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Alec couldn’t stop the constant guilt that had settled in the pit of his stomach and refused to budge. It wrapped him in a vice-like grip and threatened to suffocate him, slowly, painfully, until there was nothing but a shell of him left behind.
There was no reason for him to feel still guilty. Magnus got his magic back. Asmodeus was gone for good, Magnus had made sure of that. Alec is still strong as the head of the institute and even making good headway with the downworld. To make it even better, he is married to the most beautiful man he has ever laid eyes on. To the love of his life.
So, why couldn’t he shake the guilt? Why couldn’t he feel relief in the fact that Magnus was finally whole again? They could go back to worrying only about demon attacks instead of the queen of hell and Asmodeus, and worse yet, how he couldn’t figure out how to help Magnus through everything.
Yet, Alec still felt immensely guilty.
Why couldn't he let himself feel pride in the way that the downworld could finally trust him? Of course, it was still in the works, and some of them still didn't trust any shadowhunters at all, but it was a few steps in the right direction. The downworld cabinet was stronger than ever, working together to make the Shadow World a better place for everyone.
But, deep inside it still hurt him, an ache so deep within his chest that he couldn’t bear it anymore. He had managed to cause Magnus so much pain. It was all his fault.
Maybe if he’d never met Magnus, none of this chaos would have happened. Magnus wouldn’t have had to live so long without something that made him, well…him. Something that Magnus had for so long that it broke him to pieces to be without it. Alec didn’t deserve Magnus and Magnus deserved much better than Alec. He deserved someone who wouldn’t put him in tough positions, someone who wouldn’t choose someone else over him. How could Alec even claim to love Magnus after choosing Jace like that? His fault. His fault. HIS FAULT!
Magnus had been through so much…and all Alec did was add to that list of shit.
Alec sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. He couldn’t focus on any of the paperwork on his desk. He was overwhelmed. It was all becoming too much. Between the guilt he felt over Magnus, the shadowhunters rebelling against his rule, and the massive amount of paperwork piling on top of his desk, he was cracking under the pressure.
Suddenly, Alec felt a wetness on his cheeks. He pushed back from the desk and the never-ending piles of paperwork. He pushed the heel of his palms into his eyes, taking a deep breath and holding it for a moment before letting it out with a heaving sigh.
He felt suddenly anxious. Like he’d been electrocuted by a live wire. Something settled heavily in his stomach, making him feel nauseous.
He couldn’t stay in the stuffy office anymore.
He needed to train. Release some of his pent-up energy and quiet the bad thoughts that were bouncing around his brain.
Alec made his way to the training room, avoiding anyone and everyone at all costs. He didn’t bother putting on any protective wear and just started pummeling the punching bag.
When he felt all the repressed anger and stress leave him, he went back to his office, knuckles bleeding and feeling empty.
He did not bother to heal himself with an iratze.
…
Later, at around 1 am, he stumbled into the loft finding Magnus sitting on the couch, chairman meow on his lap while he read a book. He looked up when Alec shut the door. “You’re home,” Magnus said, tone drenched in relief.
Alec walked over to him and leaned down to kiss the warlock. “Hey,” he said softly, hiding his hands behind his back. “What are you still doing up?”
“Waiting for you,” Magnus said. “I was worried something had happened.”
Unbeknownst to Magnus, a flash of heavy guilt shot through Alec. “You could have gone to bed,” Alec said softly. Magnus shouldn’t have to wait up for him. It wasn’t fair to the warlock. “Everything was fine, there was just a lot of paperwork to be finished.”
“I wanted to make sure you were okay. You’ve been a little…off for a few days.”
Alec shook his head and said, “I’m fine, Magnus. No need to worry.”
“Alexander…”
“I promise, Mags. I’m fine,” he said a little sharper than he had meant to. It seems training didn’t help get all of his feelings out.
And that was the end of their conversation. Alec dashed away and slipped into the shower before Magnus could say anything else.
The warlock stood in the living area for a few moments in shock. Something was most definitely wrong with his Alexander. The shadowhunter hadn’t been short with him like that since Jace had gone missing. Well, not counting the break-up because of Magnus’s father.
