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Remus POV

Remus gradually opened his eyes, feeling worse than he ever thought possible. His body was not just aching; it felt as if it were engulfed in flames. Waves of pain coursed through his bones, each spasm a reminder of his torment. His nerves were firing off like a faulty circuit, and while the moon's pull was always intense, this time it felt different—more brutal. It was as if he had gone toe-to-toe with a brick wall, and the wall had emerged victorious. His gaze remained unfocused as he struggled to piece together the events of the previous night.

A fleeting image of a boy flickered in his mind, accompanied by the metallic taste of blood and the haunting echoes of screams. Surely, it had to be a nightmare, right? No one could breach the shack except for the other Marauders, and they would never take such a risk; they were smarter than that.

“Moony,” Peter's voice broke through from Remus's left. He attempted to turn his head, but his neck protested with a painful creak, sending fresh waves of agony through him. A groan escaped his lips, his voice raspy and his mouth dry.

“Moony.” James sighed with relief, his voice a comforting balm. “You’re awake! How are you feeling? Where does it hurt? Do you want some water? Where’s Madam Pomfrey? Peter, go get Pomfrey and tell her Remus is awake. Wait, Moony, don’t move! Madam Pomfrey will be here soon. What do you need? I’ll get it,” James babbled, concern etched across his face.

“J- Ja—” Remus attempted to speak, but his throat felt as if he had swallowed shards of glass, his lips cracking around each sound he tried to make.

“Shhh, mate, don’t talk,” James urged, stepping into Remus's line of sight.

James looked worn out, dark circles under his eyes and his hair more dishevelled than usual, but the moment he saw Remus, his face broke into a wide grin. “Alright, mate.”

“Wha—” Remus tried again, but James shushed him once more.

“It’s okay. Once Pomfrey checked ya over, we’ll talk, alright?”

At the sound of her name, the healer rushed into the room. “Oh, my sweet boy,” she sighed, her voice filled with warmth.

She had always held a sweet spot for him, ensuring he had the coziest bed by the fireplace, complete with soft pillows and warm blankets. She often let his friends linger a bit longer after a rough night, and on quiet evenings, she would read to him when others weren’t around to share the stories.

“I’m going to cast a few spells now to assess the damage, so we can prepare some potions and healing spells. Is that alright?” she asked softly.

Remus attempted to reply, but all that escaped his lips was a dry, raspy croak. He tried to clear his throat, but it only made things worse.

“It’s alright; don’t try to speak until I’ve assessed everything,” she reassured him.

With that, she drew her wand, hovering it over his body, murmuring incantations under her breath while shaking her head in concern. When she finished, her eyes softened with a sadness that reminded him of the look his mother had given him the night he was bitten.

“Remus, there’s quite a bit of damage, but nothing I can’t mend. We’ll keep you here for the rest of the day and possibly the night, but you should be able to return to your own room by morning.”

She then cast a few spells that eased his pain enough for him to sit up. As he did, she began handing him various potion bottles, which he gulped down without bothering to read the labels.

“How do you feel?” she asked kindly once he had drained the last vial and downed at least four goblets of water.

“Like shit” Remus replied, finally able to use his voice. Madam Pomfrey had never scolded him for swearing, believing that the pain he endured each month warranted a few choice words.

Pomfrey gave a knowing nod. "That’s only to be expected, my dear. You had quite the eventful night. I’ll swing by shortly to see how you’re doing and arrange for some breakfast to be brought up." With that, she hurried off to attend to her other patients.

"What happened, and where's Sirius?" Remus inquired, his gaze shifting between James and Peter. They exchanged a glance filled with unspoken guilt before turning back to him. The image of the boy from the previous night flickered in his mind, clearer now—a flash of black hair darting across his thoughts. Sirius!

"Peter?" Remus pressed, urgency creeping into his voice. Peter averted his gaze, refusing to meet his eyes.

"James," Remus turned to him, but James only frowned and shook his head in response.

He had been so certain they would never venture down the tunnel during a full moon. The taste of blood and the echo of a scream assaulted his senses once more.

"What the hell happened last night?" Remus yelled at his friends. "Where's Sirius? Someone tell me!"

"I'm sorry, Moony," a voice from the bed beside him whispered. Remus didn't need to look to know who it was, but he turned anyway, only to find a curtain separating them.

"Sirius," he called out, a fleeting wave of relief washing over him, but it quickly faded as dread set in. Why was there a curtain between them? Why was Sirius in the hospital bed and not here with him? Why did he sound so distraught? What was he apologizing for?

"I'm so sorry," Sirius cried out, his voice trembling, the hitch in his breath unmistakable.

Sirius was engulfed in a panic attack, a familiar sound that echoed in Remus mind. Outwardly, he projected an image of confidence and sophistication, exuding an air of nobility wherever he roamed. Yet, within the sanctuary of the Marauders' dormitory, he let his guard down, often succumbing to loud, gasping sobs, rapid breaths, and a flurry of apologies. Remus felt a sharp tug at his heart; he had to reach Sirius, to offer his support. Why was no one stepping in to help? James and Peter had witnessed enough of these episodes to recognize the signs—why were they just sitting there?

Determined, Remus shifted in bed, intent on getting up. If no one else would assist Sirius, he would take action. As he swung his legs over the side, a firm hand gripped his shoulder, drawing his gaze to James's concerned face. The sadness etched on James's features was palpable as he shook his head.

“James, he’s in distress! We have to do something,” Remus pleaded, struggling against James's hold. “What’s wrong with you?”

“Moony, just wait,” James urged, but Remus had reached his limit. Summoning every ounce of strength left in him from the moon's influence, he broke free from James's grasp, stood tall, and pushed the curtain aside.

Sirius sat in the centre of the bed, knees drawn to his chest, fingers tangled in his hair, tugging at the roots. Without hesitation, Remus lunged forward, placing a hand over each of Sirius's.

“Hey, Sirius, let go,” he said softly. At the sound of Remus's voice and the warmth of his touch, Sirius's head snapped up, panic etched across his face.

Remus mirrored that fear, recoiling as he took in the sight of Sirius's split lip, bruised eye, and what looked like a freshly broken nose that had now been healed.

“Did... Did I...?” Remus stammered, his heart racing.

Sirius looked back at him, confusion swirling in his eyes, but Remus could still sense the underlying fear—fear of him. Had Sirius finally recognized him as the monster he feared to be?

“Last night, the boy with black hair,” Remus blurted out, panic rising in his chest. “I saw someone in the tunnel last night.” He glanced between his three friends, desperation in his voice. “Sirius, did I do that?”

Remus had long been haunted by nightmares since he forged friendships with the Marauders. He often dreamt of a day when he might hurt them, inflicting pain upon those he cared for. Yet, each time he awoke to the gentle touch of a friend, they would reassure him that such a thing could never happen. But now, reality was stark and cruel. Sirius lay injured in the hospital wing; though he had escaped with only a few bruises and scrapes this time, what would happen next time if luck turned its back? Remus cursed himself for not being wiser, for not keeping his distance from these boys. He was all too aware of the dangers that came with getting close. Why hadn’t he listened to his father’s warnings and chosen solitude instead?

His thoughts were abruptly interrupted by a hand resting on his back, a grounding presence. “Moony, you didn’t do that to him; I did,” came James voice.

Remus jerked his head up, disbelief etched on his face. “You? No, James. I hurt him; Sirius was in the tunnel.”

“Moony,” Peter interjected softly, stepping in front of him. “Sirius wasn’t in the tunnel last night. You didn’t hurt him. James punched him in the face; it wasn’t you.”

“Then there was no one in the tunnel?” Remus asked, struggling to piece together the fragments of his muddled thoughts.

“Well…” Peter hesitated, guilt washing over his features once more. “There was someone in the tunnel, but it wasn’t Sirius.”

Remus shook his head in confusion. If it wasn’t Sirius, then who could it be? The hair he recalled was too dark to belong to Peter and too long to be James. No one else knew how to access that secret passage.

“Who was it?” Remus demanded, his voice rising in urgency, causing Peter to flinch at the sudden intensity.

“Snape.” Sirius rose from his bed, wiping tears from his cheeks.

“Snivellus?” Remus echoed, incredulous. “But how? He doesn’t know how to get into the tunnel.”

“I told him,” Sirius replied, his tone firm, though Remus could detect the undercurrents of guilt and sorrow in his voice.

