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The Song of Kirkawatha
After all the pleas for this particular episode, I really couldn't believe my luck when Dr. Mathra (tmlis, who observed that with his new degree, he now sounds like an evil sci-fi mastermind) shook me out of bed last Sunday with the news: "'The Paradise Syndrome' is on Sci-Fi NOW!" Fortunately, he had started the tape before running in with the breaking news. UN-fortunately, it was two minutes gone before he realized it was on, but managed to faithfully reconstruct those lost minutes for me. So, this one's going out to all you Kirok-lovers out there in the dark, but especially to lis and Couch Baron, who seemed to want him the most. The Trekumvirate of Spock, Kirk, and Bones beam down to a planet. Bones thinks he smells honeysuckle, but Kirk trumps his honeysuckle and raises him an orange blossom. Spock opines that the chances of finding an Earth-That-Is planet all the way out there are "astronomical." A few yards away, the Trekumvirate find a clearing in which stands a huge metal obelisk with mysterious markings on it. They all agree that the obelisk had to have been created by an advanced species, and wonder how it came to be there. At this point, Spock reminds them that they need to get back to the ship and warp over to the asteroid deflection point in thirty minutes. Apparently, there's an asteroid on a direct course toward this planet, and they are assigned? required? just doing it for shits and giggles? to deflect the asteroid before it can destroy the planet. Since they still have thirty minutes before they have to make star tracks, Kirk wants to spy on the local color. See if any native chicks are undressing behind bushes. The Trekumvirate clump over to a lake and look across at what is clearly a primitive culture. The primitiveness being defined by tipis and a small thatched hut, and therefore obviously incapable of making that postmodern metal monstrosity with mysterious markings. Kirk stares longingly out at the small lakeside settlement, and Bones asks him what his problem is. "Oh, nothing," Kirk sighs, leaning against a tree, "Just...so...peaceful...uncomplicated. No...problems...no...command decisions. Just...LIVING!" Bones turns to Spock and explains that Kirk's "typical human reaction" to the idyllic surroundings was called "The Tahiti Syndrome" in the twentieth century. "It's particularly common to high-pressured leadership types, like starship captains," Bones elaborates. "Ah, Tahiti Syndrome," Kirk muses, remembering the alien lass that gave it to him. Thank god the ointment cleared it up. Before they go to "take care of that asteroid," Kirk wants to examine the obelisk one more time.
As Kirk goes to investigate the metal monolith, the other two boys stay by the Lake Glitch-e Gumee. Gads, this resident culture must be primitive to the point of chronic nearsightedness if these three guys are able to twirl around in their garishly-colored shirts without being spotted across a small lake! Spock urges Bones to forget his research on Tribe Bifocal until they take care of the asteroid. Kirk steps up to the obelisk, runs his hands down the side of it, and comms Scotty. But before he can answer Scotty's "Yes, sir?" a sliding trap door opens at the base of the obelisk, and he falls down some stone steps. "Well, don't stand on it! Idiot!" Dr. Mathra shouts. Kirk hauls himself up onto a control panel, pressing all sorts of red buttons, and gets zapped in the head with a thin blue bolt of electricity. He throws his head back, arches his back, and freezes for a moment before sliding over the panel, one partially clenched hand outstretched as he reaches for another slice of smoked ham. As Acting Captain, Spock logs that after many exhaustive efforts -- in which they were as careful about not letting Tribe Bifocal see them as they were when standing across that lake in the wide open, I trust? -- they cannot find Kirk. Spock decides they have to leave so as not to leave their asteroid hanging. He elaborates that if they don't get the asteroid at a certain point, all the geometry in the world can't deflect it away from the planet. The asteroid is on schedule to smash into the planet in two months if Enterprise fails in her mission. Bones argues. Spock explains. They leave. Inside the metal phallus, Kirk stumbles around and thinks to himself. Unfortunately, the magic that is television makes us privy to those thoughts, and if there's anything worse than Shatner Kirking out all over the floor, it's Shatner Kirking out all over the floor in a dramatically breathy internal monologue. He totters hither and yon and wonders, "Where am I? What...place...isthis?" He picks up his communicator and phaser, but lets them fall from his fingers as he loses interest: "What...are...these? I feel...Ishouldknow. They...are...familiar. Yet...unfamiliar." His intellect is staggering. So is he as he lurches up the stone steps, wondering, "How...did...I...get...here? WHO...am...I? Try...to...remember..." Oh, brother. I hope he learns to talk soon, I can't take much more of this fauxlisophical wonderment. For no real reason, the sliding trap door opens, and Kirk steps out into the bright sunlight from the darkness of the obelisk house. Two women sporting leather fringe, beaded headbands, and long, straight, black hair giggle up, carrying baskets of fruits. They don't notice Kirk until he rises fully out of the dark pit. And I'm flat on the floor with astonishment that they didn't flick his naked body with water and oil and make him pose on a conch while demurely covering his naughty bits with a pinky. Yeah, right -- Kirk demure? Hah!
