Archive of Our Own ^beta

Week One

September 

It was the first day of classes. Hyunjin walked through the corridor, a crumpled class schedule in one hand and an infant carrier in the other as he looked for the right classroom. The baby was asleep, snugly in her blanket, a pacifier secured in her tiny mouth. Hyunjin’s mother had assured him that if he timed it all correctly and made sure she was fed and dry before arriving at school, then she was so young that she would most likely sleep through his entire class that morning. While that did soothe his fear, it did nothing to patch the boring hole in his heart.

He shook his hair out of his face, catching his breath slightly, and opened the classroom door, lugging the baby carrier behind him. He found a seat in the back row and put his book bag down on the desk, placing the baby carrier next to his chair. Biting his lip and trying not to cry from anxiety, he gently covered the top of her carrier with a second blanket, to prevent any loud sounds from startling her as she slept.

He sat down and finally allowed himself a deep breath. No one was in the room but the professor, who sat typing on his computer at his desk in the front of the classroom, so Hyunjin let himself have this one moment of peace before the other students noticed his … addition … and began to tease or ask questions. Mentally, he prepared all his answers, protecting his heart with everything he had.

Yes, she is his.

No, he is not transgender.

Yes, he is okay.

Yes, she is okay.

She’s two weeks old.

She’ll be okay with the blanket over the carrier. 

No, you can’t hold her yet, she’s too little. Almost.

No, he’d actually not okay.

No, he is not okay, so stop asking.

He closed his eyes and put his head in his arms on his desk, trying in vain to get his mind to shut the fuck up. He mentally went through a checklist of what to do if she started crying or needed him, and double-checked his phone was on silent, triple-checked he had the class syllabus and the test schedule, as well as the online resources and the textbook-

“Are you alright?”

Hyunjin snapped his head up hard at the voice, blinking the sleepiness and emotion from his eyes as he looked wildly around him, eyes finally settling on the professor, who was now leaning against the desk across the aisle from Hyunjin.

The man couldn’t be more than a few years older than him, and he exuded ‘older brother’ energy. He was nice looking, tall, clad in black jeans, black sneakers, a nice dark blue shirt with a white sweater on top, and soft, brown hair. He peered kindly over his glasses at Hyunjin, waiting for a response from the blinking boy.

“Yes, I-I think so …” Hyunjin replied, his voice cracking and scraping against his dry throat.

“You’ve got the right class?”

“Intro to World History 1, right?” Hyunjin scrambled around his desk for the class schedule, frantically searching.

“Woah, calm down … yes, you’ve got it right … I was just checking since you’re so early. We’ve still got fifteen minutes before class begins, you know?” The man smiled kindly again and quirked an eyebrow up inquisitively. He hadn’t so much as glanced at the baby, which made Hyunjin wonder if he’d even noticed.

“Well …” he started, feeling spikes of shame and embarrassment ripple through his empty stomach, “I wanted to make sure I got on the train alright, um … with the carrier, and um … wanted to find a seat where I could easily step out into the hallway if she started crying.” He closed his eyes, waiting for the tsking or arguments to hit him. “If that’s alright with you,” he whispered.

The man had seemed so nice, too. It was going to be so disappointing to be scolded by such a lovely person. It was going to hurt.

The professor only nodded, the smile staying fixed on his face. “I see. Well, everything went smoothly, yes? With the train?”

Hyunjin, surprised, nodded dumbly, his eyes wide and his hands shaking in his lap. The baby slept soundlessly next to his chair.

“That’s nice. Let me know if you need anything, alright? Like with the coursework or any extensions. I will do my best, okay? But, if you ever need to step out with her during class, you don’t need my permission.” He pushed his glasses up his nose and leaned forward, off the desk, making to walk back to the front of the classroom.

Hyunjin barely managed a “Thank you, Sir …” before the man was out of earshot, and his insides practically crumbled.

He didn’t have any time to collect his thoughts before the first wave of students began to filter in the classroom doors, talking loudly amongst themselves while finding seats. Hyunjin watched them, envious of their freedom in some small corner of his brain, but more importantly, he watched the young professor greet each of them with soft words … and a finger pressed to his lips in a ‘quiet, please.’ Unquestioningly, the students ceased their noise and sat down, plunking bags and water bottles and textbooks down, shrugging off sweatshirts and fixing ponytails.

Another few waves of students got in, the professor greeting each of them the same way as the last, and soon, the classroom was full, each seat occupied, and everyone quiet. The gentle hum of the air conditioner was all that could be heard, and Hyunjin found himself extremely grateful for the white noise. The baby wouldn’t wake up so easily this way.

The professor quietly closed the classroom door and walked up to the whiteboard, writing his name in big letters, like every professor did on the first day of classes. Without thinking, the students all copied the name on the top of their syllabi, to remember the man’s name in the future.

He turned around and spread his hands, welcomingly. “Good morning, everyone. My name is Chan, I’m your History teacher for this semester. Now, some of you may have noticed that I asked you all to be quiet as you entered the classroom.”

Hyunjin felt his insides burn up in flames as he sank into his seat, avoiding the professor’s small gaze.

The man continued, his soft baritone gently cascading over the student body.

“We have a small visitor in our class, in the back row, and I think I can speak for all of us when I say this class will be much easier if we all keep the big noises to a minimum.”

Hyunjin closed his eyes as the twenty-something pairs of eyes searched the back room for his daughter, who was, of course, oblivious to her fame. The eyes locked on him, and he felt everyone nod in agreement. Hyunjin prayed for the floor to swallow him, too tired to think of anything else. He kept his eyes shut, feeling Felix and Jisung’s eyes drilling holes in him when they found him with their eyes. He would deal with them later.

The professor, Chan, continued, turning to his computer.

“Today, it’s gonna be a really simple schedule, because it’s the first day, so let’s get started. Everyone pull out your syllabi, we’re gonna go through everything together and talk about the expectations and the system-“

Chan’s voice evaporated in Hyunjin’s ears as he sat, glued to his seat, sweat turning cold on his neck and back. He followed along, underlining important things, listening to some students asking clarifying questions and Chan politely replying, and before he knew it, the hour was up, and Chan was dismissing the students.

As the majority of the other students gathered their belongings and left eh classroom, Hyunjin ducked down to slowly raise the blanket to check on his daughter. He breathed a small sigh of relief to see her still soundly asleep, her pacifier wiggling in her mouth as she sucked on it. He covered her back up and leaned up in his chair, startling when he saw his two friends standing directly in front of him, murderous looks on their faces and their arms crossed.

“Guys,” he started, sighing and sinking his shoulders, but the tallest of the two boys cut him off, whispering darkly,

“No, absolutely not. Don’t ‘guys’ us. What the fuck is going on? Where have you been? When did you have a kid?!”

The other boy, shorter than both of them, piped up as well, “And why the fuck did we have to find out this way?”

Hyunjin sighed again, feeling tears burn in his eyes. He looked up, looking at one and then the other, before whispering,

“Can … can we not do this here, please? Can you come over tomorrow and I can explain? Please, Felix?” He looked directly at the tall one, who was still glaring venomously at him.

Felix sighed, uncrossing his arms. He crouched down to look at Hyunjin at eye level, and his gaze softened a big, showing the raw emotions behind his outburst.

“I just want to know if you’re okay? This is a big thing, Hyunnie …” he trailed off, reaching out a hand tentatively for Hyunjin’s.

Hyunjin took it, bravely fending off tears. He looked from Felix to Jisung a few times before nodding and lying,

“I’m fine, I promise. Come over tomorrow ... and bring Minho-Hyung. Okay?”

Jisung placed a hand on his shoulder, “Of course. Safe travels, hm?”

Hyunjin nodded and watched both boys leave, politely saying their farewells to Chan as they did.

Slowly, Hyunjin packed up, slinging his bag over his shoulder and gently lifting the baby carrier, and slowly made his way down the classroom, once again avoiding the professor’s eyes.

Chan wasn’t having it though, and murmured softly when Hyunjin approached,

“Sorry for calling you out earlier. But, hopefully it will make things easier for you, in the end. I didn’t catch your name?” Chan stood up from his desk to open the door for Hyunjin and cocked his head curiously.

Hyunjin bowed his head and shuffled to the door.

“Um, I’m Hyunjin … and thank you, Sir.”

Chan smiled, and for the first time, Hyunjin noticed the man’s eyes flicker down to the carrier for a split second, before meeting Hyunjin’s eyes.

“You don’t have to call me sir unless you want to. Professor or Chan is fine. Have a safe commute home, alright? See you next week, Hyunjin.”

The boy nodded politely and walked out into the hallway, hearing the door click closed quietly behind him.

His other two classes were nightmares.

The baby woke up for one, and she gurgled happily in her carrier for the hour, but the professor was not happy, Hyunjin could tell. She kept sliding him disdainful looks when the baby cooed, and looked down her nose at him when he stood up to bravely answer a question. When she responded to his answer with a short, clipped reply, he sank into his seat and thought to himself, okay, this is the last time I ever answer one of your questions, bitch. He put his head in his arms on his desk and avoided falling asleep before the class ended.

The next class the baby fussed through, and he was in and out of the back door the entire time, only catching half of the lecture, and everyone noticed. The students in the back row glared at him every time he stood up, scooping the infant into his arms and bounding her on his shoulder, and he refused to look at any of them, keeping his anxiety to himself. The professor was an old, nearly blind man, however, so luckily, Hyunjin and the baby popping in and out of the back door probably went unnoticed.

By the time Hyunjin was walking off campus, lugging the carrier and his bag, not stuffed with new textbooks and pressing hard into his shoulder, he wanted to fall over. He wanted to cry, call his mom, and give up. But he pressed forward, determined to get home first.

The universe had other plans.

“Hyunjin-Hyung!”

Hyunjin stopped walking and bowed his head, sighing. Seungmin was the younger brother of one of his friends, Minho, and was taking freshman science in the building next to Hyunin’s. He was a smart boy, a few years younger than the rest of Hyunjin’s friend group, but he fit right in, and after not seeing him all summer … Hyunjin had missed him. But everything was different now.

Seungmin came running across the sidewalk, stopping a few feet from Hyunjin, a surprised and startled look on his face, shadowing the excitement that was in his voice.

“What’s … how are you? What’s, uh, what’s going on?”

Hyunjin turned to face the younger boy and gave him a small smile. He took his chances and gestured to the carrier.

“Hi, Seungmin. I’m alright … I have a baby, now. If you want, you can come over tomorrow night, I invited Felix, Jisung, and your brother already. Can we catch up then? Like last year?” He tried not to throw up at the words, but Seungmin smiled so wide, it soothed the small ache in his chest.

“Sure! Can I bring Changbin-hyung, too? We share a room now; would that be alright? That way we can all be together again?” He rubbed his hands in excitement and his eyes kept darting from the bright pink blanket draped over the carrier to Hyunjin’s tired eyes.

“That would be great, Minnie. One less invitation for me to deliver,” Hyunjin chuckled, relief coursing through him at how easy conversations with Seungmin were, even after months of no contact. That was Seungmin. It was just … easy to be friends with him.

“Okay, hyung. I missed you, I’m excited to … see you again. Can I, um,” Seungmin practically bounced from one foot to the other, his arms hanging awkwardly by his sides, “Can I hug you?”

Hyunjin felt his heart split open in the worst way at the question. He barely stifled a sob as he gently set the carrier and his bag down before spreading his arms for his friends.

“Of course, Minnie, please do … I think I’ll die without one, to be honest …”

Seungmin cackled lightly before diving into the embrace, and Hyunjin sighed in comfort, relaxing for the first time that day. He nuzzled his nose into Seungmin’s shoulder and closed his eyes, wondering in the corner of his mind how on earth he was supposed to survive this year.

He had settled into a routine now that it had been two weeks, and the baby was doing fine. She was happy, she slept a lot, drank formula from a bottle with no issues, and snuggling at night even helped to calm some of Hyunjin’s anxiety.

The day after classes began, Hyunjin worked from home, answering calls and writing emails from his computer at the kitchen table while he quietly cleaned and prepared for his friends to come over.

His roommate, Jeongin, had been away for a few weeks because of family, and was now sleeping off his fourteen-hour flight in his room down the hall. Hyunjin had explained everything to the boy, who was as close to him as a brother, and the younger had accepted everything with no complaints, even offering to assist with the childcare duties if Hyunjin ever needed any help. Hyunjin had cried silently for hours at those words, hugging Jeongin in thanks. It would be a lot to get used to, but having at least one person who supported him felt so refreshing, he wasn’t sure what he would do about it.