“No, no that, no” Remus repeated, shaking his head vigorously as he fell back onto his bed. The vision in his mind sharpened: the long, straight black hair, the sweeping cloak, the beady black eyes. “No, you wouldn’t have, no.”

Sirius took a step forward, but James and Peter blocked his way, prompting him to raise his hand and retreat.

“I’m sorry, Remus. I had a fight with Snape and told him where to find you,” Sirius admitted, his voice heavy with regret.

“No,” Remus insisted, trying to argue as if sheer repetition could change reality. Memories of blood and screams flooded back to him. “Did I… are they going to… am I…”

“No, Moony.” James settled beside him on the bed. “I got there before anything happened. Snape saw you scream and faint; I managed to shut the door and pull him out in time.”

“I didn’t hurt him,” Remus stated firmly.

“No, Moony, you didn’t hurt him.”

“But he knows about me.”

James nodded, acknowledging the truth.

“Because you told him?” Remus asked, turning his gaze to Sirius.

“Yes, I told him,” Sirius replied, unable to meet Remus’s eyes.

“So you punched him in the face?” Remus pressed, looking back at James.

“Yeah,” James sighed, attempting to project pride in his actions, but Remus could see the guilt gnawing at him.

“Now Snape knows what I am.”

“Mo…” Sirius started, but Remus’s head throbbed too much for him to process.

“No” Remus snarled, the final pull of the moon igniting a fire within him. "No! I don’t want to listen to this, Fuck Sirius! Just be shut up and leave me alone, alright?"

----

Sirius POV 

“No!” Remus growled, a fierce intensity in his eyes that Sirius had never witnessed before. The pain radiating from him was palpable. "No! I don’t want to listen to this, Fuck Sirius! Just be shut up and leave me alone, alright?"

Sirius stumbled back, colliding with the bed behind him, his gaze darting to James, who was enveloping a trembling Remus in a protective embrace James looked at Sirius for a moment before turning away. Peter stood nearby, his eyes flitting between the two, the ever-optimistic friend who longed for harmony and laughter among them. Now, he found himself caught in the midst of the most devastating rift the Marauders had ever faced. Their eyes met for a fleeting moment, and Sirius could see the concern etched in Peter’s tear-filled blue gaze. He silently pleaded for understanding, but Peter averted his eyes, disappointment shadowing his features. 

Sirius nodded to himself, feeling the weight of the moment even though no one was watching. He cast one last glance at his friends before turning away, leaving the hospital wing without a care for Madam Pomfrey’s insistence on one final concussion check. 

As he stepped out, ready to head back to the dormitory, Professor McGonagall intercepted him. She peered at him over her glasses, perched precariously on the tip of her nose. Despite being the same height as her now, her presence made him feel small under her scrutinizing gaze. 

“Master Black,” she said, her voice icy and sharp, a tone he hadn’t heard in ages. Even during their wild escapades, she had always held a soft spot for him and James, but that warmth seemed to have vanished. “Headmaster Dumbledore has requested to speak with you.” 

She said nothing more and walked into the hospital wing, likely to check on Remus. Sirius, feeling a bit dazed, nodded to himself even though no one was there to witness it, then headed toward the headmaster's office. As he walked, a strange numbness enveloped his mind, a sensation he had never experienced before. Usually, when overwhelmed, anxious, or vulnerable, his thoughts would bombard him with harsh commentary, but today, his mind was eerily silent.

When he reached the steps leading to the headmaster's office, he cursed himself for not having the password from McGonagall. However, before he could dwell on it too long, the steps began to move upward, and he quickly hopped on, eager not to miss his opportunity. As he approached the door to knock, it swung open unexpectedly. Dumbledore sat behind his desk, peering over his half-moon glasses at Sirius.

“Ah, Master Black, thank you for coming. Please, have a seat,” the older man said, gesturing to the chair in front of him. With his mind still blank, Sirius complied without hesitation. Once seated, the headmaster continued, “I believe you both understand why I have summoned you here?”

Sirius nodded, but then he realized—both? He turned to see Snape sitting beside him, his head bowed and hands neatly folded in his lap. Snape's voice was barely audible as he replied, “Yes, Sir.”

“Excellent. Normally, a situation like this would be handled externally due to Master Lupin's condition. However, I have decided that, since there is no immediate danger to you, Master Snape, I will address this matter internally. Master Lupin has endured enough,” Dumbledore said, rising from his chair to gaze out the window before turning his attention back to his students.

“Prior to your arrival, Master Black, both Master Snap and I reached a tentative agreement that he would keep the details of what he discovered at the end of the tunnel to himself. Master Snap has pledged to remain silent about the events of last night.”

Sirius glanced at Snap, who avoided his gaze. Doubt gnawed at Sirius; Snap was not known for his discretion regarding the Marauders' secrets.

The headmaster's voice pulled Sirius back to the moment. “I understand your scepticism, Master Black. However, as your headmaster, I assure you that Master Snap will not disclose anything about last night to anyone. While I do not expect you to trust him, I ask that you place your trust in me.”

Sirius nodded, and the headmaster returned the gesture before addressing Severus. “Thank you for joining us. You may return to your weekend, Master Snap.”

Dumbledore turned back to Sirius once Snap has left the office. “Now, Master Black, I considered informing your parents about last night’s events, but I believe that would not be a wise decision, do you?”

Sirius understood the implication. He knew he deserved punishment for his actions, but his parents learning he had exposed a werewolf would likely lead to celebrations. He shook his head in refusal. “Very well, then I will handle this myself. You will serve detention with either Professor McGonagall or Filch every Monday and Friday for the rest of the year. You will not be permitted to attend Hogsmeade weekends, and I am removing you from the Quidditch team. Your broom will be confiscated until the end of the year.”

Sirius nodded once more at the headmaster, his expression a mix of guilt and apprehension. “Sirius,” Dumbledore began, his voice shedding the authoritative tone of a headmaster, “I realize this is difficult for you, but you must grasp the seriousness of your actions last night. You didn’t just reveal your friend’s secret to someone known for his narrow-minded views; you put two lives in jeopardy. If James hadn’t arrived in time, we could be having a very different conversation right now. Remus might not be lying in a hospital bed; he could be locked away in Azkaban, or worse. Do you comprehend how reckless this prank was?”

Sirius was aware that sending Snape down the tunnel was a dangerous move, yet he had never allowed himself to contemplate the potential consequences if Snape had reached Remus. What if Remus had harmed Snape? To Sirius, Remus was simply their lanky, bookish friend, often found buried in novels, sporting an overabundance of knitted jumpers, and harbouring a troubling addiction to chocolate. But the world viewed Remus differently. They saw him as a Class Five X-rated beast, a monster, a threat to society. If Remus had killed Snape last night, the Ministry would have executed him.

Sirius lifted his gaze from his lap, where he had been lost in thought during Dumbledore’s lecture, allowing the weight of the words to settle in. He opened his mouth to respond, but Remus’s warning to “Shut up” echoed in his mind. With a nod, he acknowledged Dumbledore, who simply hummed in response before dismissing him.

Sirius trudged back to his dorm room, eager to collapse onto his bed, draw the curtains, and finally let the tears that had been simmering in his eyes spill over. He was acutely aware that Remus would still be in the hospital wing, likely with Madam Pomfrey allowing James and Peter to stay by his side for a while meaning he would be alone and not run the risk of seeing anyone. As he made his way back, a Hufflepuff girl from the year above suddenly blocked his path.

“Hey, Sirius!” she called, skipping toward him. Her eyes widened in shock as she got closer. “What happened to your face?” she exclaimed. Sirius, too drained to engage, shot her a withering glare, attempting to sidestep her, but she simply stepped in his way. “I didn’t mean it like that! You’re still handsome; it just gives you a punk vibe, all rough and ready for a fight.”

Sirius rolled his eyes, trying once more to push past her, but she just smiled and blocked his path again. Internally, he groaned. “I actually wanted to ask you something.” Her hopeful expression made him wish she would just get to the point. “Right, yeah. I was wondering if you’d like to join me and Holly for a trip to Hogsmeade this weekend. You could bring Potter or Lupin along to keep Holly company while we explore a bit.”