The Daughter of the Moon, No-mo'-kiss, and her friend Poke-ahontas gasp and instantly bow before him as "native" music pipes and shakes. No-mo'-kiss is a little more forward than her friend as she rises first to ask who is this that lights the great wigwam. No-mo'-kiss takes Kirk's hand and presses it to her forehead. My, my, she's quite the bold one, and her fringed skirt is much shorter than her friend's -- maybe her real name is Sack-a-jay-woudja. Kirk asks who the hell she is, and she says, "We are your people. We have been waiting for you to come to us." Kirk looks around like, "Yup, that's right. I have people." Enterprise. Spock commands my ship -- I mean, the ship -- and says that in order to make up the time lost on the planet, they have to proceed at a speed that endangers the engines. Cut to Scotty in Engineering, looking distraught, shaking his head over his babies. Scotty and Spock have a back-and-forth about the dangers of overexerting the engines and why it is necessary. Kirk sits in a wigwam while the Chief sings the song of children to him. "No-mo'-kiss said that you appeared to her and to her handmaiden from the walls of the temple just as our legend foretells. We do not doubt the words of our priestess but these are troubled times and we must be sure," the Chief says. Kirk says he'll do what he can to show them the broad white road of enlightenment. A crabby guy next to the Chief growls that Kirk knows nothing of any import, but the Chief reproves him, "It is against custom to interrupt a tribal elder at council, even for the medicine chief." The medicine chief whines some more, earning him the name of Hiya-wah-wah, and thinks Kirk needs to prove he is a god. Oh, no -- Kirk's a god now? What? Did Shatner write this episode? The Chief talks about the skies darkening, the storms coming and ruining their crops, and how their ancestors predicted someone would come and make it all pickity-boo again for them, specifically to "rouse the temple spirit and make the sky grow quiet again." They want to know if Kirk can do this. Kirk thinks for a minute, not wanting to give up his seat on the God Exchange, and says that he came from the temple just as No-mo'-kiss reported, "And it...was...a...BEGINNING...for me...here...but...I...came...from...the...sky...too. Only...I...can't...remember. I...can't...remember." Don't you think the plots of all these TOS episodes could have progressed so much more if they had cut back on Shat's ellipses? Me too.
