Chapter Text
I should feel safe in the lair. I should, but I don't. Mikey and Donnie’s laughter echoes faintly from the sitting area, their banter punctuated by bursts of sound effects from the TV as they throw themselves into the video game that they're playing. But it’s not enough to drown out the hum of my anxiety, the war of my inner world.
I pull my knees tighter to my chest, wrapping my tail around me like it might hold me together. The headphones Donnie altered for me help—muffling the worst of the noise, softening the sharp edges of the world—but I still can’t shake the feeling that my doom is lurking right around the corner.
My eyes are glued to the exit, to the shadowy space beyond the turnstiles. It feels like I’ve been sitting here for hours, my stomach knotted, every muscle coiled tight. I know it’s irrational. The lair is hidden, underground–protected by literal ninjas who keep insisting it’s the safest place I could be. But my brain doesn’t care. Every time the faintest noise drifts in from the tunnels, I’m sure it’s Karai. I’m sure she’s found me. I’m sure she’s here to drag me back to Valtor. I'm so tired of being sure that I almost wish it would happen.
A lump rises in my throat, hot and bitter. I dig my claws into my knees and breathe through it. Focus. Focus on the quiet. On the fact that nothing is actually happening. But the quiet isn’t comforting—it feels like a trap waiting to spring.
“Vic?”
Leo’s voice cuts through the haze, startling me. Pulling the headphones down around my neck, I snap my head up to find him standing a few feet away, his blue eyes steady, full of concern. He crouches down so we’re closer to eye level, like he’s trying to make himself less intimidating.
“How you doing today?” he asks, soft but direct.
I flinch under his gaze. My heart skips, and for a second, I think about telling the truth. About admitting that I’m not okay, that I’m terrified and barely holding it together. But I can’t. I can’t bring myself to say it out loud. “I’m fine,” I mumble, looking away.
Leo doesn’t buy it. I can tell. His silence stretches, heavy and unrelenting, and when I glance back at him, his expression hasn’t budged. “Mind if I join you?”
My heart pounds. I don't want to reject him, but I get the feeling he'll be disappointed with me either way, given enough time. “I… I'm not very good company right now.” Or ever.
He sits down anyway. “It seems like you've got a lot on your mind. You don't…have to talk about it, if you don't want to. But I just want you to know, we're here for you.” He smiles, leaning back to relax a little.
How does he do that? He's so inviting. So calm–everything I wish I could be. And…why am I just noticing how pretty he is?
I jerk my head away, blushing. Is it weird to be attracted to a mutant? Well, probably not that weird, considering I'm one myself. But what if I wasn't? My mind is still the same as before, isn't it? Only my body has changed. Oh, this is weird. Stop thinking, Vic.
“Sorry, am I bothering you? I can leave, if you'd rather be alone.” Oh no, I've upset him already, and I haven't even opened my mouth!
“N-no, sorry! I–I'm just not very good at holding down conversations,” I admit lamely, my blush intensifying. My tail slaps the floor in agreement. “You're right though… I do have a lot on my mind. Too much, actually.” Sighing, I rest my head on my knees. “That's nothing new, though.”
“Oh, that's a relief,” he chuckles, brightening a bit, “I was starting to worry you didn't like me, or something.”
I gape at him and say, “That's exactly what I'm always thinking about everyone, but with me.”
He snorts out a laugh. “I wouldn't worry if I were you. You're pretty easy to like.”
My heart jumps up into my throat. “That's definitely news to me. But… thank you.” A small smile forms on my face. And then hastily I add, “Y-you're easy to like too!” Oh, god, was that too forward? Am I being weird? I should have just kept my mouth shut!
But he just grins and says with mock-smugness, “Why, thank you for noticing.”
I can't help but laugh. Oh, no, he's charming, too. I should say something charming back now, right? Isn't that how you get people to like you? Think, Vic, think.
