Chapter Text
Ace blinked back into his skin on a couch…Baba’s couch. Baba’s fluffy coat was draped over him, Baba himself reading to Sabo and Luffy next to him. He was reading Luffy’s favorite story, the one with the pirate king and his treasure. Ace had heard it a million times already, but Luffy always asked to hear it on his birthday.
His body felt wrong, all wiggly and wormy. It was dark out, last bits of sunlight dimming from the navy sky–it hadn't been when he left. Ace was shameful for leaving, a weak coward who couldn't even handle someone trying to help him. He caused Baba trouble and offended the nice, smart doctor lady and even if Baba wasn't mad, he made things difficult and caused Baba more stress and problems–and on Luffy's birthday too. He was stupid, selfish, and a horrible brother. Luffy deserved better, so did Sabo.
He must've made a noise because Baba glanced his way, smiling warmly at him and squeezing his shoulder. Oh , that was embarrassing. He didn't even realize Baba had his arm around him. It felt nice, safe. And he was glad no one was here to see him burrow into Baba’s side.
Luffy said something stupid– no that wasn't nice. Ace was being mean again, a bad brother, no good bastard, and worthless street rat. Luffy was saying something silly and Sabo leaped into conversation with him, giving Baba a break.
He set the book down and leaned to press a kiss to Ace’s head, “Hi, my little sunflower.”
“I'm tired again, Baba.” He whispered. Baba had made him promise to tell him, so here he was, telling him.
“You can take a nap on me if you want, Ace.” He'd already said what he needed to. If Baba didn't get it…maybe he didn't want to, or didn't care, or chose to misinterpret it. “Oh, oh. Okay, firefly. Thank you for telling me, I'm proud of you. I love you, and I'm so happy you're here with us.” He pressed another kiss to his hair until Luffy launched himself at them, flopping over their laps.
“I wanna go outside!!!! I wanna make a snow city!!!” Luffy shouted and cackled, Sabo beaming excitedly before jumping on top of him, squishing Ace even further into the mattress.
Ace loved building snow forts, throwing snow at his brothers, and making ugly snowmen. He looked forward to it every winter and he hadn't really had the chance yet. First school was crazy, then the snow was covered in ice so they couldn't play. And then– oh, that's right. Then Ace was a fucking idiot who almost got himself killed because his feelings were hurt. And he messed up his body, apparently giving himself chronic pain and damage. He knew what that word meant, enough adults had called him chronic pain, waste of time, nightmare, nuisance, etc for him to figure it out. It meant forever, unchanging, permanently fucked.
Ace could never play outside again. He could never be with his brothers or play pirates or have a snowball fight or go sledding. He'd be stuck inside like a freak and his brothers would hate him. Baba would be upset and irritated at his constant nagging presence, and the people he loved and trusted would grow to despise him. They always did.
Ace was so lost in his gross thoughts that he didn't realize Sabo and Luffy had left until Baba tapped him and called his name, “Ace? Aren't you joining them outside?”
Ace's brain froze, sparked, and fizzled out. What? “I…I can't. I'm f–broken. I hurt myself and I can't play outside ever again.”
“Where'd you get that idea?”
“You said I was sick and the doctors said it was for forever “
“Oh, no, bug. Yes, you were sick, and you're still healing but Dr. Ilda gave the go ahead. She said as long as we keep your skin wrapped up and avoid cold exposure, you can scurry around to your heart's content. Just…take it easy, you haven't been moving around on your own for a while.” Did that mean…
“So can I…”
“Yes, firefly. You can go join your brothers outside. I'll wrap you up and then you can all bundle up, okay?” He wasn't going to be a creepy man who never left the house.
He tried jumping off the couch to scurry to his room, but his feet got twisted in the coat. He would have face planted if it wasn't for Baba's hands catching him.
Ace wiggled out of his grasp, scrambling to stand on his own two feet. That hurt so fucking bad. God it hurt it hurt it hurt. Tears filled Ace’s eyes as his feet supported all of his weight for the first time in days. He stumbled, knees giving out as he tried to take a step with a cry. Crocodile caught him again, steadying him and easing him to the floor.
“Ace?”
“Hurts…too much.”
“Okay, let me see.” Baba gently lifted his feet and examined the bottoms, rubbing a thumb along the bottom. “Does that hurt?”
It didn't. The only thing Ace felt was a distant tickle so he shook his head.
“Okay, I think they're just a little tender. We’ll put some extra cushioning on your feet, maybe some thick socks? We'll take it easy, baby steps, Ace, baby steps.” Ugh. he didn't want baby steps. He wasn't a baby. “Oh put the pout away, bug.” Damnit.
Baba set him on the couch and encouraged his feet to press against the floor. So far so good. Ace slid off a little, putting the slightest pressure on his feet. Still alright. He went to stand but crumbles, pain shooting up his legs and spine.
Baba grasped him quickly, supporting his weight and keeping him standing. “Okay, let's try this, I'll walk behind you carrying you a little, but you're gonna move your feet. I'll just take some pressure off.”
Ace was…skeptical but nodded his head. He was sick of being hauled around and stuck on his butt.
