Chapter Text
Stede awoke to someone gently shaking his shoulder. Groggily, he opened his eyes and squinted to see Ed sitting on Stede’s side of the bed, fully dressed in the clothes he’d been wearing when he arrived. Stede looked over him and then down at the backpack between his feet. “Ed?”
“Hey, good morning, Stede.”
“Ed, what’s going on? Are you leaving?” He couldn’t help feeling disappointed not to be waking up the same way he had yesterday morning, with Ed draped over his chest.
“Sorry, yeah. I have to go get ready for my stream. Back to work for me.”
“But why…?” Stede wasn’t sure where that question was leading, so he just blinked up at Ed, who frowned.
“Oh, mate, sorry. I didn’t want to wake you when I was just off showering and getting dressed. You really do sleep soundly, huh?” He ruffled Stede’s hair.
Stede stretched and smiled at him. “As much as I don’t want you to leave, I’ll get up and see you out.” When Ed stood, Stede swung his legs out of the bed and froze. There on his nightstand was the travel size bottle of lube. He looked up at Ed questioningly.
“Ah, yeah,” Ed said with a half-smile perking up one side of his mouth. “I’m leaving that here for you. In case you feel up to giving it a go when you’re ready. Maybe it’ll go easier by yourself. Just go slow, yeah? And I’m happy to answer questions or whatever you need.”
Stede felt his cheeks redden and avoided looking at the bottle again. Saying nothing further, he rose and followed Ed to the front door, pulling on his dressing gown. They stood there awkwardly, neither knowing what to say. “So…you have everything then?”
Ed checked his sides and chest as though looking for something in his nonexistent pockets. “I think, yeah. I’ve got everything. What about you?”
Stede looked down at his pajamas. “Oh, ah. I think I’ve got everything.”
Ed burst into giggles. “I don’t know why I asked that.” They stood awkwardly again before Ed held his arms out a little at his sides. “Maybe a hug?”
Stede grinned and stepped forward, wrapping his arms around Ed, resting his chin on his shoulder. Ed squeezed him tightly around the waist and buried his face in Stede’s hair. Stede lost track of time until Ed pulled away. He did so slowly, shifting his hands to Stede’s hips, and then to his elbows, down his forearms, and finally to his hands which he grasped with a gentle squeeze. They both stared at their hands clasped together, breathing slowly and deeply.
“All right, then,” Ed breathed quietly. “I have to go. Thank you for this, Stede.”
Stede met his eyes, finding a happy warmth there. “Thank you for being here.”
After one final squeeze of his hands, Ed opened the door and stepped outside, letting Stede hold the door open as he stood in the doorway. It seemed to take Ed forever to get to his car because he kept looking back to smile. Even when Ed had disappeared from view, Stede watched after him. With a heavy sigh, he closed the door and leaned against it. Looking into the living room and seeing the chrysanthemums on the coffee table in front of the couch, hearing only the clock ticking on the wall, the birds outside, even the hum of the refrigerator all the way in the kitchen. The house had never felt so empty or quiet, so barren and cold. The places where Ed had fit so perfectly were now filled with nothing, as though they had been sterilized of his presence. Only the flowers, and the turquoise lacquer on Stede’s fingers, and the leftover snacks—and that lube in his bedroom—were evidence that Ed had been here. Little pieces that would also disappear in time. The snacks would be eaten, the nail polish would flake, the flowers would die. The lube…well, Stede supposed he could bury it in the bottom of a drawer in the auxiliary wardrobe because he still hadn’t processed all that, and for now he felt it was best not to process it yet. So he would bury it.
He moved the flowers to his office and then returned to the kitchen to make himself some coffee rather than tea. He realized he ought to be at work, but he was the president as well as the CEO and really, everyone could just fuck off for once. Besides, it would be nice to be here when the children arrived. Of course, he missed them, though he felt somewhat guilty that maybe he didn’t think about them as often as he probably should have this weekend. But now he felt their loss. He was still in his pajamas and dressing gown and on his second cup of coffee when Alma and Louis spilled into the house, screaming with excitement to be home after a long car ride. They dropped their little suitcases and ran to give Stede hugs and kisses while Mary struggled through the door with a suitcase and paintings. Stede laughed as he helped her drag everything in, and once she was fully inside with bags and canvases settled, she looked at Stede with concern.
