Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

⪻∞✴❂☽∞⪼

It’s funny that, in the end, it was when they stopped sleeping together that Jimin had realised he was in love with Jungkook. Because he truly hadn’t thought that he was before that point. He knew he liked him, knew he was a little infatuated– knew that he probably could fall in love with him even– but he didn’t think he already was. Not until he didn’t have him anymore.

If he’d struggled with his feelings before they were on the project together, it turned out that was nothing compared to the torture of working with Jungkook every day.

Because Jungkook is brilliant. He's funny and smart and beautifully irreverent. He makes stupid engineering puns and his goofy ass laugh fills up the quiet lab with joy and does endless damage to Jimin's traitorous heart. He’s a credit to the project, he’s diligent and also totally right that their different ways of working compliment each other.

Jimin thinks he might well be a genius.

He’d quickly found out that it was a special kind of unbearable to see Jungkook every day but no longer have all the little things between them that he’d taken for granted before.

He missed him. He missed Jungkook sitting in his office with his feet on Jimin’s desk (just to annoy him), whining about something or other, or him starting an argument over some minor principle only to grin when Jimin pretended to be annoyed.

He missed Jungkook turning up on his doorstep with that same stupid smile on his face, the one that said he was waiting for Jimin to scold him and that he was going to enjoy it.

Jimin misses the feel of his warm hands on his skin. Or how Jungkook kissed in such a way that Jimin could imagine for a moment what it would feel like to be adored by somebody.

And Jimin is stupidly in love with him.

And that hurts.

It had hurt when he finally had to admit to himself that he was holding on for no good reason. It hurt when he finished things and had to grieve for something he never truly had. It hurt trying to put a space between them that he didn't really want, just to try and breathe.

It hurt most of all to listen to Jungkook say those horrible things about him and wonder just how long they'd been there on the tip of his tongue. How long had Jungkook been fucking him because it was easy, while thinking that Jimin was a privileged wanker that made a habit of sleeping with his students?

That one is going to hurt for a long time. He can't even begin to untangle the dark roads that leads him down.

Jimin knows he hasn't been very professional either, not since Jungkook took the job on his team. He'd been stupid to think he could just shove everything he felt under the carpet and expect them both to manage to ignore it. He's always been like that, he ran from any unwieldy emotional thing he couldn't control.

And now it’s all gone so badly wrong that they're not even talking.

Right now they're sitting on a plane, flying to the Netherlands on a work trip, and they're not talking.

They barely talked all the way through the airport, in fact they didn’t even acknowledge each other until they were boarding, even though Jimin had seen Jungkook just ahead of him going through customs. But there was no getting around the fact that their booking had them stuck sitting next to each other.

Jungkook is leaning against the window watching the city lights shrink away, his hood up and headphones on.

Jimin sighs.

At least the flight is only an hour long.

It’s the next three days that will be the true nightmare.

⪻∞✴❂☽∞⪼

Jimin looks down at the car keys in his palm. It’s starting to rain and it’s only adding to the dread he feels about driving across a foreign country when he isn’t used to driving on the right hand side of the road. He learned to drive in the UK and just never seems to end up driving much when he travels, not even when he goes back home, so he isn't used to it.

‘You want me to drive?’

He looks over his shoulder at Jungkook standing just behind him.

‘No, it’s okay, the car hire is in my name…’

‘Have you driven on this side before?’ Jungkook steps forward. ‘I can do it, I have an international licence. And I’m used to driving this way.’

‘Yeah, but the paperwork…you’re not insured on it.’

‘I’m sure they’ll let us swap it. I have all my documents on me.’

‘They’ll probably charge us…but would you really not mind?’

Jungkook shakes his head. ‘I like driving.’

Jimin knows they made the right choice as they join the traffic creeping out of the airport complex and the rain really starts coming down. He’d definitely be panicking, probably huddled over the steering wheel and driving at a snail's pace, but Jungkook seems relaxed. Like he’s enjoying it even.

‘All okay?’ Jimin asks and Jungkook just nods.

It’s pretty awkward. They still haven’t talked at all unless it’s completely functional. That exchange over the hire car was probably their record in the last two weeks.

But, however mad at him he is on the surface, Jimin is feeling obligated to make sure Jungkook is okay, given that he’s done him a huge favour by taking on the driving.

‘There’s a seat heater. Do you want yours on?’

‘I’m fine.’

‘Music?’

‘Sure. You pick, I don’t mind.’

Jimin hates being told to pick the music. He thumbs through his spotify feeling stupidly paralysed by the anxiety of choosing something.

‘Just put your liked songs on,’ Jungkook doesn’t look away from the road but he smiles softly. ‘I like how chaotic they are.’

‘Chaotic?’

‘You taste in music is pretty varied,’ he shrugs. ‘Just go for it. I’m not going to judge you.’

‘I just like random things when I hear them so I don’t forget…’

‘I know,’ Jungkook nods, then gestures at Jimin’s phone. ‘Play it. Let me hear if you've added anything new.’

The moment he says that the smile goes stiff on his face. Jimin freezes too, the silence in the car suddenly feels deafeningly loud.

Jungkook's words immediately made him think of the last time they would've listened to his liked songs together. It's always what Jimin ends up putting on as background noise, a habit Jungkook clearly not only knew of but remembered.

Were there any news songs on there that had been added since they were last like that together?

It's a benign thing to feel so awkwardly intimate about. And maybe Jimin's over thinking things, but when he glances to the side Jungkook is doing that thing with his jaw and his knuckles are tight on the steering wheel.

Then the bluetooth kicks in and the music starts and Jimin leans back and stares out of the window.

Luckily it's only about a half an hour drive to their hotel in the centre of Eindhoven. They could easily have gotten a train from the airport but the car was needed for the visits over the next few days. Or it made it easier, anyway.

The rest of the drive goes smoothly, despite the rain, and Jungkook soon manoeuvres them into the little hotel parking lot.

‘You should–’ Jimin cuts himself off.

‘What?’

‘No, nothing.’

‘Spit it out.’

‘You should use the mirrors too. Not just the camera thing.’ He gestures at the parking camera.

He wouldn’t normally say anything but it’s a hired car and he’s heard horror stories of being overcharged for even the slightest scratch.

Jungkook fully stops the car part way into the parking space and looks at him in disbelief.

‘Are you kidding me?’

‘Well–’

‘You’re correcting my driving right now?’

‘No, sorry…’

‘When you didn’t even want to drive out of the airport? Unbelievable.’

Jimin just looks away, but when he catches sight of Jungkook in the side mirror he sees the half smile on his face.

Once Jungkook has parked (having very deliberately used only the parking camera) they grab their bags and trudge across the wet car park to the hotel.

‘And then there was only one bed…’ Jungkook murmurs, while they wait for the receptionist to check them in.

‘Huh?’

‘Nothing.’

‘Oh, ha, yeah…I got you.’

They look at each other awkwardly. Then away again.

The receptionist takes that moment to place two key cards on the front desk.

‘Rooms 211 and 212.’

‘That’s great, thank you.’

They take the lift, still in silence. Jimin practically bursts out of it when the doors ping open, heading up the corridor, reading the numbers on the doors until they get to theirs.

‘Right then, this is me.’

‘Yeah.’

‘Night then.’

‘Night.’

Once the door slams behind him, Jimin drops his bag on the floor at the foot of the bed and lets himself fall face first into the sheets.

⪻∞✴❂☽∞⪼

The next morning they drive out of the city to one of the small factories where they’re meeting some suppliers. The rain has stopped, but it’s grey and dull and the atmosphere between the two of them is just as dire.

Instead of going down to the hotel restaurant that morning Jimin had suffered through an entirely unsatisfying breakfast of packaged hotel biscuits and a cup of tea. He hadn't wanted to risk seeing Jungkook and having to decide whether to ignore him or sit with him in more horrible silence, but he’s already regretting the choice to sacrifice proper coffee.

When they get to the factory they’re greeted enthusiastically by their contact, Herman, who ushers them inside excitedly.

Herman kind of ends up saving the day. He’s happy to have them there, incredibly knowledgeable about what he does and genuinely excited about the project– and his good mood is infectious.

He starts the day by leading them around a little display in the public entrance of the factory that shows off all of their products that have gone to market. By the time they stop for lunch, quite a lot of the awkwardness has melted away.

Herman is clearly very taken by Jungkook, which isn't a huge surprise. They have a similar kind of energy and Jungkook is obviously very enthusiastic about what they do and that seems to please the older engineer. The two of them have been feeding off of each other, talking in minute details about very specific aspects of what they're doing that even Jimin knows he barely needs to keep up with.

But it's been nice though, to pretend for a moment that the good atmosphere extends between them all and that the laughs and smiles pass between he and Jungkook too.

