Chapter Text
14&16.
Penelope’s index fingers trace under her eyes to the bridge of her nose, then down to her nostrils. She presses down until she can’t let air pass through. She lets go and sighs in frustration as her nostrils form back to their natural shape. Too round . Her fingers move to the apples of her cheeks. She sucks her cheeks in, tilting her head slightly to each side, inspecting the hollows of her cheeks. She again, sighs in frustration once her cheeks go back to their natural form. Too round.
As the rest of her family is sound asleep for the night, she sits at her vanity over-analyzing her features. After a two month visit to her Aunt Pauline’s, tomorrow will be her first visit to Aubrey Hall for this off season.
While she is excited to reunite with Eloise after a 2 month separation, what’s keeping her up tonight is the anticipation of seeing Colin. Aside from the occasional correspondence between the two while Colin was away for schooling, the last they had seen one another was the end of last summer before the Featherington and Bridgerton carriages made their way back to Mayfair and Colin’s to Eton.
She leans forward, as her breasts strain against the fabric of her night gown. Her eyes roam across the silvery indented branches that crisscross across her chest. Since starting her courses 8 moons ago, she is learning to accept the markings splayed throughout her breasts, hips and inner thighs for what they are; a personal map of her body transforming, veering into womanhood.
She lightly grazes the textured skin, happy they are no longer a harsh reddish purple hue they were before. She cups her breasts from underneath and gently lifts and squeezes feeling her peaks harden from the contact, she hums in approval when they bounce back to their natural form once released. Perfectly round, she thinks proudly. She is not fond of many of her features, but (thanks to the two new additions) she is grateful her belly is no longer what sticks out most when it comes to her frame.
Having her older sisters as blueprints, Penelope is able to understand most of the physical changes that come with becoming a woman. What confuses her are the mental and emotional changes. She tries to better understand her mood swings, heightened self consciousness, and the need for privacy (even from Eloise at times.)
What she can’t wrap her head around at all are the wicked thoughts and daydreams of holding hands, kissing and being held by Colin Bridgerton. It’s never about anyone else but Colin, leading her to wonder if this is a womanhood change, or strictly just a Penelope change. She knows well enough this isn’t a topic of conversation amongst proper young ladies, so for now she just allows the thoughts to occur praying no one sees the flush in her cheeks when it happens.
Her only solution is to suppress these new wicked thoughts until nighttime when she’s alone in her bedchamber, even then she worries someone will read her impure thoughts if they were to walk past her door.
Tonight she can’t help but hope Colin notices and appreciates her womanly changes as much as she does. Maybe tomorrow will be the day he’ll consider her a decent woman rather than just his dear family friend.
Her thoughts are interrupted by a clink on her window.
Eloise. Her brave, brave companion sneaking out of Aubrey Hall, clearly anticipating for the new day to begin just as much as her.
Clink.
Penelope dashes over to take a glance out of her window. She sees nothing but darkness and a single lit lantern waving eagerly in the air.
Impatient Eloise.
She quietly rushes out of her bedchamber. Noting the faint light streaming from under her Aunt Pauline’s guest room door, she reminds herself to not make a sound when returning back to her bedchamber.
Once successfully making her way out from the servant’s entrance, her soul practically jumps out of her body as she’s met with a burning lantern being held by a much larger frame than Eloise’s.
“Pen! It’s good to see you,” Colin whisper-shouts as Pen attempts to catch her breath after the near-death scare.
“Colin, you nearly scared me half to death! I was expecting Eloise.”
He chuckles, “sorry to disappoint.”
She slowly takes him in, his bare neck, chest slightly exposed, no waist coat and his sleeves rolled up displaying his forearms. Last year he was all height, and no width, he seems to have filled out more during his time away. His shoulders were broad, and his arms seem lean yet thicker than before. Even his neck looked to be thicker. She snaps out of her trance as she catches his throat bob.
Panicked, she shifts her gaze to his face and to her sheer amazement he’s staring wide-eyed at her heaving chest. Glory be to God.
Her silent celebration is cut short when they hear Aunt Pauline’s balcony door open from above. They meet each other’s fearful eyes. Without a second thought Penelope pulls him closer to the servants entrance, right under Aunt Pauline’s balcony safe from her view.
They hold their breath, only sighing in relief once they hear Aunt Pauline making her way back into her bed chamber clicking the balcony door shut.
They can’t help but laugh once some time has passed. And without saying a word they take each other’s hands and run towards the bridge.
