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It was not a good day. The winter air was dry and held a terrifying chill to it. It had rained the night before, causing a light sheet of water to ice over throughout the entire town. The cold air caused the consistent dull pain in his leg to be amplified tenfold, and the dryness caused his throat to feel raw, as if he were gargling glass and drinking lemon juice right after. He’d woken up several times throughout the night, the only night he’d thought he was going to be getting enough sleep. The constant interruptions, seeing Jordie floating lifeless in the large metallic pool surrounded by the other victims, feeling all their waterlogged bodies pressed against his own, feeling the water enter into his mouth and nose sliding into his lungs, smelling the formaldehyde that Jakob Hertzoon and his partner had poured onto him and the others. Kaz was slightly glad that his throat was rubbed raw, that meant he wasn’t able to cry out when he slept. He wouldn’t chance the others hearing him.
Kaz gave up on trying to sleep at five in the morning. His body was covered in sweat despite the cool air flowing through the house. He so desperately wanted to shower, but there were several factors that prevented him from accomplishing that. His leg wouldn’t even allow him to walk on it for more than ten paces even with the help of his crow headed cane. He’d tried, just going to his closet to change into fresh clothes, and found himself on the floor with his knee flaring up in agony. He also knew that due to the nature of his dreams, the nature of everything, being in water for any period of time would not be great.
That’s how Kaz found himself sitting at his desk with his leg propped up against a small stool. He’d been able to pull on a pair of black jeans, a white button up shirt, and a pair of shoes, but he knew it wasn’t likely for him to be going anywhere that day. He pulled open his laptop and began working on paperwork and anything else the Dregs needed that day.
At eight, there was a knock on his door. He cleared his throat quietly before speaking up. “What?” His voice was more raspy than normal, but he hoped whoever it was wouldn’t notice. The door creaked open and Inej poked her head through the door. “Hello Inej.”
She gave him a small smile and stepped deeper into the room. “Good morning Kaz. Wylan’s making breakfast, would you like anything?”
The thought of putting anything down his throat almost made him wince in pain. He shook his head and turned his eyes back to the laptop. “How’s your leg?”
He should have known she wasn’t just going to leave. She’d slept in her own room the night before because both of them were having bad touch days, and he was ever thankful for that. He didn’t need to burden her with everything along with making her lose precious hours of sleep. “Fine.”
She took a step toward him and halted when she saw he was already wearing his gloves. They’d lived with each other for several years now, and there was a system in place for most things now. As long as he was consciously aware to have not put on his gloves, he was alright with most touch. They wouldn’t need to ask for permission to touch his hands, everything else was a mandated ask. If he had gloves on, don’t waste your time asking. Unless he asked for someone to touch him, remain far away. “I’ll bring you some coffee. If you need anything, please text or call out.”
He nodded shortly. He’d gotten better at asking for help. Sort of. It was still difficult, and half the time he wasn’t able to get any words out, but he’d made progress. Every time he made an effort, he saw her glow with pride, and he longed to see that look. See her eyes glimmer with happiness. Every time he was able to endure more touch without the waters rising and his brother making an appearance, he felt stronger and seeing her smile made it all worth it. As she stepped out of the room he hesitated. “Inej.”
”Yes my love?” She stood with her hand on the doorknob and waited patiently for him to figure out what he wanted to say. What he needed.
”Cough drops?” As if to prove his point, his throat started burning and he let out a few muffled coughs. She bowed her head in acknowledgment. “Right away darling.”
As the door shut, he turned his head back to the laptop. He had a lot of menial things he needed to complete, but since he wasn’t going to be making it into the office today he had nothing better to do. She came back after a few moments with Wylan on her trail. She placed a comically large white mug on his desk that was filled to the brim with coffee. It had been a gift from Jesper a few years ago with the words “World’s okayest boss” on one side and “I hate everyone” on the other. It was large enough to fit an entire pot of coffee when poured inside with room for cream or milk if wanted. She then placed a large bag of the honey cough drops they’d gotten the last time Matthias had gotten sick. Wylan stepped into the room and placed a large plate with peanut butter toast and an assortment of fruits on it. Along with it was a bottle of water, a mug of herbal tea, and a bottle of ibuprofen. Kaz felt his face morph into a scowl before he could stop himself.