‘I will let you off the hook this evening because of your early start tomorrow,’ Herman smiles, as they all stand in the parking lot saying goodnight, ‘but we will be going out for drinks tomorrow night. I will be offended if you refuse us!’

He points his finger between them in a warning.

‘We will. Of course we will.’ Jimin nods at him.

‘And you should invite colleagues from the university,’ Herman adds, ‘I am sure they will also know how to have a good time.’

‘We’ll ask them.’

‘And we’re looking forward to you showing us your city.’ Jungkook smiles.

‘Excellent! Drive safe then boys. See you tomorrow.’

There are several more rounds of handshakes and small bows before they climb into the car. The temperature has dropped and Jimin turns up the dial on Jungkook's seat heater without even asking him.

‘He was really nice.’

‘He was, wasn't he?’ Jimin can't help but smile across the console. ‘I feel like that went really well.’

‘Me too. I was very impressed with where they are with things.’

‘You were happy with the set-up?’

‘I was. It was really good to see it at this stage, I know it's a fair amount of time until we might be ready to send something to them but it's very good for me to be working with them already. We can line up some of the audits from now on really, it was good! I'm actually feeling enthusiastic!’

‘Good.’ Jimin turns back to look out of the window. ‘Me too.’

He doesn’t mean to fall asleep, but the next thing he’s aware of is blinking his eyes open to a gentle hand on his shoulder. Jimin jumps, startling awake, to find Jungkook standing in the open door of the car.

‘Sorry to wake you. We’re back at the hotel.’

‘Oh…I fell asleep. I’m sorry.’

‘Don’t be.’

Jimin can’t shake off the sleepiness all the way up to their rooms. He’s grateful that they kept the evening free, seeing as they need to be up early for their schedule at the university tomorrow which starts at eight AM.

If Jungkook was excited about the tour of the factory today, tomorrow is Jimin’s day because they’re visiting the university to have a look around their optical transmission lab. They’re meeting early so that they can be shown some of the equipment before they get busy for the day.

‘Jimin?’

‘Hm?’ He lifts his head to find Jungkook looking at him across the elevator.

‘I’m going to go to breakfast at six,’ he says. ‘It doesn’t take me long though. I’ll have finished by six-thirty.’

‘Okay…’

‘Just…if you wanted to go there alone. You could go then, before meeting me at seven.’

‘Jungkook–’

‘It’s fine. I get it. It’s awkward as fuck, isn’t it?’ He smiles. ‘But you need to eat properly, get a good breakfast. You can’t live on those crappy hotel biscuits. So, you go at six-thirty okay?’

‘Okay.’

‘And eat something proper tonight too!’

He doesn’t wait for an answer. The doors to the elevator ping open and Jungkook disappears through them with a wave.

⪻∞✴❂☽∞⪼

Jimin loves the university just like he knew he would. It's amazing to see a lab set up like theirs but larger and more established. They're shown around by two academics who work at the institute and it's also nice that they're equally as excited about Jimin and Jungkook's work in return.

They also agree to join them later for the drinks that Herman is insisting on.

Afterward, he and Jungkook drive back to the hotel to leave the car there because it’s only a short walk to where they’re all meeting. They still have a few hours until dinner and Jimin kind of hopes he can squeeze in a nap. It hasn't been a particularly long day, but they've talked a lot and that always makes him feel a bit drained, particularly if he's also going to need to be in a sociable mood for the evening.

He tries desperately not to fall asleep in the car back to the hotel again. He keeps shifting in his seat and blinking to stave it off. At one point Jungkook huffs as if he's amused and looks like he's going to say something– but he doesn't.

Once he's parked, Jungkook stays in his seat. He bites his lip.

‘Jimin?’

‘Yeah?’ He pauses, one hand on the door handle.

‘I’m sorry about what I said that night.’

Jimin just glares at him, they’ve already been through this.

‘You've already apologised. Several times.’

‘I know.’

‘So, what else do you want me to say?’

Jungkook is still looking out of the window, out across the parking lot.

‘You don't need to say anything.’ He shrugs. ‘I just…’

Jimin accepted his apology, as far as that goes. Or that's what he's said anyway, it doesn't really feel resolved to him. But what resolution can they come to when they're operating from such different places? Jimin's resolution is only going to come with time, he knows that.

‘I apologised to Thomas too–’

‘You did what?’ Jimin rounds on him in a panic.

Obviously, there's never been anything inappropriate at all between him and Thomas. The last thing he needs is Jungkook and his big mouth saying something and making the poor boy feel awkward.

‘I talked to him–’

‘Are you kidding me? What did you say?’

‘Calm down! I didn’t mention anything specific obviously.’ Jungkook frowns. ‘But I saw him in the dining hall. I just said I was sorry that he saw me drunk like that, and I was sorry if I seemed a little off. I was just having a bad night.’

‘Oh, right.’

‘He didn’t seem to mind,’ Jungkook adds. ‘I don’t think he really even noticed anything was going on between us.’

‘He didn’t.’

‘He seems like a sweet kid.’

‘He is.’

‘Bit posh. But harmless.’

‘Right.’

‘Well, that was it. And that I’m sorry.’

‘I know. It's water under the bridge now, isn't it?’

Jungkook finally looks at him, he smiles that half smile of his that says he knows that's bullshit.

‘As long as you also know that I don't think those things about you.’

‘So you've said.’

‘I was just being a dickhead because I was drunk. And jealous.’

‘And that makes it better?’

Shamefully it would make it better if it was the right kind of jealousy, rather than what Jimin knows was actually just Jungkook being a brat about being rejected.

‘No, I know it doesn't.’ Jungkook sighs.

‘Okay.’

It doesn't feel like any water has passed under the bridge, it feels like the river is about to burst its banks and flood everywhere. But Jimin has no idea how to fix that.

Jungkook just nods and climbs out of the car.

⪻∞✴❂☽∞⪼

The night out quickly escalates. Dinner is accompanied by wine, which turns into drinks, which then turns into going to a bar, and now all of them are pretty drunk.

But it's nice, the atmosphere is good, the guys they've met are fun. Herman seems on an absolute mission to make a mess of them but nobody is putting up much of a fight. Jimin is tucked into the corner of a booth, trying not to stare too much at the sight of Jungkook across the table laughing wildly.

Every now and then they make eye contact and it always lingers for just a second too long.

‘More drinks!’ Herman suddenly declares.

He gets to his feet and grabs Jungkook, tugging him up from the table, apparently to help carry over drinks from the bar. Jimin smiles at them as they leave.

Jungkook has left his phone on the table and Jimin’s eyes fall on it when the screen lights up. It isn’t even locked, Herman had manhandled Jungkook without giving him much chance to argue, or lock his phone apparently. Which is why Jimin is able to watch as the little icon for grindr pings across his screen. It goes off four times in a row and Jimin knows that means Jungkook has just gotten a bunch of taps because he’d recently gone online, because that’s always what happens, especially somewhere busy like this. Jungkook must’ve literally been sitting there at the table scrolling through it.

And that honestly sucks.

It isn’t as if it’s totally unexpected, or as if Jimin doesn't know that Jungkook sleeps with other people and that he obviously will have in the months since they stopped. Jimin knows that he probably did even when they were still seeing each other. He’d never wanted to know and never asked.

But it sucks in a whole new kind of way to be with him in a bar and realising Jungkook is actively looking for somebody right now.

Jimin looks around at all the potential men that could be messaging him. His eyes fall on Jungkook, thankfully he's still laughing at the bar with Herman’s arm slung over his shoulder and not having already slipped away to meet somebody.

The thought makes Jimin’s skin crawl. That he’s going to have to watch from the side-lines; going to watch Jungkook open his phone and that little smile play on his lips, or that he’s going to know what it means when Jungkook makes some excuse to slip or way, or doesn’t come back to the hotel with him.

He stares at Jungkook's phone, the screen dark now.

‘Excuse me.’ He pushes himself up from the table and slides out of the booth.

One of the guys from the university gets up to let him pass.

‘Okay?’ He asks.

‘Bathroom.’

The other’s nod and Jimin vanishes into the crowd.

He just needs a moment to breathe.

It’s stupid, but once he’s locked in one of the stalls he opens grindr himself. The signal is bad and it’s slow to load, the little square icons popping up one by one.

He has no idea what he hopes to achieve. Perhaps he can play a twisted little game in which he guesses what man might end up in Jungkook’s bed. Or maybe they won’t even get that far, maybe if Jimin lingers here long enough he’ll hear them in the next stall.

‘Not you,’ he murmurs, clicking on the profile of a small guy with long hair. ‘Or you. Maybe you, or…’

And then there's Jungkook's profile.

Jimin stares at the tiny little square.

He clicks on it impulsively.

Then he sends a tap.

He laughs to himself, finding a grim sense of satisfaction in Jungkook knowing that he knows. Before he thinks it through, Jimin has started typing.

If Jungkook wants to fuck a stranger, he can.

