Work Text:
(Josh's POV)
It wouldn’t surprise Josh that, if he ended up in the hospital again, it would be because he’d gone completely and utterly insane.
Since his relapse on Tuesday, the boys hadn’t left him alone.
It had only been four days since it happened, but it had been four, very, very long days.
If he spent so much as longer than ten minutes in the bathroom at any opportunity, there would be a quiet knock on the door he wasn’t allowed to lock and a gentle, ‘Josh, you okay in there?’
It was enough to drive Josh up the wall, so he’d resorted to setting himself a five-minute timer so the boys never came knocking, so they stopped getting quite so nervous as the time got closer and closer to the ten-minute mark, so they stopped getting quite so nervous when Josh still didn’t show. A five-minute shower was never enough to decompress, or to wash away the regret that stained his skin; a five-minute shower was all he allowed himself because of the mistakes he’d made.
(and after every shower, whoever was with him at the time had to put on a clean bandage, had to check his arms and his wrists for new cuts – all of the trust Josh had forged between himself and his friends had gone completely, faded out of existence with the blink of an eye. Sometimes, Josh wished he’d fade out of existence too).
He also wasn’t allowed to sleep on his own anymore, just in case.
(not that he minded that part, honestly. As of late, he loved having someone lying next to him, loved having someone close enough to cuddle up to – and Harry never stopped sleeping in Josh’s bed when he stayed over before, so nothing had really changed in that regard).
And yet… and yet it broke Josh’s heart.
He got it. He did. He truly got it, because had it been any of the other boys, Josh would have done exactly the same thing, but… but they were suffocating. He didn’t get a moment to himself anymore and it was driving him crazy.
He was snappier than usual too, and it wasn’t something he was proud of.
(his wrist hurt, the cuts burned where he’d torn himself open, and he had to sit through the humiliation of having one of the boys change his bandages for him while Josh sat there, eyes firmly closed, his cheeks fiery red with shame).
But he couldn’t take his frustrations out on them. He couldn’t.
It was his fault, after all. If he’d have just called someone like he’d promised. If he’d have just held on. If he’d have just NOT fucking cut himself…
Fuck.
***
On Tuesday, the day he relapsed, Simon never left his side, and they spent the rest of the day, and the night, together, keeping each other company, keeping each other safe.
***
On Wednesday, Ethan came over in the morning after sending Simon home. Josh knew immediately that Simon had told the group, because the look Ethan gave Josh the moment they were alone… it was enough to fill Josh’s eyes with tears, enough for a lump the size of Jupiter to form at the back of his throat.
‘Hey,’ Ethan said quietly.
‘Hi,’ Josh managed to croak out.
They cuddled on the sofa, basked in each other’s company like otters and talked nonsense until JJ arrived later that day.
The man ordered in some food, gently coaxing Josh into eating more than his usual fill, before Josh retreated up for a shower; JJ waited in Josh’s bedroom with fresh bandages and a blank look on his face. Josh had sat on the end of his bed, hating himself while JJ tended to the fresh cuts and wrapped them up, hating how JJ could see how deeply Josh’s hatred of himself ran – hating how Josh had brought everything, and everyone, back to fucking square one.
***
On Thursday morning, Vik turned up early to take Josh out for a hike.
Josh talked – Josh talked a lot – and Vik simply listened.
‘I don’t… I’m not going to kill myself you know?’ Josh said quietly, squelching through the thick mud, turning around half way and offering his hand to Vik who struggled to keep up with Josh’s larger steps. Vik grabbed onto Josh’s hand with a little smile and they walked the rest of the muddy path hand in hand, Josh at the front, slowly guiding Vik forward. ‘I didn’t have that in mind on Tuesday. In fact, it was… it was the furthest thing from on my mind. I just… I needed to…’
‘You just need to feel something?’ Vik finished for him, a question, and also an answer.
Josh adored that about him, about Vik. Vik always gave people the time, the space, and the safety, to talk freely about whatever was on their minds.
‘Yeah. Yeah. I didn’t like what I was feeling, and… and cutting? That’s, that’s familiar. It… it’s safe, to a degree.’ Josh shook his head with a bitter laugh. ‘God, I sound fucking insane right now.’
‘No,’ Vik said almost immediately. ‘Not insane.’ He squeezed Josh’s hand, and when they made it to the other side of the mud, Vik didn’t let go. ‘Just human. You sound human.’
Inside the rotting cavities of Josh’s chest, his heart warmed, as if a tribe somewhere had stoked a dwindling fire.
‘As a fundamental state of being, when we feel threatened, or uncomfortable, or, or lost, we turn back to what feels safe, to what feels familiar,’ Vik explained. ‘For you? That’s… that’s the cutting, and the self-harm.’
Josh tried to focus on the birdsong all around them, on the way Vik held his hand, firm but soft, and warm, so fucking warm.
‘And that’s… that’s nothing to be ashamed of, Josh. You did what all humans do. It… it’s okay, yeah? It’s nothing to be ashamed of.’ Vik turned left at a fork in the path and they wandered further into the woods. ‘I just hope that one day we can create something else that makes you feel safe. I know the tapping, and the boxing, and the ice, are there for when the urge comes, but I don’t think we’ve come up with something that makes you feel inexplicably safe yet.’ He turned his head to look at Josh, and Josh… Josh fucking melted at the innocence that still resided there, even after everything Josh had ever said or done that, to any other person in the world, would have taken away that innocence in a heartbeat. ‘Does… does that sound about right?’
All Josh could do was nod, completely and utterly tongue tied.
‘And I meant what I said at the hospital by the way,’ Vik carried on. ‘You don’t have to say anything, not if you don’t want to, but just remember that we’re here, that we’re here and that we’re not going anywhere.’
Josh stopped walking.
Vik waited patiently by his side, his head cocked to the side like a curious dog. ‘Okay?’
And Josh hugged him, hugged him so tight he feared that, for a moment, he was going to crush Vik’s ribs.
Harry stayed over that night (Harry, who, when he rocked up, clung to Josh and refused to let go, not that Josh minded, honestly, the youngest Sideman visibly upset about what had transpired, unable to tear his eyes away from the fresh bandages encasing Josh’s wrist). They talked in Josh’s bed, their limbs tangled beneath the duvet, and Harry played with Josh’s rings while Josh dozed.
‘You have a pretty smile, you know?’ Harry murmured.
Josh flushed, even while he dozed, and sleepily blinked up at Harry, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. ‘Yeah?’
