Chapter Text
The silence was deafening.
I like boys, Neil
I like boys, Neil
I like boys, Neil
It was such a simple phrase, yet the power behind it triggered thousands of blaring sirens in Todd’s ever frantic mind. He swallowed as his fleeting confidence deflated more and more the longer Neil remained utterly speechless.
He looked into his eyes, searching for any obvious emotion. Disgust, anger, confusion, he’d take anything if it got rid of the sickening anticipation clawing its way through his gut.
Nothing, nada, Neil just stared.
What the hell have I done?
His stomach churned as the magnitude of what had just happened truly sunk in, fear seeping deep into his bones. What was he thinking? He’d heard the horror stories, if the wrong person found out he was gay, he was beyond screwed.
And now, the only person he trusted enough to tell was not saying a damn thing.
Oh God. Oh God.
However, if Todd were to reflect on this night, to take the time to analyse every detail, he would realise that Neil’s torturous silence had only lasted a mere few seconds. His roommate just needed a brief moment to gather his thoughts, that was all.
At the time though, the lack of response felt like an eternity, several eternities, and Todd didn’t know what else to do with that other than to assume the worst.
So that’s exactly what he did.
Hit with a huge wave of panic, Todd leapt from his spot on Neil’s bed, almost tripping over his feet as he scrambled to his side of the room. Neil had tried to grab his arm, “Woah! Wait! Wait a second!” But Todd, too frightened to think straight, paid him no mind.
“I’m so sorry!” He babbled, the welling of tears making a grand return as Neil’s protests fell deaf on his ears. Hands trembling, he ducked under his bed and retrieved his dusty old suitcase, ungraciously hauling it to the surface.
Todd began fumbling with the tiny metal clasps, failing to notice that Neil had also hopped off the bed. He was now standing behind him, mouth agape, completely dumbstruck.
“What are you doing?”
Todd darted over to his closet, pulling out the biggest bundle of clothes he could carry.
“There’s a bus stop nearby.” His shaky voice, barely audible, mumbled as he dumped the pile straight onto his pillow.
“What?” Neil asked incredulously, Todd was too busy planning a bus route in his head to notice the bewilderment in his tone.
“I- I’ll pack my stuff and I’ll be gone for good, y-you won’t hear from me again I swear.” He kept his back turned, too afraid to face Neil as he began stuffing heaps of sweaters and pants into his case, not bothering to fold them properly.
He had no plan, barely any money, where the hell was he supposed to go?
It didn’t matter. He had no choice now.
I’ve done this to myself.
“Todd, stop.” His roommate pleaded, watching in horror as he tried to reach forward and touch his shoulder, but Todd just flinched away. He was trying desperately to squish down the mound of clothes preventing his case from shutting, to no avail.
“Todd!”
He didn’t hear.
“Todd!”
It took several borderline shouts of Todd’s name before he finally registered that Neil was trying to get his attention. He wanted to ignore him, to just grab his suitcase and flee into the night, he was far too sleep deprived for any kind of messy confrontation. But his damn case was still not shutting properly, and he knew that Neil could very easily block the door, or even follow him outside if he was particularly desperate.
Fucking hell, this night cannot get any worse.
Sighing, Todd slowly turned around, shoulders tense and face white as a ghost. With all the enthusiasm of a pinched balloon, he looked up and stared Neil in the face.
His roommate was watching him, eyes wide and chest heaving, but expression unreadable.
Neil was an actor for Christ’s sake, making readable facial expressions was part of the job, why couldn’t Todd read him when he needed to the most?
After several excruciating seconds, Todd gulped as he noticed the space between them getting smaller and smaller.
Neil’s steps were cautious, as if he were approaching a frightened animal he didn’t want to scare away. Todd tried to step backwards, but cursed silently when the backs of his legs hit the bed.
“What are you doing Neil?” The words tumbled out of his mouth like a gushing waterfall.
Neil said nothing. He just curled his hands gently around Todd’s wrists, prompting him to drop the shirt he had forgotten he was still holding. It landed on his feet with a quiet thud, but he couldn’t feel it, his entire body had gone numb due to Neil’s touch.
His spiked heart rate suddenly mellowed, just a little bit, as warm brown eyes gazed softly into his.
“What are you doing?” He asked again, calmer this time.
Neil squeezed his wrists, “Todd, it’s okay.” He finally whispered.
Todd didn’t know what he expected to happen after that, but what he definitely wasn’t expecting was for Neil to pull him into a bone crushing hug.
“Guh-“ was the noise he made as his roommate circled his arms tightly around his shoulders. Todd’s already rigid frame stiffened when Neil squeezed him just a little too hard, but he soon relaxed when he felt the featherlight touch of fingernails trailing up and down his back.
“Neil…?” He mumbled hesitantly, arms dangling awkwardly by his side.
“It’s alright, Todd, really, you’re fine.” Neil spoke, his soothing voice cleared some of the static overwhelming Todd’s mind.
“You like boys, that’s okay.”