J: want to meet?

J: I have a hotel, I can host

Before he leaves the bathroom he takes a moment to freshen up in the mirror, clawing his hair back off his slightly sweaty forehead and doing what he can with his face with a damp paper towel.

When he gets to their table Jungkook and Herman are also back from the bar, there’s a fresh drink waiting for Jimin, and Jungkook is staring at him with an unreadable face. Jimin quite deliberately doesn’t meet his eyes.

But he does pull his phone out when he feels it vibrate a while later and when he opens grindr he sees new notifications from ‘JK’.

JK: was that a mistake?

JK: or a shit joke?

J: sorry?

J: are you in bobbys? I'll be on the dancefloor, in the green sweater

J: come say hi

He doesn't wait for an answer, just pockets his phone and excuses himself from the table again. Herman and the others are engrossed in a drunken debate and barely acknowledge him leaving.

Jimin is dying to know the look on Jungkook's face, he can feel his eyes on him, but he doesn't look back. He simply walks away and starts pushing his way through the crowd to the small dance floor at the back of the bar. Dancing is perhaps a slightly grand word, most people are just swaying in groups, drinks still in their hands, as they talk over the music. But a handful of people are dancing with a bit more enthusiasm.

Jimin pushes his way to the edge and then waits there, his heart beating in his throat, decidedly not looking back at their table. He takes a sip of his drink and moves gently to the music, trying not to feel like an idiot, or let himself back out of what is clearly a terrible, terrible idea.

If Jungkook doesn't follow him over here Jimin doesn't know what he'll do. It would be humiliating.

The thought of it makes him want to run.

But then there's a hand on the small of his back– just lightly– and a voice over his shoulder, so close he feels their breath against his ear.

‘Jimin? What're you doing–’

‘No.’ Jimin turns around. ‘No names.’

‘What?’

‘I don't give out my name.’

Jungkook stares at him. He’s moved his hand to Jimin's hip, but his fingers are scrunched into his sweater as though he didn't quite want to touch his flesh.

‘We’re really doing it like that, huh?’

‘No names.’ Jimin repeats. ‘So, are you interested?’

Jungkook stares at him. Then he steps forward, pulling Jimin closer.

‘Yes.’

Jimin grins at his answer, happy that Jungkook will play along with his little game. He creeps a hand up to Jungkook's shoulder, slides his fingers around the side of his neck, leans closer until their bodies touch.

He can't quite believe he's doing this, but fuck it feels so good already. Jungkook is still looking a little uncertain, as if he's cornered and doesn't quite understand, but his warm hand has snaked all the way around Jimin's body. It feels good there, familiar and comforting in a way that is actually a little terrifying. Jimin has missed this, he's missed him, but he shoves those thoughts away– this is just about scratching an itch. He can allow himself one stupid, fun night that he can leave behind him and forget about when they fly home.

‘We can go back to my hotel,’ he breathes into Jungkook’s ear. ‘I was here with a colleague but I’m sure he won’t care.’

‘Oh, he won’t?’

‘No. He’s probably off fucking some slut in the bathrooms.’

‘Seems a bit harsh,’ Jungkook laughs softly.

‘You haven’t met him.’

‘I meant harsh on the slut.’

Jimin just laughs into Jungkook’s neck. They’re talking shit but he doesn’t care, not when he’s got his fingers tangled into the back of Jungkook’s hair and his arms are around him and it feels so unbelievably good.

‘So, do you want to come to my hotel with me?’

Jimin lifts his head and Jungkook just nods, still looking kind of uncertain.

They make their excuses back at the table where the others seem to be calling it a night too. There’s plenty of hugging and protracted drunken goodbyes and Jungkook keeps darting his eyes across at Jimin as if he's a flight risk.

Which he is. Him having the guts to see this through feels very dependent on not having a chance to think about it too deeply.

Because it's stupid, truly stupid, but he wants Jungkook so much. God he really wants him, he's spent months wanting him. Right now while he's drunk and riding some sort of wave of impulsivity Jimin can tell himself that the pain of opening all those old wounds will be worth it. Because at the mere promise of Jungkook's touch he's already burning.

As they stand outside on the sidewalk and wave the others into their taxi, Jungkook keeps looking at him with a tiny frown, then looking away.

Jimin bounces on the balls of his feet.

And then all at once they’re alone on the curb and Jungkook is right there. One of his hands traces Jimin's jaw, the other around his ribs, and he's staring at him with those beautiful eyes and Jimin can feel his breath on his lips.

Jungkook looks at him, trails his thumb across Jimin's cheek.

‘I, uh…’

He never finishes that sentence. Instead he leans forward, closing the tiny space between them.

And something inside Jimin screams.

Because every little part of his body anticipates Jungkook's kiss, he wants to drown in it. And him. But he'll never survive if he does.

He shoves him backwards and Jungkook stumbles away blinking in confusion.

‘No kissing!’

‘What?’

‘I don’t kiss hook-ups.’

‘Jimin, we've kissed a hundred times, be serious!’

‘No names!’ He snaps. ‘And no kissing. Take it or leave it.’

Jungkook’s stares, mouth a little open.

If Jimin wants this game to work he's clearly going to have to be the one to drive it, he needs to keep control of things and keep them on safer ground.

He steps forward and pulls Jungkook closer by his shirt, then lightly, lightly drags his lips up Jungkook's throat.

‘Don’t worry, I have much better things you could be doing with your mouth.’ He whispers into his skin.

Jungkook just huffs but he doesn't argue.

It’s only a five minute walk back to their hotel. They don’t talk the entire way. Jimin stays half a pace ahead, afraid that if he looks to the side and finds Jungkook looking back at him he might lose his nerve. When they get back, they go to Jimin's room.

Both of them are still quiet.

Jimin puts the lamp on, then takes a deep breath before he turns around and climbs onto the bed on his knees. Jungkook has kicked his shoes off and now he's just standing there at the foot of the bed, staring at him. He looks a little like he wants to say something but he doesn't. He just watches as Jimin pulls his shirt off and throws it to the side. He keeps his eyes on Jungkook suggestively, trying to tease, then shuffles to the foot of the bed, looking up at Jungkook as he traces his fingers over the buckle of his belt.

‘Need me to get you started?’

Jungkook nods, a little dazed looking.

Jimin looks up at him with his head tilted just so, through his lashes, he spreads his fingers over the front of Jungkook's jeans. Massages the slight bulge there, never breaking eye contact.

This quietness between them is a little awkward. Though the tension is there, palpable and taut, it’s more awkward than sex has ever been for them. There's no sign of the usual smirk on Jungkook's lips.

But then it's been a while and this time they're playing a game.

Jungkook lifts his hand, then hesitates.

‘Can I?’ His fingers hover over Jimin's head.

Jimin nods and Jungkook tangles his fingers into his hair.

‘Make it sting,’ Jimin grins.

He undoes Jungkook's fly, tugs his pants down a little to pull out his cock. He strokes the length a few times then leans closer, looks up once, licks his lips. Then takes him into his mouth.

It takes a bit of time for Jungkook to get fully hard. He's made Jungkook hard just by talking in the past, or had him whining and leaking just from a kiss.

But then tonight he has had a lot to drink.

Jimin sinks his mouth all the way to the base of Jungkook's cock. His eyes flutter shut as he enjoys the burn of it and the way Jungkook's fingers tighten in his hair as he finally rocks his hips a little, thrusting shallowly into the flesh of his throat until Jimin splutters and pulls back.

When he looks up after catching his breath Jungkook has closed his eyes.

‘You’re going to fuck me, right?’ Jimin asks and Jungkook looks down at him.

‘You want me to?’

‘Want you to ruin me.’

Jimin gets to his feet and kicks his pants off, then climbs back onto the bed.

‘I’ll get myself ready. Here.’ He grabs a condom and throws the packet across to where Jungkook still stands.

‘Why are you giving me that?’

‘Put it on, obviously.’

‘But we don’t use condoms?’

‘Who is we? You think I’m going to fuck a stranger without one? Put it on.’

‘Aren’t you taking this role play a little far? We don’t usually–’

‘If you don’t want to wear it then don’t.’ Jimin grins, laying back and spreading his legs on the bed. ‘But we’re not fucking without it.’

Jungkook just keeps staring, blinking at Jimin like he’s struggling to keep up.

‘I’ll wear it…’

‘Good boy,’ Jimin laughs. ‘Now, no more talking.’

Jimin lays back in the sheets and grabs the lube he'd pulled from his bag with the condoms. He isn't really sure why he brought them. He doesn't want to consider that maybe he hoped they'd end up like this, or at least he knew there was a chance they would.

He shuts his eyes, lifts one of his legs up and holds it there, reaching down with his other hand to circle at his hole.

He wonders if Jungkook is watching him.

