Chapter Text
“Aaron, open up!”
Aaron lets the tape gun clatter to the carpet at the sudden sound of banging on his door, his mission of packing up the kitchen abandoned. He reaches for his hip and is met with empty air. Right. He only wears the ankle holster these days, but not when he’s at home. The pounding resumes as he stalks over to the door. He looks through the peephole to see a red-faced Dave standing in his hallway. How did he get up here without buzzing?
Aaron barely has the door open an inch when Dave shoves past him into the apartment and rounds to face him with crossed arms.
“What were you thinking? I asked you to do one thing!” He yells as Aaron lets the door fall shut.
He had been anticipating some sort of confrontation about his impromptu visit, but not this level of anger. Aaron squares his shoulders and steps to the side to put the couch between them. Rossi scoffs and follows after. Aaron backs away to keep the distance between himself and the angry man, bumping his shin on the new coffee table.
“Ow. It was a moment of weakness, Dave. Can you really blame me?” Aaron says as he dips between two cardboard boxes to stand in the kitchen. Rossi is still following him.
“Stop running away from me, Aaron. As much as I want to, I’m not here to beat your ass,” Dave stops inches away from him, “I just want to make sure you understand something.”
Aaron drops his gaze, feeling like a naughty child in the face of Dave’s impending lecture.
“And what’s that?” He says to the floor.
“Unless he explicitly asks you, you are not to approach Spencer. You are not to call him. Do not text. Don’t check up on him, and certainly do not just show up at his apartment again.” Dave pokes a finger into his chest as he spits the last part and only then does Aaron look him in the eye.
He wants to be angry, to demand that Dave back off and let him decide the right thing to do. It was his relationship, after all. The only thing holding him back from lashing out at the older man is the memory of Spencer looking miserable and beaten down yesterday. The idea that he could have added to that in any way fills him with a guilt so turbulent it stops him in his tracks, but how else is this supposed to work? He needs to be able to see Spencer.
“How can you expect that from me? I am tearing myself apart worrying about him after what you’ve told me.” Aaron crosses his arms, and Dave mirrors him.
“You know nothing about worrying, Aaron, nothing at all,” Dave says, voice hard.
Aaron had been begging for understanding, but it's clear now he will not be finding any here.
“He’s all I think about, Dave” Aaron pleads.
This only fans the flames of Dave’s anger. He uncrosses his arms to take Aarons shoulder in his hands as he speaks in a low tone, maintaining pointed eye contact.
“I came to you and told you how scared I was of his situation. I explained to you how precarious his head is right now, and how much support he has needed. Yet, you still took it upon yourself to barge back into his life like an ambush? Do you have any idea what state I found him in?”
The shame brings stinging tears to his eyes. He has to close his eyes to avoid looking at Dave. He feels sick imagining it.
“Tell me,” Aaron whispers.
“No. He begged me not to,” Dave shakes his head sadly, his anger subsiding to a degree, “Despite everything that has happened, do you know what upsets him the most these days? What really sends him over the edge every time?”
Aaron opens his eyes and shakes his head, too choked up to use his voice.
“He’s worried to death what you think of him—more than anyone else. He thinks you’ll never be able to see him the same, and that you are going to reject him.”
“That's not true.” Aaron chokes.
“I know, Aaron,” Dave pats his shoulder, anger dimming away completely, “Until he figures that out, you have to stay away.”
“Do you think he will? Figure it out?”
“There’s no way to know.” Dave says with a sad shrug of his shoulders.
Dave’s words are like ice in Aaron’s heart. He’s been using the hope of making things right with Spencer as the last stilt to hold his head up since he’s been out of WITSEC. He thought he would have Jack, but it’s feeling more and more like he’ll never come around to liking him. He certainly won’t if Spencer never speaks to him again. He has been foolishly holding on to the idea that fixing things with Spencer will fix every other thing he’s ruined, bring back a purpose to his life, and right his many wrongs. He might be waiting for something that will never come.
