Chapter Text
June 15
Puerto Escondido, Oaxaca, Mexico
Steve is dreaming. He's got to be, unless he fell asleep in a different room than the suite on the ship. The room is small, cozy, the walls painted yellow and dappled with sunlight coming from the gap in the fluttering curtains. From where he's standing in the doorway, Steve can see someone asleep in the floral sheets.
He feels like he's intruding on someone else's life. This isn't his bedroom. He doesn't know this house. He isn't sure who's asleep in that bed or who he's walking toward. Steve feels like a voyeur.
It's Billy, he realizes once his feet have carried him closely enough. He's lying on his back, curls splayed out across the pillow, one hand gripping the duvet to keep it pulled up. He looks so peaceful with his eyes closed and his lips parted in soft breath. Steve notices the wedding ring on his left hand, and notices that it's not the same one he bought for their trip.
“Baby,” he murmurs, reaching out to touch his face, “it's eight o'clock.”
Billy stirs with a soft sigh, sleepy eyes blinking open. He smiles up at Steve, takes his hand.
“Morning,” Steve says gently. “How'd you sleep?”
“Good.” Billy closes his fingers around Steve's ring, twisting it back and forth. “Thanks for letting me sleep in.”
“Yeah.” Steve pats his cheek. “You gotta get up, though. I've got to get to work.”
“Okay. Bye-bye, love.” Billy pushes himself up and Steve kisses him, lingering a long moment as he sighs happily. “Have a good day.”
Steve opens his mouth to return the sentiment, but all of a sudden, he’s standing back in his apartment, leaning forward onto the kitchen counter. He feels like he can’t stand up without bracing himself, like he’s just going to fall apart like a Jenga tower at the slightest touch. Looking up, he sees Nancy, standing in the kitchen doorway. When he looks at her, all he can see are her big, sad eyes and the way her engagement ring glitters in the dim light.
He remembers this. This actually happened.
“So what, then?” he asks. His mouth is dry and the words barely make it out. They don’t even really sound like words, just flat, monotone sounds he doesn’t consciously let slip. “You’re just leaving?”
“I don’t know what else to do.” Nancy’s voice is quiet, shaky like she’s trying to keep it even. She won’t cry. Steve has never seen her cry. Why would now be an exception? “I can’t… I can’t go through with this. It’s not fair.”
“To who? Me or you?”
“Both of us. It’s not fair on both of us,” she says imploringly. She wants him to see what she’s seeing, feel how she feels, but Steve just feels so sick in his stomach, so betrayed in his heart, that he can’t even try to look at it the same. “You know that you’d be miserable if I stayed.”
“At least we’d be fucking miserable together, ” he spits, shoving himself up from the counter. God, he just wants to knock everything over, throw the pots and pans and wine glasses to the floor, watch it all shatter like his world did just a minute ago when she’d told him they needed to talk. “You know what’s not fair? This, Nance. This isn't fucking fair. You couldn't have done this ten years ago?”
“It's complicated.”
“No, it's not! You've been miserable for ten years because you were too afraid of breaking up with me to do anything, and now you're leaving me two months before our wedding? You said yes when I asked you to marry me, Nance! We planned a life together! It's fucking ridiculous!”
Nancy is quiet as Steve turns away from her. His heart is racing with anger, with sadness, with fear, because now he's alone, on the verge of thirty and so many miles away from where he was about to be.
“You're right.”
“You wasted ten years of my life.”
“You're right.”
“It's not fair.”
“It's not,” Nancy agrees. Steve can't tell if she really thinks that or if she's just trying to console him however she can right now. “I'm sorry.”
“Because sorry does so much for me right now."
“I know it doesn't. But I'm still sorry.”
Steve turns around to face her, but he's not in the apartment anymore; he's in a church of some kind, sitting in the front row of pews. There's a whole congregation of people looking at Nancy and Jonathan up at the altar. Nancy is wearing the dress she was going to wear when she still had plans to marry Steve, and she's wearing the ring Steve gave her the night he proposed. Jonathan is wearing Steve's suit. The church is set up just how Steve planned it. It's his wedding, he realizes. The only difference is that Jonathan is in his place, and Nancy is happy.
~
Steve doesn't end up sleeping very well at all. He tosses and turns for a while, tries counting sheep, deep breathing, relaxing his muscles, counting to a thousand, but nothing helps. He wakes up when the sun is just peeking over the horizon and Billy is still asleep, leaving Steve alone with the scattered pieces of his dream.
The Billy part was weird and he doesn't really remember the wedding part very much, but he remembers their breakup all too well. That was just how it happened, there in their home after a date night out with Steve's parents, a whole night of talking about the wedding and how excited everyone was. Maybe Nancy just couldn't take it anymore, but that night, Steve went to sleep alone for the first time in ten years.
