Chapter Text
Following, our decision to see where the relationship takes us, Ben quickly re-acclimated to being the center of attention. The cast welcomed him back with open arms. Although we were delighted to see Ben’s smile again, after two long weeks without it, the cast was cautious of what we said. We watched our tongues, kept the conversation light, and the joking up. Vincent Crocilla has taken to hanging all over Ben and blabbering about random nothingness in an attempt to make Ben feel better. It is very irritating if you ask me, but Ben seems to enjoy it.
We spent our day off last week at the open gym. I usually don’t go with them, because I can’t tumble for the life of me, but I want to be with the crew as much as possible right now. I was given the responsibility of filming everybody’s Instagram videos. Hopefully, they don’t look that bad. Nick, Sky, Jordan, Ben, and DMC all had a lot of fun either way. Jordan went all out trying to teach everyone his spidey moves. He even had me out on the floor for a bit. According to him, I’m to worst student he’s ever had. I did warn him that I wouldn’t be able to do his weird, twisting flip, but he claimed that since I can dance, I should be able to do gymnastics too. He learned that they aren’t equivalent through me.
With the day yesterday going so well, it would be safe to assume that the night would too. But it never works out that way, does it? It felt like we barely made if through the show. Barreiro was out as well as Nico. Nothing officially went wrong, but it just felt slow and off. It seemed like everyone was a little tired and out of the game. When I got back to the hotel, I got a text from Sky asking if I could come to his and Ben’s room.
Sky opened the door for me, pointed to the bathroom door and said, “He’ll only talk to you.”
Ben had locked himself in and refused to come out for anyone but me. I knocked on the door and softly called Ben’s name. He didn’t say anything but I heard the click of the lock.
I assumed that was the only invitation I was going to get, so I opened the door and found him curled up on the bathroom floor. He wasn’t crying, but it was clear that he was close.
I crouched down and asked him if we could move to his bed. He nodded affirmation and I grabbed his hand. After I led him to his bed, I grabbed Sky and we moved to the hallway.
“What happened?” I asked Sky.
“I don’t know! He just got all weird and wouldn’t talk to me. Then he locked himself in the bathroom and kept asking for you.”
“Ok,” I said as I handed Sky my room key, “Iain and I are in room 212. I will text you when it’s safe to come back.”
“Ok. Thanks Josh.”
I took a deep breath before entering Ben’s room once again. Ben was in the same position that I left him in; leaning up against the head board with his knees curled into his chest and his chin resting on his knees. I sat down next to Ben, close enough to be teaching even though we weren’t. An old from when we were dating, I suppose. I rocked my upper body against his lightly, and asked, “What’s up?”
Ben glanced down towards his feet, and stayed quiet.
I pushed up against him once more and pleaded, “Ben, we promised to talk to each other when we need it.”
Ben softly let out, “Yeah, I know. I just don’t know where to start.”
“How about you start at the beginning,” I suggested.
“Ok. Umm. Well I guess I broke up with you because I felt too clingy, and I thought that you would be happier if you didn’t have to constantly deal with me. I just always feel like I’m being a pain. That’s why I didn’t come to you this week or tonight, even though I really wanted to.”
Ben started to cry and my heart really broke for this kid, “Ben, you know that’s not true. I enjoy every minute that I get to talk to you.”
“I know, but I can’t help thinking that when I get upset. I’ve done it with everybody that I’ve ever been close to, since I was a little kid. And I know I shouldn’t bottle everything up and think that nobody cares. And I know you care about me a lot, but my mind makes me feel empty anyway.”
I grabbed Ben’s hand as a sign that it’s alright and he continued, “So that’s why I’ve been weird. And then tonight, my mind got back on the endless loop that Emma’s death was all my fault. And I know how you feel about it. I don’t need a lecture.”
“Ben, I think you need help. You aren’t going to believe anything I say about it not being your fault. You need to find someone to talk to who doesn’t know you, a professional.”
Ben abruptly pulled away from me, “I’m not seeing some shrink.”
I was taken by surprise with that statement from Ben. He’s been through so much with Kate’s bipolar disorder and Emma’s suicide that he shouldn’t be ashamed to ask for help.
“Ben, all of us, your family and the newsies, all want the best for you.”
“I can deal with this myself. It’s all just in my head.”
“Ok. It’s your decision, and I will always support you no matter what, even if I don’t agree. You just have to promise to come to me. You can’t let Emma’s death, whether it be your fault or not, control your life and stop you from being happy. Remember her, and love her, but continue living here with us.”
At some point in all that, Ben’s head ended up on my chest. I took this opportunity to kiss him on the forehead, as he agreed with me. While we were sort of on the topic, I took this opportunity to ask him why he broke up with me.
“As I already said, I felt too clingy, and in the midst of all my emotions, my brain decided that you would be better off without me. I realized really quickly that I was wrong, because I had no one to confide in during the week that I was home. I didn’t run back to you though, because of how happy my family was that we had broken up. They didn’t ever hate that we were together, and they didn’t ever say that I was better off without you, but I could see the sense of relief in their faces when I told them.”
“Ben, that can’t be true. Your dad was always super supportive of us when he came to visit us. You had the best coming out experience I’ve ever heard of.”
Ben sighed and agreed, “Yeah, but you should’ve been there. We got into a massive fight about school. You know how I sort of stopped, because I couldn’t keep up with the work and would always get distracted. Well my parents blamed you for the distraction. Since we were broken up, I guess they thought they could say whatever. But we agreed that when I get home, I have to graduate.”