“Are you feeling okay? Your eyes look a bit red and puffy.”
Stede patted his eyes as though he would be able to feel what she was seeing. They did feel dry, and he guessed that their redness and puffiness were side-effects of last night’s breakdown in Ed’s arms. “Oh, ah. I think maybe these flowers kicked up some allergies.”
When he indicated the chrysanthemums, Mary’s lips parted in happy surprise. “That’s so cute! Did Ed bring those? How was your slumber party?”
“He did bring them! And some snacks. There are leftovers, so the kids can have some, and obviously you too, if you like. But, yes it was quite lovely and fun. And, it would interest you to know, we painted our nails!”
He held up his hands to show her and she admired his fingernails. “That’s great, Stede. So, like, anything else?”
“Well, I tried to make him pancakes until he discovered I don’t know how, and he made a really extraordinary breakfast like it was the easiest thing in the world. We also had Thai food and watched Sense and Sensibility. Oh, and he took a bath in the soaker tub.”
“And…that’s all?”
Stede was confused, trying to think of what part of that wasn’t enough and why Mary was expecting more. “Yeah, that was pretty much it. How about you? How was the art weekend?”
Mary told him all about their weekend, had plenty of things to say about Doug, how wonderful he was with the children, and how well they all got on. She showed him their paintings, which Alma and Louis expounded on with all the expertise of a tenured art history professor. Stede found his attention waning a few times while Mary described their adventures, his mind sneaking off to spend time with his memories of Ed sitting on the couch and explaining why he got emotional over being told he was beautiful, or when he rested against Stede while watching the movie. He hardly noticed when Mary had stopped talking until he heard her sharply call her name.
“Sorry, what?” he asked, his mind snapping back to the moment.
Mary pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes at him for a moment. “Nothing.” Then she called to Alma and Louis to help her bring their things to their rooms so she could help them put things away and sort their clothes.
And just like that, everything was back to the way it was. Except it wasn’t. The impression of Ed lingered like a ghost. Stede felt haunted. Even after the flowers died three days later, even after the nail polish had begun to chip. He’d gone and hidden that lube away. He was back in Ed’s Twitch streams wreaking havoc in the chat. He was back to texting Ed fun little pleasantries. And Sunday seemed like it had been nothing more than a dream. Stede was back to waiting for Saturday, He was back to suffering through Thursday thoughts. He was back to lying in bed alone, staring at the ceiling until he fell asleep to oboe concertos. It used to feel like enough. The thrill of seeing Ed in his little box on the computer screen. But now it felt like there was a gulf between them. Stede almost started wishing Ed had never stayed over.
He missed him.
He wanted him back.
He wanted to smell his scent again, feel the warmth of his body against him, the weight upon his chest when he woke up every morning. He was bereft.
What felt even worse was Ed did not seem to be suffering these same feelings. He was entirely the same as he always had been. Stede most certainly did not leave the same impact, maybe no impact. Ed was used to having friends around. Stede was just another one to add to the pile. But Stede had so few, so he supposed he would be prone to attach too much. So Saturday would have to suffice. He would give Ed his sticker and Ed would attend Stitch n’ Bitch and go back home to stream, and it would have to be enough until Stede could hopefully find another way to hang out outside the library like they planned. Planned? Suggested. And Stede would have to bolster himself against Ed letting him down easy because it would be unlikely that he would have time outside his schedule. He still had to read for the book club, and for Summer Reading Club. He had to take care of his succulents. And he had to do all the adult things that one must do. Hanging out with Stede outside the library was doubtlessly at the bottom of the list.
At least there were Saturdays.
“I swear to God, Stede, if you don’t tell me every tiny detail about your weekend date with Ed, I will kill you!” Lucius complained as he entered the Adult Department.
“Good morning to you, too, Lucius,” Stede replied with a sigh.
“Okay, I’m guessing it went well because we’re back to looking like a whore. The biceps are out, the pants are hugging your ass, and your chest hair is bursting out of your shirt. So tell me how well it went and what you did and where you did it.” Lucius had one hand on his hip and the other drumming on the countertop.
Stede scoffed. “You really need to mind what you say to me. All of that is quite inappropriate.”
“Well that’s me all over. But it doesn’t work as an excuse for you not to give me a full report.”