They make their way over to Stonehedge, giggling and catching their breath.
“That was Aunt Pauline, you know. As pleasant as she is, she would have had both our heads if she had seen us.”
He hums, “well it’s a good thing we were not found.” Hearing him above a whisper for the first time tonight, she takes note that his voice is deeper than last year. He gazes over her- losing his smile, her stomach flips.
“Your night gown… it’s not yellow.”
She can’t help but laugh, crinkling her nose, “No Colin, luckily it’s not. But I’m sure if Ms. Delacroix had the color readily available mama would have it ordered.” He nods, raising an eyebrow.
She makes her way over to a bench overlooking the side garden just a few paces next to a vacant barn. She takes a seat. Colin joins.
“And how is Aunt Pauline taking all the changes?”
Aunt Pauline’s husband recently passed, which was the main cause for the Featherington ladies to change their travel destination from their country estate in Kent to Pauline’s and the late Robert Ashford’s estate in North Wrexbridge. While the marriage was not formed through love, but rather a marriage of convenience they grew a friendship and mutual respect for one another throughout their 5 years together thus becoming a great loss for Pauline. She will be staying with the Featheringtons for the rest of the off season.
“She is mourning, when we first arrived I have never seen her so withdrawn. She spent weeks in her bedchamber refusing to see anyone but mama.”
She feels Colin tense up next to her. Death was not a topic discussed with the Bridgerton’s. Especially after the passing of Lord Edmund Bridgerton months after Colin took her to Stonehedge for the first time.
Penelope decides to steer the conversation into safer territory, “She is doing much better now, I believe the constant bickering amongst my sisters and mama has been some form of a distraction for her.”
He laughs lightly, “I’m sure she is most grateful to have you all there for her.”
They spend their time in the garden sharing stories of their year apart from one another. In between fits of giggles Penelope recounts the day Prudence was chased by a wild goose resulting her to trip and fall face first into a pond right before church services. As they’re recovering from laughing after Colin’s story of the time he and his friends were able to sneak in two baby goats into their headmasters office in the middle of the night, they hear an unfamiliar set of laughter and whispers coming from the front of the estate.
They stiffen with fear, trying to form an escape route as the laughters grow louder. They rush to shelter at the side of the barn, trying to conceal their presence all the while peering over to get a view of the intruders. To Penelope’s greatest surprise, she finds Aunt Pauline giggling in the arms of a man while he kisses her neck? She gasps in disbelief, a wave of disappointment coursing through her as her cheeks warm from the inappropriate display.
And then it happens. A twig snaps in the direction of a copse of bushes at the center of the garden, sending 4 pairs of shocked eyes in the same direction.
“Who’s there?” The man shouts, facing away from the barn and towards the bushes.
Colin instinctively wraps one arm around Penelope’s waist, pulling her back flush against his chest. His other arm wraps around her shoulder as he lightly cups her mouth with his hand.
“There is no one here, John,” Pauline says reassuringly, kissing the back of the man’s interlocked hand.
Penelope feels Colin’s chest vibrate with a sharp exhale. Pauline and John resume their kissing, only breaking away once in a while to whisper in one another’s ears.
Colin leans in and whispers, “there’s a door towards the back of the barn. I think we can make our way there while they are… occupied.”
She nods, humming against his palm.
Once in the barn, Penelope can’t help but pace. She has her hands interlocked, her thumb tracing against her opposite palm- a habit she picked up over the years to comfort herself.
“How could she?… She is in mourning… what of her husband?” She murmurs under her breath.
She stops in her tracks as Colin steps in front of her, placing his hands on her shoulders.
“We need to focus Pen, it is important we pay attention right now. It is the only way we can make it out of here without being found.” She nods, trying her best to compose herself.
The barn has three stalls on each side with a pathway running through the middle. They settle in one of the stalls in the back corner furthest away from the front door and the garden. The stall is bare, aside from hay piles on the ground and a walled nook no bigger than a wardrobe occupied with extra, stacks of bales of hay.
A minute later something thuds against the barn’s front door. They hear the clinking of the door latch.
“Colin, the lamp,” Penelope ushers as he hurries to blows out the candle.
“The nook, we have to go in there.”
“There is not enough room for us both,” she whispers in a panic.
She yelps, as Colin lifts her by the waist and places her onto the hay bales. With no time to spare as Pauline and John stumble into the barn, he takes place standing in between her knees.
