Work Text:
“But now I'll go
Sit on the floor wearing your clothes”
A sob sounded through the little house, the man sitting on the floor in the living room wearing a baggy shirt and a pair of sweatpants. In his hands was a pair of dog tags, the chain of them around his neck. He had been sitting there for hours, the strength to get off the floor wasn’t something the man held anymore.
His life as he had known it had been ripped away from him. He couldn’t cope with it enough to have the strength to do anything other than sob and curse whatever God above had decided to rip his happiness from him.
He was a widow at the age of 35. His husband had been ripped from his life in a cruel joke.
“I still remember the look on your face
Lit through the darkness at 1:58
The words that you whispered for just us to know
You told me you loved me”
“Evan, baby, they’re calling me in.” A voice stirred Evan from his sleep, his eyes opening slowly as he looked at the figure who was leaning over him. “Huh?” He groaned out, the heels of his palms digging into his eye sockets to try and wake himself up. “Captain just called, I’ve gotta head into work. The wildfire is getting worse and they need more pilots dropping water from above.” Tommy murmured, his hand coming to cup Evan’s cheek, his thumb running along his husband’s jaw.
Evan could only groan and pout, earning a chuckle from Tommy and a press of lips against his own. “What time is it?” Evan slurred, his head chasing Tommy’s lips for another kiss. “1:58am. Go back to sleep baby.” Tommy hummed, pressing another kiss to Evan’s lips. “I love you Evan. I’ll text you when I can.” Evan murmured an “I love you too Tommy” in response before he was snuggling back into the bed below him.
“Buck, you need to eat something.”
A voice pulled him from his thoughts, though he was unable to move his head to look at who was speaking to him. Food wasn’t important anymore, he wanted nothing other than his husband.
He no longer sat on the floor of the living room, instead he sat on the plush armchair that he had begged Tommy to buy. His stare was blank as he looked at the backdoor, internally begging for this to be a huge joke and Tommy would walk through that door at any moment, pulling his husband into his arms and planting a sloppy kiss on his lips.
But nobody walked through that sliding glass door. Tommy was gone.
“Buck, please.” The voice begged, a figure entering his vision. He only shook his head, the other person sighing softly. “Half a sandwich and drink some water. That’s all I’m asking of you.” He looked up before sighing, his head giving a small nod.
Tommy wouldn’t want him to waste away to nothing.
A paper plate and cup of water were placed on his lap, his hands trembling as he went to pick up the sandwich. He hadn’t stopped trembling in days as he tried to process the news about his husband. A small bite was taken out of the sandwich, the taste of peanut butter and grape filling his mouth.
Eddie was trying to get some protein into him. That was smart.
Eventually the sandwich was consumed and the water was drunk, though it took a while. As Eddie cleared away the plate and cup, Evan could do nothing more than let out a loud sob as his face was buried in his hands.
Footsteps filled the air as Eddie slid across the floor, coming to a rest on his knees in front of his best friend. “Hey, hey look at me.” He murmured, his hands gripping at Evan’s wrists. “I need you to breathe before you hyperventilate.”
That was easier said than done. His reason to breathe was six feet underground.
Another sob racked Evan’s body as he fell into Eddie’s chest, clinging to the man tightly. Eddie couldn’t do anything more than hold his best friend, trying to murmur soft words to him to help him calm down. As the sobs fell to silence and soft snores took over, Eddie laid Evan across the couch and tossed a blanket over his body, leaving his best friend to get a little sleep.
“Hello?” Evan said as he answered the phone, confused by the unknown number that was staring back at him. “Is this Evan Kinard?” A voice asked him, which he was quick to answer back with a “Yes, why? Who’s asking?”
Tommy was hurt. Tommy was in the hospital. Tommy was in emergency surgery.
The laundry basket hit the floor as Evan grabbed his keys and ran out the front door, his only thoughts being about his husband. The ride to the hospital felt like it took hours when in reality, it was only 20 minutes. Time really seemed to freeze as Evan skidded into the emergency room’s waiting area, seeing a few of Tommy’s teammates there.
