even if it meant more of his parents time was taken up going to different art shows and competitions and coming home with trophies and medals, even more so when Hyunjin had gotten involved with swimming. 

It wasn’t much later that Felix was adopted. From what he had eavesdropped on, his parents hadn’t planned on adopting anymore, but when they got a call almost begging them to foster Felix, they had to take it.

Felix had been in Korea with his family, visiting from Australia when there had been a really bad accident. Felix had been the only survivor, and had sustained a back injury from the accident. Along with this, Felix had previously been diagnosed with epilepsy from a young age. The biggest problem? Felix had no more family in Australia or Korea, and was left completely alone. It was a complicated situation, with a child stuck in the middle of it, an injured one at that. And they had needed somewhere for him to stay, so they called the one English speaking family they knew, Chan. 

Chan had taken him in without hesitation, and Minho readily agreed. The boy had shown up with a back brace and a small stuffed animal and suitcase. Muttering the smallest “Hello” in English when he walked in.

Changbin had tried to make him feel as welcome as possible, even if it was a struggle with the language barrier. Changbin had made sure to listen more closely to his English classes after that, and used some of his albeit broken sentences to interact with the younger. 

Felix’s smile had gleamed like the sun whenever Changbin spoke in English, and Changbin had been the one to give him the nickname of Sunshine, which was now widely used in the family. The younger still had some bad days, nightmares of the accident, constant doctor appointments when his back pains would flare up and he couldn’t walk properly, but he had adjusted into their family quickly, and it was only soon after that he was officially adopted like the rest of them. 

Sometimes Felix’s epilepsy would act up, despite his medication. The first time he’d had a bad seizure in front of all of them it’d been terrifying, Changbin was at a loss for what to do when the younger had told him he wasn’t feeling well, and then collapsed right in front of him. He had immediately called out to his parents and they came rushing upstairs, taking all the proper steps necessary to ensure Felix was safe. Luckily the boy had ended up fine, and Changbin vowed to learn how to properly deal with a seizure after that. 

Changbin helped Felix whenever he had a nightmare and would hold him as he fell back to sleep, letting Felix cry into his shirt. He’d help deliver Felix his pain medicine and would brush the boys hair whenever said pain medicine would make him tired afterwards. Minho and Chan would thank him for how much he helps his siblings, for how caring he is. He’d smile back and thank them. 

Changbin didn’t want to accuse his parents of having favorites, but it felt like Chan had one. Felix. Changbin could feel the same jealousy he had felt with Jisung, Jeongin, and Hyunjin curl up in him again as he watched Chan slowly turn away from him and towards Felix instead, helping the boy navigate the world. Changbin couldn’t even justify himself, Felix couldn’t speak the language. Of course he needed extra attention from Chan! And he knows how Chan gets homesick sometimes, so it was understandable that him and Felix would bond over that. Changbin can see the way Chan grins everytime Felix successfully masters a sentence in Korean, or when the younger didn’t have to worry about his back as much and could run around more freely.

Sometimes, Changbin just wishes Chan would still smile at him like that. 

The fifth and final addition to their chaotic family and Changbin’s siblings was Seungmin. He had a similar past to Jisung’s. It had taken a long, long time for Seungmin to fully open up to them and show his true self. Changbin had tried to encourage him, but everytime he did he just seemed to scare the boy more than help, just like he had done with Jeongin. That had ended up with a few times of his parents snapping at him, having to now deal with a scared Seungmin because Changbin wanted to show him a new book he read since the younger seemed to enjoy reading. It was okay. Changbin’s parents were just stressed. 

Seungmin opening up was equally a blessing and a curse, at least for Changbin. The boy was smart, really smart, and suddenly Changbin’s grades didn’t seem all that good in comparison. Suddenly, it felt like he could never live up to the standard that his brother now set. Not only that but Seungmin was a star baseball player, and soon enough just like Hyunjin his parents time was taken up by even more sporting events, more trophies, more awards. And suddenly, Changbin’s achievements in band or his school plays didn’t seem like anything too amazing. Especially when his brothers were accomplishing this at such a young age.

Seungmin was the same age as the other boys. Him, Hyunjin, Felix, and Jisung were all born in the same year, hell Felix and Jisung were a day apart in age, leading them to act more like twins more than anything. Jeongin was the baby of the family and was a couple years younger than the others, but he still fit in.

Changbin felt a bit out of place…he was a couple years older than all of them, and most of the time it felt like he had no one to hang out with. He didn’t have many friends at school, and definitely none that would hang out with outside of school. He didn’t let his parents know this though, they had enough on their plates. He didn’t need to worry them by telling them that some kids teased him in his class, or that he feels lonely most days, because how can he be lonely with such a big family around him? He must be making it up. He would do anything to lessen the stress on his parents, so that’s what he did.

Changbin was 16 now. His siblings were all 12, save Jeongin who was 10. They were doing good, as a family at least. His siblings were all happy, and that made Changbin happy.

His parents were great, they were always trying their best he knew that. They were probably better than most parents out there, and he knows they’d give up anything for them. His siblings might need a little more attention, but it’s okay. Changbin’s older now, he can handle it. 

——————

The spiral downward had started relatively small. It was right before he had turned 16, his dad, Minho, had promised him that they would go out to get pasta aioli together, just the two of them. Changbin hadn’t gotten a lot of one on one time with his parents recently, or more like in the past couple years. But it was fine.

Changbin was really excited, not only was he going into his junior year soon but he was also turning 16 in a few weeks! He hadn’t really done much this summer, with the whole not a lot of friends thing, so he was happy that they had a couple things planned that would get him out of the house. 

For now though, he was really excited about being able to go out to lunch with his dad. He had woken up early and picked out an outfit to wear, especially since where they were going had a slightly more formal vibe. Not that it was too overwhelming but still, he didn’t want to embarrass himself by showing up in gym shorts and a hoodie, his usual attire. 

The day was a bit busy, but Minho had promised that this would happen. Jeongin had soccer in the morning, which his appa, Chan, had already taken him to before heading to work. Seungmin had baseball in the middle of that so Minho had to go drop him off and then immediately drive to pick up Jeongin. 

The twins were at a friend’s house hanging out all day, so that got them out of the house. Seungmin was joining the other boys later once they were ready and Jeongin had his own play date planned with a friend. Hyunjin also had a therapist appointment right before Changbin and his dad planned to get lunch, and his dad had promised that he would take Changbin right after they got back. Hyunjin would be fine at home alone for a couple hours, he was probably the most mature out of all the younger boys, and was most likely to spend his time painting. 

So here Changbin was, sat on his bed in the outfit he picked out, waiting for Minho to come home, it should be soon. Changbin had made sure to leave some extra leeway time, considering his parents often ran late to things. It wasn’t their fault though! Sometimes it just happens. He played on his phone mindlessly, watching the minutes tick by. It still wasn’t when his dad had promised to be home, so it was fine.

He got a bit zoned out into his game, shocking himself out of it when he looked at the time.