Baba shimmied him forward and stood behind him, arms braced under his armpits. Lifting him slightly, Ace felt light. He twitched his foot forward in a step and Baba responded in kind–so far so good. Together, they took another full step, again a success. They made it all the way back to Ace’s bedroom before his legs began to shake, feet twitching and throbbing. Baba directed them to his bed and sat him down, turning to his closet to pull out a thick sweater, sweatpants, and two pairs of thick socks.
He grabbed the bandages from the little bin near his bed. As he had for what seemed like forever, Baba gently wrapped his feet and hands tightly with the strips of fabric, making sure not a smidgen of discolored skin was exposed and wrapping up his wrist slightly just in case. He helped Ace into the ridiculously thick sock conglomeration and handed him his shirt to slip over. Then Baba grasped his forearms and encouraged him to stand. Ace tenderly placed his feet down, legs still a little shaky. It still hurt, bones crunching together and skin pulsing in tight pain, but it was tolerable now, less intense.
“Better?” Ace nodded, it really was. “Good, that's good. Shall we join your brothers?”
Ace beamed, nodding enthusiastically. He hadn't been able to play in the snow for forever, and he couldn't wait to be with his brothers again. With the socks on, he was able to walk by himself to the mudroom, albeit a little slowly. Luffy and Sabo were shrugging into snow pants and boots already, tying little laces and clasping thin buckles. Ace didn't think he could do that yet…his hands felt clumsy and fat, numbed to sensations.
“Baba could you…could you help me?” He chewed on his bottom lip, he hated asking for help–especially from Baba. It was embarrassing and made him feel like a burden. The sting from biting his lip helped draw his focus, letting him acknowledge that he was real, in a body, and actually existed despite what ought to be. Sometimes it gave him an outlet for the pressure on his chest–the one he's felt since birth, the nagging, overbearing weight of wrongness and badness that oozed out of him.
Baba being Baba–someone Ace didn't come anywhere near to deserving as his dad–was already on it, snagging his snowpants from the closet.”Sure, sunflower.”
Getting dressed wasn't as bad as he'd thought, Baba helping keep him balanced and snow gear untwisted. His feet didn't hurt as badly with the thick socks and boot’s cushion.
“Baba join us! Join us outside! It's my birthday so you have to!” Luffy was trembling with energy, latched onto Baba’s arm.
Baba smiled at him, clearly amused by his youngest– only –son. Ace felt jealous for a minute, wanting Baba to smile like that at him instead of being worried, stressed, or frustrated. But then he remembered his place, who he was and who Luffy was. A bastard ward who Baba got stuck with and is making the most of it with…and his actual fucking biological child. Of course Luffy deserves smiles, laughter, positive attention, and warm–not desperate or fearful–hugs.
“Okay, Sundrop, okay…quit the blabbering I'll join you three.” Baba chuckled and pulled Luffy close to plant a kiss on his forehead, right under his hat. “I'll be out in a minute, why don't you boys start without me?”
Luffy cackled again,”Okey dokey Baba, but only if you promise !”
“Yes you little menace, I promise. Now go outside.” They shuffled outdoors, all pushing out the door at once and stumbling onto the tiny back porch. They waddled down the steps, careful of icy patches and plopped in the snow. Luffy sprang off the steps and face planted into a fluffy pile of snow, making a huge crater in the pile of snow. Sabo raced after him and rolled into a blobby snow angel. Ace watched his brothers for a moment–just half a minute really–and smiled. He missed this. He missed the mayhem his brothers brought and the chaos they harnessed into playful joy. He'd been convinced that he could never had or witness this ever again–but here he was, bundled up in two jackets, gloves and mittens, a neck gaiter and scarf and beanie. He'd convinced Baba to leave the second beanie behind, but he was grateful for the double layers on his hands, they were chilly and it was cold out.
It was then that Luffy whined, calling for Ace and demanding to know why he was being lame and not joining in. Ace smiled, feeling happy and cared for, and belly flopped into the insanity.
In the time that it took Baba to get ready-which frankly took forever –they had shoved together three snow walls, making barricades to duck behind while chucking snowballs and puffs of chilly powder at each other.
They'd started on an igloo but quickly abandoned it for the sake of chucking snow at each other. Ace was cackling like a madman, laughing until his stomach ached for the first time in a while. Sabo’s eyes gleamed with something mischievous and terrifying as he lobbed snow hexagons at Luffy, Ace, and the side of the house.
It was silly and mostly harmless until it wasn't. Loose snow trickled down Ace’s back, sneaking under his coat. A glob of packed snow froze a hole through his spine. Gusts of wind swirled around him, robbing him of his breath and sucking the heat right out of him. Suddenly he wasn't at home, bundled up in thick layers and tormenting his brothers. No, he was freezing, dying , slowly turning to an Ace-cicle in a dark, grungy, sour smelling alley.
Ace’s knees collapsed, sending him crashing to the ground and flopping on his side. The snow stung his face where it was pressed against his cheek, wind blowing sheets of powder in his face. He was going to die here. It was all a dream, something he made up in his mind. No one found him, no one cares to. He never went to the smelly hospital, Baba never cared and never came. He didn't and wouldn't see his brothers ever again. He would die out here in this gross, moldy alleyway, doing the world a favor and freeing them of his wrongness.