Stede knew Lucius wouldn’t leave him alone until he gave him something, so he said simply, “It went well.”
“Stede, that isn’t a detail and you know it. If you think I’m annoying now, you aren’t ready for how annoying I can really be. So it’s best just to tell me so you don’t find out.”
“Ugh, fine! It was a lot of fun, okay? Ed brought flowers, nail polish, and snacks. He made breakfast and painted my nails. We watched a movie. He took a bath. And those are your details, and I’m sure they are more than satisfactory.”
“They are not satisfactory actually. What do you mean he brought flowers and painted your nails and made breakfast and took a whole fucking bath?”
Stede glared at him. “What more is there to say? That’s all pretty straightforward.”
“Actually, it isn’t straightforward. Like. At all. What kind of flowers?”
“They were chrysanthemums that you find at the front of a convenience store near the check out counter. Last minute purchase just for fun.”
“Hmmm, or planned with the illusion of nonchalance. And now tell me about this breakfast. He made breakfast in your house? What did he make and why was he cooking for you?”
Stede sighed and rubbed his temples. This would be a long morning. “He took over making pancakes because I’m bad at it. And then he decided to add eggs and bacon.”
“Okay, and what’s this about nail polish? I don’t see any on your fingers. And he painted your nails for you? That’s an awful lot of touching.”
“Lucius, this is all really absurd and tiresome. I chose turquoise nail polish and he did the painting part because he’s good at it. Just like he’s good at cooking and pretty much everything else.”
“Fine, fair. But the bath. I need to know more about this. Did he ask to take one? Did he ask you to help him take one? Where you anywhere around in the whole bath process?”
“Really, Lucius! I drew it for him, okay? Goodness! It was a relaxing bubble bath. I filled the tub for him and left towels and fresh pajamas and then I left him to it.”
“You gave him pajamas? He didn’t bring his own?”
“No, I told him I’d have some for him. Linen ones which would be nice for the summer.”
“Okay, so after bath time? What happened next?”
“I made us tea to bring to bed.”
Lucius seized his arm. “What do you mean bring to bed? Stede, oh my God, did you share a bed? You shared a bed didn’t you? Blink once if you shared a bed, Stede. Oh God tell me!” Stede felt his cheeks redden, despite all his internal begging not to blush, but Lucius caught him. “You did! You did! Holy shit, you shared a bed. Oh my God, I might die over this. What did you do in the bed, Stede?”
“We slept.” Ed’s voice interrupted them, and they both turned to see him raising an admonishing eyebrow at Lucius.
“Oh my God, you’ve confirmed it!” Lucius started fanning himself. “All of my dreams have come true. Well, not all of them, but it’s a start.”
“What are you talking about?” Stede demanded, feeling a bit panicked. He looked at Ed, but he seemed calm as ever, entirely unmoved by Lucius’s interrogation.
“Jesus Christ, Stede,” Lucius whined. “Nothing. Just go ahead and stay in your oblivious corner. By the way! I do hope you’ve read today’s book for my book club!”
“Yes, I’ve read it! I always read them, Lucius!”
“Good. Well, I hope you also found it elucidating, but if not I have another book for next month with a similar theme.”
“Speaking of book club,” Ed interrupted again. “I have my next book review.”
“Wow, already, Ed? That was fast. You’re one review away from completing the Summer Reading Club and being entered into the raffle!” Stede exclaimed happily, watching as Ed pulled out a crumpled few sheets of paper from his back pocket.
“Yeah, and I’ll finish that one easily. It’s a short book. And also I want the basket prize. With the big bow.”
“I have faith you will,” Stede promised.
“Hang on,” Lucius warned. “Only if he wins the raffle for one of those prizes.”
“Oh, I’m certain he will,” Stede said slyly, trying out one of those winks Ed always tossed at him. He hoped it looked as graceful as Ed’s normally did. He supposed it must have because Ed gave a cheeky grin in reply. “All right, let’s see your review.”
