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Hongjoong taps the wheel to the rhythm of the song filling the car with the melody. Seonghwa looks at the dawn. The warm sun rays blind him alternatively in between the trees.
Coming back home together after a chilling with friends is probably one of the moments Seonghwa enjoys the most with Hongjoong. He feels so peaceful and comfortable.
It's the moment he and Hongjoong reinforce their connection. They speak about the hangout, their friends, and the world around them. These minutes are so precious to Seonghwa. He finds his home again after being separated from Hongjoong for a few days. (If it was only for him, Seonghwa would be with Hongjoong 24/7).
Hongjoong is his childhood friend.
“I didn’t know I could bring Yeosang,” says Hongjoong once the song switches to a new one.
Seonghwa answers with a hum with his eyes admiring the landscape. It's beautiful.
He feels good. He feels comfortable.
“Wooyoung brought Yeonjun.”
“Yeah,” says Seonghwa. “You could’ve invited Yeosang.”
“I usually don't bring my boyfriend when we don't mention that partners can come,” says Hongjoong as he turns around the corner.
Seonghwa loses sight of the red sun. He says, “People usually don't specify it. They just assume the partner can come along whenever.”
“I thought it was going to be a hangout with friends. I would've told Yeosang to come but it was too much at the last minute.”
“Yeah,” says Seonghwa as he continues looking at the city unfolding in front of him.
After a beat of silence, Hongjoong asks, “How does it make you feel?”
Seonghwa leans back to his back rest, “What do you mean?”
“You know… This.”
Seonghwa sighs.
Honestly he’s glad that Hongjoong didn't bring Yeosang to the hangout. It’s selfish. He knows shouldn't feel like that, but he couldn't chase away the tightness in his chest.
“I just… I have to get used to it.” Seonghwa hides how much it hurts him. He adds in defeat, “That's how life is. That's how society is. There's nothing I can do.”
Hongjoong stops at a red light and looks at Seonghwa. The man is playing with the zipper of his coat. It’s common knowledge in their friend group that couples and friends are a sensitive subject for Seonghwa.
The light turns green. Hongjoong starts driving again.
Seonghwa continues, “It’s the boyfriend/partner/lover privilege.”
Seonghwa thinks about how Wooyoung had his hand on Yeonjun’s thigh most of the time. How they sometimes leaned in and whispered in each other’s ears, exchanging secrets. How they were standing in the entry of the bar waiting to be seated. How they would stand close, shoulder to shoulder, in the other's bubble.
The closer people are, the closer they stand besides each other.
That's how it is.
That's how the world works.
“Partners are treated differently as if they have priority. It's the lover's privilege.” Seonghwa looks at the fire in the clouds lit by dawn. “Something I'll never have.”
Bitterness spreads on his tongue. He sinks his nails in his palms.
Seonghwa is always going to be just a friend. Nothing more special. Just a friend.
Hongjoong turns the corner to their street.
“Though I want it,” admits Seonghwa before Hongjoong parks the car in front of his house.
Before and after hangouts with their group of friends, they always arrive and leave together. Seonghwa walks to Hongjoong’s home and Hongjoong drives them there.
On their way back home, they often stop by Hongjoong's home and talk a bit before Seonghwa walks home.
Hongjoong and Seonghwa became friends through soccer at the beginning of high school. They would both go to the same place to play soccer and ended up walking back home together since they lived on the same street.
Seonghwa waits for Hongjoong to unlock the front door with his passcode and follows him inside.
“You should go on a dating site or something for aromantics and asexuals and find yourself someone like that. You could have that too, a partner but platonically. You could bring them everywhere and be close and all that couple stuff but as friends.”
Seonghwa’s heart tightens as he kicks off his shoes. He acts as if this subject wasn't something sensitive for him. As if it was a simple conversation like others.
Hongjoong hangs his coat and walks off.
“Right now you're that person for me,” quietly confesses Seonghwa.
Seonghwa never ever admits things that are too close to his heart.especially not when it comes to affection towards Hongjoong.
The latter can be a bit awkward with this type of stuff.
Today, Seonghwa wants to risk it. He tests untouched waters. He admits what role Hongjoong occupies in his life. How important Hongjoong’s place is in his life.
They both know that they're very close. The closest friendship Seonghwa can find around them. They're closer than what friends are supposed to be.
At the hangout, Hongjoong stood so close to him.
Him and his friends were standing in a circle. Everyone has a certain distance between them, the normal notion of personal space. The only people who crossed that bubble were the couples, and Hongjoong and him.
Hongjoong stood very close to him. He does that whenever they're with other people.