12:45, ten minutes later than when his dad had promised to be home. He was probably just running late, sometimes Hyunjin’s therapy appointments take a little longer, especially when they mention something about his birth dad. Changbin can wait, he understood. 

He got up and made sure his hair was still okay, fluffing it down from his natural wild curls. His dad should be home soon, and then they can go get lunch together like promised, it’ll be fine. His dad wouldn’t break a promise.

1:00 hits and they’re still not back, so Changbin tries to call him. No answer, just to voicemail. That gets Changbin a little worried, so he tries calling again. No answer.

He starts pacing back and forth, did something happen to them? Are they okay? Maybe Chan knows? But he’s at work, and he always has a lot of important meetings so Changbin doesn’t want to bother him in case it’s nothing. 

So he waits. Seungmin had already left to hang out with his friends and the twins, Jeongin too once he’d been dropped off by Minho. 

He goes downstairs and sits on the couch in the living room, hoping that maybe Minho would walk in at any second.

An hour passes. It’s 2:00 and they still haven’t gotten back yet. Changbin feels tears well up in his eyes. What if something happened to them? And it is during that thought that the door opens. He shoots up, quickly walking over to the door to ask if they’re okay. 

His heart shatters.

Because in walks Hyunjin, with a box of leftovers from Hyunjin’s favorite restaurant. With a big smile on his face as his dad ruffles the younger's hair with a soft smile. 

Changbin makes a choked noise in his throat, causing Minho and Hyunjin to look over at him. He forces the tears in his eyes to go away, and tries to look as normal as possible.

“Is everything okay Changbin?” His dad asks. 

Changbin can only force himself to nod. 

“Yeah..just, I wasn't sure why you guys were so late.” He mumbles, trying to halt his voice from cracking. 

“I’m gonna go back to my room.” He quickly turns away and rushes up the stairs, closing his bedroom door shut quickly and throwing himself into his pillow.

He lasted two more seconds before the sobs started. 

Nothing had happened. Minho had forgotten, and then took Hyunjin out to lunch instead. He’d broken his promise.

Changbin had been looking forward to this for days, he’s told his dad he was looking forward to it for days, so why didn’t he remember?

He curled up, letting himself wail before finally gaining the energy to pull himself up to rip off the clothes he had chosen and replace it with his favorite hoodie and sweatpants, hiding under the blankets once again once he was finished. 

He didn’t come out until Chan came home from work and knocked on his door, letting him know that he brought home dinner. Changbin could barely ignore the rumbling in his stomach, so dejectedly he walked downstairs, trying to wipe the redness out of his eyes. 

He was stopped at the bottom of the stairs by the last person he wanted to see right now, his dad. 

“Bin, I’m really sorry baby. I totally forgot about our plans for lunch today. I’ll make it up and we can go another day ‘Kay?” Minho said as he placed a hand on Changbin’s shoulder. He simply looked down in response.

“You need to understand bud, it was a really tough day for Hyunjin in therapy. He had to talk about that night, so it was a little more emotional than usual. He was really upset afterwards and I knew that it would make him happy if we went out somewhere. It totally slipped my mind about what we had planned.” Minho continued. 

Changbin tensed. What could he say in response to that? That he doesn’t care about how Hyunjin felt at that moment, that he was more important? Yeah, no. Hyunjin deserved that lunch more than he did, he needed it after his appointment. Changbin needed to stop being selfish.

“It’s okay. I understand.” He said returning the hug his dad gave him. 

Minho pushed a kiss into the crown of his head, “Thank you baby, you’re so understanding. We appreciate it.” The man said before walking off towards the kitchen. 

Yeah, Changbin repeated to himself.

It’s okay. He can be understanding.

——————

It was a few weeks after that, the day before his birthday. Changbin was smiling ear to ear the entire day. He was turning 16, meaning that he’d be getting his drivers permit soon, and then he’d be able to drive himself soon enough. He was excited, really excited. 

Tomorrow they were planning to go to a new outlet mall near them that Changbin had been dying to go to. And then they would go out to dinner at his favorite restaurant, the same one Minho forgot to take him out to a couple weeks ago. But this time he was sure that they would actually go, considering  it was his birthday, and his sixteenth at that. 

For now though, they were all at the grocery store. Minho and Chan were buying some ingredients for a cake for tomorrow, and since Changbin had to come along to pick what he wanted, so did the rest of them. Felix was currently complaining about not having his Nintendo switch with him while Hyunjin and Jisung were trying to push each other on the shopping cart to see who could go faster. Yeah family outings were usually pretty chaotic. 

He was weighing his options between regular chocolate and red velvet while Chan and Minho were desperately trying to get the Hyunsung duo to let go of the cart while Seungmin just watched and snickered. If he chose chocolate..he’d get to choose the frosting. But he likes red velvet better, but then he’d probably have to go with the cream cheese frosting that goes best with it…

He didn’t even notice how the chaos behind him had quieted down, or how Felix started tugging on his dad’s shirt, telling him he felt off. He didn’t notice when the rest of his siblings turned around with concerned faces. He only focused back in and whipped his head towards everyone when he heard a “Felix!” And watched as the blonde boy fell backwards, Chan barely being able to grab the boy, causing Felix to hit his head, luckily not too hard as Chan’s hand almost immediately came and softened the blow. 

Changbin was immediately worried, rushing over to his parents to see if he could help at all as Felix began seizing. His dad had already taken all necessary precautions to make sure Felix remained safe while seizing, along with his appa starting a timer next to him, making sure to monitor how long it went on for. 

A small crowd of worried shoppers began to gather, and Changbin began to navigate them away so as to not crowd his brother and parents, making people aware that he had epilepsy and no they didn’t have to call 9-1-1. 

Thankfully, after a minute or so Felix’s body began to relax and he slowly came too. Changbin ran over, brushing his brother's hair carefully out of his face. 

“Are you okay Lixie? How are you feeling?” Minho asked gently. 

Felix groaned slightly, blinking slowly. 

“That’s okay, take your time.” Chan said comfortingly, kissing Felix’s forehead. 

“M’ head hurts.” Felix mumbled, turning his head to try to shake away some of the brain fog. 

His parents looked at eachother worried, having a silent conversation with one another. Changbin looked between them trying to figure out what they were saying but couldn’t hear them over the rest of their brothers also trying to comfort Felix. 

“Maybe we should take him to the hospital, just to make sure. He did hit his head and we need to know if it might be a concussion or not. It could’ve hurt his back too.” He heard Chan whisper, carefully wiping away some of the sweat from Felix’s face with a tissue. 

The hospital? They usually never had to take Felix to the hospital after a seizure, especially since this one had been relatively short. He guesses it makes a little sense though, Felix could be injured.

“Alright guys, we’re leaving, we need to go take Lix to the doctor to make sure he’s okay, yeah? Changbin, is it okay if we drop you all off at home and you watch them until we’re back? Hopefully it shouldn’t take long.” Minho asked as he carefully picked up Felix, holding him in his arms. Chan was on the other side, gathering all of their personal belongings, prepared to abandon the shopping cart of items they had accumulated. The rest of their brothers were hurrying to get out of the store also.