No-mo'-kiss rushes in with man carrying a child and explains that the child is mortally waterlogged. Hiya-wah-wah listens to the kid's chest, peels back his eyelids, and says, "There is no sound in the body, there is no light in the eyes." That's just a fancy way of saying he bought it. Kirk pushes Hiya-wah-wah aside and gives it a go. To the slight consternation of Tribe Bifocal, Kirk breathes into the kid's mouth. I don't know where he learned his rescue breathing, but he can't seem to decide if he should pinch the nose or not. The kid's chest inflates -- just like Lifesaver Lucy! And then Kirk scuttles to the kid's feet and starts pumping the knees forward. After I got done screaming, Dr. Mathra explained to me that at this time in the sixties, CPR didn't exist, and this was the accepted way of resuscitating. Then he gave me a hot glass of liquor for my throat. But can I just say, I wasn't the only one disturbed by Kirk's action. Hiya-wah-wah makes like he's going to intervene, but Chief holds him back. Eventually, the kid begins to gasp and cough, but sadly no upchucking of water follows. Kirk rubs the kid's legs to get his circulation going and steps back, knowing that his Pi Beta God key is as good as gold. Chief is all kinds of grateful, and Kirk humbles, "It's a simple technique -- it goes way back..." Then he stops himself, knowing that God works in mysterious ways. Sure enough, Chief announces that only God can bring the dead back to life, and asks Hiya-wah-wah if he's still a Doubting Thomas. Hiya-wah-wah doesn't answer. Chief orders, "Give him the medicine badge!" Kirk looks like he knows he should refuse, but he really doesn't want to, so he stays silent. No-mo'-kiss takes Hiya-wah-wah's beaded headband with the metal disk and puts it on Kirk's inflated head. Snort. I think it's supposed to look like those old-fashioned headgear things country doctors used to wear -- they also had a metal disk. What the hell were they for? All I can remember is that the disk was often used to cover the doc's eye, but Dr. Mathra thinks they also had reflective properties. Hiya-wah-wah is bummed. Enterprise. They prepare to deflect the asteroid while maintaining full power. Again, some weak complaints from Scotty about the dilithium crystal failing, which Spock dismisses with a wave of his delicately boned, yet awesomely strong, hand. My idea of delicious death? Being Vulcan pinched by Spock. Spock orders the deflectors activated, and they shoot at what looks like a piece of ABC Gum. Or one of those gum erasers artists use. "Ooh, ooh! Or a dried-up ball of rubber cement!" Dr. Mathra crows. You get the picture that it doesn't look like a big scary rock of destruction, right? Okay, good. All the deflecting they do doesn't work. Spock then opts to put them directly in the path of the ABC Gum in order to keep backing up until they muster enough phaser power to destroy the thing completely. Bones thinks they could cripple the ship by using excessive power, and then they'd be crushed by the Hubba Bubba Bully. Spock says, "Incorrect, we will still be able to get out of its path using impulse power." His logic gets me all prickly inside. "Jim won't be able to get out of its path!" Bones growls. "That, Doctor, is another calculated risk we must take," Spock tells him. Oh, talk dirty to me!
By the shores of Minne-bamp-chicka-ha-ha. No-mo'-kiss washes some clothes in the lake of Sky Blue Waters -- any Hamm's in there for me? -- and Hiya-wah-wah comes to find out what she's doing. "Seeing to the needs of the God, as is my duty," No-mo'-kiss tells him. Apparently, before Kirk blundered along, these two were affianced, because the Medicine Man always married the Priestess. No-mo'-kiss reminds the Ex-Med-Man of his demotion, so guess what? Hiya-wah-wah is out and Kirk is in. And I do mean in. Inside Wigwam Olympus, No-mo'-kiss brings Kirk his new clothes and pays homage to him as he plays with a hollowed-out acorn squash. By the way, the actress that plays No-mo'-kiss? Former Playboy Bunny. Yup, and now I'm convinced that not only did Shatner write this episode, he broke in a brand-new couch looking for a leading lady. Although, in the interest of full disclosure, I should also admit that she later became a California state senator, but I'm fairly certain Shat had nothing to do with that. Speaking of California politics, one of the first things Dr. Mathra has us doing when we hit San Francisco is -- no, not getting driver's licenses, and not getting a car but, can you dig it? Registering to vote. He came home this weekend all a-flutter with excitement: "Do you know what we're doing on our anniversary this year?" I'm thinking a nice trip to Sonoma, stay in a little auberge, maybe get a spa treament... "We're going to vote in the recall!" he panted. Riiiight, the third year is hanging chads -- silly me. And now that I hear Larry Flynt is throwing his hustlin' hat into the ring, it sounds like a freak circus not to be missed. Can you imagine looking down at the ballot and seeing "Candidate: Arnold Schwarzenegger; Candidate: Larry Flynt..." listed? I've already been a voter in one state where the governor was a muscle-bound Hollywood hulk who talked like he had a