He’d been trying to allow himself to relax whilst amongst friends, even if it was only with the five of them, and he hated it when he immediately got suspicious of them. He’d not asked for anything other than the cough drops, he didn’t need to be pampered like this, he didn’t need all of this. Even though he felt the beginning of a headache forming, and his throat burned he hadn’t asked for any of this. “The tea should help soothe your throat, and in case you needed it we brought you some medicine. Try to stomach some of the food, you hardly ate dinner last night. I’ll be back in a little while.”
Inej stepped out of the room and Wylan trailed behind her. “Wylan.” The boy stopped in his tracks. Thank you. “Make sure to shut the door on your way out.”
As much as he hated to admit it, the herbal tea did wonders to his throat. The steam and moisture helped to soothe the aching, and paired with the cough drops, he felt as though he could almost handle a phone call, perhaps a whole conversation with any one of the Crows. He’d taken the ibuprofen after a while when his leg began spasming from the pain. Other than struggling to get the tiny pills down, they didn’t seem to do any good. Kaz took a break from work and began massaging his leg gently, trying to help knead out any knots that formed from the constant movements throughout the past week and the restless sleep.
The day continued on, getting worse and worse with every passing moment. His headache persisted even with the medicine, his leg made it almost impossible to focus on anything else, and he was getting worse and worse news from the correspondence he’d worked on. Rotty had emailed him about the coming up job they were gearing up for, letting him know of the several snags in the plan. They weren’t difficult to solve, however this meant that they would have to push back their heist for several more weeks. Inej had come back into the room at around noon, and took away the uneaten food and the empty tea mug. He’d managed to shut the curtains to his room and only had the desk lamp on, hoping to mitigate the headache.
She walked away without a word, and came back with a fresh mug of tea and a new plate of food he most likely would not touch. He watched her back as she left, wishing he had the courage to speak up, beg her to stay. He wanted to be alone, yes, but he wanted to be alone with her. She always had a way of making even the worst of days more bearable. He wanted her to know what he wanted, wanted her to stay without him needing to ask for it. But he knew that wasn’t what was going to happen. Even though there were days in which he swore she could read his mind, she wasn’t supposed to. That was part of their agreement with their arrangement. He needed to ask for things. Needed to ask for what he wanted. She would gladly stay up here with him, he just needed to say the word.
He watched her leave, and as the door shut, lips remaining locked behind his lips, he allowed his head to rest on the desk in front of him. He wanted her. He wanted someone to be here with him. He wanted to be elsewhere. To stop being trapped in his room. But to get downstairs, he would need to ask for help. Need to have someone touch him, and even through several layers of clothes he knew it wouldn’t bode well for anyone involved.
It was closer to seven at night when Inej came back up to his room. He’d been able to stomach three bites of the sandwich she’d brought up, and he hated himself for it. He hated wasting food like this, but he also knew that anything more would have done more damage than good. He’d all but forgotten about the coffee she’d given him nearly twelve hours prior. He’d had a few sips, but the previously steaming liquid was now close to freezing. She asked if he wanted her to take it away but he declined. He would reheat it at some point and actually drink the caffeine. Perhaps that would help his head, help him to focus.
“Kaz, darling. We were going to head out to the theater. The local troupe is performing something that Nina and Matthias are dying to see. Would you like to join us?” She sat on the edge of his bed, still far enough away that they weren’t touching, that he didn’t feel suffocated. He yearned for her to be closer. To run her fingers through his hair, to feel her arms wrapped around his chest as she held him. He wanted nothing more than to go with her to the theater. He wanted to escape the chains that were this desk, forget the anguish he felt each time she walked out of his room. But then he thought of his leg, his headache, the ice outside. He couldn’t be touched. Crowds, and ice, and his bad leg were just calling for disaster. Despite how deeply he wished to go with her, spend time with the Crows outside of a heist, he couldn’t. Not now. Not outside. Perhaps if he could stand the touch of her beautiful skin on his own. Perhaps if he could walk without the aid of his cane. Perhaps if every loud noise didn’t feel like mirrors being shattered against his mind. Perhaps if he was a better man.