There's an odd feeling in his belly. The atmosphere doesn't feel quite like it did in that first moment, back in the bar, when he felt alight at the anticipated touch of Jungkook's hands. But Jimin knows him. If he pushes hard enough Jungkook will snap and then both of them will get what they want.

And maybe Jimin is taking a little bit of twisted satisfaction in making Jungkook realise all the things he took for granted before, all the intimacies they shared that he took from Jimin so greedily and thought nothing of.

‘I’ll do it.’

Jimin opens his eyes. Jungkook is hovering above him, propped up on one arm. He runs his other hand lightly up Jimin’s thigh.

‘No need. I'm done.’

Jimin pulls his fingers out and goes to move onto his belly, but Jungkook pins him down.

‘Let me,’ Jungkook says, ‘it’s been a while. That wasn’t enough.’

‘Who says it’s been a while?’

Jungkook’s grip tightens on his thigh. ‘Want to make you beg for it.’ He murmurs.

They stare at each other.

‘Yeah?’

‘Let me show you.’

Jungkook's fingers trace Jimin’s skin, light, then harder, gently scratching at the back of his thigh. He pushes his leg back up until Jimin holds it there.

He keeps staring down at Jimin as he moves the tips of his fingers to his hole, spreading the lube that lingers there. His first finger slides in easily, then another. He doesn’t break eye contact as he works his fingers inside him, reading every little reaction that he pulls from Jimin’s body, his mouth opens as he drinks it in.

‘That’s it,’ he praises as Jimin takes a third finger, their eyes still locked together. ‘This is what you wanted from me, isn't it?’

Jimin can't answer, his mouth hangs open, but it is what he wanted– that feeling of getting lost in Jungkook, of the control Jungkook exerts over him so tenderly that it feels nothing but safe.

It’s what he wanted and he still wants more.

He wants to look away but he can't.

Jungkook leans closer, he's so close, and Jimin doesn't miss the way his eyes keep darting to his lips.

‘You look beautiful,’ Jungkook murmurs.

He's so close now. His lips are a shadow over Jimin's jaw, his cheek. And he always says something like that before he kisses him.

‘Don’t.’

‘Don’t what?’

‘Don’t kiss me.’

Jungkook runs his nose along the side of Jimin's own, lips still whisper close, one small movement more and it would be his lips tracing a path on Jimin's skin.

Jimin shuts his eyes and turns his face away.

Jungkook laughs softly, then drops his head into the crook of Jimin's neck, and there he indulges himself, his mouth on Jimin’s collarbone, across to his shoulder. And it isn't really any better, it feels as tender as if he’d kissed Jimin's lips.

They should be doing this faster, Jimin wanted a quick dirty fuck on his knees, not face to face tenderness.

He reaches down and grasps his own cock, stroking himself, then pushes Jungkook back a little.

‘Get undressed.’

Jungkook moves back to the end of the bed to do as he says, stumbling as he kicks off his pants, and then he's back, crawling over Jimin's body.

Jimin reaches down and takes both of their cocks in his hand, stroking them together, and Jungkook gasps and presses his forehead to Jimin's chest. His breathing stutters, hot against his skin and then Jimin feels him press a kiss there, right on his clavicle. As Jimin works them more firmly, Jungkook opens his mouth, his tongue laving across Jimin’s skin. His warm lips hot and wet, moving up from his chest to the juncture of his neck.

He’s kissing him, tasting Jimin’s skin even though he has been denied what he really wants.

When he reaches Jimin’s jaw, the tension of it becomes too much and Jimin grabs the back of Jungkook’s hair and stops his movements.

Jungkook whines, his eyes squeezing shut.

‘Please–’

‘Put the condom on.’ Jimin pushes him away and turns over.

For a moment, presented like that on his knees, his face pressed into the sheets, it feels startlingly vulnerable. Something almost snaps and he’s one moment from running right out of the room– but then Jungkook is there behind him pressing a kiss to his shoulder blade, so soft and light as though he knows he’s pushing his luck.

Jimin arches back into the warmth of him, feeling Jungkook’s cock press against him.

Jungkook leans across his back, one arm around Jimin’s waist to pull him up against his body and hold him there. He slides his cock between Jimin’s thighs, moving back and forward, one hand creeping up to hold Jimin’s jaw and turn his face toward him.

He has his lips are at Jimin's neck as he lines up his cock and slowly pushes inside him. Jimin is too consumed by the burning stretch, the relief and the rush of too many things to complain about the position– to complain how every time he draws some line between their bodies Jungkook smashes through it.

And he quickly loses the motivation to fight him. Jungkook holds them so that every part of their bodies are touching as he starts to move, drawing his cock out slowly, before snapping his hips back hard enough to make Jimin cry out.

His lips are on Jimin’s jaw again, pressing his mouth there, not quite in a kiss but getting more and more bold the longer Jiming doesn't tell him to swap.

‘You–’

His tongue swipes across Jimin’s neck as if he’s tasting him and Jimin moans.

‘I–’

Jungkook keeps starting to talk but never finishing any of his sentences. Jimin’s heart beats in his throat.

It’s too much.

Somehow he manages to pull himself free of Jungkook’s arms and leans down onto his elbows, arching his back.

‘Harder. Fuck me harder.’

Jungkook listens to him; for a while. And for a while Jimin can push everything away but the physical sensations. The tight stretching rhythm of Jungkook inside him, the way he angles it just right and fucks him hard enough that his face is shoved into the sheets, his own hard cock bouncing between his thighs.

And it feels good, it feels good.

Then Jungkook flips him over and crawls back over his body. He kisses his way up Jimin’s skin, kisses up his ribs to the crook of his arm. He stops there, trailing his nose along the underside of Jimin’s arm, to his neck.

Jimin can feel the way he’s breathing him in and it makes him shudder. He’s going to complain, derail the moment again, then Jungkook grabs him roughly by the jaw as he settles back between his legs.

Jimin shuts his eyes.

‘Look at me.’

‘No.’

Jungkook’s fingers tighten until they burn.

‘Look at me, or you don’t get fucked.’ He says.

He’s rocking his hips, the length of his cock sliding between Jimin’s ass cheeks, the tip catching at the rim but not sinking in.

Jimin opens his eyes.

‘There you are.’

‘I–’

‘Shush, just look at me.’

The grip on Jimin’s jaw softens, it goes tender as Jungkook sinks inside him, a slow deep thrust and their lips are so close that they moan straight into each other’s mouths.

Jungkook doesn’t let go as he starts to move and Jimin looks up at him. Jungkook leans closer.

‘Please,’ Jimin whispers, ‘please don’t kiss me.’

They stare at each other for a second longer. Jungkook is frowning, his brows drawn together as he searches Jimin’s face and he looks– lost. Then he drops his head into the crook of Jimin’s neck. He doesn’t stop holding him, an arm around Jimin’s torso as he moves.

Jimin sucks in a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

This is taking too long.

Jimin is starting to feel a little trapped, a little tiny flutter of panic settling under his ribs. Because this is exactly the way things always were before– Jungkook is too honest and too emotional to do anything but fuck like he’s making love. And he might be able to do that even though he isn’t, but Jimin can’t.

He shoves Jungkook away, pushing him onto his back in the sheets and climbing on top of him. Jungkook looks up, wide eyed, as Jimin lines up his cock and sinks down onto it.

It’s better like that. Jimin shuts his eyes, starts working his own cock as he rides him. It’s better, until he opens his eyes and looks down and Jungkook is staring up at him and everything about his face looks wrong.

‘Are you close?’ Jimin says, though he knows he isn’t.

Jungkook just shakes his head. His hands tighten on Jimin’s hips.

Jimin keeps moving, turns his head away. He tries to squeeze his eyes shut and concentrate.

And then suddenly Jungkook is pushing him off. He pushes Jimin to the side, gasping at the air like he’s struggling to breathe, and Jimin watches with horror as Jungkook kicks his legs off the bed and then sinks his head into his hands.

For a horrible, endless second Jimin just stares at him sitting there. And then Jungkook’s shoulders shake and Jimin scrambles across the bed toward him.

‘Sorry, god, sorry, I’m just– drunk.’ Jungkook chokes, lifting a hand to push Jimin back. But it’s obvious that he’s trying to stop himself from crying.

Jimin reaches out and touches his arm and Jungkook lifts his head.

‘Are you okay? What happened?’

‘I’m just drunk, I–’

As they look at each other, a tear runs down his cheek. There’s something more horrible about the sight of it when Jungkook does nothing to make it fall, it just escapes his lash line as though he couldn’t stop it even if he tried. Jimin frowns as he reaches out and smooths it away. Jungkook’s eyes squeeze shut and a couple more tears escape.

Jimin’s throat feels tight.

Perhaps one of the worst things about hurting somebody that doesn’t deserve it, is knowing that you did it on purpose.

‘Jimin?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Please kiss me.’

