Chapter Text
CLICK
ARCHIVIST
(Whiney) Tim . . .
JORDAN KENNEDY
(Mockingly) Jo-nny . . .
ARCHIVIST
I demand-.
KENNEDY
Says who, khejn?
ARCHIVIST
You take that back!
KENNEDY
I can’t if it’s true.
ARCHIVIST
I DEMAND THAT YOU TAKE THAT BACK !
KENNEDY
Keep dreaming, you nosy scheming bastard.
[stomping noises]
CLICK
CLICK
ARCHIVIST
Mari, I want the cuddles.
KOFI YOUNG
Ookay?
[a beat]
[cont’n.]
Would you like to talk about your-
ARCHIVIST
Car’s extended warranty?
YOUNG
No-
ARCHIVIST
We really should talk about managing money.
YOUNG
We should do that at the next Thing, not here!
ARCHIVIST
Fine, let’s talk about my emotions.
YOUNG
Yay!
ARCHIVIST
Under one condition.
YOUNG
Yesss?
ARCHIVIST
Cuddles. Nonstop.
YOUNG
And ear scratches, I’m assuming?
ARCHIVIST
You know me so well.
YOUNG
I have known you for eons.
ARCHIVIST
Well I have known Tim longer than you, and just look at our relationship.
YOUNG
We have a long way to go. (Sigh) Alright, how about we start-
ARCHIVIST
Tim – Gunpowder, that is – called me a khejn and I’m gonna shoot them next time I see them.
YOUNG
Alright, let’s start with that. Why do you feel that way?
ARCHIVIST
It’s an insult, Marius, of course I’m gonna shoot them.
YOUNG
Do you shoot your coworkers when they insult you?
ARCHIVIST
They’re mortal.
YOUNG
And? Wouldn’t it hurt your feelings if everyone shot you when you insult them?
ARCHIVIST
No, because I deserve it.
YOUNG
Right . . . How about we schedule another session for a couple days from now, once you have calmed down after this . . . Altercation.
CLICK
CLICK
SASHA JAMES
Jon. If that’s actually your name.
JARCHIVIST
What do you mean, Sasha?
JAMES
I need to talk to you.
ARCHIVIST
(Pompous voice) I’m in the middle of a statement, is this important?
JAMES
Yes .
ARCHIVIST
Alright, what is it?
JAMES
Are you under witness protection?
ARCHIVIST
What?
JAMES
There are so many inconsistencies in your file, you’re either under witness protection, or not who you say you are. Judging by both your general personality, I don’t think you would be under witness protection, seeing as you act like someone who would make someone have to go into the witness protection program.
ARCHIVIST
So insulting, Sasha.
JAMES
(Hissing) This is a serious topic, Jon!
ARCHIVIST
Really?
JAMES
Yes! I need to know if you are going to be a danger to anyone!
[a beat]
ARCHIVIST
Huh?
JAMES
I just want to know if you will or will not be a danger to Tim, Martin and I!
ARCHIVIST
Not unless I gain mystical powers, no.
JAMES
Is ‘Jon’ even your actual name?
ARCHIVIST
(Sarcastic) No, it’s Jonny. Of course it’s Jon!
JAMES
One day, Jon. One day I will find out what you are hiding.
ARCHIVIST
Okay. If you’re sure, Sasha . . .
CLICK
CLICK
[knock]
TIMOTHY STOKER
Jon?
ARCHIVIST
Tim?
STOKER
There’s a . . . Have you seen a . . .
ARCHIVIST
What?
STOKER
Have you seen a cat with octopus legs?
ARCHIVIST
A what ?
STOKER
I’ve been told they’re called ‘octokittens’.
ARCHIVIST
Why would there be an ‘ octokitten’ in the archives?
STOKER
Well, I was under the impression that it was a plushie or something, not a real actual creature! I didn’t know that it was real until way after I got here!
ARCHIVIST
Where did you acquire it?
STOKER
They were being sold at a concert I went to.
ARCHIVIST
Well then let us go look for it.
[door opens, bubbly meowing noises]
JAMES
What is this?
ARCHIVIST
Here, give it to me.
STOKER
Well, it’s an octokitten.
JAMES
Why is it in the archives?
STOKER
Well, I found it on sale for twenty pounds at the Mechs’ concert last night and I bought it and I didn’t know it was an actual animal until now!
ARCHIVIST
Unless you want it, Tim, I will deal with it.
STOKER
You can have it.
ARCHIVIST
Thank you very much.
[door closes, stairs]
CLICK