“Oh Ben, I’m so sorry.”
Ben didn’t say anything, but gripped my waist and cuddled me closer. I texted Sky and told him it’s safe to come back, and when I did, I noticed the time. 2:02! I got to Ben’s room at probably 12:30. Sky showed up with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s in hand.
Ben immediately perked up, “Half Baked! My favorite!”
Sky joined in on the cuddle session and we all dug in.
The next day being a two show day, Ben and I hung out in the theater between shows and grabbed dinner together. The cast recently got hooked on this app Evil Apples which is a lot like Cards Against Humanity. So we spent the evening playing round after round of that. I learned that Nico has a really dirty mind. I would have never guessed. We won like four rounds. I never won, but I was always pretty close. The unanimous best one came from the bookish Stephan Langton though; on “I’m all for southern hospitality except for when it comes to” he laid “marriage equality.” We all lost it, laughing our asses off. I felt bad for Ben who was talking a drink of water when the cards were revealed because couldn’t swallow, he was laughing so hard. He spit it all over himself and we proceeded to laugh harder than ever before.
For dinner, Ben and I ordered in and enjoyed some quiet time in the theater while everyone else was out for a sit down dinner. I’m not sure where Ben and I stand. I know that we aren’t together, so we shouldn’t act coupley and cuddly, but since that’s the direction that I think we are heading, I was fine with it. Ben started it by leaning his head on my shoulder, but I wasn’t the one that would let him go when JP and Josh walked back in. I was lying on top of him with my eyes closed (his tummy is a pretty squishy pillow), and it felt so nice to get a break, but I wrapped my arms around his waist when he tried to suspiciously squirm out from underneath me. He gave up and as more people filed back in from dinner, some shot me a questioning look but nobody said anything.
That night and throughout the next day, the majority of the cast questioned me on what’s happening between me and Ben. I’m not sure how many people asked Ben, because it seemed like in the 24 hours following the cuddle sess, 20 people asked me, but it was probably for the best that they came to me instead. Even though none of them saw it, the girlsies all texted me saying that they were happy that Ben and I were working things out. Sky and DMC aggressively requested that I join them for a coffee run in the morning. As soon as we were outside of the hotel, I was bombarded with questions. They wanted to know whether we were back together, how he was holding up, and could they be groomsmen at the wedding.
As soon as we got our coffees and grabbed a table, I let out everything to my two best friends, “Ben is not doing well mentally, guys. He’s put all the blame on himself for Emma’s death. He thinks that he’s too clingy which is why he won’t talk to us about anything. He thinks that we are better off not knowing what he’s going through. He broke up with me partially because of that and partially for his parents. Apparently they started fighting with him about school. And to top it all off,” my voice rose as went, “our relationship is still in the air!” After I finished I looked at them sitting across from me, took a breath and went, “So yeah.”
“Wow,” D started, “Let me start off by saying, it’s crazy that you’ve been doing this all alone.”
“That’s another thing!” I interjected, “I suggested he talked to a therapist, and he freaked out. It doesn’t make any sense at all. Why shouldn’t he? It could help so much.”
“You’re right that he should,” Sky said, “but to him it’s not that simple. If he has trouble coming to you when he need help, how would talking to a shrink make him feel any better?”
“In general, this just sucks,” D stated.
“No shit Sherlock. Thanks for the great deduction, D,” I replied sassily. After Sky finished laughing, I attempted to get us back on track, “I know that Ben getting better is our top priority, but I want my boyfriend back, guys,” I whined.
Our genius detective, D, offered a solution, “If you just keep being there for him, like both times in the hotel room and in the dressing room yesterday, then eventually it’s just going to naturally happen that you get back together.”
“Yeah, I mean, look at you; you’re irresistible,” Sky teased.
When we were about to leave, I got a snapchat from a Mr. Mike Ryan. It was a picture of him and Andrew, the two fun, gay dads of the cast. They congratulated me on getting back together with Ben. The three of us stopped in the street for a cute, reply selfie and I told them that it was complicated and Ben still needed time. Throughout the day, I continued to dismiss people’s idea that we were back together.
That night, I got my first actual text from Ben in a long time. He wanted to talk about everything so we texted for a couple hours. He repeated the exact same stuff that was bothering him the other day in the hotel room. I listened mostly, and tried to calm his fears at times. The problem is that even if he trusts what I’m telling him, my rationale can’t over power the one piece of doubt that controls what he believes. So he believes that I am right, but he believes that he is more right, and because Emma will never be here to agree that it wasn’t Ben’s fault, he listens to himself. When the conversation ended, I could still tell that Emma’s death was still bugging him, and that talking to him didn’t resolve all, if any, of his issues, but he was emotionally exhausted, so I let him go to bed, without asking him where we stood.
Throughout the following weeks of the tour for Ben, we got closer than ever. He came to me when he needed someone to talk to, and no matter how many times I disagreed with him, he still felt that he was bothering me. During the days we were constantly together again, and we stayed up all night texting. Nothing was happening physically beyond cuddling, and we never ever talked about our relationship. I think we were both afraid that we would screw it up if we even mentioned it. Looking back it was silly to avoid talking about what was naturally happening between us again.
That was over a year ago now. Ben and I are still together and we are really happy. We had some bumps in our road, especially when I was finally able to convince Ben to see a therapist. We share an apartment in New York, both have steady jobs doing what we love, and are excited to see where the future takes us.
Fin