When they’re alone, Hongjoong pulls away from Seonghwa's attempts at physical touch. He's a cat fleeing every cuddle and sign of affection, but doesn't hate it when he's the one initiating it.
He has a certain liking for pushing into Seonghwa's personal space. He bumps shoulders when they're walking. He presses against Seonghwa’s arm while he talks to their friends. Their thighs touch when they sit down beside each other. He places his shoulder in front or behind Seonghwa’s arm when he's next to him.
If he isn't touching him, he's at least a good step inside Seonghwa's bubble.
Seonghwa is guilty of enjoying it way more than what he's supposed to.
It warms Seonghwa’s heart. These moments are so rare that Seonghwa feels a constant lack of closeness.
He craves his affection. He wants it. He needs it. He notices even the most simple demonstration of affection coming from Hongjoong and drinks them as if he walks in the desert days without water.
Today, Hongjoong stood very close to him.
In the entryway of the bar, Hongjoong had his shoulder brushing against Seonghwa’s chest. He talked to Seonghwa and sometimes looked up at him.
Around the table, Hongjoong sat on the bench against the wall and Seonghwa on the stool. They were on opposite sides of the table. Seonghwa talked mostly to Yeonjun and Wooyoung.
At some point, the group alternated the places for some change. Seonghwa ended up on the bench–thank goodness for his back–and Hongjoong sat on the stool right beside him.
Hongjoong talked to San and Seonghwa continued the conversation with Yeonjun because he sat next to him again. Wooyoung still ended up sitting beside his boyfriend (obviously couples have priority *eyes roll*).
Seonghwa and Hongjoong usually make conversation with people other than each other at a hangouts. It’s similar to the way couples converse with other people around the table. They can be standing next to each other but giving their attention to people around them, because anyway they had all the time wanted to talk when they’re together.
Eventually, San started talking to Mingi, and Hongjoong turned to Seonghwa and Yeonjun. The distance between them started to decrease little by little.
Hongjoong's legs touched Seonghwa on each side of his calves. He placed a hand on the bench near Seonghwa's hips. He leaned in closer and didn't back off when Seonghwa looked at him. Their faces were much closer than the average distance and it was still a comfortable space for both of them.
Hongjoong is like that. He clings and then denies it.
He acts like he doesn't like it and pulls away when they're alone at home. He has to be the one initiating or else Seonghwa is pushed away.
In public or with friends he secretly acts like a magnet to Seonghwa. It’s so discreet when they're outside, but Seonghwa sees the difference.
Seonghwa thinks about his confession.
Right now you're that person for me.
You're that person for me.
Hongjoong is the one for Seonghwa.
He is the person he wants to grow old with, the person he wants to keep by his side forever, the person he turns to, the person he wants to grow closer to, the person he wants to share a house with, the person he wants to raise a dog with.
Hongjoong is his partner in crime.
He is his most important person. His number one.
He makes Seonghwa happy.
“I won't always be there,” answers Hongjoong as he disappears into the kitchen, leaving Seonghwa alone in the entryway.
The answer sinks in.
I won't always be there.
I won't always be there.
I won't always be there.
I won't always be there.
The sentence repeats itself in Seonghwa's head.
Fuck.
“Are you hungry? Do you want anything to eat,” shouts Hongjoong from the kitchen.
Seonghwa ignores the way his chest clutches and says, “Do you still have your mom’s imperial rolls?”
“Yeah, want me to warm them up for you?”
Seonghwa throws his coat on the couch and joins Hongjoong in the kitchen.
“Yes please! They're so good.”
Seonghwa makes the conversation but his head is stuck on that specific sentence.
I won't always be there.
Seonghwa wants him to be there.
He wants to be with Hongjoong. He wants to continue hanging out like them do. He wants to keep the closeness they have. He doesn't want to lose it.
What does Hongjoong mean by that?
Seonghwa helps Hongjoong with the snack, takes out plates, fills a cup with sauce, and pours them glasses of water. He knows where everything is in Hongjoong's kitchen.
He's not fully present. He talks with Hongjoong, with this familiar chest pain. The hole digs deeper.
The sentence loops inside his head.
I won't always be there.
Does he mean that he won't stay as close as are right now? Does he mean they won't live next to each other? Does he mean he'll be replaced by his boyfriend–Seonghwa’s biggest fear?
I won't always be there.
Seonghwa looks at the food in front of him and his stomach gurgles. Hongjoongs sits at the table and starts eating.
Seonghwa needs to bring back the subject. He needs clarification. He needs to know.
He decides to start with a worry he's had since Hongjoong and Yeosang started dating.
“Is Yeosang okay with how close we are?”
