Chapter Text
Yelena. June 2nd, 2024.
Kate is unhappy.
They are watching sex and the city and Yelena is always amused by it; she feels safe, here, wears Kate’s clothes, snuggles with her under a duvet that Kate has haphazardly thrown across them, they are eating Pizza from the place downstairs that Kate likes so much, and Yelena is the closest thing to content that she’s been for a very long time.
But Kate is not. Not even close.
Yelena finds herself sitting there, watching Kate, and something in her gut twists. There is no usual comfort of familiarity, a feeling she has gotten used to when she is interacting with Kate. Because Kate is always so easy to understand, so open , even when she does not want to be, and it is impossible for Yelena to miss the signs. Kate wears her feelings like a flag, every emotion etched in her expression, her posture, the way she moves, the way she breathes. The first time they met, Yelena had been able to see it clearly: Kate had a way of holding herself, of throwing herself into everything with that eager, unrestrained energy. It made her an open book, and Yelena had read her so easily, and she thrives off knowing that, of all the people in the world, this woman, her Hawkeye, is the only one who willingly lets Yelena read her in this way.
Only now……the widow is at a complete loss. Because now, Kate is laughing at things but it is not that warm, genuine sound that makes her chet flutter, and now Kate is quieter, smaller, as if some vital part of her is hidden behind a wall that Yelena can’t break down, no matter how hard she tries. It leaves her feeling like she’s fumbling in the dark, grasping for something she used to hold so naturally. She knows
something
is wrong, but she can’t quite find it. She can’t figure out what it is, and that confusion gnaws at her insides.
Since when did Hawkeye’s need an instruction manual?
They’re Archers, Yelena. They know what they’re doing and they are always going to wear their hearts on their sleeves. Your job is to know when they’re hiding behind that general positivity.
Yelena curses Natasha’s lingering voice, because that is exactly what is happening now, but what her sister did not tell her is what to do when this happens. She did not say what to do when your Hawkeye shuts down and they think you have not noticed.
She does not like this.
She does not like being unable to read Kate, to see her heart the way she always has, the way she does with everyone else. She prides herself on understanding people. It’s what she does. But Kate is……trying to stop her from doing it, and it is going to drive her crazy.
Yelena bites the inside of her cheek. What did Clint say to her? What could possibly have broken through that cheerful, stubborn exterior and made Kate look... like this? No, the last time Kate looked so miserable was when they were fighting, and she is not pleased to know that someone else has hurt Kate in this way.
It’s not just confusion she feels, it’s fear too. A fear she knows well but refuses to face. She does not want to think about it, because it is difficult to allow herself to remember the ways that she has seen this before; she has seen widows, one after the other, who lose their fight, and she will not watch Kate lose hers.
Maybe it is a little dramatic. Still, her chest tightens at the idea that she could lose Kate, and not for the first time does she think that she could not bear to lose Kate. The only alternative is to try and talk to her; but Kate has been deflecting conversation all night, and Yelena does not think that prying will help.
But she cannot sit here and just do nothing; cannot sit back, in Kate’s apartment, wearing Kate’s clothes and snuggled into Kate’s sofa, absorbing everything that helps her to feel safe and seen, while Kate is silently struggling and doing nothing about it. That would be selfish, and Yelena is becoming very sick of being selfish, and she will not just sit here and watch the crash that could be prevented if she could get the hell over herself and just try to work it out.
She pauses Kate’s netflix and turns to look at her properly. "You are angry."
Kate’s snort is half-hearted, but it’s clear that she does not buy the lie she’s trying to tell herself. She does not even really try so hard to tell it, does not control her tone or the look of frustration and something else that dances across her face for a moment before she responds. "I’m not."
"You are unhappy," Yelena presses. "You cannot hide it from me, Маленький ястреб.”
Kate gives her a little smile, but it’s hollow. Yelena's eyes narrow, and that feeling that something is wrong hits her even harder.