They'd talked about it extensively. Nancy didn't want there to be any bad blood, so they had rehashed it time and time again, talking it over until Steve considered leaving the country just to make it all stop. It's not like it helped. All it did was pierce holes into his heart all over again. There may be no bad blood, but there's bitter blood. He's angry that he's alone.
He's not alone right now, though. Billy is snuggled up in the sheets, one of his feet tucked between Steve's ankles, his fingers twisted in the fabric of Steve's shirt, and Steve is jarred out of his thoughts when he shifts, tugging slightly at his neckline as he readjusts his position. It's still dark, but the rising sun provides enough light through the curtains that Steve can admire his sleeping face.
He looks so peaceful, like he's far away and dreaming of nice things. His lips are parted as he breathes, his chest rising and falling in a gentle rhythm. Steve tries syncing his breathing with Billy's. It feels calming to lie there beside him, enjoying the warmth of his body and how close he is, like he just can't stand to be too far away from Steve even in sleep.
It's unconscious, Steve reminds himself. Billy's just a natural cuddler. He'd cuddle with anybody who offered, not just Steve. It's just because they're in the same bed. If Billy were awake, he wouldn't be doing this.
That doesn't mean Steve can't wish that he would.
~
“I love Mexico,” Billy announces through a mouthful of food. They'd docked in Puerto Escondido around one o'clock and both Steve and Billy had been eager to get off the ship and explore for a while. They'd stopped for some food on their way through town and it's honestly some of the best food Steve has ever had.
“I never wanna stop eating.”
“Me neither. Let's just be the size of houses together,” Billy says as he takes another bite. “Oh my God, that's better than sex. Try the corn, babe.”
Steve sticks his fork into the pile of corn before he gives up and scoops it. Billy's right; that one bite is better than any sex Steve has ever had. He goes in for another bite, ignoring Billy's grunt to get his own.
“What do you want to do?”
“Eat.”
“Other than that.”
Billy considers it. “I wanna go to the beach. I know we've been surrounded by water for days, but-”
“Let's go, then,” Steve says. “You don't need a reason. The beach is awesome.”
“I love the beach,” Billy says. “My mom used to take me all the time when we lived in California. I would go surfing with my little board, way out where the waves got big, and she'd watch and cheer for me.”
“Awww.”
“She took me to the beach the day she left. We built a sandcastle and she bought me an ice cream.” Billy kicks at a stone on the path in front of them. “I haven't seen her since.”
Steve swallows. What does he say to that?
“I'm so sorry.”
“It's okay. I get the feeling I wasn't missing much. Just a whole lotta pills.” Billy takes another bite of his corn. “Mmm! Look!”
“Where? At what?”
“Playa Nudista. It's a nude beach!”
“Oh my God.”
“I wanna go,” Billy begs. “We don't have to get naked.”
Steve isn't necessarily opposed to Billy getting naked, but he isn't a fan of taking his own clothes off for the world to see. “Fine. As long as I can leave all my clothes on.”
“I haven't seen a stranger’s dick in months,” Billy says with a sigh. “I need to get laid when we get back.”
“Me too. It's been a while.”
“Yeah.”
“I take it you're single, then?” Steve isn't sure why he asks – it's kind of obvious he's single. Who would let their partner go on a honeymoon cruise with someone else?
Billy doesn't make him feel stupid about it, though. “Yeah. It's been a really long time since I've dated anyone. I just can't seem to find my person, you know?”
“I get that feeling,” Steve mumbles.
“I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by it.”
“I know you didn't.” Steve heaves a sigh and reaches for another forkful of corn. “I just really thought she was the one, you know? And we were so close. And then to just have that taken away… all those years wasted…”
He cuts himself off before he starts crying in the middle of the street. Steve hasn't said a word to anyone about how sad he is, not even Robin. It's hard not to let a few tears fall.
Billy bites his lip and drapes a sympathetic arm around his shoulder. “You've probably heard this from a million people,” he says, “but you're gonna find the right person. You're such a great guy, Steve. Genuinely. It's been like, three days and I feel like I've known you for years. You're gonna be okay.”
Steve sniffles. “Thanks,” he says with a watery sigh. “I’ve just always wanted to be married. And I was so close. I know I wasn't going to be happy with her, but I almost wish that we'd just done it so I could pretend.”
“You deserve real happiness,” Billy murmurs. “Someone will give that to you. I know it.”
Steve wishes it was closer than someday. He misses being in love. All this pretending has reminded him of the time that Nancy really did love him, and he misses that honeymoon stage where they were all over each other all the time.