‘Yeah,’ the younger man confirmed. ‘Suits you. Happiness.’
And if Josh curled into Harry and pressed his face against the lad’s chest, if Josh held onto Harry’s arm with a trembling hand, and if Josh shuddered, one quiet, shaking sob at a time, and if Harry just held him, curling around him, humming a random tune under his breath, no one else needed to know.
***
On Friday, JJ forced Josh on a run around the local park until Josh could barely stand, spots dancing in front of his eyes (his black eye slowly healing, but still fucking hurting), just to take his mind off of what had happened, to give him something else to focus on.
‘I do this sometimes,’ JJ said, sat on the damp, grassy floor beside Josh, the pair of them huffing and puffing from the sprints JJ had made them do. ‘I do this when I don’t want to be in my head anymore. It helps to take my mind off of whatever it is I’m thinking about.’
Josh nodded, letting out another shuddering breath. ‘It works, alright.’
‘Good. I’m glad.’ JJ’s face twisted into something horrid, into something that ate away at the rotting flesh inside of Josh. ‘The fight, when I hit you… did that, did that make it worse?’
‘No,’ Josh said, shaking his head. ‘It was because of the fight that I held off for as long as I did,’ he admitted, tugging at the grass beneath his fingers. ‘The intensity of it helped a lot, I think.’
‘Okay. So, in the future, you think sparring would help?’
‘Maybe. I don’t really know. I’ve never… I’ve really spent a lot of time exploring these things.’
JJ looked sad. ‘The rage room – how was that?’
‘Fantastic for blowing off steam. I’d love to do that again.’
‘Noted.’
That night, Simon stayed over. They talked some more, and Josh finally felt like he wasn’t being governed by his feelings for Simon anymore. Since Simon walked in on him on Tuesday, and they finally talked about it, Josh had felt lighter, like Simon Minter wasn’t burning up Joshua Bradley’s entire atmosphere… he was now just existing in it, in the same way everyone else existed in it, and Josh found it much easier to cope. It still hurt, of course it did, but the pain lessened with each passing day.
And, with a wry smile on his lips, Josh thought, and isn’t that what healing’s all about?
***
Which brought Josh to today, to Saturday. Tobi had shown up ten minutes ago, and Josh… Josh had shut himself in his bedroom the moment Tobi and Simon started talking in those frustratingly hushed tones, reminding Josh of the days following his suicide attempt at the hospital.
‘I’m heading off, Josh,’ Simon called up the stairs. ‘I’ll see you soon, yeah?’
Josh opened his bedroom door and sat on the floor, his back against the wall and his knees tucked into his chest (he used to do it as a kid when his parents were fighting, huddled on the landing with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders, listening to their arguments, flinching every time he heard his name echo up the stairs). ‘Yeah,’ he called back.
He couldn’t help but think that they were back to square one, when Josh was afraid of everyone and their reactions, afraid of what they would say, afraid that he was never going to get better, that this was always going to happen.
‘I love you,’ Simon said, sure and honest and open.
Josh wasn’t sure, he hated being honest, and he most certainly wasn’t open. ‘Yeah,’ he said back lamely, his head pressed against his knees.
Voices murmured downstairs. The front door opened and closed. The stairs sounded.
‘Hey, mate,’ Tobi said softly.
Josh crushed himself into a smaller ball. He couldn’t look Tobi in the eye at the moment. He couldn’t. ‘Can I just have a few moments on my own?’
The floorboards creaked, and a hand settled itself atop Josh’s head, fingers tangling in Josh’s curls and carding through them. ‘What’s going on in that head of yours, hmm?’
Josh let out a bitter laugh. ‘Too much. Not enough.’
Tobi made a quiet noise at the base of his throat. ‘Okay,’ he said. ‘And… and a little bit of time alone, that’s going to help?’
‘I don’t know.’
He was so sure that Tobi was going to leave. He was so fucking sure that Tobi was going to walk back down those stairs, but, instead of leaving him alone, instead of leaving him with his thoughts, Tobi settled himself down next to Josh and they sat in silence.
Josh was grateful for it, really. He was. He didn’t want to be alone. He never wanted to be alone ever again, and wasn’t that the curse of Joshua Bradley?
To be loved and left alone, yet to never feel forgotten or lonely.
He thought about Vik, about Harry, about Behz, about how they were all so young, despite only being a few years younger than Josh, but he felt that the age gap was increasing every day, especially as of late; Vik could run laps around all of them if he put his mind to it; Harry could sit on the floor for hours without being in pain; Ethan’s knees popped but never ached; although Josh walked, and ran, and boxed, he tired more easily, and his bones seized up like rusted iron at the first opportunity.
It was safe to say that Josh loved his friends. He loved them a lot, and because of that, he wanted to be better for them. He didn’t want to die anymore, he knew that, fuck, he’d known that weeks, if not months, ago. He just… he wanted to be better.
He just didn’t see how he could achieve that in a sustainable way, in a way that wouldn’t be without setbacks that upset more than just him.
‘The first step,’ Millie had told him, ‘is to simply begin.’
Sighing heavily, Josh relaxed his arms, relaxed his whole body, finally, finally beginning to settle. He lifted his head so that his chin rested atop his knees and stared at the wall directly across from him, aware, very much aware, of the way Tobi watched him; an overseer, a teacher looking after their student, a shepherd watching over their flock despite the rain pouring down and night falling faster than it ever did.
Tobi watched over him. Tobi had always watched over him.
He’s always been there for me. I think it’s time I let him.
‘I used to do this all the time, you know?’ Josh said softly, gesturing to himself. He remembered JJ’s sudden admission in the park the other day, remembered how easy it had seemed for JJ to open up like he had done.
In place of a response, Tobi settled his head on Josh’s shoulder.
‘Whenever my parents were fighting downstairs, I would come out onto the landing with a blanket over my shoulders and sit here, exactly like this, at the top of the stairs, listening, waiting for one of them to come up and check on me.’ Josh took a deep breath. It shuddered out of him, like something was blocking his airway. ‘They never did,’ he said. ‘I sat there for hours some nights, thinking, it’s okay, Josh. She’ll come up soon and give you a hug. Or, don’t worry, Josh. The arguing will stop soon and things will go back to normal.’ But she never did. They… they never did.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Tobi murmured. ‘I’m sorry you didn’t feel safe there.’