It is strange that Kate would really try so hard to stick with her story. She does not correct what she has said and she does not respond to Yelena’s proding. She deflects, makes a joke about having ‘a pretty blonde in her apartment’ and distantly, Yelena wonders if she is having a negative effect on Kate, in teaching her how to avoid things she does not want to talk about.
Perhaps it is supremely selfish, to expect Kate to do something that she very rarely does herself, but Yelena cannot bring herself to care. She needs to know what is wrong, she has to fix it; she cannot handle seeing Kate in pain and not being able to help.
"Do not flatter me," Yelena responds, the words slipping out before she can stop them, a hint of a pout forming. Still, she feels her face warm and Kate just smirks at her, the tension easing from her shoulders just slightly.
“You love it.” Kate winks. “Come on, Lena, unpause the show.”
Kate is putting up a good fight to not talk about whatever it is, but Yelena has a pretty good idea that Clint Barton is responsible, and she will be damned if she allows him to hurt another person in her life who matters as much as Kate does.
“If it was Barton…I can think of many ways to make him regret it.”
Kate shakes her head, but tears immediately begin welling in her eyes, and suddenly Yelena’s heart is thumping so loudly that she thinks it might burst out of her chest. There is something about seeing Kate like this, so broken, that makes her want to lash out, to protect her from whatever it is that has her so hurt. It is not a feeling that she is unused to, but lately, it is becoming increasingly more active when Kate is involved; an overwhelming need to keep her safe that she should, but does not try, to control.
What is strange is that she was right about it being Barton.
Kate worships the ground he walks on. Why would she be so worked up because of something that he said? It must have been very bad, and Yelena will not just sit here and do nothing about it.
Offering comfort has never been her strength. Yelena knows that, and has known it for a long time. She is not good at this, at soothing others, Gods, she is not even good at soothing herself; can never quite control the anger, the stress and the tension and all of the things that the red room has forced her into becoming but this is Kate Bishop. And she has wiggled her way into Yelena’s life and Yelena could, she could sit by and watch Kate unravel and maybe in some ways it would be easier. Maybe she would not have to be vulnerable, maybe it would be simpler to let Kate destroy everything and just sit back and watch, pershaps she could say that Kate was not telling her the truth and refused to be honest and that she felt she needed to leave before things became any worse.
If she allowed her training to kick in, it is exactly what she would do.
But that is just what it is. Training. It is not in control of her, even if it is a large piece of who she has become, and she is in control of her mind and body now. Not a mind control serum, not Drekov, and certainly not her fear that begs her to run when given a change.
No, she cares too much about Kate Bishop to watch her struggle and not help; and she has watched Kate’s annoying, often-too-bright presence and became something that Yelena slowly learned to appreciate, something that has pulled at the parts of Yelena that she didn't know she could still feel. The quiet affection Kate gives, the trust she offers, makes Yelena crave it. She has never known comfort like this, not the way Kate gives it, without strings, without expectations. It’s strange to feel this tug, this pull to be closer, but it’s there, tangled up in her chest like a knot that refuses to loosen.
So if Kate can selflessly offer herself to Yelena, then Yelena can try to be there for Kate now, even if offering comfort is strange and awkward and makes her feel a little bit pathetic. Deep down, she wonders if maybe she is trying so hard because she needs Kate to stay close rather than it being entirely in an effort to help Kate feel better.
Or maybe it is both. She is not entirely sure she knows the difference anymore.
Her mind is distracted, but Kate is still here; still sobbing, hiding her face in her hands and Yelena decides to stop thinking about what she should do and just to do it. Her arms wrap around Kate instinctively, pulling her in. She is careful, tentative, because she does not know how far to push, how far might be too far; how far she is willing to go outside of her own comfort zone in the name of helping.
Conversely, she also does not want to overwhelm Kate, so she is gentle in her movements, recalling all the times that she sobbed on Natasha’s shoulder after they reunited and Natasha held her like this until the tears dried up and she fell asleep on her sister.