By the time the first doorbell ring sounded at 4 pm, Hyunjin had dinner ready and kept warm on the stove and had just settled his daughter in her cradle up in his bedroom to sleep for a few hours. She always slept the longest in the evenings around this time, so he had a little more freedom.

Felix and Jisung walked through the apartment door, followed quickly by Minho. Hyunjin watched from the living room doorway as they silently toed off their shoes and shrugged off their jackets, closing the door behind them. Felix found Hyunjin’s eyes first and without thinking twice, walked over to him and gathered him in his arms, squeezing tight. Jisung and Minho walked over as well, each placing a hand on Hyunjin’s back and they all just … stood there, quietly. For a long time before Hyunjin had the energy to stand up, wiping his eyes briefly, and lead them to the sofas where they could sit.

Minho poured each of them a mug of tea before settling down on the rug in front of Hyunjin’s knees, Felix and Jisung sitting on either side of the young father.

Hyunjin had barely opened his mouth before the doorbell rang softly again. Within ten minutes, Seungmin and Changbin were also on the rug in front of Hyunjin, a mug of tea in one hand and the other hand gently resting on Hyunjin’s knees. They all waited quietly, patiently for him to speak, to explain why none of them had heard from him all summer and why he suddenly now had a baby.

When he finished, it was over an hour later and Felix’s stomach was growling loudly, making everyone smile through their tears. Changbin was the first to stand up, pulling Hyunjin up as well and into his arms, squeezing hard, murmuring his support and love quietly. Hyunjin was beginning to get overstimulated and overwhelmed at the amount of physical contact he had been given over the last twenty-four hours, but he’d never say no to a hug from his hyung.

They meandered next into the kitchen, Seungmin and Jisung working together to serve everyone plates of rice and stew, and Hyunjin’s heart pinged at the sight. Everyone still knew their way around his home, and he loved it. He loved it so, so much. They all sat around the kitchen and living room, talking quietly and letting a soft atmosphere settle over the home, soothing the tension and vulnerability of the previous hours.

Hyunjin felt a calm come over him as he watched all his friends welcome themselves back into his life as if nothing had happened, as if his life hadn’t been turned on its axis in their absence. They were all together, again … and suddenly, it felt easier. His shoulders felt lighter, and while his eyes still stung, his heart didn’t.

The baby monitor crackled as his daughter woke up from her evening nap, and he smiled softly, setting his fork down. Felix piped up from his seat by the window, softly calling out,

“Take your time, Hyunnie … we’ll take care of dishes, okay?”

He came down the stairs a good thirty minutes later. His tiny kitchen was clean and tucked in for the night, the lights were dimmed, and his friends were all gathering in the living room, pulling extra blankets and pillows from the chests and baskets scattered around, and settling in for a movie, mugs of tea on every surface.

Minho turned when he noticed Hyunjin standing in the doorway, the baby snuggled up to his chest, and Hyunjin tried not to meet his gaze, but the sparkle in the elder’s eyes pulled at his already fragile emotions.

Minho was the one that he had truly been terrified of, remembering how much they had fought and hated each other before they became friends, and knowing Minho’s sharp tongue. He held on to some of that fear as he slowly walked toward the living room, patting the child’s back rhythmically.

His hyung met him halfway, standing in front of him in the hallway, his hands in his pockets and the evening making him look soft.

“Hyunjin …” he started but shook his head as if disagreeing with himself. He started again, keeping his voice gentle, “I need you to know, okay? I don’t … I don’t hate you for what happened. No one hates you, okay? Please …” he looked up at Hyunjin, a flicker of desperation reflecting in his eyes, “please, tell me you know this?”

He took another step closer to the Hyunjin and the younger boy fought tears for the hundredth time that night. In lieu of a response, he smiled and nodded, cocking his head questioningly as he gestured softly at his hyung.

“You want to hold her? Make Felix jealous?”

“Hell, yes. Gimme.”

Jeongin shuffled out of his bedroom, his hair sticking up oddly and his sweatshirt having left lines on his cheeks and neck. He rubbed his eyes and wandered over to Hyunjin, his arms out for a hug. Hyunjin smiled, putting his plate in the sink and letting the younger boy wake up with his face buried in his hyung’s shoulder. Jeongin murmured something about being hungry, but Minho had already gotten him a plate, shoving it into his hands the second he detached himself from Hyunjin.

Around his chewing, he blinked at Hyunjin and asked, “Where’s the baby?”

Hyunjin smiled. Minho huffed. “Seungmin stole her from me, they’re in the living room.”

Jeongin grinned and nodded, leaning back against the counter.

“Y’all are gonna be fighting over her till she’s in high school, huh.”

“Hyunjinnie-ah?” Changbin called from his spot on the carpet. He had laid down right next to the baby when Minho put her down on her back on the infant pillow, and the two of them had been comically peering at one another for several long minutes before the man piped up. Hyunjin turned from where he’d been standing, talking with Minho about school.

“Yes, hyung?”

Changbin softly bit his lip and asked, his voice pulling everyone else from their conversations,

“What’s … what’s, uh, her name?”

Hyunjin held his breath and hung his head. Stupid of him, he should’ve realized someone was bound to ask sooner rather than later. He clasped both hands in front of him and gathered his words. He felt Minho put a hand on his shoulder, lending him some of his confidence.

He looked up and smiled sadly. “When they asked me, at the hospital, I, heh, I panicked. So, I gave her her mothers’ name.” Seeing the look on Changbin’s face, he looked down, feeling his eyes become damp again at the memory. It was only two weeks ago, but he felt lifetimes older now. Generations.

Changbin looked at Minho and then at Felix and seeing the recognition and heartbreak he felt in his chest also mirrored in their eyes, nodded and looked back at the wiggling little lady in front of him, her tiny hands grasping the air and her legs curling up to her tiny stomach.

“Okay … well, hello, Nari …” he whispered, leaning over her to watch her little face move when she heard him.

“I am your Changbin-hyungie … it’s so nice to meet you …” he cooed, reaching out and letting her hand wrap around his pinky finger.

He grinned at the feeling. “I … I will be your favorite.”

Felix cackled loudly from his seat and Hyunjin smiled widely from Minho’s embrace. The funny thing about Changbin’s boast was that he was probably right.

Week Two

September 

Friday rolled around once more and Hyunjin prepared for his second day of classes, making sure he submitted his homework on time, packing his backpack and readying his newly acquired diaper bag for Nari. Seungmin had insisted he buy it for him, saying it was his duty as an uncle. Hyunjin appreciated it though; having someplace to keep diapers and extra pacifiers that wasn’t his smelly backpack from high school was nice. He shrugged on his coat and picked up the carrier, groaning when his shoulder spasmed in protest. He sighed. He’d grow stronger with every trip across the city, he mused.

The subway wasn’t too crowded, and he boarded the train easily, ignoring the questioning looks from strangers and listening to his earbuds playing calming music. He checked his phone for the time and sighed in relief when he saw he wasn’t late. He walked through the station and up onto the street, soon approaching the college building.

Finding Chan’s history classroom was easier this week, since he knew more about where he was going. He took a deep breath to relax his shoulders and opened the big wooden door.

“So, wait … I’m confused … her bones … you said her bones are … mushy?” Jisung’s eyes went comically wide as he suddenly shifted his hold on Nari as if she was made of jelly and was about to slip through his fingers. He stared at Hyunjin, who had to laugh at his friend’s horrified face.

“No, agh … listen,” he tried to explain the funny phenomenon as he continued putting plates and silverware into the dishwasher.

“So, she did most of the developing in the womb, but like, there’s still lots of growing left to do, right? like her hair and her fingernails, and her muscles are still working on where to go and stuff …” he had to smile at the strange-sounding words coming out of his mouth, and he shoved thoughts of Nari’s mother far away, “so, for the next several weeks, she’s still growing internally too … her brain is working hard, so her skull has to like make room and shift before it settles into a solid shape … I know, I know, “ he giggled at Jisung’s growing horror, “It sounds weird, but she’s fine, we just have to be gentle with her head. Hence the outstanding number of blankets your roommate has given me.” Hyunjin couldn’t resist an eyeroll.

Jisung, while processing, swayed from side to side, and curled his arms defensively around Nari, who gurgled and curled her fingers in oblivion. He nodded and looked down at the baby, smiling lightly.

“I see … little jelly baby … interesting …” he looked up at Hyunjin, who was now drying his hands and watching them.

“Little jelly baby …”

“You’re jelly father …”

“Ah, thank you.”

“I’ll get you a hoodie that says it on the front.”

“Nice.”

Week Three

September 

Hyunjin trudged through the subway, his earbuds playing light lofi to keep his mind off the ache in his arm. He lugged Nari’s carrier up the school steps and smiled awkwardly at a few passing students, relieved they didn’t make any comments he would have to half-ass a reply to. He finally reached the top of the steps and switched arms, exhaling up into his bangs to get them out of his eyes.

“Oh, here … let me get the door … there.” Hyunjin heard a kind voice and looked up, mid-step, to see Chan smiling at him, holding the big glass doors open for him. Chan also had headphones on, a full backpack over his light brown leather jacket, and a coffee in one hand. He smiled kindly at Hyunjin and the younger boy felt his insides turn to mush slightly.

He whispered a thank you, having no breath left for much else, and shuffled the carrier and himself through the big doors. Chan followed him and gestured generically.

“How is she doing?”

Hyunjin smiled politely and nodded. “She’s alright … these are the easy days, I guess, she’s so small, she just eats and sleeps.” He winced, now why would I say that?

Chan laughed lightly as they walked together past the front desk and down to the main corridor, laden with classroom doors on one side and tall, glass windows on the other.

“I see … well, count your blessings, I guess. And how is Hyunjin doing?”

The younger boy smiled to himself, feeling the jelly that was his stomach twitch a little at the question. “He’s alright, I think … a little tired, but … nothing he can’t handle.”

Chan walked in front of him to hold open the door to his classroom, his smile turning to a smirk as Hyunjin walked through it, and he sassed back,

“Hmmm … well, tell him I think he’s doing a great job, okay?”

Hyunjin found himself laughing outright. “Hah! Yeah, I’ll mention it … after I yell at him for his late assignment in his English class …”

Chan gasped sarcastically, closing the door and walking over to his desk, pulling off his headset and setting his backpack down on the chair, a mocking tone taking over his pleasant voice.

“A late assignment?!? In English?!? Punishable by death, if I remember correctly.”

Hyunjin finally got to his desk and set Nari’s carrier down, stretching his neck and shoulder painfully as he got settled. He smiled at Chan.

“To the guillotine I go, I guess.” 

Week Four

October 

“Hey … don’t take this the wrong way, okay?” Chan mused quietly, looking over his glasses as Hyunjin struggled to make his way to the front of the classroom, after everyone had scrambled to leave once the lecture was over. Hyunjin sighed silently, here we go.

“But … I see you lug that thing in here every day, and I was just curious … have you ever thought of, maybe a stroller? It might be easier to get her in and out of the train that way, too. Also, it might save your back, I know how finnicky those things can be.”

Breathing a massive sigh of relief when he realized that the ‘thing’ Chan was talking about was the baby carrier and not his daughter, Hyunjin smiled politely and nodded, shrugging his book bag further up his shoulder.

“Yes, it’s just …” he tried to find an excuse that wasn’t the truth, but floundered, finding none, “It’s just … they’re really expensive,” he laughed nervously and looked down, feeling his cheeks flush in embarrassment.

He missed Chan’s nod and thoughtful look, but he heard the murmured reply, “Ah, I see … well, safe travels and have a good night, Hyunjin,” and he nodded, smiling despite the slight bubbles of shame in his stomach, and wrestled Nari’s carrier out the classroom door.

The next week, he arrived at class early as usual, and Chan was on the phone, talking quietly at his desk, surrounded by test papers he was in the middle of grading. He smiled at Hyunjin as he passed by, but otherwise he paid him no heed.

Hyunjin tripped over his shoelaces and caught himself on his desk, and his eyes immediately landed on the object next to it. It was large, a glossy black, and meant for him, leaning up against his chair meaningfully. It was tucked in a black cloth cover, but four distinctive wheels stuck out of the bottom and Hyunjin’s jaw dropped.

He set Nari down on the floor and spun around, staring at Chan from the back of the classroom. Chan was still on the phone, softly speaking every few seconds, but his eyes sparkled back at Hyunjin, and he gently nodded.

Chan had bought him a stroller.

It wasn’t a cheap one either. It transformed into bigger sizes as babies grew, and the top came off, becoming a car seat. It was expensive.

Chan had spent real money on Hyunjin’s baby.