mouth full of steroids and a bicep for a brain -- am I doomed to have it happen again? Ugh -- back to Lake Minne-bonka. Kirk asks No-mo'-kiss to give him the inside scoop on Tribe Bifocal. No-mo'-kiss is a bit confused, thinking that a god, by a very loose definition, is all-knowing. Kirk admits, "Not this one." No-mo'-kiss tells him that The Wise Ones brought them to Lake Minne-bonka from far away, chose a Medicine Man, and taught him the secret of the monolith, which was to be used when "the sky darkens." No-mo'-kiss starts to fuss with Kirk's Big Bird shirt, noting, "There are no lacings -- how is this thing removed?" Kirk, for once in his life, ignores that particular question and muses that if the monolith secret has been handed down from father to son, why didn't Hiya-wah-wah use it? No-mo'-kiss explains that Hiya-pa-pa croaked before passing along his legacy to his surly son. Poke-ahontas and her sister Little Big Dinners bring Kirk some food, bow, and back away. Chief walks in and says the nine little words Kirk's been longing to hear his whole life: "Our people rejoice and wish to honor your name." The only problem is that Kirk is He Who Has Not Been Named, and Chief wants to know what they are to call him. Kirk strains a fetlock trying to think: "Krr. Kir." "Kirok?" Chief asks, confusing me because I just went and made myself a Kir Royale. Poke-ahontas and her sister Little Big Dinners go to spread the glad tidings. Apropos of absolutely nothing, Chief asks if they have displeased him. Kirok assures him that everything is fine. "Then it must be ourselves, the way we live. Perhaps we have not improved as quickly as The Wise One wishes," Chief says. Back off, old man -- he said nothing was wrong! Kirk says benevolently, "Your land is rich, your people happy, who could be displeased with that?" Who, indeed. Chief insists that there is something bugging The Kirok. Kirok says he is happy and peaceful and thinks he has never felt that way before. But yet, we know that something is bugging him. Sigh. Once a starship captain, always a starship captain, no matter how many primitive peoples call you God.
Speaking of gods. Spock is still wrestling with the Bubblicious Bully on his back. They try to split the asteroid at its weakest point. Down in Engineering, Scotty rants, "That Vulcan won't be satisfied until these panels are puddles of lead!" Four phasers fired. Four phasers failed. During simultaneous bombardment, Scotty watches his engines flicker and moans, "My bairns, my poor bairns!" Back on the planet of Kirk's ego trip. Kirok sleeps in traditional native garb, but is startled awake when No-mo'-kiss slips into his wigwam for a powwow. She tells him that as she has finished making their ritual cloak, she would like to name a joining day. Kirok is konfuddled. No-mo'-kiss explains, "I'm the daughter of the Chief. Tribal law betroths me to our leader." Kirok looks down, and No-mo'-kiss hastens to add, "If there is another, I will step aside." Kirok looks up and smiles, assuring her that there is no one else in his mind or heart. Not even Janis Rand and her legs? No Joan Collins during the Depression? "God's wish is above tribal law," No-mo'-kiss reminds him. Kirok hands his request down from on high that she name the date. "The sooner our happiness begins, the longer it can last," No-mo'-kiss sages. Whatever, she stole that out of a Hallmark card. No-mo'-kiss wants to get married the very next day. Kirok kisses her. Shouldn't her face get all shiny now so that everyone can see she's been Divinely Touched? That's right! I know my way around the Bible lore. Enterprise. Spock can Acting Captain me anytime. And no, I did not get that out of a Hallmark card. It was a Blue Mountain one. Scotty tells Spock not to ask for any more power favors, since all they have left now is impulse power. Spock wants to know how long it will take to repair the engines. "Hanging here in space? Forever!" Scotty tells him. "The only thing that will fix these poor darlings is the nearest repair base." Spock tells Scotty he already figured that one out, and hangs up. He goes back to studying the monolith on his viewscreen. He's sitting in his chair with his hands folded and his two index fingers extended and pressed together in front of his nose. Mmm, he's cerebrally delicious. Bones chews him out for taking his calculated risk and losing: "You lost for us, you lost for that planet and you lost for Jim!" Spock accepts all of that as his responsibility. Bones says that his responsibility is the health of the crew, and he thinks Spock's been at it too hard: "I want you to get some rest." Spock ignores him and tells Chekov to lay in a course back to the planet. Bones shrieks that it will take months to get back under impulse power. "Exactly fifty-nine point two-two-three days, Doctor," Spock agrees, staring at the monolith, "and that asteroid will be four hours behind us all the way." Bones doesn't understand what the point is, and he screams and stamps his little feet about it. He gets even more irritated when he realizes that Spock isn't listening to him. "All you've been doing is staring at that blasted obelisk!" Spock tells him it's "another calculated Vulcan risk."