Josh allowed himself the luxury of leaning closer to Tobi. ‘Eventually, I stopped doing it, and that’s when I started going to yours,’ Josh said. ‘You never turned me away, no matter what the time was. I love you for that, you know? I still do. Always will. You… you were safe.’
My safe space whenever I needed respite.
‘I’m glad I was able to give that to you, even if I didn’t know the true extent to what was going.’ Tobi lifted his head from Josh’s shoulder, looking deep into his eyes. ‘I just wish I could have done more for you, you know? I wish… I wish I’d fucking known.’
Instead of arguing, Josh nodded. ‘I know,’ he said. ‘I know.’
They, once more, sat in silence on Josh’s landing, content with their closeness, basking like lizards in the warmth the other provided.
Josh sighed again, dropping his shoulders, loosening his arms from where they had been wrapped tightly around in his knees but still holding on. Just in case.
The quiet was disturbed when, in his bedroom, just down the hall, his phone rang, and when Josh made no move to answer it, Tobi got up and retrieved it instead.
I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve your kindness.
‘Here,’ Tobi said a few seconds later, passing Josh his phone, sitting back down with a quiet groan. He’s growing older. We’re all growing older. ‘It’s Freezy.’
With a trembling hand, Josh reached out and took it.
(usually, depending on who was on the other end, Josh let it ring, following it up with a text shortly after, just to let whoever it was know that he was okay, that nothing had happened – that he just didn’t feel like talking right now. He never said my heart is pounding in my chest and my palms are sweating at the prospect of answering the phone right now. I’m sorry).
In his hand, his phone continued to ring, and before he could talk himself out of it, Josh accepted Freezy’s call.
‘Hey,’ Josh said, trying to sound as put together as possible, hoping the man on the other end didn’t hear how shaky his voice sounded.
Beside him, Tobi sat in silence, a solid pillar standing next to Josh, trying his best to shield him from every piece of debris that came flying his way.
‘Hello, mate,’ Freezy greeted, as jovial as ever. ‘Just a quick question, really – do you fancy playing some golf today?’
For a moment, Josh was afraid he’d shatter his phone with how hard he gripped it.
He’d spoken to the troops over the phone, moreso by text, but that was it. He hadn’t seen any of them in person since… since…
Christ, he could barely handle the Sidemen shoots when all seven of them were presents, plus the crew. He supposed it would only be a small group of people playing golf, but… but it was different. He would be spending time with people he hadn’t seen for months, with people he hadn’t seen but knew what he’d done, or rather, what he’d tried to do.
Fuck it. I’m gonna try.
I’m gonna get out of this fucking house and I’m gonna fucking play some golf.
‘Who’s… who’s going?’ Josh asked, chewing on his nails.
‘Me, Lux, and Randy,’ Freezy answered patiently. ‘I think Randy wanted to film bits of it for his channel, if you’re game?’
‘Okay,’ Josh said before he could change his mind, before he could think about it too much. ‘I just need to double check something quick… give me a minute?’
‘Of course, mate. Take as long as you need.’
And isn’t that fucking disconcerting?
Lowering his phone a little, he glanced in Tobi’s direction. ‘Is it okay if I go and play golf with the Cals and Randy?’
Tobi offered him a smile, and if Josh looked hard enough, he swore Tobi looked relieved at the notion, relieved that Josh was doing something other than moping.
No.
Josh stamped out that particular fire… he knew he hadn’t exactly been a joy to be around over the last week. He couldn’t blame Tobi for being frustrated too.
He didn’t blame any of them.
‘You know you don’t have to ask, right?’ Tobi said softly, his eyes sad, looking at Josh something so akin to pity that Josh felt his hackles raise up in defence. Then, ‘of course I don’t mind. Go and have some fun, yeah?’
Josh shook himself. It was fine. Tobi didn’t mean anything by it. There was no malicious intent… it was fine. ‘You sure?’
‘Hell yeah,’ Tobi said, an exasperated, disbelieving tone to his voice. ‘Tell you what – I’ll even have dinner on the table for when you come home.’
Josh snorted out a laugh, relaxing a bit, the most relaxed he’d been since he relapsed. ‘A proper little house wife, you are.’
Tobi threw him the middle finger and, sniggering, Josh put the phone back to his ear. ‘Freezy, you still there?’
(an infinitesimal part of Josh was telling him that this was all a dream, that, sooner or later, he was going to wake up and none of his friends were real, that he’d dreamed them up, that he’d wake up in his parents’ house, fourteen all over again, with blood pouring from his wrist while his parents argued downstairs all night long.
He thought it might break him completely if that were the case).
‘Still here, mate,’ the other man stated, still patient, still jovial.
The confirmation sent warmth shooting through his veins, thawing out the ice inside of him. Josh let his eyes flutter shut at the feeling. ‘I’ll… I’ll come, if that’s okay?’
‘I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want you there,’ Freezy told him.
‘Okay, I, um… I don’t have golf clubs. Or anything, really.’
‘That’s fine, Boss,’ he said, laughing gently. ‘You can use mine.’
‘If you’re sure?’
‘Of course, I don’t mind. I’ll be there to pick you up in half an hour, okay?’
After the call ended, Josh leaned against Tobi, resting his head on the man’s shoulder, hating how everything felt so heavy.
Tobi leaned closer in answer. ‘You okay?’
‘Not sure,’ Josh admitted, the easy admittance of his words tasting strange on his tongue, like a numbing cream that didn’t really work. ‘I think so.’
Josh had never been more grateful for a friend like Tobi, the shorter man letting Josh take all of the comfort he needed before he made a tired noise and rose to his feet, offering Tobi a hand and pulling him up to. ‘I’m gonna get ready,’ Josh said. ‘Freezy’s gonna be here soon.’
‘Okay. I’ll wait downstairs.’
He changed out of his tracksuit bottoms into a pair of thicker trousers, a thick jumper, and his fluffy green and white jacket. He grabbed the gloves from his wardrobe, a random gift from Harry one day when Josh had first expressed an interest in playing the sport (even if only for Harry’s sake, so Josh could spend more time with Harry doing something Harry loved) and putting them in his bag, as well as a few protein bars and a bottle of water that he’d found lying around his bedroom.
Probably a gift from Ethan, or JJ, he mused, knowing how much his two friends advocated for healthy eating and exercise.
What am I an advocate for?
All too soon, a car roared into his driveway, and his front door sounded.
He heard voices, and when he traversed the stairs, bag in hand, he found Tobi and Freezy chatting in the hallway, faces serious and taut with concern.
