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When Maddie had been called into at Headquarters that afternoon, it was quiet chaos. Scuttlebutt was that their Commander had clashed with Ambessa in some kind of raid in Zaun, a raid Maddie was alarmed to know nothing about. Before Maddie could do more than feel the edges of panic creep in, she’d been pulled aside and briefed of what they knew about what had happened in Zaun. She was in a cart a moment later, bound for the Kiramman estate with her heart in her throat.
There were no questions from Kiramman staff as she entered the house. They knew her well by now.
“Where is—” she asked.
“In the library.”
The library was just down the hallway from Caitlyn’s room, more maps and pins and thread than books these days. It was Maddie’s second favorite room in the estate. At the sight of Caitlyn standing tall in front of the table, she was able to take her first full breath since she’d gotten the news about the attack.
It was disconcerting to see Caitlyn surrounded by her advisors with her uniform jacket unbuttoned and her shirt untucked. Her hair was dark with water—fresh from a shower—and her face was bruised. Her rifle was propped against the wall, unusually dirty.
It was all worrisome, but Maddie would get no answers while Caitlyn was in a meeting. Caitlyn was uninjured at least, so Maddie was content to settle against the wall to eavesdrop on the planning. Caitlyn acknowledged her with a brief look—Maddie lived for these moments when Caitlyn was in her professional mindset but offered her a smile—before returning to the discussion.
Maddie gathered that they would be breaking from the Noxian forces. All she could think was… Finally. Finally Caitlyn could shed that weight, cut the Undercity loose, and move on with her life. They could move on together. These months had worn on her so much. She needed a vacation, stress relief, and something new to occupy herself with. Maddie would be there for her through it all.
There was a knock on the door. Caitlyn didn’t pause as George, the Kiramman’s stalwart butler, stepped inside.
“I can take the message,” Maddie murmured to him.
Instead of his usual absent smile, George ignored her and approached Caitlyn himself. He stepped into the circle and after Caitlyn’s quick nod of assent, murmured in her ear. Whatever he said made Caitlyn stop mid-sentence and leave without a word.
Maddie hid her concern with a smile as she looked at the four people Caitlyn had commanded here just to walk out on them. It wouldn’t be the first time.
“I’ll just go see what it’s about,” she promised.
She caught sight of the edge of Caitlyn’s boot as she turned the next corner and hastened to follow. By the time she turned the next corner, she could hear Caitlyn gasp, “Vi! Thank goodness. I couldn’t find you after—”
Maddie stuttered to a halt at the corner, her view clear when she saw Vi—was it though, with her hair dark, covered in soot?—push Caitlyn away with her palm flat against Caitlyn’s waist.
“I’m not here for another reunion.”
Caitlyn’s shoulders sank. Her arms dropped to her sides, and Maddie stared at the white-knuckled fists that Caitlyn made.
“I’m sorry about—”
“I’m not here for that either.”
“Condolences?” Caitlyn asked, her voice achingly soft. “No matter what form he was in, he was your father. And the girl...”
“Sure,” was Vi’s hard reply.
There was painful silence as Caitlyn studied Vi. It was a relief to hear her soft tone disappear into business. “Then why are you here?”
“I need two hexgems.”
Maddie couldn’t stop her gasp of outrage, but neither Caitlyn nor Vi heard her. Caitlyn’s beautiful face was sharp, but when she shook her head, it wasn’t the vehement denial that it should have been.
“I can’t, Vi. Whatever your sister’s plans, I can’t just give Jinx hextech.”
Ice flushed Maddie’s body. Vi was Jinx’s sister?! Caitlyn had never said, never breathed a word of it to anyone. Had it been to protect Vi? And after Vi had betrayed her. The entirety of Caitlyn’s suffering had all been to bring Jinx to justice, and she was bartering with Jinx’s sister for hextech?! How dare Vi come here to make that demand on Caitlyn?
Vi was shaking her head too. “It’s for me. For my gauntlets. Isha must have…” Vi seemed to choke, but she raised a hand before Caitlyn took more than a step towards her. “She took them.”
To Maddie’s horror, Caitlyn didn’t reply with an immediate denial. Then she said, “I’ll have two brought to you. How quickly?”