Jungkook opens his eyes and they burn into Jimin’s.

‘I–’

‘Please.’

Jimin doesn’t move his hand, he keeps it there holding Jungkook’s face as he leans in and kisses him. Jungkook gasps the moment they touch, it sounds somewhat like a sob, a laugh, something like relief. As they sink into each other he turns on the bed and grabs Jimin as though he is scared he’ll pull away.

But he doesn’t.

He lets Jungkook kiss him back into the sheets and take whatever he wants.

⪻∞✴❂☽∞⪼

Jimin wakes up with Jungkook’s arms around him and his face tucked into the nape of his neck. Even without looking, he can tell that he’s still asleep. He looks down at Jungkook’s arm where it’s slung over him, his hand just a few inches from Jimin’s in the sheets.

Jimin has never asked him what his tattoos mean.

Some of them he can guess; the 134340 inked on the side of his wrist, or the tiger lily that perhaps he shouldn’t know is Jungkook’s birth flower, but he does.

But he’s never asked about the smiley face on the tip of his finger, or the A U on his knuckles.

Those fingers have been wrapped around his throat, in his mouth, inside him– and he’s never even asked about the tattoos inked on them.

He moves his own hand slowly to Jungkook’s and lightly runs the pads of his fingers over the ink on his knuckles. Jungkook clenches and unclenches his hand, then he stretches, nuzzling his face further into Jimin’s neck.

He holds Jimin tighter as he slowly wakes up and lets out a low groan.

‘I’m really hungover.’ He croaks, his words muffled into Jimin’s hair.

‘Ah, me too.’

‘Herman will be satisfied at least.’

‘Yeah…’

Jimin immediately feels uncertain. Awkward. He isn’t sure how they’re going to act or talk about things. They didn’t carry on fucking last night, just kissed until Jungkook calmed down and then he fell asleep in Jimin’s arms.

And now here they are.

Then Jungkook laughs. He pulls at Jimin’s shoulder and manhandles him onto his back, then rests on his chest.

‘You know,’ he murmurs, voice still husky and sleep soaked, ‘we’ve never slept together before.’

‘What?’

‘Yup, not once.’

‘I guess not…’

‘I didn’t even know you snored until you fell asleep in the car.’

‘I don’t snore.’

‘Oh you really, really do.’

‘Fuck you.’

Jimin pinches his ribs and Jungkook laughs as he flinches away, but then it quickly descends into a groan and he grabs Jimin’s wrist.

‘God, please no, I’m way too hungover.’

He slides off Jimin’s body and face first into the sheets.

‘I’ll get you some paracetamol, wait a second.’

Jimin gets out of bed, grabs his boxers from the floor and pulls them on, heading over to his bag to look for some medication. He returns with the pills and a bottle of water and Jungkook claws his way to the edge of the mattress to accept them.

Now Jimin’s up it feels a bit strange to get back into bed– particularly with a very naked Jungkook still sprawled in there. He turns away and picks up his sleep shirt from the chair, then starts looking around for his phone.

‘Jimin?’

‘Yeah?’

‘That’s my shirt.’

‘What? No it isn’t…’

It is though. The realisation crashes into him all at once. It’s the one Jimin washed for him and then when it came out of the laundry it just looked so big and so comfortable he’d figured he could wear it once or twice before washing it again and giving it back and then he just…didn’t.

‘If it isn’t I’d love to know where the fuck you got it from because it’s vintage,’ Jungkook grins. ‘And there’s a rip right there on the neck.’

Jimin lifts his hand to cover the hole as if that is going to help anything.

‘I didn’t even realise it was yours. How funny…you must've left it at mine.’

Jungkook laughs again and then lies back in the bed and closes his eyes. ‘Looks like it’s yours now.’

‘I’ll wash it and give it back to you.’

‘Sure.’

After another lap around the room Jimin finally locates his phone abandoned on the TV console. It’s eight-twenty in the morning, which isn’t as bad as he’d feared. They don’t need to check out until eleven.

When he unlocks it there are two missed calls from his brother and a message asking Jimin to call him back. His stomach drops. His brother calling him at all is rare, but the calls were from two in the morning which means it would’ve been around ten AM in Korea and his brother should definitely be working then.

All the unannounced, strangely timed calls he’s received from his brother recently have been about their parents. About another badly covered up bruise on their mother’s neck at the dinner he had with them. Or how out of it she seemed, or how their father drove home despite having had at least four drinks.

Sometimes Jimin wishes his brother wouldn’t tell him about it, because there’s nothing either of them seem to be able to do– but he knows that’s selfish.

‘-shall I?’

Jimin jumps at the sound of the voice behind him, and flinches away from the hand that lands on his waist. When he spins around Jungkook is there, a little frown on his face.

At least he’s half dressed now.

‘You okay?’

‘Uh, just a missed call from my brother. That’s all.’

‘Okay. I was just saying that I’d go and shower in my room,’ Jungkook says. ‘And then we could go for breakfast?’

‘Oh, right…’ Jimin frowns, hand gripped around his phone.

‘Don’t tell me we still have to go to breakfast separately?’

Jimin jerks his head up, ready to argue, but Jungkook is smiling.

‘No…uh, but I do need to take this call. You go, okay? I’ll come down and meet you there.’

‘Promise?’

‘Yeah, of course I will. Get me a coffee.’

⪻∞✴❂☽∞⪼

He ends up being on the phone with his brother for a long time and afterwards he sits on the edge of the bed and looks out of the window. His phone hangs from his hand and he watches the grey clouds slide across the sky.

Jimin has spent more of his life away from his parents than he spent living with them. More than twenty years they’ve lived not only apart but thousands of miles away from each other. It’s funny then, that sometimes he feels like they still have such a hold over his life. Even though he’s long past being old enough that they shouldn’t.

Sometimes he dreams about bringing his mother over to the UK. He wishes he could buy her a little home near his, and how nice it would be to have her near him and know she was okay.

But she’d never come. And she’d fucking hate England.

He jumps at a sudden knock at his room door.

When he gets up to open it, Jungkook is there leaning against the frame.

‘You didn’t come to breakfast.’

‘Oh…yeah. The call took longer than I thought…’

Jungkook looks at him, then nods.

‘I brought you these.’ He holds out a banana and a croissant wrapped in a napkin. ‘They didn’t have takeaway cups for the coffee though, sorry.’

‘It’s okay. I’m actually not hungry at all. You take those for the journey.’

‘You need to eat–’

‘And you don’t need to tell me what to do, okay?’ Jimin snaps.

Jungkook tilts his head, then he steps forward into Jimin’s space. He lifts his free hand and brushes some of his hair from his forehead and behind his ear.

‘You’re hungover as fuck, aren’t you?’ He smiles softly.

It’s all too soft. Jimin looks up at him, and doesn't miss the way Jungkook’s hand lingers, the warmth of him, the way his eyes drop to Jimin’s lips.

‘Look, I need to go and shower–’

‘Can I come in?’ Jungkook cuts him off.

And of course he wants to finish what they started. Jimin knew that’s what would happen. The minute he loosened up on a boundary, Jungkook would just walk right over it. And Jimin is hungover and exhausted and he just wants to shower and pack and go home.

He pushes Jungkook back.

‘We don’t have time for this. We have to check out soon and I still need to pack…’

Jungkook scoffs.

‘You’re really doing this?’ He snaps. ‘This is how we’re going to handle things? We’re just going to ignore the absolutely head-fuck that was last night and never talk about it again, just like everything else?’

‘That isn’t what I said!’

‘Well then say something else!’

‘What do you want me to say?’

‘Anything!’ Jungkook shouts. His voice echoes along the quiet hotel corridor.

‘I’m too tired for this, right now.’ Jimin says quietly.

Jungkook scoffs. ‘Of course you are.’

‘I am–’

‘You know what, Jimin? I've really had enough of trying to be someone you give a shit about. And I'm done. Maybe I should've been done months ago when you clearly were. But hey, at least we're on the same fucking page now!’

And then he turns on his heel and leaves.

⪻∞✴❂☽∞⪼

They don’t talk in the car. Or at the airport, or while they’re boarding. They don't talk on the plane. And Jimin knows they need to, it’s obvious that they need to but neither of them even try.

Jimin doesn’t have the energy. He doesn’t even know where to start. He’s just too tired.

Once upon a time, things between him and Jungkook were easy, and that had been the whole point. But now it’s nothing but a mess.

It doesn’t even really feel like it’s about right and wrong anymore, or misunderstandings or anything else– it’s just a mess. One that both of them are probably better off out of.

When Jungkook stands up the minute the seatbelt sign disappears on the plane, Jimin still doesn’t say anything. Like he doesn’t when Jungkook grabs his bag from the overheard and disappears down the aisle.

He just lets him go.

The last Jimin sees of him is Jungkook ahead on the tarmac of the runway as he vanishes into the airport.