”I must decline. I hope the play is enjoyable for you all.” He watched her as her shoulders drooped in disappointment even though she schooled her facial features. She brushed a loose piece of hair from her braid out of her face. “Text me if you need anything. We’re only going to be about fifteen minutes away.”
He gave a curt nod and watched her leave once more. He feared she was angry with him, that she was beginning to be sick of him. She can only wait for so long. Only hold out her hope that someone as broken as him would be able to pick himself up enough for her to hold any of the pieces. It had been five years since she told him her terms. I will have you without armor, Kaz Brekker. Or I will not have you at all. He was no longer a seventeen year old boy. He’d been removing his armor one piece after another, but it seemed that with every piece he removed, three more took its place. It was unfair to her to beg her to wait for him, to wait for him to be ready. It would be better if he let her be free. He’d gotten her out of the Menagerie and freed her from the sex trafficking she’d been forced into, but he was just trapping her with something just as bad. He should let her be free, but he knew he didn’t have it in his heart to let her walk away. Not without trying everything in his arsenal to prove he was good enough for her.
Kaz finally slammed his laptop shut at around nine in the evening. The other Crows hadn’t returned just yet. He threw away the several cough drop wrappers that had begun covering his desk. Bracing himself for the pain, Kaz stood up, using the desk as leverage, and grabbed his cane from the wall behind him. He picked up the now freezing coffee cup and put his phone in his pocket. He would make it down stairs, reheat his coffee, then wait for the rest of them to return. He expected they would be making their way back home at around ten thirty that night, which meant he had a bit of silence before they arrived.
If it was a better day, if he wasn’t required to put more thoughts on his leg, if he wasn’t as exhausted, if he’d gotten restful sleep the night prior, if he didn’t have a headache, if he didn’t feel the invisible pieces of glass shredding his throat every time he swallowed, if any of these were not a factor, perhaps the rest of the night wouldn’t have turned out the way it did.
As Kaz began making his way slowly down the stairs, his cane slipped on something that shouldn’t have been on the stairs in the first place. Something that should have been put away, but was instead placed on the stairs as a reminder. Kaz felt the cane slip out from under him. He tried to catch himself with the next step, however his bad leg gave out from under him, causing him to trip down to the landing. The mug he held shattered beneath him, sending white porcelain all around him, and the coffee soaked his shirt. His head throbbed, and he weakly remembered hitting his head on the wall on the way down.
His shirt stuck to him, damp and freezing. He felt the waters begin to rise up first to his ankles, climbing steadily. He reached for his phone quickly, but it wasn’t in his pocket. He looked around wildly, and saw the phone had flown down the rest of the stairs, skittering to a halt in the entrance of the kitchen. His cane had followed suit and he couldn’t see it anywhere. He tried to remember any of the breathing techniques both his therapist and Inej had tried to teach him, but as the waters continued to rise and he started choking on the waters, he couldn’t breathe. He tried to take deep breaths, but all of a sudden bloated grey fingers found his face, his neck, his back, his legs, his mouth. He was back in Jakob Hertzoon’s basement, with the twenty other saps that had gotten caught unawares.
He’d promised Jordie and him safety after their father’s death, and promised them they would be okay. Hertzoon’s wife gave them food, their daughter played with Kaz as Jordie helped work with Hertzoon. It wasn’t until it was too late that they realized they weren’t safe. Many people would come into the house, but he never saw them leave. At one point, Jordie told him what he’d seen in the man's basement. They weren’t allowed to go into the basement, Kaz had argued. That was the only rule they had. They were safe and protected as long as they didn't go into the basement. That was where he worked and it wasn’t safe for kids. Jordie told him of the large metallic pool that covered most of the basement. He told him of the people swimming in the waters, but they weren’t moving. He also told him of the area that was sectioned off that smelled strongly of formaldehyde.
Mr. Hertzoon had told them he was a taxidermist, and Jordie had helped with that, getting a familiarity with the flammable liquid. Jordie had watched as Mr. Hertzoon poured the liquid over one of the extremely bloated bodies, and burned him. He waited until there was only bone left. Jordie had scrambled up the stairs after that, not knowing what was happening, just that him and Kaz had to go. They made it to the front door, and would have escaped if another strange man wasn’t waiting there. He grabbed both boys, knocking Jordie out quickly and placed a disgusting smelling rag in front of Kaz’s face. When he woke, Kaz was surrounded by bodies, some big, some small. He looked around and realized he was in the basement. Jordie was next to him, using his own hands to keep Kaz afloat as he was unconscious. The boys were shivering and there was no way out of the pool. It was deeper than they expected.