“Dave was I too late?” His voice is a desperate whisper, breath coming too quickly to have any volume to it.
“Too late for what?”
Aaron has to take a second to take a steadying breath and blink the tears from his eyes before he can speak.
“I left the bureau because I knew it was taking too much from my life, and I had to do better. I let it take my marriage. I let it take Jack’s mother. I let it take…me—so much of my time I’ll never get back. I thought I was finally doing the right thing, but Jack hates me, Spencer can’t even think about me, and I have no identity anymore. Did I wait too long? Is it all just done?”
Dave’s eyes widen as the words rush out of him. He grabs Aaron’s shoulders once more and squeezes.
“Hey, listen to me. You can’t think like that. You’re still doing the right thing. It just takes time. You were gone for a long time Aaron and you haven’t truly been out of that life long enough to see the difference it’s making.”
Time, time, time. That’s all anything ever takes. Aaron was sick of waiting around and hoping for his fortune to change.
“I just want my life back, Dave. I had something good” the words come out in the kind of sobs he usually saves for the middle of the night when Jack wouldn’t be awake to hear him. He brings his hands up to cover his face and Rossi must take pity on him because he pulls Aaron in and pats his back in slow circles.
“Be patient. You can have something good again.”
The reminder brings another strangled noise out of him.
“I don’t want it if it’s not him.”
“That’s not up to you. You have to prepare yourself for the possibility it could be a very long time,” Dave says softly.
He’s clearly trying to tread lightly on the line of being honest enough with Aaron to keep him away, but gentle enough to not send him to the depths of despair. Aaron isn’t sure if it’s working. He’ll stay away, sure. If that’s what it takes to not bring him any further harm, then there was no other alternative. He wouldn’t hurt him again, even if it meant resigning himself to an indefinite exposure to the cruel and amorphous grief of missing him.
“I’ll wait, I will. It doesn’t matter how long,” Aaron whispers in resignation.
***
God. What was he doing?
It was another hard case. Another night he was sneaking into Spencer’s hotel room and hoping that no one ran into him in the hallway to question what he was up to. He hadn’t even needed to knock and wait for entry before he slinked into the dark room. They had been doing this for so long Spencer had started slipping him the extra key to his room at the beginning of cases.
Spencer was a lump under the scratchy motel quilt in the center of the bed, defined only by the shadows cast by the dim moonlight from the nearby window. He was already asleep. Aaron toed off his shoes and slacks and climbed in with him in just his boxers and undershirt. He didn’t stir as Aaron crowded into his space.
It should have bothered him. He was half naked with another man in bed. He wasn’t even surprised when he pulled Spencer close to him and found him to also be in a state of half dress—no shirt, just a pair of pajama pants.
Aaron wasn’t into men. He liked the heat of his sleep-warmed skin. He felt a flutter in his stomach when Spencer rolled into him with a contented sigh, not ever waking. The tension of the day melted away with every puff of air exhaled on his neck.
There was nothing unusual about the way their friendship had progressed. So what if he had slept dreamlessly through the night and clutched the other man the entire time? It didn’t matter that he had woken to Spencer drawing lazy patterns on his scalp that had made him have goosebumps.
If they had locked eyes in the early morning light and lunged for each other's mouths with no care for the morning breath or the consequences, then that was fine.
It was just what he had needed.
***
Rossi gives him two more pats on the back and releases him. Aaron turns away to grab a paper towel and leans against the sink to blot the dampness off of his face and blow his nose. Dave inhales like he is about to say something again, but he is interrupted by the buzzer chiming.
“Shit, that’s Jack.” Aaron says as he drops the paper towel into the sink.
He stalks over to the digital buzzer and see’s Tommy’s mom with Jack waiting outside the door. He buzzes them in and wipes at his face, hoping he doesn’t look like a complete mess. Dave gives him a half hearted thumbs up.