Ed’s Book Review: Midwest Medicinal Plants by Lisa M. Rose
My favorite character in The Witcher 3 is surprisingly not Geralt. It’s this minor character named Tomira. She’s an herbalist, which means like an apothecary doctory person. She sells medicinal plants and potions that you can buy to help boost your skills to kill monsters. But she also is part of the story towards the beginning of the game. She’s warm and kind and strong and pretty, and also one of the very few people who respects Geralt and treats him like a human. The great thing about that game is also the bad thing about the game. It’s so immersive that you kind of lose yourself in Geralt’s loneliness and his rage that’s simmering under the surface when people just continue to pile insults on him after he just saved their fucking town. I think when you have a lifetime of people treating you like shit, it just stands out and feels like you just saw heaven when someone finally treats you like a person. I identify with that a lot. Probably not the healthiest game for me to play, but fuck, it is so real.
You talk to Tomira for all of like 3 minutes and you can give her a potion to help her friend and that’s pretty much it. But she just really stood out to me, I think because she sort of reminds me of my mom. So I got a bit hyper-fixated on the whole potions making and ingredients collecting, and I guess I kind of just liked picking flowers? That’s partly why Izzy didn’t want me to play this game and got pushy when one time I spent an entire two hour stream collecting ingredients for potions. What’s wrong with fucking picking flowers? It’s literally part of the game. Some people just don’t get it.
I got excited when I saw a book on medicinal plants which you can actually in real life go pick in the wild or grow on your own like some kind of medieval healer. This book is specifically for Midwestern plants. And I thought holy shit, I can be like Geralt in real life and go out and pick flowers and crush them in a mortar and pestle. Not so sure about mixing potions, but I guess you can make different types of tea to go with whatever you’re feeling. Maybe you have insomnia (I do), maybe you need to relax (I do), maybe you need to concentrate (I do), maybe you need to improve your stamina in the bedroom (I don’t, heh *wink* *nudge*), etc. And I like tea. Prefer it to coffee and energy drinks, even though I drink that shit more often than I should. But tea is just…great. Don’t know how else to describe tea.
Anyway, that was a really long introduction, but it was necessary because I think that it helps to explain why I chose this book instead of a novel. This book is over 300 pages long and is organized by herb/flower in alphabetical order. The preface is about the author’s journey to becoming an herbalist – actually used that word. Maybe she’s the real incarnation of Tomira. The next section has the basics of how to be an herbalist with a paragraph on “Gear for the Field” and yeah, I definitely made a shopping list and dragged my friend Annie with me to buy shit. She gave some pushback when I asked her to come with me to buy tools until I told her it’s for gathering medicinal plants and I’m not buying miter saws and bit screws. I don’t even know what miter saws and bit screws are. Pretty proud that I know the words. If I ever need them, well that’s what Izzy is for. I made Annie ask questions because the person running the shop looked really scared of me because I’m so tough and scary looking. Ok, I lied. It was actually because I was a little shy and Annie’s a very extroverted hippie weirdo who knows words and shit relevant to buying tools for picking flowers. In the book there’s all kinds of information I would never have expected is a thing, like different types of soil???? I think I need to buy an apron now. I like the thought of going into my apothecary and putting on an apron. Got a little overwhelmed by selections I found online, so I’ll have to think more about what I would like to wear in my apothecary.
And hang the fuck on, Lisa even has a section on stocking your home apothecary. I probably got ahead of myself because I went online and bought a whole bunch of mason jars that came with these little dainty wooden spoons so I can put herbs in them and replicate the aesthetic from the book – wow, I’m even writing like a medieval healer now wtf? Aesthetic? But yeah, I got all the stuff to make a home apothecary and I think I’m going to need a bigger flat. For now, I started reorganizing my dining room that I don’t use anyway and began planning out the space to turn it into my apothecary. Izzy just looked at me sadly when he saw all my weird shit on the table because he gets a little tired of my half-baked plans that often don’t go anywhere. Honestly, I’ll give him that one. He's not exactly wrong. I tried loads of stuff like wood carving and just didn’t go far. But this feels like the knitting thing, and I think it’s going to take because I’ve been growing those cactuses and they’re doing all right. I think I can graduate to lemongrass or cilantro now.
Then there’s a section on actually making plant medicines, which I’m not so sure about because knowing me, I’d get bored with making sure the measurements are right and then I’ll overdose on dandelions or some shit. But it seems like it would be cool to play with anyway and just not consume what I mix together. There are all these really cool words like tinctures, salves, infusions, decoctions which, if I may quote so I get the meaning right: “A decoction is a longer steep of the herbs in water, usually while over heat, and generally for 20 minutes of more, A decoction is best used to extract minerals from plant material. A decoction is simple to prepare: add the water and plant materials and simmer for 20-30 minutes” (pp. 21-22).