He couldn't breathe, his lungs wouldn't work right and his entire body was frozen solid. His skin would blacken again and peel off in slimy chunks or maybe crumble off in dusty pieces. He wished he wasn't so horrible, that he deserved and had Baba because he wants him. He wants his dad but he knows he can't have him.
Ace is shaking in a pile of snow, piles and chunks of flakes falling down on him and burning his skin. His cheeks start burning, ice forming around his eyes uncomfortably. Snow starts covering his face, burying him alive. He's going to suffocate here, in this disgusting alley feeling of piss, garbage, and dead mice–it's worthy of him, a fitting rotten place for a rotten boy.
Every breath he desperately rushes to gasp in only sucks in cold, wet snow, clogging his throat until it melts. And then something starts attacking him, pulling and jostling cruely, bruising his skin and ripping at his clothes. His body was stiff and stubborn, cramped up and stuck in a ball. Every pull and tug was cracking his body apart, tearing skin, ripping muscle, and fracturing bones. It hurt.
Someone crushed his head between two burning slabs of something, smacking into the back of his head and yanking . Ace cried out, just wanting to be left alone–wanting to die in peace. He tried clawing and kicking the offender away but it was no use. Tears freezing as soon as they leaked from his eyes, body screaming at him in agony, and head a jumbled mess of fear, desperation, and pure fucking terror, Ace wailed. He was going to die. Whether it was the frigid chill or his cruel attacker, he was dead.
___
Luffy had given him the eyes. The ones that were so wide and shining they looked fake. The same eyes that always made him cave.
So Crocodile dug out his snow boots and non-furry winter coat. It was shoved in the way back of the closet, having fallen off the hanger and been buried under boxes, bags, and shoes. Several things had came crashing down on him as he fished out his coat. He never wore it, usually electing to wear one of his thicker, fur lined coats, and he'd actually considered donating it or trying to sell it off. But just moments ago, with Luffy giving him his scar puppy dog eyes and the other two peeking up at him cautiously optimistic, he'd never been more thankful in his life that he didn't throw something out.
When he finally extracted it from the depths of the closet, it was covered in dust and mud. He'd done his best to scrape it off and shake it out, trying to draw the mustiness from the fabric.
Where the hell had he put his hat? He usually avoided wearing them, hating how they made his scalp, hair, and forehead feel. He considered going without one but that wasn't setting a great example for his kids…. ugh. He fucking hated being a responsible parent sometimes. Fucking fine.
With a frankly childish huff Crocodile rummaged for his beanie and gloves, pulling them on with a huff.
Finally dressed and prepared for the facefull of snow he was no doubt about to receive, Crocodile went outside and trudged down the steps, following the noise of his boys’ shrieks, giggles, and shouts.
And then it went quiet. Which was…concerning. He hears Sabo call Ace’s name. A pause. Sabo called it again. Then Luffy. No response.
Shit, fucking shit. He knew he shouldn't have let him go outside. It was too early but he's been so miserable and Luffy wanted to be with his brothers so badly and Ace deserved some fun. But he'd fucked up again. He was careless and reckless and fucking stupid and he fucked his kid up in the process, again.
Crocodile picked up the pace, pushing through the snow with a little difficulty, trying not to eat shit. In the front corner of the yard were three lackluster snow barricades, one clearly meant for each boy. Behind one, Sabo was crouched, turned towards Luffy who was standing just in front of it. Sabo was turned towards Luffy, motioning him to stay back. A cold dread shot through Crocodile. He saw Luffy and he saw Sabo. Ace was the only one missing, which meant something was wrong.
Sabo looked his way, his eyes were wide, skin pale, and he looked scared. “Baba, something’s wrong with Ace!”
Crocodile hopped over the barricade and crashed to his knees beside Ace. He was lying crumpled in the snow, body stiff and breath fast. “Sabo, take your brother, bring him inside.”
“What if you need–”
“ Now, Sabo.”
“But I wanna help Ace! What’s wrong with hi–”
“ Luffy , go with your brother.” Sabo looked between him and Ace for a moment, looking a second away from a panic attack himself. “Sabo, sweetheart, everything will be fine. Now bring Luffy inside.”
He looked at Crocodile for a moment longer and nodded his head, sniffling and wiping a cheek while turning around and grabbing Luffy’s hand. Luffy didn't budge, standing firmly in place, eyes fixed on Crocodile. Sabo had to practically drag him away, leaving skid marks in the snow.
Ace was whimpering and trembling, snow pressed against his face. “Ace…Ace, firefly, come on…”
No response. No twitch or tense or hitched breath, Ace had no idea what was going on, he was panicking, body stuck in the frozen alleyway he'd been found in. But this time…this time Ace wouldn't be alone. Crocodile wouldn't let him.
He reached out his hand and rested it on Ace’s shoulder, giving him a jostle. A whimper was his only response. Crocodile dug for his other shoulder underneath the snow, grasping it and at least trying to get him lying flat or out of the freezing pile.
Ace thrashed and squirmed, batting his arms clumsily with desperate, terrified cries. “ Ace! Firefly, it's me, it's Baba. Ace, you're okay, you're safe, I promise. Sweetheart come back, you're alright, it's just me. It's your dad, you're home and safe, come on, Ace.”