A thought swirled in Changbin's mind.

What about my cake?

He nearly slapped himself when he thought that. How selfish could he be? Felix could possibly be injured and he was worrying about a cake? He’s a terrible brother for even considering that more important. 

“Of course dad.” Changbin quickly says after he realizes he’d probably been quiet for a couple seconds. 

“Thank you Binnie, you’re the best. Maybe we’ll have some time tomorrow to get one of the pre-made cakes, yeah?” Chan ruffled his hair lovingly. Changbin nodded, a small smile appearing at the praise. 

He looked one more time back at the abandoned shopping cart, staring at the ingredients. It’s fine, just like appa said they can go and get something tomorrow. It’s okay. He thinks as he walks out of the store with the rest of the family. 

He ends up watching his siblings while his parents are at the hospital until about 10 pm. They had texted saying that the doctors were performing extra tests just to make sure that everything was okay, which is why it was taking so long. He was anxiously mixing some music on his laptop, which he had been getting really into recently. It helps that his appa was a producer too, and he’d been teaching him some things. The rest of the boys were watching a random movie in the living room as he was sitting in the kitchen glancing to make sure they were okay every once in a while.

When he heard the door unlocked he ran over to it. Chan was carrying a now asleep Felix, probably exhausted from the hospital stay.  

“Is he okay?” He asked as he looked at Lixie’s peaceful face.

“Yeah, he’s okay. No injury to his head or anything. His back might be a little sore for the next couple days though from the fall, so he might have to wear the brace just to make sure he doesn’t strain it too much. And he’ll probably be a bit tired.” Changbin sighed in relief at the information, glad it was nothing serious. 

“We’re gonna get him up to bed okay? The rest of you guys should head up too soon.” Chan said, hiking Felix up when the boy slumped a bit. 

“Yes appa, we will.” Changbin smiled, walking over to the kitchen and packing up his stuff. It was good that Felix wasn’t hurt, because they could still go to the mall tomorrow and out for dinner. With a smile on his face he went to bed, falling asleep excited for the next day. 

He woke up to loud voices coming from Felix’s room, shocking him out of his sleep. Pulling himself out of bed he went to investigate, shivering as his feet touched the ground without socks. The voices were growing louder, and from what he could make out it was Felix and his parents, he couldn’t tell if they were arguing or if Felix was distressed so he rushed over, opening the door carefully.

Felix shot him the most hateful glare he’s ever seen come from the younger boy, causing Changbin to flinch.

“Why did you have to tell people that I had epilepsy in the store?! Now some kids from my class know that I didn’t want to!” Felix yelled, his eyes red from previous tears and tissues. Changbin flinched at the harsh words, feeling his own tears start to well up. He didn’t mean to make Felix upset or tell people that we’re supposed to know, he was just trying to help.

“Felix! It is not Changbin’s fault. He was trying to help and get people away from you so that they weren’t crowding. He was a good big brother. Apologize now.” Chan scolded harshly, still hugging Felix’s shoulder tightly but giving him the look™️. 

Felix just kept glaring for a couple minutes before huffing out and muttering a small, “Sorry.” Before curling back into his covers and sniffling again.

“It’s okay.” Changbin let out after a few moments of silence, looking down and shuffling his feet awkwardly. What a way to start off his sixteenth birthday. 

“What else?” Chan quirked an eyebrow. 

“Happy birthday Binnie.” Felix groaned with sad eyes, blowing his nose into a tissue. 

“Thanks.” He replied, unsure of what to do now. He was gently led out of the room by Minho, who hugged him with one arm when he closed the door behind him.

“Don’t pay too much attention to him, he didn’t mean it.” His dad said gently, wiping a tear off Changbin’s face. “And happy birthday baby, you’re sixteen!” His dad piped up, pushing a kiss into his head. Changbin smiled, hugging his dad back.

“What time are we going to the mall?” He asked after a couple minutes of being wrapped in his dad’s arms, feeling the man stiffen a bit. 

Oh.

Oh no.

“I’m sorry baby, I don’t think it’s the best idea today anymore. I know you were really excited but I just don’t think we can. All the boys would want to come and we’d need both me and appa, which means no one would be here to watch after Felix. It’s not too smart to go out walking all day with his back right now, and it could end up hurting him. I’m really sorry Bin, maybe we can go out over the weekend instead?” His dad said with the most comforting voice he could with an edge of pity. 

It was fine. It’s not like Changbin had been looking forward to doing this for his birthday at all. And his dad is right, it’s not smart for Felix to be out all day. It could get his younger brother more injured. And he loved Felix, and he didn't want him to get hurt.

“Okay.” He pushes the pain of the cancelled plans out of his voice, trying to sound like it didn’t matter that much. Even if it did.

“You’re amazing Binnie, thank you. We’re really sorry. Me and Chan wouldn’t plan to do this ever, and we swear we’ll go this weekend to make up for it. You’re the best, thank you for being understanding.” Minho pushed another kiss into his forehead and ruffled his hair before walking back into Felix’s room, leaving him behind. 

It’s okay, he tried repeating to himself. Minho promised they’d go this weekend,  he could wait. They’d still go out to dinner tonight, right? 

When he walked downstairs all his other brothers pretty much attacked him in a hug, saying various happy birthdays along with Jisung belting out into song halfway through. He laughed as he pushed them off gently, giggling at their antics. See? He tried to tell himself. They all love you, and wouldn’t do anything on purpose to make you upset. 

The rest of the day had been pretty….bleak. Felix’s back had acted up sometime through and he was breaking down over the fact he had to wear his brace again. Eventually all of his brothers and parents except Changbin were trying to coax the blonde boy out of his room and out with the rest of them, spending nearly an hour doing this.

Changbin just stared blankly at the TV the entire time. He didn’t have any friends to tell him happy birthday, no one outside of his family even knew when his birthday was. And at this point, he doesn’t think his family was remembering what the day was. He knows that they said happy birthday but..they haven’t actually done anything all day to celebrate it. Chan and Minho forgot about the cake, he knows this. He knows this because it should already be here if they were getting one. And it wasn’t here. 

It was looking more like Felix’s day than his own. But it’s okay, because Felix was upset, and he had a seizure yesterday. And seizures make him more emotional and angry and it’s not his fault, he can’t regulate it. So Changbin would just have to be understanding.

The reservation time for their dinner was inching closer, and yet no one was getting ready to leave.

“Appa?” He piped up quietly, looking at Felix’s sleeping form on the couch that was lying on his dad. 

“Yeah baby?” Chan looked over towards him. 

“Are we still going out to dinner?” And Chan’s expression softened into that same pitiful look Minho had given him earlier. 

“I don’t think we can anymore. We can order takeout from wherever you want! It’s just Felix is really exhausted and he probably should stay inside today. Sorry baby.” 

Changbin could only hear blood rushing through his ears and tears started to form in his eyes. 