The next chapter is a season by season harvest guide that not only tells you when you can find what plants, but also the general landscape where you can find them. So you’re not tromping through a forest blindly hoping you’ll come upon some random wild strawberries that you would probably find in grasslands instead. Lisa also recommends making a map, and I started freaking out because what the FUCK, a real fucking map like in a video game??? SIGN ME THE FUCK UP! Hand-fucking-drawn, illustrations, enigmatic folding that drives you crazy when you try to fold it up again. Where do people hire cartographers these days?
Finally on page 35 you get to the actual catalogue of plants. I find it amazing how much information she packed into the previous 34 pages, but at the same time it’s not overwhelming because it’s clear. Each catalogue entry has the name of the plant, lists the parts of the plant that are used for medicine, a photograph, how to identify, when/where/how to harvest it, medicinal uses, future harvests, and a RECIPE for a fucking potion. Listen, I got really excited when I saw the recipes because I started imagining the sounds of glass jars with hand-written labels clinking together when I’m trying to sort through them on shelves to find the potion I want. I like the sound of glass jars clinking together. I might get a soundtrack of that and just play it on loop in my apothecary. Maybe even have other sounds, like pouring sounds, boiling liquid sounds, mortar and pestle sounds, crushing seeds sounds. That would be badass.
An aside: I went off to YouTube to see if they had apothecary sounds, and there are a lot of videos. I made a playlist. There are also videos for making potions! So I made a playlist of those, too. And they’re also giving me ideas on how to furnish my home apothecary. This is so much fun what the fuck?! Really hope my landlord doesn’t pop in here to see my weird rooms. Got my sound proofed game room and an apothecary now. I think this is why people buy houses…
At the end of the catalogue there’s a handy metric conversions chart, which is useful but not entirely necessary because you can just look it up online. But I think it does go with the whole vibe of the book. All that math kind of makes it seem scientific – which it is, but I feel like it’s also an art. There’s also a bibliography if you want to study more, and an index. I went through it to sort of plan a potential outing or outings for gathering these things, but I’m not really sure when I’d have time and whether I’m even allowed to harvest things. The book recommends making sure you get permission from property owners first. I found a really cool set of medicinal plant seeds (36 varieties!) and thought I could try my hand at growing some before I start sawing bark off an oak tree in someone’s garden in bumfuck Iowa or wherever just to make like hand cream or something. I also found at-home greenhouses with temperature gauges and lights and plastic covering, so I ordered one and I’m waiting for it to arrive so I can set it up in my home apothecary. It’s all still a work in progress and mostly scattered on the floor and dining table, but I have a good feeling about it all. Plus, it will add a lot of oxygen and greenery. Some of these plants can also be used in cooking, which I think I’m pretty good at.
The thing I like about the writing in the book is it’s not just easy to follow, but it feels like Lisa is teaching us everything she learned along her herbalist journey, and like we’re reading her success story. I find that really encouraging, like she’s our cheerleader and really thinks we can do all of this even if we don’t really think so ourselves. She believes in her reader. That’s just really refreshing. Glad I read this.
“You know, Ed, you choose the most interesting books. So diverse. And I love your enthusiasm for all of them, and that you find them so inspiring. Look at this Lucius, it’s a book on medicinal plants and it’s encouraged him to expand his plant collection.”
“Wow, cool,” Lucius said dryly, followed by a muttered, “Such dorks.”
“Well, naturally this calls for a sticker! Another cactus one, to keep up with the monthly Plant Club theme.” He shuffled through the stickers and pulled out a fun one and stuck it to Ed’s shirt. I’m prickin’ awesome!
Ed giggled when he saw the words. “You’re so silly!”
“Thought you might like that,” Stede said, joining him in giggles.
“So, I came here a bit early, but, you know. Thought it would give me more time to hang out before Stitch n’ Bitch. I’ve got to, uh,” he tapped his sticker, “stick around for a while.”
“Dork,” Lucius mumbled.
Stede ignored Lucius and laughed merrily at Ed’s silly joke. “Well, listen. Why don’t we go back to the office and have a cup of tea together.”