Josh paused, his heart thudding in his chest. They’re talking about. They’re… they’re fucking talking about me. He stepped back, intimidated and fear overwhelming him out of nowhere, only the stairs creaked beneath his feet, beneath his hurried attempt to disappear, and Tobi and Freezy turned their heads to look at him.
Josh stared back, a deer in the headlights. He wanted to bolt. He wanted to change his mind.
This is a bad idea. This is a really bad idea.
Josh hadn’t seen Freezy since before he tried to kill himself, hell, he hadn’t seen Randy or Lux either – and talking over the phone is very, very different than seeing them in person, he’d suddenly realised.
Freezy hadn’t changed (okay, maybe his hair was a little thinner on his head, and he was as lean and skinny as ever, and maybe the lines on his face were a little deeper than Josh remembered), still plain, old, reliable Freezy.
It was enough to make Josh’s chest ache, like he’d eaten too much and too fast and it shot tendrils of pain echoing around his ribs.
He’s still here. He still wants to be friends with you.
Despite everything.
Despite everything you did to hurt him.
And the way Freezy looked at him in return (eyes raking him up and down, impassive, searching, searching for something) put him on edge.
‘Hey,’ Josh finally said, clearing his throat.
‘Hey,’ Freezy said, not giving anything away. ‘Ready to go?’
Josh hadn’t filmed anything out of the Sidemen in weeks – not since Ethan and Tobi showed up at his house after seeing Josh’s mum. Of course, he’d filmed little things for himself, for his channels, but this was different. This was something completely different and none of the Sidemen were going to be nearby if anything happened.
He was going to be on his own.
And the worst part… Josh didn’t know what to say to one of his oldest friends.
How terrible was that?
Before Josh could talk himself out of it, and before he could let his friends down, again, Josh nodded, descending the rest of the way down the stairs. ‘Yeah. Yeah, I’m ready to go.’
‘Have fun,’ Tobi said, walking over and dragging Josh into a brief hug. ‘I’ll be here when you get home.’
Josh hugged him back (praying it expressed everything he couldn’t say, praying it expressed his thanks, and his endless love and devotion for his childhood friend) before he left his house with Freezy, climbing into the passenger seat and tucking his bag between his feet.
‘All set?’ Freezy asked once he’d buckled himself in.
‘Yeah.’
The entire drive there, Josh thought about what he wanted to say. He opened his mouth but nothing came out, time after time, and he could feel himself getting more and more frustrated as time went on, stuck between not knowing what to say, and not knowing where the fuck to start with what he wanted to say.
The lonely, loyal dog inside of him wished he was back at home curled up on his landing with Tob sat beside him, protecting him.
But they can’t shield me for the rest of my life. Eventually, I’m going to have to get back out there, on my own, without them.
Eventually, I’m going to have to move on from what I tried to do.
A thought had never seemed to daunting before.
Beside him, Freezy silently watched him, sneaking glances his way while focusing on the road. ‘You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to, you know? Just you being here with us is enough.’
Josh wanted to fucking shrivel up and die. ‘Okay.’
Freezy’s statement reminded Josh so much of Vik that, for a moment, it was Vik sat beside him, lovely, gentle Vik, with his beautiful smile and his adoring temperament to match.
‘Randy is gassed you’re coming, by the way,’ Freezy said, smirking. ‘Said he’d finally have some decent company, whatever the fuck that means.’
A smile graced Josh’s face, and some, not all, but some, of his qualms faded away.
‘And Lux is proper shit at the moment – like, you should have seen his drive the other day when we went with Harold. A proper hooner. He says it was the rain, but we all know how he likes to make excuses for himself.’
Josh let Freezy talk, let the other man fill the car with warmth and other golf stories (golf stories he’d missed out on, golf stories he should have been a part of), and by the time they arrived at the course, Josh had laughed a few times, and he’d even interjected with a few jokes of his own.
Freezy… he was a breath of fresh air. Obviously, the man fucking knew about what Josh had tried to do, all the troops did, and not once did any of them complain about Josh’s absence, about his steadfast refusal to see them during his recovery.
Freezy wasn’t suffocating like the other boys could sometimes be. He just acted normal; the boys had been slowly going back to normal with him, but since he’d cut himself again, it felt like they were treating him like glass, like one wrong move and he’d shatter to pieces all over again, slipping below the surface into murky waters with no way to tell which direction was up, with no way to tell which direction was his salvation.
But he loved them. He did. Nothing they ever did would ever make him stop loving them.
(in the same way Josh still loved his parents. Despite everything they’d done and what they’d said, Josh still loved his parents. The visceral, innocent part of him still loved them. He wouldn’t have paid for their houses if he didn’t. He wouldn’t have kept forgiving them time after time if he didn’t.
He could hate someone and still love them.
That’s what Millie had told him yesterday).
And some days, when he was with Behz, or when he was with Harry, Josh was terrified that their tenderness, and their love for him, was going to kill him.
‘Righty, then,’ Freezy said, putting his car in park and clapping his hands together. ‘Let’s go and play some golf.’
***
‘Ah, the wild card has arrived!’ Lux announced, his arms high in the air, a big smile on his face.
And it was here that Josh realised Randy was already vlogging, his camera held up for everyone to see, aimed right at Josh. It broke Josh’s heart a little bit, but he put on a show all the same. He acted, he forced himself to smile, and he told a crazy joke that would have put Harry to shame, chattering away to Randy, and to Lux, like the last few months had never happened, making their way to the first hole.
Freezy watched him the entire time, and Josh was terrified of what Tobi had told him earlier, terrified that Freezy was going to be too much in the places he didn’t need to be.
He zoned back in to Freezy’s deadpan, joking tone, the man taking the piss out of Lux’s new girlfriend. Hunched over, laughing so much his ribs hurt, Josh pressed himself closer to Randy, the other man laughing just as hard. Truthfully, Josh had forgotten how fun these three could be and he was glad he’d agreed to come – even if, initially, it was just an excuse to get out of the house and away from his friends.
Anxiety thrummed in his veins like it always did, always in the background, always swaying his decision making. He played with his hands, like they were puzzle pieces that would never fit together, and his lungs felt like they were working out of rhythm with each other, one side taking in too much air, and the other side not taking in enough – but he was out of the house, and he was playing golf with his friends. That had to count for something.
It was the small victories, after all.
It was always the small victories.
***
‘Small victories my fucking arse,’ Josh muttered to himself a short while later, readying himself to tee off. It had been months since he’d played any golf, and despite the motions being familiar, they also felt foreign, and it felt too much like it was his first time playing all over again.