⪻∞✴❂☽∞⪼

When Jimin gets home, he unpacks, showers and gets into bed. And then he sleeps for over twelve hours straight. He was clearly exhausted and needed the rest.

It’s early when he wakes up, still a few hours before his alarm and a pale dawn light creeps through the curtains.

The sleep has done him good. He feels better.

And then he feels worse.

All he can think about is Jungkook sitting naked on the edge of the hotel bed with his head in his hands. He thinks of that tear that fell across his cheek. And that horrible look on his face when they fucked and how wrong it had started to feel even before he pushed Jimin away, and Jimin knew, he could feel it too, but he didn’t stop, he didn’t want to admit anything.

Now he’s less tired and overwhelmed, and he’s thinking about it here in the safety of his own bed, it’s obvious he hurt Jungkook. Even if he doesn’t quite understand why, he can’t wilfully ignore it anymore.

Back at the hotel, Jungkook said he was tired of trying to be somebody Jimin cared about– which means that he has no idea how much Jimin does care.

Jimin has always felt like it must be obvious. That was half the reason he felt like he needed to keep everything so locked down all the time, because he assumed everything he felt for Jungkook was just there written all over his face. Maybe it wasn’t. And maybe Jimin had done the same thing in return, by making assumptions about Jungkook. It was easier, he thinks, to make Jungkook the villain as some kind of outlet for his own pain.

What he does know is that it’s stupid and unfair on both of them if they keep not talking about any of it. It’s still early, but he grabs his phone and sends Jungkook a message.

are you free later?

will you come over? we should talk

It’s mid morning before Jungkook replies, and then it’s pretty much exactly the answer Jimin had expected.

i wanted to talk yesterday

you shut me down

I know

please

what time?

six?

Jungkook doesn’t even answer, he just sends a thumbs up.

⪻∞✴❂☽∞⪼

He doesn’t turn up until after eight, but Jimin doesn’t really feel as though he’s in a position to complain. It isn’t as though he’s any more keen to have this conversation than Jungkook clearly is. Jimin’s never been very good at talking about feelings, even with somebody he knows well.

Whenever he was annoyed with one of his exes and wanted to talk about it– which happened way too often– it would take him hours or even days to get to it. He’d plan what he wanted to say a thousand times, have the argument with himself in his head, type out his thoughts in his notes app. Then he’d sit there opening and closing his mouth trying to start. It never seemed to get easier.

Jungkook isn’t an ex, but it’s just as hard.

His heart is thumping in his throat by the time there’s a knock on his door.

Jungkook stands on his doorstep with his hands in his pockets, his shoulders a little raised.

‘Hi.’

‘Hi.’ Jimin steps back to make way for him to come inside. ‘Come through.’

They go into Jimin’s living room and sit awkwardly on opposite ends of his couch. The silence hangs heavily between them.

Jungkook has his thumbs stuck into the cuffs of his sweater, he brings one to his mouth and bites it. He’s looking around the room, anywhere but at Jimin.

‘Do you…want a tea?’

‘No.’

Jimin doesn’t either really, he just wanted a bit more time.

‘You’re the one that invited me here,’ Jungkook says eventually. ‘So you know you’re the one that has to talk, right?’

‘Yeah…’

‘Okay…so?’

Jimin turns toward him, bringing his knees up and leaning against the back of the couch. Jungkook is still avoiding looking at him, but that kind of makes things easier.

‘Things between us…it’s all gotten a bit fucked up, hasn’t it?’

‘Is that rhetorical?’

‘No,’ Jimin shrugs. He fiddles with the velvet on the back of the couch, pushing his fingers through it, making patterns in the threads. ‘So, uh, after what happened at the hotel I’ve been…reflecting, and I wanted to apologise.’

‘For what?’

‘Firstly, for what happened that night. Us fucking. My stupid little strangers roleplay…I know that hurt you and I’m sorry.’

‘It’s okay…’

‘Is it?’

Instead of answering, Jungkook just shrugs.

‘You…said that I didn’t give a shit about you.’ Jimin adds. ‘But that really isn’t true.’

‘It isn’t?’

‘No!’

‘I just…find that kind of hard to believe.’

‘Why?’

Jungkook laughs into his hand but he sounds anything but genuinely amused.

‘Maybe because the minute you didn’t want to fuck anymore you cut me out of your life?’ He says. ‘Or because you’ve spent the last few months being nothing but angry or cold?’

‘I guess that’s fair,’ Jimin sighs. He wishes he had that cup of tea so he had something to do with his hands. ‘It’s kind of the other part I wanted to apologise for. I was thinking about everything that’s happened, not just while we were away but everything else too. I realised that I was hurt– I've been hurting– and I guess maybe I was angry too, more than I'd even admitted to myself, and…I think I've been taking that out on you.’

Jungkook just huffs by way of an answer, he keeps looking down at where he's playing with his fingers.

There isn’t really anything else to say but admit to where it all started, so Jimin closes his eyes and blurts it out.

‘I thought we were dating…’

‘What?’ Jungkook whips his head up, frowning.

‘Yeah…when we first met, right at the beginning…’

‘Jimin–’

‘I know! It’s really embarrassing. But I did. That night we met…it was so fun and so easy. We talked and flirted, you came back to mine, then we just kept meeting up and it was always so nice. Sure, it was mostly sex but it’s always like that in a relationship at first! So I just assumed. Then a few weeks in we went out with Hobi one night and you said something about how you never dated and didn’t want a relationship. That’s when I realised it was only me that thought we were dating.’

Jungkook is staring at him like Jimin just slapped him.

‘What…did you do?’ He says.

‘Excused myself and went home to be embarrassed?’

‘No, I mean…but we kept seeing each other? It’s been two years since then, we didn’t stop, I…’

‘We kind of did at first. You probably don’t remember. I pulled away and we just bumped into each other every now and then, we’d usually sleep together when we did. But then you moved to the department and it just sort of spiralled into more.’

‘Shit, Jimin. I really didn’t know. How did I not know?’

‘Because I never said anything.’ Jimin shrugs.

‘Why didn’t you?’

‘Well, once I’d gotten over the embarrassment I figured it would be fine. You're hot, I liked sleeping with you. I didn’t really see a problem with it until it was too late.’

‘And what was the problem?’

‘When I started wanting more?’ He bites his lip. ‘When I started thinking about you all the time, wishing you’d stay over. Missing you when you weren’t around. Wishing you’d want me for something other than sex…I don’t know, honestly, it all went wrong before I really stopped to think about it.’

‘Oh.’ Jungkook just stares at him with wide eyes.

‘Yeah…and I'm not taking the blame for everything that’s happened. Just my part in things.’ Jimin offers him a tiny smile. ‘But somewhere along the line I got hurt and then I decided you were the dickhead. I let myself believe all you cared about was sex. I don’t even know now if I really believed it, not all the time, it just made me feel better.’

‘Doesn’t sound like it even did that.’ Jungkook is frowning at him, he looks confused.

‘Because it didn’t really. And it isn’t true, is it?’ Jimin sighs.

‘No, it isn’t. I’ve always cared about you.’

‘Yeah…and it’s never been your fault that you didn’t realise I was in love with you.’ Jimin laughs and then both of them freeze in shock, just staring at each other.

Jimin’s hand flies up to his mouth.

‘What?’ Jungkook looks horrified.

‘I–’

‘You’re in love with me?’

Jimin stares at him, frozen, the confirmation on the tip of his tongue.

‘Yeah.’ He whispers eventually.

Despite the way his hands shake and the sound of his own blood rushes in his ears– it feels weirdly underwhelming to finally say that out loud. As if maybe Jimin always hoped it would be this magical piece of information that suddenly solved everything, but somehow he already knows that isn’t going to be the case.

‘Since when?’

‘Ah, uh, a while.’

‘Shit.’

Jimin goes back to making patterns on the couch.

‘I always wondered if you were just pretending not to notice.’ He whispers eventually.

‘I promise I wasn’t.’

‘Yeah…I can see that written all over your face.’

‘I’m really sorry.’

Jimin just shrugs, swirls his fingers desperately into the fabric and tries to sort out the jumble of things that are crashing like waves around the inside of his skull. It’s obvious there’s more to say, it’s why neither of them have moved. It’s just hard.

‘I already know the answer, but I need you to say it if that’s okay.’ Jimin bites his lip. ‘You don’t love me back do you?’

‘Jimin, I…’

‘Please.’

‘Of course I love you, Jimin. I really adore you, I always have done. Knowing I've been hurting you makes me feel ill. But–’

‘You're not in love with me.’

‘No…I don't think I am.’

Jimin just nods, swirling his finger in tighter and tighter circles as he tries to hold in the tears that are gathering at the back of his throat.

‘Okay.’ He whispers.

That’s it then, the missing piece he wanted. Though it completes the picture in the last way he would’ve liked.