“So, you feel up to telling me what's so interesting about the exit? You've been sitting here all morning.” He nods toward the turnstiles.
My whiskers droop, and I sigh. Wracking my brain, I try to put to words a feeling that has followed me my entire life. “Do you ever just feel like… everything will fall apart if you look away from it for too long?”
He frowns, and studies me for a moment, pensive. Finally he takes a breath and says, “Yeah, actually. I think I know exactly what you mean. It's hard, isn't it? Feeling like the world's on your shoulders.”
“You feel like that, too?” I ask, unable to hide the surprise in my voice. He seems like he has it so… together. “But how? How are you not constantly falling apart at the seams?”
He chuckles. “Lots of training. Being leader is no cakewalk, but I've got to hold it together for my brothers’ sake.”
“Leader? Of what?”
He smiles. “Of the team. Raph, Donnie, Mikey, and me, we're a team. We've all got our strengths and weaknesses, and we work together so that we can make the city a better, safer place to be. And as leader, it's my job to give orders to the others–to keep us coordinated–and protect them from harm.”
“That… sounds… incredibly exhausting,” I confess.
He grins. “Sometimes, it is. But it's also really rewarding.”
I ponder on this, then ask, “What do you do when it becomes too much? When you feel like you're going to explode because of the pressure?”
A thoughtful look comes over him. “That is the million dollar question, isn't it? Well, I try to make it feel less heavy.”
“How do you do that?”
“There are things that can help. Meditation is a big one for me–I learned how to do that when I was young, and I honestly think I’d be a wreck without it. It helps me clear my head and stay focused.”
My eyebrow raises, and I’m unable to hide my skepticism. “Meditation? Isn’t that just where you… sit around and do nothing–like I’ve been doing? How does that help?”
He holds up a hand. “I know it sounds weird. And it is–at first. But it’s helped me through some really tough spots. We could try it together, if you’re up for it.” He sounds almost hopeful.
I take a shaky breath, smoothing out the fabric of my shorts and say, “I don’t know… I just get the feeling I’d be bad at it.” After hesitating, I add, “And what if it… doesn’t work?”
Leo smiles, his blue eyes shining. “We won’t know until we try. And if it doesn’t work, we’ll try something else. You don’t need to just keep sitting here by yourself, feeling awful all the time. We can figure this out.”
I feel the butterflies in my stomach, and I have to look away. Why is he being so patient with me? Doesn’t he have better things to do? I’m just going to disappoint him, like I disappoint everyone. But… maybe it wouldn’t hurt to try. Just once.
There’s a long pause. And then, I nod. “Okay. I guess it couldn’t hurt.”
His smile broadens, and I feel my face get warm. “Great. We’ll start small–just a few minutes to see how it feels. No pressure.” Standing up, he offers me a hand. Gingerly, I place my hand in his, and he helps me up. I try not to think about how nice it is to feel the touch of someone who isn’t Mallorie.
“Thanks. You know… for not making this weird.” For being patient. For being… kind.
Leo chuckles softly and winks at me. “Give me time. I’m sure I’ll make it weird eventually.”
A faint smile tugs at my lips, and I follow him into the dojo, walking in step just behind him. Why do they seem to care so much about me? I don’t get it. And what if I mess this up? What if they regret helping me? My chest tightens at the thought.
In the dojo, sunlight streams gently in from the skylight above, light flowing over the massive, ancient tree like an ethereal blanket. I feel an almost holy reverence for it, my heartbeat quickening as I approach it timidly. “What’s on your mind?” Leo asks, snapping me out of my trance.
Scratching one of my ears I reply, “It’s this tree… I never would have guessed something like this was down here. It’s so beautiful.”
Leo smiles, a faint, almost wistful expression crossing his face as he steps closer to the tree. “Yeah. It’s kind of amazing, isn’t it? We’ve always called it the Soul Tree.”