Sirius rolled his eyes again, a gesture he never knew he could master until he met Remus. He chuckled inwardly, recalling how Remus had a knack for rolling his eyes in any situation, conveying a world of meaning with just a simple huff and a flick of his honey-brown gaze. The girl made a small coughing sound, snapping Sirius back to reality. She was looking at him expectantly, but he couldn’t quite remember her question and, honestly, didn’t care much. He simply shook his head and stepped around her, leaving her gaping like a fish out of water, and continued on his way to Gryffindor Tower, relieved to reach it without any further interruptions.

As he stepped into the common room, fortune seemed to abandon him. Lily and Marlene stood there, their eyes widening in shock before turning into piercing glares. It was clear that the news of his actions had spread, leaving a trail of disappointment in its wake. Sirius lowered his gaze, trudging toward the stairs, his only desire to escape to the solace of his bed.

Once inside his room, he kicked off his shoes and collapsed onto the bed with a heavy sigh. His mind, now fully awake, replayed the haunting images of Remus's hurt expression, Peter's look of disapproval, and James's refusal to meet his gaze. The echo of Remus's words rang in his ears, "Shut up and leave me alone."

With trembling hands, Sirius pulled out his wand, drawing the curtains around his bed and sealing them with a sticking charm, casting a silence charm to cocoon himself in solitude. In the dimness, he allowed the tears to flow, starting slowly as he stared into the darkness. Silent tears traced down his cheeks as he reflected on the pain he had inflicted. He had always believed he was different from his family, yet now he questioned that conviction. The Blacks wielded their power without regard for the damage they caused, and in that moment, he realized he had mirrored their actions. In a desperate bid to regain control during his argument with Snivellus, he had used Remus, not considering the fallout. At that moment, he thought only of the pain he could inflict on Snivellus, oblivious to the hurt he was causing his best friend, Remus.

James was like a brother to Sirius in every way except for blood, while Remus stood as his closest friend. James filled a part of Sirius's heart, but Remus touched the very essence of his soul. Remus perceived Sirius in a way that no one else could. James always sought to mend Sirius's past, to erase the pain that haunted him, to make the hurt vanish. In contrast, Remus recognized that Sirius's past was an integral part of who he was; he saw the invisible scars that marked Sirius's mind, scars that were not like his own but still deserving of compassion. Remus understood that he couldn't erase the past or shield Sirius from the harm inflicted by his family, yet he offered unwavering support and solace during Sirius's darkest moments. Remus became the anchor that kept Sirius grounded in a world that felt so heavy.

Sirius realized, in that moment, that his silent tears had escalated into gut-wrenching sobs. He cried out into the suffocating darkness of his bed, and for the first time in what felt like an eternity, he understood that no one was coming to rescue him. No one would slip into his bed to comfort him while he wept and trembled. He was utterly alone.

Time lost all meaning; it could have been mere seconds or endless hours. His sobs eventually subsided, not because he had found any semblance of control, but because he had exhausted every tear. He felt empty, his eyes stinging from the relentless crying, his throat raw from the screams that had escaped him, his lungs aching from shallow breaths, his hair tangled from frantic pulling, and his head spinning from the weight of despair. Yet, he could not bring himself to care about any of that; he believed he deserved this torment.

He heard James and Peter return to the dorm, their hushed whispers and footsteps echoing in the stillness. Someone paused by his bed, and he held his breath, knowing that if James asked, he would have to pull back the curtains, exposing his brokenness and James would try to comfort Sirius, even when he didn’t deserve comfort. He silently pleaded for James to move on, convinced he didn’t deserve his friends' compassion. Eventually, he heard the figure step away, followed by James and Peter exchanging goodnights, leaving him in silence once more. Just as he was about to retreat into his own thoughts, he caught a faint whisper—James Potter’s voice. “Night Sirius. I’m really angry with you right now, but I’m still your brother, just so you know.”

Sirius spent the night in a restless haze, unable to find solace in sleep. Every time he attempted to close his eyes, the image of Remus's face haunted him, the pain of betrayal etched into his mind. Instead, he sat on his bed, knees drawn to his chest, staring into the suffocating darkness, pleading for his thoughts to quiet down, but they refused to listen. The voice in his head, echoing his mother’s disdain, was an unending loop of accusations: You are not better than us, you are a true Black, you hurt everyone you care about, you are not worthy of love, disgusting, traitor, unworthy, dirty, freak, a true Black, just like the rest of us. It mocked him mercilessly as he begged for silence but the voice continued; It’s time to face the truth, Sirius. You are a disgrace to everyone. You cannot be a good son, a good brother, a good friend. You are worthless. You would be better off dead, but that would only bring pain to those around you. You deserve to suffer; in death, you would be free, but here, you endure the torment you deserve.

Morning crept in, marked only by the faint sounds of James and Peter stirring, whispering about seeing Remus after breakfast. The mention of Remus sent Sirius spiralling again, the voice morphing into Remus's own, taunting him. “Shut up and leave me alone”. He nodded in agreement to the tormenting voice.

Once he heard his friends leave, he reluctantly pulled back the curtains of his bed. He attended to his basic needs in the bathroom—brushing his teeth, using the toilet, washing his hands. He didn’t bother with a shower or combing his hair, avoiding the mirror, fully aware of the reflection that awaited him: Sirius Black, the traitor.

Returning to his bed, he retrieved a notebook that Remus had given him for Christmas, along with a muggle pen. Remus had suggested that writing down his thoughts might help him cope, but he had yet to use it. Today felt like the right moment.

Sirius began to write about what he had done, using a charm to ensure that only he could see the truth of his words. On the next page, he created a list of things he knew about himself, then next to that a list of things he knew about Remus.

Sirius turned the page, crafting a plan. He found solace in plans, a strange comfort in the chaos of pranks. Few knew this side of him; many would argue he thrived on spontaneity. Yet, deep down, he craved structure, a roadmap to navigate the mess of his thoughts. Without guidance, he often spiralled into recklessness, leaving a trail of chaos behind but he had done enough of that for a lifetime. So, he meticulously wrote down his instructions.

1: Shut up - Simple enough. No words, no gestures, no communication of any kind.

2: Leave Remus alone- Avoid him at all costs. If Remus entered a room, leave. Sit it at the back of classes, arrive just before class starts, and vanish the moment it finished. The library and greenhouse were off-limits. Come back late to the dorm, crawl into bed, draw the curtains tight, and stay hidden until Remus was gone. Find a new place to sleep, is able to.

2b: Find a ways to track Remus’s movements to help stay away.

3: Just survive and suffer - no further instructions needed.

Sirius found a strange comfort in this list. It was a lifeline, a way to navigate the storm within him, and he could always return to it, adding more if the need arose.

Sirius finished his list and trudged toward the great hall, the need for food and water weighing heavily on him. He didn’t bother changing his clothes; he wanted to be invisible, to blend into the shadows. Part of his plan was to avoid not just Remus, but everyone else too. He had never felt so desperate to disappear. He wished Remus would forget him entirely, but that was impossible if people kept talking about him. So, he abandoned the flashy outfits and shiny jewellery that once defined him. Instead, he cast a glamour charm over the bruises and cuts, hoping it would shield him from prying eyes and whispers.

With his head hung low, he navigated the school, his long hair draping around him like a shroud. He longed for James's cloak, but felt unworthy of such comfort, clinging to the notion of suffering.

As he stepped into the great hall, all eyes turned toward him, as if the very air was aware of his presence. He scanned the room, searching for a way to grab food and escape. His gaze landed on Remus, who sat between James and Peter, with Lily and Mary across from him. A harsh red gash marred Remus's face, a painful reminder of the very thing he despised about himself the most. The realization that Sirius was the cause of that scar crushed him. He could almost hear Remus's voice echoing in his mind, “Leave me alone.” Defeated, he turned and walked out of the great hall. Food could wait.

Sirius spent the day aimlessly wandering the castle, feeling lost on a Sunday that should have been filled with laughter and friendship. Normally, he would be with his friends, sharing jokes, causing mischief, playing chess with Peter, listening to music with James, or studying with Remus. But today, he was alone, so he drifted through the empty halls. As he completed his second loop, he began to notice details he had overlooked before, while also forgetting some of the things he had just seen. He pulled out the notebook Remus had given him and started a rough sketch of the castle, pausing to observe the surroundings he had previously ignored. It wasn’t until he struggled to see the paper that he realized how long he had been walking and drawing; darkness had crept in unnoticed.