Helicopter crash. Wildfire. Unconscious but breathing when he came in. CPR was needed in the ambulance. Burns all over his body.
Evan didn’t know what to think as the words entered his ears, circling around in his head before settling uncomfortably in his brain. His body collapsed into one of the chairs as he stared at the wall, a numb feeling washing over him.
At some point, the 118 had joined him in the waiting room. Maddie had a tight hold on Evan’s hand, the two clinging to one another. He couldn’t hold himself together right now and the family around him was the glue keeping him together.
As a doctor came out looking for him, they moved away from the group to talk. The words hit him like a train wreck, the tears exploding from his eyes like the metal shrapnel of the wreck, and he distinctly hears someone yelling “No, no you’re lying to me. Tommy can’t be dead.”
Oh, oh that’s Evan yelling. His own voice is foreign to his ears.
As the doctor walked away, his knees began to buckle beneath him as he fell towards the floor. “I got you.” A voice said as they grabbed him by the torso, the only thing keeping his body from hitting the floor. His body was placed back in the chair he once occupied as Eddie squatted in front of him, trying to convince him to breathe.
No, breathing is no longer necessary. His only reason to breathe is now laying in the morgue under a white sheet.
Eventually he’s allowed to see Tommy one last time and, as much as his body is trying to keep him away, his mind knows he needs to see him one last time. No matter how rough he might look, he’ll always be the love of Evan’s life.
And rough Tommy does look.
The burns had done a number on his skin, but that man was still Thomas Kinard. Still the man who put the ring on Evan’s finger. Still the man who had agreed to have a kid with Evan using a surrogate.
Even in the silence of the morgue, that’s still his Tommy, no matter how lifeless he might be.
“God I’m so mad at you for leaving me Tommy. But fuck, I still love you. I’ll always love you. I’ll make sure our kid knows all about you and loves you like you’re just gone for a shift and will walk back in the door soon. You’re always gonna live in my heart, own my heart. You’ll always be the love of my life, my soulmate.” Evan let out a choked sob as he rested his forehead against Tommy’s cold skin.
He carefully let his lips touch Tommy’s, hoping and praying that this is his Sleeping Beauty moment and he’ll wake up and kiss back. But nothing changes and eventually, he forced himself out of the morgue, Tommy’s belongings bagged and held against his chest.
You never know how much a person fills your life in various ways until it’s too late and they’re gone.
It was 5 months after Tommy’s funeral when Evan gets the call that their surrogate was in labor. Another thing Tommy would miss out on, the birth of his child and raising said child.
Evan had wanted to find out the gender while Tommy wanted to be surprised, but in the end, Evan had decided to wait and find out until the baby was born.
A baby boy. Evan and Tommy were the fathers of a baby boy.
Thomas Kinard Jr, to be exact.
“Hi baby boy.” Evan murmured softly later that evening when he was holding his son against his chest for skin-to-skin contact time. “I really wish your Papa could be here to meet you because he would absolutely adore you. You share a name with him because I know you’ll grow into a strong, intelligent and amazing man just like he was.”
A tear slipped down Evan’s face and fell onto his son’s blanket as he rocked back and forth in the chair.
“We’re going to be parents Tommy. We’re going to have a kid.” Evan said as he rolled onto his back that night, a smile etched onto his face as the man radiated happiness.
The couple had gotten confirmation earlier in the day that their surrogate was, in fact, pregnant and they would be parents by the end of the year, should all go as planned.
“We’re going to be parents.” Tommy repeated as he slung a leg over Evan’s thighs, settling himself atop the man as he looked down at him. He leaned down to kiss his husband, who’s lips immediately parted to allow him access inside his mouth.
“You’ll make such a great father.” Tommy murmured against Evan’s lips as he slowly pulled away, just far enough to make his words out. A grin spread across his face as he reconnected their lips once more.
A laugh filled the room as Evan shook his head, a grin still wide on his face. “Says you, you’re going to spoil that kid more than you realize.” He teased as his hands settled on Tommy’s waist, gently stroking the skin there. “You’ll make sure our child knows absolutely everything there is to know about helicopters and cars. After all, it’s your DNA that’ll be shared with them, not mine.”