Maddie couldn’t think for a moment. Had Caitlyn, who didn’t trust anyone, truly just taken Vi at her word?
“A bell ago, but beggars can’t be choosers.”
“I’m afraid I can’t rewind time.” Maddie thought she was the only person who could earn that particular warm pitch and delivery. “But I can get them to you within the bell toll.”
“I can get them if that would be faster.”
Caitlyn reached out to touch Vi’s sleeve. “Why the rush?”
“Ambessa’s pushing through the lower ducts. The Firelights are in her path. They could be there within a day.”
“So quickly?”
“Are you really surprised she’d take out her anger at you on Zaun?”
“Vi, that wasn’t—”
“Look, it doesn’t matter. Just get me the hexgems and we’ll call ourselves even.”
“Even,” Caitlyn repeated flatly.
“Fine. I’ll owe you.”
“That’s not what I…” Caitlyn reached up and pinched the bridge of her nose. Maddie hated the tears she could hear in her voice. Caitlyn’s tone was off, thick and upset. “And what? You’re going to stop Ambessa and her army with your gauntlets alone?”
“If I have to.”
“I have forces—”
“The peanut patrol? Yeah, no thanks. Rather fight one enemy than two.”
“They’ll do as I command.”
“So you really were behind arresting half of Zaun for a peaceful protest? History just keeps repeating itself, doesn’t it?”
Caitlyn didn’t argue that point, but she should have. She’d argued it to Maddie until she’d shut down all conversation about it with a wall of silence. Instead, Caitlyn said, “Do you really have the luxury to dismiss aid?”
“You can take your fucking aid and shove it up your ass, Commander,” Vi sneered.
Maddie should have stepped in. She should have defended Caitlyn, told Vi how she’d intervened and blocked Ambessa’s worst ambitions, how Caitlyn was the best person to be in her position, but her entire self was caught in horrified silence as she watched Caitlyn step closer to Vi. Caitlyn’s arm rounded Vi’s waist, Vi’s eyes widened, Caitlyn looked at Vi’s lips, and Maddie was absolutely certain Caitlyn was going to kiss Vi.
Then Vi flinched and yelped, twisting out of Caitlyn’s grip. Caitlyn raised her hand, blood on her palm. “You were nearly gutted, then burned in a blast protecting your sister. Do you really think you’ll do anything but throw yourself on her spear?” Caitlyn’s voice took an exasperated tone that was so unfamiliar and animated that Maddie shook her head to hear it. Caitlyn opened her hand to gesture at the floor. “Vi, for god’s sake, you’re bleeding on my carpet!”
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure you have a butler to scrub the stains out.”
Caitlyn closed her bloody fist. “I’ll give you the hexgems. But while we wait, you will let my physician treat you. That’s the bargain.”
Vi looked at Caitlyn beneath her brows warily. Then she sighed and shook her head. “I don’t need a fucking physicker.”
“Didn’t you say the same thing when Sevika stabbed you? I seem to recall scraping you off the concrete that day too.”
Caitlyn’s tone had shifted to something so unfamiliar it took Maddie a moment to identify what colored it: affection. After all Vi did was prickle and flinch and sneer, Caitlyn treated her so softly. Maddie had the sinking realization that she’d never seen Caitlyn so...alive.
“Reductionist history,” Vi muttered. “Topsiders are famous for it.” Vi looked at Caitlyn again, her expression soft for the first time that entire conversation. Then she sighed and rolled her eyes. “Fine. Lead the way.”
Caitlyn turned and gestured for Vi to follow. Maddie flinched back into the corridor, squeezing her eyes shut. She burned with how she’d been made to feel like an interloper after months of walking these halls and sharing these rooms, after standing beside Caitlyn the way no one else could.
She held her breath as they walked past. Inexplicably, there was a smile on Caitlyn’s face. Maddie had been cataloging all of Caitlyn’s smiles for months, but she realized abruptly she’d had no idea what the real thing looked like until today.
Was it telling that Caitlyn was too busy looking at Vi to notice Maddie standing within three hands of her? Abreast, then beyond, and all Maddie could see was the way Caitlyn’s hand hovered just behind Vi’s elbow. The careful hope in that gesture was a gut-punch.