She had a good teacher.
Silently, she whispers a thank you to Natasha and it does not sting like it usually would.
“I’m s-so sorry.” Kate whimpers. “I j-just-”
Yelena traces a gentle, slow circle on Kate’s back, whispering in quiet Russian that slips out before she can stop it. "Don’t be sorry, Маленький ястреб." Yelena assures quickly. “I am not angry.”
Kate’s body is shaking harder now, and Yelena feels the tremors through her own skin. She’s pressed into her, face hidden in Yelena’s neck, her sobs muffled but still painful to hear. And Yelena… and every time she has felt so broken like this, her mind has always returned to Kate, recently, and she feels that agony deep in her chest like it is a part of her.
"I can’t… I can’t tell you what he said. It’s not fair. And I’m trying to protect you, Yelena… I don’t want you to hate me." Kate’s voice trembles, hoarse and muffled, and Yelena’s chest tightens at the words.
So they were talking about her.
Perhaps Barton has decided that she is not good enough to spend time with Kate.
Yelena’s chest tightens at the thought and she inhales slowly, trying to steady herself. Yelling will not help, but Gods does she want to; she wants to scream and hit something until the anger in her body melts away, but she cannot do that now.
Because Kate is genuinely terrified of her reaction, and Yelena refuses to give into her emotions and allow them to dominate her actions. It is not fair to Kate. She does not want to hurt Kate more than she already is hurting.
"You are notoriously hard to hate, Kate Bishop," Yelena says, her voice low but firm. "But you do not need to protect me. You never have. You do not get to decide for me what I can handle. It is my responsibility, yes?"
She feels Kate’s gaze on her, red eyes filled with confusion and guilt, and for a moment, Yelena wonders if she is being too harsh. She does not mean to be, but it is true; Kate keeping things from her is not likely to make things easier.
Kate finally lifts her head, looking at Yelena with wide, pleading eyes. "N-no, Yelena, you have… you have to promise." Her voice cracks, and it’s a crack that Yelena feels all the way down to her bones. She thinks that Kate’s words could cut deeper than any blade; and it would be a very different kind of pain, something that maybe she would not know how to recover from
But Kate would never hurt her. It is why she is so torn up now. “Kate Bishop, I-”
"Please."
"Fine," Yelena whispers, her voice tight. "I promise not to get angry. But you must tell me the truth." She doesn’t know if she means it as much as she wants to, because a part of her wonders if it is bad enough for her to be very angry, like perhaps Kate agreed to stay away from the big scary black widow assassin because her mentor said so, and she is overwhelmed by the fear that she will have agreed to something only for Kate to throw that promise back in her face along with her fragile heart.
She has never broken a promise, though, and she will not start now.
Kate, it seems, has not decided how to explain what she is thinking. "I just... if it was me , I keep asking myself if you'd say something, you know? But I don’t know, Sunshine, I don’t know if you would and I can’t work it out and I’d want to know, but I don’t know what to say or how I’m supposed to say it and-”
Kate’s words break off into frantic sobs, and Yelena can feel the panic rising. Kate is so emotional that Yelena fears she will pass out if she does not calm down, and later she will reflect on why her immediate reaction is to cup Kate’s cheek in her hand and press their foreheads together, forcing Kate to look at her.
“Focus on me, Маленький ястреб. Let me help. Breathe, Kate. Slow down." Yelena whispers. “You are safe here and I am not angry, so please, calm down.”
Slowly, Kate’s breathing evens out, but Yelena can tell it’s still a battle. Her tears ease and she does not move; sits there with her head pressed against Yelena’s until the widow shuffles back a little to look at her properly.
“Alright. Um…okay. I just….”
“You do not need to rush.” Yelena assures. “And if you really do not want to tell me, you do not have to.”
“I’m f-flattered that you trust m-me, but I believe in communicating. I d-don’t want t-to lie to you.” Kate responds through shallow breaths.