He didn’t attempt to put it together until after class, stuffing his anxiety and embarrassment way, far down into his chest, and simply focusing on a task. He slowly uncovered the stroller, folded the cover, put it into the diaper bag, and set to unfolding the lanky thing.

He slowly felt his cheeks heat up as he struggled with the legs and body of it, trying to make sense of all the parts, and he ended up sitting on the floor next to his desk and Nari, who was sound asleep, having kept him up all night. It neared ten minutes passed class ending, and he began to think he would have to fold the stroller up and figure it out at home.

“Let me,” he looked up to see Chan’s shoes staring at him and pulled his eyes upwards to meet the man’s gaze. Chan knelt down next to him, and gently took the stroller from his hands, quickly and quietly making perfect sense of all the appendages, his strong hands working lithely and causing the butterflies in Hyunjin’s stomach to rise from dormancy.

Soon, the beautiful black stroller was standing on her elegant legs, the sleek white finish staring at them from the wheels and cloth cover. Chan looked satisfied at it for a few seconds before turning to smile at Hyunjin, who had failed to close his mouth after the surprise of Chan swooping in like that.

A few moments of silence passed before Chan’s smile faded slightly and he murmured,

“You okay? Did I go too far?” his eyebrows knit in worry and the sight made Hyunjin’s heart jump.

Hyunjin swallowed and shook his head.

“I’m okay, thank you so much, I just … no one’s really done something like this for me, before, so I … I just … it’s gonna take me a minute, sorry…” he looked down at his hands folded in his lap and blinked away a few tears.

And as if his heart could take any more, Chan surprised him by gently laying a hand on his shoulder and speaking softly, his gentle voice cascading into his ears like raw honey,

“It’s the least I could do, Hyunjin-ah. You work so hard all day, and you’re doing so well … I wanted you to have something nice for your baby. Thank you for letting me gift you,” Hyunjin could hear the smile in the man’s voice, and stifled a groan at the kind words.

“Woah, woah, woah …” Seungmin groaned around his mouthful of noodles. They had all gathered at his and Changbin’s apartment for a game night and Hyunjin had just wrestled the stroller up the elevator and into the boy’s front door. Seungming clocked the new item the second Hyunjin took his shoes off and started to take Nari out.

“Where did you get that kind of money, hyung?”

Hyunjin blushed and smiled, shouldering the infant and grabbing her pacifier to clip it to his shirt. He straightened up, wincing when his shoulder and upper back cracked loudly, and started to walk into the kitchen, where Seungmin and his older brother were stood, serving dinner. Minho was at the stove, a towel over his shoulder as he cooked, and was listening to the conversation with a small smile.

“Um, one of my professors actually gave it to me …” Hyunjin tried to sound casual about it … because, it was casual, right? and focused on Nari to avoid thinking about the warm feeling spreading through his stomach at the memory.

Minho’s head whipped around faster than Seungmin could say anything and gasped lightly.

“A professor? Bought you a stroller? What kind of classes are you taking?”

Seungmin finished choking on his noodles and raised his hand comically, “Yeah, sincerely, what the shit, Hyunjin … professors are notorious for hating their students?”

Minho turned around, a serious expression lighting up his face immediately. “Are you doing favors, Hyunjinnie-ah? That’s not cool, you can’t go around-“

Hyunjin cut them both off with a hand in the air and a whisper-shout, “Hey! Guys! Just, stop …” he smiled and shook his head. “It was just a gift … I promise. He was sweet about it, it’s not that big of a deal.”

Seungmin’s eyes got wide. “It’s a dude?”

Minho also folded his hands in confusion. “A man bought you a stroller?”

Hyunjin sighed, annoyed now. He smirked and spun around on his heel, carrying Nari to the living room. “I’m walking away now, you two are ridiculous …”

Watching Hyunjin’s back as he walked out of hearing range, Minho’s mind started whirring as he ran through the possible scenarios. He knit his eyebrows and settled against the kitchen counter, wondering in silence. His younger brother broke his train of thought some several minutes later, asking softly from his seat at the island,

“Are you thinking that it’s Channie-hyung?”

Minho nodded, still watching the living room doorway, and answered.

“I kind of am, yeah.”

Week Five 

October 

Minho and Seungmin visited, Minho to help Hyunjin with a project for work, and Seungmin to watch the baby while they did. They had recently had a freak snowstorm and were all huddled in slippers and big fluffy sweaters, enjoying the hot cocoa that Seungmin had splurged on.

“How are you doing, really, though?” Minho asked seriously when they took a break to refill their mugs of tea and grab a light snack together. He opened the fridge for milk and gave Hyunjn a questioning look.

Lately Minho had been asking a lot, and it was giving Hyunjin a tiny, creeping, sense of dread. He knew his hyung was worried, him the most out of all of his friends, and he knew that Minho would keep asking, his tone low and soft like this, until Hyunjin finally broke and told him everything. That was just Minho being Minho.

Hyunjin sank his shoulders a little and shook his head, answering his hyung as honestly as he dared. He wasn’t ready to tell him everything yet. As sick as the cycle was, he knew he had to be asked a few more times before he was even close to ready for it. he felt terrible, doing this to Minho, but at the same time, he felt stuck, not knowing how to change the routine they’d established as children.

“I honestly try not to think too much, hyung … I just focus on getting through the day, and taking care of her, and getting enough sleep, and … it’s a lot. I don’t really think about me too much these days …” he tried to laugh it off, but Minho leveled him with a look.

The older boy set the milk on the counter and finished preparing their tea. He walked back over to the table where they’d been working and sighed gently.

“You know that’s not very good for you, right? Have you maybe thought about dropping school for a few months? Maybe finding a therapist?”

Hyunjin shook his head. “No … I can do it. it’s only one day a week, plus the coursework isn’t even really that hard, it’s just … getting there every week.” He fiddled with the handle on his mug as he thought about it.

Minho nodded. “Okay. Well, please … take care of yourself? You’re doing great with Nari, but you could be doing better if you took the time to shower and eat more often,” he smiled cheekily at Hyunjin’s tiny gasp.

“Hyung! What, do I smell, or something?”

Minho cackled and sipped his tea. “Not telling. Go shower. Seugnmin and I’ve got Nira.”

Hyunjin huffed and stood up, his mock fury on his face making Minho laugh and sass,  

“Agh, take a long shower … do all the things, okay?”

Hyunjin stalked away, blushing at Minho’s implication and sighed softly.

Week Six 

October 

Jeongin was cuddling with Nari, sitting criss-cross applesauce on their large, green sofa, watching a show. Hyunjin had gone out for groceries and had timidly asked Jeongin if he minded watching her while he ran out, having felt sick at the thought of lugging the stroller down the elevator and across the town in the rain just for a bag or two of food. Jeongin had secretly leapt for joy at his hyung’s request, but he kept it professional.

Now, thirty minutes and two episodes later, Nari was starting to stir in his lap, her little fists coming up to her face to rub her eyes every few minutes. Jeongin checked his phone and sighed softly, smiling down at her.

“Hey, do you know why your daddy is taking so long? Not that I do not love the cuddle sesh, but I’m actually starting to get a little worried …” he wrinkled his nose and smiled again at her, rubbing her little blanket-covered tummy to help soothe his simmering anxiety.

He checked his phone again, and quietly resolved to wait until it was 8:00 to call his hyung.

Hyunjin was waiting for a crosswalk, his arms beginning to shake with cold and exhaustion, his head bowed as the rain pelted down mercilessly. The dark had made it hard to see, so he squinted, his head beginning to pound. He sighed, feeling the all-too-familiar bubbling feeling of tears in his throat, and closed his eyes briefly. He felt a few splatters of mud on his coat as a wave of several cars drove by in front of him as he waited.

And then, the bottoms of the feeble, plastic grocery bags in his hands split open, the handful and a half of items spilling out onto the cold, wet, and dirty pavement.

Hyunjin didn’t move for three long seconds, simply standing still, his eyes closed, praying for patience and emotional stability.

No one answered his prayers.

Slowly, his fingers shaking with cold and his bangs dripping full of rain into his eyes, Hyunjin crouched down and gathered the groceries. He pulled them into his arms, tears slowly dripping and mixing with the raindrops. It’s not a big deal, it’s not a big deal, it’s not a big deal, it’s not a big deal, it’s not a big-

Suddenly, the rain stopped, and he looked up to see an umbrella appearing above his head. He blinked, his eyelashes sticking together in wetness, and the streetlights reflecting on the pavement and building surrounding him. His mouth hung open in surprise and he froze his actions, staring up at Chan, who was looking down with sympathetic eyes.

Before he could say a word, Chan sank to his knees, in the rainy street, and picked up the last of the items and tucked them into his coat pockets, smiling gently at Hyunjin. He held the umbrella over them both with the other hand, and Hyunjin found his words and breath both frozen in his throat.

He barely managed to wipe his face, embarrassed of how he looked, red-faced with legendary under-eye bags, and sniffled. Chan responded to his silence in kind, but it was peaceful … safe. It was normal, it was just … them.

After a minute, once the meek groceries were tucked safely into both their pockets, Chan slowly held out his hand to help Hyunjin up, standing up slowly, still holding the umbrella to shade them from the nighttime storm. Hyunjin took it and stood as well, his knees popping loudly.

When they stood up, Chan didn’t let go. He simply looked across the street and, seeing no cars, led Hyunjin over the sidewalk. A rumble of thunder echoed in the street they walked down, but Hyunjin couldn’t hear it. He wiped his eyes one last time and slowly looked his professor … his professor! … up and down.

Chan was wearing a long, black, wool coat, a black beanie, and dark blue jeans. His gloves were soft, warming Hyunjin’s hands thoroughly. As Hyunjin kept looking gently, he picked out small details that he’d never seen before, things he couldn’t see from across a classroom.

Things like a tiny silver hoop earring that peeked out from under the black beanie. Things like the most subtle eyebrow slit that was tucked under a few stray curls. Things like the sparkles of gold that shone from his deep brown irises that were focused on the sidewalk that was stretching out in front of them, leading them to the giant apartment building in the corner of the city. Things like the slightly pouty upper lip, the golden wire-rimmed glasses perched on the bridge of the man’s nose, and the shadow of a dimple in his-

“This is your building, right?” came the man’s soft voice, sounding like surround sound because of the black umbrella that covered Hyunjin’s head.

The younger boy nodded, swallowing hard. “Yes, thank you.”

Chan nodded, and as they climbed the steps to the front of the building, under the big, maroon awning, he took out the two bottles and one bag from his pockets and handed them to Hyunjin, who took them silently. He then folded the umbrella and tucked it under his arm, briefly shaking the remaining raindrops from his head and smiling gently. They stood under the awning together, Hyunjin’s arms half-way overflowing with small groceries, for a few long moments, blinking at each other, before Chan nodded and said,

“Goodnight, Hyunjin. See you in class next week.” He then unfolded the umbrella, slowly walked down the steps, and without looking back at Hyunjin, walked away down the sidewalk.

Hyunjin was in the elevator, approaching his floor, when he finally absorbed what happened, and he cursed quietly to himself.

“Ah, fuck.”

He stumbled into the apartment, his coat soaked through and his hair dripping onto the carpet. He managed to set the groceries down on the bench and strip off his wet shoes before Jeongin rounded the corner, relief painting his soft face.

“Hyung! I was just starting to get worried. Are you alright, you’re soaked.”

Hyunjin stood up, his shirt sticking to his chest when he shrugged off his coat. He smiled sheepishly at Jeongin and spread his hands helplessly. “I’m sorry, Innie-ah … there was a massive line at the shop, and then my bags broke on the crosswalk. I tried to hurry, but thank you so much for watching Nari, was she okay for you?”

Jeongin smiled and nodded, curiosity still in his eyes. “Oh, of course, she’s fine … I just tucked her in upstairs … you sure you’re good?” he looked Hyunjin up and down, and suddenly the older felt his cheeks flush, despite the chills running through him from the rain and wind.

“Y-yeah,” he laughed nervously, bending to pick up the groceries and shuffle past Jeongin, heading to the kitchen. “You ready for dinner?”  

Week Seven 

October 

Five minutes after Hyunjin had gotten settled at his desk, Nari happily asleep, Chan walked up to his desk and placed a to-go coffee cup in front of him. When Hyunjin registered the man had given him a coffee, he blinked up at him, confusion blurring his thoughts a little too much for comfort. Sleep still blurred his eyesight, and he couldn’t find words for an appropriate question. Stuck. He was stuck. Again.

Chan merely smiled and shrugged his shoulders.

“They messed mine up, so I have two. You can have this one.”