Maddie had to get over herself to do her job quickly since she was the officer dispatched to collect the hexgems. She reveled in her grief for a few minutes, she cried—but only for a moment—and then she buttoned herself up again and got on with it. She’d dealt with feelings like this before—though not quite to this degree—throughout her relationship with Caitlyn. Caitlyn’s distance had grown over the weeks, but Maddie had reassured herself with memories of how warm and attentive Caitlyn had been when they’d first begun. She’d never considered the fact that Caitlyn’s distance was entirely related to the fact she’d never been available in the first place.
Now Maddie had to walk into a room with Caitlyn and Vi and pretend she hadn’t just had her heart broken in two. Caitlyn’s quiet protests before they’d started their relationship about keeping their private and professional lives separate hurt all the more now. Caitlyn had been right to emphasize it and wrong to think it was fair to ask Maddie to compartmentalize.
With a steadying breath, Maddie gave her standard double-knock and pushed the door open to Caitlyn’s bedroom. A chair had been dragged into the center of the room, and Vi—
Maddie jerked her gaze away, stunned by nudity she hadn’t expected. It might only be the physician touching Vi, but Maddie couldn’t get the flash of what she’d seen out of her mind: Caitlyn standing over Vi, her expression soft with longing as she studied Vi from behind.
“Can’t you just staple me up again?” Vi griped with a brief, uninterested look at Maddie.
Dr. Renee was a normally patient person, but her voice was dry as she replied, “As I’ve already said, staples work for shallow wounds, but this is through the outer fascial layer of muscle.” Her hands were steady as she passed suture through the margin of a wound that made Maddie a little sick to see.
“Can you stitch me up a little faster, then?”
“Unless you want an unsightly scar—”
“Doc, all due respect, did you actually look at the rest of me?”
Maddie looked again despite herself. Vi was all muscle, scar, and ink. She was so much harder than Maddie remembered. She doubted she could imagine anyone more of a mismatch for Caitlyn than Vi.
“Maddie,” Caitlyn said in greeting.
It was a cooling balm on her aching heart that at least Caitlyn didn’t fall behind professional titles. Maddie wasn’t sure she could have taken an, “Officer Nolan” right now. She was a pathetic fool, but habits were hard to break. Maddie didn’t want to meet Caitlyn’s gaze, but when she raised her eyes, Caitlyn was too busy opening the box to look at her.
“Is that them?”
When Vi tried to stand, Caitlyn pushed a firm hand onto her shoulder to keep her seated. She shut the box with a snap and set it aside. “You made me a promise, Vi.”
“I don’t remember promises meaning much to you.”
“This isn’t the time.”
“And I don’t have time for this. Don’t you people have Shimmer lying around?”
“I’m all out of Zaunite apothecaries, I’m afraid,” Caitlyn replied dryly. Maddie prayed she wouldn’t cry when she saw Caitlyn’s fingers flex on Vi’s shoulder before she released her.
Suddenly, it was the most important thing in the world to get Caitlyn away from Vi. Maddie cleared her throat to say, “Your meeting with your advisors—”
“I’ve cleared my diary for today.”
“But the traffic guild—”
“Will wait,” Caitlyn replied, sharpness edging her voice. That particular tone was always a cut.
Maddie looked from Caitlyn to Vi and was dismayed that Vi was watching her warily. Maddie squared her shoulders. “May I speak with you, Commander?” Because she knew Caitlyn would give her the go ahead here, she said, “Privately.”
For one terrible moment, Maddie thought Caitlyn would deny her. After a long, considering look, Caitlyn nodded. When she stepped abreast of Vi, she looked down at her with that unfamiliar soft expression. “Listen to the doctor, angry oil slick.”
Maddie saw the barest hint of Vi’s smile. Then Vi said, “Fuck off, cupcake.”
Maddie burned at the sound of Caitlyn’s quiet laugh.
Caitlyn would go no further than the hallway. When she looked at Maddie, her expression flattened into that damned professional mask. Despite everything that screamed at her for caution, Maddie couldn’t temper her frustration. “What is this? You disappear for over a day, then all hell breaks loose when you get back?” Unvoiced was the protest: Why didn’t you send for me?
“My suspicions about Ambessa were confirmed.”
Maddie stepped closer, reaching out to touch Caitlyn’s arm, her concern superseding her anger. “I heard about what happened. Are you hurt?”