Yelena holds Kate’s hands in hers and traces patterns on her wrist. “Okay. Concentrate on me and breathe slowly while you speak, I do not want you to pass out because this is not very cool and i think that you would be embarrassed.”
Kate grins, a watery grin that meets her eyes enough to ease the pain in them. Yelena is a little proud of herself. “You….you remember I said that
Kate takes in a sharp, shaky breath and sits up a little, grabbing Yelena’s hands with her larger once and tracing gentle patterns on her wrists. “Okay. Okay. Um…..Clint’s been working on this…..this assignment for a couple weeks now. There was that girl, Monica, remember I said-”
“Yes.” Yelena interrupts. “She is stuck in space and they want to save her.”
“Right. So…..they c-called Wanda in to help. They needed her magic for the portal and while ... .while she was there…..” Kate trails off. “I don’t know if I can-”
“You are doing well, Маленький ястреб.” Yelena assures gently. It is not easy to comfort people, but for Kate is happens very naturally, so she allows it to, focuses on helping Kate feel better instead of scaring herself.
“Okay. So…..Wanda went through the portal and…..she said she thinks that…..that she found Natasha’s soul.”
Yelena listens as Kate’s words hang in the air, a weight she doesn’t want to catch, but can’t avoid. Natasha’s soul. The words swirl around her like an endless echo. They don’t make sense. Not really. Her mind stalls, unable to grasp it fully, because what does she mean, Natasha’s soul?
Her instant reaction is to rip her hands away but to do so might break her Hawkeye, and Kate is torn up enough, she does not need to add insult to injury, that would be cruel, and now she understands why Kate did not want to say anything, why she would feel torn between hiding the truth, for fear of Yelena’s feelings, or telling her anyway and maybe making it worse.
Her heart does this strange thing, it stops, then pounds, then stops again, faster this time, so fast that she feels like she might throw up.
“What do you mean?” Yelena snaps, her tone sharper than she means for it to be, but who is she supposed to be angry with, in this situation? Wanda, for leaving and not returning and not even bothering to say hello? Clint Barton, who has thrown her Hawkeye into the deep end with no concern over what could happen as a result? Or Kate, the person who is trying to balance the weight of worlds on her shoulders?
It is not fair.
Losing people is not fair and she does not understand why they would tell Kate that Natasha’s soul is in space.
““I mean... they think they can bring her back. Clint... he left me with this. I... I didn’t know what to do.” Kate blurts. “Because….because how could I tell you that? How do I tell you that they think maybe they can bring her back? What if they’re wrong, what if they can’t? And what if they’re right, and you find out I let you keep mourning someone who they were bringing home? I’d hate myself for it, Yelena, but what the hell am I supposed to do?”
She feels a coldness creep up her spine, a chill that has nothing to do with the temperature of the room. Her chest tightens painfully, as though her ribcage is being squeezed from the inside. Her breath is caught somewhere between shock and disbelief, and for a moment, Yelena can’t bring herself to say anything.
Kate’s face crumples like this exactly what she was terrified of but Yelena thinks that she might be in a state of shock, because she is here, and her heart is beating, but she is sure that she is losing her mind.
She wants to scream, to demand an explanation, It is not possible, she tells herself, over and over. Natasha is gone. And she has been gone for 6 years, and this cannot be undone. If they could bring Natasha back, the world would be full of returned lives. Tony would be here. Steve. So many others. But they are not. They are gone. And if Natasha can’t come back, then the thought of someone who will attempt to try?
It makes her both blindingly angry and painfully sad, the two emotions so conflicting that they might tear her apart from the inside out.
But then there is Kate. Kate who cares so much that she was afraid to lie and afraid to be honest. Kate knows how much she loved Natasha and how much she always will, and is afraid to hurt her. Kate is clinging to this possibility because she wants to fix things. She wants to make it better. She wants to give Yelena something to hold onto, to make the unbearable pain of losing Natasha into something less, and maybe this means more to her than the agony of hearing that they think Natasha could come home.