Before Hyunjin could respond or say thank you, the young professor was walking back toward his desk, where his own coffee was waiting for him. Hyunjin caught the silver hoop earring reflecting the sunlight from the window and sparkling slightly as the man walked.

He blinked for a few moments before gently taking the cup and feeling the warmth seep through his cold fingers. He closed his eyes and took a tentative sip before going back to his homework, letting the odd interaction roll off his back and away. It was fine, it wasn’t a big deal.

Week Eight 

November 

They were supposed to be watching a video on Medieval England, but Hyunjin was only halfway paying attention. He was standing in the back row, behind the row of mostly empty desks, bounding Nari on his shoulder. She was a little fussy, but lately she refused to go to sleep unless rocked first. He rocked her back and forth, up and down, patting her back lightly and rubbing her little feet in his hand comfortingly. She snuggled up to him and fell asleep listening to the drone of the online professor’s voice.

Hyunjin was half asleep himself, dead on his feet after staying up most of the night to finish his homework for his other classes and then Nari waking him at 4 to drink her bottle. He let his eyes droop closed briefly, and before he could wake himself, he heard Chan dismissing the class.

Feeling incredibly embarrassed and sheepish for falling asleep (literally on his feet??) in class, he hurried to settle Nari in the stroller without waking her. The rest of the students had left by the time he had gently transferred her to the seat and successfully buckled her without waking her up. He covered the stroller with a blanket and stood up, startled to see Chan standing next to his desk, patiently waiting.

Expecting a scolding, Hyunjin bowed his head and closed his eyes.

Before he could think of an apology, he felt a hand on his shoulder, and he looked up to see Chan looking worriedly down at him.

The older man spoke softly, considerate of the sleeping baby.

“Hyunjin, I don’t want you to break your back for this class. You can always take an off day, and I can email you the texts we went over. You don’t have to push yourself for a silly history class.”

Hyunjin found himself comfortable enough to snort lightly. “But I like the ‘silly history class’.” He blushed a little when Chan rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, I bet you loved the bits you slept through. On your feet. Rocking your baby to sleep.”

Hyunjin hung his head again. Chan had a point.

The professor dropped his hand, and Hyunjin found himself missing the weight and warmth.

“I’m serious. You have my number from the syllabus; text me if you don’t feel like coming in, and I’ll send you the homework or assignment notes. You’re a good student, I get to do nice things for the good students,” he explained, folding his arms across his chest as if he wasn’t planning on letting Hyunjin leave without agreeing.

Hyunjin sighed, looked up, and wrinkled his nose. He rubbed his eyes and nodded, feeling defeated. Chan did print his number on the top of the syllabus for any student emergencies … Hyunjin just didn’t quite feel important enough. His situation didn’t feel important enough.

“Thank you, hyung … I’ll think about it.”

Chan smiled and nodded triumphantly. Hyunjin felt his stomach flip as the man cocked his head, his brown eyes sparkling in the morning light.

“Can I walk you to your next class? To make sure you don’t fall asleep on your feet … in the middle of the hallway and get run over by some freshman?”

Hyunjin gasped, gathering his things. “First of all, you make me sound like I haven’t slept in days-,”

Chan interrupted him, also moving to collect his things from his desk, “Which you haven’t, I can tell,” he pointed a finger at Hyunjin jovially.

The younger boy squinted sarcastically, “Ah, takes one to know one, huh?”

Chan blushed, holding the door for Hyunjin. “Oh, shush. I’m just older than you, so I’m right about everything. Also, you were literally asleep on your feet in the middle of the road the other day.”

He walked to a nearby coffee shop on his way home from college, since he had been struggling with a headache and hadn’t been able to wake up well the last few days or so. It definitely had nothing to do with the fact that he had been lying awake for hours at night, either soothing a newborn or thinking about a newborn. Not that, no. Probably something else.

He wrestled the carrier in the door and stood in line for a minute before ordering a large coffee and a muffing. He saw the two barista’s glance at Nari and share a smile, and Hyunjin felt his heart ping a little. Was it pride? Was he proud of having a cute baby? He shook his head, having no clue what he felt, and moved on, smiling politely at the other customers in the shop.

As he waited for his order, he sat at a small booth in the corner, pulling out his phone to check on his socials. He hadn’t been on in weeks … not since Nari had been born, not really having the energy or the time to spend scrolling. He cleared most of the notifications, but one specifically caught his eye in the middle of the sea of alerts and banners.

chan_bang29 from your contacts is on Instagram (image)

Hyunjin froze. He had put Chan’s number into his phone on a whim, not intending to do anything with it, and he had done it with his other two professors as well. He stared at the profile picture, which was that of a brown and white cocker spaniel smiling at the camera, and his finger hovered on the account. It was beyond tempting.

He was startled when the barista called his name for his order, and he shoved his phone so hard into his coat pocket, that his finger caught on the zipper and ripped a chunk of his fingernail off. He laughed at himself in pain as he grabbed the drink and muffin bag, breathlessly thanking the employees and shuffling out the door.

Week Nine 

November 

Hyunjin had been at his desk for almost thirty minutes, studying a random sheet of text from a record they were researching, Nari draped on his shoulder and covered in a white blanket, asleep after a few minutes of bouncing and cuddling, before he even noticed the small stuffed panda that sat, staring at him, from its spot next to his phone.

He picked it up, curious as to why he hadn’t seen it until now and turned it over in his hand. It was adorable, and obviously meant for Nari, who had only one stuffy so far. He looked again at his desk, hoping to find a note that would tell him who the stuffed panda was from. He looked around, seeing both Felix and Jisung buried in their textbooks as well, and smiled. It must have been one of his friends, he would have to thank them later. He tucked the panda into the diaper bag and went back to studying, shifting Nari to his other shoulder.

“Felix! It’s cute, thank you … she’ll love it,” Hyunjin said, once they were in the hallway heading to the next lecture.

Felix turned around; his eyebrows knit in confusion.

“What’s cute?”

Hyunjin cocked his head. “The panda? Wasn’t it from you and Jisung?”

Felix smiled strangely and shook his head. “No, that wasn’t us … can I see?”

Hyunjin pulled the small stuffy out of his bag and watched Felix turn it over in his hands just as he had earlier.

“That is cute,” he grinned, as if he knew something, and Hyunjin stomped his foot a little.

“Come on, Felix … is it you? I don’t mind, like why … why are you …”

Felix handed the panda back and closed his eyes, shaking his head saucily.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. But I love you, see you in class!” He shone Hyunjin another brilliant smile and turned around to get to his next class.

Sunday

Hyunjin was in his bed, the infant pillow next to him, an abandoned plate of stir fry on the bedside table, and an equally abandoned book open in his lap. He had been staring at Nari for the better part of an hour and was just now beginning to make sense of the thoughts running rampant through his mind.

She was two months old today. Two weeks old turned to two months so fast, and suddenly he was looking at a whole baby, not just a little fairy, a little bundle of skin and blankets … this was an entire child in his hands. She was growing so fast; he blinked and now she was starting to learn how to smile.

Nari recognized him, her eyes finding him when he walked into the room, her legs kicking softly in excitement. She would crack the tiniest smile and coo, babbling little sounds at him when he picked her up. Hyunjin would do his best to smile back at her and look in her tiny eyes when he snuggled her, letting her recognize his face and hear his voice.

She would hold onto his finger and bring it to her mouth, sucking on it and tasting his skin. He thought it was strange at first, but after calling his mother in a panic, she told him it was perfectly normal, that was just what little ones do. Since they couldn’t ask questions, this was how they explored the world, with their mouth.

He was trying. He really was. He wasn’t scared of dropping her anymore, could juggle household tasks while holding her now, and had mastered changing diapers in his sleep, a personal goal of his from the very beginning. He no longer swore at the stupid buttons holding her onesies closed or flipped off the buckles in her carrier when they refused to work properly. He felt he was doing well.

So, why was he sat here … tears brimming his eyes, his heart racing, as he stared at his daughter, peacefully sleeping on his bed? The more he looked at her, the more he saw … her strawberry blond peach fuzz covering her head, her long lashes that looked like …

She looked just like her mother.

Hyunjin gasped for breath, tears finally escaping his eyes, as he gently scrambled off the bed, clutching his phone to his chest, and blindly ran to his closet, sitting down in the dark corner and texting the first contact that popped up.

9:38pm

Changbin-hyung

help

Changbin stared at his phone for way too long before processing. He leapt up from his bed and threw on shoes and a jacket horrendously fast before darting out the front door, shouting a random excuse at Seungmin, who hollered at him from his room.

The sidewalk disappeared under Changbin’s feet as he flew down the road, running to Hyunjin’s apartment. His phone still in his hand and open to Hyunjin’s text, his heart in his throat, and his fingers slowly going numb, he bounded up the steps and let himself in with the spare key under the mat.

Feeling the world spin around him a little but ignoring it, the older boy shed his shoes and jacket and began to wander around the apartment, looking for Hyunjin. He pulled out his phone and called Minho, just in case he needed back up.

“Hello? Binnie, it’s late …” Minho whined on the other end.

Changbin rolled his eyes, tiptoeing from the living room to the kitchen, keeping his voice down in case anyone was asleep.

“I know, sorry, hyung  … Hyunjin texted me, he needed help, and I’m at the apartment, but I haven’t found him yet. Have you heard anything?”

There was a rustling on the line. “No, he hasn’t messaged me in a few days. Seungmin wants to go over, too, is that okay?”

Changbin smiled ruefully. “Yeah, as long as I can find Hyunjin …” he trailed off, walking down the hallway to the bedrooms. He cracked open Jeongin’s, and seeing him sound asleep, both legs hanging off the side of the bed and his mouth open in a snore, moved further down the hallway to Hyunjin’s room.

“Try … um, try his closet … he used to hide in his closet when we were kids,” came Minho’s soft, almost whispered suggestion, and Changbin’s heart broke a little.

Staying on the phone, Changbin entered his friend’s bedroom, looking around, searching. The baby was safely snuggled in Hyunjin’s blankets on his bed, tucked in for the night. Hyunjin was nowhere in sight though, despite the lights being on and the dinner waiting for him on his bedside table.

Changbin eyed the closet doors suspiciously and walked silently toward them.

He took a deep breath and opened them, letting the soft bedroom light fall on Hyunjin, curled up, his knees by his chest and his head in his hands, his black hair crumpled adorably into a bun on the top of his head. His shoulders were rising and falling in obvious panic, but not a sound leaving his lips. Changbin sighed and nodded, feeling his chest tighten in sympathy for the younger.

He whispered into the phone, “Yeah, I got him.”

“Okay. Seungminnie is on his way, he can help you …”

Changbin hummed in response before hanging up. He didn’t move towards Hyunjin, knowing he didn’t like too much contact during panic attacks, and sat down on the bedroom floor in the closet doorway, crossing his legs and folding his hands. He looked at the floor between them and silently waited.

Hyunjin looked up slowly and muttered, his voice wet but calm.

“Just … just give me … I just need a minute …” he bit his lip and lowered his head again.

Changbin smiled and nodded, not moving.

“I’ll give you anything you want.”

Hyunjin took a deep breath and whispered, “I’m okay, hyung …” His eyes were a little red but other than that, he seemed like he did the majority of the panicking before Changbing arrived. 

“I know you are … do you want to tell me what happened?” Changbin held out his hand gently for Hyunjin to hold if he needed it.

The younger boy took his hyung’s hand and nodded, his voice only shaking from residual tears. His bangs fell in his face, accentuating the paleness of his complexion and giving him a pained, haunted look. He looked at Changbin and murmured,

“She’s, um … she’s just growing up really fast, and I … I don’t want to miss anything, I keep … I look at her and I keep seeing her mum and wondering if I can do this.” He rubbed his eyes with one hand and sniffled, looking away.

Changbin nodded. He watched his friend piece himself back together slowly and felt a surge of pride for the younger. “You’re not alone, Hyunnie … you know? We’re here now, you … you let us back in, and we can help. Just like when you texted earlier, right? You can ask us for help any time … because we love you. And we love your daughter.”

Hyunjin smiled weakly and nodded, hanging his head at Changbin’s words.

“And you can do it … you’re strong, remember? You’ll be alright … let’s get you to bed, okay? It’s late and you have work in the morning … Minnie’s on his way, too …” he sighed as he helped Hyunjin to his feet, pulling him into a hug, letting the boy catch his breath and lean on someone before leading him to his bedroom.

Forty minutes later, Hyunjin was tucked in bed, in Seungmin’s arms. The younger had arrived with take-out, painkillers, and plenty of hugs. Changbin helped Hyunjin crawl back into bed and Seungmin volunteered to stay with him that night in case he needed anything. Changbin, grateful for the help, scooped Nari up and took her to the living room, where he put on a show, got settled on one of the sofas, and rocked her back to sleep, watching her tiny face as she drifted off and whispering softly, his heart slowly repairing itself.