“Me? No. But—”
Caitlyn turned her head to look towards the closed door. Maddie felt the trod of a boot heel on her offered support. Caitlyn didn’t even look back at her.
“So Vi’s back now?”
“She’s not…” Caitlyn seemed uncharacteristically at a loss for words.
Still she wouldn’t look at Maddie. Maddie’s betrayal came roaring back, tearing away her caution. “And you’re promising her hexgems. She’s Jinx’s sister!”
“How did you—” Caitlyn looked at her with realization, and Maddie burned with shame despite herself. “Then I’m sure you already heard that the gems are for Vi’s gauntlets.”
“Caitlyn, you see a lie in everyone. What is it about her that makes you so blind?”
Caitlyn’s expression slammed shut. She drew herself up, her voice dropped to iron, and she finally looked Maddie straight in the eye to say, “I don’t have to justify myself to you.”
“No?” Maddie heard her voice break and hated herself for the weakness. “I would think that what we share means that you owe me at least some kind of explanation for this madness.”
Caitlyn’s mask cracked, and that hint of humanity was a shot of hope. Caitlyn sighed and managed an apologetic look. But, Maddie wondered, was it real? “Suffice it to say, the greater threat is our Noxian visitors. Once Ambessa is done with Zaun, she’ll move on to Piltover.”
“Let her have it then. Withdraw our forces and bolster our defenses, let them deal with the mess they’ve made, and—”
“I can’t do that.”
“You don’t owe them anything.”
Caitlyn’s lower lip shifted; she was clenching her teeth. Her head turned back and forth, her eyes dark as she seemed to look within herself. “I’ve done enough damage for ten lifetimes by standing aside.”
“So what? Now you’re a saint?” Maddie’s anger sent those words from her mouth without thought. Her heart thundered in her throat, and she shook with rage that made her half-blind.
“Excuse me?” The iron tone was back, but Maddie barely heard the warning in it.
“Admit it! It has nothing to do with your conscience and everything to do with her.” Maddie pointed towards the door. Despite her blinding emotions, she could see that Caitlyn’s pale cheeks were flushed. “I always thought you were logical, that you saw beyond emotions, but the moment you see her again…”
“What?” Caitlyn’s voice was even, so uncaring.
Maddie shook her head as she confronted the realization she’d been hiding from since she’d opened the box she’d just delivered.
The box contained three hexgems.
“You’re going with her, aren’t you?”
Caitlyn looked away.
Hot tears stung her eyes. She wiped them furiously, hating how childish they made her feel. She knew she was red in the face, that her nose would start running soon, and she could barely hear her shaking voice over her thundering heart. “She won’t accept enforcer aid so you’re going to follow her down there and… What? Throw yourself on Ambessa’s spear beside her?”
When Caitlyn touched her face, Maddie heard her breath catch as the thunderous rush of emotion inside her halted on the briefest moment of hope. Then she looked into Caitlyn’s eyes and felt her heart crack anew.
“You knew what this was before we ever crossed that line.”
Caitlyn’s face was like stone, beautiful and even and so unfeeling. Maddie used to write mental essays on Caitlyn’s smallest gestures: the quirk of her brow was a laugh, the pull of her lip was a brilliant smile, the kiss returned was a declaration of love. After seeing Caitlyn with Vi, Maddie realized after all these months that Caitlyn’s muted expressions and gestures were nothing more than what they were.
Now she couldn’t pretend that the brush of Caitlyn’s thumb against her cheek was truer than her even statement: “We made each other no promises.”
Because Caitlyn was right.
There had been a list before it all, presented to Maddie a week after she’d kissed Caitlyn the first time. The fact there was a list at all had been so Caitlyn that Maddie had been charmed by its existence. She’d been high on the fact her gamble turned into something more with someone like Caitlyn Kiramman. Then Maddie had read the list and hadn’t known what to think. Beyond the standard discussion about safe sex and consent were clauses that she’d never anticipated.
One: Their attachment would be a casual, purely physical relationship. But Caitlyn had said, “I’m not in a place right now to offer you anything beyond that.” Maddie had only heard the “right now”.