Jordie got sick first, and Kaz was soon to follow. They were given food and water by the mother, enough for them to not die yet, but not enough to keep their strength up. They tried to take turns sleeping, the other making sure their head stays above water. Jordie went to sleep, and he didn’t wake up. Kaz tried to shake him, make him wake up, but he just wouldn’t. But he would float. Kaz held onto his brother’s lifeless corpse, and tried to stay alive. He was still alive. He still clung to his brother when Mr. Hertzoon pulled him out of the water, and dumped the formaldehyde on them. He was going to burn them. But he was still alive. He was still alive, he wasn’t dead yet.
He watched as the match was lit, but never saw it fall. The door to the basement was kicked open and loud noises followed. The footsteps on the wooden stairs sounded like thunder, and the gunfire made his ears ring even though it was muffled by the water stuck in his ears. He wasn’t dead, please see that he wasn’t dead. His shirt clung to him, his brother’s shirt was sticking to his hands, and everything felt uncomfortable.
~~~~~~
Jesper watched as Nina pulled into the driveway. She was definitely not a good driver, but she was the only one with a car large enough for the five of them. The music was blaring too loudly for the time of night, but their neighbors had all but stopped complaining. Who would actually dare call the police on the most feared crime boss in the city. Actually, they probably should. That way there would be less crime, but then there would be no Kaz.
Inej sat in the passenger seat next to Nina and nodded her head along to the music. In her lap she held two separate bags of food from the burger place they’d stopped at. Jesper knew Kaz was going to like the burger they’d picked out for him. It had all his favorite spices, salt and pepper. Nina and Matthias were talking loudly over the music about the play, and Wylan sat next to Jesper, resting his head on Jesper’s shoulder. Jesper was happily messing with Wylan’s red curls, and he was excited for doing that some more later in bed. They all had white bags in their laps, making the car smell heavenly of all the different types of burgers and fries they got. Matthias had been tasked with holding the drink carrier with their shakes.
They all stumbled out of the car, Nina nearly face planting as she slipped on the ice. Jesper caught her quickly and gave her a wink. “Maybe we should have gotten waffles as well.”
”Nina, darling, I promise you will actually be full with these burgers. If you are not, I will personally ask Wylan to make you waffles.” Jesper said, righting her hoodie strings. How she was able to function with them off center like that was a mystery to him. Nina let out a snort and nodded. “I’m glad you didn’t offer to cook them. The entire house would burn down.”
”Very funny Zenik.” He said with a sarcastic laugh, although he knew she was right. He’d managed to start a fire when making cereal. The meal that requires no stove, microwave, or oven. Kaz had banned him from the kitchen for a month after that incident. Jesper walked to the front of the house and unlocked the door. “Honey, we're home!”
The house was quiet, and they all assumed Kaz had stayed in his room. They were all worried about him, but they knew he would just scowl and snap if they tried to push him too far even on a good day. They crowded in the entryway, all taking off their shoes and jackets. “For Saint’s sake, who left the A/C on?”
”It’s set automatically, remember? We’re generally wrapped in blankets and pajamas at this time, so we want cold air.” Wylan flicked Jesper’s forehead playfully as he took off his beanie. Matthias bent down to untie his own boots and stopped. He picked something up and held it in his hands with confusion. “What’s this?”
They all stopped to look at the small metallic crow figurine. It had a hole in the bottom where it would screw into something. Inej straightened immediately. “That’s the head of Kaz’s cane.”
Everyone stilled for a moment before they all rushed further into the house. They spotted the other half of the cane near the kitchen island, and his phone sat near the entrance of the kitchen with a fresh crack across the screen protector. Shards of white ceramic were scattered around the kitchen and into the living room. Inej pulled out one of her knives and began searching one half of the lower floor, as the rest did the same. Jesper pulled one of his guns from the coat closet and began scanning as well.
