Chapter Text
James - monday, 6th september, 1976, 6th year
Day one. A longer summer than usual, everyone starting on Monday this year instead of the first. Strange, but so is everything in James’ life at the minute, so.
During the summer, Lily made an appearance more often than not, and James has grown very fond of that girl. He used to chase after her so much, but it slowed down towards the end of 4th year, as she was very evidently not interested. He doesn’t think he ever actually liked her, but now… now he does. And he thinks she likes him back.
“Boys, do you think I have a chance with Lily?” James asked casually. The marauders are in their dorm, lazing about on their beds listening to Sirius’ record player. James isn’t entirely sure what’s actually playing.
They’re meant to be unpacking, but have collectively decided they’re too hungry for that, and couldn’t possibly unpack until after dinner.
“Didn’t you kiss over the summer?” Peter questions, looking up from his solitary game of chess.
“No, I wish. I genuinely like her. We both know we’re not soulmates, obviously, we held hands just to double check, but our strings are bright red, and we’re pretty tired of trying to find out.”
“All I’ve heard for the past two months is ‘Lily this, Lily that’ I’m so tired of it. She likes you. Let’s be so for real right now Prongs,” Sirius groans, hiding his face even further in Remus’ chest. Since seeing each other on the train, the pair have been inseparable.
“Bloody hell, this is worse than when you had a fake crush on her!” Remus exclaims.
James’ eyebrows shoot up. “I did have one! I think! And I’m pretty sure I like her this time. You know how it is with me. I never really know. I think I like her romantically. I’m pretty sure.”
A joint sigh echoes through the room, worming its way into James’ head, and remaining there. It tucks itself away in a compartment of his brain that he will access when it’s bad.
“Okay well, I was just wondering if I should ask her out.”
“I don’t care James, do what you want,” Sirius whines, waving James away.
Another thing hidden away in James’ brain.
“Whatever,” he mutters, shuffling out of the room and down to the common room, in search of better company.
~
“Hi James!” Lily jumps out of her seat when she sees him come into the great hall. He sits next to her, smiling so very brightly. It didn’t reach his eyes though.
“Hi Lils!”
“Kiss or stop,” Marlene giggles from beside Lily, peeking her head out to look James in the eyes. She continued to giggle to herself even as she took her next bite.
Lily’s cheeks grow red, matching the shade of James’ string. They start eating, sparking up an easy conversation in which James just kept flustering Lily. He knows he should like this far more, but he can’t find it in him. Throughout, he steals glances over to the Slytherin table, but luckily he never catches a certain Black’s eye.
“So… James… I was wondering, it’s Hogsmeade this weekend, isn’t it?” Lily begins tentatively. James nods. “Do you want to come with me?”
James gasps, but everyone around them shares knowing looks. “Yes!” He nods again, even more enthusiastically, although his eyes still dart towards Regulus, just for a moment.
“Okay! Meet me here at… 11?”
“I’ll see you at 11!”
“I hate this,” Mary whispers to Marlene, earning a violent nod from Sirius as well.
James can feel a twisting sensation in his stomach, it makes him feel sick. He can’t tell why, but it soon turns into a black hole. There is a black hole inside of him, and it seems nothing will fill it. He doesn’t know why. He never does.
“Are you okay?” Remus asks softly, throwing a look over at Lily at the same time. She removes her attention from the conversation with Mary to James.
“I’m fine! Don’t worry about me!” He defended himself quickly, too quickly. He can’t let a stupid black hole ruin his potential relationship.
~
That night, James went to bed without any goodnights. The marauders have a habit of saying goodnight in the most obvious way, everyone knows they do it. But James didn’t have it in him, substituting it for a suffocating evening alone in his bed instead.
He thought about crawling into Sirius’ bed, like old times, but he realised that Remus would be in there. He loves Remus, but sometimes he just wants his best friend, despite the fact that recently he seems to be hurting James more often.
A silencing charm had already been cast around the bed, although James isn’t 100% on how powerful it is, he’s so tired. He’s always so tired. The curtains are drawn, but he isn’t in bed, just sitting cross legged on top of his duvet.
He wants the tears to fall more than ever, but they won’t. He ends up staring at his string for hours, even in the dark he can see the dazzling red colour.
~
Wednesday, september 8th, 1976, 6th year
Full moon. It’s fine, James has done so many of these before. He thought about bailing on it, but he can’t do it to Remus.
“James, you don’t have to do it with us. We know you need the extra sleep, and we know you need to focus in class tomorrow,” Remus insists, after ten minutes of back and forth.
“I want to be there for you!”
“There’s always the next moon! I have Sirius and Peter, it’s honestly fine.”