Checking the time, Sirius felt a pang of realization—he had missed both lunch and dinner. His stomach growled, reminding him that he hadn’t eaten in two days. He trudged down to the kitchen, hoping to charm the house-elves into giving him something to tide him over until breakfast. As he walked, he paused to add another detail to his map when suddenly, he was yanked from behind and pulled into a hidden alcove.

Sirius squinted into the shadows, trying to make sense of the darkness when he heard Regulus's voice cut through the silence. “What’s going on?” the younger Black demanded, frustration lacing his words. “Why aren’t you talking to your friends? Where have you been all day? After everything that happened at breakfast, I’ve been searching for you.”

Sirius opened his mouth to reply, but Remus's voice echoed in his mind “Shut up”. So, he clamped his lips shut. Regulus studied him in the dim light, a hint of concern creeping into his tone. “You look terrible, by the way.”

Sirius averted his gaze, focusing on a spot on the wall just behind Regulus's head. He knew that if he met his brother's eyes, he would crumble, and that felt unfair to Remus. Remus was the one who had been hurt; Sirius had no right to wallow in his own misery.

“Are you not speaking right now, Siri?” Regulus asked, his voice softer this time, but still, Sirius remained silent, fixated on the wall. “Can you sign?” Regulus pressed, but when he received no answer, he let out an exasperated huff. “Well, I’m glad I bothered.” With that, he turned and walked away, leaving Sirius alone in the cove.

Sirius, drained of any will to move, sank to the floor. He lost track of time as he stared at the wall, the spot just above where Regulus had stood.

Sirius must have drifted off in the cove where his brother dragged him into the night before. He stirred awake, disoriented, as a group of students strolled by, their laughter echoing in the air. Hidden from view, he glanced at the time and realized breakfast was being served. He stayed concealed, listening to the chatter of those passing by, knowing anyone heading to the Great Hall would have to walk right past him. He waited until he recognized three familiar voices .

“I honestly don’t know, James. I’d like to think so,” Remus’s voice pierced through the silence. “But I didn’t really notice.”

James chimed in next, “I know, Mo—” He hesitated, quickly adding an apology. “I just don’t think he did, and it worries me. You know how he gets.”

A heavy silence lingered before Peter finally spoke. “Well, I think it’s up to Remus when we forgive him.”

“No, Pete, it’s up to me when I forgive him, and it’s up to you when you do. I don’t want you both to be angry at him for my sake; I don’t want sides to be taken. He fucked up, and who knows if I’ll ever forgive him, but he didn’t do this to you two—he did it to me. If you want to talk to him, go ahead. I’m not stopping you,” Remus’s voice rose, filled with frustration.

“No one said you are, mate,” James interjected quickly. “But as you said, it’s up to us when we forgive him because he hurt us too. We’re Marauders, Remus, all of us. If one of us is hurt, we all feel it. So yeah, I’m mad at him because he hurt you, but also because he hurt us.”

“I just—” Peter’s voice faded, signalling they had entered the Great Hall, leaving Sirius alone once more.

Sirius lingered in the shadows until the last of the students trickled into the great hall, then he emerged from his hiding spot and trudged back to his dorm room. He managed to reach his room without encountering anyone, a small mercy in the otherwise suffocating silence. A quick shower washed over him, but he didn’t bother with his hair; there was no time for styling before class. He simply threw it up in a messy bun and slipped into his uniform, glancing at the clock before heading out.

As he rounded the corner, he spotted James, Peter, and Remus chatting by the door, waiting to be called in. He stepped back behind the wall, waiting for the class to file in, and at the last second he slipped inside. Scanning the room, he found a seat in the back row, directly behind Remus but far enough back that the boy wouldn’t notice him unless he turned around. Perfect, Sirius thought, knowing Remus wouldn’t be looking for him. He sank into the chair, trying to disappear into it.

This was how Sirius spent the day—slipping into class late, hiding in the back, struggling to focus on the teacher’s words, and bolting from the room as soon as the lesson ended. It became a familiar routine. But when lunch rolled around, he knew he had to eat; he had already skipped three breakfasts, two lunches and dinners. The great hall felt like a terrible idea, so he made his way to the kitchen instead.

Inside, he was met with the chaotic energy of house elves bustling about, cooking and baking. He felt a pang of guilt for interrupting their work, so he opened his mouth to say something, but a harsh voice “Shut up” in his mind, silencing him.

One of the elves noticed him lingering and approached. “Older Master Black,” the young elf squeaked, her voice high and sharp. “What is Older Master Black be wanting?.” Sirius remained silent, his gaze fixed on the elf. “Is Older Master Black being hungry? Young Master Black often visits Bixie when he is wanting to be avoid the hall. Is that what Older Master Black is wanting too?”

Again, Sirius couldn’t respond, trapped in his own silence. The elf, Bixie, studied him for a moment before snapping her fingers. A tray floated from a stack in the corner, food items leaping onto it as if eager to escape. A bottle of pumpkin juice joined them. When the tray settled in front of Bixie, she smiled up at him. “Older Master Black can be taking this to Young Master Black’s chair,” she gestured to a small table tucked away, “or he can be taking it to go.”

Sirius didn’t want to disrupt the elves’ busy routine. Instead, he grabbed a sandwich and a pastry from the tray, along with the pumpkin juice. He nodded at Bixie, hoping to convey his thanks before slipping out of the kitchen.

Sirius found himself aimlessly wandering the school again, scribbling notes in his notebook while taking half-hearted bites of his food. Memories of the past flickered in his mind as he reluctantly returned to his classes, slipping in at the last moment and leaving just as quickly. Everything was going as planned until he reached his final class of the day, Transfiguration. Professor McGonagall was discussing vanishing spells, a topic that hit too close to home for him, having been caught using one in a prank before. He sank deeper into his chair, praying she wouldn’t remember, but luck was not on his side.

“Can anyone tell me the name of the spell we will be using?” McGonagall asked, her voice cutting through the silence. When no hands were raised, she sighed in disappointment. “Master Black?” Her gaze fell on the Sirius normal seat between James and Remus, now occupied by Peter. She raised an eyebrow, scanning the row. “Where is Master Black?”

The entire room seemed to focus on the spot where he usually sat, and as silence enveloped them, whispers began to circulate among the students, quickly silenced by McGonagall’s sharp tone. “That is not an excuse to gossip. Now, has anyone seen Master Black?”

A student beside Sirius raised his hand. “He’s back here, Professor.” The class turned to him, and Sirius ducked his head, trying to hide.

“Master Black, I seem to recall you having a knack for this charm,” the professor began, ignoring his new seat. “Would you care to share with the class?”

Sirius kept his gaze fixed on the parchment before him, acutely aware of the weight of everyone's stares. He longed to glance up and see if Remus was among them, but he couldn't bring himself to do it; it would be too cruel to Remus. The urge to flee pulsed beneath his skin, but he knew that would only create a scene, so he remained silent. After a few agonizing minutes, the room erupted into chatter once again.

“That is quite enough,” McGonagall's voice cut through the noise. “It’s concerning that none of you know the name of the spell. You’ve known about this lesson for some time, yet no one bothered to prepare.”

The lesson dragged on, and Sirius was grateful that the professor didn’t call on him again. Just as he was about to silently thank the universe for making this day bearable, McGonagall’s voice rang out once more.

“Master Black, since you will be serving detention with me tonight, you may remain seated. The rest of you can leave.”

As the room began to empty, Sirius risked a glance upward to watch the others file out. He didn’t lift his head fully; instead, he peered through his lashes. Someone paused in front of him, and he quickly averted his gaze again.

“Sirius,” James said softly, but Sirius refused to look up. He heard two other sets of footsteps join James. “Sirius, we wanted to talk to you.” Shuffling in his seat, he turned away from the three boys, and soon enough, they seemed to take the hint and left. Relief washed over him like a fleeting wave.

 "Master Black." McGonagall's voice was softer this time, almost gentle. "For today’s detention, I need you to write two feet on why your actions were wrong." Sirius kept his gaze fixed on the desk, the surface a dull blur, but he mechanically reached for fresh parchment to begin his task.

As the hour dragged on, he finished the two-foot essay, but the emptiness inside him pushed him to keep writing. He had countless reasons for his mistakes, each one a weight pressing down on him.

"Master Black." McGonagall sharp tone sliced through his thoughts, causing his quill to pause mid-sentence. "I've been calling you for the last five minutes. Your hour of detention is over. Did you manage to complete your two feet?"