There was no one on the first floor of the house, and Jesper began feeling the worst. He walked toward the stairs and froze. He saw a shoe sticking upright on the landing, the rest of the body hidden by the rest of the stairs. “Shit, Kaz!”
He ran up the stairs two at a time. Kaz was half sitting half lying on the landing. His shirt was stained brown with what he assumed was coffee. The shirt was haphazardly torn open, some of the buttons ripped off in the hustle. Kaz’s bad leg was shaking in spasms. Kaz was clutching onto the leg with one hand, the other clutching the back of his head, elbow blocking his face. One thing Jesper knew for certain was that Kaz was breathing too quickly for comfort. He looked like he’d been in and out of consciousness. Jesper knelt next to him as the rest of the Crows came up the stairs. The shirt was still slightly damp from the spill, soft words sputtering out of Kaz’s lips, too soft to make out.
For a moment, none of them knew what to do. He’d been here for who knows how long, suffering from a panic attack, fell down the stairs, his leg was causing him more pain than they’d ever seen. They knew that touching him during a panic attack was one of the worst things they could do, but they couldn’t just leave him here on the stairs to suffer. They looked at one another, and in the end looked to Inej for the final say. She’d spent the most time with Kaz, was able to figure out what was needed before he knew she would make the final decision.
“Wylan, Nina, go push the ottoman against the couch and lay a few blankets out. Clear a spot for him to be placed where he won’t feel crowded. Matthias, when they’re ready, you and Jesper will carry him down the stairs. Once he is situated, we’re going to get him out of the clothes and into something warmer. And for Saint’s sake, don’t touch your skin to his own.” They all nodded and immediately got to work. Inej went to the thermostat and quickly turned the heat up, realizing Kaz was stuck there for who knows how long with cold air blasting at him from all directions. The cold always made his leg worse, and that couldn’t have helped at all. She ran to his bedroom and grabbed a pair of his warmest and softest pajamas. She knew when Matthias and Jesper began moving him when Kaz started shouting nonsensically, and she watched as he thrashed away from their touch.
~~~~~~
Slowly the water receded. He was taken out of the tank, out of the cold basement. His brother’s skin no longer clung to his own, he no longer felt the bloated flesh brushing against his.
Kaz felt a throbbing in the back of his head, stinging in his hands, and horrible pain shooting up and down his leg. Kaz opened his eyes, confused as to why he was on the couch in the living room. He suppressed a shiver, even though he was covered in what felt like five blankets. He no longer felt his gloves around his hands, and his heart rate began to pick up again. What happened? Where were his gloves?
“Demjin. Breathe. You’re okay.” Kaz’s head shot toward the sound of the voice, although he regretted that immediately as the pounding in his skull intensified. Matthias. Jesper. Wylan. Nina. Inej. They were all here, they were all looking at him with mixed looks of concern, pity, and terror. Jesper was holding a bag of frozen peas to his cheek. “What-“ he cut himself off with a cough that he couldn’t stop.
A warm mug was pressed to his lips and he took small sips, trying to soothe his throat. When he’d gotten his fill, Inej took the mug back and placed it on the coffee table. He tried again. “What happened?”
”We were hoping you could tell us, boss. We came home and saw you lying on the stairs. We moved you here, and tried to warm you up, get you to come out of your head.” Jesper’s voice was quieter than he ever remembered it to be. On the stairs? Why was he…
”I fell.” That much was obvious, but it was difficult enough to say. He knew they were waiting for something better than that, but everything was so difficult. He felt absolutely exhausted, he wanted nothing more than to go to bed and drift into an eternal sleep. But he couldn’t not yet. His tongue felt heavy as he tried to say what happened, as he tried to tell them all his weakness. “There was something on the stairs, I didn’t see it. Cane slipped, leg’s bad. Worse than it has been for a while, I couldn't catch myself. I tried to call for help, but my phone. I-I don’t know where it went. Couldn’t text or call.”
He would deny it if anyone asked, his voice did not start cracking more than it normally did. He did not start to cry, tears did not begin falling down his face. He had tried to call for help, get help, he wanted help. That was all Inej had ever wanted him to do, was be okay to be vulnerable, ask for help. And he couldn’t. He wanted to call Inej, to text Jesper, to do anything, but he couldn’t because his own body gave out on him, and instead of being able to just wait there peacefully because he couldn’t even move his damned leg without pain flaring up the entire side, his mind gave out on him too, sent him back to nine years old. “I tried to call, I tried. I- I promise I tried.”