Todd couldn’t quite believe his ears. “You- you don’t mind?” He barely stuttered out. “You don’t think I’m some sort of freak?”
“No! course not, you’re Todd, I would never think anything like that, I promise.”
“Y-you sure?” Todd muttered in disbelief, he could feel years worth of tension slowly draining from his body under Neil’s calming ministrations.
“Trust me, I’m sure.”
He said it so calmly, so easily, and Todd broke.
The suppressed onslaught of tears were finally let loose as he wrapped his arms tightly around his roommate’s back, gripping onto him like a lifeline. Neil just whispered more soft reassurances into his ear as his sobs took over his entire body, though for once in his life, they were not out of fear or sadness, they were out of pure relief. He had spent way too many years of his life stressing to hell and back about his sexuality, that stress intensifying when he eventually fell head over heels in love with his roommate. But now, said roommate was holding him close, gently scratching his back as he told him that everything was fine, that he wasn’t disgusting, that he wasn’t some devil worshipping predator, he was just Todd, and he was okay.
He was just Todd, and he was okay.
He cried even harder, this was exactly what he needed, what he had always yearned for. Hell, Todd would have been over the moon with someone merely tolerating his sexuality, let alone accepting it with open arms. The joy and relief was overwhelming.
“It’s okay.” Neil repeated softly for the final time. He began steadily moving backwards, urging Todd to walk with him as he guided them both back to his bed. He placed the chess set delicately on the floor before lifting his comforter, wrapping it snugly around Todd’s shaking shoulders.
He snorted, “You look like a burrito.”
Todd hiccuped as a small laugh bubbled out of his throat. “I feel like one.”
Neil just smiled, looping an arm around Todd once again and pulling him safely to his side. Todd’s head involuntarily fell onto his shoulder.
He didn’t get up.
“So, that’s what was worrying you?” His roommate asked after a while, once Todd’s cries had mostly subsided. “You thought I would hate you because you’re gay?”
“Yeah.” Todd sniffed. It was only a half lie, Todd was very much worried about what his roommate would think of his sexuality, but he was still very much worried about what Neil would think of his ever growing romantic feelings. He didn’t need to know about that though, not yet.
Luckily, his wavering voice and blotchy face temporarily concealed his abysmal lying abilities. Neil didn’t question his response, he just kept holding onto Todd like he was something valuable, something precious. The action made the butterflies in Todd’s stomach flutter with glee.
“I could never hate you, Todd.” He insisted gently, pressing his cheek against the top of Todd’s head, his entire body radiating the warmth and comfort Todd had always wanted, but so rarely got. He found himself easily sinking into Neil’s calming embrace, he couldn’t help himself.
“Can you blame me for being scared though?” He asked genuinely, voice cracked and uneven. “Most people wouldn’t react so kindly to… that sort of thing.”
Todd didn’t miss the way Neil’s body stiffened slightly.
“I know, you’re right.” He murmured through gritted teeth. “I’ve never understood it… how are people so scared of two people loving each other? Why does the gender matter so much?”
Todd’s heart fluttered as Neil quoted the exact questions he had asked himself over and over for the last five years.
“I don’t know, it’s not fair.” He mumbled bitterly.
“It’s not like I chose this, no one chooses this.”
“Exactly!” Neil exclaimed, making Todd jump. “It’s not like there’s any choice in the matter! You just-“ He started waving his hands frantically in the air, narrowly avoiding Todd’s head, “-like who you like! What’s the big deal?!”
Todd chuckled, more tears welling in his eyes at Neil’s apparent solidarity. “Yeah, what’s the big deal.”
They soon fell into a comfortable silence. Neil resumed running his hand softly up and down Todd’s back, the motions were incredibly soothing, turning Todd into putty in Neil’s arms.
“Thank you.” He eventually murmured, doing his best to pour as much sincerity as he could into his voice.
“For…?”
“You know what.” Todd laughed, rolling his eyes. “For taking this well, for not calling me gross or something.”
“You don’t need to thank me for that Todd.” Neil asserted gently, giving Todd another squeeze. “It’s just human decency.”
Todd scoffed. “You’re not like most humans then.”
They both knew he wasn’t wrong. Most people would definitely not show Todd the kindness and compassion his roommate had. He was pretty damn grateful he trusted his intuition for once, Neil was 100% the best person to open up to about his sexuality.
It wasn’t until after several seconds of silence that Neil spoke again.
“Well, it would be pretty…”
A beat.
Whatever Neil was about to say, it died quickly on his tongue. Todd’s ears pricked at the sudden halt of his voice.
What was he about to say?
“What…?” He finally lifted his head, already missing Neil’s shoulder as his fuzzy eyes watched him curiously. He frowned when his roommates jaw suddenly tensed up, eyes darting about rapidly.
“Uhh…”
Todd swallowed, “Are you okay?”
Neil smiled reassuringly, “Yeah, just thinking.”
“About?”
“Ummm…”
Neil clicked his tongue, true to his word, he really did look deep in thought.
Todd waited patiently.
After a moments contemplating, Neil sighed, before turning to Todd with a slightly nervous smile.
