Chapter Text
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SASHA JAMES
Hey Jon?
ARCHIVIST
Yes?
JAMES
I’ve found something regarding Kofi Young’s first statement. “New Midgard” is a fictional place from an album by the band “The Mechanisms”. I’ve gone to one of their concerts, they’re pretty good.
ARCHIVIST
Highly unlikely that it’s good music, but if you think so, is it really my business? No. I hate their lead singer.
JAMES
Why do you hate their lead singer? Actually, Jonny doesn’t seem like a person that you would like. A bit too much for ya.
ARCHIVIST
I’m not homophobic, Sasha.
JAMES
It’s homophobia if you hate on gay people, innit?
ARCHIVIST
Sasha.
JAMES
Jon.
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TIMOTHY STOKER
Happy pride month, everybody!
SASHA JAMES
Happy happy.
[stapling]
STOKER
How about we all introduce ourselves with our pronouns and sexuality? I’ll go first, I’m bigender, he/she and pansexual!
MARTIN BLACKWOOD
Uhh. Trans and gay, he/they.
STOKER
Hey, that rhymed!
JAMES
What about you, Jon?
ARCHIVIST
Hi, I’m Jon. Don’t call me Jonny.
STOKER
‘Kay, cap’n. How’s it feel to be a homophobe during pride month?
ARCHIVIST
I am NOT a homophobe, Tim!
STOKER
Then prove it.
JAMES
Yeah, Jon! Prove that you aren’t a homophobe.
ARCHIVIST
I- Well I-
JAMES
See? You cannot.
ARCHIVIST
I um. Uh. I’m roommates with two enby cops?
STOKER
Impossible, ACAB.
BLACKWOOD
Assigned Cop At Birth?
[Laughing]
JAMES
(Laughs) It’s ‘All Cops Are Bastards’, but ‘Assigned Cop At Birth’ is way funnier.
BLACKWOOD
I, I knew that.
ARCHIVIST
Even if I was LGBTQ of any sort, I certainly don’t trust you nearly enough to tell you anything more personal than that I prefer ‘Jon’ over ‘Mr Sims’ or ‘Jonathan’!
STOKER
Just assign me to phone duty next time, bossman.
ARCHIVIST
Phone duty for a wee-
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[typing noises]
BLACKWOOD
Hey Jon, when’s your birthday?
ARCHIVIST
[typing pauses]
August?
BLACKWOOD
Is that a question or an answer?
ARCHIVIST
Fine, it’s August 20th.
BLACKWOOD
Truely?
ARCHIVIST
As far as I know.
BLACKWOOD
Huh. That makes quite a bit of sense.
ARCHIVIST
You believe in that horoscope nonsense, don’t you?
BLACKWOOD
Y-eahh.
ARCHIVIST
Also Martin, could you go invest-
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STOKER
Hey bossman, have you seen Martin?
ARCHIVIST
I got a message on the phone from them saying ‘Sick – probably a stomach bug’ with a worm emoji at the end.
STOKER
‘On the phone’? Old man.
ARCHIVIST
He’s never used any emoji other than the cow emoji, has he?
STOKER
I doubt it, he uses it no matter the situation.
ARCHIVIST
Hmm . . .
[a few beats, text sound]
[cont’n.]
Hey, what's this? The text reads ‘worm emoji, worm emoji, cow emoji, red circle with the cross through it emoji.’
STOKER
I mean at least they’re using cow emojis again.
ARCHIVIST
What do you think the underlying message would be?
STOKER
I don’t know . . .
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[hacking noises]
JAMES
What’s this?
[a beat]
[cont’n.]
Jon’s file has so many inconsistencies, age, date of birth, schooling records, approximately zero doctor or dentist records. Jonathan Sims is a ghost.
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