‘I’m sorry,’ Jungkook murmurs.

‘Don’t say sorry for not loving me, that feels like shit.’

‘I’m…sorry.’ Jungkook tries to smile at the weak joke and Jimin just blinks and looks away.

‘Actually, I kind of want to know…’ Jimin says, managing to keep his voice steady but only just, ‘if you’re not in love with me, what do you feel? About us, about me…because some things still don’t make sense to me.’

‘If I try and explain my stupid brain, will you promise not to laugh at me?’

‘I'm way past laughing at this mess between us.’ Jimin sighs.

Jungkook flinches. ‘It makes me so sad that that's how you see us. That it’s just a mess.’

‘You don’t think it is?’

‘Now maybe. But not for most of the time, not before I got the job. I just…didn't realise how far apart our feelings were.’ Jungkook looks at him, then moves a little closer across the couch. ‘You were the best thing that ever happened to me. You still are.’

‘How? If you don’t have feelings for me?’

‘Sometimes I think the universe was playing some kind of joke when they made me.’ Jungkook sighs. ‘On the one hand I’m not into relationships, I genuinely never have been. I have never wanted that, ever. But then at the same time, I’ve always hated sleeping with strangers. Then I met you and we had such good chemistry, we got on really well and the sex was amazing and then you just never seemed to expect anything from me. I thought you were the same. Or at least I figured you just weren't really looking for something more at that moment. That you were busy or wanted a break from having a partner. I don’t know. I just kind of went with it.’

‘It isn’t really wrong.’ Jimin concedes. ‘It was like that at first…until it wasn’t.’

‘Jimin, I never wanted to hurt you. I’d never have hurt you on purpose and now I feel really fucking stupid that we never even tried to talk about it.’

‘I know. If I’m honest I think I didn’t want to talk because I kind of knew I would be getting an answer I didn’t want to hear. Because you never lied to me about what you wanted, did you? If we didn’t talk, at least I could go on pretending for a bit longer.’

‘Jimin–’

‘So you didn’t hurt me, I hurt myself.’

‘No, I hurt you. But…how was I supposed to know?’ Jungkook looks at him, he looks a little like he wants to reach out, but he doesn't. ‘You’re very hard to read, do you know that? Sometimes I think I get you and then you turn around and do something and I’m totally lost again.’

‘Yeah, I do know that.’

‘Shit.’ Jungkook rubs his forehead. ‘This is a lot.’

‘I know. I’m sorry.’

‘It’s okay, we needed this, didn’t we?’

‘Yeah…’ They’re quiet for a moment. ‘Can I ask something else?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Is that what went wrong that night? Why you were upset when we slept together? Because of the strangers thing? I think it would really help me if I knew.’

Jungkook looks up at him with wide eyes, he’s still picking at the side of one of his nails.

‘I was kind of drunk,’ he murmurs, ‘but I just felt…shitty about it. I don’t like sex like that, I never have. I wouldn’t have liked it whoever it was with but it was fucking horrible to be like that with you.’

‘Why?’

‘Because I’d missed you.’ Jungkook stares right at him. ‘Because it simultaneously felt amazing to get to hold you and devastating every time you turned your face away and refused to look at me.’

‘Oh–’

‘And like I said, I was drunk, so I guess it just got overwhelming.’

‘Well, I’m sorry.’ Jimin says. ‘I was so caught up in how I was feeling I don’t really think I thought about you.’

‘How were you feeling?’

‘What?’

‘You asked me but you haven’t actually said yourself.’

‘I was feeling like if you kissed me it would mean too much to me but nothing to you.’

‘Oh.’

‘And I suppose I wanted you to feel what it was like. But that was petty, and I’m sorry for that.’

‘It’s okay.’

He keeps saying it’s okay but Jimin doesn’t really know if it is.

‘Is there anything else we need to get off our chests?’ Jimin tries to laugh, neither of them really smile.

‘I’m sorry that I can’t give you what you want.’ Jungkook says and it’s obvious he means it.

‘That’s okay, I’m sorry that I made things messy.’

‘You didn’t.’

‘I did. But we got there in the end, didn’t we?’

‘I guess so…’

‘I’m going to need some time to get over you,’ Jimin smiles softly. ‘And we can’t really give each other space, not with the project, but…now you know everything, please try to give me that?’

‘Shit. It’s why you didn’t want me to take the job, isn’t it?’

‘Ah, yeah. I figured it would make things worse. Guess I was right!’

‘Sorry for being stubborn about it.’ Jungkook grimaces. ‘I wish I could say I regret it but I really love what we do. I’ve loved working with you.’

‘We’ll be okay. Just give me some time.’

‘I will.’ Jungkook slides his feet off the couch and rubs awkwardly at his knees. ‘If that’s it, I think I should go. I haven't slept yet, I feel kind of like I’ve been hit by a truck.’

‘Yeah, okay. I’ll show you out.’

Jimin walks to the door with him and stands there while Jungkook puts his shoes and jacket on. Jungkook stands up and looks at him, then he leans forward and kisses Jimin on the forehead.

‘I, uh, yeah…’ He says, his hand lingering on Jimin’s shoulder.

Jimin laughs dryly. There really isn’t anything else either of them can say.

And then Jungkook is gone.

⪻∞✴❂☽∞⪼

After he leaves, Jimin tries to watch a movie. He didn’t really want to sit there alone with his own thoughts, but in the end he can’t concentrate on it at all.

It’s Saturday night and he wishes he was the sort of person that liked to go out, or the sort of person that had the guts to go out on their own anyway. He’d kind of like to go dance, or get drunk and do karaoke, just something that might genuinely take his mind off of things. But the thought of doing that on his own is mortifying, while at the same time he can’t ask any of his friends because they would definitely want to know what the fuck was wrong with him. And the last thing Jimin wants right now is to talk about it.

He’s done enough talking today to last him a lifetime. He throws himself backwards onto the couch with a small sound of frustration.

He can’t help wishing that Jungkook had been an asshole about things. Or that they’d ended up screaming at each other.

A fight would have been so much more satisfying. He thinks he would’ve rather they yelled at each other and that Jungkook said something horrible to him like he did when they fought before. Because then he could work on hating him, or being angry. It would feel like more of a release.

Instead he just has to lay here and acknowledge that Jungkook is a good guy. He’s somebody worth being in love with and that really fucking sucks when that’s pointless.

But there isn’t anything he can do about it now.

It isn’t until later, once he’s in bed in the dark and it’s still running through his mind over and over that he finally cries.

And that helps. A bit.

⪻∞✴❂☽∞⪼

Jimin spends a lot of the remainder of his weekend overthinking everything, only to come to the conclusion that thinking about it was pretty pointless. There isn’t really any way around things, he can’t avoid Jungkook, he can’t cut him out of his life– there’s no way around any of it. Only through.

Which is why he’s currently making his way across the department to Jungkook’s office with a tray of coffee and blueberry muffins.

Because he can’t avoid him, so he might as well get some of the awkwardness over with.

Jungkook looks so terrified when he sees Jimin approaching that under any other circumstances it might have been funny. As it is, Jimin just gestures at the coffee in his hands and then nearly drops it.

They have probably the most awkward conversation Jimin has ever had in his life before he manages to hand over the coffee and then practically runs back out of the office.

But they have it– their first conversation since the conversation– and it’s okay. Jimin goes back to his own office and gently bangs his head on his desk. But then he drinks his coffee and the morning goes on and both of them survive it.

On Tuesday they have a meeting and it starts off a little bit stilted, and Jungkook spends most of the time decidedly not looking at him, but once again they get through it.

On Wednesday they wave at each other in the courtyard.

On Thursday, Jimin visits the lab so they can work on one of the run-throughs together. And it’s fine. Jungkook even laughs.

And even though every interaction they have is awkward– and even though they hurt too– each time also comes with a certain amount of relief. Like a little stitch to the wound that he’s slowly, slowly closing.

On Friday, Jimin leaves work early and walks across town to Namjoon’s shop. The bell on the door rings above his head and Jimin feels that familiar rush of warmth as he steps inside.

‘I’ll be out in a minute!’

‘Joon, it’s me.’

‘Ah, in that case I’ll be out in ten minutes!’

Jimin smiles and starts walking around the shop.

When Namjoon comes out a while later, he quietly comes over to where Jimin is looking at one of the displays. Jimin nudges their shoulders together and turns to look up at him with a smile. Namjoon has a smudge of white on his cheek and Jimin reaches up to wipe it away with the cuff of his jacket.

‘I hope that wasn’t anything dangerous.’

‘Uh, I was mixing some glaze. It's probably just slip, I think we’re okay.’ He rubs at his cheek.

‘This is lovely.’ Jimin points at the piece in front of him.

‘Isn’t it?’ Namjoon smiles. ‘It’s raku, western raku. The artist used seaweed to make the glaze crack like that.’