Ace shook his head wildly, crying and choking on nothing, lungs refusing to suck in an ounce of air. Fighting against flailing limbs and arching spines, Crocodile managed to pull Ace out of the wet powder, shifting him to firmer, packed snow and laying him back against it.
“No… no, please…hurts…leave me ‘ucking ‘one…d–ad please…wan–ant da–ad…–aba…!” Crocodile's heart clenched at Ace’s slurred sobs.
Crocodile yanked off his gloves and cupped Ace's chilled cheeks with warm hands oh so gently, thumbing away tears do they didn't freeze on his face uncomfortably. “Ace…sunflower, sweetheart, come on. Please breathe, please breathe with me, you gotta breathe, bug. You gotta breathe.”
As if he heard him, Ace’s chest lurched with a choke, halting as his lungs quit on him. Little shit always did the exact opposite of what Crocodile wanted, even now.
He pressed their forehead together, closing his eyes as water dropped from his lashes and froze immediately. His nose was dripping or freezing near his nostrils as Ace’s distress drew cries from him.
He spoke gently and softly, much like how he greeted Luffy for the first time as he reluctantly peered down at his small face. “Ace…Ace, sweetheart, my beautiful, wonderful son, please , I'm here. Dad’s here, I got you. You're safe, I promise you. You're not in the alley, you're home. Home , with your brothers and Baba. Come back, little lightning bug, Breathe, you gotta breathe.”
Crocodile did his best to shudder deep breaths, coaxing Ace to just fucking breathe. Ace cracked his eyes open with a son, frozen tear tracks staining his freckled cheeks. Even still, he managed to suck in a singular, stuttering breath. Crocodile's own chest hitched slightly as a strong gust of wind blew up his coat and knocked the wind out of him.
Any hope of progress quickly rotted away into a moldy, slimy heap as the wind struck Ace, freezing his body completely. His eyes were wide with terror, glistening with tears but dull and so far away. His chest was stock still, lungs halted in a stunted, hollow inhaled gasp. The only part of Ace that moved was a slightly quivering jaw, wild, ice crusted black chunks of hair strewn around from the wind, and short lived trickling tears.
Crocodile thumbed the tears away again, stroking his cheeks lightly and shaking his head against Ace’s, “Sweetheart, sweetheart you're safe. You're safe. I got you, Baba’s got you, firefly. You're not there, you're not where you think you are, I swear. I promise.”
Ace was practically catatonic, trapped in his own mind, reliving what could have easily been his last moments if not for those kind folks who stumbled across him. All it would've taken was poor vision, slightly thicker flakes, a random jackass, a fucking pedophile, or even an hour later…and Ace would be gone. Crocodile would have already held a funeral for his son by now, body ironically frozen until the earth thawed and allowed a burial. Or maybe a cremation and Ace’s ashes would be sat on their mantel, right above the fireplace. And Ace was trapped there.
Fuck it. “Okay, sweetheart, Baba’s gonna pick you up, okay? I'm gonna bring you inside, warm you up, and get you out of the cold. Because you're safe and you're home. Here we go, baby.” Crocodile straightened his back, drawing Ace up with him and flopping him against his shoulder. He hauled him up from the snow carefully, trying his hardest not to fall over or trip. He walked on unsteady feet through thick and slippery snow drifts. He walked up the front steps and managed to swing the front door open, getting inside the screened-in porch as he kicked the front door, hoping Sabo could hear and understand.
Soon enough he heard little feet sprinting towards the front. The lock clunked and Sabo pried the door open, stepping back with it to let Crocodile in. “Is he…”
“He's alright, αελλα, he'll be alright. Just spooked and cold.” Sabo nodded but chewed his lip, clearly still worried . He dropped to his knees harshly on the carpet, wincing at the harsh impact on his joints. Setting Ace down, he started prying off his snow gear, unzipping his jackets and pulling his arms out. Sabo jumped in to undo the laces on his boots. Luffy appeared in the doorway and stared for a minute before turning back and shuffling off somewhere. Crocodile couldn't worry about that right now, his brain was a fucking mess.
Fighting with the glass on the snowpants, frozen over with a glob of ice, he didn't even notice Luffy coming in again, arms piled with blankets, pillows, and stuffed animals.
Finally prying off the ice and unclasping the buckle, Crocodile shimmied the snowpants off Ace and slid off the wet gloves. He also managed to shimmy Ace's damp sweater off him. He peeled off Ace’s snow covered hat, revealing icy, tangled hair. “Sabo can you–” Sabo handed him a comb, brush, towel, and detangling spray, sitting down by Ace’s feet to wiggle some fuzzy socks over his feet, other socks damp from melted snow. He set a fuzzy pajama top by Crocodile’s hip, too.
When he'd gotten all the frozen chunks out it Ace’s hair and combed out the tangles, slipped the pajama top over Ace’s hair, working his arms through the sleeves. He slid his arms under Ace’s knees and back, raising to one knee and lifting him up with a grunt. Ace still hadn't moved, not the slightest acknowledgement of being in from the blustery wind, jostled from removing snow gear, or lifted once more.
Luffy had created a nest for them, laying out blankets and pillows to prop up against. Crocodile sat down against the corner, laying Ace against him. Luffy covered them with blankets quickly, glueing himself to Ace’s back as soon as they were thoroughly tucked in.