“Okay.” His voice cracked, and he quickly shot up off the couch and towards the kitchen. Pretending to busy himself with getting water. He ignored the look Chan was giving him from the couch and simply ran upstairs to go cry in his room instead.

He’s trying to be understanding. He needs to be understanding. His parents do so much for them all, Changbin is being selfish right now. He needs to be understanding of the situation right now.

They end up getting takeout from a Chinese place he somewhat likes, and Changbin can barely focus the whole dinner, pushing his food around on his plate without really eating it. They light a candle on a chocolate chip muffin, his parents profusely apologizing for not being able to go out to get a cake and thanking him again when he said it was okay. 

He blows it out and acts as happy as he can when he gets an electric guitar he’s been wanting forever. He’s happy, he really is. He just wished that maybe they all spent a little more time with him today. It felt like he was a background character in his own life, and that everyone else in the family was more important. 

They never ended up going to his restaurant after Jisung had a panic attack right before they were meant to leave.

They never end up going to the mall either.

It’s okay. He can be understanding.

——————

School has started now, and Changbin fell right back into his repeating life of little to no friends and being the quiet smart kid in his class. So what if some of the band kids teased him? And it doesn’t matter if the kids that he knows from theater ostracize him sometimes, it’s whatever. He doesn’t mind. 

His parents can’t know, they have enough on their plates. Changbin doesn’t think he’s ever asked for any help on his homework since he was little, or even asked for them to help him go over review cards in studying. He knows how hard they work for their family, for his siblings, and he can’t disrupt that. 

So he powers through all his classes, getting all A’s and being a top student, even if it felt like it was never enough in comparison to Seungmin it was okay. He was still trying his best and wasn’t causing any problems that his parents would have to deal with, so it’s okay. 

He walks home after school everyday he doesn't have band. Theater hasn’t started yet so he doesn’t have to worry about it. Luckily, he has his drivers permit so in a few months he’s going to be able to get his license. It’s not that he hates walking, it's just that he wishes his parents could pick him up like they do for the rest of his siblings. But it’s not their fault it doesn’t coincide with their work or life schedules. Their house wasn’t terribly far either, so it’s okay. 

He had just gotten his report card for the first marking period back today and he was excited to show his parents the results of his grades. They’d be proud of him for all the effort he put in, right? 

Pushing open the door he was greeted by his dad sitting on the couch with his brothers doing various other activities. 

“Dad!” He ran up, clutching his report card in his hands. “Look!” 

He proudly held it up, showing the line of A’s on the paper.

“I’m so proud of you Binnie! You did such a good job as always.” Minho brought him into a hug. Changbin smiled as he did, but was saddened by the fact that after the hug there was no more reaction after. He doesn’t know what he wanted, he’s probably just being selfish right now. His dad congratulated him and that’s what his dad is obligated to do, why is he complaining?

It was at that moment the door opened, showing Chan and Hyunjin stepping in. Hyunjin had just finished art club which usually coincided with when Chan got out of work.

“Dad! Dad! Look!” Hyunjin ran as he waved the same report card paper in Minho’s face, showing a string of B ’s. While Hyunjin was a very smart boy, he did struggle a bit academically causing his grades to usually fall in the low B-high C range.

“Jinnie! You did amazing. I’m so proud of you! Why don’t we have what you want for dinner, yeah?” Minho cheered happily, hugging Hyunjin.

Changbin watched from the side with an inkling of jealousy rising. Why was Hyunjin getting dinner with worse grades? 

He quickly shook his head, pushing the thought out of his head. Hyunjin struggles usually, he mentally scolds himself. Why are you being so jealous? Hyunjin needs this reassurance, not you. 

They ended up having Hyunjin’s choice of bibimbap, which Changbin wasn’t about to complain about. 

It’s okay, Hyunjin needed this.

It only continued when for every band performance he had something came up to where his family wasn’t able to show. They came sometimes but it just…didn’t feel good when they were showing up to every Seungmin baseball game or Hyunjin art show. But then he has to force himself to remember that usually his band performances are on weekdays, where both of his parents work, making it harder for them to come. Seungmin’s and Hyunjin’s activities usually landed on a weekend, making it easier.

It still didn’t help that building resentment within him though, but he just continued to push it down. 

It all really started to go to shit after Changbin got his license. He was so happy when he finally got it. Not having to worry about walking home from school anymore, being able to freely leave the house when he wanted, it would be awesome.

Or so he thought.

The second he got his license it was a flurry of his parents asking him if he could take Felix to this place and Jisung to that place and oh we can’t take Seungmin to baseball practice today, can you? Even though when he tried to explain he couldn’t because of band they wouldn’t listen and would still make him.

It ended up getting him even in trouble with the band teacher, who scolded him for not showing up to as many practices as he used to, completely ignoring the fact that Changbin was still probably one of the best people in the band. All he could do was stand there and take the harsh words, bowing and apologizing. 

At least his parents were paying for the gas money, which was something. But he still felt angry whenever they would ask him to take his brothers somewhere, completely ignoring the fact that Changbin was doing his homework or working on something.

But Changbin couldn’t be mad, they did a lot for this family, the least he could do was help out his parents right?

It was okay, he could be understanding. 

——————

And then it all shattered. Changbin had gotten one of the leads in his school musical, after years of trying his hardest at it since middle school through high school. They were doing one of his favorites too, The Wizard of Oz. He was playing the Scarecrow.

Honestly he hadn’t been expecting to get anything bigger than a small role or ensemble, so when he got to see the cast list and saw his name up at the top as one of the main roles, his eyes shined like they never had before. 

He had run home that day, excitedly opening the door. His parents were both home today, as Chan had a rare day off work and Minho usually is finished working by this point. Unlike usual days they didn’t have a bunch of stuff they had to finish, so they were there when he slammed open the door, nearly jumping up and down in joy.

“Dad! Appa! Guess what!” He ran up to both of them, who were sitting at the table doing various paperwork. 

“What’s up baby?” Minho asked, grinning at his oldests excitement. 

“I got one of the leads in the school musical!” He cheered. His parents shot up, immediately coming to wrap him in a hug.

“I’m so proud of you baby!” Chan cheered, tightening his arms causing Changbin to laugh as he was lifted off the floor. 

“We should get dinner tonight to celebrate, where do you wanna go?” Minho said with a large grin as he also came to hug Changbin.

“Really?” He smiled. It’s been a while since they’ve gotten dinner where he’s wanted to. After the failed birthday fiasco and life getting busier for them all it just…never happened. 

“Of course baby. It’s a big deal. Your father and I are so proud of you.” Chan said lovingly, before snatching him back from Minho and ruffling his hair.

“Appa! Stop!” Changbin laughed as he tried to push away, faking desperation. 

This is what he missed. The times when his parents were constantly stressing over one of his brothers needs, the times when it was just him and them. And he feels awful about it but sometimes he just wishes it could be like this all the time. 

“Can we go to the restaurant I like? The one we were going to go to on my birthday?” He said with starry eyes.

“Of course baby.” Minho pushed a kiss into his forehead.