“I was just going to say that… it would be pretty damn hypocritical of me to react badly to you being gay, if you catch my drift.”
Huh???
The second the word ‘hypocritical’ passed Neil’s lips, all of Todd’s thoughts were once again suspended. All of them except the one that screamed “He’s just like you! He’s just like you!”
He couldn’t be, could he?
“W-what do you mean hypocritical?” Todd stuttered as he entered a state of shock. He was pretty sure he already knew the answer, but he needed some kind of confirmation, he needed it before he met an untimely death due to his head exploding to pieces. Oh well, it would make an interesting head stone at least.
Here lies Todd Alexander Anderson, head exploded due to shock after discovering the love of his life may also be gay. 1942-1960
Neil chuckled sheepishly. “I think you already know, you’re not the only one in Welton who likes boys, Todd.”
Oh my God.
This whole time, this whole fucking time, Neil liked boys too? He had been so scared of what Neil would think of him being gay, he didn’t think for one second that his best friend might have been having similar worries.
Oh my God.
“Seriously?” Todd blurted, head swimming, eyes growing huge. Memories of their previous conversation flashed across his mind without any warning, and in spectacular detail too.
[Because you wouldn’t understand!]
[I will understand! More than you’d think!]
Holy shit.
[I mean that whatever problem you’re having with, you know, love or whatever, it’s not gonna shock me alright? Trust me.]
[So, you’ve had problems with love before?]
[Something like that.]
Holy shit!
“Yes, I’m dead serious.” Neil laughed, cheeks growing red as he awkwardly fidgeted with his fingers.
Todd gaped as his roommates earlier words suddenly made sense. Neil knew Todd’s problem wouldn’t shock him, because in this universe, there was nothing love related that was more shocking than homosexual love. Neil was prepared for anything.
God, I’m so stupid.
“I-I- I didn’t even think…” Todd didn’t know what to say, he’d never met another person like him before. “Does anyone else know?” He eventually asked.
“No.”
Todd’s eyes widened even further as Neil squinted, tilting his head thoughtfully. “That’s the first time I’ve ever even said it out loud, come to think of it.”
Jesus.
“Ar-are you okay with that?” Todd asked hesitantly, he didn’t know how Neil was being so casual about this. He lifted half the blanket he was swaddled in, wrapping it around Neil’s shoulders until they were both sat in a cozy cocoon of cotton. The gesture made his roommate grin from ear to ear, a light pink dusting his cheeks.
“I think so, yeah.”
“Are you sure?”
“I mean, if you asked me yesterday, definitely not. But, I think I feel a little more comfortable now, considering…”
He gestured to Todd with a teasing smile. Todd couldn’t help but laugh. “Shut up, Neil, I wouldn’t have said a thing if it wasn’t for you.” He poked Neil lightly on his shoulder.
His smile dropped instantly.
So did Todd’s. “Neil?”
“You’re right, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have pressured you like that. I honestly thought you were just hung up on some girl.”
Neil looked really guilty, Todd was quick to reassure him.
“Neil, it’s okay, you didn’t know. Honestly, if you hadn’t of given me a push, I think I would have kept it a secret for the rest of my life.”
He wasn’t lying. Whilst Todd didn’t exactly appreciate the pestering, he knew Neil only pried because he cared so much. And, if he hadn’t of done what he did, Todd doubted he ever would have found the courage to talk about his sexuality.
Neil chuckled, “Me too, probably. Still, I’ll try to be less pushy in future.” He promised, before flashing Todd another teasing grin.
“Don’t think I’m gonna stop getting you out of your comfort zone though, you’re not off the hook yet Anderson.”
Todd giggled, rolling his eyes with a shake of his head. “I didn’t think so.”
And, despite himself, Todd was perfectly okay with that.
They sat together in silence for a few moments, still bundled up in Neil’s comforter, pressed into each others sides like two peas in a pod. Todd wasn’t sure when his head had flopped back onto Neil’s plaid clad shoulder, but his roommate didn’t seem to mind, not one bit.
“W-when did you know?” He found himself asking after several minutes.
“That I was gay?” Neil asked
“No, when did you know your eyes were brown?” Todd chuckled sarcastically, rolling his eyes skyward.
Neil pinched his side. “Shut up.”
“I didn’t realise until fairly recently, around October.”
Wow.
“Not that long ago then.” Todd mused quietly. “What made you reali-?”
“What about you? When did you realise?” Neil asked quickly, catching Todd slightly off guard.
“Um- years ago. I was twelve.” He answered honestly, it felt so good to be able to talk about it, at last.
“Twelve??” Neil’s eyes bulged in surprise
“Yeah.” Todd chuckled awkwardly. “At least that’s when I realised I didn’t have much interest in girls. I mean, Jeff used to go on and on about, uh, girls and stuff.”
“Girls and stuff.” Neil teased.
“Shut up. Anyway I just never really saw the appeal, I- I mean they were pretty and all but… I didn’t think about kissing them the way Jeff did, and thats never changed.”