Sirius finally looked up, only to realize he had been crying. The parchment was marred with large water stains, and he noticed he had written nearly five feet instead. He nodded, holding the paper up, and when their eyes met, her expression softened. She opened her mouth to say something, but he quickly gathered his things and rushed to the door, leaving the parchment behind for her to review.

Not feeling hungry, he skipped dinner and made his way to the library, knowing Remus wouldn’t be there. He spent the evening searching for a way to track someone's movements. He discovered a spell that could mark someone on a map, but it wouldn’t work on his muggle book, so he painstakingly transferred the map to parchment.

After a week of effort, he managed to add Remus, James, Peter, and Regulus to his map, allowing him to avoid them even when they seemed to be searching for him. One day, when he found Lily waiting for him, he quickly added her, along with Marlene and Mary, to the map.

He drifted through his monotonous days, aimlessly wandering the castle, sketching more onto his map, attending classes late, and leaving as soon as it ended. He steered clear of everyone, using mealtime as an excuse to retreat to the dormitory, where he would shower, change, gather supplies, and slip away again. Nighttime held no comfort for him; instead, he sought out new, lonely corners to spend his nights. When hunger gnawed at him, he would venture to the kitchen, where Bixie would prepare a box of food—some to eat immediately, others to stash away in his bag for later. This was Sirius's existence for the past two month: attending class, wandering the castle, adding to his map, searching for new sleeping spots, avoiding his friends, enduring detention, and lost in thoughts of Remus.

Sirius found himself lost in thoughts of Remus for most of the day, captivated by the way those unruly curls would tumble into his eyes while he read. The sight of Remus trying to blow them away was both endearing and amusing, making him look adorably silly. He often pondered the warmth of Remus's honey-colored eyes, which always seemed to radiate kindness and understanding, as if he could see right into Sirius's soul and know exactly what he needed. What Sirius cherished most was that Remus had never looked at him with pity; that was a gift he held dear.

Sirius also reminisced about Remus's gentle voice, soothing and tender, even when he was scolding Sirius. In those moments, fear never crept in; Remus would never raise his voice in anger. He longed for the nights when Remus would read to him, their shared nightmares intertwining, keeping them awake together. He missed Remus's sharp wit and his hushed judgmental observations about their classmates. The absence of Remus felt like a deep ache.

As he wandered the halls or settled down in unfamiliar places, thoughts of James filled his mind too. Not having James around felt like losing a vital part of himself, leaving him adrift and incomplete. He missed Peter as well, but the void left by James was palpable, like a lung deprived of breath. Yet, the longing for Remus was deeper, more profound—like a heart starved of its lifeblood.

It was in the solitude of the astronomy tower that the realization struck him: he was in love with Remus. It wasn’t a frantic epiphany of “Oh Fuck, I’m in love with Remus!” but rather a gentle acknowledgment of, “Ah, so this is what it feels like—I’m in love with that charming, lanky nerd.”

---

Remus POV

Sirius had been dodging the Marauders for two whole months, and it was infuriating! How the hell did he manage to know where they would be? They figured out early on that he was using meal times to sneak off to the dorm, they even tried being their waiting for him. But guess what? Sirius never showed! They even tried splitting up, waiting in different spots, but he was always a no-show. A few times they waited for him after detention, but something would distract them, and by the time they looked back, he was already gone.

Now it was the day of the next full moon, and Remus was done with Sirius's nonsense. Sirius was the one who messed up, so he had no right to avoid Remus like this. Remus had decided to give him a chance to explain, but Sirius couldn’t even muster the decency to show up!

Fuming, Remus stormed into his last class of the day, Defence Against the Dark Arts. He had spent the entire day tracking Sirius's scent, but every time he thought he was close, Sirius was already one step ahead and vanished.

“Good afternoon, class! Today we will finally be discussing werewolves,” Professor Broadwick announced, excitement dripping from his voice.

But Remus? He was anything but excited. This was the lesson he had dreaded the most all year. He knew it was coming and had talked it over at length with the rest of the Marauders, who all promised to be there for him when this day arrived. That thought ignited another wave of anger within him. They all promised, including Sirius. And where was Sirius now? Absent! The one who had betrayed him, sold him out, and then had the audacity to avoid him!

“Let’s dive right into the beasts shall we. We’re kicking off this lesson by diving headfirst into the terrifying world of werewolves! We’ll dissect their characteristics, how to spot one lurking in your daily life, even when the moon isn’t full. Then, we’ll tackle the laws surrounding these monsters—laws that are shockingly lenient! There are groups out there clamouring to abolish these laws, insisting that the beast deserves the same treatment as you and me. But thankfully! There are also groups, who are staunchly opposing that notion thankfully. Now if you ask my opinion all werewolves should be put down, ride the world of them I say. I’m sure the majority of you agree with my statement. Ah! Mister Lupin.”  Suddenly, the entire room shifted its focus to Remus, who felt a wave of panic wash over him. “Is your father still at the Ministry, fighting to keep the beast locked away, have them all gathered up registered so we can keep track on them?”

Just as Remus was about to respond, a deafening crash erupted from the back of the room, followed by a blinding flash and a thunderous explosion! Everyone turned to see none other than Sirius, standing tall for the first time in two months! He was standing on his chair, his desk flipped upside down, wand raised high, sparks flying like crazy! The room erupted into chaos—students ducked under tables, others sprinted around in a frenzy, screaming! They rushed to the door, desperate to escape, but it wouldn’t budge!

Sparks flew all around the room sending everything they hit to explode. A spark zipped across the room, heading straight for Remus, but it didn’t hit him! Instead, it ricocheted off an invisible barrier! Glancing around, Remus noticed that James, Peter, Lily, Mary, and Marlene were all shielded by the same unseen force! Students that where hit bight a spark screamed out in pain but seemed to be mostly uninjured.

James leaped from his chair, sprinting toward Sirius. “Sirius, mate, put the wand down!” But it was as if Sirius was in another world, completely oblivious to James’ frantic plea. James glanced back at Peter, hoping for backup, but Peter was cowering under a desk, trembling like a leaf.

With an exasperated sigh, Remus stood up and approached James. He wasn’t sure if this would help or make things worse, but at least Sirius wasn’t bolting. “Sirius, put the wand down!”

Sirius's wand slipped from his grasp, hitting the floor with a hollow thud, a final spark flickering out and igniting a cascade of books. Panic surged in Sirius's eyes as they met Remus's. Before Remus could utter a word, Sirius leaped from the chair, racing out the classroom.

“Fuck,” Remus muttered, glancing at James. “Did you see him? What’s wrong with him?”

“I don’t know,” James replied softly, his voice barely above a whisper. Remus could see the concern etched on his face. “I thought he was managing. When Sirius breaks down, it’s usually so loud. I thought the silence meant he was okay. I thought he was okay.”

Remus nodded, lost in thoughts of Sirius. He looked so small, so fragile. Sirius had always been a bit scrawny, but now he seemed like he could crumble at any moment. The spark in his eyes, usually bright and mischievous, had turned wild and dull, as if all joy had been siphoned away. His hair, once thick and meticulously styled, now sat lifeless and tangled in a messy bun on his head.

Peter's voice broke through Remus's reverie. “Hey, Remus. I think this is for you.” He held out an envelope, Remus's name scrawled in Sirius's handwriting.

With trembling hands, Remus took the envelope. “We should leave before the professors show up,” he said, his voice heavy with resignation.

He pocketed the envelope and picked up Sirius's wand from the floor. Peter gathered Sirius's bag along with his own, and they trudged toward the dorm room, too drained to even think about dinner. Remus felt the familiar pull of the moon, a weight in his bones that he couldn’t ignore.

James inquired as they finally entered the dorm room, “Are you going to read it?” 

“I’m not sure,” Remus replied, his honesty evident. “I’m a bit scared about what it contains. I still have hope that Sirius will explain that it was all a misunderstanding, that he doesn’t actually think I’m a monster deserving of death. What if the contents of that envelope shatter my last glimmer of that hope?” 

James pondered for a moment, “I know Sirius, just as my lungs instinctively know to breathe. He doesn’t think that way. Sirius can be reckless and impulsive; he often speaks without thinking when he feels cornered. But he would never have told Snape about you, in hopes you would have been hurt.” 