Back where everybody hails his name, Kirok puts on the warpaint. Or the marriage paint. Or whatever -- he gets painted. In front of Kirok's monolith of birth, Chief puts some yellow markings on Kirok and says, "You will wait until I walk the holy path to the earth lodge first, to give me time to tell the Priestess that you follow and that the joining will take place." I guess in their culture it's also bad luck for the God to see the bride before the wedding. Chief leaves. I wish I could have left also so that I didn't have to witness this next bit. Kirok raises his leather fringed arms up, then throws them open as though embracing Nature and grins goofily up at the sky. We got this huge carrier -- perfect for a small dog -- to cart the cats cross-country in. At the end of this scene, I was cringing in it. Kirok's voice-over says, "I have found Paradise!" He hugs himself. And I get the idea that's not the first time he's done that. "Surely no man has ever attained such happiness," he VOs. Now Kirok walks the holy walk to his bride, but on the way he runs into Bridegroom Number One, Hiya-wah-wah. They fight. Hiya-wah-wah nicks Kirok with a knife and rejoices, "You bleed! You bleed, Kirok! Behold a god who bleeds!" Such a fuss -- you'd think he'd never heard of stigmata or something. They fight some more, but Kirok is a wily little divinity and dispatches Hiya-wah-wah with a few fancy kicks. Once Kirok gets him on his back, Hiya-wah-wah orders Kirok to kill him, "for I will not rest until I prove to my people that you are no god!" Kirok throws the knife away, thinking others have probably already made some live sacrifices to honor his nuptials, and leaves Hiya-wah-wah alive. In the earth house, Kirok and The Amazing Technifeather Furcoat embrace No-mo'-kiss. What kind of animal had to die in order to give up a lavender pelt -- Tinky Winky? Enterprise is still being pursued by the Bazooka Bully. Spock stands around his room and looks sexy. But he's probably doing some heavy thinking as well. Bones walks in and says, "I thought you were reporting to Sick Bay." Spock, his arms folded, says, "There isn't time, Doctor," and then proceeds to wax intellectualistic about the symbols on the obelisk. Bones sighs that Spock has been on about those symbols since they started back to the planet fifty-eight days ago. So, Kirok and No-mo'-kiss are going to be celebrating their two-month anniversary? How sweet. Spock's aware of the date, and he's also aware that when they get to the planet, they will barely have four hours to take care of business; he thinks the symbols are the key. Bones blusters that Spock hasn't eaten or slept much and is running himself ragged. "I am not hungry, Doctor, and under stress, we Vulcans can do without sleep for weeks," Spock says. Bones checks his bio-signs and says, "Well, your Vulcan metabolism is so low it can hardly be measured, and as for the pressure of that green ice water you call blood --" Spock interrupts that his physical condition is of little significance, but the obelisk is of great significance. Low metabolism? As skinny as all Vulcans have a habit of being, I'm surprised they don't have off-the-charts high metabolism. Bones goes on a diatribe: "Well, my diagnosis is exhaustion brought on by overwork and guilt. You're blaming yourself for crippling this ship just as we blamed you. Well, we were wrong -- so are you. You made a command decision, Jim would have done the same. My prescription is rest, now. Do I have to call the security guards to enforce it?" In the middle of Bones's rant, Spock closes his eyes and gives a slight jolt as he opens them again. Hee: I think he fell asleep a little. At the mention of security guards, Spock turns to look at Bones. Then he gives in and lies down on his bed. Spock on his bed...me on Spock's bed...Spock on my bed...sorry, lost myself in a moment there. As soon as Bones leaves the room, Spock gets back up. "He's like a kid! Is he going to have flashlights under the covers next?" Dr. Mathra wonders.