“You do too,” he says since he can't think of anything else to say. Billy shrugs, a little blush rising in his cheeks.
“I don’t know.”
“Oh, come on. Don’t act like you’re unlovable.”
“I’m just hopeless,” Billy says. “I’ve had this awful, hopeless crush on this guy I barely know. Since high school. And I’ve still got it, even now.”
“I’m sure you have a chance.”
“He’s straight.” Billy purses his lips, frowning down into his food. “I know I’m a catch. I just need to get over this guy before I can fall in love and all that.”
“Well, that guy is an idiot,” Steve says. The path beneath their feet is crumbling from concrete into sand the closer they get to the beach, and the warm sand slips over his feet and warms his skin. Billy snorts.
“He is not. He’s just… he’s kind of oblivious. Well, not really. It’s not like I’ve ever told him I like him.”
Steve trips a little bit over the sand. “What do you look for in a man?”
“Nice,” Billy says. “And funny. He’s got to be funny. I can’t stand people who think they’re too good for a little humor. And he’s got to be… it would be nice if he’s pretty, but that’s not a deal-breaker. I really just want him to like me as much as I like him. To care about me, be nice to me. All that jazz.”
“What about sex?” Steve asks. “Wouldn’t you prefer a guy who’s packing?”
“Well, yes,” Billy fumbles. “Packing is nice. But it’s, uh, not super important. There are more important things.”
“What, like being nice?” Steve rolls his eyes at Billy’s blush. It’s fun to tease him a little; the rosy pink of his embarrassed cheeks is so pretty. If they were together, Steve thinks, he’d try to make him blush every day. “Mm, take a look. What about him?”
Billy turns around to follow his gaze. They’re fully on the beach now and not everyone there is nude, but the guy Steve is referring to is. He’s not a bad-looking guy, but he’s not good-looking either. And he’s certainly not packing.
Billy gasps and whirls back around, cheeks flaming. “Oh my God, he’s naked.”
“We’re on a nude beach, hon. I thought that was the whole point.”
“I didn’t think people would be naked naked.” Billy giggles uncomfortably. “That’s so awkward.”
Steve laughs. “What other kind of naked would they be?”
“I don’t know. She’s not naked,” Billy says, pointing out a girl across the beach.
“You need glasses,” Steve says, “because she’s got her top off.”
“She’s got bottoms on,” Billy says defensively, “so she’s not naked.”
Steve rolls his eyes. It feels good to banter back and forth like this, especially since he doesn’t feel like he’s going to hurt Billy’s feelings. Billy just laughs at the look on Steve’s face and spoons another forkful of corn into his mouth.
Steve likes him. Steve really, really likes him. And it’s confusing because he’s had male friends before, but he’s never had a relationship like the one he’s developing with Billy, not even with Robin. It doesn’t feel like they were made to be best friends, but he doesn’t know what else they would be to each other. If Billy were a girl, Steve is sure he’d have a crush on him by now. But he’s not gay – he doesn’t think so. And he’s still heartbroken, he reminds himself, even though it isn’t really hurting at all right now. It’s not exactly the best time to have a sexuality crisis over a boy who’s in love with someone else.
He can enjoy Billy, though. And he does. They race each other down the beach, collapsing into the surf with raucous laughter when Billy pounces on top of Steve in an attempt to win. He’s so pretty with water-darkened curls and eyes as blue as the sea, crinkled at the corners, smiling like the sunrise. They build a sandcastle, a lumpy little thing with a moat dug around it, until Billy gets bored and starts burying Steve in the sand. They take a little walk, walking and splashing through the water as it hisses and cools around their feet. It’s so beautiful there with the crystal-clear water and the colorful sky, a little bit of breeze in his hair and a spring in his step.
Steve is happy.
He’s strolling along with the tide, shoes hanging from his free hand, fingers laced with Billy’s while he chatters about how awful his old boss was. Steve likes collecting these little pieces of information about him, like the story he’d told about running over Max’s foot in high school or the time he’d taken Will to prom so he didn’t have to spend the night alone. Steve remembers that, actually; Mike was being an airhead and couldn’t seem to comprehend that Will wanted to go to prom with him, so Billy had offered to go with him. He’d ended up making Mike so jealous that Mike had asked Will to dance almost right away.
He’s so thoughtful.
Steve is about to laugh at one of Billy’s jokes when a sharp, stinging pain runs through his foot and up his leg. He yelps and springs back in surprise, dropping his shoes.
“Ow!”
“Are you okay?” Billy flips into panic mode immediately. “What happened?”
“I don’t know. I think I stepped on something. It feels sharp.”