Aaron opens the door and steps aside so Jack can trudge into the apartment with his overnight bag. He freezes when he notices Dave standing in the Kitchen. After exchanging awkward pleasantries and thanking Tommy’s mom for dropping him off, he closes the door and turns to the duo.
”Hey kiddo! You’re growing like a weed,” Dave says, overly chipper.
Jack looks between Dave and Aaron with a skeptical expression. He shrugs his backpack off of his shoulder and hesitantly puts it at his feet. Aaron tries to exude calm and casual, but the tiny furrow of Jack’s brow means he definitely notices how upset he is.
“What’s going on?” Jack asks, eyes narrowed at Dave.
Aaron clears his throat, still hoarse. Jack’s gaze flicks back to him.
“Nothing, bud. Uncle Dave was just stopping by to say hello.”
”Liar.” He rounds on Dave, “Are you trying to make him go back to work with you?”
Dave blinks in surprise at the conclusion Jack’s jumped to.
”Woah there, hot shot. That’s not what your dad and I were discussing at all.”
”Then what’s wrong? Is there another freak after us?” Jack asks, as he crosses his arms across himself in a defensive posture.
Aaron crosses to stand next to him and puts a hand on his shoulder. He hadn’t been aware of how triggering Dave’s presence would be for him. He’d been to JJ’s to see the boys and seemed fine, but something about Dave’s authority must be putting him on edge.
“No, Jack, it's nothing like that. We are safe, everything is fine,” Aaron says, attempting to reassure him, “Dave and I were just arguing, but it’s nothing to do with you or the FBI. There’s nothing to worry about.”
He relaxes minutely, but squints up at him. The look reminds him of the one a certain someone gets when he’s mentally running the variables of a case.
“Were you arguing about Spencer?”
It’s not a huge mental leap for him to make. Jack had seen him cry over Spencer a few days ago at dinner. His son is smart and empathetic enough to be able to glean what verbal barb will hurt Aaron the most at any given moment. He honestly should have been expecting him to land dead center on the target when it came to reading between the lines of what he was being told.
He’s been trying to reckon with the guilt over Spencer’s current state with even himself. He has no idea how to explain it to Jack in a way that he will understand, but won’t scare him or make him hate Aaron further. After Dave ripped him a new one, he’s certainly in no condition to try and do it now.
He shakes his head, at a loss for words.
“Jack…” Aaron pleads.
”What’s the big fucking deal?,” Jack bites, shaking himself out of Aaron’s hold, “Why can’t you just go back to how it was before?”
Despite the anticipation of something like this coming out of his mouth, Aaron turns away like he has been slapped. He hears Dave’s sharp inhale as he scrubs a hand over his face. He can’t take any more anger directed at him.
”Young man, first of all—enough of that language,” Rossi cuts in.
Aaron realizes he didn’t even clock the swear word, too overwhelmed. He sits on the arm of the couch and lets Dave take the reins. Jack’s posture exudes nothing but bristling venom, and far be it from Aaron to take whatever attack he is brewing. Dave could have fun with that.
“Second of all, give your dad a break. If this situation were really so simple, do you honestly think your dad wouldn’t move heaven and earth to make you happy? These things are hard and take time, Jack”
”Just because Spencer hates dad, doesn’t mean he has to hate me too,” Jack huffs.
Aaron winces. Seems he will still be caught in the crossfire regardless of whether or not he’s involved.
”Spencer doesn’t hate either of you. I don’t appreciate you being a dick on purpose, young man. He had a tough run of it while the two of you were away and it’s not something he can just bounce back from overnight. Try and understand that.”
”Well guess whose fault it is for leaving, then?” Jack yells before promptly stomping out of the kitchen and down the hall to his room.
Dave stares at Aaron slack jawed as the two men listen to the sound of Jack’s bedroom door slamming. Whose indeed, Aaron thinks to himself with a sad shake of his head.
”My god, Aaron. He’s something from hell,” Dave exhales, dumbfounded.
“Yeah, welcome to my world,” he sighs.