‘That’s where that pattern comes from?’ He reaches out to gesture at the twisted and cracked black patterns on the side of the vase.

‘Yeah,’ Namjoon nods.

‘It’s really beautiful.’

Jimin looks down at the label, then he laughs.

It says– the albatross

‘I think I’d like to buy it.’

⪻∞✴❂☽∞⪼

When he wakes up on Saturday morning, Jimin thinks at least it doesn’t feel as shitty as the last one and maybe that will do for now.

And he tries to make it a good day. He orders take-out for breakfast. Then he showers but instead of getting dressed he just puts on clean pyjamas. He decides not to even try any work, or maybe just some reading, but only if he wants to.

The pot he bought from Namjoon is sitting on the window sill and every time he looks up from where he’s lounging on the couch and sees it, it makes him smile.

He’s staring over at it when the doorbell rings. He’s in half a mind not answer it– considering he isn’t expecting anyone and he’s terrible at getting rid of cold callers– but he grudgingly gets to his feet and pads down the hallway to the front door.

When he opens it, Jungkook is standing on his doorstep.

Jimin feels like they stare at each other in complete silence for several minutes.

‘I’m stupid.’ Jungkook suddenly blurts.

‘What are you talking about?’

‘Me, I’m really stupid, Jimin. Really stubborn.’ Jungkook tugs at his hair, shuffling on the doorstep. ‘I make my mind up about things and then I just…don’t really stop to question them. I don’t think. I’m stupid.’

‘You’re not–’

‘I am!’

They both go quiet, Jungkook seems agitated and Jimin feels himself start to panic as all those feelings he wanted to expunge immediately start unfurling and blooming behind his ribs.

Jungkook is so pretty, cheeks red from the cold, wrapped in ridiculous, oversized clothing, bouncing on his heels just fizzing with energy like always. He’s clearly upset and Jimin wants to help him with it immediately, he wants to invite him in, wants to soothe him and coddle him and– he can’t.

‘What’re you doing here?’ He asks after a few more seconds of silence.

Jungkook looks up at him, eyes wide.

‘I want to be with you.’

Jimin sighs.

‘I know. But you also said you’d give me time. That’s only fair, right?’

Jungkook frowns, just stares back for a moment with his mouth a little open. Then his eyebrows shoot up.

‘No, I mean, with you. Together like dating, or a relationship or…’ He trails off, obviously struggling to keep eye contact, one hand fiddling with his messy hair.

‘Oh…’ Jimin stares back. Because that was the last thing he was expecting.

‘I didn’t mean physically with you…although I do want that. Really badly actually, and I don’t mean sex, just that I might implode if you don’t invite me in soon or if you’ve changed your mind or– something.’

‘This is, uh, quite a lot to throw at me on my doorstep.’

‘Shit, sorry.’ Jungkook rubs the back of his neck. ‘Can I come in?’

Jimin nods and steps backwards into the hall. Jungkook follows him and then they just stand there and look at each other.

‘Shall we…’ Jimin gestures over his shoulder and Jungkook just nods.

They go into the living room and Jimin sits awkwardly on the couch feeling a disorientating familiarity to the scene.

But this time Jungkook paces around on his rug.

‘I want to talk.’ He says. ‘It’ll be clumsy though, I’m sorry.’

‘The floor is yours.’

Jungkook nods and then paces for a few moments longer before he says anything.

‘I didn’t lie to you. Last weekend, when we talked I was honest about everything but– I didn’t say everything I wanted to.’

Jimin stares up at him. He’s still trying to catch up with what Jungkook had blurted out on the doorstep and whether he even wants to hear it now or whether they’re just about to rip apart all those stitches he so carefully worked on.

‘Because I do have feelings for you.’ Jungkook carries on. ‘I just…have to be honest that I don’t really understand them, or what it means. I think I honestly realised that quite a long time ago but I was too stubborn, or too scared, to try and do anything about it. I’d already decided it wouldn’t work, or be worth talking about so I just refused to entertain it.’

‘Right…’

‘So, I’m still a bit confused, but I’ve been realising some of my assumptions weren’t quite what I thought they were. And, uh, then I had this conversation with Hobi this week. About everything. And he sort of made me realise maybe we were already in more of a relationship than I was admitting even to myself.’

‘You and me?’

‘Yeah…’ Jungkook looks at him. Then he comes over and sits down on the couch, closer than last time, his body tilted toward Jimin’s. ‘I mean, maybe not recently. But last year, when things were still good. We were close, weren’t we? Together all the time, sleeping together. Seeking each other out. I thought about you constantly. Even if I hadn’t fully realised it, you were the most important person in my life and I would’ve put pretty much anybody aside for you. I still would.’

‘I see.’ Jimin’s head is spinning.

‘And maybe it isn’t very conventional but that kind of is a relationship, isn’t it?’

‘Sort of?’ Jimin honestly feels like he’s missing something. ‘So…you do have feelings for me? Romantic ones?’

‘Yeah, I do.’

‘But last week you said you didn’t?’

‘Well, I kind of did.’ Jungkook huffs. ‘I was confused and overwhelmed and you just seemed so…hurt. It didn’t really feel fair to answer you with more uncertainty.’

‘So, you’re uncertain?’ Jimin frowns. ‘I’m really struggling to keep up with you.’

‘I’m sorry! I told you this would be a mess.’ Jungkook says, rubbing at the back of his neck. ‘I’ve never really wanted somebody before. And even with you– it isn’t like I suddenly got hit by a lightning bolt and now I want to run off into the sunset and get married– it isn’t like that, but I love you…I might even be in love with you but I really, genuinely don’t actually know what that means. And so I thought it was better to not to say that at all–’

‘Why?’

‘Because I felt like I’d already put you through too much to ask you to take that kind of risk.’

‘What risk are you asking me to take? Or not take, rather?’

‘Of trying to be with me when I don’t even know what that means. I just…I'm not sure I'm into a traditional kind of relationship, but maybe that doesn't mean I'm not into one at all…I just don’t really know. So I’m not expecting you to want to fuck around with me when you’ve already been hurt…I think I just wanted you to know everything. I think you deserve to know that I do have feelings for you even if they’re a bit…messy. I just…you're so amazing, Jimin, I really just wanted you to know that I knew that.’

Jimin stares at him.

Jungkook looks pretty, he looks warm and open and honest and it’s funny how much Jimin realises he trusts him. Even after everything. Or maybe exactly because of that.

‘So what are you saying? Or, what would you say if I was up for trying?’

‘I’m saying that I want to be with you, but I really have no fucking idea what that means.’

‘Do you ever think,’ Jimin smiles, ‘that maybe both of us think way too fucking much?’

Jungkook huffs. ‘I think that kind of comes with brains like ours…’

‘Maybe.’

‘Not sure you could end up being a scientist if you didn’t overthink all the time…’

‘Well, I’m just wondering if maybe we should both stop? When it comes to this anyway, whatever it is between us, maybe we just stop thinking about it too much?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean that…I don’t really think I need you to make me any promises. I don’t need to get married. I don’t have some gap in my life I need you to fill. I don’t think I really have many expectations about a relationship at all. I just need to know that you want me–’

‘I do!’

‘That you love me–’

‘I really do.’ Jungkook nods wildly.

Jimin smiles.

‘I just need to know we’re on the same team, that you won’t lie to me. That you care about me.’ He looks at Jungkook. ‘Can you give me that?’

‘Yes!’ Jungkook moves across the couch, he reaches out and takes Jimin’s face in his hands, smoothing his thumbs across his cheeks. ‘I can give you more than that if you’ll let me. I can adore you. Think you’re beautiful. Want to make you laugh. And fuck you. Kiss you like you deserve to be kissed. I can promise you that everything I have to give to someone else I want to be yours. I don’t want anyone else, I’ve literally never wanted anyone else but you.’

‘Well, that seems like quite a lot to give.’ Jimin smiles. ‘And it’s enough for me. You are. You’re enough.’

Jungkook makes a strange little noise in his throat, a kind of choked sob, he leans forward and kisses Jimin’s nose, then tips his head back, blinking.

‘I, uh, never really thought I’d get to hear somebody say something like that to me.’ He murmurs.

Jimin reaches up and slides his hand behind his neck and pulls Jungkook toward him until their foreheads rest together.

‘Shouldn’t you ask what I can give you?’

‘What?’ Jungkook blinks.

‘What do you need?’

‘Oh.’

Jimin lifts his other hand to Jungkook’s cheek, moves his fingertips, feather soft over his skin, a little bit in awe of him. A whole lot in love with his earnest wide open heart.

‘Don’t shut me out.’ Jungkook says. ‘Be patient with me. Let me rant about things. Give me the benefit of the doubt. And, uh, always kiss me like you mean it.’

‘Yeah,’ Jimin says. ‘I can do all of that.’