“The Soul Tree?” I echo, my gaze drifting upward to where its broad canopy stretches out beneath the skylight. The sunlight filters through the leaves, casting dappled patterns on the floor. “Why that name?”
“It’s… hard to explain,” Leo says, his voice soft. He rests a hand on the tree’s rough bark, like he’s greeting an old friend. “When we were kids, this tree was the closest thing we had to the outside world. We couldn’t go up to the surface—too dangerous—but this tree, it gave us something real. Something alive. It reminded us there’s a world out there, bigger than the lair, bigger than the city. It felt… grounding. Like it kept us connected to something important.”
I glance at him, surprised by the depth in his tone. “You grew up with it?”
He nods. “Master Splinter said it was already here when he found the lair. He didn’t know how it got here, but he believed it was meant to be. Said it was a sign the lair was a safe place, a good place to raise us.”
I step closer, tentatively brushing my fingers against the bark. It’s rough, solid, reassuring. “It’s incredible. Like… it doesn’t belong here, but it thrives anyway.”
“Exactly,” Leo says, his smile softening. “It’s like that, isn’t it? A little piece of nature, surviving against all odds. I think that’s why it feels so special. No matter what’s going on, this tree just… is. Strong, steady. It’s been through everything with us.”
My chest tightens, something warm and bittersweet spreading through me as I think about what he’s said. About how something so improbable could still be so alive, so steadfast. “It’s kind of comforting, huh?”
“Very,” Leo agrees, his gaze lifting to the branches. “Whenever I feel lost, or overwhelmed, I come here. I sit under it, try to focus on my breathing, and just… let it remind me that I’m not alone. That I’m still part of something bigger.”
I chew on my lip, hesitating. “Do you think it could help me? I mean, meditating, with the tree?”
Leo turns to me, his expression calm but full of quiet determination. “I think it’s worth trying. If it’s helped me, maybe it can help you too. And I’ll be right here to guide you.”
There’s something in his voice—a steady reassurance, and I cling to it. I glance back at the Soul Tree, its roots winding deep into the earth. A part of me wants to believe it might have some kind of magic, some kind of answer. “Okay,” I say finally. “I’m ready.”
With a nod, Leo brings out some cushions from a nearby spot against the wall and places them adjacent to each other in front of the tree. He sits down on one, cross-legged, and gestures for me to do the same. I shake some anxiety out through my hands and flop down clumsily, my posture rigid with tension. “S-so, honestly, I have no idea how to even approach this. I’ve never done anything like this before.”
He waves a dismissive hand. “It’s okay, just get comfortable. You don’t have to sit perfectly, this isn’t some kind of test,” he chuckles. “Sit however you can relax. Meditation is about clearing the mind–of clutter, worries, and mental blockages. It can help a lot when you feel overwhelmed, or confused about something. Just follow my lead, all right?”
I mimic his posture, feeling awkward as my tail twitches restlessly behind me. “O-okay… just, don’t be surprised when I’m awful at this.” And please don’t laugh.
“There’s no way to fail at this. All you have to do is try,” he assures me, his expression soft.
Nodding, I take a deep breath, and try to calm my frazzled nerves; it’s like trying to stay dry in a rainstorm. This is going to be so embarrassing. How can I relax when I’ve been tense my whole life? What if I screw this up, too? What if I let him down?
“Just breathe. Now, close your eyes.” His voice is low, encouraging.”Inhale… exhale. Focus on the rhythm of your breath; let it anchor you. Let everything else fade away–nothing else matters right now.”
A sudden wail from Mikey echoes off the walls, bouncing into the dojo and smacking me up the spine, causing my fur to stand on end. “Dude, no fair! That item’s as OP as heck!”
Donnie’s voice comes back, just as irritable. “Don’t get mad at me because I know how to play the game!”
I steal a glance at Leo. His eyes are pointed towards the source of the noise, and his mouth twitches ever so slightly. “Hang on a sec, Vic,” he says, and quickly gets to his feet. My ear turns toward the common area, straining to hear what’s going on in the other room. I catch snippets of the conversation from my spot on the floor.