“What?” Lucius cried. “Are you seriously going to just leave me here by myself without even asking first?”
“Yes,” Stede said flatly, as though there was nothing more to be said on the matter. Paying no mind to Lucius’s sputtering in protest, Stede stepped around the desk and led Ed to the office. Once inside, he pulled out Lucius’s office chair for Ed to sit while he turned on the kettle. “This is going to take awhile. American voltage,” he explained, rolling his eyes.
“That’s okay,” Ed responded, looking up at Stede with eyes filled with childlike wonder.
Stede was mesmerized for a moment too long, having somehow forgotten all about the tea before shaking himself back into reality and dropping plain black tea bags into “St. Augustine Public Library” mugs. They waited in silence while Stede tapped his foot impatiently and cast around in his mind for something to say. He shot a weak, nervous smile at Ed who was still gazing at him with that same expression.
“So,” Stede began, awkwardly, adjusting the mugs on the table. “How have you been since we—since Sunday?”
Ed frowned. “Lonely.”
Stede raised his eyes to look at him in surprise. “Lonely?”
“Yeah,” Ed replied mournfully. “I know it was only a day and two nights, but it felt like forever—in a good way! And I guess I got used to being around someone who made me feel…nice. Happy. Easy. Safe. And when I got home Sunday it felt like someone took my life’s troubles and magnified them until they felt like they swallowed me up. For a while, I thought I was done feeling all the shit, but being back in my flat it all seemed to come screaming back to me. It felt cold and empty. That’s partly why I took up the herbalism hobby. Fills my space with something new and interesting. I’ll probably work on, like, tea recipes or some shit. Make it cozy in there. But also I…I really missed you, Stede.”
Stede breathed a sigh of relief. “Ed, it makes me so happy to hear you say that because I felt the same way when you were gone. Didn’t realize how empty the house could feel without you in it.”
“Really?” he asked in awe.
“Mmm,” Stede replied, finally pouring water in the mugs. “Oh shoot, Ed. There’s no milk in here.”
“Oh that’s okay, mate. I’ll drink it straight. I’ll be brave,” he said with a chuckle, taking the mug when Stede handed it to him. “Seems weird to feel all that, huh? It felt like we’d been hanging out all our lives, and then, poof, gone. And even though you were in the streams, you just felt so far away. Sleeping sucks now, too. I blame you and your fucking cloud of a bed.”
Stede laughed. “Yeah, I know what you mean about that. My bed feels enormous now.”
“You liked me sleeping with you?” Ed asked, peering playfully over the lip of his mug while he took a sip.
“Actually, yes. Which is saying something. It always annoyed me to share before. But…” he trailed off remembering how nice Ed’s warmth and weight had felt. “I was thinking of getting a weighted blanket. I didn’t know I liked things on top of me until you were.”
Ed choked on his tea and was racked with coughs for a few seconds. He wiped his mouth and gaped at Stede. “Warn a guy before you say something like that!”
Stede furrowed his brow in confusion. “What do you mean?”
Ed only sighed in reply. “Weighted blanket sounds nice. Maybe I’ll try that too.”
“A body pillow seems more suited to you,” Stede teased. “Since you were wrapped around me. It might be something nice to sink your body into.”
Ed groaned and slapped his palm to his forehead. “Steeeeede.” He shook his head while laughing into his mug. “Body pillow and weighted blanket maybe.”
“Why don’t we plan to hang out again soon, yes?”
Ed nodded and swallowed another sip. “Yeah, next time you have to come to my flat, okay? I can host you and cook stuff for you. Make you artisanal teas in my apothecary. Show you my shitty tub so you can act all superior because yours is made for a fucking king. And you can see my gaming room. Give you a nice behind the scenes tour.”
“That sounds fantastic, Ed. Maybe it can be a treat after you complete the Summer Reading Club.”
“Oh I see. One of the prizes is getting Stede Bonnet to make a house call, eh?”
“Maybe.”
“Well, I’ll take that but I’m also holding out for the basket with a bow. Like the stupidly huge ones they put on new cars.”
“Hmm, I have a feeling, Ed,” Stede said connivingly, “you’re likely to win the basket.”
Ed grinned, raising his mug to his lips and winked. “I have no doubt.”