That’s how he ended up sitting around a table with his family that night, giggling as Han and Felix play-fight and as Seungmin jokingly pokes fun at Jeongin who pretends he isn’t enjoying it. Hyunjin is drawing on a napkin as he looks up and smiles at the antics every once in a while. Everything was so normal. Like a family that didn’t have a plethora of health issues, somewhere he fit in. And for once, it finally felt like his night. He knows it’s not his parents fault, but he’s just felt so alone for the past couple of months, and finally things seemed to be looking up, even if it’s just slightly. 

His brothers had all joyfully congratulated him when they heard the news of his big role, and his parents let him get lava cake for dessert from the menu to celebrate.

Changbin was happy. So incredibly happy. His brothers were all in good moods, his parents were smiling and not looking as stressed as they usually did, and everything felt right. 

“When is the musical? Do you have a date yet?” Chan asked as he took a sip of water, raising an eyebrow. 

“Yeah! It’s May 1st, so we have a couple months to prepare for it. I’m going to have a lot after school…is that okay?” He hesitantly says, remembering how his parents had been needing him constantly during band to abandon it and instead drive his brothers somewhere.

“Of course that’s okay baby, what days will you stay after school?” Changbin looks up with wide eyes at the easy acceptance, giving a genuine smile.

“Probably most days except Friday.” His appa nodded before wrapping his arm around Changbin’s shoulder pulling him in tightly.

“We’re really proud of you, you know that right? You’re doing a really good job and we’re so happy to see how far you’ve come. We’re really lucky to have you.” Chan pushed a kiss into his head. Changbin smiled up at his dad before nuzzling further into his shoulder and hugging him back. Screw anyone who says he’s too old for this, he’ll hug his parents if he wants to.

Things started to look up after that. His brothers seemed to be doing great, Felix hasn’t had a seizure in a while ever since starting new medication, Han and Seungmin’s anxiety seemed to be doing better, Jeongin was adorable as per usual, and Hyunjin was doing so well with his art. 

Not only that, but he had made friends. Real, actual friends. 

“Hey! Seo! What the fuck did you do to get the main character spot huh? Did you bribe the teacher?” A senior growled as they approached him, one of the ones who had gotten ensemble. 

“Wh—what? No, I swear I didn’t!” He hesitated as he stepped back. The senior pushed him in the shoulder causing Changbin to stumble backwards. 

“Yes you did! There’s no other way you could’ve gotten that spot. It was meant to go to one of us! Not someone like you.” The older scoffed as Changbin merely looked down to avoid eye contact.

“We’ll admit it already Seo. You had to have done something—“ 

“Hey!” The seniors interrogation was cut off by a voice he recognized. Yeonjun, his mind supplied. A boy from his grade who he had interacted with a few times. 

“Just because you’re untalented and can’t get the part doesn’t mean you have to take it out in him.” Yeonjun pushed between the two, blocking Changbin from the seniors line of sight.

The senior growled in response, his fists clenching looking ready to throw a punch right before—

“Is there a problem over here boys?” The teacher asked calmly, raising an eyebrow.

“No ma’am.” Both Yeonjun and the senior countered at the same time, putting on innocent faces. 

“Good. I hope we’ll keep it that way.” Before she stepped away with her heels clacking.

The senior furiously turned around, scoffing as he stormed off.

“You good man?” Yeonjun pressed.

“I’m okay, thank you.” He fumbled, bowing deeply. 

“It was no problem, he’s an asshole and is just jealous since he can’t sing all that well. I’ve seen you around before, Changbin, right?” Yeonjun inquired as he leaned against the wall, blowing a bubble with gum.

“Yeah…” He shuffled his feet nervously, this had been the longest he’d talked to someone at school in a long time. 

“Cool! I’m Yeonjun. Congrats on getting the scarecrow part by the way, that’s really cool. I’m playing the Tin-Man and that doofus over there is doing the wizard.” Yeonjun joked as he pointed over his shoulder at a boy with long black hair. Wooyoung, another junior along with him and Yeonjun. 

“Here! I’ll introduce you to him!” Yeonjun excitedly giggled as he grabbed into Changbin’s arm and pulled him over to where Wooyoung was chatting away with some freshmen.

“Yah! Wooyoung!” Yeonjun yelled, dragging Changbin behind him as he stumbled to keep up.

“Huh?” Wooyoung turned around confused.

“Changbin meet Wooyoung, Wooyoung meet Changbin!” Yeonjun supplied, placing Changbin in front of him.

“Uh..hi.” He faltered, unsure of what to do.

“Hey! You got the role of the scarecrow right? That’s awesome! Nice to meet you Changbin.” Wooyoung grinned as he stuck his hand out.

Changbin reached out and shook it back, a smile forming on his face.

“Nice to meet you too.” 

They had all grown really close after that, talking and goofing around during theater everyday, even going out to get dinner sometimes after rehearsal. It was fun. He hadn’t felt this in a really, really long time. 

The other theater kids became more accepting of him also, and for the first time he felt truly and wholly accepted everywhere in his life. At home and school. 

And then it was the day of his musical. After months of hard work, memorization, and grueling hours of afterschool labor, he could finally, finally show his family all of it paying off. He was really excited for them to come. Minho and him had sat down a week ago to make sure that the tickets were all set to go and that they had the correct amount (it was a more common occurrence than you may think for a big family to mistype the amount of people.)

He peeked out of the curtain again, looking to see if he could spot them. He saw seven empty seats in the audience but didn’t think much of it. People were still filing in and there was plenty of time before the show started.

“Is your family here yet Bin?” Yeonjun questioned as he pulled on his costume, struggling with the arms.

“No, not yet. But they should be here soon. It’s hard getting five preteens out of the house to go anywhere.” He shrugged. 

“You have five siblings?” Yeonjun gaped.

“Oh uh, yeah. Hyunjin, Han, Felix, Seungmin, and Jeongin.” He waved his hand back and forth playing it off.

“That’s awesome!” Wooyoung squealed from somewhere or other. “I’ve always wanted that many siblings.” 

“Yeah that’s so cool, and they’re all coming?” Changbin nodded in response to Yeonjun’s question.

“They should be here soon.” He smiled back, before focusing on getting his makeup done again.

He was shaking off his nerves. The lights had dimmed and the show had begun, the student playing Dorthey currently singing her heart out on stage.

His family promised they would show up. They would. They had no reason to miss it today. He breathed in deeply, exhaling slowly and letting the tension ease out of him.

His queue was coming up soon, and he was more ready than ever. 

He stepped out on stage with a wide grin, letting the lights shine on him as he beamed. The lights which were currently blinding him from seeing the audience and his family’s faces. 

The audience settled down as the next song began, Changbin getting ready to sing. The lights finally dimmed allowing him to scan the audience for his family.

He gazed over to the row they were meant to be sitting in, the seats they were meant to be sitting in. He was ready to sing his heart out in front of them and give them a wide smile after.

He locked eyes with the row.

He locked eyes with a string of seven empty seats. 