Two: It could be an open relationship. But when Maddie had said she didn’t have any interest in sleeping with anyone else, Caitlyn had agreed. So she had thought they were exclusive.
Three: They would stop if their attachment impacted their professional relationship. Maddie prided herself on the fact she’d compartmentalized so well, but with time, the lines blurred more and more. She hadn’t realized Caitlyn didn’t have the same problem.
Four: At any point, either one of them could walk away without hard feelings or justification. But every week that Caitlyn stayed signified to Maddie that Caitlyn’s commitment and attachment were growing and the fact that Caitlyn prioritized their romantic relationship over their professional one.
The list hadn’t actually been a formal contract, even if Maddie had teased Caitlyn about signing on a dotted line. Caitlyn had laughed warmly, and Maddie had agreed because, in retrospect, she hadn’t actually believed Caitlyn was capable of the very things she’d never lied about.
Maddie wished she’d had the foresight to anticipate the fact that Caitlyn was as unchanging as stone.
Caitlyn’s tone softened again. “Vi is… She’s the best person I know. I never forgot that, not even after…” Caitlyn dropped her hand from Maddie’s cheek, and Maddie squeezed her eyes shut as she was thrown aside again.
Best person I know.
“I can’t let her do this alone.”
The way she let you do all this alone?! And, even worse: What about me?! Maddie wanted to scream all those words out, to rage and hit and drag Caitlyn into her arms to shake her sense back into her. To make Caitlyn see her.
Ever oblivious to Maddie’s pain, Caitlyn’s mouth shifted into a half-smile. “I have to make this right.”
Then all of Maddie’s pain slipped away into numb disbelief as she realized the truth. Her voice was dull in her own ears.
“Does she know you’re in love with her?”
Maddie looked up in time to see Caitlyn’s chest expand in an unconscious breath. When Caitlyn’s face opened entirely in honest emotion, Maddie saw the truth of her words in that look.
Then, inexplicably, Caitlyn said, “It doesn’t matter.”
Sitting in her apartment with a snifter of whiskey in one hand—because some situations were too heavy for beer and too raw for wine—Maddie turned those words over again and again as she rotated her glass.
It doesn’t matter.
Was it a reflection on the fact that Maddie’s feelings for Caitlyn didn’t matter? Maybe. That was what built into a crescendo in her skull as she strode out of the Kiramman estate and into the streets of Piltover, her badge clutched in one hand as if she were a moment away from throwing it on the ground. (As if she’d ever quit her job for a woman.) It doesn’t matter because you don’t matter.
But, after a drink and time for reflection, Maddie decided the wound was deeper because it had nothing to do with her at all.
Caitlyn was right. She hadn’t made Maddie promises.
But Maddie had. Secret promises in her head, ones that reflected a clear future: a full career together; an introduction to Caitlyn’s father as her partner; a grand wedding in the wind gardens; a pack of loving, naughty children underfoot; a quiet retirement to the estate in the country; and all the fights, reconciliations, passion, and intimate togetherness that a lifetime together entailed.
Yes, Caitlyn had told her from the start that she couldn’t promise Maddie anything deeper than the physical. But as Maddie’s feelings grew, she assumed Caitlyn’s must be doing the same. She’d taken every shared look, every one of Caitlyn’s reciprocal laughs, every private joke or comment, every time they fell into bed together, all of it as evidence that her fantasy would be their future.
She’d fallen whole-heartedly in love with Caitlyn Kiramman, and without a shadow of the doubt it was the most important thing in the world that Caitlyn had never acknowledged Maddie’s feelings.
How could Caitlyn carry even an inkling of this longing for Vi and say that it didn’t matter?
“Maybe I don’t have a right cocking clue what love actually is,” Maddie murmured aloud before she tipped her glass and drank the whole thing in a burning gulp.
After all, if Maddie loved like Caitlyn did, she’d be beside her in Zaun right now, Caitlyn’s feelings for Vi be damned.
Maddie closed her eyes and existed in that realization for an agonizing moment.
“Fuck it.”
She sighed in exasperation with herself, climbed to her feet, straightened her uniform, and collected her badge and gun.
She might have been a blind fool for the entirety of her relationship with Caitlyn, but she wasn't going to let that stop her from doing the right thing, whether that right thing was for her ex-lover or her Commander.