“Hello, baby girl … you’re getting so big … you’re growing up so fast … yes, you are … yes, I see you …” he smiled down at her.

“So beautiful … so beautiful, just like mummy and daddy, hm? Daddy loves you so much, you know? So, so, so, so, so much … and so does Uncle Felix, and Uncle Jeongin, and Uncle Minho, and Uncle-“

Week Ten 

November 

Felix was staring, dumbfounded, as he watched Hyunjin pick up the tiny board book that was sitting on his desk. He looked at it, curious, before shrugging and tucking it into his backpack, not even looking around the classroom to see who had put it there. This was the second or third time there had been surprise gifts left on the boy’s desk, waiting for him to notice them, and each time Hyunjin was oblivious to who they were from.

Hence, Felix stared, gaping mouth and eyes, as he watched it all unfold.

Chan also watched, from his seat at his desk, twiddling with a pencil and pretending to focus on his notes for the class. He glanced up every few seconds, watching Hyunjin take his books and pens out and not even noticing anything afoot. He bit back a laugh when he saw Felix staring openly too, furious that Hyunjin hadn’t caught on yet. Smiling to himself, he went back to work, wondering what the fuck was even going on at this point.

Sunday morning, Hyunjin was wandering the store, looking at random things, Nari strapped to his chest and sleeping peacefully. He had his headset on to fight the overstimulation that threatened him from every aisle. Felix and Jisung had fled with the cart, swearing they wouldn’t fill it with baby clothes, but Hyunjin hadn’t believed them. He smiled as he was reminded of the mischievous look adorning his best friends’ eyes and continued walking around.

Monday morning, he took a long walk, avoiding some snow flurries by a few minutes, and he brushed off a few friendly questions from strangers on his way in. His social battery average was slowly but surely dwindling as his experiences as a father grew, and all he wanted to do was hide in a hole for the rest of his life. All he wanted was for someone to take his shoulders and tell him that his life was still beautiful even though it was filled with fear and more fear. All he wanted was for someone to look at him and-

At night, he’d dreamt of hands on him, arms around him, making his heart pull in every direction, his mind finally quiet. He’d dreamt of a body next to him, holding him, and being held in return, a whisper of words he hadn’t heard in years, a song he could finally sing to, and a feeling of safety and pleasure that had seemed forbidden for so long.

He’d woken up sweaty and sticky and ashamed.

He’d worked from home that day, not having the energy to go to the office and smile for fake people with fake personalities. He needed to be quiet, hidden. He cried briefly into his morning coffee before shaking his hair loose and setting his shoulders, determined not to let Nari see him cry anymore.

Week Eleven 

November 

Soon Thanksgiving rolled around, and although he didn’t quite understand the American holiday, he was excited to have his friends over for a meal again. They had agreed to meet at Hyunjin’s apartment this year since they did Minho’s last year and Felix’s the year before that. He had busied himself with buying simple decorations like candles and the like, and a set of paper plates and napkins with leaves on them.

Thanksgiving, or any holiday that involved a big meal, was such a communal effort with his friends that it didn’t feel like work at all. Somebody would volunteer for this, another for that, and soon, bam. It was all done. This year, Minho had claimed the turkey, Jisung wanted to bring the roasted vegetable, Seungmin was determined to make at least three pies, and Felix was in charge of the drinks. Hyunjin bought a few extra side dishes and texted Changbin to see if he could find the pickles that Jeongin liked at his grandmother’s market across the city.

3:42 pm

Changbin-hyung

Sure, I can do that.

I’m excited 😊

Oh, also

Minho-hyung said he’s bringing a friend this year

Not like a boyfriend, but he said someone he knew from school last year

That cool with you?

Hyunjin smiled at his phone and put another set of plates and napkins in the cart.

3:45 pm

Hyunjinnnie

That’s wonderful, no I don’t mind

I’m also excited

Though if anyone else shows, we might need to borrow some chairs lol

Thursday 

Thanksgiving 

Changbin wandered through the door at around 3, Seungmin following, a few bags of items between them.

Christmas music playing moderately loudly from someone’s phone, the two of them and Hyunjin worked on setting the tables and setting up the counter for all the dishes. Jisung was asleep in the guest room, having put the turkey in the oven several hours ago according to Minho’s strict instructions. He was recovering from a long day at work, fighting a small cold so Hyunjin offered to keep an eye on it while he caught a few winks.

Felix arrived shortly after Changbin and Seungmin, and soon there were a few drinks involved in the mean preparations. The music got a little louder as Hyunjin and Changbin fought mercilessly over who would be strong enough to mash the potatoes.

Jeongin crept out of his room when the music got unbearably loud, forgoing his last-minute studying, and humbly agreed to make the gravy.

Minho had texted them saying he was running late since he needed to pick up his friend, and Jisung woke up, ready to carve the turkey.

Things were chugging along, Hyunjin was feeling the slight buzz from his hard cider, and the music became white noise in the background as he watched his friends run around his apartment, eating appetizers and telling outrageous stories. He sat down in a chair in the corner of the kitchen and checked the baby monitor on his phone, smiling when he saw Nari sleeping peacefully upstairs.

At around 8 pm, he heard Felix and Jisung cheer when the door opened, Minho and his friend arriving finally. He closed his eyes and let his mind wander, thinking about his grocery list for the week, his English homework, his washing machine that needed fixing, his ripped sweatshirt and-

His eyes shot open when a familiar voice joined in the greetings, and he whipped his head around to stare, almost dropping his drink.

Standing next to Minho, taking off his shoes and jacket and then offering a pie to Seungmin as contribution with a light and jovial smile painting his calm face, was Chan.

The man was dressed casually, but still nicely. He wore a black polo shirt tucked into grey dress pants, a green jacket slung over his shoulder, and his hair slightly damp from the light snow outside. He smiled at everyone and the two of them gradually made their way inside Hyunjin’s apartment.

Hyunjin shamelessly stared, watching the rest of his friends meander around, the music too loud to hear any of the music.

Minho walked by him, destined for the turkey, and he placed a hand on Hyunjin’s shoulder.

“You okay?”

Hyunjin stood up, following his hyung into the kitchen.

“How the fuck do you know Chan?”

Minho turned around and laughed lightly. “Hyunjinnie … we graduated together. Why?”

Before he could be saved, his phone started buzzing from the baby monitor, and he quickly turned it off, sighing. Shaking his head of the alcohol fizzing in his ears, and he put his drink on the counter. It wasn’t making sense. Chan was here, in his apartment. For dinner. Were they friends, now? Is it weird to be friends with your professor? Is it weird to have dinner with your professor? Is it weird that he couldn’t think straight? Is it weird that he-

“Hyunjin. You’re okay. You want me to go get her?” Minho was suddenly in front of him, his hands on his shoulders, and looking concernedly up into his eyes.

Hyunjin shook his head, silencing his thoughts. “No, no … I got it. I need a break, anyways.” He faked a smile and walked across the living room to the stairs leading up to his bedroom. As he quickly walked through the room full of people, he clenched and unclenched his hands, briefly looking up to see Chan gazing at him from his spot on the other side of the room.

They locked eyes for a split second and Hyunjin snapped his gaze away before he could see Chan mouth a greeting, raising his hand politely. He bounded up the stairs too quickly for the amount of drink inside of him, and soon he was sitting on his bedroom floor, rocking his daughter back to sleep, staring into the distance and considering never going back downstairs ever again.

He set a snoring Nari down in her crib and stood up, feeling his heart hammering in his chest. Something about seeing Chan in this environment, in his home, laughing with Hyunjin’s friends, who somehow also managed to be Chan’s friends, and smiling so gently … was doing strange things to Hyunjin’s head. Suddenly he was filled with anxiety, and he couldn’t really think straight. His stomach bubbled with butterflies that he solidly ignored.

(At the start of writing this fic, Minho wasn’t even a major character at all. But now look at him. Taking. Over. The story. Gosh by Golly.)

It was Minho who finally found him. The older boy walked through the bedroom doors and sighed, seeing the younger standing frozen in front of the crib. He silently shut the door and approached Hyunjin, quietly putting his hands in his pockets as he watched the sleeping baby. Hyunjin blinked, feeling his consciousness begin to return to his body.

“You gonna tell me how you’re really doing, now?” Minho whispered, not looking up from the child. He waited, knowing patience, his one and only virtue, was key in pulling Hyunjin from his spirals. He fought the tiny urge to wrap the boy in his arms. The urge got bigger when he heard Hyunjin stutter through a breath.

The younger boy then sighed and blurted out, “I think I have a crush on my professor.”

Minho didn’t move. “That’s okay.” He kept his expression calm, knowing exactly where the conversation was heading.

Hyunjin closed his eyes. “No, don’t say that, hyung. It’s a guy professor.”

Minho folded his arms and sighed quietly, his eyebrows knitting in thought. “And the problem is?” They were getting close to the root of the problem, but not quite there. Hyunjin had problems like onions had layers, they all connected but were all separate.

“I have a daughter.”

“Okay.”

“And it probably goes against some school policy of some kind.”

“Okay.”

“And I … it’s just … he keeps being nice to me, and I …” Hyunjin was floundering, the alcohol loosening his lips and his heart as he stood, his shoulders hitching up painfully as he panicked at Mach one.

Minho turned to finally face Hyunjin and nodded. “And he’d standing in your living room?”

“And he’s standing in my living room,” Hyunjin sobbed, covering his face in his hands.

Minho nodded again. He stayed quiet, waiting for his friend to hear the unspoken question he let hang in the air between them.

And?

Hyunjin stepped closer to the man who was as close to him as a brother and took his hands from his face, the two of them going back to watching the baby sleeping.

“… and … if I get close to him, then that means I’m gay and if I’m gay, but I had a daughter with a woman and now she’s gone, what does that make me?”

The panic lacing his voice pulled at Minho’s heart and he took a deep breath before giving in to his urge. He slowly pulled Hyunjin into his chest and let the boy remember how to breathe. He rubbed a few circles into the boy’s back and listened to the chaos downstairs for a moment, Felix hollering about somebody burning the stuffing.

“That makes you … literally just a guy. You’re not special. Get over yourself.”

Hyunjin barked out a laugh from in the middle of his emotions. “You are the WORST at this, fuck you …”

Minho smiled, rubbing the top of Hyunjin’s head and growling, “BE RESPECTFUL …”

Back downstairs, Felix and Seungmin were shoving pies into the oven at a dangerous rate and Chan was talking in the corner with Changbin, Jisung and Jeongin mixing a few drinks on the counter. Hyunjin took a deep breath and bit his lip before walking into the kitchen, trying to be casual, Minho shortly behind him. It was just past ten, but he stifled a yawn into his hand, wondering how long he could go before he absolutely needed to crash on his bed.

Jeongin handed him a drink and he didn’t think twice before taking a sip, welcoming the grounding burn as it traveled down his throat. He blinked, watching Seungmin balance two pumpkin pies on one arm as he walked to the dining room table, Felix following with two cans of whipped cream, holding them like guns and making ‘pshew! pshew!’ sounds. Hyunjin cracked a small smile.

Dinner was a long affair, unorganized, no one cared who ate what, and everyone was too drunk to care. Everyone told stories and talked over each other, laughing and smiling and the night went on. at one point, Seungmin had a whipped cream mustache, and Felix started a large game of charades that ended with Minho on the floor and Jisung standing on his head at one point.

Jeongin started doing the dishes at 11 and soon everyone was crammed in the kitchen, loudly singing Christmas carols and wrapping leftovers, drying the washed dishes and putting them away, or just standing around and giving moral support. Hyunjin hung back, exhaustion creeping into his fingers and ears, making it a little hard to focus on all the noise. After a while, he forgot Chan was even there.

Once the kitchen was put back together and the goodbyes began, Hyunjin fell asleep on his chair in the corner. He didn’t remember being carried to his room, and he definitely didn’t remember who it was that carried him.

When he woke up, he wasn’t as hungover as he thought. He was immediately confused, wondering how much of his cloudy memories of the night before were from the alcohol and how much were from the exhaustion. He rolled over, seeing his daughter’s crib empty, but before he was able to sit up in panic, he heard a familiar voice flowing up the stairs from the kitchen, saying in a high-pitched voice,

“Oh, yes, big girl … you ready for some breakfast? Uncle Seungmin will get you a bottle ... “

He sighed and closed his eyes, getting a little emotional. He had always loved it when his friends were comfortable enough to stay the night, but it hadn’t happened in a while, and he missed the warm feeling it gave him.