“There’s that,” Billy says, pointing at a pile of clearish goo that looks more like Steve’s hair gel than anything else. “What is that?”
“It looks like a jellyfish,” Steve says. “Maybe it stung me.” He lifts up his foot to take a look at the bottom of it, but it doesn’t look like much, just flushed red with irritation. It hurts, though, stinging and throbbing through his foot and up to his ankle. “I think it did.”
“Oh my God.” Billy claps his hands over his mouth, his own shoes tumbling to join Steve’s in the wet sand. “Oh my God.”
“Hey, it’s okay.”
“Jellyfish are poisonous,” Billy yells.
“Billy.”
“Pee on it,” Billy shrieks.
“Excuse me?”
“They say that’s what you’re supposed to do. Pee on it. That stops the poison or mitigates the pain or something . Come on!”
“I’m not peeing on it,” Steve says, “and neither are you, so don’t even ask. I’m fine, okay? It just hurts a little.”
“Of course it hurts. You just got stung by a poisonous animal.” Billy is definitely panicking a little bit, hyperventilating under his breath as he tears up. “Oh my God. We have to get help.”
“Hey, hey.” Steve grabs his arm, wincing a little bit as he puts his weight back on his foot. It really does hurt, but that’s not his priority right now. “Calm down, babe. I’m okay.”
“You’re injured,” Billy sniffles, leaning in for a hug. “How much does it hurt?”
“Not that much,” Steve lies. “Look, we can go back to the ship and see the medic, okay? And I’ll be just fine. So just breathe, yeah?”
Billy takes a shaky, tearful breath. “I’m sorry. You’re injured. It’s stupid to cry.”
“No, it’s okay.”
“I’m sorry. I’m not good at this.” Billy lets out a little sob. “I don’t like it when other people are in pain.”
“Of course not, love. It’s okay.” Steve squeezes his hand. “You don’t have to apologize. I think it’s sweet.”
Billy sniffles. “I wanna take you back.”
“Yeah, okay. Get your shoes,” Steve says, “and we can go.”
Billy grabs both pairs of their shoes as Steve starts walking back from where they came, but a sharp, shooting pain runs up into his calf and he groans, leaning back onto his other foot.
“Fuck. Sorry. It hurts.”
“Let me help.” Billy grabs his arm and slings it around his shoulders. “Only step on your toes. It’s okay, we can go slow.”
Steve flinches. “It’s really far away.”
“You can do it,” Billy says with a tearful sigh. “I’ve got you.”
It takes an astoundingly long time to make it to the end of the beach and by the time they get there, Steve’s entire foot has swollen slightly. Billy is crying, but he’s got himself under enough control to help carry him up onto the main road. Steve grips his arm to make him pause and brushes his tears aside with his thumbs.
“Hey.”
“I know,” Billy mumbles. “I’m sorry.”
“No sorry.” Steve strokes his cheek. “Thank you. You were so brave. I never would’ve been able to get back here without you.”
“You’re the brave one,” Billy murmurs. “I’m not even hurt.”
“Don’t belittle yourself,” Steve tells him. “We’re both doing a good job. I’m proud of you.”
Billy lets out a watery giggle. “Thanks.”
“Let’s get back, shall we?” Steve drapes his arm back around his shoulders as Billy grips his waist. “Whoo, careful. Can we go slower?”
“Yeah, sorry.” Billy winces as Steve flinches against the hot concrete. “Do you want your shoes?”
“I don’t know if they’ll fit, to be honest. Maybe on my good foot?”
Billy tosses his left flip-flop down and helps hold his weight as he slips it on. “Go slow, babe. It’s okay.”
Steve groans. It hurts really badly, enough to make his eyes prickle with tears he’s trying to keep at bay. He doesn’t have anything against crying, but he doesn’t want to cause a panic in Billy any more than he already has. Maybe once they’re safely back on the ship and he’s treated by the medic, he can cry a little bit.
It takes them nearly fifteen minutes to walk down the hill to the dock even though it’s just down the street. Going up the gangway hurts like hell and Steve has to pause halfway up to keep himself from breaking down crying. Billy is clearly having trouble keeping it together, but he’s doing his best, which Steve really appreciates. They make it up to the top and Billy helps him sit down on one of the benches by the entrance.
“You sit,” he says, wiping his nose with the back of his hand, “and I’ll go get help.”
“Okay.” Steve is so glad to be sitting down with the weight off his foot. His foot is swollen and the bottom is marked with these raised red bumps, almost like the pattern of a jellyfish’s tentacle. It hurts like a motherfucker; it burns and it’s throbbing all the way up his ankle into his calf. It doesn’t beat his appendix bursting, but it’s close.