“If you believe that, then why are you still angry with him?” Remus questioned.

The marauders had never really discussed the prank since that first day, and Remus had never thought to ask James about his feelings. He had been too consumed by his own hurt and rage to consider how James felt. Unlike Peter and Remus, who had lost a friend, James had lost a brother.

“I was upset with him for involving you in his rivalry with Snap. I know he didn’t want you to be locked up or killed, but he still told the greasy haired shit about you, and that was wrong. Sirius understands your feelings about being a werewolf, yet he didn’t think about you when he told Snivellus how to get to you.” James elaborated, “I’d feel just as angry with you if you had used Sirius’s family against him to win an argument. That’s not how we operate, you know? We’re a family. Families don’t behave like that.”

Remus nodded thoughtfully before glancing at Peter. “What’s your take on this?”

Peter considered Remus for a moment. “I agree, Sirius wouldn’t have done what he had if he thought about what they would do to you. He can be a twat and self-absorbed most of the time, but he would never want you to be hurt that way. The issue is that Sirius doesn’t view you as a beast; he sees you as Moony, his lanky, sweater-wearing, chocolate-loving best friend. I think he forgets that werewolves are still a sensitive topic, which makes him reckless in his behaviour around your lycanthropy. He was the first to figure out you were a werewolf and came to James and me, furious that you hadn’t told us. To him, it was something that shouldn’t have been a secret, as trivial as James admitting he still sleeps with his teddy bear, or me confessing my fear of thunder, or him revealing he dislikes the colour orange.”

Remus paused for a moment, allowing his friend's words to settle in, and he had to concede they were quite valid. Sirius had been so nonchalant about Remus's lycanthropy that it was almost irritating, yet there was something endearing about it too. Peter was spot on; to Sirius, the fact that Remus spread butter on his toast before peanut butter was more scandalous than the fact that he was a werewolf. Remus couldn't help but chuckle at the memory of Sirius ranting for three hours about how wrong he was for this, exclaiming, “Remus, it has butter in the name! That’s like putting chocolate sprinkles on chocolate spread!” If Remus understood all this, why had he been so angry with Sirius? Why did it hurt so much when it came from him? If it had been James or Peter, it would have stung, but he would have been more rational about it. Sure, he might have yelled and cried initially, but he would have realized they meant no harm. So why was it different with Sirius?

“Fuck,” Remus exclaimed, eyes wide as he stared at his friend. “I’m in love with Sirius.” James and Peter exchanged glances, neither reacting much. James merely raised an eyebrow, while Peter looked more bored than anything else. “That’s why I was so pissed with him; it feels like a betrayal of not just my secret but my heart. I was scared that he thought that way about me because I actually want him to like me.”

James nodded, still looking somewhat confused. “Wait, Remus, you didn’t realize you were in love with Sirius?”

“Did you know I was in love with Sirius?”

“It was a bit obvious,” Peter chuckled, causing Remus to panic.

“Shit, do you think Sirius knows? Is that why he acted like that, because he was freaked out about my feelings for him?”

James snorted with laughter before regaining his composure. “No, Remus, Sirius doesn’t know. He’s slightly more oblivious than you are.”

Remus sighed in relief, his mind racing as he checked the time and realized he needed to leave. He thanked James and Peter for their insights before hurrying off to meet Madam Pomfrey.

---

Remus awoke the following morning in the hospital wing, feeling surprisingly better than he had in ages after a full moon. He mentally catalogued his injuries and realized there were none. His bones ached, his throat was sore, and his head throbbed, yet he couldn’t find any cuts, breaks, or fresh scars.

As he blinked his eyes open, he spotted James and Peter chatting at the foot of his bed. He turned to them and smiled; they appeared calm and relaxed.

“Morning,” Remus greeted, prompting both boys to turn their attention to him. “Could you pass me the water?”

James sprang up, eager to fetch him a drink. “Blimey, you actually look decent for a change.”

“Not sure that came out quite right, James,” Peter chuckled, “but he’s right; you look better today than we’ve ever seen you the morning after a moon.”

Remus nodded in agreement. “Yeah, honestly, I feel good. I wonder what happened last night.”

He tried to recall the events of the previous night, as he usually could catch glimpses through Moony’s eyes. He remembered a large black dog; initially, Moony had growled at it, but once the dog submitted, Moony seemed happy to share his space. They played together, rolling around on the shack’s floor. In the back of his mind, Remus could hear Moony growling as he focused on the dog, a possessive ‘Mine’ echoing in his thoughts. An image of Sirius flashed through his mind—Sirius running, his hand in Remus’s hair, kissing his forehead.

Suddenly, Remus’s eyes widened. “Where’s Sirius?” he asked James.

James looked taken aback. “I don’t know, mate. I haven’t seen him since yesterday in defence class.”

Remus glanced at Peter, who simply nodded in agreement. Frustrated, Remus huffed, “Go get Pomfrey; I need to get out of here.”

Peter leaped into action, hurrying off to locate the healer. When they returned, she assessed him and, with a gentle smile, assured him that he was unharmed. She provided him with potions to alleviate his pain and help him sleep tonight if he needed then sent him off to class, playfully stating that she couldn’t have a healthy student occupying her bed. Yet, Remus could see the relief in her eyes despite her teasing. However, Remus had other things on his mind and chose to skip class. He directed James and Peter to go ahead and search for Sirius while he headed back to the dormitory. After James fussed over him, making sure he was genuinely okay and didn’t need to go back to the hospital wing, Remus finally got his way.

Once back in the dorm, he retrieved the letter he had hidden under his pillow and collapsed onto his bed. He drew the curtains closed and carefully unfolded the letter. Remus recognized the remnants of a removal spell and quickly reversed it. Sirius had taught them this spell in their second year, allowing them to send messages to one another without anyone noticing.

Dear Remus

For the past two months, I’ve thought about writing this letter. I wasn’t sure if it went against your request for silence, if it dose add it to the list of way I fucked up. Who knows if you’ll even read this? I’m not sure I’ll even send it, and if I do, I wonder if you’ll want to see it.

I feel like I owe you an explanation, but I want to make it clear that this isn’t me trying to justify my actions. There’s no excuse for what I did with Snape and the Shrieking Shack. I’m not asking for your forgiveness but I know you, Remus. You’ll likely see my actions as a reflection of you, but they’re not. They’re a reflection of me. I’m a Black, and I’ve tried to escape that legacy. I’ve tried to convince myself and others that I’m different from my family, but the truth is, I’m not. I’m the monster in this story, I need you to remember that okay.

The night of the full moon: 

I had gone to the potions classroom, searching for something I desperately needed, and there he was—Snape. I thought about just walking away, but then he said something vile about you, and I couldn’t just ignore it. I couldn’t let him speak such horrible things about you, Remus. I snapped, took the bait, and before I knew it, he had me cornered without me even realizing it. He tried to invade my mind, and fear gripped me. I’m sorry, Remus; I should have been stronger. I fought to block him out, managed to keep most of it at bay, but he caught a glimpse of something about Regulus. He threatened to use it against him if I didn’t reveal where you went every full moon. I tried to act oblivious, but he saw right through me, wielding that knowledge like a weapon. In the end, I told him—I revealed how to get past the willow and into the shack.

I never considered the consequences of my actions on you. I was terrified, thinking you would scare him off and protect Regulus. I’m so sorry, Remus, I used you as a weapon to protect myself and my brother. I regret not thinking of you, not realizing they might try to hurt you. It never crossed my mind, and I’m truly sorry. You deserve so much more than what I have done to you, you deserve the world. You shouldn’t have to live in fear, knowing that someone you once trusted could betray you like this and could do it again. You deserve far more than what you've been given, Remus, because you are a good person, the best of all of us. You should exist in a world where no one holds that kind of control over you. I should never have allowed you to give me that control; I should have realized that one day I could turn into someone like my family. I should have shielded you from my own darkness.

 I hope the moon last night was better and if it was I hope that all your futer moons are just as good. You’re incredible and so deserving of happiness. I regret that I couldn’t bring you joy, Remus, because I’m foolishly in love with you—though it sounds like I’m just saying that out of guilt. It’s frustrating. You deserve to know you are loved, even if it’s not by someone who has caused you so much pain.

I hope this letter offers you some clarity about my actions and helps you find the closure you need, Remus. If you ever feel down, just read this and remember how weak I was, how selfish and wrapped up in my own world. Please remind James of this too; you know how he can be. He’ll try to make it sad, but it’s not. You’re free now.