“–kind of trying to do something, here,” Leo says, sounding exasperated.
“Huh? Do what?” asks Mikey.
I’m unable to catch the next few muffled words, and shortly after, Leo returns and sits back down with a rough sigh, then gives me a sheepish smile. “There. I don’t know how long it’ll last, but… hopefully that’ll help.”
I feel my body relax a little more almost instantly, and my ears perk up. “Thanks. So, um… what am I supposed to do, again?”
He gestures to his head, and takes a steady breath. “Let your thoughts fall over you like water. Acknowledge them, but don’t fixate on them.”
I suppress a laugh. “Easier said than done.”
“I know. Believe me, I know. But it’s a process, not a race. Any little bit helps.” He closes his eyes and settles in again. “Observe your thoughts as they come, then let them go. Focus on the sensations in your body–the feel of the soft cushion beneath you. The emptiness between the thoughts.”
I open my eyes, giving him a confused look. “Like… my brain?”
He laughs. “No, not the literal space between your thoughts–the mental space. The moments of quiet.”
Taking a breath, I close my eyes again. “That sounds… hard.”
“Sorry,” says Leo, rubbing the back of his head, “maybe I’m not explaining it well enough. It’s one of those things that, the harder you try to do it, the more it gets away from you, you know? You’re not supposed to try super hard.”
My tail slaps the floor again. “That sounds even more complicated. Are you sure I’m cut out for this?”
“Absolutely. Anyone can learn. It just might take some time, that’s all. So, give it a shot, if you still feel up to it.” He smiles, leaning toward me a bit. “You might surprise yourself. And try not to stress about it.”
I bite my lip, nod, and give it another shot. For a moment, I think I’ve got it. My head feels empty, but not in a bad way–in a curious, relaxed kind of way. And then it goes wrong.
My face in the mirror, soaked with blood. The hunger pains scream at me: hunt, bite, kill. You are an animal.
My stomach churns, and my breath quickens. I shake my head, trying to banish the thought, but I hear Mallorie’s voice in my head, as crystal clear as if she was right next to me: “What do you think you’re doing, anyway? If you want to clear your head, just come back to me–you’ll never have to have another thought again.” I swallow, my breath becoming shallow. It’s not real. Just let it go.
Once again I smell the scent of bleach, and I’m back in my cell. Mallorie paces in front of me, an edge in her voice. “I’m getting bored with this little game of yours, Vic. How long are you going to pretend that you have a life without me–that these mutants actually want you around?” I feel the shock collar around my neck. With a sickening charge, my muscles seize and burn. My whole body gripped by fire, I start to sweat.
“Vic?”
I open my eyes. Of course I’m not actually back at Mallorie’s lab–I’m in the dojo with Leonardo, and he’s looking at me with clear concern on his face; I just hope that there’s not regret there, too.
He cautiously places a hand on my shoulder. “Hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to do this right now.” Frowning, he withdraws. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed.”
Trying not to panic, I shake my head. “It’s not your fault. You’re a great teacher. It makes a lot more sense than it did before you started explaining it to me. I just… I’m not very good at–well, anything, really.” With a weak laugh, I continue. “This should be easy. But I… can’t seem to stop my brain from always going to the worst places. It’s like I’m stuck there, with Mal, no matter what I do.” Frustrated, I hug myself, tail curling around me. “It’s not your fault I’m a lost cause.”
Leo is quiet for a moment, then leans forward again. “You’re not a lost cause. Everyone starts from somewhere–it just takes time, that’s all.” He gives me a small smile, and for a moment, everything doesn’t feel quite so heavy. “And I’ll be here to help, whether you want to try again or not.” He’s so nice. He’s not judgmental or pushy at all… I’ve never met anyone like him. I wish I wasn’t so disappointing to be around; I’d like to make him smile more. “Let’s take a break. Is there anything that usually helps you feel better–even just a little?”