“But you’ve thought about kissing boys though right?” Neil grinned knowingly as Todd felt his cheeks flame up.
“Obviously…” He mumbled.
“Yeah, me too.”
Before Todd could ask “Who have you thought about kissing?” Neil hastily interrupted, again.
“Do you think you’ll ever tell your parents?”
Todd scoffed.
“I don’t even need to think about it, because I’m never gonna tell them. They’d disown me in a heart beat.”
It was brutally blunt, but he knew it was true. They both did.
Neil hummed in agreement. “Yeah, sorry, stupid question. My f-father would go absolutely ballistic, I don’t even want to know what he’d do if he found out.” He muttered sadly. Todd’s heart clenched.
Quick, divert the conversation.
“W-what about the others? the Poets I mean. Do you think they’d be alright with it?” He asked swiftly, trying to eliminate any thoughts of Tom Perry from Neil’s head.
The anxious wrinkle between his roommate’s eyebrows smoothed over at the mention of their friends, but the nervousness in his eyes stayed put.
“I don’t know, to be honest.” He answered slowly.
“I’d like to think they’d be okay with it, I mean, that’s what the Society’s all about right? Going against what’s expected of us and whatnot.”
“Yeah, that’s true.” Todd replied.
“But, I guess we’ll never truly know how they’d react, not until we actually…”
The words ‘tell them’ hung in the air, taunting them, pointing figurative fingers and laughing cruelly at their expense. Todd tried to ignore the pit in his stomach, It was thankfully much easier to do so than before, considering it had shrunk significantly.
No, his fears had not gone away completely, but knowing he wasn’t alone anymore, knowing he had Neil by his side, that was a huge relief on its own, and he liked to think that Neil thought the same way.
“What if we told them together?” He suggested, trying and failing to stifle a yawn.
Wait.
Did I just…
“Todd? Did you just yawn?” Neil asked, staring down at him with an amused smile.
Todd furrowed his brow as finally registered the heaviness in his limbs, and how his eyes were becoming increasingly difficult to keep open, and how Neil’s presence was so-
“Awww Todd! You’re getting sleepy!”
He was right. Todd realised in disbelief that he was on the verge of falling asleep. Not because his body had forced itself to shut down after hours of keeping his eyes closed, but because he was warm, he was comfortable, he was safe.
Wow. He’d missed that.
“Looks like it.” He chuckled, blinking sleepily as he shifted to move away from Neil and make his way to his own bed, he’d kept his roommate awake long enough.
He yelped in surprise when he was instantly yanked back down.
“Neil-“ He made an ‘Oof’ sound when his head collided with Neil’s shoulder once again. “What are you doing?”
“You can sleep here.” Was all he offered as an explanation whilst he readjusted the blankets.
“M-my beds just over there.” Todd protested weakly. Neil started shuffling them backwards until they were leaning against the wall, Todd admittedly did not put up much of a fight.
“Todd, no offence, but your bed is a disgrace right now.” Neil cackled as he pointed to the disarray of clothing scattered across his bed. Todd winced as he remembered his earlier fit of panic, it all seemed so silly now.
“I can just clean it.” He muttered softly, eyes already starting to drift shut.
Neil shook his head firmly. “Nah, that’s too much effort, you’ll be less tired when you’re through with all that, just stay here.”
Todd wasn’t sure how much logic was attached to that statement, but he very quickly found that he didn’t want to move, not at all. Neil’s arm had snaked its way back to its place around Todd’s shoulders, drawing little shapes into his arm with his finger. The sensation only made the pull of sleep harder to resist.
The logical half of his brain knew this wasn’t the best idea. His feelings towards Neil Perry were still daunting as hell. Even if the fear had been dulled slightly by the nights events, he doubted Neil viewed him as anything more than a friend, (he was this affectionate with everyone, wasn’t he?) and Todd definitely wasn’t looking forward to the day where he would eventually snap and blurt out every mushy thought he had ever had about his roommate. Snuggling with him was not going help in the long run.
But, the other tired, gooey half (more like three quarters) of his brain just wanted Todd to get some fucking rest. He’d earned this damnitt, he told the most important person in the world to him all about his draining, soul sucking secret that he was convinced would turn him into a pariah at best. But nothing of the sort had happened, he was wrapped up safely in his best friends arms, protected from the world, and Todd was relishing in it.
Screw it.
The softer side of his psyche won. He squinted up at the clock before finally allowing his eyes fall closed.
3:25. Not half bad.
…
Todd woke up a lot sooner than he’d hoped, but still feeling more rested than he had in weeks. The lack of daylight pouring through the window told him it was still dark outside, and Neil was still absentmindedly making patterns on his arm.
And talking to himself, apparently.
Before his sleepy brain was able to make out what his roommate was saying, he decided to take a quick look at the clock. Through his bleary eyes, he was just able to make out the handles pointing to 4 and 11.
3:55.
It’s only been half an hour?
Todd was just about to shift, to light heartedly scold Neil for still being awake, but his gentle voice suddenly came into focus. Todd listened.