Suddenly, everything felt like it was wrong. Wrong wrong wrong.

The costume was too tight, the people in the audience were all staring at him, watching him as he fell apart right in front of him. The lights that started shining again as the other characters started singing were too bright. He couldn’t breathe.

He barely made it through the motions of the choreography and song, his body automatically doing it for him after all the practice despite how he was feeling right now. He felt like his head had been dunked in a bucket of ice cold water. 

Why were they not here? Why were all seven of his family members not here? He’d understand maybe one, two, even three if the kids were having a bad day but all of them? 

He was only able to breathe again when he stepped into the backstage, yanking off his microphone roughly as he tried to resist falling into a panic attack. 

They had promised.

All he wanted was this one thing. This very one thing from them, and they couldn’t even do that? 

He could feel himself begin to hyperventilate.

He did so much for his family. So much. And yet they couldn’t come to one thing that was important to him? Why was he always the one making the sacrifices? Why was he always the one getting left behind?

Why was he never going to be good enough for them?

All of the grades he’s gotten over the past years have been ignored. The fact that he has never once had an issue in school with anybody, has always done what they have asked him to, has always helped when they needed it.

And the one time, the one time, he wanted them to do something for him, they couldn’t. 

He grabbed his phone out of his bag, struggling to unlock it with trembling fingers.

A single text message.

Dad: Hey Binnie, we’re really sorry but we can’t make it to your play tonight. Appa got called into work and Hyunjin said he was feeling sick this afternoon so I have to stay with him. We really wanted to be there baby, we promise. We’ll make it up to you.

He ran into the bathroom, barely managing to get in and quickly glance to make sure no one else was there before letting a choked sob fall from his lips. 

He knew his queue to be on stage was again soon, but he couldn’t focus on that right now, he couldn’t focus on anything. All he could focus on was the pure, unbridled, anger that he has never acknowledged before.

There were so many emotions swirling through him right now, anger, sadness, guilt, jealousy. He could barely stop the tears from running down his face, not wanting to ruin the makeup that had taken some of the students a while.

But he was hurt. 

He hasn’t felt appreciated. He hasn’t felt loved. He hasn’t felt like he was even part of the family.

“Fuck!” He yelled, throwing his phone on the ground as he collapsed onto it, pressing his eyes into his hands.

His eyes were bloodshot with unshed tears, his face and ears as red as a beet. His hair was a mess and his microphone was dangling from where he had ripped a part of it out of his ear.

It wasn’t okay. He couldn’t be understanding.

He was always fucking understanding.

And what did that get him?

He dropped anything for his siblings no matter how he was feeling, he was always willing to go to their events and support them even if he wanted to do nothing more than curl up in his room and hide away from the rest of the world.

He couldn’t bring himself to care for the excuse his dad gave. Hyunjin definitely did not feel sick, he knows the boy well enough to know when he’s lying even without seeing him. He knows his father could say no to coming back into work. Chan was one of the higher up producers in the company he worked at, he had leverage.

They just didn’t want to come.

No matter what he does, he will never be worth it enough to them.

He will only ever be the child with no problems, with no health issues, the oldest child, the caregiver, the one who can drive his siblings places and watch them when needed. 

Did they actually count him as a son?

He pushed himself off of the ground hastily, going over to the sink to look at himself in the mirror.

He flinched when the door opened, quickly schooling his emotions like he has always done.

“Changbinnie! Are you okay? Your queue is soon.” Yeonjun burst in, walking up to him and placing a comforting hand on his shoulder.

Changbin quickly brushed at his eyes, hoping he looked semi-presentable.

“Yeah, I’m okay. Just had to go to the bathroom real quick and dropped my phone.” He falsely confessed as he stared down at his phone, now shattered on the floor. 

“You sure? Did something happen?” Yeonjun questioned, obviously noticing something wrong with Changbin. 

Changbin took a deep breath as he looked into the mirror one last time.

He would do this for himself, not for his family, not anyone, he worked hard for this.

“Yeah, I’ll be okay. Let’s head back out, yeah? We don’t wanna miss our queue.” He chuckled, wrapping his arm around Yeonjun’s shoulder and giving the boy a smile as the other patted him on the back.

“Okay, let’s do this!” Yeonjun cheered as they walked out, ready to go back on stage.

The rest of the show went great, really great. He hit all of his notes and the audience cheered as they all bowed at the end.

But he couldn’t get rid of that feeling nagging in the back of his mind.

He picked up his bags after changing out of his costume, waving bye to all his friends before starting the walk home. He didn’t even want to try to see if maybe, just maybe, Minho had come to pick him up, or maybe even Chan. Shoving his earbuds in, he turned up the volume all the way as he started blasting music.

Was he trying to drown out his emotions? Maybe. Was he trying to drown out the pain of rejection and abandonment? Also maybe. 

He was just so mad.

He kicked a rock angrily as he continued walking with his duffle bag around his shoulder, lengthening the walk as he shuffled slowly so that it would delay the inevitable.

Having to see his family.

The last thing he wanted to do right now.

It was just like when he was in and out of different foster homes, each one of them claiming he was too much and throwing him away, abandoning him. One of his previous homes had once literally just left him on the street one night after he spilled his drink at dinner, making him have to walk all the way to the police station (a 40 minute walk mind you) just to find someone who could help him. 

And maybe that’s why his family now, the ones who adopted him, who were meant to be forever, were leaving him. They finally realized he was too much. Too much effort, too much energy. Just like every, single, one, of his old foster homes had said. In hindsight he should’ve seen this coming. He really should have. 

But why would they wait so many years? How could they? They gave him hope, they made him think he had a family.

But when’s the last time it actually felt like a family? The last couple months, sure, ever since he announced his role in the play. But before that? How long before that did it feel like he was a side character next to all his siblings? That they were all the main stars and he was just the one meant to help when needed. 

After everything he has done, why was he still too much? Why was he still being thrown out like it was nothing? All he’s ever been trying to do is live up to their expectations, not give them any more problems, but nothing works. It never works.

He could barely stifle a scream when his phone died, causing the music to cut off abruptly and leave him in dead silence with nothing other than his thoughts. 

He was this close to giving up and just having a breakdown on the side of the street when he saw familiar lights up ahead, his house.

He sucked in a sharp breath, mustering up what little courage (or maybe dignity) he had left. 

Fishing for his keys he unlocked his front door, pushing it open creakily. 

“Changbin? Is that you?” His dad’s voice called out from the kitchen. He stiffened slightly, walking in as he tossed his duffle bag on the floor. He’ll pick it up later.

He stepped in through the open door, taking in the sight in front of him. Minho and Chan were setting out plates of dinner for everyone. Hyunjin looked fine. Completely and utterly fine. The boy was giggling with his younger brothers as they all chatted excitedly. Changbin wanted to scream, then cry, and then scream again. Chan was home now, not at work, which was sooo dire that he just had to miss Changbin’s musical. 