He hadn’t wanted to suffer alone. He wanted help, he wanted someone to be there with him. He didn’t want to be alone when the waters rose, he wanted someone to be there with him to show him that he wasn’t going to die, that he wasn’t going to be burned alive. He didn’t want to be alone.
”Sweetheart, we believe you. I believe you.” Inej comforted him the best she knew how to, not touching him, using her voice to tell him that he wasn’t alone, that he wasn’t a failure, that he wasn’t going to die, that he wasn’t alone. Soon the rest of them joined in, expressing that they cared for him and they were sorry they hadn’t been home sooner.
He didn’t know how long they sat there for, but once he’d calmed down enough, they put on something on the TV, something for background noise. “Are you hungry at all? We brought back burgers.”
His stomach growled at the thought of food, and though he knew he wouldn’t be able to eat much, he needed to prove to himself that he could. He nodded slightly. Wylan went and collected all the bags of now slightly warm burgers and fries. “Kaz, would you want to switch rooms with Matthias and I?”
Kaz bristled at the thought. His room was the smallest, and that was for a reason. He was only one person, and he didn’t need much room. Matthias and Nina had the first floor master bedroom because they were the largest people who somehow managed to acquire too many things to fit in the room. “Why would I want that?”
”We’re on the first floor, you wouldn’t need to climb the stairs as much, especially on bad days. Also, it is your house. You own it, we just live here. It would kind of make sense for you to get the master bedroom.” Nina said slowly, trying to word everything correctly, so that he didn’t immediately shut down the idea.
Kaz immediately shut down the idea. “No. Everyone has a specific room for a reason.”
”You have yours to punish yourself though. Your room is always the coldest, is the furthest away from everything. It would be easier for you. It’s not a weakness.” Wylan shot back.
”I didn’t choose the room to punish myself. It was so that none of you needed to have it.” He didn’t want anyone to be suffering when they lived under his roof. They’d all suffered enough for one lifetime, he wasn’t going to add to it.
“But you’re suffering Kaz.” Matthias said softly. “I would not mind having the room up there. Perhaps the cold would remind me of Fjerda. It also takes more for me to get cold than anyone else. Let us take the room.”
Kaz was about to protest but Nina beat him to it. “I get that we have a lot of stuff, but we will make it work. Besides, if it gets too cold, I know Matthias will keep me warm at night.” She winked at Matthias, and his cheeks turned a light shade of pink.
It wasn’t very often that anyone left Kaz speechless. Half of the time he wouldn’t respond, but it wasn’t because he didn’t know what to say. He didn’t say anything for a long while. Accepting this would be weakness. It would be him admitting that he can’t brave a few stairs every now and again. It would be admitting that the cold air made his leg more painful than it should have been. It was weakness and it was vulnerability. He hated everything about this, but that was why he had to do it. He had to prove that he could be vulnerable. That he was removing his armor, he trusted them to know he was struggling. In a very small movement, he nodded his head. He let out a deep breath and looked at them. “Alright.”
He let his eyes wander to Inej’s and what he saw there made almost all of this worth it. She looked at him with pride, with admiration, with love. He was trying to be better for her. He held a hand up shakily through the blankets, and she took it gently, squeezing tightly. It was almost too much, it was nowhere near enough. They sat in silence for a moment before Jesper clapped his hands gently. “Let’s feast!”
They all sat on the couch, resting comfortably while watching the TV and eating their various burgers. Kaz didn’t make it too far into the burger or the movie, drifting into a much needed sleep. The others didn’t wake him, and when his body fell, Inej gently placed his head to her lap, the most comfortable pillow he’d once told her. She didn’t touch him any more than that, just a soft hand resting over mountains of blanket over his shoulder, and the other softly messing with his hair. Maybe one day, she would be able to massage his shoulders, his leg. Maybe one day, she would touch his hair down to his scalp and give it a massage. But for now, this was enough. He was slowly stripping away the armor he’d put up so many years ago, and she would patiently wait for him whenever he was ready.