“Kate.” Yelena finally manages to speak, but she is not sure that it is much better than her silence because Kate flinches and she bites her lip until she draws blood as she tries to word her response. “Thank you.”
“W-what?” Kate blurts.
“I just….you are honest with me, and I cannot ask you for anything less. It is more likely that Clint wants to believe they can bring her home, but it is not very likely to happen. Natasha has been dead for a long time.”
“He said something about……about Wanda casting a certain spell that can bring her soul back to her body. But they need the portal to get to the location where her body is, and…..if Wanda’s here? It sounds plausible, and I don’t really know what to believe.”
Yelena swallows. This is insanity, and there is no way Clint is being honest.
But what if he is?
What if this was her chance to make up for what happened when she did not fight to protect her sister enough last time? What if finally, she can make up for the years that she lost and the regret that will never leave her, what if the could have been are now reality and she does not need to live in the past?
“Okay. If you believe him….then I trust you.”
“You do?”
“Да. I do not trust Clint Barton, but I trust in you, and if you believe it is possible, then we will do it together. I did not protect Natasha before, and I could not save her. And if she comes home, I want to tell her that I was there, fighting.” Yelena says, slowly.
“You don’t hate me?” Kate whispers.
“Nothing you have said will make me leave you, Kate. I promise.” Yelena murmurs, and maybe she is telling herself more than she is telling her Hawkeye, but Kate just grabs her shoulders and hugs her, so tightly, does not let go and Yelena lets her.
She lets a great many things happen when Kate Bishop is involved, but this one she enjoys. It is comforting and soothing and she has still not fully grasped Kate’s words, and she has not allowed herself to be overwhelmed by hope, but there is a shimmer of the traitorous emotion that spreads through her mind as they sit there in the silence.
Right now, it is just a story from Barton.
Tomorrow she will research. Will interrogate. Will kick Barton’s ass to next week for hurting her Hawkeye. Will track down Wanda and demand an explanation and demand to be allowed to help.
But today is not that day.
“I’m sorry.” Kate says. “I shouldn’t have made it about me, it’s just that this week has been hell. You weren’t here and I’m injured and I’m off assignments and that….it just….”
“It is okay, Kate. You do not need to explain to me." Yelena assures.
She does not want to say that she wishes Kate had kept silent, even for a moment longer, because Kate is right, she would be offended that Kate was not honest, but now this feels like it is tearing a hole through her heart and she is not sure of what to do to make it better, and the fact that Kate would care so deeply about someone she knows nothing about, simply because that person matters to Yelena……it means the world to her.
“Do you….do you need-”
“I never really talk to you about my sister.” Yelena whispers, and Kate immediately raises her eyebrows; moves the sofa cushions around and adjusts her position and Yelena isn’t sure how to sit, how to be, to just be here with Kate and let her presence ease the agony that her words have caused. “Do you want to hear about her?”
“I…..I would love to.” Kate blurts.
Yelena leans back against the Archer and Kate wraps her arms around her. Her eyes are puffy and red but she is still the most beautiful woman that Yelena has ever seen. She holds onto Yelena like she is the only person in the world that matters. One day, Yelena would like to tell Kate that she is the only person who will ever matter.
Concentrating on Kate, it seems, helps her to not bawl her eyes out when she starts speaking.
“She is annoying.” Yelena murmurs, fiddles with the strings on Kate’s hoodie as she speaks. “The most stubborn person in the entire world. She is a little shorter than me, just a little, but it is most important 0.596 inches in the world to me. And she has red hair to match her temper. She gets angry like a firework, suddenly exploding, and then it goes away and she is happy again.”
“She sounds like a pretty awesome big sister.” Kate whispers, kisses her forehead from the position where Yelena is now laying on Kate’s larger form almost entirely.
“She was. When we were small, she tried to protect me very often. When we were older….I did not see her for many years in the red room. Only once, on my 13th birthday. She waved hello to me across the hallway and I pretended that I did not know her.”