Back to God's Country. Shirtless Kirok and No-mo'-kiss embrace, and she says something simpering about every time they embrace being better than the first. Kirok goes on and on about how happy he is, and if it weren't for the fact that he's been having dreams that make him doubt his Godjob, his mind would be at peace. No-mo'-kiss thought he no longer had the dreams of "the strange lodge that moves through the sky." Oh, please -- could we get more preciously primitive with the description? Kirok admits that while the dreams were gone for awhile, they have returned to plague their happiness here on the planet of perfect peace. Kirok admits that he also sees dim faces, and he feels that he should know them. "I feel my place is with them," Kirok adds. At this point, I got totally distracted by a bug crawling on Kirok's temple. Is it going to bite him? Do they have bugs in Paradise? "I...don't...deserve...thishappiness," Kirok whines. I don't think God should whine. No-mo'-kiss gives him more happiness he doesn't deserve. She's got a maize bun in the claypot oven. Kirk laughs, "Ha-ha, you!" That's an interesting reaction. And by the way, you know she just smoke-signaled her obit. Back in their Wigwam of Love, Kirok and No-mo'-kiss canoodle a little more. No-mo'-kiss makes note of Kirok's home improvements: "With the power of the lamp -- lamp?" "Lamp," Kirok confirms from his lounge on the floor. "Which turns night into day," No-mo'-kiss continues, "we can cook twice as much food, and as you taught us, pre--?" "Pre-serve," Kirok condescends. "Preserve," No-mo'-kiss repeats, "for times of famine." I guess Kirok thought she was going to forget the word "famine" as well, because he felt the need to say it with her. They laugh. I drink. "So, that is why you made the lamp, Kirok. So I would never know when it was night and I would be forever cooking," No-mo'-kiss teases. "Oh, no, no -- that's not why I made the lamp at all -- to keep you forever cooking," Kirok says, and kisses her. They make out. He made the lamp so there's something to turn down when the bamp starts to chicka. Thunder and lightning outside breaks them out of their clinch, and No-mo'-kiss gets agitated. She tells Kirok he has to go to the temple and make it all stop and save them: "Soon the sky will darken, the lake will go wild and the earth will tremble. Only you can save us." Kirok doesn't think he can do anything to quell the forces of nature. Dude, neither could Ben Affleck. No-mo'-kiss panics and says, "If you do not go now, it will be too late. You have to go to the temple and make the blue flame come out." Kirok says he doesn't know how to get...inside...the...temple. Seriously, people, tightening these scenes could have saved this entire series. Think about it. "But you are a god!" No-mo'-kiss insists. That gets Kirok's attention. Chief and Hiya-wah-wah enter the Wigwam of Love and demand to know why he's not at the temple. Kirok suggests they find safety in the caves. "The caves!?" Hiya-wah-wah scoffs. "Surely a legend can do more than that for his people!" Chief tremolos that when the ground shakes, the caves aren't even safe, and Kirok has to go to the temple and rouse the spirit. No-mo'-kiss gives Kirok encouragement. "Well, what do you wait for, God? Your robes?" Hiya-wah-wah asks. Hee. Kirok leaves and tells Chief and Hiya-wah-wah to take care of No-mo'-kiss.
Kirok runs to the temple, which sits under a blue sky that looks curiously clear and calm to me. The lake looks smooth as well. Where's the River Wild crap No-mo'-kiss was bitching about? Kirok throws himself against the temple, trying to open it. Shouldn't he have been doing that these last two months? From the bushes, Hiya-wah-wah notes his lack of success in rousing the temple spirit. I think he's roused something -- I don't remember the monolith having that mottled look in the first shot of the episode. It looked like it was made of stainless steel, but now it's gone all camouflage-y. Suddenly, a high-pitched shouting from the television set makes me promptly forget my monolith musings. "I AM KIROK! I HAVE COME!" Kirok shrieks, holding his hands above his head. "I AM KIROOOOOOK!" A gust of wind blows KIROOOOOOK against the monolith. Oh, my. How completely embarrassing for him. Not only is he not God, but he makes an utter ass out of himself proving that fact. Hiya-wah-wah smiles evilly. Kirok slowly pounds at the monolith. Enterprise and the big gob of gum fly. Bones enters Spock's quarters to find him not in bed. "I prescribed sleep," Bones says. "You prescribed rest, Doctor," Spock says from his corner. He's holding that Vulcan lute-zither thing, and has determined that the writing on the monolith is a bunch of musical notes whose tones roughly correspond to an alphabet. Spock was able to decipher that the obelisk was left by a "super race." "Led Zeppelin?" Dr. Mathra guesses. No, they were known as the Preservers. As in life. Apparently, these entities would go around the galaxies Good Samaritanizing cultures that were in danger of extinction. They'd take them to a safer place and "seed" them there. "I always wondered why there