Sabo pushed the melting, wet snow clothing into the porch, closed the door, and took up a spot behind Luffy, draping over Ace as best he could.
Ace’s eyes were now half lidded, chest still practically unmoving and heart racing.
“Ace….firefly we're here, we're all here, sweetheart. Your brothers…Baba..you're alright, bug.”
“I'm worried about Ace. Ace needs to wake up…or at least be okay. But if Ace is scared, I'm here to keep him safe. And so is Sabo and Baba.” Sabo didn't say anything, instead nestling in further to wrap around Ace from over Luffy.
“Hear that, sweetheart? Your brothers are right here and they love you so much.” He tucked Ace’s still head in the crook of his neck, rubbing his hands up and down Ace’s flank to help warm him up. He fished his hands from between them and shoved them in his armpit–thank god he remembered deodorant today.
He tucked his own head down to whisper in Ace's ear, “Bug, can you breathe for me? In …..Out……just like that, okay? Real simple. In…..out……In…….oouuut…..”
Ace sucked in a breath, catching on its way in. “There ya go, firefly. You're doing great. Again, alright? In…..out…” He repeated the mantra, practicing the breaths himself as Ace struggled to follow along. Mucus caught in his throat on an inhale as harsh coughs racked his frame. Crocodile rubbed his back and thumped his spine, encouraging it to dislodge itself, and Ace was back to the sad mimicry of breaths.
“That's it, sunflower, I'm so proud of you, you're doing just fine. Just keep breathing, sweetheart. It's okay, baby, Baba’s got you. You're safe and home and warm, we got you, sweetheart, all of us.” Crocodile continued whispering assurances and praises as Ace’s breathing returned to something close to normal. He didn't otherwise move. After a few moments, silence only broke. by Crocodile's whispered words and harsh breaths, Ace started to twitch.
He whimpered and shifted in Baba’s arms, trying to figure out where the hell he was probably. A shiver ran through him as he picked his head up and groaned. “Hey sweetheart…” Ace turned towards the sound of his voice, eyes droopy and glossy–this time with sleep instead of absence. He sniffled and buried his head in Crocodile's neck again, burrowing in. “You know where you are?”
“...home?”
“Yeah, firefly, you're home. You're safe.”
Ace started shaking, not from fear or frigid air but with quiet sobs, the kind that you can't stop no matter how hard you try. “I…I thought I was…and you didn’t come and…and they didn't find me…and I was gonna…it was really cold and I thought…thought I was…” Ace broke into huffy shakes, he couldn't finish his sentence. He didn't need to, Crocodile already knew what he would say. Dying. Ace thought he was dying, a fear and feeling Crocodile recognized intimately but never conceived his child knowing.
“I know, I know, Ace. But you're not there. People found you and helped you, they called me and I came as fast as I could, sweetheart. I'm here and I'll always be here, for each of you boys. I'm right here, Ace, Dad’s right here.” He hugged him tight, shifting his arm to drape over Luffy and Sabo, too and holding all of his boys close.
Ace mumbled something against his neck, tickling his skin. “What was that, bug?”
“I'm sorry I ruined Luffy’s birthday. I should've stayed inside.”
Luffy shot up, wiggling further on Ace, squishing him against Crocodile. “ Hey! Ace didn't ruin anything! I love Ace and I don't wanna have fun with Sabo if Ace isn't having fun with us! Besides, we still have time left. And if we raincheck it I'll get two birthday breakfasts and dinners!”
Crocodile arched a brow, “Not sure that's how it works, Sundrop.”
Luffy shook his head firmly, eyes set sternly, “No it is.” Okay, kiddo, whatever you say.
Crocodile just smiled and shook his head, amused. Luffy’s appetite reminded him of Dragon and Dragon’s dickhead father, tainting his crumby mood further. Five years–no six years ago now–Crocodile ended the period of his life with Dragon. He hadn't really thought of him in years, not since Ace. No more guest appearances or cameos, Crocodile had one of the worst nights and days of his life previously and had looked forward to going home alone and chugging an entire bottle of wine and a half bottle of whiskey. But then he looked down and the next thing he knew he was a single father of three.
Sometimes at night, after the boys have gone to bed and Crocodile’s alone, or when he's in bed with himself and the sheets are cold, he imagines a life where their love did last, and they raised the boys together as happy, parents in love with each other. Sometimes he'd fall apart with Dragon’s name on the tip of his tongue, what used to be. It really had been good once, but like all things Crocodile touched it soured and rotted away into something ugly.
“--at true Baba?”
“Hm?”
“I said , is that true, Baba? Does Luffy get two birthday brekkies and dinners? And two desserts ?”
“No, Ace, Luffy doesn't get two. Each of you get the same because I love you all equally. No favorites, no take backsies, and no even slightly preferred child over the other.”
Ace and Sabo grinned at Luffy, proud of themselves while Luffy huffed about not getting extra food. Ace’s appetite–despite his nasty habit of purging–had helped distract Crocodile from Dragon’s genetic influence. Actually, Ace in general had, looking alike just enough to possibly be Luffy’s biological brother, he allowed himself to pretend it was true. That they were both fully his–all three with Sabo's blonde hair and Crocodile’s old blonde head–free, separate, and completely divorced from Dragon.