(in other words, Josh was completely and utterly out of his depth).
‘Just don’t break my club,’ Freezy called. Randy and Lux laughed from beside him, cackling like a pack of hyenas.
They’re just joking around. They don’t mean anything by it. Fucking relax, man.
Josh gripped the club tighter, staring down at the ball, praying they couldn’t tell how hard he trembled under their gazes.
Come on, Josh. Just hit it. Swing the club and hit the ball.
Before he could overthink it anymore, Josh pulled back his arms and swung the club, making a solid connection with the ball. He lost sight of it in the distance and turned back to the boys to see their reactions, unsure if it was a good shot or not, his palms sweating beneath his gloves.
‘That’s alright, mate,’ Freezy said when he saw the uncertain look in Josh’s eyes.
Josh stood up straight and walked over, still gripping the club tightly. ‘Was it bad?’
‘No, it wasn’t bad. It certainly wasn’t one of the worst.’
It did little to ease Josh’s unease but he appreciated Freezy’s encouragement all the same. The man was nothing but encouraging in everything anyone ever did and Josh loved him for it, he loved them all for it, really. If Josh was to be partnered with anyone for something he wasn’t the best at, he’d want it to be Freezy – even if he did constantly take the piss.
Before everything happened, I would have taken the piss too.
***
Josh hit a bad shot. Like, the worst shot he’d ever hit playing golf. It in no way, shape or form matched his major fuck up with the Sidemen shoot before he tried to kill himself, but he still felt the same disgust, the same unbridled rage rotting away inside his bones at the knowledge that I fucked up again. When will I stop fucking up?
Before everything happened, Josh would have laughed it off.
‘Fucking hell, he’s taken off most of the ground,’ Freezy laughed, Randy and Lux cackling in the background. ‘The beaver tail is the size of fucking Antarctica!’
But everything did happen, and Josh couldn’t bring himself to laugh it off, even for Randy’s Vlog. Oh, and his wrist fucking hurt with that shot, the aggressive motion tugging sharply on the still-healing cuts on his wrist from Tuesday. He wouldn’t be surprised if, beneath the sleeve of his fluffy jacket, the bandage was spotted red with blood.
‘My wrist hurts. It really hurts,’ he said directly to Randy’s vlog camera, trying his best to act nonchalant, trying his best to pretend he felt normal.
The others continued to laugh, but Josh could see it in their eyes.
The sadness. The grief. The sorrow.
Josh swallowed the lump in his throat and looked away, staring at the trees, before averting his gaze to a group of birds that had taken flight a short distance away, startled by something. Vik came to mind once more, and Josh thought that Vik would have loved to see the birds take flight like that.
He made a mental note to mention it the next time he saw him.
Josh, setting his shoulders, walked back over to the golf buggy where Freezy waited patiently in the drivers seat.
He could do this. He could.
He was thirty-two years old. He could get through a fucking game of golf without breaking down.
He could.
Please. Please get through this.
Just to prove to yourself that you can.
***
‘I don’t think golf’s a good sport for people with anxiety,’ Josh told Freezy out of nowhere. Freezy barked out a laugh, hunching over the wheel of the golf buggy. ‘If I was drunk, I think I’d be good at golf,’ he continued.
‘We could try drunk golf for a video,’ Freezy said. ‘I’m sure the boys would be down.’
And Josh… and Josh clammed up. He hadn’t touched any alcohol since he’d downed the bottle of merlot when he tried to kill himself. He couldn’t even bring himself to even look at the stuff, and he doubted he’d ever go out drinking with the boys again.
(Ethan and JJ’s joint party was bad enough, people all around him offering drinks and Josh having to constantly turn them down. Looking back on it, he’d never been more thankful for Faith getting him out of there when she did, and Olive).
No. He didn’t think he was brave enough for that. Heck, he could barely manage taking paracetamols whenever he got a bad headache, reminding him way too much of swallowing little, blue pill after little, blue pill while his brain had played like a broken record, again, again, one more pill, just one more, and another, swallow two more, keep swallowing, keep fucking swallowing them until you can’t fucking think anymore…
Reminding him of the way Simon’s fingers had jammed themselves down his throat to make him sick, reminding him of the way Simon had been the one to find him on his bathroom floor, reminding him of the way that Simon Minter still hurt and ached from the decision Josh had made, reminding him of the way that Simon Minter would always hurt and ache from the decision Josh had made.
Josh shuddered, keeping his mouth firmly shut, afraid that, if he so much as opened his mouth, he’d be sick all over himself.
Freezy watched him out of the corner of his eye. Again.
They’re always going to be watching me. No matter where I am, or who I’m with, someone is always going to be fucking watching me.
***
Josh hit the ground again.
Josh hit the fucking ground again.
Instead of laughing, the boys, once they’d seen the look on Josh’s face, stayed quiet. ‘I was too relaxed,’ Josh said bitterly. ‘I was too relaxed.’
I wasn’t. I’m fucking stressed and I think I made a mistake by coming out today.
They finished the hole, and Josh didn’t make one good shot. ‘I honestly don’t even know why you invited me to play,’ Josh said with a chuckle when Randy aimed his vlog camera at him (breeding at an alarming rate behind the chuckle was hatred, bitter and spiteful hatred that Josh had spent his whole life taming). ‘I wouldn’t be able to hit anything if my life depended on it.’
‘Don’t sell yourself short, man. You’re a wild card for a reason.’
I’m a wild card because I’ll have a fucking mental breakdown over nothing, out of nowhere.
‘Come on, Honey,’ Freezy called to Josh at the end of the hole, beckoning him in the direction of the golf buggy, almost as if Freezy could sense which direction his thoughts were spiralling toward.
The nickname made Josh’s insides preen, but his stomach rolled uncomfortably (the last time he’d been called that particular name, he’d been in the hospital refusing to see the boys, with no one but himself, the nurses, and the doctor, for company).
Josh followed, like the lonely, loyal dog he was, and sat heavily in the passenger seat. Two seconds later, Freezy sped off.
‘I haven’t played well at all today,’ Josh commented quietly, rubbing his hands into his legs and tugging at his sleeves – anything to be rid of the anxiety that came to life the moment he picked up Freezy’s golf club earlier.
I wonder what it’s like to live without being governed by anxiety.