Tommy’s face scrunched up at that as he shook his head. “Still not sure why you wanted it to be me and not you.” He said quietly as he shrugged his shoulders. “Evan, you should have been the one to contribute, not me.”
Evan shook his head as his hold on Tommy tightened ever so slightly. “Tommy, I wanted it to be you because well…you’re you. You’re smart and handsome, a good person too. You’re good with so many things you try to do that I want our kid to have those skills. I want our kid to be just like you.” He leaned up just enough to kiss his husband once more.
A humming noise left Tommy’s lips as he grinned once more. “Keep saying things like that and I’m going to have to try and put another baby in you so this one can have both our DNA combined.” He teased quietly.
Evan could only wiggle his eyebrows in a playful manner. “Oh no, how difficult. I would hate for you to do that to me.” The sarcasm dripped from his words as he watched Tommy shift himself to lay between his husband's thighs, biting lightly on his left inner thigh.
“Come on, let’s go see Papa.” Evan said as he scooped Tommy Jr into his arms, the three year old giggling at the height he suddenly had. Once the toddler was strapped into his carseat, the duo began their car ride to the cemetery.
It had become a routine for the two to take a weekly trip to the cemetery just to sit by Tommy’s grave, Evan talking to him and letting him know how Tommy Jr was doing.
Honestly, being there by the grave let Evan feel close to Tommy again.
As the car was shut off and Evan helped his son out, he let Tommy Jr hold his hand, the other holding new flowers for the headstone, as they made the short trek over to the headstone that had “ Kinard ” engraved in it. “Hey babe.” Evan said as he sat on the grass by it, Tommy Jr tumbling into his lap and getting comfortable.
“We…we miss you.” Evan started, his voice shaky as he leaned forward just enough to lay the flowers atop the headstone. “I don’t think a day goes by where we don’t miss you; where I don’t hope you’ll walk through that front door and just hold me. Wake me up from this nightmare where I’m raising our kid without you.” A tear slipped down the man’s face and he quickly wiped it away.
He let out a shaky breath as he held onto his son. “He’s getting more and more like you every day. Your sense of humor, your looks, your brains for sure.” Evan laughed softly as he looked at the headstone. “God I miss you so much Tommy. It’s been three and a half years and I still find myself rolling over to curl against your chest, only for you to not be there.”
A silence fell over the area as Evan wiped at his cheeks once more, only the sounds of the wind whistling through the nearby trees filling the air. “He’s taken up your love of helicopters. Lucy let me bring him down to Harbor the other day and she gave him a tour of all the birds. It’s all he’s wanting for Christmas this year, aviation toys that is.” Another shaky breath. “I’m so glad I convinced you to be his biological father, I still have a little piece of you here with me.”
Evan placed a kiss to the top of the boy’s head as another tear fell down his face. “You and Papa are so much alike buddy. He’d absolutely adore you.” He whispered, rocking back and forth with his son.
A warm breeze brushed over the pair and Evan let out a watery laugh. “Hi babe, I knew you were listening.” They sat there a bit longer until a beeping noise caused the elder Kinard to look at his watch. “We better get going buddy, we’re gonna be late. Can’t be late when Grandpa Bobby is cooking.”
As he stood up, Tommy Jr’s hand in his, he pressed his free hand against the headstone. “I’ll see you again next week, okay? I love you Tommy.” Evan said quietly as another warm breeze brushed over the man. He could have swore he felt the phantom feeling of lips on his cheek and hands on his waist as he convinced himself to back away.
“Tell Papa bye buddy. We’ll visit him again next week.” Evan murmured, watching as his son moved forward to pat the headstone. “Bye Papa, I love you.”
Together the pair backed away from the grave and Evan hugged his son tightly as he lifted him into his carseat. “Good job buddy, you did so good today.” Tommy Jr reached up and wiped at Evan’s cheek and grinned at him. “Papa’s always watching us Daddy, he keeps us safe.”
“Yeah buddy, Papa is always watching us and makes sure we’re safe. He’s our guardian angel.” Evan said with a smile as he pressed a kiss to his son’s head before climbing into the car himself.