The black hair could've come from his mother. Luffy had her features, after all. There wasn't any proof of Dragon’s genes. Except of course for Luffy’s wild hair that mimicked Dragon’s in the morning.
Ace nestled in again, settling against his chest. He sniffled for a while and Crocodile could feel him chewing his lip. He could practically smell the smoke coming from his overworking brain.
“Are you sure I'm…am I really home, Baba? S– safe? ”
Jesus fucking Christ. “Yeah, sunflower, you're home and home is safe.” He kissed his damp black locks and let out a heavy sigh. “How are you feeling, Ace? How are your hands and feet?”
“Fine…I'm just cold and they're really stiff.”
Yeah, that was the arthritis already setting in, mixing cruelly with the neuropathy. “Okay, bug. We'll get you warmed up.” Sabo scurried up and ran towards the kitchen.
“I'll make coco!!” Oh god, Crocodile was so scared. He was about to receive the most sickly sweet drink he'd ever had, and he’d have to choke down every drop. The things he did to build confidence in his children, the sacrifices he made. Crocodile accepted his fate and readied his throat to prepare for incoming bile and revisiting oversweet coco.
Another shiver disturbed Ace, this one more intense and enough to disrupt his breathing for a minute. Crocodile thought for a moment, “Ace…do you want an early Christmas present? Usually I wouldn't but…extenuating circumstances.”
“I don't know what that means but yes!”
“OOOO, Do I get an early Christmas present too??”
“Luffy, it's your birthday. You get birthday presents on your birthday.” Crocodile deadpanned. Luffy huffed, bringing his bottom lip out in a hilarious pout. Crocodile rolled his eyes and looked down at Ace, whose tired eyes glittered with excitement.
“I'll be right back sweetheart.” He tapped Ace twice, signaling him to slide off him so he could stand. Ace didn't budge, not even an inch. “Ace, bug, you gotta get off of me if you want your present.”
Ace grumbled and shook his head, “But you're warm.”
Crocodile chuckled, “And I'll be warm when I come back, it's just for a moment.” He grumbled again but slid off, knocking Luffy back in the process. Luffy didn't even register that he'd practically toppled off the couch, arms crossed and put secured on his grumpy face.
Crocodile just shook his head, his youngest sure was something else. He hurried up the steps into his closet, rummaging around for Ace’s electric blanket. He'd dug out a red one for him that had been stuffed in the back of the store shelf. Packaged blanket in hand, Crocodile hesitated. Should he wrap it? Or just tell him to close his eyes? Or…wait, he knew what to do.
Crocodile slipped it behind his back as he crossed into the living room. Ace was shivering under a heap of blankets, eyeing him immediately as he walked in the room and scanning him for any sign of his present. Crocodile walked up to him and arched a brow, “Pick a hand.”
Ace’s brow furrowed in concentration, thinking long and hard before reaching out and tapping Crocodile’s right side. “You sure?” Ace nodded. “Double sure?” He nodded again. “Triple sure?” Ace huffed and giggled.
“ Yes! ”
Crocodile drew his right hand out in a fist and held it over Ace’s outstretched hand, opening it to drop nothing but air into his hand. Ace squinted his eyes as Crocodile moved his hand behind his back once more, shifting the blanket to his right hand this time.
Ace liked the left hand this time, again coming up with nothing. He huffed and groaned, “That's not possible! I tried both of them!”
Crocodile laughed at him, “Oh, just guess again.”
Ace huffed, tapping the right side again. “You sure this time?” Ace nodded once. “Double sure? Triple sure? Quadruple sur–”
“I'm sure! It's the right hand!”
“Okay…” Crocodile brought his hand up front, handing Ace the packaged blanket. As Ace read the packaging his eyes lit up.
“This is heated?!”
“You can put it on a timer and it'll shut off after a while, too. If you want, you can warm up your bed with it before bedtime. But for now…it'll warm you up and keep you cozy.”
“Can I use it now?”
“Course you can, sunflower. That's why I gave it to you early.” Ace wiggled happily as he tore open the zipper package, pulling out the blanket. He shifted his legs under the blanket, ready to hop off the couch and set up the blanket when he winced. “What’s wrong, Ace?”
“Jus’ my feet. They're really tender now but like…inside? Kinda weak feeling too, like they're all hollow I guess…”
“Alright, bug, I'll plug it in for you, you just get comfy. I'll grab some of your meds too, okay baby?”
“But you said you were coming back…and you're warm…”
Crocodile laughed softly, “I'll be back and you can cuddle again. Just wait a moment.”
Ace grumbled and frowned but nestled under his new blanket, piling the ones Luffy brought over the top. Crocodile righted Luffy as he passed, tipping him so he could pout on his bottom instead of with his face smooshed in the couch.
Crocodile filled a glass of water and snagged Ace’s pain pills. He settled down beside Ace, between him and Luffy so the other boys could cuddle if they wanted too. Sabo was puttering around in the kitchen. Ace's new blanket was already heating up as he nestled in close, shyly burrowing under his arm.
“Here sweetheart, take these.” Crocodile dropped the pills in his hand and handed him the glass of water. Ace downed them with little problem. He's become a little pro with swallowing pills with his daily schedule of them, no longer hesitating or wincing as they went down.