His fists clenched at his sides as he sat down, trying to keep his anger at bay. He didn’t want to fight his family right now. He didn’t even really want to talk to them at all. They obviously weren’t too fond of him either. 

He poked and prodded at his food a bit, watching his family converse around him, without him. He felt tears well up in his eyes, stabbing a piece of broccoli more harshly than he had to.

He snapped to attention when he heard his name across the table.

“Binnie, how was your show tonight? Did it go okay?” Chan asked with a smile. 

And that was the straw that broke the camel's back. Because if Chan really cared, he would’ve come. If Chan really wanted to know how he did, he would’ve told his work he couldn’t come back in again tonight, that he was busy. 

“You’d know if you’d shown up.” He muttered, pushing his food away from him with a glare, crossing his arms. 

“What was that Bin?” Minho had the guts to ask with a concerned voice. Changbin barely withstood a scoff bubbling from him.

“You would have known how it went if you came.” He jeered, finally bringing up his gaze to look at all of them.

His brothers were sitting staring back and forth between him and his parents, mouths gaping. 

“Watch your attitude Changbin. You need to understand why we couldn’t come, Chan—“ Minho began before being cut off harshly by Changbin banging his fists on the table and sliding his seat back roughly and standing up. 

“No! I’m sick and tired of being asked to be understanding!” He shouted, tears falling down his face. 

“Changbin—“ His appa began.

“Let me talk! All I’ve ever done for this family is be understanding. I drive all of the boys around, I take care of them when you guys can’t be home, I don’t care when you make me miss my birthday for them. I don’t care when you forget to take me out to a restaurant you promised me to because of something that happened.” His voice cracked as he furiously rubbed at his eyes. 

“Everything I do is for you guys! And I get nothing in return, ever! All I get is being treated like some..some toy that you can just disregard in favor of your other children. Something you can boss around when you want to and then throw into the corner and forget about it the next second and I’m tired. I’m so tired.” 

“I have to watch my attitude? I’ve been doing that for years! Ever since Jisung walked into this fucking house.” The boy flinched in response and Changbin felt guilty after saying it, it wasn’t exactly the boy's fault about what was happening right now, but his anger was too much, he couldn’t stop.

“I get good grades, I’ve never asked for help with anything, I never bother you. I clean up my room before you even ask, I help out with all the chores you can’t do because you’re too busy helping them. My entire life revolves around this family! Everything I’ve ever done is for you! And what do I get when I want something? When there is one thing in my life that I was excited for, something I finally wanted at least just one of my family members to show up for? Nothing.” He took a moment to look around at his family’s faces. Hyunjin was looking down with a guilty face. Jisung had watery eyes along with Felix. Seungmin and Jeongin were just staring at him like a fish out of water. And his parents, all he could see on his parents faces was pity. 

“I know that you could’ve said no to coming back into work! But no, instead you did! You did and you missed out on the one thing I need you at.” He waved his hand in the direction of Chan vaguely. 

“Or how you had to stay home with Hyunjin and the rest of the boys all the sudden because he felt “sick.” He said with air quotes, “this afternoon, when you know that one, he can take care of himself at home alone if need be, and two, that he’s lying! He lied that he was feeling bad because he didn’t want to leave the house and you all played into it!” Hyunjin looked away, his face telling the entire story. Changbin wasn’t wrong, Hyunjin had lied to get out of leaving the house so that he could stay and play video games or something. The rest of his siblings had hunched shoulders too. 

“Why is nothing I do important to you guys? Why are all of their events something that needs to be praised to the high heavens but the second it comes down to me, it suddenly is insignificant and something you can skip.” He laminated each sentence with a pause. 

“Why am I never enough for you?” He quieted down, choking on his tears. 

He couldn’t be here anymore, he didn’t want to be here anymore. He didn’t want to look at all of their faces, the regret, the guilt. He needed to leave. He wants to leave. 

He hastily turns around, running towards the door as he whips it open, ignoring the frantic calls of his name behind him. 

He kept running until he couldn’t anymore, breathing heavily in and out as he put his hands on his knees. He looked around with blurry eyes.

The park, a part of his brain supplied. He was at the park. One of the first places his parents had taken him when they officially adopted him. 

“Appa! Dad! Can we go to the park now? Please please please!” They had just walked out of the courthouse, adoption papers officially signed. His parents were wearing large grins and holding hands with him on each side. 

“Of course we can baby, we can go get ice cream too!” His dad ruffled his hair lovingly.

“Ice cream! Ice cream!” He cheered as he pulled away from them, beginning to run in front. 

“Hurry!” His parents laughed as they ran after him, ignoring how their tidy suits were getting ruffled or how their hair was getting messy. 

He ended up happily being pushed on the swing back and forth, a strawberry cone in his hand as he told his dads all about what they were going to do as an official family now. Just him and them. 

He made his way over to the creaking swing seat, the seats rocking back and forth in the gentle wind. He slowly sat down on it, pushing himself off softly with his feet. 

And he broke.

Sobs wracked through his entire body as he gripped onto the chains of the swing with all of his power. His breath shallow. 

When has everything gone so wrong?

Was it when Jisung came into the family? Or was it Changbin’s fault for not being good enough, not living up to their expectations. 

 Maybe he was never meant to find a forever family. He was always just meant to be in the background, forgotten and lost. He wasn’t interesting, he wasn’t all that good at anything, he could just muster up decent enough grades and could sing a little. 

He let the spring breeze flow through his hair as he continued to bawl his eyes out into the vast darkness of the park around him. 

He didn’t want to be abandoned anymore. He thought he wouldn’t have to deal with this again after being adopted. 

He tried pulling his phone out to distract himself but threw it on the ground when he remembered it was dead. 

He doesn’t know how long he’s been sitting out here. He was beginning to shiver from the night chills and was regretting not grabbing one of his jackets before running away from his family. The tears had finally dried up and it felt like he had no more to even be able to cry. 

He jumped when he heard rustling in the background with flashlights, voices coming up from the sidewalk. He tried to hunch in on himself, hiding out of view and hoping that whoever it was would just pass by. 

He heard a gasp as the flashlight was turned harshly towards him, burning his eyes. He blinked to try to get the sting out, and when he reopened them he saw the two figures previously on the sidewalk quickly approaching him.

“Changbinnie!” Minho yelled, running up to where he was still sitting on the swing and bringing him into a bone crushing hug, followed by Chan. 

Despite how much he wanted to stiffen and pull away, he relaxed into the warmth of his father. 

“Changbinnie, my baby, we are so sorry. We’re so sorry baby.” Minho cried out softly as he ran his hands through Changbin’s hair softly. Chan was now rubbing Minho’s back, also looking on the verge of tears. 

Changbin could only stay silent, looking between both his parents' faces with a sad gleam in his eyes. He loves them. He does. He loves them so incredibly much. But what they did hurt.

“We—we didn’t mean to make you feel that way we swear. We love you so much Binnie, more than anything in the world.” His dad choked out, more tears flowing down his face. Changbin felt the tears he thought were completely gone start to roll down his cheeks too as he buried his face into his dads shoulder.