Billy comes back a few minutes later, eyes red from crying but mostly pulled together, with a medic in tow. She’s a thin blonde woman dragging a first-aid kit along with her.
“Hi,” she says with a sympathetic smile as she sets the kit down next to Steve. “Steve, right?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m Julia. I’m just gonna take a look and we’ll determine whether we can keep you on the ship or if we have to get you to the hospital.”
“Okay,” Steve says nervously. He really doesn’t want to go to the hospital. Billy sits down beside him and takes his hand, squeezing it gently as Julia bends down to take a look at his foot.
“Oh, yeah. That’s a jellyfish sting, alright. How much does it hurt, scale of one to ten?”
“Um… maybe a seven?”
“Okay. Any nausea or vomiting?”
“No.”
“Trouble breathing?”
“No.”
“Okay. I don’t see any hives or rash, so it doesn’t seem like you’re having an allergic reaction. That’s good. Um… let’s get you to the sick bay so we can clean up and get you fixed up.”
Billy helps Steve back to his feet and wraps his arms around his waist and shoulders to keep his weight off his foot. Steve groans in pain.
“Ow, ow, baby, hang on.” Billy helps him lean against the hallway wall and he groans again, sighing in frustration. “I’m sorry. I’m taking forever.”
“Don’t worry,” Billy murmurs. “Take your time.”
“How are you feeling?” Steve asks. Billy smiles.
“I’m fine.”
“I mean, I know you’re stressed. I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault,” Billy sniffles. “This always happens. I’m terrible in an emergency.”
“I’ll keep that in mind when one of our kids gets hurt,” Steve jokes. He definitely doesn’t stop to think about what kind of father Billy would be. He would be gentle and sweet and doting, hardly ever firm, and spoil his babies like nobody’s business. He’s the kind of guy who would never refuse his children anything that he could reasonably give them.
“Oh, don’t even joke about that,” Billy says. “I’ll be an absolute mess.”
“I’ll be there for you.” Steve motions him closer and stands back up again. “Ah. Ow.”
“You’ve got this.”
Billy is incredibly patient, helping Steve stop to rest twice more before they actually make it into the sick bay, where Julia is waiting for them with a tub of hot water. It hurts so badly to dunk his foot in that Steve starts crying a little bit, but Billy squeezes his hand gently and coos comforting words into his ear.
“It’s okay, baby. You’re so brave. You’re doing so good.”
“It hurts,” Steve whimpers. Billy is crying too, but he’s trying his best to stay grounded enough to comfort him, and just the thought of that is comforting in and of itself. “Oh, ouch!”
“I know.” Billy rests his cheek on Steve’s shoulder. “It’s okay, babe. It’ll all be okay, yeah? We’ll go back to our room and cuddle?”
“Yes – please.”
“Okay,” Julia murmurs, “let’s pull you out and dry you off. That’s the hard part over.”
Steve could cry in relief. He really just wants to flop into their cool sheets and curl up in Billy’s lap.
Julia puts some kind of cream on his foot and bandages it loosely, and then Steve is sent on his way with the cream, a pair of crutches, and instructions on how to take care of it. It seems easy enough – he’s got to stay off of it for a few days, keep it clean, and not bandage too tightly, and it’s already hurting less now that the venom is washed out and the cool cream is mitigating the burning sensation.
It takes him a moment to figure out how to use the crutches, but Billy is patient with him and Steve eventually makes it back to their room. It’s nice and cold in there since the air conditioning has been running and it feels divine to flop onto his side of the bed and bury his face into his pillow.
Billy comes out of the ensuite with a glass of water. “I brought you some painkillers,” he says, sitting down at the edge of the bed. Steve smiles. He’s so thoughtful.
“Thanks, honey.”
“Do you want to take a nap?” Billy asks worriedly. “I can leave you alone for a little bit if you like.”
“No, no. I want you to stay. Let’s watch something.” Steve pats the bed next to him as he rolls over. “Thank you so much, Billy. Seriously. You did so much for me today.”
Billy gives him a teary smile. “I’m happy to do it.”
“You’re the best husband a guy could ask for.”
“Aww.”
Steve reaches up to brush one of his tears aside. “Let me take those painkillers, okay? And we can order room service and have a cuddle.” He strokes Billy’s face as he lets another tear fall. “I’m okay, baby. Really.”
“I know. I’m just glad.” Billy leans his forehead against Steve's, pausing to take a shaky breath before he murmurs, “I like you.”
“I like you too,” Steve says. “I'm glad we're friends.”
Billy gives him a teary smile. “Yeah. Me too.”