“Why?” Kate asks gently.
“To have a weakness in the red room is like falling on your own knife. It is dangerous to be seen as ‘friendly’ with anyone, but Natasha was too smart. She ran away and she was free and Drekov punished all of us as a result. And then she tried to save us and could not. Natasha is selfless, and she will give everything if the thinks she is doing the right thing. I did not like her for it.”
“What makes you say that?” Kate says.
“Because I do not care how many people she helps, she is still my sister. She is still gone. And she chose to save them instead of coming home to help me. I was small, and I was trapped in my own mind, and I thought she had betrayed me. And then she helped me to save them all, and I got my sister back.”
“Natasha sounds kinda complicated.” Kate admits. “But I can see why you love her.”
“She is big pain in the ass.” Yelena grumbles. “She will tease you and poke you and she will not give you space. She is smarter than a lot of people and she is a good teacher. She taught me how to shoot knives at a target. I never miss.”
“Ah. I have her to thank for your terrifying aim.” Kate mutters. “Great.”
“She was in love with Wanda and I never saw her this happy in my entire life as when they are together. I do not believe in people who are ‘made for each other’ but for them I believe it.” Yelena continues, and now she cannot stop; every piece of Natasha that she has kept locked in her brain spills out for Kate to learn, and the Archer gives her undivided attention.
“That is adorable.” Kate grins.
“Wanda told me she would not come home because to see places that Natasha has been and not to see Natasha is too difficult.” Yelena whispers. “I did not understand when she left, but now I do. It is hard to be anywhere that Natasha has touched.”
Kate nods in understanding, squeezes Yelena a little tighter and Yelena tries to fight the tears that threaten to spill. “She does not like our mama and papa so much, cannot forgive them for what they did, not properly, but she comes to Christmas because I am there and she loves me. She always says “dammit” in such an American way that I have to tease her because she is such a poser. And I hate it when she does her hair flicky thing. It is not cool.”
“Oh, the black widow pose?” Kate snorts. “I kinda liked it.”
“Do not tell her this, if you meet her. She will get a big head.” Yelena rolls her eyes. “She likes compliments and she showed me what Sex and the City was and she made me macaroni and cheese every night for a week because she knew I missed my home when I was freed. She has 30 minute showers and she is an expert at hide and seek, and she likes old people music, she will not listen to any of the things that you like. She does not like to watch new things, she will just continue to re-watch the same old things over and over until you want to kill her. And she……”
Yelena trails off, unsure of whether or not to tell Kate this.
“You don’t have to keep going, but I’m listening.” Kate assures.
“She told me I would one day meet you.” Yelena whispers. She looks down at her feet and Lucky is asleep there, and Kate looks entirely confused. She does not blame her. “Because she said that Hawkeye’s need their widow, and a widow needs their hawkeye. It is our sister thing. We are weird.”
“I’m glad she can predict the future.” Kate smiles, and she has new tears in her eyes. “She sounds pretty fucking incredible.”
“She was.” Yelena murmurs. “And if…..if they are telling the truth and they can bring her home, she will like you. I know she will. And I love her, I do not want her to think that I forget she existed when she left us. You will have to put up with me, Kate Bishop, I will keep talking about until it does not hurt anymore because I cannot help bring her home when it hurts so much.”
“I’m here for whatever you need, Sunshine.” Kate promises. “And you know I’m always going to be.”
Yelena does know that. And for a change, the idea of someone being in her life forever….it is something she both craves and is afraid off, all at once. She begins talking about Natasha then and she does not stop; and later, when Kate carries her up to her room and tucks her into bed, she finds that talking about Natasha has helped, somewhat.
At least, it is not so unbearably painful to think of her now, has been eased so much by Kate sharing that burden with her, and none of it would have happened at all if Kate Bishop had not insisted on telling her even though it was hard, and she will thank Kate Bishop and her undying loyalty and her beautiful honesty for everything that has become of them, now and for as long as they are friends.