“I never answered your question. Of course we can tell the others together.”
He blinked. Was he talking to him? He must be, there was no one else in the room.
Todd searched the fuzzy haze that was his mind, until he eventually remembered the question he had asked Neil just before he fell asleep.
He had asked him shyly if they could tell the Poets they were gay, together, before he was rudely interrupted by a big yawn.
“It’s a great idea actually,” Neil continued quietly.
“If the worst comes to the worst, we could split together, pack our bags, get on a bus and never look back.”
Oh?
Was Neil saying what he thought he was saying?
“Running away with you would be a dream come true, no Welton, no teachers, no parents. Just me and you, wouldn’t that be nice? Our own little adventure.” Neil mumbled, oblivious to Todd’s face heating significantly.
“Maybe if I work up enough courage, I can tell you all this when you’re actually awake.” He added with a little self deprecating chuckle.
Holy shit.
Neil Perry wanted to run away with him. Neil Perry, the love of his life, wanted to run away with him.
His roommate’s voice became muffled once again as he entertained the thought, butterflies squirming in his stomach. He imagined sitting out in the icy air, packed suitcases by their feet and stall bought hot dogs in hand as they waited for their bus, ready to whisk them away to who knows where. He imagined the two of them checking into a motel, dumping their bags and exploring the world on foot, enjoying lunch in little cafes and visiting as many book stores and museums as they could find. He imagined returning to said motel in the small hours of the morning, only to realise there was only one bed…
No no no. He was getting too ahead of himself.
At the sudden halt of his train of thought, Neil’s voice became clear once again.
“Never mind.”
Huh?
Never mind what? How long had Neil continued talking?
“I’m not gonna say it to you while you’re sleeping, I’m not that much of a coward.”
What the hell does that mean??
Todd’s body must have stiffened, because the gentle movements on his arm stopped completely.
“Y-you are asleep aren’t you…?”
“Yeah.”
Idiot.
Todd realised his mistake when his head rest was violently ripped away, sending his face toppling into Neil’s mattress.
When he sat up again, slightly dazed, Neil was stood by the foot of his bed, eyes wide with embarrassment.
“Y-you were awake?!” He yelled, pointing an accusing finger in Todd’s direction.
“Shhhh Neil!”
Todd’s shushing instantly reminded Neil that it was still the middle of the night. He winced at the volume of his own voice before speaking again, quieter, but frantic.
“How long were you awake??”
Oh God.
“Not that long.” Todd replied sheepishly.
Neil scrubbed a hand over his face, “But long enough.” He began shamelessly pacing up and down the room, from the window and straight to the door over and over, the floorboards squeaking loudly as he went.
“Um…”
Todd’s eyes had started to ache due to following Neil’s rapid foot steps.
“Uhh- I’m sorry, I- uh shouldn’t have pretended to be asleep.” He apologised sincerely
“No, no, no, it’s fine.” Neil’s panicked voice was a clear indicator that it was in fact, not fine, and if he didn’t receive some kind of reassurance right this second, he was going to pace himself straight through the floor.
It was a strange sight, Neil rarely got this worked up over anything.
“Um, I like your idea, running away together, I mean.” Todd spoke genuinely.
Neil paused, spinning around to face him, “Really?”
“Really.”
“Oh, good. That’s really good.”
His shoulders sagged in relief, but there was still fear lingering in his panicked eyes.
He continued talking anyway.
“I mean, running off before we graduate would be a last resort thing obviously, but… after we leave Welton, maybe we could, I don’t know, find an apartment or something, we could…”
“Go on our own little adventure?”
Todd grinned, one of his rare, wide, toothy grins that made his cheeks hurt.
Neil groaned, flopping back onto his bed, face first.
“You heard that too.” His voice was muffled from the cotton.
Todd smiled bashfully. “Yeah. I didn’t hear much after that though, don’t worry.”
Again, only a half lie. While he didn’t technically hear much, what he did hear seemed pretty fucking important. Todd was grateful Neil’s face was smushed into his mattress, he couldn’t detect the mild dishonesty in his face or his voice.
He reached out a hand to awkwardly pat his roommate on the back, some semblance of comfort to soothe his humiliation, all while his puzzling words played over and over again in Todd’s mind.
Never mind, I’m not going to say it to you while you’re sleeping. I’m not that much of a coward.
Having been too distracted to pay attention to the context, Todd had no clue what Neil meant by that, but he decided to put the nagging thought on hold just for the time being, at least until his roommate recovered.
Neil didn’t budge for a moment, until he eventually lifted his head slowly, one brown eye peaking up at Todd.
“What about New York?”
“New York?” Todd tilted his head.
“Mhm, after Welton. We could get one of those fancy studio apartments.”
“Aren’t they really expensive?”
“Let a man dream Anderson.” Neil laughed. He was sitting up fully now, propped up onto his elbows and staring at Todd in a way he could only describe as… wistful.
“You could get in touch with all the best publishers, then the whole world will finally appreciate the art that is Todd Anderson’s poetry.”
