Work Text:
I sit on the edge of the porcelain tub with the faucet running onto my feet, washing the grass and soil off them.
I locked the door behind me even though Darry doesn't like us locking doors, I don't care right now though. I really don't need any of the gang walking in on me like this.
I can hear them all talking in the living room. Soda is hollering something about poker, Steve is laughing his ass off, Darry is hollering at Two-Bit to turn the TV down, and Two-Bit is laughing right along with Steve. He has a very distinct laugh so I can tell it's him, sort of an ugly laugh.
I hear a loud thud hitting the ground, it shakes the room making me dart my head up. I hear Two-Bit yelling at Darry to get off of him and that he'd turn the TV to a lower volume.
I hang my head back down looking at the dirty water in the tub. My hands fall in-between my knees and my finger tips scrape by the water, creating ringed ripples.
Today it's been exactly 2 years since Johnny and Dally’s death, last week it had been 2 years since everything went down with Bob.
Unlike the gang I'm not as good with handling stuff like this, maybe it's because their deaths were my fault.
If I didn't go into the church, Johnny wouldn't have been trapped.
If I had been the one to push Johnny out of the church, the beam wouldn't have hit Johnny's back.
If I wasn't stupid I wouldn't have gone in the church, I wouldn't have left my cig lit.
If I had pulled Johnny out, not Dally, Dally wouldn't have gotten his arm burnt.
If I had given Johnny Dally’s jacket, he would've been safe.
If we didn't come to Johnny after the rumble, maybe he wouldn't have died.
If Johnny didn't die, Dally wouldn't have robbed that store, he wouldn't have gotten shot either.
Everything's all messed up because of me. Soda told me it's not my fault and I should go stop thinking like that. Darry tells me to take it easy and to take things one step at a time. "It will get better" he says to me. I'm waiting for it to get better.
I feel so guilty. I've been failing my classes and my teachers don't seem to care. I got good enough grades to carry on into the following grades because I didn't fail English after turning in that theme. He had some look of sympathy on his face as he read it to himself as I had shifted nervously in the seat infront of him.
Darry always got mad at me for getting bad grades but now he doesn't car either. He keeps trying to take me to different doctors, different therapists, and different councilors to see if I'll tell them anything. I never do. I can't help it though and Darry knows that, I hope.
I look up at the popcorn ceiling above the tub nervously running my hands through my long hair. My hair is down to my shoulders now, I'd rather die then cut it. The blond tips on the end of my hair are the only memories of Johnny that will remain, other then Gone With the Wind and his letter of course.
Some socs at school ganged up on me and tried to cut my hair saying "I looked like a girl". I don't really care what they think. I have bigger things to worry about then looking like a girl.
Sometimes I wish I was like the rest of the gang, not so young, so selfish, not stuck in the past. Everyone has learned to live on and see good in the world. Sure Two-Bit went through it after loosing his blade when the cops took Dally’s body, but he got over it.
Now Two-Bit has a girlfriend, that girl Marcia the one from the drive in. Darry quit his other job as he got a promotion in his main one. Steve and Soda both have girlfriends. Soda's girl always looks at me funny though, I can tell she doesn't like me very much. Can't blame her though.
Even Cherry Valance, the girl who dated Bob has moved on. She hasent dated anyone else but had graduated early to take on her dream career at some fancy school she got elected to be in.
Don't get me wrong im happy for everyone, I just get jealous sometimes. I wish I could live happy like them. Having 4 people you valued in your life all die within a year does alot to you. Especially a 14 year old.
I look back down at the tub watching the water rise to my ankles, just about to get my jeans wet. I quickly shut off the tap and unplug the drain. The dirty water rushes down the drain and leaves with a small gurgle.
I get up and dry my feet, reaching for the latch on the window to open it. Darry hates when we fog up the mirrors so I learned opening the window helps.
As I open the window a goldish-pink glow comes through as the sun slowly sets beneath the clouds, casting a familiar scene onto the world.
I think back to the church, that cold morning. That poem I didn't know the meaning off. Only now things are different, I do know the meaning of that poem, staying gold means to stay young. Being young means being lively and curious. I think as I reflect back on Johnny's letter. Maybe I can try to stay gold, I'll stay gold for Johnny, and for Dally, I might even try for the gang.
I walk over to the counter where the cabinet sits above. I grad the scissors out and move them up to the blond tips of my hair. New beginnings give a new chance to be youthful again.
I watch as the blond hair falls into the sink. "You better be watching Johnny, I'm going to stay gold just like you said" I look back into the mirror, a funny haircut I gave myself. I force myself to crack a smile as I think to myself,
"Stay Gold Ponyboy, Stay Gold."