Hongjoong takes the time to finish his bite and admits, “I’m surprised he isn't more jealous than that.”
Seonghwa reads people well, so immediately understands what's up with Yeosang.
“He doesn't get how close we are.”
After giving it a thought, Hongjoong confirms.
Yeosang doesn't seem to realize how close Seonghwa and Hongjoong are.
Seonghwa looks at his plate and says, “Sometimes I’m scared of what Yeosang thinks. Even though it's purely friendship between us, I just can't help but worry.”
“I think the fact that you're aromantic and asexual reassures him. He doesn't tend to be jealous of friends.”
Seonghwa stays quiet. He takes it in.
Hongjoong continues, “When I'm gonna live with him, he might realize it then.”
Bitterness sinks to his chest and stains a little bit more his heart. It deepens the hole already digging his chest. He hides how much the statement hurts him.
He dips his roll in the sweet and spicy sauce and bites it.
Seonghwa dreads the moment Hongjoong won’t live on the same street as him. It feels like it is the moment when he is going to lose Hongjoong.
An outsider will have all the time he wants to grow close to Hongjoong. He's gonna be pushed aside and lose the steps ahead Yeosang.
He can't help himself and be awfully selfish. He wants Hongjoong for himself. He wants to grow closer and closer.
He won’t be the closest to Hongjoong anymore. Hongjoong won’t be his anymore.
Why not him? Why Yeosang and not Seonghwa?
The jealousy stabs him.
Seonghwa ignores the pain. He’s become used to it. It's nothing different from usual. He focuses on eating the snack and swallows the emotions with his bite.
Why is he being replaced by someone new in his life when Seonghwa has been there forever? Why can Yeosang reach a level of proximity that Seonghwa had yearned for years? Why Yeosang and not him? What's so different about it?
He doesn't understand why Hongjoong doesn't want to have that closeness with him. He's guilty for it. He's painfully envious of Yeosang, but represses it all.
He can't be feeling like that. He's just a friend.
Hongjoong once asked him to live with him.
If Seonghwa had to be honest, it was the most secure he’s ever felt in this friendship. It was the promise that he'd have all the time to grow closer to Hongjoong. It was his promise of happiness.
The deal lasted less than a couple of months. Maybe two or three months.
He was certain that he could trust Hongjoong.
He trusted him.
Until.
One day, he went grocery shopping with Hongjoong and his family–because yes they were that close.
In the middle alley, Hongjoong told him he didn’t know anymore.
His boyfriend would be jealous, was the only explanation he got in the middle of that canned food alley.
It stabbed him in the chest.
…Is that the only reason?
What about his jealousy? How is Yeosang’s jealousy more important than his?
Seonghwa has been there for a longer time. Yeosang is new. One year and a half is nothing compared to a decade of friendship. He should be Hongjoong's priority.
Seonghwa pushes the emotions. He buries them deep down and tells himself they're not important.
Anyways, he's just a friend.
He's not as important as a romantic and sexual partner.
It fucking hurts.
Seonghwa bleeds.
The blood flows to the floor and drowns him.
That day at the grocery store, Seonghwa realized how simple it was to be happy and how easy it was to spoil it.
“Would he be okay with our closeness if he finds out?” dares to ask Seonghwa.
“I think he's gonna be jealous,” says Hongjoong, “To be honest if Yeosang was close to someone like we are, I would be jealous.”
Shit.
Seonghwa finishes his plate.
“He used to have a best friend and I asked him to cut ties, before dating me.”
“Dude that one was very valid. There was obviously something weird between the two. They were fucking sus.”
Hongjoong chuckles. He raises his shoulders and repeats, “I’d be jealous in Yeosang's place.”
In all honesty, Seonghwa agrees.
Yeosang should be jealous.
Seonghwa knows that with their level of closeness, despite it being purely platonic, he would be jealous in Yeosang’s shoes.
Seonghwa knows Hongjoong better than Yeosang does.
Hongjoong says it himself.
He admits that Seonghwa knows him more than Yeosang does. His boyfriend doesn’t understand Hongjoong like Seonghwa understands him.
Seonghwa takes pride in that.
Seonghwa knows Hongjoong like the bottom of his pocket.
Hongjoong had two partners so far : Yeosang and his ex. Both times, Seonghwa felt like he was closer to Hongjoong than they were.
They might have become close to Hongjoong, but not in the way Seonghwa desires to be. They do not have the emotional bond Seonghwa seeks with Hongjoong.
Seonghwa believes he's still one step ahead of Yeosang.
Seonghwa might be delusional. He might not realize how close Yeosang and Hongjoong are, but he doesn't want to either.