James huffs, crossing his arms in silent and reluctant agreement. He really doesn’t want to miss it. The black hole gets a little bigger with this decision.
“Anyways! I heard you and Regulus met again over the summer!” Remus changes the subject, trying to avoid talking about the moon again.
“Yeah. Well, he just insulted me. He was cruel. But that’s just who he is. It was okay, sort of awkward, whatever. Why are you asking?”
“Oh, no reason. I’ve never seen you look over to the Slytherin table or anything. I’ve never seen you try to find him when we walk into a room he might be in. No reason at all,” Remus smirks, knowing he has James on this. On what, James is not sure.
He opens and closes his mouth a few times before resolving that it’s probably best to say nothing at all. This is not a fight he is willing to start.
“I’ve met him thrice. Talked to him thrice. He has been nice once. Because I got him a christmas present.”
“Still.”
“He just insults me! And I don’t look over, I just observe the room. There’s a difference. It’s not my fault if he just so happens to be in my line of vision! Besides, I have Lily now,” he explains, his eyes trying to find anywhere else but Remus’ to look.
“Uh huh…” Remus says incredulously, turning his back on James to safely sit down. He’s getting ready for the moon later, and James doesn’t blame him. It’s a lot.
James continues to mutter to himself in his own defense, even though no one is listening. He’s trying to prove it to himself. The black hole does not need to get any bigger.
He walks in circles, running through the outcomes of different decisions, but settles on carrying on. It’s all he can do now, so he stomps down to his first class.
~
Saturday, 11th september, 1976, 6th year
“Should I wear this? Sirius! What do I wear!?” James asks desperately, holding out two different outfit options in front of him.
Sirius is lying on his bed, like always, and lazily looks up to choose one. “They’re both bad. Pick something else. I know you have better clothes!”
“Merlin! Okay, what about…” He spins around and grabs a different shirt. He knows he has better options, but he wants to save them. “...this?”
“Yes! Yes, that’s good! You got it!” Sirius celebrates, rolling off the bed to style James once he puts his clothes on.
He knows how to style people. He knows how to style James, he’s been doing it for him since they became friends. James likes the time it gives them together, and Sirius just likes styling people. He does it for Marlene, Mary, and Lily as well.
James faces the mirror in the bathroom and watches in awe as Sirius does his hair, making it look somewhat restrained? Sirius puts on a small assortment of jewellery, which he only wears on dates. Sometimes, when they’re alone, James will ask for some makeup, but he keeps it to himself today.
“All done! James, you look good!”
“Scale of one to ten?”
“Why…?”
“Just do it Padfoot.”
“Mmm, eight I think.”
James nods slowly, that’s good. Not too high, not too low. Just… good.
“I’ve got to go, it’s almost 11. Wish me luck?”
“Good luck mate, you’ll be fine. It’s Lily!” Sirius shouts, James was already halfway down the stairs. He’s nervous.
~
He spots Lily from across the hall, her hair looking as red as ever, her outfit bringing it out perfectly. He should feel something now, surely? But he doesn’t. He doesn’t feel the amazement and wonder that he should, he just feels… normal. The black hole widens a little bit at this realisation.
“Lily!” He bellows, her head snapping round to look at him. “I’m a bit late, I’m sorry!”
“I thought you stood me up! But you’re James, you would never!”
A twinge of guilt. “No, of course not! You look beautiful!”
He can honestly say that. She does look beautiful, but it just isn’t impacting him the way he knows it should. He would say the same thing with the same earnestness to Sirius, or Remus, or Peter, or Mary, or any of his friends. But he does like her. For sure.
“Thank you! You look handsome!”
“Thanks Lils! Shall we go?” He offers his arm, which she accepts gratefully.
They begin the trek to Hogsmeade, chatting about anything and everything. Well, almost anything, and almost everything. James has a special facade he uses for everyone, and it comes in especially useful in situations like these. He switches it on, and it’s the James everyone knows and loves.
“Should we go to Madam Puddifoot’s?” Lily asks, blush creeping up her neck like it has several times throughout the walk over.
“Sure! How busy do you think it’ll be?”
“I have a reservation…”
“You are a lifesaver , Lily!” He gasps, but his words are empty. Madam Puddifoot’s? The haunt of happy couples?
They push open the door, greeted by a rush of warm air and laughs. It is busy. There is one table free, and James guesses it’s theirs. He looks at all of the couples as they get led to the table, mouth going dry in jealousy. He’s on a date right now, why is he jealous?
“...Thank you!” Lily’s voice fades back in as he comes out of his daze.
James says nothing, waiting for Lily to begin a new discussion. They had been talking for the past hour, and James is getting tired, but the date is only young.
However, Lily stays silent. They look around the room, trying to avoid eye contact. This isn’t right. Why doesn’t James want to say anything?