Crocodile fussed over the blankets for a minute, straightening them to fully cover him. He wrangled Luffy’s still frowning figure over to lean against his other side.
“I like the color, Baba…” Ace mumbled from his side, eyes closed and breathing deep and soft under the warm blanket.
“I'm glad, sunflower. I grabbed the very last one for you of that color. Looked everywhere for you.
Sabo came in with two mugs, giving them to Crocodile and Ace before heading back to the kitchen and returning with two more, shoving one towards Luffy. Luffy didn't budge, still upset about not getting an early Christmas present. Crocodile pried his hands apart and molded them around the mug to hold it securely. “Thank you, Sabo. This is very kind of you. Boys can you thank Sabo? He just made you coco?”
Ace swallowed a massive gulp of coco before speaking, “Thank you, Sabo!” Then he mumbled, “Could be better with some spice, though…”
“Ace…” Crocodile warned.
“Sorry. It's really yummy, Sabo.” It really…wasn't. Maybe for a child obsessed with sweets. But for Crocodile? It was like drinking corn syrup.
Sabo curled right next to Crocodile, sliding behind Luffy and leaning into his shoulder. They stayed cuddled up for most of the night, Luffy opening his presents, his birthday dinner and dessert of choice. Luffy wanted to watch a movie, so that’s how they ended their night. They lost Ace first, drifting off to sleep under his heated blanket, drooling in Crocodile’s stomach. Luffy was next, sprawled across Crocodile’s lap, one leg dangling on the floor. Sabo was the only kid who lasted to the end, eyes drooping but still awake.
When the credits rolled Crocodile shut the TV off, nudging Sabo a little ”Why don't you get ready for bed, pipsqueak? It's pretty late.” Sabo yawned, nodding his head and sleepily going to brush his teeth. Crocodile shifted Ace to lay on the couch arm and plucked Luffy up from his lap, carrying him to his bed and tucking him in bed. With a kiss to his head and a whispered, “Happy Birthday, Little Sundrop. I love you,” Crocodile went to get Ace to bed, too.
He unplugged the blanket And carried him to his bedroom, tucking him under the covers and brushing his frizzy hair away from his forehead, pressing a kiss to the skin there. “Love you, sunflower. Goodnight.”
“‘ood Nigh’ “ Ace mumbled back sleepily, nuzzling into his pillow. “ ‘ove ‘ou”.
Sabo was yawning and blinking heavily already tucked in, trying to stay awake for Crocodile. “Hi, my little αελλα. I'm really proud of you. You were incredible today, pipsqueak; you helped me so much. I'm so sorry you had to, but thank you. ”
“Is Ace gonna be okay?”
“Yeah, sweetheart. Ace just…went through something really scary and something reminded him of it. Maybe it was snow down his back–his shirt was pretty damp–or it could have been the wind, I don't really know.”
“He had one of those panic attack things didn't he?”
“Yeah, yeah he did. I'm really sorry you had to see that, it can be pretty scary.”
“He just…he just…” Sabo huffed.
“Why don't you start from the beginning.”
“Well you know the beginning. And everything was fine and we were having fun and throwing snow at each other. But then one of the snow balls fell apart and got really powdery. And then Ace just went down. I thought maybe he was just getting more snowballs or something but he didn't get up. And I called out to him but he didn't say anything. He was just laying there, frozen still. I tried talking to him again but he didn't even look at me. It was really scary, Baba. I didn't know what was wrong with him…and I couldn't help him.”
“You didn't do anything wrong, Sabo. You helped Ace and made sure he felt safe and loved. You did really, really good, αελλα. Ace got really scared, and he forgot where he was. Sometimes when things are really scary–like when you have nightmares–and it can consume you a little. That's all that happened. He’s okay, just shaken up.”
“Okay, Baba…you sure he’s okay?”
“I promise , Sabo. Ace is fine.”
Sabo hummed, biting his lower lip again, “And…did I do something wrong?”
“No, you did nothing wrong.”
“Are you mad at me?”
“Not in the slightest, pipsqueak. I love you.”
Sabo sniffled, “Okay Baba…love you too.”
“I need to hear you say it sweetheart. What did you do?”
Sabo grunted and huffed, “Nothing….”
“Uh-huh and am I mad at you?”
“No…”
“Yeah and how do I feel about you?”
Sabo giggled, “You love me.”
“That’s right, pipsqueak, I do.” Crocodile laid down alongside him, “You could never disappoint me, Sabo. Never make me so hateful towards you. That, I promise. Sabo didn’t say anything, electing to burrow into his side and get comfortable. Hi yawns had becomeore frequent, drawing more energy from him with every ‘ahhh-hhhaaa’. He ran his fingers through Sabo’s curls, scratching at his head softly.
Crocodile would stay here until Sabo fell asleep, no fragments of his parents or shadow people or insecurities were getting past him.
And then he'd check on Luffy, snoring and splayed out across his bed, blankets already a disaster. He’d shift his leg and arm up on the end again and cover him once more futiley.
And once Luffy was checked in, he’d pause at Ace’s door and listen to his breathing. In………out.
In………out.
In………out.
In………out.