Seonghwa prefers to ignore how this information could affect him. He doesn't let his brain have time to think about it. He immediately brushes the worries away.
He'd rather ignore it and live as if he was the only one for Hongjoong.
Seonghwa changes the subject, “I don't know if I should get attached and fully enjoy my friendships, or I should prepare myself for my friends to leave me.”
Hongjoong finishes his snack and doesn't look, but Seonghwa knows that he's listening carefully.
“If I get too attached and they leave me I'll be heartbroken.
“I'll be fine if I prepare myself to be left alone. However, that means I’m not able to fully enjoy my friendships.
“I'm stuck in this in-between and I just don't know what to do. What would you do in my place?”
Hongjoong thinks for a moment and says, “I don't know.”
“You don't?” repeats Seonghwa.
“I really have no idea.”
Seonghwa slumps on his seat. He's exhausted. Couples cause him a lot of problems emotionally. He constantly fights with the idea that couples are more important than friendships.
The fear is always present. The toxic afterthoughts follow him everywhere. He shuts them down every time they dare to sneak a peek at the surface. It's tiring. He wishes the fight to end. He wants to be happy in his relationships. Just like the time he believed Hongjoong and him were going to move in together.
Seonghwa ignores his feelings. He’s become used to the weight of carrying that toxicity. It's nothing different from usual. He shouldn't let himself be affected.
He knows friendship is as worthy as romantic relationships.
If he believes it, that's another story.
He asks, “How does this affect you? My problems and issues with couples and friendships.”
“It makes me feel a bit bad,” admits Hongjoong, “I don't want you to feel like that. I can't help being a people pleaser. I'm loyal to my friends.”
“That’s it?”
“Yeah.”
The convo stays with him. It follows him around for the next week.
Does that mean he doesn't have his place anymore? Does that mean he's gonna lose Hongjoong? Does it mean Hongjoong don't feel comfortable with growing closer to Seonghwa? Does it mean Hongjoong can't, won't, or don't wanna have this kind of relationship with him? Does that mean he wants to be this close only to his romantic partners?
But Hongjoong loves him…
Why?
It kills him.
He's had enough.
Seonghwa doesn't understand the world around him.
Is he bound to live heartbreaks after heartbreaks? Is he destined to be sad all the time?
People will never reciprocate his feelings, because people don't want that type of relationship.
Seonghwa is in deep shit.
He's so fucking sad.
He just wants to cry and cry and cry.
He wondered for all these years if Hongjoong would want that type of relationship with him, if he'd want to be in a QPR. He spent years and years being patient and waiting for them to grow closer and closer.
And with that one conversation,
Hongjoong destroyed it.
I won't always be there.
He doesn't want it. He doesn't want to keep that closeness. Seonghwa is going to lose him.
Seonghwa wants to cry. He wants to cry all the tears of his body. He wants to empty himself of the years of hope and disappointment. He wants to stop being so in love with Hongjoong, but he also doesn't want to stop loving him so much.
Hongjoong is his most important person.
And he just…
Seonghwa can't even cry. He can't even spill a tear.
There's just this pain in his chest inhabiting him.
There's this bit of hope that he misunderstood the message, that Hongjoong wanna get closer too, that he will let Seonghwa grow closer.
Seonghwa wants no distance between him and Hongjoong. He's ready to offer or give up everything for Hongjoong.
He's so fucking in love, but as a friend.
He doesn't wanna fuck Hongjoong He doesn't wanna kiss him senseless. He doesn't wanna touch him everywhere.
He just wanna be close to him.
Emotionally.
Maybe physically if it ends up there, but he doubts it.
Hongjoong is pretty. He's multi-skilled and talented. He's a selfless human being. He cares and does so much for the people around him. He's strong and courageous. He’s so admirable.
Seonghwa is a simp.
Seonghwa simps so hard.
He doesn't regret feeling like that towards Hongjoong.
It’s sad, but he never regrets it.
Seonghwa is just a sad soul. Cursed with pain. He's going to be forever alone.
A friendship like Hongjoong and Seonghwa share took years to build. They have known each other for almost a decade.
Hongjoong loves him very much.
Seonghwa loves him too.
Just…. Seonghwa has too much love to give. He has so much love to offer that he's just dying of pain.
He doesn't think he'll ever be able to get over Hongjoong.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
He can't help it.
What they have is so precious. It's so close to what Seonghwa wishes to have, but simply less affectionate and intimate. And without the partner privileges.
Seonghwa wants nothing more than Hongjoong to break up with Yeosang.
He wants to live in a world where Yeosang doesn't exist. Where it's only Hongjoong and Seonghwa. The two of them.
You and me.
He selfishly wants him back.