“What kind of music do you like? I know what Sirius and Remus like, they’re always bloody arguing about it. But what about you?” James had asked Peter for date advice earlier, so he gave James some examples of questions to ask. This was one of them.
“I adore ABBA! James, oh Merlin, I love ABBA! I quite like blondie as well though,” She beams, and James has never seen her look so thankful. “What about you?”
“I love ABBA as well! I think I’ve heard some blondie, but I’m not sure. I like Fleetwood Mac, and I suppose I like Queen and Bowie, but I hear them so much in the dorm I’m sick of them. I like others, obviously, I just can’t think of them right now.”
“Fleetwood Mac! That’s another one I like! James, why didn’t I reciprocate for the last four years?” She laughs, throwing her head back.
James knows he should be delighted by this, but he isn’t. At all. He feels nothing but the expanse of the black hole.
“Oh I don’t know Lily. I tried!” He lets out a meaningless chuckle, trying to match Lily’s energy. He’s having an off day, that’s all. He likes Lily.
“Well, we’re here now. I like you, James. And I think you like me too?” She says hesitantly.
“I do!” He does! Maybe…
“Should we give it a go then?” She reaches her hand out, and James rests his own on top. His eyes land on his string. Red, red, red, black, red, black, black, black, black hole.
“Yeah, I’d like that,” he replies finally, leaving the question open for a few seconds too long.
Lily relaxes, letting out a loud sigh of relief. She leans back in her chair, but keeps her hand where it is. “Hot chocolate then?”
~
The instant James was back in the dorm, he crawled into bed. He knows everyone is going to have a million questions he doesn’t have the answers to. They’re ‘giving it a go’ but what does that even mean? Are they dating? Are they going out? Are they seeing where it goes?
“James! There you are! You ran away, you git. How was it?” Sirius scuttles towards James, getting into bed with him.
“It was nice!” He lied through his teeth. “We went to Madam Puddifoot’s!” He wanted to run away. “We kissed!” There was no spark. “I really like her!” He does.
“You kissed?!” Sirius bolted upright, eyes wide in shock. “You and Lily Evans, whom you have been after for four years, kissed?!”
James nodded, slightly embarrassed with how excited Sirius seemed to be. There was a smile on his face, but he’s unsure how real it is. He is happy that they kissed. It’s what he wanted. She likes him .
“Tell me everything.” He insisted, moving closer to James, clutching a pillow around his chest. And so he did.
James told Sirius everything that happened. He did not tell Sirius everything that he felt.
~
Sunday, 12th september, 1976, 6th year
“I’m heading to the library! I’ll be back for dinner!” James hollers up the stairs, slinging his bag over his shoulder, mentally preparing for how annoying his friends will be about this.
He doesn’t know what happened for this all to start up again, he was so good for months. He hasn’t been to the library to research his string since November last year. That’s almost 12 months! And now, things are good. Or they should be, as he’s doing it again.
“To study for exams right?” Remus shouts back.
“Yes sir!” He lies. All he does is lie.
James arrives at the library in no time; he didn’t bump into anyone on his way down, so no pointless small talk to get roped into. He also doesn’t particularly want to talk to Lily, so he chose a table tucked away in a corner, different from his usual open desk.
With that, his routine of string research begins again, as if no time had lapsed at all.
“Hey James!” Lily sits down in front of him. She’s great but… really invites herself to things. “I was looking for you for ages! It’s almost 2, do you want anything from the kitchens? I didn’t see you at lunch.”
“I’m okay Lils, it’s good to see you.”
“Suit yourself. Did you have a nice time yesterday? Again, I tried to find you but you ran off,” she asks, eyes trying to read his expression.
“I did! Sorry, I’m just really tired recently, I don’t know why. What about you?”
“I had a great time! But I wanted to ask… Do you want to be my boyfriend? Mary told me I really ought to ask you, then gave me a list of ways to ask. I wasn’t really listening though. I also don’t know how to ask people out. Am I doing it right?” She blurts out, words stumbling over each other.
James is taken aback. In fairness, he did think this question was coming. “Lily! You did fine! And yes, I’d love to. Would you like to be my girlfriend?”
“Yes! James, I was so nervous! I feel like all I am is nervous around you!” She smiles, then realises what she said. “But in a good way, of course! A good nervous! Butterflies and that, you know?”