He rolled deeper into his pillows. He heard Seungmin talking to someone and couldn’t go back to sleep, deciding to get up. Shrugging on a hoodie over his pajama pants, he ran his fingers through his hair and started to shuffle downstairs, ready to have a relaxing morning with his friends.

The scene that met him made him smile genuinely. Seungmin was giving Nari a bottle, standing by the window in his pajamas. Felix had also stayed the night and was sitting at the island, nursing a hangover with orange juice and Advil, his head in his hands but a smile on his face, listening to Seungmin talk in a baby voice to Nari. Changbin and Jisung were conked out on the couches, light snores falling from their mouths. Minho was walking around the living room, his phone in one hand and a mug of strong coffee in the other.

With a shake of his head, Hyunjin sighed.

Okay so all of his friends had stayed the night.

Blearily, he made his way to the coffee maker, tucking his hands into his sleeves for more warmth, and patted Felix on the head as he waited for it to brew. He closed his eyes and soaked in the peace.

“Is there perhaps enough brewing for two in there?”

Hyunjin’s eyes snapped open, and he stopped moving. Chan’s voice came from directly behind him and it made his stomach proudly do a somersault. He shakily nodded and willed his voice not to waver, not looking up,

“Um, I think so, yeah …”

Chan reached around him and placed an empty mug next to Hyunjin’s on the counter by the coffee maker, Hyunjin feeling the proximity prickle against the back of his neck. He stifled a shiver as Chan loomed over him for a moment before moving back. You gotta turn around, he mused, miserable, before it gets awkward.

Taking meager control of the conversation, he spoke as he turned, “It was nice to see you … hope you didn’t mind spending the holiday with us fools …” he tried to smile, but it got stuck in his mouth, his eyes landing on the golden flicks in Chan’s ombre eyes that shone down on him. He leaned back against the counter and folded his arms, wishing for all the world that he’d taken a shower and changed before coming downstairs. Christ, he even still had sleep crumbs in his eyes.

Chan giggled good naturedly. In that split second, time stood still and Hyunjin appraised the man. He was still in his dress pants from the night before, but they were now wrinkled from sleep. His shirt had been untucked and now laid unbuttoned under a soft brown sweater, his hair was mussied beautifully and the curls were sticking oddly out, making Hyunjin feel better about his own state. Chan’s eyes were puffy from sleep, but he didn’t show any signs of being hungover, which did something to Hyunjin’s brain, making him freeze again.

Felix had started frying eggs now, standing ominously in front of the stove, his hoodie drowning his frame, and Seungmin had passed Nari to Jeongin, who had appeared from his room some time ago.

Hyunjin turned back to Chan, who murmured,

“I didn’t have anywhere else to be … and plus, it was really fun. You have a good bunch of friends, Hyunjin …” He smiled kindly.

“Oh, I don’t know … I’m pretty sure there’s still whipped cream on my couch covers …” Hyunjin automatically deflected, rubbing his eyes. Chan laughed lightly.

They were interrupted by Nari’s crackling cries from her seat, and it all happened very fast, Hyunjin couldn’t really keep up.

Changbin called for him, and he startled. Chan then looked up as well and when he noticed what was going on, he reached out and placed a reassuring hand on Hyunjin’s arm, saying calmly,

“Go on, I’ll make you a cup.”

He then lightly pushed Hyunjin off the counter, a hand on his lower back, steering him in the direction of his daughter.

Hyunjin, only hearing Nari’s cries, of course hurried to pick her up to soothe her, not even processing the tingling feeling that Chan’s hand left or the butterflies his words gifted him. He was forced to do so, however, some minutes later after he’d been rocking Nari for a bit, when Chan walked over to him, in his socked feet that shouldn’t be that endearing, and handed him a mug of coffee made exactly how he liked.

He blinked at it before looking up, confused. “How did you …”

Chan shrugged, a shadow of a blush coming to his eyes, “… I asked Felix. Here, drink … you need it,” he winked, shoving the mug into Hyunjin’s empty hand and walking back to the kitchen.

Startled, he took a sip. Not awake enough for much else, he sat down on the sofa and closed his eyes, snuggling Niro closer to his chest.

Week Twelve

December

Hyunjin sighed into his coffee. He had slept maybe two hours that night, and even less the night before. Nari had been upset with colic and now was fighting a fever. Hyunjin had walked up and down the hallway all night, cradling her to his chest while she fitfully slept, and he was fucking exhausted. Jeongin had offered to take a turn bouncing Nari so he could sleep, but Hyunjin had stubbornly said he was okay. Now, however … he was thinking of cashing in those chips tonight for just a few hours of steady, uninterrupted sleep.

He got ready as usual and yawned wildly through packing the diaper bag. He got Nari settled in her seat and began walking down the street to the subway, his eyes drooping and his head pounding. It would be a long day, he imagined.

The train was fine, it was only as he walked into the college building that he felt a tremor of pain run up and down his spine, causing him to inhale sharply and close his eyes.

He didn’t have time to process the strange reaction, for a voice cut off his thoughts.

“Hey … can I help?”

He turned around, and Chan stood behind him, a warm smile on his face, lighting up his eyes in the best way possible.

Hyunjin blinked, his eyelids heavy and his mouth hanging open, and before he could reply, Chan was gently taking the carrier from him, motioning gently toward the classroom, which was all the way at the end of the hallway.

“I can carry her for a bit, you look beat, no offence … here, let me,” he reached to take the diaper bag from Hyunjin’s other shoulder as well, slinging it over his arm like it weighed nothing. He walked slowly, like they had all the time in the world and were not in the middle of a very busy college.

Hyunjin flushed a little, his heart pounding in his chest. He whispered a thank you, but it was absorbed by the hustle around him. briefly, he wondered if any of his friends were looking. If so, he’d never hear the end of it.

Chan set the carrier down next to Hyunjin’s desk and smiled gently again.

“Let me know if you need anything, okay? I’ll hand out the tests in a few minutes.”

Hyunjin froze.

Fuck.

They had a test today.

And Nari was colicky.

He wouldn’t be able to leave to bounce her in the hallway if she got fussy.

Oh, everyone was going to hate him.

He put his head in his hands as Chan walked away, and he silently panicked to himself.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

The first ten questions he managed to scribble down answers to before he heard Nari gurgle and fuss in her carrier, her little fists coming up to clench by her face and her eyes squeezing shut in discomfort.

Hyunjin stifled his fear and took her out of her seat, sitting her in the crook of his elbow and resting her on his knee, which he began to bounce gently, hoping that would provide enough motion for her stomach to settle and for her to stop fussing.

It did not. She wriggled and whined as he tried calming her, and minutes passed before he stood up, his eyes accidentally grazing over the classroom as he did, falling on the students giving him tiny glares and side-eyes. He hung his head and bounced Nari quietly, feeling hot, shameful tears rise to the surface. He stared at the floor and patted her back, praying she would shut up soon.

What a horrible thing to think about one’s child-

“Hyunjin-ah … let me?” A whisper filled his ears, and he soon found himself staring at a pair of familiar black sneakers, stood directly in front of him.

He slowly looked up at Chan and felt one tear run down his cheek.

Chan looked at him softly and seemed to be holding back from saying or doing something else. Instead, he simply held out his hands for Nari, a small look of questioning in his eyes, along with an unspoken,

Do you trust me with her?

Without even thinking, Hyunjin carefully transferred his daughter to his professor’s arms, watching him tuck her expertly against his chest by his shoulder, and he shakily placed the burp cloth on the older man’s shoulder, feeling his insides crack and burst with emotions.

Of course, I do, hyung.

Chan nodded and smiled gently, turning to walk down to the front of the classroom, his steps light and careful, and Nari immediately calmed, the motions of his naturally long steps just what she needed to relieve the pain from her tiny, gassy stomach. She snuggled into Chan’s shoulder and soon fell asleep, her mouth parted, lips forming a signature pout much like her father’s.

Hyunjin shakily sat down at his desk and tried so hard to focus on his test, but his eyes flickered up every few minutes, searching for his child. He found her each time, nestled securely on Chan’s chest as he walked around, quietly giving tips and advice to struggling students, even going so far as to write a few examples on the whiteboard with his free hand. Hyunjin’s heart melted, and he struggled to think of what to do now.

Thanksgiving was nothing compared to this.

It was true.

He was falling for his professor. 

Later that night, his phone buzzed.

8:47 pm

(unknown number)

Is there something wrong with the stroller? It’s Chan btw

Don’t freak out, Minho gave me your number

He told me to message you if my jacket was still at your place, but I found it this morning

Hyunjin found himself pausing folding laundry to sit square in the middle of his bed, hurrying to respond.

8:49 pm

Hyunjinnie

Hey hyung

No, everything’s fine

The wheel popped off a few days ago and I haven’t managed to get it back on yet, sorry :/

8:50 pm

Chan-hyung

I’m out walking right now, I can stop by and fix it if you want?

Hyunjin panicked. He quickly turned his phone off and clutched it to his chest. He didn’t want Chan to come over, and at the same time, it’s all he wanted. He wanted Chan to come over whenever he wanted, that was the problem. He wanted Chan to invite himself over like he was his friend … without being his friend.

Without thinking, he hastily typed out,

8:54 pm

Hyunjinnie

No, that’s alright, thank you though! I was planning on doing it tonight, I promise …

He cringed at the excuse and tossed his phone onto the carpeted floor, quickly folding more laundry to keep his hands from shaking. He didn’t look at his phone for the rest of the night, feeling slightly like a failure.

It had snowed lightly the night before.

Hyunjin took Nari on her first stroll in the park, deciding it was good for both of them to get some fresh air that wasn’t mixed with subway germs. He put on his nice coat and shoved his earbuds into his ears, pushing the stroller along at a steady pace around the trees and benches, determined to have a nice time. His feet were cold, and his nose hurt from the harsh, autumn wind, but he drowned himself in his music and the movements of walking on the sidewalk. Nari fell asleep quickly, so he was practically by himself. He sighed, feeling the cold air hit his lungs, and walked for one more loop around the park before sitting on one of the benches to rest.

He put his hands in his pockets to warm up and peeked at Nari, snuggled up in three blankets and a fuzzy hat, sound asleep, her puffy cheeks melting Hyunjin’s heart a little. He sat back, let his music wash through him, and looked out onto the park, watching the children play in the slight amount of snow that was still on the ground.

There were ten, maybe fifteen children, all bundled up in warm clothes, playing with their parents or friends. Tussling on the ground or throwing balls in the air to catch them, their laughter rang out into the day, cutting through Hyunjin’s music.

The closer he watched, the more he noticed each child run to their mother and father and either say something or show them something before running back into the melee to play further. A pang of jealousy ran through Hyunjin quickly, leaving him slightly breathless.

To do all of this … parent stuff … with another person would be heaven. To have someone other than his friends to lean on when it got hard or when he doubted his efforts. To be able to do all of it, but with someone he loved and who loved him back … he was speechless with loneliness as he considered what his life could have been like.

In a fraction of a second, Chan popped into his mind, the gentle smile and the firm feeling of his hand holding Hyunjin’s … and then it was gone. Either by its own volition or by Hyunjin stamping it down to avoid acknowledging it … he couldn’t tell.

Before he knew it, tears were streaming down his face and chilling his cheeks when the wind blew over them. He quickly wiped his eyes and tried to smile to himself, desperately scrambling for all of his armor, the things he would remind himself of when the nights got long, and his brain got fuzzy. But no matter how hard he grappled, they were just beyond him. The reminders and phrases that he clung to were just out of reach and besides, he was already crying. So, what was the use.

Slumping his shoulders, Hyunjin stood up and pushed the stroller home, his mind blank and his eyes burning.

Some walk that was.

By the time he’d shuffled Nari from the stroller to the swing in the living room, he was full on panicking, the hiccupping breaths and sniffles becoming harder and harder to ignore. He set the swing to rock Nari as she slept, oblivious to her father’s pain and fear, and he anxiously paced around the kitchen, rubbing his hands together and squeezing burning tears from his eyes.

He whispered to himself, trying to psych himself out of whatever the fuck was happening, “Okay … you’re okay … you’re okay … everything’s fine … everyone has bad days … you can do this, you can … you can stop this … Hyunjin, stop it … Hyunjin, stop it …” He knelt on the floor in front of the sink and put his head in his hands, the gaping hole in his heart becoming wider with each breath.

After a few minutes, he pulled out his phone and called Felix.

“Seungmin, we gotta go!” Felix roared from where he was sitting in the living room.