“I mean- I wouldn’t call it art-“
“Ah ah ah ah.” Neil pressed a finger to Todd’s lips, putting a stop to his self conscious ramble.
“And I could spend my time going to auditions, getting roles in plays, maybe even a movie one day. Yeah. That’s the dream.”
Todd grinned, gently batting Neil’s hand away. “You’ll be in a lot more than just one movie Neil, I’m sure of it.”
His roommates grin only widened, almost splitting his face in half. “Yeah?”
Todd smiled warmly, “Yeah.”
They held each other’s gaze for a few moments, dark brown eyes fixed firmly onto baby blue ones. The intensity of the moment pierced Todd straight through the heart and into the depths of his soul, he eventually had to drop his eyes to his lap in fear that he would go into cardiac arrest.
So much for getting that well deserved rest, he was definitely wide awake now.
The bed dipped slightly as Neil shuffled back next to Todd. He peered up at the clock. “You weren’t asleep for very long.” He said thoughtfully.
Todd rolled his eyes, “Neither were you, apparently. Did you sleep at all or were you just talking to yourself for half an hour?” He teased lightly.
The colour in Neil’s cheeks dramatically changed to tomato red as he swotted Todd’s shoulder, scoffing indignantly.
“I was asleep actually! Your squirming woke me up!” He laughed.
What.
“…Squirming?” It was Todd’s turn to go beet red.
“Yup.” His roommate cackled, popping the p. “I didn’t realise you were such a wiggler, you kept kicking me.”
You’ve got to be kidding.
“Oh… shit… sorry about that.” Todd grimaced, he was absolutely mortified.
Neil just ruffled his hair. “Nah, it’s fine, it’s how I realised you were awake, you went all still.”
Ah, that makes sense.
“Yeah, well, you woke me up that time.” Todd laughed. “You and your musing.”
Since September, Todd was convinced that if he were to go deaf, Charlie’s loud voice would be to blame. He considered changing his mind on the matter when Neil’s screech of protest all but burst his eardrums.
“I was not musing! I was just- I was just talking to you.”
“While I was sleeping?” Todd giggled, arching a brow.
“While I thought you were sleeping, and… yeah! Running away is, you know, a huge deal, I didn’t wanna scare you off. I was… practicing to ask you about it for real, I guess.” He was smiling, but Todd could easily spy the flicker of anxiety that briefly crossed his features. The thought of the passionate, excitable Neil Perry being nervous and shy made his heart sink a little.
His mind circled back to his roommates final sentence before he realised Todd wasn’t actually asleep.
Never mind, I’m not going to say it to you while you’re sleeping, I’m not that much of a coward.
Again, what on earth did he mean by that? He couldn’t get it out of his head.
“Neil.”
“Yeah?”
Todd hesitated a moment.
“What did you mean earlier?”
“What?” Neil asked, tilting his head, the nervousness quickly returning to his face.
“I’m not going to say it to you while you’re sleeping. I’m not that much of a coward.” Todd quoted confidently. He winced when his roommate began visibly shrinking into the wall.
So unlike Neil.
“….You heard that part too.” He mumbled, sounding utterly defeated.
Todd nodded, “Mhm, I didn’t hear what you said before that though.”
Neil exhaled, in what looked to be relief.
Interesting.
Carefully, Todd laid a hand on top of his shoulder.
“Well, I’m wide awake now, whatever it is you were gonna say, you can say it, if you want.” Todd tried to keep his voice as gentle as possible without revealing too much of his bursting curiosity.
Neil gulped, biting his lip so hard Todd was surprised the skin didn’t break. He squeezed his shoulder.
Finally, after several agonising seconds, Neil turned to him.
“Um, can it wait? Another night maybe? I’ll tell you one day, I promise.”
Todd tried not to sigh.
“Neil… you can tell me anything, you do know that, right?”
Neil opened his mouth to respond, but Todd quickly cut him off.
“I’m serious, Neil, i- it goes both ways. You’re always encouraging me to open up, I mean, you managed to coax one of my biggest secrets out of me in the space of, what, twenty minutes?”
“One of?” Neil raised an eyebrow.
“D-don’t change the subject, anyway, what I’m trying to say is… don’t be a hypocrite, alright? I’m here for you too.”
It felt strange, being the authoritative one all of a sudden, but Todd couldn’t help but feel a small swell of pride when Neil swallowed and firmly nodded his head, allowing his words to sink in.
“Alright…”
Todd waited, waited to see if Neil was willing to say anything else.
Silence.
He sighed.
He wanted nothing more than to push, than to gently squeeze out whatever it was on Neil’s mind. A tiny part of him was slightly annoyed at his roommate’s stubborn crypticness, especially after his insistence that Todd talk about what was bothering him. But an even larger part of Todd noticed the vulnerability in his best friend’s eyes, and considering how late it was and how tired they both were, he decided that it would be best to let it drop, for now.
He would definitely be revisiting this conversation another time though.
“I’m going to go to sleep now.” Todd smiled as he squeezed Neil’s shoulder one last time, before shuffling to the edge of the bed and standing up.