“I know, Lils. I do have to say this, and I don’t know if you know already, but I’m bipolar. Type 2. It just means I-” he thinks back to Remus’ perfect explanation. “Bipolar 2 is a chronic disorder that’s also episodic. It occurs at irregular intervals. It can cause instability in my mood mainly, but also my concentration, sleep, and energy. I have depressive and hypomanic episodes, as well as mixed, but I’ve only ever had one very minor mixed episode. When I’m hypomanic, I get so happy! But it usually shifts to euphoria, irritation, and all of that. It’s basically way too much of a good thing. When I’m depressive, the depression is an amplification of the sadness everyone has. I feel like I’m in a pit, and I can’t do anything. I can’t function. Mixed episodes… well they’re a combination of both. It’s the depression but with high energy of mania. It’s not fun. And day to day, the highs are high and the lows are low. Everything is severe with me. I take meds though. They don’t stop the episodes.”
James stays silent for a moment in order to let Lily process it all. It’s a lot, and he knows it. He would completely understand if Lily just ran away, and never spoke to him again. Or if she doesn’t want to date him anymore.
“Is that okay? Do you have any questions?”
“James- that’s a lot. I’m sorry. It’s okay, it doesn’t change anything, I’m just- scared a little bit. I do have some questions if that’s alright?”
Scared? She’s scared? That’s so much worse. “I wouldn’t have asked if it wasn’t alright,” he tried to comfort her.
“Okay, so. That was a lot first of all, as I said. Second, how will I know you’re in an episode?”
“You’ll probably be able to tell, especially now we’re dating. Before, we never really saw each other too much, and the marauders are really good at excuses. But if you can’t tell, the marauders will tell you. If I want them to, of course,” he adds the last statement far quieter, almost as if he didn’t really want to tell her that.
“Cool! Can I help you?”
“Sometimes. It depends, it really does. I think it just takes experience. You’ll get the… hang of it?”
Lily laughs. It comes so easy to her, even when dealing with a topic like this. He won’t tell her about his hypomanic scare last year, or his obsession with his string, and how it’s coming back. He won’t tell her how he feels, truly. He won’t tell anyone that.
The questions continue, and James continues answering them, as truthfully as possible. The black hole remains the same size, but it hurts. It burned a lot.
~
Monday, 13th september, 1976, 6th year
“Are you getting out of bed James?” Peter examines James’ face, looking for a sign of life.
“Not today Wormy. Don’t feel well. Didn’t even go on my run this morning, can you believe that?” He chuckles, trying to bring a bit of light to the day. It was looking dark so far.
“I can honestly say, no, I don’t believe that. But alright man, hope you feel better. See you tonight?”
“Yeah, course mate.”
~
Sunday, 26th september, 1976, 6th year
James isn’t depressed. His life is actually going pretty well. If you don’t count the lies, the black hole, or his relapse in obsession over his string.
He’s dating Lily, and things are going well. She doesn’t suspect anything, and neither do his friends. None of them know about his insane research. None of them know anything.
He continues his life, he goes to class, he goes out with Lily, he goes out with his friends. It just doesn’t seem… real.
~
October, 1976, 6th year
~
November, 1976, 6th year
~
December, 1976, 6th year
Christmas. It wasn’t as good as last year.
New years. Him and Lily kissed at midnight.
~
January, 1977, 6th year
His friends know about the string again.
~
February, 1977, 6th year
~
Sunday, 27th march, 1977, 6th year
It’s James’ 17th birthday.
“Your life has been way too boring recently, and all you do is bloody research. We have tried and tried to get you to stop, but you haven’t. So, we’re forcing you! Happy birthday! We’re throwing you a party,” Sirius drags James out of the library.
“Why can’t you just let me live my life? I have a girlfriend, things are going great, I go to class, I do everything. It’s just this one little thing!” It’s not just this one little thing. But that’s all they know about, so that’s what James will say.
“Whatever, don’t wanna hear it. Party! Look hot,” he glares at James, squinting his eyes in mock threat.
~
The party is in full swing, and even though he’s been dating Lily for five months or so, he still finds himself looking around for Regulus. But he’s not here, it’s a Gryffindor only party.
Lily walks over, and asks James to dance, and so he does. He can feel the pleasant buzz of the alcohol, which counters the un pleasant hum of the black hole. James just wants to get hammered, and forget about everything ever.
He stumbles over to where Sirius and Remus are standing, but they don’t notice. “...He just seems different. I don’t know how, he’s the same as always, but different. I’m worried for him, Moony.”
“I know, love. We can’t do anything though- hi James!”
“Hey guys. I love you, you know?”
“We love you too.”
“Bye!” He bounces over to the corridor, trying to think about what was just said. He knows it’s about him, but that’s about it. He’s too drunk for this.
They’ve tried. The marauders, they’ve really tried. Quidditch, this party, other house parties that he rarely attends. Nothing works. James is fine, honestly. There’s just a gaping black hole in his stomach and chest! Absolutely nothing to worry about! His life is fine. He is fine.