were so many humanoids scattered throughout the galaxy," Bones says. Huh -- so this is the TOS original version of "The Chase." Interesting. "So have I," Spock says. "Apparently, the Preservers account for a number of them." Bones realizes that the Preservers put an asteroid deflector (in the form of the monolith) on the planet, and that's how the primitive culture was able to survive all these centuries. Spock further realizes for our benefit that the deflector is defective, and now they have to step in and fix it for them. Do you think we were seeded on Earth by Preservers? Well, then, in the spirit of protection, shouldn't Rumsfeld be disappearing any day now? Back at Camp Widgiwagen, Kirok has been found to be a false idol. That's a real camp, by the way. I went there. Hiya-wah-wah has brought Tribe Bifocal to throw stones at him. No-mo'-kiss runs screaming at them not to hurt him. Kirok reaches out to No-mo'-kiss, but Hiya-wah-wah holds her back, saying, "He's false!" No-mo'-kiss insists that she belongs with him, so Hiya-wah-wah tells her to go and die with her false god. No-mo'-kiss runs up to the monolith as Kirok yells, "You'll be killed!" He tries to protect her, but more rocks fly and she falls down. Why the hell don't they run to the other side of the monolith? Kirok stands before them, his arms outstretched, as he tries to say something. They don't listen and cast stones instead. Hee -- he's Stone Temple Pilot.
At this point, Bones and Spock beam down, which completely freaks out Tribe Bifocal, so they run away. Bones and Spock attend to Kirk, ignoring No-mo'-kiss completely. They get Nurse Chapel down there in a hurry. "My wife...is...she all...right?" Kirok asks Bones. "Wife?" Spock repeats incredulously. "Hallucinations?" Um, no -- she's right there next to you, Spock! Kirok calls out for No-mo'-kiss. Nurse Chapel beams down, immediately hyposprays No-mo'-kiss, and takes some readings before moving over to Kirok. Spock props No-mo'-kiss' head on his lap -- oh, that I were a hair on that head that I could rest upon that lap -- and tells her that Nurse Chapel gave her something for the pain. He asks her why they were being stoned. "Kirok could not get back into the temple," No-mo'-kiss rasps. "Naturally, since he did not come from there," Spock comments. No-mo'-kiss is speechless at having her Mrs. God title ripped so logically from her. Nurse Chapel asks if Kirok recognizes them. "His brain is unimpaired, everything else is functioning normally, except his memory," Bones says. If everything else is "functioning normally" on Kirk, why are they wasting their time hovering over him and not attending to No-mo'-kiss? She's obviously more in need of medical attention! I get that they need to get the monolith password out of Kirok, but can't one of them be spared to minister to No-mo'-kiss? Bones says that he can help Kirok's memory but that it will take time, and Spock reminds him that they don't have time. Sulu even comms Spock at this precise moment to tell them how little time they have. Spock wants to know if Kirok is strong enough for "the Vulcan mind fusion." Bones thinks they have no choice. Spock fuses, "I...AM...SPOCK. YOU...ARE...JAMES...KIRK. Our minds are moving closer, closer, closer, closer, James Kirk, closer!" Kirok resists and calls out for No-mo'-kiss. Spock keeps melding: "Our minds are one. I...AM...KIROK!" Kirok joins in at the end there. "I AM KIROK!" they say together. "I...AM...KIR…" Spock fights. "I AM KIROK! KIROK! I AM!" Kirok yells. Spock jolts up violently and explains that Kirok is "an extremely dynamic individual." And then frowns at this admission. I frown too. Kirok sits up and realizes that HE IS KIRK! "It worked," he says, and checks on No-mo'-kiss. After confirming that Kirk was inside of it, Spock tells him that the obelisk is an asteroid deflector and they have to get inside to kick it into gear. Kirk moons over No-mo'-kiss. Spock tells him they don't have much time. Kirk gets Bones to look after No-mo'-kiss. FINALLY! Kirk tells Spock he doesn't know how to get inside. Spock tells him the planet will be destroyed if he doesn't get inside. Late to the Brain Party, Kirk thinks they should decipher the symbols. Spock tells him that he already has -- yeah, and it took him TWO MONTHS, so I don't know why Kirk is acting so calm about deciphering them -- and that they are musical notes. "You mean, entry can be gained by playing certain notes on a musical instrument?" Kirk asks. Spock confirms this, and says that they can also replicate this by "a series of tonal qualities spoken in their proper sequence." Kirk asks for a communicator, and realizes that he must have accidentally stumbled onto the secret password when he contacted the ship. Spock tells him to remember his exact words. Kirk pauses dramatically and then flips open the communicator, "Kirk to Enterprise." "Aye, Captain?" Scotty says. The panel that No-mo'-kiss's body is lying on slides back. That's IT? That's the open-sesame of this piece of tin -- "Kirk to Enterprise"?! First Kirk's God, and now he's a password to a temple? That's...just...so...SICKENING!