Once Magnus got over his shock, he made his way to their bedroom. Alec was already out of the shower and was sliding on a pair of black sweatpants. “Alexander…”
Alec closed his eyes, seeming to fight an internal battle. “I’m fine, Magnus. Just tired.”
Magnus’s eyes flickered over Alec’s body, stopping on his raw, newly scabbed, and bruising hands. “What on earth happened to your hands, love?”
Alec immediately pulled his hands behind his back. “N-nothing, it’s nothing. Everything is fine Magnus, let’s just go to bed.”
“Alexander…”
“Just drop it, okay Magnus?” Alec snapped.
Magnus startled at the tone and Alec winced, immediately apologizing. “I’m sorry, Mags. I-” He cut himself off, squeezing his eyes shut against the onslaught of tears that threatened to spill from his eyes.
“Please, talk to me, darling,” Magnus said worry dripping from every word.
“I…” Alec paused for a moment, a defeated expression crossed his features. “I don’t know how to put it into words.” He started wringing his abused hands together, eyes shifting about nervously, looking anywhere but Magnus, and then finding a spot on the floor to stare at.
Magnus stayed quiet, waiting for Alec to gather whatever he needed to talk. “I- Mags, can…can we just go to bed tonight? I promise I will talk to you tomorrow.”
Avoidance, but Magnus could work with it. “Only if you’ll let me heal your hands.”
It was a compromise, one that Alec, albeit reluctantly, agreed with as he held out his shaking hands. Magnus allowed his magic to envelop the shadowhunter’s hands, gently, and carefully, to not hurt Alexander anymore. He caressed the callused hands as the warm blue light washed over them.
Magnus gently guided Alec to bed after that, both of them falling into the warm golden sheets. Magnus curled his body around Alec, chest pressed to the toned back of his shadowhunter, arms circling his chest, hand splayed flat just above his beating heart. Magnus pressed a kiss to the back of his head. “I love you,” he murmured.
“Love you too,” Alec said sleepily, sounding seconds from falling asleep. Magnus listened as Alec’s breaths evened out.
…
“-der! Alexander, wake up love.” Magnus's concerned voice reached his ears.
Alec woke with a start, eyes flying open to find a very worried-looking Magnus leaning over him. “Alexander, darling?” Before Alec could realize it was a bad idea, he pushed himself up, bumping his head on Magnus’s. He could feel his whole body trembling and his face felt wet. Alec frantically glanced around the bedroom, breaths coming out in shallow pants before his eyes landed on Magnus’s golden eyes once again.
“I’m so sorry, Magnus!” He cried, fresh tears making their way down his face.
Magnus was stunned into silence. An agonizing moment later he said, “Why on earth are you apologizing?”
Alec still couldn’t get a full breath in. “I hurt you!” He almost wailed. “If it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t have gone through all that.” The vague answer left Magnus even more confused for a moment.
Then, a look of realization crossed Magnus’s face. “Oh, my angel,” Magnus said, voice sad.
It was heartbreaking to see Alec break down into a mess of sobs. “You must know that I don’t blame you for any of that,” Magnus said, desperation seeping through his concerned tone.
But it was like Alec didn’t hear him. “I’m the reason you had to go to Edom and face Asmodeus. I’m the reason you lost your magic. If it wasn’t for me you-”
Magnus cut him off by touching the shadowhunter’s pale cheeks and pressing them gently. “Listen to me, my darling Alexander,” he said firmly, but not unkindly. “None of that was your fault. None of it, do you understand?” Magnus held Alec’s gaze for a moment, then, he leaned forward and pressed his lips to Alec’s forehead. And then again to Alec’s now closed eyes, still dripping with tears. And then to his nose, and each cheek, and finally to the soft lips. They tasted salty from Alec’s tears, but Magnus didn’t care. “I don’t blame you. You shouldn’t blame yourself. Besides, it’s all in the past now, my love.”
Alec looked like he still wanted to protest, but he wasn’t on the verge of a panic attack anymore.
Magnus laid Alec back gently against the pillows, laying partially on top of the shadowhunter. “I love you,” Alec said, voice wobbly with emotion.
“I love you, too, my angel,” Magnus replied, then kissed him so tenderly that Alec nearly started crying all over again.