“Bin, you mean everything to us. We never meant to make you feel the way you did. We took you for granted and we are so, so sorry. We should’ve never done that. You are so much more. We should’ve not put so much pressure on you all the time to take care of your brothers. And we definitely should not have put your events on the back burner for theirs. We won’t do that ever again, we swear on it.” Chan cracked as he latched onto Changbin tighter.

“We were in the wrong baby, so you don’t have to forgive us for now, or ever if that’s what you want.” Minho said as he lifted up his head, brushing a few tears off Changbin's face. 

“We took advantage of your kindness Bin, and that’s something we never should’ve done.” Chan continued. 

“I’m…I’m good enough?” He whimpered in response.

He could almost hear his parents hearts breaking. 

“You’re more than enough Binnie. You are amazing in every way possible. You’re talented, you’re incredibly smart, you’re hard working and kind. You are everything that anybody would aspire to be. Your brothers really look up to you yknow? Felix says he wants to be like you when he grows up, and Seungmin said you are what inspires him to work even harder. You’re the root of our family Binnie. You mean the world and more to us. You will always be enough.” Chan soothed.

He started sobbing again, finally wrapping his arms tightly around his dad.

“It’s—it’s not okay what you did. But, I love you guys so much. And I really want to continue,” He hiccuped. “being a family. If that’s okay with you.” 

“It wouldn’t be our family without you. We love you too. More than anything.” His dad whispered, holding him closely. 

“Do you want to go home? It’s cold out here and you’re shivering.” His appa took off his jacket, wrapping it around Changbin’s shoulders. All he could do was nod.

Changbin’s eyes widened as his dad lifted him up, putting him on his back to carry him. Usually Changbin would reject this action, feigning maturity, but he couldn’t refute it right now.

“What time is it?” He questioned halfway through their walk home.

“10:00, we couldn’t find you for about 3 hours. We were really worried about you Binnie. We’re glad you're okay but try not to give us a scare like that again? Even if it was deserved.” His appa chuckled.

Changbin hastily nodded before letting his head fall back onto his dads shoulder, watching as they approached the, their, house more and more. 

Chan pushed open the door, welcoming the sight of all of his brothers standing concerned in the doorway and staring directly at him. 

“Give him some space guys, we need to get him warmed up. He was outside for a long time.” His dad warned, causing the rest of them to hurriedly shuffle out of the way.

“Is he okay?” He heard one of his brothers ask his dad and other muffled words as his appa took him over to the couch, lying him down and putting a blanket over him gently. 

“I’m going to go get you some tea okay?” Minho prepared to get up but was stopped by Changbin latching onto his arm and shaking his head. He didn’t want to be left behind, the feeling of abandonment still creeping into his senses. 

“Okay baby I won’t leave, I’ll never leave you I promise.” Minho pushed a kiss into his head, somehow sensing how he was feeling. 

“Chan! Can you go grab Changbin tea?” His dad called out, receiving an affirmative grunt from his appa. 

“Do you wanna see the boys or do you want to wait a bit?” Changbin hesitated for a moment before nodding that they could come in.

“Boys! You can come in here now.” Which was followed by a stampede of footsteps and a crowd of his brothers. 

Hyunjin didn’t even hesitate before launching himself into Changbin’s arms, trusting the older man to catch him. Changbin let out a small omph before wrapping his arms back around the younger boy. 

“I’m sorry! It sucked of me to fake sick to get out of going to your musical! I shouldn’t have done it and it was selfish of me. Please don’t hate me.” The younger boy cried.

Changbin took a moment to compose himself. “Of course I don’t hate you Jinnie. I could never. I’m not going to say what you did was okay, because it wasn’t. But you’re young, you are going to make mistakes like this.” Changbin tightened his arms around Hyunjin, letting the boy cry for a moment.

“Yah! Hyunjin! It’s my turn!” Jisung yelled as he pulled a yelping Hyunjin out of Changbin’s arms, replacing them with himself instead.

“Hey Sungie.” Changbin said softly.

“Binnie, I was scared. Please don’t do that again.” Jisung exclaimed as he looked into Changbin’s eyes.

“I won’t Sungie, I promise.” He kissed the boy on the top of the head. “I’m really sorry for what I said earlier, yeah?” Changbin remembered taking his misplaced anger at his parents onto the younger boy. “I shouldn’t have blamed you like that, it’s not your fault.” 

“It’s okay, I wasn’t mad. I’m sorry too, for how mean I’ve been to you sometimes when I’m in a mood. You’re the best big brother ever, you know that?” Jisung had a watery smile, and Changbin could barely withstand his own.

Felix was next, hopping up into his lap and latching onto him like an octopus, not uncommon for the younger. 

“I love you so much hyung. I’m sorry for what I said on your birthday, I never apologized for that. I swear I’ll do anything to make it up to you! I’ll do the dishes for a month—oh or I’ll clean your room for a month!” Changbin giggled as he held Felix tighter.

“You don’t have to do any of that, but thank you for the apology. Maybe I’ll make you let me actually play video games with you next time you’re using the Xbox though.” Felix nodded quickly. 

Seungmin hugged him next momentarily before pulling away. 

“I love you Binnie, please never leave.” Seungmin had whispered for that split second. Changbin gave him a smile in return, knowing the boy wasn’t one for a ton of physical affection.

“I love you too Minnie. I won’t.” He reassured.

“I’ll make sure you have the best spot at all my baseball games! As long as you give me the best spot at all your musicals. Promise?” Seungmin determinedly said, holding out his pinkie.

“Okay, I promise.” He wrapped his pinkie around Seungmin’s, shaking it. 

The boy stepped away for Jeongin to come up, the youngest slowly shuffling forward. He slowly wrapped his arms around Changbin. 

Changbin hugged him back with strong arms before the younger pulled his head back slightly. 

Changbin watched as his younger brother's mouth moved up and down a couple times, looking like he was trying to say something. His eyes widened slightly, waiting patiently for the boy. None of them had ever heard Jeongin talk, and obviously if they boy ended up using sign language instead he wouldn’t be upset, but he didn’t want to stop Jeongin if he was going to try. 

“I—“ Jeongin croaked, his voice a bit harsh from disuse. The younger boy gulped, obviously in a little pain at the action. Everyone around them was stunned, including Chan who had just walked back in with the tea. 

The younger boy let out a wet cough before continuing.

“I love you.” The youngest was able to force out before being brought into a bone crushing hug by Changbin. Screw the tears Changbin was trying to hold back, they were definitely flowing now. 

“I love you too Innie.” A smile grew on his face, tears of happiness continuing to speed down his face in waterfalls. The rest of the family watched with their own watery eyes. 

It would take a long time for things to be perfect again, and it would take a long time for him to be able to fully forgive his parents for everything that happened.

But as they sat around the TV with Changbin’s favorite movie playing in the background as he was wrapped around under his appa’s arm with Innie cuddled up next to him, he knew things would turn out okay in the end.

And for the first time in a long time, he felt like he had the control over his life.