He braces his arms on both sides of her. He leans his upper body towards her, making sure his midsection has some distance from her and the bales. Penelope decides the despair of discovering her favorite aunt’s lack of morals is well worth it if it means being this close to Colin.
They wait in silence while they hear muffled hums and the occasional gasp coming from the stall across the room, furthest away from them. Colin’s brows are furrowed, his eyes are locked to the wall behind her, just past Penelope’s face, as she focuses her sights directly ahead which would be Colin’s neck.
And then Penelope hears the worst possible noise she could hear in the dark. The squeaks of mice coming from under her. She launches herself forward, causing her gown to shift up slightly. She’s trying her hardest not to scream, as Colin secures his hands on her hips preventing her from getting off the hay bales completely. There is not enough room for both of them to stand in the nook without being seen. Her face is against the crook of his neck, and all she can strain out of herself in her lowest voice possible is, “Mice. In. Hay.”
He drapes one arm around her cradling her head to his neck, as the other remains on her hip, “I know, stay still,” he whispers against her temple sounding breathless. She wraps her arms tightly around his waist pulling him flush against her chest, hoping it will steady her breathing somehow.
Penelope doesn’t know what’s worse, the sound of mice squeaking or the unfamiliar muffled sounds heard across the stables. She can hear mixtures of phrases like “missed you” and “please” ricocheting off the walls. As if reading her mind, Colin covers her ear with his hand, and gently presses her head down to his chest suppressing any noise to travel to her other ear.
She sounds to be in pain at times, yet her words are pleading and encouraging, Penelope observes the very little she had heard. Same goes for the man who would groan here and there but will follow along with compliments like “so beautiful” in the same breath. Who knew kissing could be so intense?
Her body stiffens as she feels a familiar wetness between her thighs followed by an ache in her lower belly she’s never felt before. It takes everything in her not to groan in annoyance. Her course has arrived.
Similar to how a seashell carries the sound of the ocean, the way Colin cups her ear Penelope’s able to hear Colin’s shallow breathing in her ear and the more she focuses on it, the stronger the ache in her belly becomes. It’s overwhelming and she wants it to end. She shifts slightly on the bale of hay hoping a new position will alleviate the ache.
Bad idea. Due to her shifting on the hay, she hears a loud squeak.
Now her brain fixates on the mouse squeaking beneath her as she hears the hay crunching as it burrows around the bale. Softly whimpering in fear, she grabs on to his shoulders and harshly rolls her hips against Colin’s, making every effort to not be on the bale when the mouse makes its way to the surface. He grabs her by the hips, completely taken by surprise that she’s clinging on to him so tight. And then she hears it directly in her ear, a whined guttural grunt from Colin. She freezes and snaps her eyes to his, worried she may have hurt him.
“Don’t. Move,” he grits out as he moves her back on to the edge of the bale of hay, her hands now at his hips to keep her stable. She barely recognizes him, he’s breathing heavily, his cheeks are completely flushed and he has a look in his eyes she’s never seen. It’s quickly replaced with shame and embarrassment, and she can’t help but to mirror his feelings.
She shifts herself back onto the hay, placing her hands in lap. She dips her chin, keeping her eyes on her hands as she traces her palm with her thumb.
The pair are whispering “I love you’s” to one another like a chant and all Penelope wants to do is disappear and hide away from the ashamed look Colin gave her. And then she hears it again, that exact intense guttural sound only this time it’s not coming from Colin and it’s followed by a crisply gasped “I love you.”
Colin and Penelope make it across the river shortly after without any problem. She has so many questions, but finds it’s best to keep them to herself when she remembers the look of shame on Colin’s face in the barn. Kissing is clearly a topic he does not want to discuss with her.
The following day Aunt Pauline escorts Penelope over to Aubrey Hall. Before Miss Wilson can offer them to come in, Pauline asks the maid if she could kindly ask for Colin to step out for a moment. Penelope’s stomach tightens at the request.
The panic on Colin’s face is easily readable as he steps out of Aubrey Hall.
“Miss Pauline.” Colin bows at the woman.
“Mrs. Ashford,” she corrects with a tight smile.
“My apologies, Mrs. Ashford,” he bows. “Miss Featherington,” he bows again. They bow in return.
“Do you know why I gathered you both here?” She asks shifting her gaze between Colin and Penelope.
They stare with their mouths hanging open, shaking their heads.