He leaned in, standing in the doorway. Ace was curled around a stuffie on his side, back facing the wall. His face was relaxed, mouth slightly parted to puff out breaths. His hair had fallen in his face again dusting across his eyes. Crocodile crept forward and brushed his hair back once more, tucking it behind his ear. He slid the blankets up to cover his shoudler, curling it up to his chin, cover his neck.
He supposes it's creepy, watching a random child sleep. Except it's not a random child, it's his son. His son that almost died alone behind a filthy dumpster before even reaching double digits. He was terrified , eyes wide and frozen in familiar fear. It wasn't the same fear tinged with a little wonder that accompanied fantastical nightmares. No, Ace’s eyes shined with a terror Crocodile knew well. The same look he saw in the mirror in the first two years after having Luffy, paranoid of Dragon or his father or someone finding him and taking his sunshine away and hurting him. It was the same look he recognized when his cunt twinged back when he still bled, ghosting touches of the contractions that tore his body apart, clawing and ripping. It wasn’t memories of shit drudged up again but the lingering original sin.
The fear and pain and terror and isolation never left, laying dormant deep under skin, hidden behind muscles and tucked between organs and bones, waiting for the perfect moment to seep out of your pores and stain your view on of reality. He hated Ace had that–for a number of things. It wasn't simply the cold or chill, but everything before. It was the horrific insults and assault of words and the fucking burns and drugs and norns know what else that creeped in the depths of Ace's mind.
Even in the hospital, Ace had been in too deep a feverish fugue state to truly grasp and remember all that happened. The moment he’d seen him lying in the snow, unmoving and breathless, Crocodile had thought the doctors had been wrong. That something was horrifically and incurably wrong with his son. He pushed away his parent brain, shoving rationality and logic to the forefront and taking control of his body and brain. Ace had been so scared–of the snow, his own body, him– his dad, and even his brothers, whimpering and flinching away in pitiful attempts at escape.
Crocodile felt ice cold bile and panic rise in his throat everytime he thought about it. Ace was here, home and safe and warm. Crocodile kept him warm and cared for and he wouldn't stop until Ace asked him to. Then he'd double down because that's when Ace would need it the most. Too much like his dad indeed.
Ace murmured in his sleep, drawing Crocodile out of stewing thoughts. He'd haunted his children enough and he had shit to clean up. He brushed an invisible strand of hair from Ace’s face once more before leaving him to rest.
Crocodile stepped in the living room and was met with a cluster fuck. Birthday bags and tissue paper littered the floor, Luffy’s presents scattered around all over. The coloring book he’d gotten Luffy was already cracked open, scribbles all over the paper.
His and Ace’s snow gear was stuffed in the screen porch, probably re-frozen by now. He needed to put those away and clean up after dinner.
By the time he'd lay his head down he was fucking exhausted. Holy shit, Ace’s doctor appointment was today too. Long ass day.
Anxiety creeped in, choking him out, freezing his body and blood, darkness choking out his vision. What if he made all this up? What if Ace really was hurt? What if the social worker changed his mind again and came knocking to rip Sabo from him tomorrow? What if Dragon found him and stole Luffy away? What if Shanks and Buggy were working for his father? What if Mihawk had allied with Dragon? What if the doctors who treated Ace had called CPS, thinking Crocodile had kicked him out of abandoned him or starved him or cut and burned him or drugged him? What if his children fucking hated him and Sabo actually wanted to leave? What if Ace preferred death than him as a father? What if Luffy grew to use and despise him as his real father did? What if…god fucking damnit he needed to stop.
He was going insane. He needed to have a drink or a smoke or get off or something just to take the edge off but he couldn’t. He’d promised himself to stop with the substances for that purpose. It wasn’t good for the kids and it wasn’t responsible as a parent. He didn’t even want to get off, either…just was freaking out and didn’t know what to do. He didn’t feel safe. He didn’t feel like his kids were safe. He felt like the walls were closing in on him and his kids. Fuck, even his own body hated him. This wasn’t what he’d imagined for his life. He never planned on kids, never gave it a thought besides a frown and shudder. But then he went ahead and got knocked up and it fucked up his whole life.
Don’t get him wrong, Crocodile loved his children and he loved being their dad…but sometimes he wondered what it would be like if he lived the life he’d dreamed of as a child. The least he could do was help his sons with their dreams and goals, even if it destroyed his own.
Crocodile started his mantra before bed, hoping to knock himself out. Light’s work and they have a functioning car in case of an emergency. Luffy’s in bed, sleeping soundly and covered up. The heat is on, no one’s freezing. Ace is safe and sound, in bed and cuddled up with all four of his limbs and all ten of his fingers and toes each. They have enough food and clothing. Sabo is free from the fuck faces for now, happy and rightfully childish. Their water is warm and clean. His children read, write, speak, walk, and can see. He’s providing for them, they’re each loved, well-fed, clothed plenty, have toys, and happy. No one’s yelling or swearing, growling disapprovingly or gifting passive aggressive bows and dolls. His children are accepted as they are, flaws and all. He knows each of their names, their likes and dislikes, and what they’re currently obsessed with. He knows what they struggle with and he knows where they excel. He knows his children, and he loves them. His children love him and he’s doing his best.