‘You’ll get a good shot soon, just you wait,’ Freezy promised. ‘And you have to remember that you haven’t played for a while. It’s gonna take some time to get back into it.’ He glanced Josh’s way, his eyebrows drawing close together in a frown when Josh rubbed his legs quicker, faster, frantic. ‘You cold or something, Boss?’
‘Anxious,’ Josh said shortly, rubbing his legs harder.
‘Okay.’
Freezy made outlandish jokes off the rip.
It didn’t help.
***
‘Fucking hell, I’ve lost all confidence,’ Josh muttered to himself as he approached the tee box. ‘I’ve actually lost all confidence. I’m panicking.’
Randy, Lux and Freezy had just hit great shots, making it far down the fairway, and now it was Josh’s turn. He readied himself, bending his knees and gripping the club with two shaking hands. Even before, the anxiety hadn’t been this bad; his heart pounded, beneath his jacket his skin was covered in a thin layer of sweat, and he couldn’t take a full breath, like his lungs no longer had the capacity for air and were just existing, sitting heavily inside of him like a tumour.
‘You got this, Josh,’ Randy called gently.
‘Yeah, man, you’re gonna smash it,’ Lux added on.
Josh took a breath. He took another. He swung.
It was a terrible hit.
Fuck. I knew it was a mistake coming today. This is awful. This is fucking terrible.
‘It’s alright, mate. If you wanna go and get that ball we’ll catch you down at the green,’ Freezy said in a joking tone, himself and Lux running off (acting like they would have done had Josh not tried to kill himself. He couldn’t fault them for it, really. He asked for this. He did. He wanted it).
Randy offered him a smile of condolence. ‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,’ he said, vlogging Josh’s face, having caught the entire thing on camera – Josh couldn’t help but think that Randy was talking about more than Josh’s terrible attempt at playing golf.
‘It’s one of those days now, isn’t it?’ Josh said, his voice a little thick, twisting his hands around the club in a way he prayed wasn’t shown on camera.
He wanted the ice. He wanted the ice so bad but there was none in the vicinity and Josh refused to break down like that on a golf course in front of his friends, in front of his friends who had never witnessed a breakdown of his before.
He went for a solo walk down to the green where the others waited for him, muttering angrily to himself, clenching and unclenching his fists the entire time.
I’m trying. I’m really trying.
I promise I’m trying, it’s just… it’s really hard.
***
He shot another ball into the trees to their right.
Before Josh could scream, Freezy gave Josh a pack of peanuts with a supportive pat on the shoulder. He ate them happily, sat in the buggy, but his mind was in turmoil.
I’m not good at anything. I fuck everything up. I break everything I touch.
How much longer until I break my friends?
How much longer until my friends leave?
Stuck in a loop of negativity, he fucked up the next shot too. He rewarded himself with another solo walk, muttering angrily to himself.
Lux joined him on the third solo walk. ‘You good?’
‘Yeah. Just need a bit of quiet.’
‘Okay.’
Instead of disappearing and leaving him on his own, Lux walked beside him in silence, keeping him company.
Josh wanted to pull Lux in for a hug and never let go.
He held himself back. He didn’t dare get closer.
I don’t want to ruin you too.
***
Josh lost another ball. He hit the floor with Freezy’s club, slamming it down in a fit of rage. ‘Fucking shit! Fucking… fucking useless bastard!’
Well. Josh could have called himself worser names but he suspected that, if he said them out loud, he’d be on a one-way trip back to the hospital.
He’d always prided himself on being a patient man, content to wait for results, and for people, no matter how long it took. The only thing he struggled to be patient with, however, was himself, and his capacity for failure. Being a perfectionist in every aspect of his life, failure felt like the entire world had ended; forests burning to the ground, the oceans drying up, and the entire Earth shaking with the force of impending doom.
He didn’t know how to cope with it – he’d never known how to cope with it – and deep inside himself, lodged dangerously close to his heart, there was a tiny glass ball. He didn’t remember when it had first formed, and most certainly didn’t remember when it shattered, but its pieces had been stabbing him for as long as he could remember. If he so much as breathed too deep, those same pieces stabbed him all over again, a sharp pain Josh feared he’d never be free of.
‘Oi, that’s my club!’ Freezy yelled.
Josh froze in his actions, suddenly remembering the club he had in his hands wasn’t his to break.
Before, he would have seen the humour in his eyes, and Josh would have known it was just a joke – but visceral guilt wrapped its cold hands around his throat and Josh looked up, feeling cold, feeling strange. ‘I’m… I’m sorry. I forgot, I, um… I’ll get you a new one if it’s broken. I’ll replace it. Just… I’m sorry.’
Freezy gave him a strange look, they all did, exchanging worried glances.
Shaking, angry, and fucking falling apart, Josh grabbed the vlog camera from Randy’s hand and carried on like nothing had happened. ‘Hello there, vlog, it’s me, the resident wildcard of our golfing community.’
Lux snorted.
‘I just wanted to say… I am so shit at golf, it’s unreal.’ He laughed at himself, but he didn’t feel any better. Inside, his resolve had broken, and he was barely hanging on by a thread. ‘I’ve had enough and I want to go home,’ he said simply.
It was a joke, but he also meant it. Freezy was well aware of this – they all were.
‘So,’ Freezy said, breaking the tense silence. If Josh was brave enough, he could have cut the tension with a knife. ‘To the next hole?’
But Josh wasn’t brave. He wasn’t strong.
He was scared, and he was weak.
Josh burst out into laughter, they all did, but his soul splintered, and he was terrified that it was never going to fit back together again.
***
Freezy and Josh sat on a grassy bank overlooking a small lake, a small lake which had swallowed at least six of their golf balls combined. A short distance away, Randy and Lux had wandered off with the vlog camera to film something. At least, that’s what they said.
(what really happened was this: Josh had wandered off to sit by himself and Freezy followed him, motioning for Lux and Randy to make themselves scarce with a few choice words that Josh pretended he didn’t hear).
Above them, the sun beamed down, and Josh sweated heavily beneath his fluffy, green jacket. He refused to take it off, refused to show his arms, even if everyone knew what was hiding underneath, even if everyone knew what he tried to do.
They sat in silence, and Josh realised that, despite everything, he missed them. He really fucking missed them – even if the golfing aspect of the day had been shambolic.
‘Thanks for coming out with us today,’ Freezy said suddenly. ‘I’ve missed having you around, you know?’
Josh offered him a smile but stayed quiet, trying to ignore the way his hands shook. He clenched and unclenched his fists.