The younger boy looked up, confused. He shouted back, “We don’t have anything going on today! Where are we going?” He finished brushing his teeth and opened the bathroom door, seeing his roommate run around the kitchen, getting ready to leave, pulling his shoes on and grabbing his bag.

“Uncle duty calls, man! Hyunjin’s having his first daddy-crack-down moment,” Felix smiled sadly as he simultaneously pulled his jacket over his head and grabbed a bottle of water.

Seungmin burst into action, his eyes widening at the verity of the situation.

“Oh, poor Hyung … okay, lemme just grab some pants and I’ll be right there.”

When Felix entered the apartment, Seungmin on his heels, to find Jeongin sitting at the couch, phone in hand. The younger didn’t look up, merely pointing down the hall and saying,

“He’s in the bathtub.”

Seungmin stopped to get the debrief from Jeongin while Felix darted for the bathroom.

He broke the lock on the doorknob, pushed open the door, and the sight that met him pulled at his heart.

Hyunjin sat in the tub, tiny sobs punching hiccups from him, the steam from the hot water clouding up the mirror and the window and filling the room with a white mist. The boy’s face was pale aside from his nose and eyes which were a candy-cane shade of red. He hugged his knees and rocked back and forth in the water, not hearing Felix walk in.

“… Hyunjin-ah …” Felix murmured, slowly closing the bathroom door, sans lock, behind him and kneeling on the bathmat in front of the tub, worry spiking in his chest.

Hyunjin didn’t move, but heaved a sigh, smoothing his hair from his forehead with a shaking hand. “I’m … fine … I’m okay … ah, fuck,” he closed his eyes and leaned against the edge of the tub, towards Felix for support. He had stuttered his way through two poorly-put-together sentences when on the phone several minutes ago, but now that Felix was here ... it was harder to think about. 

His voice cracked and he whimpered, “If I want to be with someone else … then I feel like I’m not honoring her … I feel like I don’t deserve to love anyone, after …”

Felix put a hand on his back, suddenly full of confidence and courage. He let the words flow from his mouth easily, praying his friend was listening.

“You are never going to be the same, Hyunjin … she was important to you, but she didn’t make you who you are right now, right? You are a whole person, even without her, and even with little Nari … and you deserve to be happy. You deserve to have someone … and you deserve to want someone. We’re all here for you, we all love you, but you deserve to have someone to know you inside and out … okay?”

Hyunjin closed his eyes and shakily reached for Felix, who, heart breaking, wrapped his arms around him, leaning over the edge of the tub and letting him cry into his shoulder. He sighed, closing his eyes and enjoying the embrace, knowing that Hyunjin heard him … and that he would say everything over again a hundred times if that’s what it took.

Week Thirteen 

December

Hyunjin was doing well with school. He'd just finished a massive project for work, a large portfolio for his company's magazine, the night before and now could relax and study for the next few weeks, unburdened and free. He smiled, feeling rested and refueled for the first time in a long time. 

He looked up, pulling out his earbuds, when a coffee cup appeared on his desk in front of him. Chan stood in front of him, head cocked adorably. 

Hyunjin spluttered, "Hyung, there's no way they messed it up a second time ..." he raised his eyebrows questioningly, feeling confusion take over. 

Chan shrugged, "It's a thank you for dinner the other day." 

"Oh, come on ... I didn't even ... we didn't talk until the morning after." Realizing what he said, he blushed and smacked a hand over his mouth, looking down immediately. 

Chan didn't notice his slip up, and leaned back against the desk, his blue sweater bringing out the red highlights in his brown hair. Hyunjin tried not to look, but after the butterfly assault he experienced on the holiday, he found it difficult. 

Seeing his professor, and now his friend, in the light that he had ... changed his brain in a way he wasn't sure he liked. He felt very young, in the same way being hugged by his mother made him feel young. He blinked, feeling his legs start to shake under his desk and tried to breathe normally. 

"I know, but it was still your home ... also, I didn't know you and Minho were friends? When he invited me, he said we were going to his 'brother's' apartment?" Chan quirked and eyebrow up at him, forcing him out of his thoughts. 

Hyunjin found himself smiling shyly and briefly explaining. "Yeah ... we, uh, we grew up together ... we do call each other brother, we're close, he's always taken good care of me." He shrugged, reaching timidly for the coffee cup staring at him from his desk. 

Chan nodded. "That's nice. It's great that you have friends that turn into your family. It was really lovely to be a part of that for an evening and a half." 

Hyunjin felt a trace of doubt wriggle into his chest, and he startled himself by blurting out, softly, his voice cracking slightly, "Why ... why are you being so nice to me? I don't know ... what's going on, hyung..." he froze, his words catching up to him and he braced himself for Chan to laugh at him or call him delusional. Suddenly, all his fears and insecurities came to a front, and it was as if he was standing on a beach staring at a massive iceberg, dwarfed in size and helpless. 

He studied the man's face, watching his eyes flicker around in thought, before it became too much, and he lowered his gaze to the floor, ashamed of his question. He should've just let it be. 

"You are ..." Hyunjin looked up to see Chan smirking lightly at him, his eyes sparkling and a light blush covering his nose and cheeks, "... one of my smartest students. But, you're being really kind of dense right now."

Hyunjin blinked, "I'm so confused ..." he whispered, feeling panic surface in his chest, not having prepared for these words. He felt his breath quicken, not knowing what else to say or do. Time slowed. 

Nobody else was in the classroom, Hyunjin being twenty minutes early again. Chan looked around to make sure they were alone, before leaning down, placing his hands on Hyunjin's desk, getting closer to his face. He blinked at Hyunjin, licking his lips slightly before whispering, 

"Hyunjin-ah ... I'm flirting with you. Because I like you, and I want to get closer to you. Is that alright with you?" 

Time stood still and Hyunjin held his breath. In a split second, his mind ran in circles, running thousands of conclusions and scenarios. 

"I'm sorry ... um," he gasped, feeling tears burn in his eyes. "You ... I'm sorry ..." 

"Don't say that, honey ..." Chan murmured, not moving from his place a few inches from Hyunjin's face. "Don't say sorry for anything." 

Hyunjin blinked and swallowed hard, feeling his heart crumble to dust in his chest as he whispered, looking into Chan's deep brown eyes, feeling lost and vulnerable, "I ... I might ... also ... like you." 

His professor smiled slightly, and whispered back, "That's nice ..." 

His brain entirely fried, Hyunjin cracked a smile back, "Okay ..." What was this middle-school ass confession? He giggled inwardly. 

Chan leaned back slightly, his voice gentle. "Dinner tonight?" 

Jerking back to reality, Hyunjin's eyes got wide, "I don't have anyone to watch Nari-" 

"I texted Minho, he's got it covered." Chan smiled sheepishly. 

Hyunjin giggled through his wet eyes, "Oh, come on ... he was my friend, first ..." 

Chan winked. "Mmhmm." 

"You called me dense!" 

"You deserved it!" 

In the middle of a bite of spaghetti, Hyunjin's head snapped up, startling Chan. 

"Wait. Was it you who put the panda and board books on my desk?"

Hyunjin cocked an eyebrow at Chan, his hands clenching into fists on top of the white tablecloth. Chan had taken them to his friend's restaurant, a secluded spot on the edge of town with a lot of soft twinkle lights stretching from the awning to the roof, sending off sparkling shadows and lights across the street. They sat in a window seat. looking out on the soft evening, enjoying some quiet time and gentle conversation. 

Chan sighed, smiling into his wine glass. "Took you forever to figure that out," he murmured. 

Hyunjin finished chewing and closed his eyes, a smile dancing on his lips as well. "Mmhmm. Well, sorry. I might have had like thirty other things on my mind at the time." He wiped his mouth with the white napkin and leaned back in his chair, folding his arms across his chest in a fake pout. 

Chan actually looked remorseful. "I know. I was actually really worried that this was the wrong time, knowing ... well, your daughter is really young ... and you've never talked about ..." he glanced up, seeing the frozen look on Hyunjin's face, and panicked a little. "I'm sorry ... he held his hands up softly, "I shouldn't have pried." 

Hyunjin felt his stomach turn a little at Chan's implied questions. He looked down, trying not to panic or let the anxiety up into his eyes, and shook his head. 

"No, no, you're alright ... you're sweet to worry, though. I appreciate that about you." 

He let some silence sit between them for a moment, relived that Chan didn't ask anything further. He looked up and, finding solace and safety in Chan's eyes, found the courage to whisper, 

"I don't ... I need a little more time, if that's okay? I just, I don't know if I'm all that ready to talk about it yet. I get it if that's a dealbreaker for you," he started, feeling resignment bubble up briefly, but Chan cut him off, shaking his head quickly. 

"No! No, stop ... you're fine, you take as long as you need, okay? You're you, and I'll be here when you're ready, okay? I promise." He smiled kindly and folded his napkin into his lap slowly. 

Hyunjin felt his mind go quiet at the words. feeling his stomach immediately settle. He blinked, not quite knowing how to respond, having not expected that response. 

"Okay ..." he ended up breathing, awkwardly reaching for his water glass and taking a sip. 

They walked on the sidewalk, Chan's hand in his, and Hyunjin took a moment to absorb the feeling, wondering if he should be soaking it up like a sponge. The walk was silent, neither of them finding the need for words. Chan smiled as they approached Hyunjin's apartment, and briefly pulled the younger boy in for a quick hug before they walked up the steps. 

The sight that greeted them in the living room of Hyunjin's apartment when they walked in made the young father's heart twinge as he looked. 

Nari was in her swing in the middle of the rug, Minho lying down next to it, fast asleep, his arm still slung over the side of it as it swung side to side. Strewn across the rest of the living room were the rest of Hyunjin's friends, all asleep. Seungmin and Jeongin were curled into each other on the couch, Felix curled into a ball by the stairs, Changbin and Jisung stretched out on the floor like starfish. 

Hyunjin sighed and found himself leaning into Chan's shoulder. The older man whispered, looking from one sleeping boy to the next, "She really put them all to sleep, huh?" 

Hyunjin stifled a giggle, looking at his daughter in the center of all the snores. "The funniest part is that she is still awake." 

Week Fourteen

December 

Minho woke up, having been snoozing at the kitchen table after a long night at work, to a loud pounding on his apartment door. Not really fully awake yet, he got up and trudged to open it, blinking in confusion when he was met with a windswept Hyunjin, hair blown into his eyes and Nari clutched tightly to his chest, his eyes blown wide in panic and steadily crying. 

“I can’t find him, I can’t find him, hyung, and he won't answer his phone, it's been three days, and he wasn't in class this morning, I can't-“ he choked briefly, leaning on the doorway and sobbing into his sweater sleeve. He looked up at Minho with red eyes and Minho’s heart froze at the next words that came hoarsely out of the younger’s mouth.

“I can’t do this if it happens again, hyung, I can’t … what if it happens again, hyung, I, I, I, oh my god …”

He walked straight into Minho’s arms, baby and all, and began to hyperventilate.

Minho, shocked still for a moment, tried to piece together what was going on. He wrapped his arms gently around the crying boy and patted his back, blinking at the wall behind him.

What the fuck …

“Okay, Hyunnnie, okay … just breathe … here, give Nari to Felix,” talking through the only rational act he could muster at the moment, he turned his head to yell for Felix, and when the tall blonde boy came to the door, Minho carefully extracted the tiny baby from Hyunjin’s shaking arms, saying quietly to Feix,

“Can you just watch her for a little while, Hyunjin and I have to go out for a bit?”

Felix nodded, although confused, and tucked the baby onto his chest, bouncing her slightly. “Of course, hyung … call me if you need anything. Bye Hyunjin,” he tried to catch Hyunjin’s eyes, but the boy was still crying violently into Minho’s shoulder, his hands shaking now that they were baby-free.

“Okay, I’m coming with you, we’re gonna find him, it’ll be okay … he'll be okay ...” Minho shrugged on a sweater and looked at Felix one more time before taking Hyunjin's hand. 

Hyunjin whimpered as Minho shepherded him out the door. He bit his nails on the drive to Chan’s apartment, and Minho couldn’t do anything but put a hand on his knee and whisper small, encouraging phrases, reaching over every few minutes to wipe his friend’s tears from his chin. 

"Hyung, you better fucking not be dead right now ..." he whispered to himself as he pulled down the apartment parking lot, looking for a space. 

Chan opened his apartment door slowly. The man looked like hell. His hair stuck to his forehead in sweat, his eyes and nose were red and stuffy, and he was still in his pajamas. He looked from Minho to Hyunjin slowly, confusion on his face. 