Spock goes down into the temple while Kirk gives Scotty orders to take off without them if they don't activate the deflector in time. "The landing party is expendable, the Enterprise isn't." He keeps saying that shit, and I keep correcting him: he's expendable, Spock and Bones (and Nurse Chapel) aren't. And by the way, explain to me why they can't beam Tribe Bifocal up to the ship and out of danger if the deflector fails? Don't give me any Prime Directive crap, either; we're way out of that territory. Kirk kisses No-mo'-kiss and goes into the temple after telling Bones to do what he can for her. Spock comments on the complexity of the deflector panel and reaches out for a button. Kirk tells him to be careful: "I must have hit something accidentally. A beam caught me and that's when I stopped remembering." "Probably a memory beam, you must have activated it out of sequence," Spock says. Now why would an asteroid deflector need to be equipped with a memory beam? Kirk asks if Spock can read the symbols, and Spock goes on and on and ON about having a good eye for musical notes and -- "Spock, just press the right button," Kirk interrupts. Spock presses it. The place rumbles, and a big fake blue beam fires out of the monolith and at the ABC Gumwad, which moves away. Wigwam of Love. Bones hovers over No-mo'-kiss as Kirk walks in. Bones says there's nothing they can do for her. Of course not. I mean, they've managed to fix Spock -- a Vulcan -- after he was attacked by Psychotic Fried Eggs, and then there were the countless times that various crewmembers lost their minds and were declared clinically dead, or had beings inhabit their bodies while their brains were trapped in a big glass ball, or any number of medical monstrosities that they were able to fix, yet they can't help a woman who was hit by stones?! Come on! Kirk kneels beside No-mo'-kiss, who is softly haloed by The Hot Chick In Love Who Is Dying Lighting, and she rejoices in the fact that he is safe and that he saved her people. So, "No-mo'-kiss, Beloved Wife of God" can go on her tombstone after all. No-mo'-kiss says, "When I am better, it will be as it was." Kirk says, "If that's what you want," but he doesn't say it very tenderly. He doesn't say it with the tone of a man whose wife, and the woman carrying his only child, is dying in front of him. "Dude, her dinners are a higher altitude than her head!" Dr. Mathra notes. No-mo'-kiss denials her way through the scene, saying they will live long and happy lives and she will bear him lots of Godlings. No-mo'-kiss moans in pain and tells Kirk that she loves him always. Kirk returns the sentiment and kisses her. Those sideburns he wears this season make his face look really fat. "Each kiss is as the first," No-mo'-kiss whispers. Oh, just DIE already! What's truly amazing is that as her life force trickles from her body, she still has the strength to hold one of her knees in that girl-lying-out-in-the-sun pose. No-mo'-kiss moans softly one more time and dies. As the credits roll and the native music plays, Kirk stays with her. Honestly? He doesn't seem that upset, and that bothers me. When he's zapped by some tiny shock he can consume a whole plate of roast scenery with a side of ham hock, but can he muster any sort of emotion when his Priestess, Wife, and Biggest Worshipper dies? Not really.
At least Quantum would muster a furrow.