I shrug, scratching my nose. “I… don’t know. I’ve never really had ways to deal with this kind of feeling.”
“What about your interests? What kind of stuff are you into?” he asks, and I feel my mind go blank in the worst way.
“I… um… I really don’t know. I like to read,” I stammer, embarrassed. How do you tell someone, ‘Sorry, I’m just not that interesting, and you’re kind of wasting your time with me’?
“I think we might have some books lying around here somewhere. We have quite a few comics, at least. Maybe you’d have fun with those?” He grins, and I tilt my head.
“I’ve never read a comic before.”
His eyes widen, then soften. “Really? They’re pretty cool–halfway between a book and a cartoon.”
“I… didn’t really… do much, before all this. I wasn’t exactly the kind of person people wanted to hang out with,” I admit, thinking back to my years in the foster system.
“That’s okay. There’s still time to figure out what you’re into. We’re pretty good at finding fun things to do around here.” There’s a hint of amusement in his voice as he adds, “I’m sure Mikey already has some ideas for you.”
Mikey’s face pops into my mind, complete with a big goofy grin that makes me feel warm inside. “Yeah. I bet he does.”
Leo gets to his feet, cheering up a bit. “Let’s change it up. Try a few different things, see what helps. Does that sound okay?”
“Sure. Okay.” I nod, but there’s no confidence in it.
He leads me through a few basic stretches. As always, I’m clumsy and self-conscious, my tail flicking about all over the place as I struggle to follow his simple instructions. “Wow, you’re really flexible,” he says, impressed.
I shrug. “Cat stuff. I wasn’t always like this.”
“It’s pretty cool, though. Here, try this.” He shifts his weight to one foot and lifts the other, making a figure four with his feet as he presses his hands together in front of himself.
I try to copy him, and you’d think I’d have good balance (being a cat and all), but the ever-present tension in my body makes it hard to contest with gravity, and I stumble forward, cringing as I prepare to collide with him. His reflexes are perfect, though, and he catches me as I fall against him. For a moment, our bodies touch, and our faces are so close I can feel his breath.
My brain breaks, and I flinch back, tail rigid and puffed out, blushing furiously. “S-sorry!”
A strange little half-smile sits on his face, his cheeks faintly pink. “Um, no need to apologize, it’s–it’s perfectly natural! Uh–I mean–uh, w-where were we?” He lets out a little off-kilter laugh. God, why do I have to make things so awkward? Just bury me now! Unlike me, Leo recovers swiftly, tapping his chin, and frowns as he thinks. “Let’s try… oh. How about a basic defensive stance? I think that might help your balance a little.”
I take a breath, begging my panicking heart to just calm down, already. “Okay. Yeah. That sounds kinda fun.”
“Think of it as… combat level zero. No pressure whatsoever. Give this a try.” He shifts his weight to the center of his body, crouching slightly. “Keep your feet shoulder-width apart, and your knees slightly bent–but not too much. Yeah, like that! You’re getting it.” He grins, and I feel something a little akin to–dare I say it–pride. “Try to keep your muscles a bit tense–not too much, just enough that someone can’t easily knock you off your feet.” My tail swishes left and right. Leo scrutinizes my posture, and makes a few gentle, subtle adjustments. “There. You know, you’ve got great instincts.” Pleased with himself, he puts a hand on his hip. “And that’s level zero. See? Nothing to it. If you’d like, we can build on this sometime.”
I feel a surge of something in my chest–excitement? “Yeah… I’d like that.”
Leo tilts his head, closing his eyes. “Let’s see… what else can we try?”
Standing up straight, I fumble with my hands. “Um, would it be all right if we tried meditation one more time?” With a deep breath, I look up at him, determination in my eyes. “I don’t want to… let her win. By being afraid all the time.”