In my school bag, there’s a map I want you three to have, there is also a letter for James and Peter, they need to read it, not for me but it will help you. When people talk about me, don’t let them forget the bad parts. Remind them I’m a Black. People tend to romanticize those who are gone, and you don’t deserve that.

I love you, Remus, more than words can express. You are the most wonderful person to ever exist. You’re so strong and good, and I never deserved your friendship. I didn’t deserve to share this world with someone like you, but you were my bright moon, the one who made me believe I could be better. I’m sorry I couldn’t be that for you.

I apologize if this doesn’t make sense. 

Remus read the letter again, his mind struggling to grasp Sirius's words about freedom and romance, especially after he had left. He cast the removal charm, read it once more, then took it off again, trying to make sense of it all. Just as clarity began to dawn, he heard the door creak open. He leaped from his bed, eager to share his thoughts with James and Peter, but the words caught in his throat. It wasn’t them standing there; it was Sirius.

Sirius's gaze flicked between the letter and Remus's face, then back to the letter, and finally to the door. He attempted to slip past, but Remus was quicker, blocking his escape.

“No, you’re not fucking disappearing again for two months Sirius!” Remus shouted, unleashing the pent-up frustration of the last two months. “What the hell is this letter, Sirius?”

Sirius's eyes fixated on the letter being waved in front of him. He opened his mouth to respond but hesitated, shutting it again, which only fuelled Remus's anger. “No, you don’t get to do that! Talk to me, you asshole! Why did you write this?”

“To—” Sirius began, but his voice faltered, leading to a cough. It came out hoarse and strained. “I wasn’t going to send it.”

“Then why write it?” Remus pressed.

“I—” Sirius struggled to articulate, the words clearly painful to utter after a long time not using his vocal cords. “I don’t know. I needed to get it out. You were right about not suppressing things. Writing it down helped me sort through my thoughts. I was torn between two ideas but putting it on paper helped me choose.”

Remus felt a pang of guilt at the pain in Sirius's voice. He sighed and summoned a potion from Pomfrey, one meant to soothe after a rough night of howling. He offered it to Sirius, who just stood there, staring blankly.

“Drink the fucking potion, Sirius. I—” But before he could finish, Sirius downed it in one swift motion. Remus waited a moment for the potion to take effect before speaking again. “Feeling better?” Sirius nodded. “What were you torn about?”

Sirius's eyes widened, but he replied, “Staying here or letting you be free.” 

“What does that even fucking mean mean, Sirius? Letting me be free?” 

“You’re probably terrified I’ll spill your secrets like I did with Snap, and I don’t want you living in fear forever, Remus. I want you to be free from me, so I thought if I were gone, you wouldn’t have to worry about me doing it again.” 

Remus stepped back, realizing that he had suspected this was what Sirius meant, but hearing it out loud felt like a punch to the gut. “But you said you wouldn’t send it, right? So that means you chose to stay right?” 

Sirius finally broke their gaze, looking down at his boots, shaking his head. Then something seemed to dawn on him, and he looked up, a flicker of hope crossing his face. “How are you feeling after the moon?” 

Remus stood there, stunned. Sirius had just confessed to contemplating suicide, and now he was asking about the full moon. 

Sirius took the silence as a cue to continue. “You look okay, and you’re not in the hospital wing, so that’s a good sign, right? It means you weren’t hurting to much this morning, so I hope it was good sign.” 

Remus recalled his thoughts that morning about the dog and then about Sirius being with him. “Sirius, were you in the shack with me last night? Was that your plan? To have me kill you? Are you out of your fucking mind? Trying to get me locked up or slaughtered once wasn’t enough for you? You thought you’d kill two birds with one stone—have me do it so you wouldn’t have to, and I’d also be the one punished for it.” 

Sirius was in a state of panic. "No, no. That's not how it is. You wouldn't have killed me, Remus. When I spoke to Snape, I wasn't considering how it would affect you, and that was messed up. I'm sorry. But last night, I knew you wouldn't hurt me. If anything had gone wrong, you wouldn't have harmed anyone because you wouldn't kill a human."

Remus paused, trying to grasp what Sirius was saying. "The dog?"

"I had to ensure it was safe before telling James and Peter. I read that werewolves don’t harm animals. There’s barely any decent literature on werewolves, and the one good piece is in the restricted section. How messed up is that?" Sirius glanced at Remus, hoping for agreement, but Remus just stared blankly. "Anyway, I found it, and it said that werewolves usually live in packs because they won’t hurt each other. They can keep each other safe during the full moon. The author mentioned that werewolves who don’t have packs often keep animals around to have someone to play with and to prevent them from hurting themselves."

"So you got me a dog?" Remus asked, confusion evident in his voice.

Sirius felt a flush creep up his cheeks. "That was the original idea, but I knew I couldn’t hide it in the shack while you transformed. If you saw it beforehand, you would have panicked and sent it away. I had to find a way to keep the animal hidden until you were already the wolf."

Remus continued to stare at him, and Sirius instinctively took a step back. Remus was on the verge of shouting again, but where Sirius had stood, there was now a tall black dog with tangled fur. The sight of the dog stirred the dormant wolf within Remus, who growled possessively. When the dog shifted back to Sirius, the wolf settled back down, surrendering to sleep.

"You... but, no, that... how…… that……no" Remus stammered, lost for words.

“James, Peter, and I have been at this since the start of our fifth year,” Sirius explained, “night in the potions classroom during the full moon when I bumped into Snape. I was trying to gather our mandragora leaves, which we had to keep in our mouths for an entire moon cycle. This was our fourth attempt; Pete kept swallowing his when he ate, James would drop his whenever he spoke, and I kept waking up with mine on the pillow”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Remus asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

Sirius shrugged. “James said you’d stop us because it was too dangerous.”

“And James was fucking right for once! I would have, Sirius. You didn’t know that the wolf wouldn’t see you as human and would attack you anyway!”

Sirius nodded. “That’s why I went through with it. If you had hurt me, it wouldn’t have mattered much. Today is my last day, after all. I thought if it worked, James and Peter could take over for me; they both managed it last week during the thunderstorm. I left them a letter to explained it was not safe before I went to the shack, I was here swapping it out when you stopped me.”

Remus felt his mind spiral. “I still would have been sent to Azkaban or worse for killing you, Sirius, whether you meant to die or not. They wouldn’t care about your intentions; they’d only see a werewolf who killed someone. And what about me? I was furious with you, but do you have any idea what it would have done to me to know I killed you? You’re so fucking reckless! You would have turned me into the very thing I feared the most—a murderer.”

Sirius sighed, shaking his head. "That was the beauty of it, really. No one would have suspected anything. They would have just thought it was a simple stray, and Dumbledore wouldn’t have had to report it. You might have felt a bit guilty about hurting an animal, but you wouldn’t have known it was me but if it had worked, James and Peter could have been there for you, kept you company. I just don’t want you to suffer anymore."

"James and Peter would have figured it out, you idiot!" Remus yelled.

"What would they have figured out?" James asked, entering the room.

"Yeah, I thought about that," Sirius replied, ignoring James's question. "But I wrote a book and left it in the library. It’s about a werewolf whose wife tried to help him, and he ended up killing her. I left a letter for them explaining the book and where to find it."

"What if they connect the dots, Sirius?"

Sirius shrugged. "They wouldn’t. They’d never would have wanted to believe it."

"What about me?" Remus shouted, his voice breaking.

"What about you, Remus? I told you, you wouldn’t have known." Sirius's frustration was palpable.

"No, I would have," Remus said, the weight of the realization crashing down on him. The thought of living in a world without Sirius was unbearable. The last two months had been hard enough, but the idea of facing the rest of his life alone was too much. Tears began to spill over, impossible to contain. "I would have known in my heart. I would have felt that you were gone."

Sirius sighed heavily, “No, a letter is supposed to go out tonight saying I’ve run away. Everyone would believe it; they know how much I despise my family.” He paused, his voice barely above a whisper. “No one would have ever known.”

“I would have known,” Remus cried, his voice breaking. “I would have felt it, felt my heart shatter. I know I would have because my heart can’t beat without you!”

Sirius looked at him, a moment of silence hanging between them before he shook his head. “Remus, it’s okay. It didn’t happen, so it doesn’t matter. And you can be safe now during the moon.”