“I’ll keep kicking you if I stay on your bed.” He said before Neil could ask where he was going. “Don’t worry about me, you’ve done more than enough.”
“Are you sure?” Neil asked quietly as Todd began shifting and folding all the clothes from his pillow.
“I’m sure.”
He turned around, smiling sincerely. “Thank you again, seriously, it was really kind of you to stay up with me, I’m sorry we’ll both be tired tomorrow.”
Neil chuckled, shrugging his shoulders. “Eh, it’s not the end of the world, like I said, if we fall asleep in class we’ll-“
“Both get detention together.” Todd finished with a grin.
Neil smiled back, ducking his head slightly as a faint blush grew on his cheeks. The shirt in Todd’s hands was forgotten as his heart burst with fondness for his roommate. He really hoped Neil realised just how much he treasured him, how much he valued his friendship, even if Todd secretly wanted more.
“You’re a really good friend, Neil.” He whispered shyly, turning back to the mess on his bed.
A pause.
“What?”
“Y-you’re a really good friend, Neil.” Todd repeated, assuming Neil hadn’t heard him, and once again pretending the word ‘friend’ didn’t sting a little.
“Oh… um, you’re a really good f-friend too, Todd.”
Another pause.
And another.
And another.
“Ah! Screw it!”
Todd whirled around, startled at the sudden outburst from Neil, who had leapt off his bed and started walking towards him with purpose.
His eyes widened. “Neil what ar-“
He was cut off when his roommate’s toes met his, and sandwiched his face between his slightly chilly hands. Todd gasped as Neil firmly grasped his cheeks, they were so close together now, practically breathing each other’s air as his best friend lightly caressed his cheekbones with his thumbs.
“-W-what are you doing?” Todd finished, pulse rushing, palms beginning to sweat.
Neil swallowed, loosening his grip a little as he inhaled sharply.
“Todd Anderson, I- I…”
His lips kept moving, but nothing came out.
Come on, spit it out Neil.
“I-“
Another breath.
“I love you.”
Oh.
Oh!!
“God, Todd, I love you so much.”
Todd gasped, but Neil continued before he even had the chance to say anything (Not that he had any idea what to say anyway.)
“That’s what I wanted to tell you, I was trying to tell you I loved you but I just couldn’t- I needed you to hear me say it, properly I mean, because, because-“
“You’re not that much of a coward?” Todd quietly supplied, filling the blanks in his head.
“…Exactly.”
Todd’s head was reeling, thoughts racing a thousand miles an hour as he focused on Neil’s cool hands pressed against his warm cheeks. Every worry that had been plaguing his mind for the last few weeks came crashing down, shattering to pieces as Todd felt a small smile tug on his lips.
That smile did not do justice to what he was feeling right now.
Not in the slightest.
“Neil…”
He almost cried out in protest when he felt his roommate remove his hands from his face. Todd gently reached forwards and grabbed them again, holding them in front of both their chests.
He lifted his head, hesitantly inching his face just a little closer to Neil’s, who started doing the same. They only stopped when their noses bumped.
“Can I…” Neil began, still looking slightly unsure.
He didn’t need to finish his sentence, because Todd nodded so enthusiastically his head could have easily detached from his neck.
Neil’s frantic nervousness finally subsided as he grinned and tenderly leaned forwards, capturing Todd’s lips in his.
Todd melted.
He couldn’t help but smile into the kiss as he felt fireworks ignite in his chest, exploding vibrantly around his beating heart. His pulse only got faster as Neil’s hands reached up to cup his face once again, holding him so gently, like he was made of porcelain.
Todd was convinced that this moment would only ever live in his happiest of dreams, he had never been more glad to be proven wrong in his life.
They eventually pulled away after several seconds, only to gasp for air. If they didn’t need oxygen, Todd doubted the kiss would have ever been broken.
His heart skipped a several beats when his eyes fluttered open and looked up at Neil. His cheeks were flushed and his lips were pink and a little swollen, sporting a blinding smile.
“Wow, Todd, if I knew you could kiss like that, I would have plucked up the courage a long time ago.” He joked.
Todd flushed a deep red, but almost sighed in relief when he realised that Neil was back to his old self. He was smiling again, no longer nervous and hiding away.
And he realised, with great happiness, that neither was he.
He wasn’t afraid anymore.
Neil made him brave.
“Neil, I…”
There were so many things he wanted to say, he didn’t know where to start.
He supposed he should start with the obvious.
“I love you too, Neil.”
Neil lit up like the sun, “You do?”
Todd laughed, a little incredulously “Neil, I think I made that pretty clear just then.”
Neil’s smile widened, “I guess you did, come on.”
He tugged Todd by the wrist back to his bed and sat him down, it looked like he wasn’t going to be spending any time in his own bed tonight.
Neil sat down beside him, still gently holding onto his wrist, he soon intertwined their hands.
“So…” He began. “You love me.”
“Yep,” Todd replied with a smile. “And you love me.”
“Oh, absolutely.” His roommate exclaimed enthusiastically, “God, it feels good to say that, I am very much in love with you, Todd Alexander Anderson.”
