Work Text:
tired
you're so tired
you can't hold yourself up
isa's holding you up
it's nice
he's nice
you breathe slowly in and out and your breath hisses on the exhale and it hurts it hurts it hurts but you'll be fine you have to be fine
your hand twitches and you brush your pocket
the piece of glass
in your pocket
you can't let them see it
you have to hide it
is your blood still on it or did you clean it off
can't remember can't remember can't remember
hide it from them
hide it hide it hide it hide it you can't make them worry don't make them worry
the glass
falls out of your pocket
clinking on the ground
lightless blood on the shining surface
splattering as it hits the ground
isa
he looks so concerned
odile
she's looking at you
don't look at them don't look at them you can't
bring yourself
to look
you stare at the ground
at your blood on the tile
at the sheen of the glass
"Sif, is that… blood?" isa asks
you
don't respond
"That's not from the King," odile says "It can't be. I don't think he had panes of glass surrounding him. And certainly not broken ones."
"picked it up in the house" you mutter
your breathing wheezes and hisses in your chest
"In the House?" isa hums "But why is it covered in what looks like blood?" you're not looking at his face but you're sure it goes pale "Y-you just cut yourself picking it up, right, Sif? By accident?"
you can't find the words
hurt and tired is the only thing you can feel
"Siffrin, give me your arm," odile tells you
you shake your head
"Siffrin."
you pull your arms as far into your cloak as you can
can't let her see them
can't let her see your arms
the constellations you carved into your skin
just to feel something new
the stars as a part of you
she grabs your wrist and you flinch
her hands brush over a thin cut and it hurts it hurts it blinding hurts
she yanks your arm towards her and slides up your sleeve
lightless lines
lightless dots
lightless blood
lightless shapes cover your skin
constellations you can barely remember barely look at going up and around your arm
dark dark dark sheen of dark blood seeping out from the lines you remember carefully cutting into your skin
it was worship
in a way
you're not sure what of
if it was the stars and the universe you can barely remember even as they watch over you constantly
or if it was of the pain and the sensation and the agony of something new after hundreds and hundreds of repeats of the same exact thing
odile's holding your arm
bonbon is next to you staring at you
you can feel isa's grip on you tighten to the point it's just short of pain
it scares you how you want him to tighten his hand just a little more
it scares you how it doesn't scare you with how badly you want to be hurt by him
how badly you want the pain
it should be scary but it's not
you're scared purely by habit
by the knowledge that you should be scared
"Siffrin."
her voice is cold
hard
like steel
"Did you do this?"
no
no
no
no no no no no!
you can't
you can't
you try to pull away
try to pull your arm out of odile's grip
her hand is like a vise
when she notices you trying to escape she grabs your shoulder and holds you in place gently
so gently
like she cares
but she hates you she has to hate you you messed everything up with her she hates you you're not friends you were never friends and now
now
n o w y o u c a n ' t b e f a m i l y
you pull and pull and pull until you can barely breathe from the effort and you start to feel your skin starting to tear under the force
odile's saying something to isa and bonbon's crying but you can't hear more than that
and then you're cool
cold
arms around you
isa
he's holding you properly
his arms are hooked around you and his face is in the crook of your neck
he's so cold
maybe you're just hot
you feel like you're overheating
but he's so cold and it's nice and-
you stopped thrashing
when…?
it doesn't matter
you slump back into his chest
you can't think
hurts
everything h u r t s
odile's still holding your wrist
running her hands over the scars
she's calling for something
or someone
oh
it's mirabelle
mira
she's gasping
you can't bring yourself to look at her face
she sounds like she's crying
stupid disgusting blinding idiot you made her upset
you want to reach our for her but your skin is disgusting just like the rest of you and the only thing of value about you is the constellations on your arms
a familiar feeling surges over you
mira
she's healing you?
no no no you don't deserve that
you deserve the pain
you deserve the pain and the lightless blood a few shades darker than your clothes smeared all over your arms and the constellations painstakingly carved into your skin
you don't deserve mira's careful attention as she heals you or isa muttering into your shoulder as he holds you still or odile staring at your arms or
bonbon
they're so close
they shouldn't be here
they're so young they shouldn't be here they shouldn't be seeing your constellations or your blood
they've already seen you hurt but this is different because you did it to yourself and
and oh
that… makes you realize how messed up this is
stars you really cut constellations into your skin just to feel
you really are disgusting and pathetic
you hate this
hate this hate this hate hate hate this
your family
they shouldn't be seeing you like this
you taste burnt sugar on the back of your tongue but you're so weak and even breathing hurts
you can't do anything except lean more into isa's cold chest and try your best to breathe through the pain as your constellations are soothed away by mira's craft
you feel nauseous
like you're going to throw up
"They're running a fever," you hear mira say "We should… get them to the Head Housemaiden and fast."
"But the glass-"
"No time, Isabeau," mira interrupts him "He's burning up. I'm worried too, but we have to see if the Head Housemaiden can help his fever before we can address…"
lightless blood splattered on the floor where the glass fell
the world
is spinning around you
you can't hold yourself up much longer
you have to though
isa's cold still
bonbon holds your hand and you don't even have the strength to flinch
they're cold too
the head housemaiden is in front of you
you mutter something as she examines you for a fever
and then
and then
and then
and then you hear them talk about leaving you
leaving you?
already?
no no no no no no no no no NO
THEY CAN'T DO THIS TO YOU
THEY CAN'T- CAN'T JUST HEAL SOMETHING SO DISGUSTING AND THEN LEAVE YOU?
NO NO BLINDING NO!
you won't let them
you won't you won't you blinding. won't.
YOU WON'T LET THEM LEAVE.