“Can someone please tell us what the fucking hell is going on?” Peter shouted, pulling Remus and Sirius from their daze.

Remus shook his head, overwhelmed by tears, collapsing onto his bed, his hands tangled in his hair as he sobbed. The other two boys turned to Sirius, who, instead of answering, transformed into a dog and back again.

In a quieter tone, Sirius finally spoke. “I spent the night with Remus last night in the shack to see if it was safe. I knew you two had completed the transformation, and I wanted to make sure everything was alright before you went in. I left you a note in case it wasn’t safe, telling you where to find the book I mentioned when you came in. But it was safe, so I returned to change the note and let you know, but Remus was here and caught me. I just didn’t want you two to get hurt or for Remus to get hurt.”

The room lingered in silence for a moment before Sirius broke it again. “Yeah, it’s fine to be with Remus during the full moons. Moony has to be the Alpha, though, so he might be a bit rough and growly at first. But if you show him you mean no harm, he’ll be glad for the company. He enjoys playing tug-of-war, but we kind of destroyed the pillow in there, so maybe bring something sturdier.” Sirius nodded, moving toward the door, pausing with his hand on the knob. He didn’t turn back to the group but added, “I know I don’t deserve to say this after everything I’ve done, but I want to thank all of you for caring about me, for believing I could be more than a Black. I’m really sorry for not being good enough for any of you. You’ve shown me kindness and love, things I never deserved, and I’m so incredibly grateful for that. I’m sorry for messing everything up. I’m sorry I couldn’t love you right, Remus. I’m sorry I wasn’t a better friend to Pete. And James I’m sorry I failed as a brother.”

“Sirius, what the hell are you talking about?” James shouted, but Sirius was already out the door and down the stairs. James turned to Remus, who sat wide-eyed on his bed, staring at the spot where Sirius had just been. He knew he should get up and stop him, but his mind and body felt paralyzed.

“Remus,” Peter said softly, stepping in front of him. “Hey, mate, you look like you’re going to be sick. Do you need Pomfrey?” Peter’s hand on Remus’s forehead snapped him back to reality.

Remus shot up from the bed, pushing Peter aside. “We have to stop him! He’s going to kill himself. That’s why he came in shaking, to see if I’d be safe because he didn’t care if he died. He was going to end it today!” Remus shouted.

James rushed out the dorm with Peter and Remus trailing behind. They wasted hours running aimlessly, lost in their frantic search, until Remus finally had the thought to follow his scent, which ultimately guided them to the astronomy tower. There, Sirius sat on the ledge, gazing at the sun as it sank beneath the horizon. He swung his leg over the edge, a cigarette in hand, softly humming a tune by David Bowie, lost in his own world.

As the other three boys burst into the tower, Sirius merely cast a glance over his shoulder. “Oh, hey guys.” A serene smile graced his lips, yet the tears cascading down his cheeks betrayed his calm facade. “I’m just waiting for the last few students to go back inside,” he explained, as nonchalantly as one might discuss the weather.

“Sirius, get down!” James called out, but Sirius turned his gaze back to the setting sun, disregarding him. “Sirius, please, this isn’t a joke. Come down, mate; we can sort this out yeah?”

Sirius began to hum "Starman" louder, attempting to drown out James’s pleas, but he abruptly halted, letting out a wet laugh. “I never really thought about those lyrics before; I never understood them until now.”

Remus, quick on his feet, responded, “Really? I never did either. Can you share?”

Sirius spun around, causing the other boys to gasp in fear at the precariousness of his position. “Of course, Remus, anything for you.” He smiled brightly. “The song is about Bowie’s rise to fame, about becoming a star. The lyrics suggest that adults will never truly get him; they will never appreciate his music, but it’s the children who truly understand. They should be allowed to love it and be young, enjoy the freedom of discovering them self. Let the children dance.”

Peter nodded thoughtfully. “Yeah, that makes sense, but why is that on your mind right now, Sirius?”

Sirius shrugged. “I suppose I relate to it. It’s like us, isn’t it? The adults don’t understand us. We understand the need for joy, but one day, you won’t remember it. When you have children of your own, you might not grasp the wildness of being a kid; they need to have fun, to dance.”

James stepped closer. “That’s why we need you, mate. To remind us to stay young, to remember what it was like.”

Sirius shook his head. “But I have to go now, so you’ll have to try remembering on your own, alright?” His eyes finally met his friend’s. “Oh no, wait, why are you crying?”

“Because,” James shouted, “you’re sitting on the edge of the Astronomy Tower about to kill yourself!”

Sirius shook his head once more, a look of deep confusion etched upon his face. “But that’s not sad; you shouldn’t be crying,” he insisted.

Remus stepped forward, his voice rising in frustration. “How can that not be sad? Sirius, you are our friend; of course, it’s sad!”

Sirius, lowering himself to join the group, replied, “No, Remus, remember the letter? You need to remember that im bad, I tried to be good but I can’t be, I’m bad. You’re only upset now because you think I’m good. You’re remembering the person I tried to convince you I was, but that’s not who I truly am. I’m the one who told Snape about you, remember. And Peter?” He turned to face the smallest member of their circle. “Think back to all the times I made you feel like an outsider, like when you wanted to join in on the pranks but I made you be look out. Or James,” he spun around again, “remember when I shoved you off your broom because I couldn’t stand that you were better at Quidditch than me? So, it’s not sad that I will be gone, right?”

“Yes, it is, Sirius,” James interjected firmly. “We’re just kids, and kids do hurtful things to one another. That doesn’t mean you deserve to die.”

“No, but I told Snape, and I still have the power to tell others. What if I do it again? Remus is so perfect, so amazing, so smart and handsome. He doesn’t deserve to live in fear that I might betray him again.”

At this point, Remus could no longer contain himself. “For fuck sake, Sirius! You don’t get to do this! You keep claiming you love me! You keep talking about what I deserve. What I deserve is for the man I love to love me back, not to want to end his life because he told Snape where to find me to protect his brother. Sirius, I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, but if you take your own life, I will know. I will know you did it with the intention of breaking my heart!” Remus shouted, his voice breaking as he succumbed to tears. “because I love you Sirius. I have forgiven you for telling Snap but if you do this I will never forgive you.”

Sirius lingered for a moment, a look of bewilderment crossing his face before he softly uttered, “You love me?” 

“More than anything in the fucking world,” Remus responded earnestly. 

“Even after I told Snape?” Sirius inquired. 

“You telling Snape how I realised honestly. I always sensed something deeper between us than with James and Peter, but I couldn’t quite work it out. My anger towards you for telling Snape illuminated the truth: I love you, Sirius. That’s why it hurt so much. I was sacred the man I love saw me as a monster.” 

Sirius’s eyes transformed, shifting from a foggy, distant gaze to one of sharp clarity. “Remus, I could never see you that way. You are Remus, my Moony. You fold your socks and read a book three times before deciding if you like it, even the ones that make you cry and you cry every time you read it. You make us laugh so hard that I once spat milk out of my nose. You carry a spare tie in your bag for emergencies, and you go out of your way to comfort first-years who are homesick and help those who are struggling. I could never think of you as a monster. I love you so much.” 

“Then prove it, Sirius. Show me that you love me and stay. I don’t need your protection; I need your love. Please, stay with me.” 

“Alright,” Sirius replied simply. “Anything for you, Moony.” 

The following day, the four marauders found themselves in detention for having skipped an entire day of school. McGonagall lectured them for a full hour on the significance of education, yet the boys could sense her relief at seeing them reunited.

Sirius did not heal overnight; he still required much reassurance from Remus, who needed to remind him that he was no longer angry and that he still wished for Sirius to be alive. Slowly, Sirius began to regain the weight he had lost, though his three friends often had to pull him back to the Great Hall after he would lock eyes with Remus, panic rising within him, causing him to flee.

There were times when Sirius would fall silent, only speaking again when Remus assured him it was alright to do so. James frequently discovered Sirius in various hiding spots throughout the school in the dead of night, needing to guide him back to their dormitory. To make it easier to locate him in the dark and avoid Filch and his troublesome cat, they added Sirius to the map he had created.

Remus required considerable persuasion to allow the three Animagi to join him during the full moon, even after Sirius had promised it was safe. However, on the last full moon before the end of their fifth year, Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs spent their first moon together, getting up to no good.