Freezy clocked onto the action.
‘How are you doing, really?’ Freezy asked quietly, his long fingers twisting in the grass.
‘Better,’ Josh said after a moment’s deliberation. ‘Not great, but better than I was at the start, when, when…’
Freezy nodded. ‘Was there a particular reason?’
Josh knew what he was asking. He shrugged his shoulders. ‘It was a culmination of lots of things that kept building and building as time went on.’ He laid back on the grass, breathing, trying his best to focus on the smell of grass, on the smell of the trees behind them. ‘To put it bluntly, I’d had enough of life and I wanted everything to be over. I kept fucking things up and I didn’t see a future for myself… so that’s exactly what I tried to do.’
Freezy made a noise beside him, a noise to let him know he’d heard. ‘If those things ever build up again, call me,’ he said. ‘Call someone. Please don’t bottle everything up again.’
‘I won’t,’ Josh said. ‘I’m… I want to be here. I’m seeing things differently now.’
Even if I don’t really see a way out.
Freezy smiled. ‘I’ve missed you, Josh. I’ve really missed you.’
It was the most vulnerable Josh had ever seen him. Gone was the joking clown everyone adored. Here was a solemn man wearing his heart on his sleeve for the whole world to see.
‘I’ve missed you too,’ Josh said. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t reach out sooner. I’m sorry I kept declining invites. It’s just been… it’s been really hard.’
But Freezy was already shaking his head. ‘No. No, you don’t need to apologise for that. The most important part of healing is going at your own pace. We get that. Myself, Lux and Randy. We all understand.’
Although Josh adored their support, sometimes, he wished they wouldn’t try so hard.
(sometimes, he wished they’d just fuck off).
‘It… it hasn’t been easy. Actually, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.’
It was hard, it would always be hard, having to live with the shame of what he’d done, having to live with the visceral guilt that he knew would never go away, the feeling of hatred that came with every relapse, and last but not least, the fucking anxiety that had worsened over time, even with his friends love and support.
‘We’re all rooting for you, and we’re all so, so proud of you, mate.’
Josh laughed bitterly. ‘I had a bad relapse on Tuesday. Scared the fucking life out of Simon when he turned up. I’m… I’m not allowed to be unsupervised anymore,’ he finished shakily, more shakily than he would like, admitting to Freezy more than he ever thought he’d ever admit.
‘I heard,’ Freezy said carefully. ‘Simon turned up at mine the day after. We… talked.’
Oh. That’s probably what he was talking to Tobi about.
‘I feel so guilty for what I did to him,’ Josh said, meeting Freezy’s gaze. Cal was sat close by, not laying down like Josh, but at an angle where they could see each other’s faces. ‘I… I ruined him.’
I traumatised him. I traumatised my best friend.
‘Simon’s made it very clear that he doesn’t blame you,’ Freezy said cautiously. ‘He said he’d rather be saddled with the image of you on your bathroom floor for the rest of his life than live with the knowledge that you no longer exist.’
That doesn’t make me feel any better about what I tried to do.
‘I worry about Simon a lot,’ Josh said. ‘He’s taking too much on, especially after what happened between him and Talia.’
Freezy frowned. ‘What happened between him and Talia?’
Guilt filled him all over again. ‘He didn’t tell you, did he? He didn’t tell any of you.’
‘No,’ Cal said. ‘No, he didn’t.’ He paused. ‘We all know there was some tension there for a while.’
Josh sat up, stretching his legs out in front of him. ‘They were fighting.’ About me. ‘Really bad fights. They’re fine now, better than ever, but it took a toll on him. I’ve never seen him so tired, and I know I didn’t help.’
He wasn’t sleeping because he was worried about me. He wasn’t sleeping because every time he closed his eyes he saw me on my bathroom floor.
‘I’ll talk to him,’ Freezy said, determined, sad. ‘I’ll check in. Properly.’
‘Thanks.’
Taking his hat off of his head, Josh fanned his face with it. He was well and truly cooking underneath his jacket but he refused to take it off.
He couldn’t.
Freezy watched him quietly before he said, ‘You don’t have to hide in your jumpers and your jackets, okay? We all know what’s underneath, Josh. Please don’t feel that you have to hide from us.’
‘There’s so many,’ Josh said, opening up, imploring as he looked into Freezy’s sombre eyes. ‘I don’t…’
‘I know,’ he said, offering a reassuring smile, but sad. Always fucking sad.
Josh was afraid his friends would always feel sad, and that it would always be Josh’s fault.
Before anything more could be said, Lux and Randy returned, vlog camera turned off and tucked into Randy’s jumper pocket.
Josh relaxed a little, and for the first time all day, it felt like he could breathe, yet it was Freezy who watched Josh carefully, monitoring his movements, watched him clench and unclench his fists in a repetitive, grounding motion; even though he could breathe freely, his anxiety had other plans.
‘Shall we do a few more holes before we head home, end the day on a high?’ Freezy asked.
‘Hell yeah,’ Lux said. He clapped Josh on the shoulder. ‘Come on, old fella. Up and at ‘em.’
‘Fuck off, Lux,’ Josh laughed, climbing to his feet. ‘This is my time to shine.’
‘I’ll believe it when I see it, mate,’ Freezy said, deadpan.
Randy offered him a supportive smile. ‘You’re gonna pipe it, Josh, I can feel it. Best shot of the day.’
‘If I don’t, Freezy’s club is getting it,’ Josh threatened, the vice-like grip of his heart loosening a little at the familiar, friendly banter that he’d missed.
‘Hey, don’t blame the club. You’re just shit,’ Freezy stated.
Josh barked out a laugh. ‘It makes for good content, what can I say?’
‘Especially with that curly hair of yours,’ Lux said. ‘All the comments are about your fucking fluffy hair and how soft you look in those jackets of yours. It’s honestly vomit inducing.’
He couldn’t stop the redness to his cheeks, even if he tried. He’d seen those comments ever since they’d started recording videos again, hell, he’d seen those comments when he’d first changed his hair – especially when Harry, the fucker that he was, kept screenshotting them and sending them to him with all kinds of flirtatious emoji’s, Ethan included. The rest of the boys hadn’t gone so far with it, but they still took great pleasure in pointing out the comments at every given opportunity.
Until Tuesday. Until Josh had taken a blade to his skin once again and tore himself into ribbons.
Josh swallowed the thought away, focusing back on Lux. ‘It’s not my fault I’m a fan favourite,’ Josh said, shaking his head a little.