Before he could say anything, though, Hyunjin gasped and dove into his arms, burying his face in the man's shoulder and shaking quietly. Chan wrapped his arms around the boy automatically, staring at Minho and gesturing inside. The three of them shuffled back into the apartment and soon were sitting in the living room, Chan on the couch with Hyunjin between his knees and Minho sitting next to him, running a hand through the crying boy's hair, not looking at Chan. 

Minho finally allowed himself a small moment of calm, breathing deeply through his nose, closing his eyes, and trying to relax his muscles. He had brought Hyunjin to Chan, and Chan was alright. They would be alright now. They would be alright now. 

His peace was interrupted, though, when Chan ghosted his hand on Minho's shoulder. 

“Minho.” Chan’s low voice was dangerously close to threatening. Minho looked up to see the older boy’s eyes sharp as he asked,

“What is going on?”

Minho's eyes snapped up and he growled, "What the fuck happened to your phone?" 

Chan rolled his eyes and muttered back, a frown on his face, "I dropped it in the toilet on Sunday and couldn't get out to the store for a new one, I've been sick, sorry." 

Minho didn't acknowledge the reply, determined not to forgive Chan until Hyunjin did. "Sure." 

Chan leaned forward, desperation lighting up his eyes, replacing the frustration. 

"Minho. What is happening right now?" 

Minho bit his lip, actually feeling his heart pull, making his chest ache and his head pound slightly.

“I can’t,’ he whispered, feeling tremendously guilty.

“Yes, you can. Minho, please,” Chan pleaded, growling. His eyes were burning, panic and worry flickering in his expression. 

“No, I can’t, hyung … he has to tell you when he’s ready, I’m sorry,” Minho firmly shook his head. “You have to be here when he wakes up, okay? You can’t leave him, you hear me?” he got in Chan’s face, panic suddenly ripping through him fiercely. Chan had to understand ... this was the most important thing and if he lost Hyunjin over this, Minho would never forgive him. 

Chan held his breath, processing all the emotions and words being thrown at him. "Okay," he breathed, squeezing Hyunjin further into his arms and watching Minho nod before slowly standing up. Hyunjin had passed out in Chans arms, having cried too hard too quickly. Chan picked him up and walked into his bedroom, feeling anxiety and fear buzz under his skin. Hyunjin was light, his face limp in sleep and his hands still squeezing Chan's shirt every few moments, twitching in his state. 

Chan sat down on his bed, pulling Hyunjin into his lap, and waited. 

Minho walked out of the apartment building, sniffling back a few sympathy tears, and was suddenly washed with a strange feeling of peace. He took a deep breath and drove home. 

When Hyunjin woke up, all he knew was that he could finally breathe deeply. He hadn't opened his eyes yet, but he knew he was safe, and the idea brought tears to his eyes, the familiar sting waking him up further. He cracked his eyes open and curled into himself stretching his muscles. 

When he realized he was tucked up against Chan's chest ... the memories reached him and he sighed in embarrassment, muttering, "I'm so sorry, hyung ..." he buried his face in his hands and anticipated Chan to start laughing at him, his silly breakdown over nothing. 

Instead, the man's strong arms tightened around him slightly and Hyunjin felt his chest rumble gently when he murmured in response, 

"It's okay, honey. I'm here, you're alright ..." 

After a minute of silence, Chan leaned away from Hyunjin, giving him enough space to gently grasp his boyfriend's face in his hands and whisper, tears shining in his eyes, 

"Hyunjin-ah ... please, tell me what happened to you?" 

Chan felt the air between them become warm, wet ... humid. He brushed the hair away from Hyunjin's eyes, noting the way his boyfriend held his breath. All he wanted was to be there for him, but ... he didn't know where to start. Feeling helplessness bury deep into his chest, he exaggerated his breaths, hoping Hyunjin would as well, and waited. 

"If I tell you ... can you, please ... can you promise me not to be mad? Please, I can't ... so many people hate me for it, and you're so important to me, if you ..." he bit his lip, turning into Chan to hide his red face. 

Chan had never responded faster, shaking his head and saying solidly, "Hyunjin. I have never and will never hate you. I promise." He wanted to kiss the tears away, the need taking over his brain and his fingers, but he held himself back. Hyunjin needed this, this safety. Chan needed to be Hyunjin's safety. 

“I don’t …” Hyunjin bit his lip, as if tasting the bitterness, “I don’t … really remember sleeping with her,” he looked up sheepishly at Chan, heartbreaking tears brimming his eyes again as he whispered the terrible words. Chan smoothed his hand through the boy’s hair, nodding reassuringly.

Hyunjin continued whispering his story, not trusting his voice to carry him through it.

“We were all drinking, and I … wasn’t in the best headspace that week because of finals, and we were friends, I knew she was into me, but I …” he shook his head, “Never mind. Hang on.” He rubbed his eyes and sighed, collecting himself.

“I woke up, we were together, my clothes were gone, and I felt like shit. Not just hungover, it was different. Looking back, I now know that I was starting to figure out that I maybe wasn’t into girls, but I wasn’t thinking clearly for a while.” He twisted his hands in his lap, making red marks on his fingers, and Chan slowly laced their fingers together, helping to ground him. He continued,

“She didn’t find out she was pregnant for almost two months, and then she was so freaked out, hyung,” he closed his eyes, tears ebbing out and falling onto his shirt. “She didn’t want to abort, and I wanted to be there for her, I did. I didn’t … love her, I didn’t feel good about what we did, but she didn’t deserve to go through any of it alone. So, I told her I would be with her for it, and we would have the baby together.”

Hyunjin tucked his face into Chan’s neck, taking a moment to breathe, the words choking him slowly as they left his lips. He calmed down, feeling safe in the man’s strong arms. When he leaned back, he swallowed hard and closed his eyes, finding it easier to speak when he didn’t have to think about Chan’s face and how it might twist in pain when Hyunjin confessed.

“It was fine, she was fine, the baby was fine. I worked all day, every day, to make sure we had enough money for the delivery, and we just waited.” He opened his eyes, feeling shame ripple through him at what he had to say next.

“I kind of … disappeared. I guess. From everyone. I started turning my phone off when Felix would call over and over and … I was so scared they would all hate me, and not want to be friends anymore because I got a girl pregnant. So, I decided to just … go away. And I know they were worried, and they would never …” he trailed off, gesturing vaguely. Chan nodded and let him find his words.

“It was scary. I was terrified. But, I didn’t know what else to do.

“When she went into labor, she was fine. I swear,” he looked up at Chan with desperate eyes, as if he needed Chan to know this before he continued. “I promise, she was fine, we did all the counting right, we measured, she was fine …” his voice shrank into a whisper, and tears came pouring out of his red eyes.

Chan’s stomach sank with a loud and ugly thud. He had a feeling where this was going, but was frozen, his breath beginning to shake in his chest. He had suspected something like this from the very beginning, some haunted look in his student's eyes, but he'd buried the thought immediately, refusing to think about it. Now, it stared him in the face ... and he was terrified. 

Oh, God, no. Oh, God, please no. No, not this poor baby …

Hyunjin bowed his head, pulling his knees up to his chest to protect his heart, and whispered the last of his story, his frame shaking. He bravely continued, and Chan struggled not to cry as well, only tightening his grip around the boy’s shoulders, praying for strength and peace. He needed to be there for Hyunjin. There was no other choice.

“Her … her parents didn’t want me in the delivery room, which was fine, I guess … they were really traditional with that kind of stuff, so I just … I w-waited in the lobby for a few hours. I wanted to call my mom, but she didn’t answer. They don’t have good service over there, so. It was fine. I was fine.”

There was a long pause, and Hyunjin began to rock back and forth slightly.

“And then … suddenly, her mother comes out, and she’s just … crying. She didn’t say anything, just cried, hard. And she just walked into my arms, and I held her as she cried. I started to get scared, but part of me wanted so hard to believe they were happy tears." He squeezed his eyes shut tight at the memory. "And then, her father came out too and … and, I couldn’t … I don’t really remember what they said, but …”

He needed to take a break to breathe again before whispering,

“Nari’s mother h-hemorrhaged badly and ... passed away ... shortly after delivery, and her parents w-wanted to take her home to Korea to bury her, so they left the next day. They l-left the baby with me, saying something about the travel complications. I don’t …” Hyunjin closed his eyes and bit his lip, whispering finally, “I don’t think … they really wanted h-her to begin with …”

Once the awful words were in the air, Chan closed his eyes and wept for a stranger’s daughter, for his boyfriend’s grief, and for a little girl who should have grown up with a mother’s love.

To his surprise, Hyunjin continued, working through his own pain with stuttered and broken words.

“I … I felt so awful, Chan-hyung, you have no idea. I lied to her, I didn’t tell her I thought I might be gay, or bi, or whatever … And then she was gone before I could even tell her I loved her back, and I, I, I … I’m gonna be such a terrible father, and I …” he choked on a sob, “I didn’t get to say goodbye, the last time I saw her, she was waddling into the delivery room, this beautiful smile on her face, and I … I … Channie-hyung …” he leaned into Chan’s chest, grasping blindly for the man’s arms and neck, trying to stuff himself into the man’s body, to disappear. A horrid, deep wail ripped its way out of his already sore throat, and he let the months of grief build-up out, splattering on Chan's shirt and his bedsheets. 

Chan sighed, feeling his insides turn inside-out, resigning to just … feeling. He let the grief and pain wash over them both. Hyunjin's sobbed ebbed, he fell in and out of consciousness, and a good thirty minutes passed before the older of the two made to move.

Chan picked Hyunjin up and carried him silently to the bathroom. He gently undressed him, the both of them still dripping in tears, and started a hot bath. Once he placed Hyunjin into the bath, he undressed and climbed in behind him, gently gathering him into his arms once more, surrounding him with love and slowly running his fingers and warm water through the man’s dark hair.

Once Hyunjin began coming back to him, Chan started washing them gently with soap and water, washing away the day and the words spoken. He was careful when washing Hyunjin’s face, gently massaging the red and puffy skin around his eyes and nose and conditioning his hair with tender fingers.

The morning turned a different color, the corners softening and the edges blurring. The snow stopped, and the sun came out and cascaded through the windows with a childlike light, highlighting the corners and cobwebs that you wouldn't normally see. Something unsaid floated through the apartment, a calm truce of a kind, a soft feather, or a white flag. 

Once they were finished and sitting on the bathroom floor wrapped in towels, curled into each other, Hyunjin murmured, his voice gently broken,

“I love you … and I was so scared that you’d left me, too. I couldn’t think about what I would do if I had to go through life without you.” He folded into himself and leaned into Chan’s arms when it got to be too much.

Chan held him quietly for a long time before reaching for their clothes and redressing them both. He gave Hyunjin one of his hoodies, watching it fall past the man's thighs and the tips of his fingers. He left briefly to put the kettle on to boil water for tea, before hurrying back. It wasn’t until he was kneeling behind Hyunjin and running a comb through the man’s hair that he responded.

“Hyunjinnie … can I kiss you tonight?” he breathed, letting his voice gently settle in the small room.

Hyunjin nodded in front of him, a silent and vulnerable admission, bowing his head as Chan finished combing his hair. The older man wrapped both arms around him and set his chin on his shoulder, closing his eyes and sinking into the intimacy they formed.

“I won’t leave you. I promise.”

“You can’t promise me that.” The younger man’s voice cracked, wet and broken.

“Then I promise to stay with you forever.” Please, let me stay with him ... I don't want forever if it isn't with him ... 

“You can’t do that either-“

“Hyunjin. Let me promise you. Please.” Chan firmly spoke, leaning his forehead into Hyunjin’s shoulder, finding solace in the mere smell of the man’s skin.

There was a long pause before Hyunjin nodded once more, falling back into Chan’s arms. "I just ... I don't want you to see me any differently, now ..." he sighed, closing his eyes and letting their bodies meld together in peace. 

Chan found himself smiling into the soft skin of the back of Hyunjin's neck. A sacred place, hidden during the day, held ready and waiting for him. "It's ... you ... you're so strong all the time, it's okay if you want to feel tired every once in a while. I ... want you to feel safe enough to feel tired. I like ... being your strength." He closed his eyes, burying his face in Hyunjin's neck, feeling his cheeks flush as he confessed. 

Hyunjin took a deep breath, but cut it off with a giggle, hoarse from crying. 

"Hyung, that's kind of adorable; I don't think I can handle you being this sweet." 

They curled into each other on the bathroom rug, arms and legs tangling together like musical notes on a staff, hands laced in tender grasps. Hyunjin's fluffy black hair tickled Chan's nose, but he would never tell. Chan's hoodie smelled like home, but Hyunjin would never admit it.