He grinned as Todd once again turned ruby red.
“H-how long?” Todd asked curiously.
It was Neil’s turn to blush. “Um… since October.”
October.
[When did you know?]
[Fairly recently, around October.]
Todd’s head shot up.
Hang on a minute-
“Neil.. was I the reason you…”
Jesus, how many revelations can I fit into one night?
Neil grimaced slightly, but was suppressing a giggle as the apples of his cheeks flushed even more. “Maybe.”
Todd’s jaw dropped.
“Oh my God!” His voice cracked out of pure shock as he stared at Neil in disbelief. “Really?!”
“Really.” Neil snickered, “Don’t look so surprised Todd, you’re a catch.”
Todd’s cheeks burst into flames.
He really wanted to protest. He would personally argue that his appearance didn’t completely align with what most would view as attractive, but Todd knew Neil well enough to know that any attempt at shutting down a compliment would only result in a tsunami of even more compliments that would undoubtedly turn him into an embarrassed puddle, so he decided to just… not argue.
“Y-you’re one to talk.” He settled for as a response, chuckling as Neil leaned forwards and batted his eyelashes.
“Oh yeah?” He grinned, swishing his hair a little, “Think I’d make a good Benedick?, he’s pretty swoon worthy.”
It was obvious Neil was joking, but Todd happily replied with “Yep, definitely, you could play anyone you set your heart to.” Just to see him flustered.
It worked tremendously. Neil’s faux arrogance disappeared at the drop of a hat as he squirmed a little, a tiny smile on his lips. That alone was enough to make Todd’s heart soar.
“Thanks, Todd.” He blushed, before quickly recovering. “Anyway, enough about me, when did you realise you, you know.”
Todd didn’t need to hear the rest of his sentence to understand what he meant.
Oh, God, here we go.
“Um, not until a little later, it’s only been a few weeks actually.”
Ah yes, when his sleep schedule became royally fucked up.
“That’s when I realised properly anyway, but to be honest… I think I’ve loved you a lot longer than that.”
They both blushed, Neil squeezed his hand.
“That’s nice to know… wait.”
He paused, eyebrows drawn together as his smitten face faded into concern.
“What…?” Todd asked.
“Is that…is that why you were losing sleep? Not just because you’re gay, but because..”
Uh oh.
“Ummm…”
“Oh God, it is isn’t it?”
Neil looked absolutely stricken. Todd quickly reached up a hand to cup his face.
“I- I mean.. yes, but only because I was scared of how you would react! how anybody would react! This isn’t your fault Neil, not at all.” He added quickly, the last thing he wanted was for Neil to start blaming himself, he wouldn’t put it past him.
“Yeah but-“
“Shhhhh.”
When his downcast face didn’t fall, Todd leaned forwards and planted a gentle kiss on Neil’s forehead, closing his eyes as he let himself linger for just a little longer than what was probably necessary. When he pulled away, he was relieved to see Neil smiling again.
“That’s better.” He grinned, brushing a stray piece of hair off his forehead.
“Would it be too much to ask you to do that again?” Neil asked, giggling.
“Hmmm, I can probably do you one better.”
Todd wasn’t sure where the sudden blast of confidence came from, but he didn’t hesitate to swoop in and lock his lips with Neil’s once again, catching him by surprise.
Their second kiss was just as exhilarating as their first. Todd felt like he was flying as Neil fully relaxed against him, weaving a hand softly through his sandy hair.
He could get lost in that feeling forever.
It unfortunately didn’t last as long that time, Neil pulled away first, a fond smile on his lips.
“Todd, as much as I would love to keep kissing you, you really need to get some sleep, more than half an hour this time.” He gestured to the clock. 4:30.
“Damn, you’re right.” Todd mumbled, disappointed.
“Come here.” Neil wrapped his arms around Todd’s body, pulling them both downwards until they were both under the covers, Todd’s head rested comfortably on Neil’s chest.
“Don’t worry about waking me up.” He said before Todd could protest, “To be honest, I think I’ll sleep worse if you’re not here with me, even with all your kicking.”
Todd snorted, “Whatever you say, Neil.”
He looped his arms around his roommate’s waist, squeezing tightly.
“Umm.. Neil?” He asked, just before he drifted off.
“Yes?”
“Do… do you think we’ll be okay?”
Neil waited for him to elaborate.
“I mean, our friends, teachers , our families, life’s gonna be really hard for us.”
Neil tensed slightly.
“Yeah… I know.”
He let himself relax as he squeezed Todd’s hand, “But, we’re together right? You and me against the world. As long as we’re at each other’s sides, I think we’ll always be okay.”
Todd smiled as Neil pressed a kiss to his hair.
“Yeah,” He agreed, nestling into Neil’s chest.
“When I’m with you, the world becomes a much less scarier place.”
He didn’t need to look at Neil to know he was smiling.
Todd tightened his arms around him, the love of his life, and listened to the gentle rhythm of his heartbeat.
He was fast asleep within seconds.