“I don’t want to be difficult about this, and I’m trying my best to be levelheaded about this,” she starts, running her hands over the front of her skirts. In a hushed, stern tone she continues, “I need you both to understand that what happened last night cannot happen again.”
They both freeze up, fighting to find a response. Luckily Pauline further continues, “I saw you Mr. Bridgerton, from my balcony.. escorting Penelope home very late into the night. I need a better understanding of what happened, so I can decide what to do going forward.”
“Ma’am, we only talked. I can assure you I would never take liberties with Pe- Miss Featherington,” he rushes out; resulting in Pauline sending a skeptical glare at him.
“Or… or- or any gently-bred young lady for that matter. We- we only went for a stroll and talked, I promise.” Pauline waits for him to continue, now crossing her arms across her chest.
“I could not find sleep, so I went for a stroll about the grounds. And I saw Miss Featherington had a candle lit in her room from a distance. So… so I thought maybe we could keep one another company. Now hearing myself say it… I must admit it was quite reckless of me to do. And I promise it will not-“
Penelope cuts in softly, finding his rambling painful to hear, “Aunt P, Colin is being truthful. We only went for a short walk and shared a few stories until sleep found us. He’s my friend and we didn’t think anything of it, but we know now it is improper and will not do it again.”
Aunt Pauline turns to Penelope, her eyes softening. She searches her face for a moment and then sighs, rubbing Penelope’s back soothingly, “I will take your word for it Penelope.”
She turns to Colin, “you will keep each other company during the day with a chaperone in attendance. And if I learn of anything otherwise, it will pain me to have to mention last night’s stroll to your parents.”
They nod in unison murmuring thank you’s and continued apologies, as they make their way into Aubrey Hall.
Penelope learns two things that summer.
One. It wasn’t her course that arrived that night in the barn. She isn’t exactly sure what it is, but she learns the mysterious wetness only pools in between her thighs whenever she thinks of her closeness to Colin that night in the barn. Or whenever he casually leans in and whispers in her ear.
Two. The marriage arrangement that was set up years ago was not as binding as she thought. One evening Lady Bridgerton and Featherington sit Colin and Penelope down to clarify on a few changes regarding their arrangement.
Lady Bridgerton explains they are no longer required to wed once Penelope reached the age of twenty. And while they believe Colin and Penelope would make a lovely match, they want to allow them the freedom to see if it is possible to meet anyone else they wish to marry. She concludes that the arrangement is a safety net for them rather than an obligation, and if Penelope and Colin reach 23 and 25 without having found a match they are to marry one another.
Penelope looks to her mama after Lady Bridgerton closes her speech. Her demeanor is confusing, she nods her head in agreement while wearing a tight reluctant smile.
While lying in bed that night Penelope decides she will not allow her mama’s doubts bring her spirits down.
She may not understand how love works or much of how the world does, but the only time she’s ever heard a man profess his love was that night in the barn and it gives her hope. The man- John was consumed with passion he could barely gasp for air as he professed his love for Aunt P. The exact gasp she heard from Colin as they held each other in the stall. And though it was short lived and he looked ashamed immediately after, she holds on to the hope that one day he will not feel ashamed and he’ll be able to pledge his heart to her as John did to Aunt P.
17&20.
“Mrs. Wellesley, before you go in I have to warn you she may not speak much. And could you try convincing her to eat? She may listen to you,” Varley says to Pauline before they reach Penelope’s door.
She nods, taking in a deep breath as she mentally prepares herself before she enters the room.
She narrowly misses Penelope’s presence when she does a quick glance over the entire room. She lays in bed engulfed in her counterpane and blankets.
“Penelope?”
She turns her head and stares towards the ceiling, not even attempting to face towards the entry way where Aunt P stands.
After a few seconds of deliberation she makes her way over to the bed feeling heaviness tug at her gut as she gets closer. She lifts the counterpane and crawls in next to Penelope. She lays there staring up at the ceiling, allowing Penelope to move at her own pace. Aunt Pauline can wait all day if that’s what Penelope needs.
Minutes pass.
Penelope rolls over and wraps her arm around her waist. Pauline returns the embrace as Penelope’s sobs are muffled against her chest. They hold one another and cry.
Things eventually settle down and the room is now only filled with soft breathing and the occasional sniffle.
Just when she thinks Penelope has found sleep she hears muffled against her, “take me away from here.”
“What?” Aunt P asks not sure if she heard correctly.
“Take me away from Mayfair,” she says more clear this time.
“Please,” she adds in a strangled sob.