He studies me for a moment, then smiles. “Yeah, all right. But this time, if it gets rough, just let me know.” He places a firm hand on my arm, just for a moment. “We’ll stop, no questions asked.”
I nod, and we sit back down on the cushions, side by side. I close my eyes, trying to ignore how my hands are shaking. “Start with your breath,” he begins, his voice calm and even; soothing. “Let your body relax. You don’t have to hold on to anything right now. Just let it all go.”
As I mirror him, my breathing is at first uneven and sloppy, but it gradually slows, and synchronizes. The tension in my shoulders eases slightly. But as that happens, my mind begins to wander. Images of the lab permeate into my thoughts. I see the cold, sterile testing chambers, feel the gnashing bite of the shock collar. I hear Mallorie’s voice as she reminds me of my place. “You’re not even human anymore, just a pretty little beast.” My breathing falters, and my hands curl into fists. “And beasts don’t have rights—they have owners.” I begin to feel the panic creep up my spine as nausea bubbles in my stomach.
“Damn it,” I mutter, my claws digging into the soft skin of my hands, “why am I like this?”
Leo’s voice startles me, as if my body forgot he was here. “It’s okay, Vic. Just focus on my voice, okay?” He leans closer, his tone gentle but firm. “You’re not there anymore. You’re here, with me. Whatever’s in your head, it can’t hurt you anymore.” How I wish he was right.
I take a long, trembling breath, and hug myself, hunching over. “She would tell me…” It’s hard to get the words out, but for some reason, I find myself wanting to. “...She told me I wasn’t a person anymore. I’ve… I told Mikey a little about it, already. She–” The tears sting my eyes, but I push through it anyway. “She told me I was… trash that nobody wanted. Her,” I choke on the word, “pet.”
Leo’s jaw tightens, but his voice is calm. “She was wrong. She was trying to break you because you’re strong. And you already proved her wrong by getting out. You’re here, now, Vic–and nobody’s ever going to own you again.”
The tears pour out, and I’m too weak to stop it from happening. “But… but what if she’s right? What if I’m just broken? I… don’t even know how to be around people. Around you guys. I keep messing everything up.”
Leo moves closer, placing his hand on mine. His touch is warm and comforting. “You’re not broken. You’ve just been through a lot, and you’re processing it–and that takes time.” He looks me in the eyes, his tone unwavering but soft. “But you’re not doing it alone. You have us now.” He offers me a careful smile, and my breath catches as I find myself caught in his eyes. We stare at each other for a moment, without saying a word. Then his hand grips mine a little tighter and he says, his voice barely audible, “I won’t let anything happen to you. I promise.”
My cheeks flush and my heart begins to race. I look away, the butterflies in my stomach almost too much to bear. Leo withdraws his hand slowly, as if afraid to startle me. “Th-thank you,” I manage, my voice cracking as I wipe my eyes. “I… don’t know what to say. That… that means a lot.”
He leans back, clearing his throat, and looking a little flushed himself. “It’s all right. You don’t have to say anything. But,” his tone lightens and he smiles, “I think you’re actually better at this meditation thing than you give yourself credit for.”
I chuckle weakly, smoothing out the fur on my arms. “I guess I didn’t totally fail, this time.” And then an idea crosses my mind, one that I can’t shake. “Do you… do you think maybe you could help me with something else sometime?” My ears perk up. “Like… learning how to fight? I don’t want to feel afraid all the time. A-and… maybe we could meditate together again, too. I-if you wanted to.”
Leo smiles warmly, and my heart skips a beat. “I’d be honored. We’ll take it one step at a time–whatever you’re ready for.”
For the first time in forever, everything doesn't feel quite so hopeless. Leo helps me up, and his hand lingers for just a moment before he takes it back. “Just remember, you’ve got people who care about you, here. You’re not alone anymore.”
My heart begins to ache, but in a way that feels strangely good. It’s a feeling I’m not familiar with, and I don’t know its name, but… I think I could get used to it.