He’d never been the favourite before, at least, he’d never felt like he was the favourite, but lately, despite everything, the fans loved him. There was one comment in particular that lived rent free in Josh’s head every day:
Loving Josh’s energy lately! He’s like a golden retriever, and don’t even get me started on the Harry and Josh duo – they’re so silly-goofy whenever they’re paired together and it’s so wholesome to watch xx
Of course, there were still the odd comments enquiring after their brief hiatus (they’d never really explained why, just said they were taking a break and would be back as soon as possible), enquiring why, suddenly, everyone was focused on Josh in the new videos, why they couldn’t keep their eyes off of Josh – but those comments were few and far between now.
In fact, ever since their weekend trip to Cornwall, Josh had barely noticed them, but when he went to go for a closer look in the early hours of the morning when insomnia struck like a bullet, he’d discovered the comments had vanished completely. He’d assumed the others had deleted them, for Josh’s sake, and he found he wasn’t offended by it.
If he thought about, life was better without negativity. Life was better when he didn’t dwell on the bad things he’d done, or the bad thing that had been done to him.
Whenever he was with his friends, life was better in general. It was a large pill to swallow, but life alone was terrible, and nothing good would come from isolating himself whenever he felt bad.
Maybe… maybe this is what the boys have been telling me the whole time and I just didn’t want to listen.
‘To the golf buggies!’ Freezy exclaimed, running away.
Jolting Josh from his thoughts, Josh joined him and they sped off, making their way to the next hole.
As had been routine for the whole day, the others made their drives first. They were okay shots, and their balls made it a decent distance down the fairway, and now… now it was Josh’s turn.
With his heart pounding hard in his chest, like a gorilla punching him on the inside of his ribs over and over again, Josh walked over to make his drive.
I want to take my jacket off, but what if they don’t like what they see? What if they’re disgusted by the sight?
Fuck off, Josh thought angrily. They invited me out. They still want to be my friend, and they won’t care about what my arms look like. Freezy said so himself.
Fuck it. I’m… I’m going to be brave. I’m going to be normal. I’m… I’m going to make a conscious effort to fucking try.
Before he could talk himself out of it, Josh shucked his fluffy jacket to the floor, his arms on full display, revealing a myriad of scars, red and white and pink, that curled up and down the length of his arms from his wrists, disappearing beneath the sleeves of the t-shirt he wore. Fresh, white, thick, bandages wrapped around his wrist from his latest relapse, and he had been right from his earlier assumption; blood had started to spot through the stark fabric, but it was nothing life threatening. He could sort it out when he got home.
With that particular barrier out of the way, Josh prepared to drive, gripping Freezy’s club tight.
The boys were silent behind him, as respectful as always.
He pulled his arms back.
He swung.
And it was the best drive he’d ever done, the ball landing perfectly on the green over two hundred yards away.
Josh stared in disbelief, pride filling his chest, all and any doubt currently sitting in his body blinking out of existence.
I did it. I… I fucking did it.
What Josh could only describe as an uproar sounded from behind him.
‘I knew you could do it!’ Freezy shouted, running over. He slapped Josh on the shoulder and ruffled Josh’s hair. ‘That was brilliant, mate.’
Freezy paid no mind to the scars littering Josh’s arms, to the bandaged wrapped tightly around his wrist. Well, Josh knew Freezy was looking, but it didn’t feel threatening, or judgemental, in any way.
‘Fucking brilliant shot, bro,’ Randy praised, shaking Josh’s hand with a proud smile on his face.
And it was Lux who, at the end of the hole (I shot a birdie! A fucking birdie!), dropped his club and pulled Josh in for a strong hug. ‘I’m so proud of you,’ the man whispered.
Josh hugged him back, relaxing into the embrace, and they stayed like that for a long time. All too soon, everyone had to go home, Freezy and Randy wrapping Josh into a warm hug before they parted ways. ‘See you soon, mate, yeah? We’ll do this again sometime,’ Freezy said.
‘Hundred percent,’ Josh said. ‘Thank you. Thank you for everything.’
They left, and it was Lux who drove him home. He pulled into Josh’s driveway, parking his car just behind Josh’s.
‘Do you want to stay for dinner?’ Josh offered. ‘Tobi’s cooking something and I’m sure they’ll be enough for three.’
‘I would, but my girlfriend has dinner practically on the table,’ Lux said, apologetically. ‘But another time. For sure.’
‘Of course,’ Josh said, taking the rejection in stride, taking the rejection better than he’d ever taken it before. ‘Thanks. Thanks for today. For being patient. With me.’
‘You don’t need to thank me,’ Lux said, waving him off. ‘We’re friends. We’ve always got your back, no matter what.’ He squeezed Josh’s shoulder. ‘Just say the word, whatever you need, and we’re there, no questions asked.’
Josh nodded. ‘Yeah, okay. Thank you.’
Lux left, and when Josh opened his front door, he was greeted with a heavenly smell coming from the kitchen. ‘Hey!’ Josh called, shucking his shoes and closing the front door.
Tobi came out of the kitchen and walked down the hallway, meeting Josh in the middle. ‘Hey! Dinner’s almost ready,’ he said.
‘I can’t wait – it smells delicious,’ Josh said.
‘Did you have fun?’ Tobi asked, hugging Josh tightly around his middle.
(Josh was aware of the way Tobi observed Josh’s lack of sleeves, and if Tobi’s eyes grew wet in the corners when he moved away, Josh didn’t say anything).
‘Didn’t play well, but yeah,’ Josh said. ‘I had fun. It was nice to see the guys again.’
‘Good,’ Tobi said fondly, reaching up to sort out the collar of Josh’s t-shirt. ‘I’m glad.’ Then, ‘Go on, get changed. You have about ten minutes until dinners on the table.’
‘Yes, Mum,’ Josh joked, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. He trudged upstairs and had a quick shower, careful not to get his bandage wet (he wouldn’t ruin the mood by asking Tobi to change his bandage just yet – he’d wait until they went to bed), before he changed into slacks and a fluffy jumper. He walked downstairs, his hair still damp, greeted by a full-blown roast dinner.
‘I could get used to this,’ Josh said, taking a seat at the table beside Tobi who had just sat down too. ‘How much do you cost an hour?’
‘Fuck off, mate,’ Tobi said, but his eyes were bright, and he was happy, the most relaxed Josh had seen him in days, and Josh felt hopeful.
We’re going to be okay.
All of us.
We’re all going to be okay.